I'm no longer engaged.
Hello livejournal.
I have been scarce lately, lost in academia and the whirl of planning a wedding. But my life has taken a drastic turn, and I want to inform you of it all. Plus writing it out will probably help me a lot.
So, if you are interested, behind the Cut i explain exactly how it was that I became dis-engaged to the love of my life.
Two summers ago, I met a youth ministry major who was basically the human incarnation of everything I ever wanted in a spouse. Luckily, we soon began dating, and after almost a year he proposed. I was ecstatic, as was my family, and we soon began planning the wedding. We were very much in love, devoted to God, and taking serious steps towards marriage, possibly moving to Chicago so he could attend TEDS, and planning to have many children over the course of many years.
As the result of some well-meaning exhortation from a professor about, Zach realized that he hadn't really considered the kind of commitment and responsibility that marriage entailed when he proposed, but that he did it because he loved me and he felt that that's logically what you do when in love.
He took a step back to evaluate things and decided that he was both not ready to commit to spending his life with someone, but that even if he was, he wasn't absolutely sure that person was me, because I have been less than dependable and honorable and reliable (things like chronic tardiness, ignoring dishes, making excuses, skipping assignments and obligations, and not keeping my word. These are the same issues I've struggled with all my life, but I've always been able to float, especially at CCA, and I have never been motivated to grow up and out of these irresponsible behaviors.)
He wanted a wife and partner he could count on, not one he had to be a parent to. I thought this was a reasonable point, but I couldn't stand the thought of losing the Love of my life. At first I tried to bargain, promising that I could change and that he should commit to me when I prove that I was what he wanted. We even made a sort of written contract to this end. But it didn't take long for Zach to realize that this was unfair of him to allow me to go through with and would only destroy us further.
So we decided to seek wise counsel. I called a number of close christian friends and mentors, and he sought the counsel of other christian friends and family members.
Ultimately, we went to my Grandparents house here in Pennsylvania and talked to them for a few hours about how they thought we should proceed. Through the process and counsel of all of these close people, I realized just how much damage my irresponsibility really does to my life. Zach began to recognize in himself a number of larger issues and problems that he had left untended which were keeping him from becoming the man of God he wanted to be, and keeping him from being able to be in a committed, serious relationship with me or anyone else.
After much prayer and quite a few tears, we decided that we had been rushing into this, and that neither of us were really ready for what marriage really is. And we have both chosen to focus on ourselves and our faith and our schooling for a while, instead of each other.
For me, I'm focusing on becoming a responsible reliable student, employee, friend, and family member, and most of all, a real adult.
He is working on becoming a trustworthy, honest, committed person who doesn't make promises without being sure he means them, and one who can depend on God to fulfill him, rather than on relationships.
We are still friends, although that's awkward and reestablishing boundaries is a struggle for us, but we want to be able to help each other grow and monitor the others progress.
While we have no plans to get back together, I am hopeful that, as we work on ourselves and grow in our faith, we might reunite. But we are not going to count on it or make each other any promises we aren't sure we can keep. A lot can change as we change as people, and God hasn't chosen to let us know what's coming.
I still love him with all my heart and mind and soul, but I'm learning to contain that love and focus it into a drive to better myself through God's help. I still desperately want to be able to live the life he and I had planned, but I am slowly learning that God's plans for my life are different, and better.
There's an analogy that God has been pressing on my heart that's been helping me a lot. A loving parent will only take a cookie away from a child for three reasons. 1) They are diabetic and any kind of cookie with sugar is bad for them. 2) They have yet to eat their dinner and that same cookie will be much better and much more appropriate afterwords. 3) The parent has plans to give an even more delicious and nutritious cookie in the near future and doesn't want the child to spoil their appetite . fill their stomach. Likewise, for God to take away a relationship, either I am meant to be celibate (and since according to Paul, anyone with an active libido is not meant to be celibate, this is NOT the case), Or I am still meant to be with Zach in the future, after He has prepared us both, or there is someone else in God's plans for me that I need to be open and prepared for instead. And since God is the ultimate loving parent, I trust him.
This is one of the most difficult things I've faced in my entire life, but it will be a driving force for me. I have finally lost something of such value to me that I will be pushed to really make the changes in myself that God is trying to accomplish. I hope that Zach feels similarly.
I would very much like your prayers for the two of us, as well as our families, friends, and future spouses, whoever they may be.
