[18] no one told me I was going to find you, qmi, pg
title: no one told me I was going to find you
fandom: Super Junior M
pairing: Zhou Mi/Kyuhyun
rating: PG
summary: The most interesting part of a story is how everything started. This is the story of Zhou Mi and Kyuhyun, the beginning.
The story of Zhou Mi and Kyuhyun is not, admittedly, very long.
But the story hasn't ended yet, so who knows how long it will get? Kyuhyun's not so much interested in the epilogue as he is in the next chapter. Sometimes, while he's waiting, he thinks about how it started.
It started with, as most stories do, a "hello".
(There was a prologue, too, the days of rumors of the China subgroup, the talk of that new Chinese trainee recruited straight from China. Kyuhyun's memory is hazy on those days, though. Who reads prologues anyway? The real story is when things get interesting.)
"Hello," said Zhou Mi, awkward and formal but smiling so widely Kyuhyun's own face twinged in sympathy.
"Hello," said Kyuhyun dutifully, prepared to be unimpressed.
Not prepared for Zhou Mi to get under his defenses, under his skin, the way he did.
But the most interesting stories are the ones that surprise you.
---
part i
There are indicators, of course. A good story has foreshadowing that you only recognize in hindsight. Kyuhyun thinks the first one is probably Seasoning. Heechul instigates changes simply through who he is; his words and his actions are catalysts by nature. Joomyuk doesn't stay, and it's Zhou Mi to everyone who can manage an approximation, with Hankyung's exasperated corrections and Zhou Mi's good-natured acceptance. Jomi, declares Heechul, because he's taken an instantaneous liking to him.
Heechul's that incredibly interesting side character that leaves the reader idly thinking they wouldn't mind reading a story with him as protagonist.
Heechul's interest makes Kyuhyun think, huh. Maybe there's something more.
Curiosity killed the cat, they say. More accurately, in this case, the cat is the one who piqued that initial curiosity.
---
Kyuhyun knows it's not going to go as expected the first time he hears Zhou Mi sing. Of course Zhou Mi is a good singer; SM wouldn't have selected him otherwise. That's not what surprises Kyuhyun.
No, it's the way Zhou Mi's easy-going, bright-eyed, and sunny personality vanishes in an instant, and suddenly it's serious. Suddenly it's deep-running passion and a river of emotions that have been banked until now. Suddenly it's a flood, and it's real, fire-shadows turned concrete and tangible. Kyuhyun has always been a good singer. He's never had to try.
---
"Shut up," Henry shouts, in English. "Shut up, you have no idea--" He switches to Mandarin, stuttering between words. "You don't know. Everyone loves you. Everyone has always loved you."
Kyuhyun only gets the broadest gist of what he's saying, but it's not hard to guess. He's shouting at Hankyung, after all. In China, no one's as beloved as Hankyung. Henry's red-faced, eyes bright. They got three hours of sleep last night, four the night before. They're running thin on a tight schedule, and Kyuhyun's not the only one edge. He's not sure he expected Henry to snap first.
But the screams. The screams are double-edged.
Henry shouts at Hankyung and Hankyung looks strained, like he doesn't know what the right words are. Kyuhyun wonders if this is what it's like to be a parent: you feel as though you should know the answers, but in reality you are floundering along with the rest of the world. There's no instruction manual.
"Henry," Hankyung says, and then he says more, quiet, rapid, attempting to soothe. Kyuhyun looks away from the hitch of Henry's chest and the white knuckles of his fist.
Across the room Zhou Mi is staring at them, like he has a million things to say that he's swallowed.
Super Junior is like a family, in the most literal of senses. You don't always like each other, you don't always see each other, but you are forced to live together. Sometimes you're annoyed, sometimes you just want to avoid everyone, and sometimes you're angry. In the end, though, you love each other and support each other, like family. You may find them exasperating, frustrating, but they're yours.
SJM is too new to be family. SJM is walking a careful balance as a new venture, with unknown variables.
It's unstable. Volatile. And Henry's just upset the equilibrium, which means, as far as Kyuhyun is concerned, that there is passion. You don't shout and cry over things that don't matter. You don't get upset about things you don't care about.
