(no subject)
i sat there silently, only putting half my attention into the ending of a movie i had on, staring at the long whispy eyelashes flowing away from my daughters face as she slept. i tried not to tug at the blanket under her cheek as i adjusted myself to get closer to her. no matter how shallow my breath, the pushing air would still shudder her petite golden curls. her tiny sighs filled me with content as i wondered how it was that i came to create such a beautiful little creature. she is mine, & yet, part of me, both at the same time. the music playing, as the credits started rolling up the wall, was serene & quiet. i turned the volume down a few notches, to 22, so as not to wake her once the credits ended.
i walked down the hallway & into a room engulfed in darkness. i subconsciously hit the switch next to the door, as i have so many times before, & waited for the lights to flicker on. i turned the handle in the tub & started to warm the water in the shower as i undressed. i always put my right foot in first to feel the temperature before i get in. its so invigorating to feel the heat sneak up my leg. i slowly stepped inside, closing my eyes to focus on the hot water wrapping around me. i suddenly felt a rush of creativity, of words, of realizations, all seeping out of me, almost like the heat had opened up my pores, and every letter of every word was running out through them to meet with the hydrogen & oxygen particles passing over me on their way down to the drain. i hoped to god that i wouldnt lose them all with the water. well, maybe not to god, per say, but i mean that i was holding an immense amount of hope.
its not that i dont believe in god, or maybe it is, or maybe its just that i dont believe in god in the way that the majority of religious people would portray him. maybe there is a higher power, something that put us here on this earth & watches over us. maybe i pray sometimes. maybe i hope that the higher power is looking out for me & the people i care about. maybe i believe that the way my life has shaped me is not because of coincidence, but because of a set plan.
actually, that is one thing i am sure that i believe in. i believe that everything happens for a reason. i believe that, in being put on this earth, in being born, in the mere fact that i exist, i have some kind of responsibility to own up to something.
i dont think that one should live their life devoted to worshipping, caring about or loving only one other person or thing. if people are looked down upon for praising an idol, other than the predetermined "god," then why is it okay to praise him? why is it so "good" for people to put god before everyone else in their lives, including themselves? why not put yourself first? not in the sense that you are being selfish, but in the sense that you could better yourself; better yourself to succeed & be secure & help other people do the same for themselves.
that is how i live my life. i strive to be secure. i strive to succeed in everything in which i have the capacity to do so. what i mean by that is, with every talent i have, however major or minor, & with all the learning capabilities i am equipped with, i want to master everything. anything & everything that i enjoy, i want to understand & be able to exercise to the fullest extent.
now there is something else about me; i know myself, very well, but i do not always understand myself. i think that is the meaning of life; to come to the complete understanding of oneself. that is the zenith, or highest peak, of life. im sure not many people in the world ever even get the chance to achieve that. im hoping that i will.
another thing that i hope, on a daily basis, is that, in my life, i will become recognised. there are so many things that i want to become recognised for, but i dont want to be praised. that corresponds with praising god & false idols. i want to be recognised, i want to be loved, purely, but i dont want to be put on a pedestal. i dont want to be an idol.