Thank you.
I have been scarce lately, lost in academia and the whirl of planning a wedding. But my life has taken a drastic turn, and I want to inform you of it all. Plus writing it out will probably help me a lot.
So, if you are interested, behind the Cut i explain exactly how it was that I became dis-engaged to the love of my life.
Two summers ago, I met a youth ministry major who was basically the human incarnation of everything I ever wanted in a spouse. Luckily, we soon began dating, and after almost a year he proposed. I was ecstatic, as was my family, and we soon began planning the wedding. We were very much in love, devoted to God, and taking serious steps towards marriage, possibly moving to Chicago so he could attend TEDS, and planning to have many children over the course of many years.
As the result of some well-meaning exhortation from a professor about, Zach realized that he hadn't really considered the kind of commitment and responsibility that marriage entailed when he proposed, but that he did it because he loved me and he felt that that's logically what you do when in love.
He took a step back to evaluate things and decided that he was both not ready to commit to spending his life with someone, but that even if he was, he wasn't absolutely sure that person was me, because I have been less than dependable and honorable and reliable (things like chronic tardiness, ignoring dishes, making excuses, skipping assignments and obligations, and not keeping my word. These are the same issues I've struggled with all my life, but I've always been able to float, especially at CCA, and I have never been motivated to grow up and out of these irresponsible behaviors.)
He wanted a wife and partner he could count on, not one he had to be a parent to. I thought this was a reasonable point, but I couldn't stand the thought of losing the Love of my life. At first I tried to bargain, promising that I could change and that he should commit to me when I prove that I was what he wanted. We even made a sort of written contract to this end. But it didn't take long for Zach to realize that this was unfair of him to allow me to go through with and would only destroy us further.
So we decided to seek wise counsel. I called a number of close christian friends and mentors, and he sought the counsel of other christian friends and family members.
Ultimately, we went to my Grandparents house here in Pennsylvania and talked to them for a few hours about how they thought we should proceed. Through the process and counsel of all of these close people, I realized just how much damage my irresponsibility really does to my life. Zach began to recognize in himself a number of larger issues and problems that he had left untended which were keeping him from becoming the man of God he wanted to be, and keeping him from being able to be in a committed, serious relationship with me or anyone else.
After much prayer and quite a few tears, we decided that we had been rushing into this, and that neither of us were really ready for what marriage really is. And we have both chosen to focus on ourselves and our faith and our schooling for a while, instead of each other.
For me, I'm focusing on becoming a responsible reliable student, employee, friend, and family member, and most of all, a real adult.
He is working on becoming a trustworthy, honest, committed person who doesn't make promises without being sure he means them, and one who can depend on God to fulfill him, rather than on relationships.
We are still friends, although that's awkward and reestablishing boundaries is a struggle for us, but we want to be able to help each other grow and monitor the others progress.
While we have no plans to get back together, I am hopeful that, as we work on ourselves and grow in our faith, we might reunite. But we are not going to count on it or make each other any promises we aren't sure we can keep. A lot can change as we change as people, and God hasn't chosen to let us know what's coming.
I still love him with all my heart and mind and soul, but I'm learning to contain that love and focus it into a drive to better myself through God's help. I still desperately want to be able to live the life he and I had planned, but I am slowly learning that God's plans for my life are different, and better.
There's an analogy that God has been pressing on my heart that's been helping me a lot. A loving parent will only take a cookie away from a child for three reasons. 1) They are diabetic and any kind of cookie with sugar is bad for them. 2) They have yet to eat their dinner and that same cookie will be much better and much more appropriate afterwords. 3) The parent has plans to give an even more delicious and nutritious cookie in the near future and doesn't want the child to spoil their appetite . fill their stomach. Likewise, for God to take away a relationship, either I am meant to be celibate (and since according to Paul, anyone with an active libido is not meant to be celibate, this is NOT the case), Or I am still meant to be with Zach in the future, after He has prepared us both, or there is someone else in God's plans for me that I need to be open and prepared for instead. And since God is the ultimate loving parent, I trust him.
This is one of the most difficult things I've faced in my entire life, but it will be a driving force for me. I have finally lost something of such value to me that I will be pushed to really make the changes in myself that God is trying to accomplish. I hope that Zach feels similarly.
I would very much like your prayers for the two of us, as well as our families, friends, and future spouses, whoever they may be.
Thank you.