They all care so much.
"He'll find a way," Siwon murmurs beside him. Kyuhyun glances over and sees the solemn expression on Siwon's face.
He knows Siwon is talking about God, unwavering in his faith that things will work out. Kyuhyun-- Well, Kyuhyun thinks if God is working, He is working through them. Ryeowook is a calm, sympathetic presence at Henry's side, guiding him to a chair and fetching him tea. Hankyung is talking and talking and talking, as if he believes he'll hit upon the right words eventually.
Zhou Mi twists his hands, eyes shadowed, and joins them at the table. He doesn't say anything but Kyuhyun suspects his presence is enough. Out of all of them, Zhou Mi would know best how Henry feels.
This little non-family with its language barriers, fighting to maintain a semblance of stability, makes do with nonverbal gestures. Because they care. We care, Kyuhyun realizes. There's a fierce feeling inside his chest, clutching at his heart with pointy sharp fingers. It's the first time he's wanted, whole-heartedly, for them to succeed. Not for the company, not for the name of Super Junior-- For them, the seven of them. This non-family of theirs.
Zhou Mi's fingers edge across the tabletop to press, briefly, against Henry's exposed wrists where he cradles his teacup.
---
A second sign, after the exposition: a blue and red light sign turned azure and pink with neon. Waved high in a sea of other signs, surrounded by arms, bracelets, watches, camera straps. 觅贤.
"Look," whispers Kyuhyun into Zhou Mi's ear, "only ninety-nine signs for Hankyung-hyung this time. One for us!"
Zhou Mi's snorts softly, but his expression is clear as he looks at the sign.
"They like me better. My name is first."
"You're in pink," Kyuhyun counters.
"They like me better."
They like me.
---
To say the news of SJM's comeback is met with mixed feelings would be an understatement. Relief, certainly. Determination to make this work despite-- well, everything. But Donghae, facing again the prospect of long periods away from Korea. Siwon, another choice between being a member and being an actor. Ryeowook, lost again in translation despite his best intentions. Henry, Henry, who wants it so badly but knows the reticence of the other members. Zhou Mi, who lost a leader, a mentor, a friend--
Kyuhyun, faced with truths he knows now that he didn't before.
You could call it character development; changes over the past years. 2008 was their inception and Kyuhyun was nervous, awkward, and uncertain. 2009 was when he found surer footing, more familiarity and better comfort in the language. But then 2009, in an unexpected turn of events with little to no foreshadowing, knocked them all aback.
2010, Kyuhyun has some time and space to reflect on his personal discovery. An epiphany overshadowed by the drama that nipped at its heels.
2011, things have settled. SJM will make a comeback. Kyuhyun will be facing it with a new perspective. Enter Part II of the story.
---
(interlude)
This is an important moment. This is not the important moment, but it merits some attention.
This is the moment Kyuhyun knows he loves Zhou Mi, you see. He's not an idiot. He's young and maybe a little inexperienced, but Kyuhyun's far from naive. He knows he treats Zhou Mi differently from the way he treats Henry. He knows he feels differently about Zhou Mi than he feels about Donghae. It doesn't take that long for Kyuhyun to suspect there is something more underlying the way he gravitates to Zhou Mi's side than merely line order.
There's a pile of gift bags - plastic, paper, festively ribboned, and brightly colored - piled on one end of their couch. They go through them a little bit at a time, when they're bored, ignoring them when they're exhausted, which is most of the time. Kyuhyun's sprawled on the other end of the couch with his laptop open and in his lap, surfing the internet. For once, it's a slow night. They're flying back to Seoul tomorrow, and it's not the relief it should be, not considering the circumstances. Kyuhyun doesn't know how he'll look at Hankyung tomorrow - but that is tomorrow. Tonight, they have off.
Kyuhyun is thinking about updating his cyworld when Zhou Mi wanders out of the bathroom in ugly black and white checked pants, a t-shirt, a green face-mask. His hair's dark and wet, his feet are bare, and Kyuhyun stares at him.
