for critique

[cimeara]

I don't know.  I think it's too disjoint.  Is there anything worth saving?  Some of the references seem obscure to me, I want to explain them further, but then I've been told I shouldn't spell things out in detail because that talks down to the reader, it's dull and boring.   A few perfect words should be enough, of course, but I know I'm not

Comments

[prettynovocaine]

i really like this...
but this part..
'When I fall now, you cut me,
And if I fell too far I think
I’d end in pieces and I’d need
To stick them together with
Brass fasteners,'

it just feels a bit...forced? kinda like you're explaining it too much, giving away too much..if that makes sense...

[cimeara]

Makes very much sense, yes. I thought of that part as coming out in colloquial speech, as if she were talking out loud while trying to understand what had happened between them. But I can see it sounding forced when stuffed into a stanza. Thank you!

[mike_cupcake]

tis no bad, I think SPFs and monofilament are forced wordings though..

[cimeara]

Hey, those were meant to sound casually cool and trendy. :) But "sunblock" doesn't work with the "flipped off", it seems too pedestrian? I'll think about it. Thanks!

[buckminster]

the hammock metaphor turns too literal. And needs a different title. imagery is worth keeping.

[cimeara]

Moving from hammock to razorwire to spiderweb wasn't enough? or do you mean in the first stanza by itself? Thank you for the compliment on general imagery.

For title, "On the Disintegration of Relationships" seemed a bit wordy and didactic. Maybe "Letting Go"? Unfortunate but relevant resonance with "if you love something..." :-P

[buckminster]

I mean the transmogrifying hammock thing has become too central- it steals the show from the human character, who i think was meant to be the main subject.

Rather than treating the hammock as a thing that literally transforms over time, you might write it as a series of three disjointed vignettes. Use repetition to show that you're talking about the same thing from a different time or perspective.

As per title, i'm not opposed to wordy. But you can bet there have been many poems titled "emptiness", and most were bad.

[cimeara]

Okay, gotcha. Thank you for the clarifcation! But I'm not sure how to manage it. To a certain extent, it -is- the hammock, the relationship, that's the point. That sometimes it changes without apparent deliberation and without the characters themselves changing, just a change to how they perceive each other. I'll work on it, though.

Also, your point about the title is dead on and something I just didn't consider :-(

[cuponoodlepower]

I understand different voices use different words. however you use a lot of and's in this and it throws off the images, because all I see is the ands. I still see a lot of telling and not showing. You can get even more specific these images. Sit down and just pull out the images here, and see what is left. You don't have to leave it that way, but I think it will better show you what the reader should see. Also the wording is a bit vague. somethings come off as blatant cliches

[cimeara]

Thank you! Yes, tightening is a problem for me, but I'm working on it. :-)

One thing that I care about is the rhythm of words, so I do often intend rises and falls within a single line as well as of over a whole stanze. Too much iambic pentameter in playacting, which, thank you, I now see is making me reluctant to start with a stressed syllable, leading to too many initial And's and But's and So's in my poetry. Feh. :-P

[cuponoodlepower]

I totally understand. I took classical acting, and the stress unstress business really gets stuck in your head. Person poetry is so tricky in that you really have to pull out all the details you can to draw the reader into the voice your creating. I think you have a really good start here though. :)

2¢

[touchagrae]

Your first stanza is worth saving (with a little work), as should be apparent. Also, despite it's run-on nature, I like the ending couplet. Partially because the poem begins with his command and ends with hers. I'm not sure you need to keep the spiderweb image to justify the couplet, though. I think it can stand as an ending on its own. 'Course you have to find a new way to get us there...

Re: 2¢

[cimeara]

'Course you have to find a new way to get us there...

Erggh. Because the spiderweb is the whole justification for the couplet? "Stick in a straw and suck me dry" because that's how spiders feed (and trying to echo back to the margaritas, of course). He calls her a spider, and she thinks she's the fly. But setting up a similar command could work.

It alsmost wasn't a run on. The alternate was:

"Stick in a straw and suck me dry.
The husk will blow away."

Re: 2¢

[touchagrae]

The spiderweb is how you found the image, yes. But

Stick in a straw and suck me dry;
The husk can blow away

is the most compelling image in the last strophe. More interesting and more concrete than the actual spiderweb. And the echo of the margaritas is part of what strengthens it. And I did get all of the spider imagery. I was just saying that the couplet (even without the overt spiderwebbery) maintains its power as a singular phrase.

/babble