"Do you want to try this new cleanser, Kyuhyun?" Zhou Mi asks cheerfully. "My cousin picked it out, it's brand-name! It's supposed to be really good for your skin, you know. Daling-jie said you need to take care of your skin, remember?"
When Kyuhyun did the commercial with Donghae for Happy Bubble, he rolled his eyes and laughed every time they joked about his acne, every time they compared it to Donghae's much better behaved skin. It's easy to laugh on the surface, despite the flash of discomfort, the hot burst of shame, about his uncooperative complexion. Kyuhyun's told himself over and over again it's just being dealt a bad hand in genetics, something about doing the best with what you're given. He's never been able to help the sliver of resentment, though.
Not until it's Zhou Mi standing before him with his strict skin care regimen and his flawless skin: cheerful, well-meaning, and completely open. Looking ridiculous.
Kyuhyun doesn't fall in love on the spot; it takes that moment for him to realize he's already gone. It's too late.
He knocks one of the bags off the couch as he clambers to his feet, which makes Zhou Mi laugh at him. "C'mon, I'll help you," says Zhou Mi, dragging him into the steam-filled bathroom. It smells like lilacs.
That's what Kyuhyun remembers clearest: damp warm air, Zhou Mi's enthusiasm, and the scent of lilacs. A pocket of light as the foundations shake beneath his feet and start to crumble.
---
part ii
One of Kyuhyun's least favorite parts of the story is this:
Zhou Mi at his most sincere doesn't smile. Smiling is his default, his go-to for diffusing tension or awkwardness, to cover uncertainty or displeasure. Sometimes a smile is just a smile, of course, but it masks enough, frequently enough, that Kyuhyun pays more attention when Zhou Mi isn't smiling. If it reaches that point, Zhou Mi is genuinely, deeply upset or genuinely, deeply earnest.
He's smiling when he says, "They'd never pick me as leader, Kyuhyun. I don't even want to be leader! I think Siwon will do a good job."
Kyuhyun's thumb circles idly on his iPod, scrolling down a long list of ballads. "You're oldest."
"It doesn't always go to the oldest. That's not a rule."
Not always, but almost always. Kyuhyun looks over at Zhou Mi, who's fiddling with his phone's camera now, aiming it down the aisle of the plane as if he were going to take a picture of the flight attendant. He's still smiling faintly, like the Cheshire cat's grin that lingers even after the cat's disappeared, an after-impression.
Not always, but almost always. Not in this case because Zhou Mi is Chinese. Not one of the original thirteen. What other reasons?
Kyuhyun presses down on his iPod. The opening chords of At Least I Still Have You play in his ear.
He reaches over and pokes Zhou Mi's arm. "Yah, what are you taking a picture of? Turn your phone around."
Zhou Mi scrunches his face up at him but does as told, aiming the viewfinder at himself, fading smile lit back up. Kyuhyun leans in against his shoulder. "Eggplant," he says in Chinese and matches the wattage of Zhou Mi's grin with his own.
---
But for every part that doesn't go the way you want it to, there is a part that does.
One of Kyuhyun's favorite moments is a laughing, giddy Sungmin throwing his arms around a flushed and excited Zhou Mi, who's wet from wild water bottles and clad head to toe in black. "Miss Chic," Sungmin exclaims. "Gentleman Mimi? There are too many things to call you, Seasoning."
Above their heads, crowded around the stage, are thousands of voices screaming Zhou Mi. Zhou Mi, wo ai ni.
Kyuhyun knocks his elbow into Zhou Mi's side as he passes and their gazes collide, electric. "Miss Mi," he laughs into Zhou Mi's grinning face and wonders if Zhou Mi hears the truth beneath his words. I'm proud of you.
I'm happy for you.
I'm--
Zhou Mi frees himself from Sungmin to wrap an arm around Kyuhyun and squeeze.
That's Nanjing, 2010.
---
Donghae still wears plaid shirts but he's different inside, jaded. He's not as playful as he used to be. Ryeowook has a different haircut but he's still the same, nurturing, loyal, and strong. Kyuhyun doesn't know if he's changed for the better or for the worse this time around, but it's true that things are different. Nothing can stay the same forever.
It's bitterly cold outside and all he wants to do is finish shooting. It's fun but it's also a job; there's also only so much fun you can have when it feels like your ears or your fingers are about to fall off. He feels sympathetic for all the crazy fans who braved the biting air to watch them film. The crew too, but at least they're getting paid. The fans... Kyuhyun appreciates them, but he thinks they're insane.
But they're here for them, SJM. They're not here for Hankyung.
Henry's jumping up and down to keep warm, bothering Siwon. Zhou Mi looks like he wants to wilt over and die.
Kyuhyun looks at the other members stuffed in their bulky winter coats, their breaths foggy in the cold air, and feels a little proprietary. Maybe they're finally a family now. Maybe that's what's changed, at last: the way he sees them.
They're a family, they're his. He's theirs.
No matter what, they'll have each other.
This is an important moment too. You'll see why.
---
(interlude ii)
It takes Heechul half a year to forgive Hankyung. To be honest, Kyuhyun wasn't sure he would. Heechul is the type who will hold a grudge if it suits his purposes. More than that, though, is that Kyuhyun knows now you feel more when you care. It cuts deeper, wounds more painfully, when it's someone you love more hurting you.
But halfway through 2010, Heechul is talking about a trip to China to visit, and Kyuhyun learns another lesson: the ones you love best are the hardest to let go. They mean too much.
This is before SM confirms SJM's comeback, in the months where the subgroup lingers in limbo. This is during Kyuhyun's period of self-discovery. He's a learning a lot, growing and changing: main characters have to.
---
part iii
They're kissing. Kyuhyun's got Zhou Mi's lower lip between his teeth, tugging gently. Their mouths move over each other slow and careful, a tentative assessment. Zhou Mi's hands are a butterfly light touch on Kyuhyun's hips, as if afraid any further pressure will have Kyuhyun skittering away. Kyuhyun's not the flight risk, though, not when he was the one who leaned over first and put his hand on Zhou Mi's face, turning it face him. Not when he drew them together, reading all the little signs he's grown fluent in.
Wait.
Did we a skip a scene in this story?
How did they come to this point, Kyuhyun's hands cupping Zhou Mi's face and Zhou Mi breathing so shallowly, eyelashes fluttering against his cheek with every skip of his pulse?
Back up. Not all stories need to be told linearly, but the lead-up to the climax can't skip the pivotal scene. Some things should be explained.
---
There's only so much you can explain, though. Life is what happens when you're not paying attention, like falling in love with someone unexpected, someone you thought would not impress you. When you do pay attention - that's when you notice things like I'm already in love and no matter what, we'll have each other and you don't let go of those you love.
Kyuhyun's not an idiot. He is still young, still got a lot of growing and changing and learning to do, but he's far from naive. He catches the little signs when he pays attention. He can put the pieces together for the big reveal.
It's worth it.
And when you lose the fear, you're willing to take the leaps, and willing to cross that invisible line with a hand that you put on his cheek. Make him look at you. Wait for the smile to fade, until he's nothing but serious dark eyes and patient attention.
Kyuhyun kisses Zhou Mi with not so much a question as a statement.
This is the most important moment, you could argue. This is what their story has been building up towards. Zhou Mi finding himself, applying more pressure, as the kiss deepens. A red flush creeping up his throat and jaw, hot under Kyuhyun's palm, a sense memory that will linger in his mind, like lilacs.
This could be the most important moment, but then there's the next moment (Zhou Mi's hands sliding into the small of Kyuhyun's back and tugging him closer), the next (Kyuhyun breaking away to pant against Zhou Mi's hair), and all the moments after that.
Their story's not over yet; in fact, you could say, it's barely started.
Kyuhyun's too busy to pinpoint each important moment, anyway, too busy making them and living them.
Maybe that's how it should be. Stories are only interesting to share when they're over. To tell an incomplete story leaves the audience dangling, waiting for a resolution that has yet to come. Kyuhyun may tell this story again when he's older, when it's closer to be finished, after he's put the story through its literary paces.
For now, there are other things on his mind.
fandom: Super Junior M
pairing: Zhou Mi/Kyuhyun
rating: PG
summary: The most interesting part of a story is how everything started. This is the story of Zhou Mi and Kyuhyun, the beginning.
The story of Zhou Mi and Kyuhyun is not, admittedly, very long.
But the story hasn't ended yet, so who knows how long it will get? Kyuhyun's not so much interested in the epilogue as he is in the next chapter. Sometimes, while he's waiting, he thinks about how it started.
It started with, as most stories do, a "hello".
(There was a prologue, too, the days of rumors of the China subgroup, the talk of that new Chinese trainee recruited straight from China. Kyuhyun's memory is hazy on those days, though. Who reads prologues anyway? The real story is when things get interesting.)
"Hello," said Zhou Mi, awkward and formal but smiling so widely Kyuhyun's own face twinged in sympathy.
"Hello," said Kyuhyun dutifully, prepared to be unimpressed.
Not prepared for Zhou Mi to get under his defenses, under his skin, the way he did.
But the most interesting stories are the ones that surprise you.
---
part i
There are indicators, of course. A good story has foreshadowing that you only recognize in hindsight. Kyuhyun thinks the first one is probably Seasoning. Heechul instigates changes simply through who he is; his words and his actions are catalysts by nature. Joomyuk doesn't stay, and it's Zhou Mi to everyone who can manage an approximation, with Hankyung's exasperated corrections and Zhou Mi's good-natured acceptance. Jomi, declares Heechul, because he's taken an instantaneous liking to him.
Heechul's that incredibly interesting side character that leaves the reader idly thinking they wouldn't mind reading a story with him as protagonist.
Heechul's interest makes Kyuhyun think, huh. Maybe there's something more.
Curiosity killed the cat, they say. More accurately, in this case, the cat is the one who piqued that initial curiosity.
---
Kyuhyun knows it's not going to go as expected the first time he hears Zhou Mi sing. Of course Zhou Mi is a good singer; SM wouldn't have selected him otherwise. That's not what surprises Kyuhyun.
No, it's the way Zhou Mi's easy-going, bright-eyed, and sunny personality vanishes in an instant, and suddenly it's serious. Suddenly it's deep-running passion and a river of emotions that have been banked until now. Suddenly it's a flood, and it's real, fire-shadows turned concrete and tangible. Kyuhyun has always been a good singer. He's never had to try.
---
"Shut up," Henry shouts, in English. "Shut up, you have no idea--" He switches to Mandarin, stuttering between words. "You don't know. Everyone loves you. Everyone has always loved you."
Kyuhyun only gets the broadest gist of what he's saying, but it's not hard to guess. He's shouting at Hankyung, after all. In China, no one's as beloved as Hankyung. Henry's red-faced, eyes bright. They got three hours of sleep last night, four the night before. They're running thin on a tight schedule, and Kyuhyun's not the only one edge. He's not sure he expected Henry to snap first.
But the screams. The screams are double-edged.
Henry shouts at Hankyung and Hankyung looks strained, like he doesn't know what the right words are. Kyuhyun wonders if this is what it's like to be a parent: you feel as though you should know the answers, but in reality you are floundering along with the rest of the world. There's no instruction manual.
"Henry," Hankyung says, and then he says more, quiet, rapid, attempting to soothe. Kyuhyun looks away from the hitch of Henry's chest and the white knuckles of his fist.
Across the room Zhou Mi is staring at them, like he has a million things to say that he's swallowed.
Super Junior is like a family, in the most literal of senses. You don't always like each other, you don't always see each other, but you are forced to live together. Sometimes you're annoyed, sometimes you just want to avoid everyone, and sometimes you're angry. In the end, though, you love each other and support each other, like family. You may find them exasperating, frustrating, but they're yours.
SJM is too new to be family. SJM is walking a careful balance as a new venture, with unknown variables.
It's unstable. Volatile. And Henry's just upset the equilibrium, which means, as far as Kyuhyun is concerned, that there is passion. You don't shout and cry over things that don't matter. You don't get upset about things you don't care about.
They all care so much.
"He'll find a way," Siwon murmurs beside him. Kyuhyun glances over and sees the solemn expression on Siwon's face.
He knows Siwon is talking about God, unwavering in his faith that things will work out. Kyuhyun-- Well, Kyuhyun thinks if God is working, He is working through them. Ryeowook is a calm, sympathetic presence at Henry's side, guiding him to a chair and fetching him tea. Hankyung is talking and talking and talking, as if he believes he'll hit upon the right words eventually.
Zhou Mi twists his hands, eyes shadowed, and joins them at the table. He doesn't say anything but Kyuhyun suspects his presence is enough. Out of all of them, Zhou Mi would know best how Henry feels.
This little non-family with its language barriers, fighting to maintain a semblance of stability, makes do with nonverbal gestures. Because they care. We care, Kyuhyun realizes. There's a fierce feeling inside his chest, clutching at his heart with pointy sharp fingers. It's the first time he's wanted, whole-heartedly, for them to succeed. Not for the company, not for the name of Super Junior-- For them, the seven of them. This non-family of theirs.
Zhou Mi's fingers edge across the tabletop to press, briefly, against Henry's exposed wrists where he cradles his teacup.
---
A second sign, after the exposition: a blue and red light sign turned azure and pink with neon. Waved high in a sea of other signs, surrounded by arms, bracelets, watches, camera straps. 觅贤.
"Look," whispers Kyuhyun into Zhou Mi's ear, "only ninety-nine signs for Hankyung-hyung this time. One for us!"
Zhou Mi's snorts softly, but his expression is clear as he looks at the sign.
"They like me better. My name is first."
"You're in pink," Kyuhyun counters.
"They like me better."
They like me.
---
To say the news of SJM's comeback is met with mixed feelings would be an understatement. Relief, certainly. Determination to make this work despite-- well, everything. But Donghae, facing again the prospect of long periods away from Korea. Siwon, another choice between being a member and being an actor. Ryeowook, lost again in translation despite his best intentions. Henry, Henry, who wants it so badly but knows the reticence of the other members. Zhou Mi, who lost a leader, a mentor, a friend--
Kyuhyun, faced with truths he knows now that he didn't before.
You could call it character development; changes over the past years. 2008 was their inception and Kyuhyun was nervous, awkward, and uncertain. 2009 was when he found surer footing, more familiarity and better comfort in the language. But then 2009, in an unexpected turn of events with little to no foreshadowing, knocked them all aback.
2010, Kyuhyun has some time and space to reflect on his personal discovery. An epiphany overshadowed by the drama that nipped at its heels.
2011, things have settled. SJM will make a comeback. Kyuhyun will be facing it with a new perspective. Enter Part II of the story.
---
(interlude)
This is an important moment. This is not the important moment, but it merits some attention.
This is the moment Kyuhyun knows he loves Zhou Mi, you see. He's not an idiot. He's young and maybe a little inexperienced, but Kyuhyun's far from naive. He knows he treats Zhou Mi differently from the way he treats Henry. He knows he feels differently about Zhou Mi than he feels about Donghae. It doesn't take that long for Kyuhyun to suspect there is something more underlying the way he gravitates to Zhou Mi's side than merely line order.
There's a pile of gift bags - plastic, paper, festively ribboned, and brightly colored - piled on one end of their couch. They go through them a little bit at a time, when they're bored, ignoring them when they're exhausted, which is most of the time. Kyuhyun's sprawled on the other end of the couch with his laptop open and in his lap, surfing the internet. For once, it's a slow night. They're flying back to Seoul tomorrow, and it's not the relief it should be, not considering the circumstances. Kyuhyun doesn't know how he'll look at Hankyung tomorrow - but that is tomorrow. Tonight, they have off.
Kyuhyun is thinking about updating his cyworld when Zhou Mi wanders out of the bathroom in ugly black and white checked pants, a t-shirt, a green face-mask. His hair's dark and wet, his feet are bare, and Kyuhyun stares at him.
"Do you want to try this new cleanser, Kyuhyun?" Zhou Mi asks cheerfully. "My cousin picked it out, it's brand-name! It's supposed to be really good for your skin, you know. Daling-jie said you need to take care of your skin, remember?"
When Kyuhyun did the commercial with Donghae for Happy Bubble, he rolled his eyes and laughed every time they joked about his acne, every time they compared it to Donghae's much better behaved skin. It's easy to laugh on the surface, despite the flash of discomfort, the hot burst of shame, about his uncooperative complexion. Kyuhyun's told himself over and over again it's just being dealt a bad hand in genetics, something about doing the best with what you're given. He's never been able to help the sliver of resentment, though.
Not until it's Zhou Mi standing before him with his strict skin care regimen and his flawless skin: cheerful, well-meaning, and completely open. Looking ridiculous.
Kyuhyun doesn't fall in love on the spot; it takes that moment for him to realize he's already gone. It's too late.
He knocks one of the bags off the couch as he clambers to his feet, which makes Zhou Mi laugh at him. "C'mon, I'll help you," says Zhou Mi, dragging him into the steam-filled bathroom. It smells like lilacs.
That's what Kyuhyun remembers clearest: damp warm air, Zhou Mi's enthusiasm, and the scent of lilacs. A pocket of light as the foundations shake beneath his feet and start to crumble.
---
part ii
One of Kyuhyun's least favorite parts of the story is this:
Zhou Mi at his most sincere doesn't smile. Smiling is his default, his go-to for diffusing tension or awkwardness, to cover uncertainty or displeasure. Sometimes a smile is just a smile, of course, but it masks enough, frequently enough, that Kyuhyun pays more attention when Zhou Mi isn't smiling. If it reaches that point, Zhou Mi is genuinely, deeply upset or genuinely, deeply earnest.
He's smiling when he says, "They'd never pick me as leader, Kyuhyun. I don't even want to be leader! I think Siwon will do a good job."
Kyuhyun's thumb circles idly on his iPod, scrolling down a long list of ballads. "You're oldest."
"It doesn't always go to the oldest. That's not a rule."
Not always, but almost always. Kyuhyun looks over at Zhou Mi, who's fiddling with his phone's camera now, aiming it down the aisle of the plane as if he were going to take a picture of the flight attendant. He's still smiling faintly, like the Cheshire cat's grin that lingers even after the cat's disappeared, an after-impression.
Not always, but almost always. Not in this case because Zhou Mi is Chinese. Not one of the original thirteen. What other reasons?
Kyuhyun presses down on his iPod. The opening chords of At Least I Still Have You play in his ear.
He reaches over and pokes Zhou Mi's arm. "Yah, what are you taking a picture of? Turn your phone around."
Zhou Mi scrunches his face up at him but does as told, aiming the viewfinder at himself, fading smile lit back up. Kyuhyun leans in against his shoulder. "Eggplant," he says in Chinese and matches the wattage of Zhou Mi's grin with his own.
---
But for every part that doesn't go the way you want it to, there is a part that does.
One of Kyuhyun's favorite moments is a laughing, giddy Sungmin throwing his arms around a flushed and excited Zhou Mi, who's wet from wild water bottles and clad head to toe in black. "Miss Chic," Sungmin exclaims. "Gentleman Mimi? There are too many things to call you, Seasoning."
Above their heads, crowded around the stage, are thousands of voices screaming Zhou Mi. Zhou Mi, wo ai ni.
Kyuhyun knocks his elbow into Zhou Mi's side as he passes and their gazes collide, electric. "Miss Mi," he laughs into Zhou Mi's grinning face and wonders if Zhou Mi hears the truth beneath his words. I'm proud of you.
I'm happy for you.
I'm--
Zhou Mi frees himself from Sungmin to wrap an arm around Kyuhyun and squeeze.
That's Nanjing, 2010.
---
Donghae still wears plaid shirts but he's different inside, jaded. He's not as playful as he used to be. Ryeowook has a different haircut but he's still the same, nurturing, loyal, and strong. Kyuhyun doesn't know if he's changed for the better or for the worse this time around, but it's true that things are different. Nothing can stay the same forever.
It's bitterly cold outside and all he wants to do is finish shooting. It's fun but it's also a job; there's also only so much fun you can have when it feels like your ears or your fingers are about to fall off. He feels sympathetic for all the crazy fans who braved the biting air to watch them film. The crew too, but at least they're getting paid. The fans... Kyuhyun appreciates them, but he thinks they're insane.
But they're here for them, SJM. They're not here for Hankyung.
Henry's jumping up and down to keep warm, bothering Siwon. Zhou Mi looks like he wants to wilt over and die.
Kyuhyun looks at the other members stuffed in their bulky winter coats, their breaths foggy in the cold air, and feels a little proprietary. Maybe they're finally a family now. Maybe that's what's changed, at last: the way he sees them.
They're a family, they're his. He's theirs.
No matter what, they'll have each other.
This is an important moment too. You'll see why.
---
(interlude ii)
It takes Heechul half a year to forgive Hankyung. To be honest, Kyuhyun wasn't sure he would. Heechul is the type who will hold a grudge if it suits his purposes. More than that, though, is that Kyuhyun knows now you feel more when you care. It cuts deeper, wounds more painfully, when it's someone you love more hurting you.
But halfway through 2010, Heechul is talking about a trip to China to visit, and Kyuhyun learns another lesson: the ones you love best are the hardest to let go. They mean too much.
This is before SM confirms SJM's comeback, in the months where the subgroup lingers in limbo. This is during Kyuhyun's period of self-discovery. He's a learning a lot, growing and changing: main characters have to.
---
part iii
They're kissing. Kyuhyun's got Zhou Mi's lower lip between his teeth, tugging gently. Their mouths move over each other slow and careful, a tentative assessment. Zhou Mi's hands are a butterfly light touch on Kyuhyun's hips, as if afraid any further pressure will have Kyuhyun skittering away. Kyuhyun's not the flight risk, though, not when he was the one who leaned over first and put his hand on Zhou Mi's face, turning it face him. Not when he drew them together, reading all the little signs he's grown fluent in.
Wait.
Did we a skip a scene in this story?
How did they come to this point, Kyuhyun's hands cupping Zhou Mi's face and Zhou Mi breathing so shallowly, eyelashes fluttering against his cheek with every skip of his pulse?
Back up. Not all stories need to be told linearly, but the lead-up to the climax can't skip the pivotal scene. Some things should be explained.
---
There's only so much you can explain, though. Life is what happens when you're not paying attention, like falling in love with someone unexpected, someone you thought would not impress you. When you do pay attention - that's when you notice things like I'm already in love and no matter what, we'll have each other and you don't let go of those you love.
Kyuhyun's not an idiot. He is still young, still got a lot of growing and changing and learning to do, but he's far from naive. He catches the little signs when he pays attention. He can put the pieces together for the big reveal.
It's worth it.
And when you lose the fear, you're willing to take the leaps, and willing to cross that invisible line with a hand that you put on his cheek. Make him look at you. Wait for the smile to fade, until he's nothing but serious dark eyes and patient attention.
Kyuhyun kisses Zhou Mi with not so much a question as a statement.
This is the most important moment, you could argue. This is what their story has been building up towards. Zhou Mi finding himself, applying more pressure, as the kiss deepens. A red flush creeping up his throat and jaw, hot under Kyuhyun's palm, a sense memory that will linger in his mind, like lilacs.
This could be the most important moment, but then there's the next moment (Zhou Mi's hands sliding into the small of Kyuhyun's back and tugging him closer), the next (Kyuhyun breaking away to pant against Zhou Mi's hair), and all the moments after that.
Their story's not over yet; in fact, you could say, it's barely started.
Kyuhyun's too busy to pinpoint each important moment, anyway, too busy making them and living them.
Maybe that's how it should be. Stories are only interesting to share when they're over. To tell an incomplete story leaves the audience dangling, waiting for a resolution that has yet to come. Kyuhyun may tell this story again when he's older, when it's closer to be finished, after he's put the story through its literary paces.
For now, there are other things on his mind.