Fic: All the Same-Part Two (Remus/Sirius) R
Title: All the Same (Part Two)
Rating: R
Characters: Remus Lupin, Sirius Black
Pairings: Remus Lupin/Sirius Black
Summary: 'I don't mind; I don't care; as long as you're here.' Snapshots of Remus' and Sirius' lives together from their first year on.
Disclaimer: Anything you recognise does not belong to me.
Warnings: Male/Male relationship; language
Art Notes: Originally drawn by the_realduck for my request for rs_small_gifts, and they came out looking fantastic! Didn't she do an amazing job?! I immediately requested permission to add them to this story, and she graciously said yes! Original post can be seen here. Artist's post can be viewed here.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
6.
December 22, 1976
Moony,
Happy early Christmas! Hope you’re doing well and all that.
Listen…Padfoot’s here. He’s left home; run away. I’m not exactly sure what happened, as he won’t tell me anything. He’s all right! For the most part, at least, so don’t worry.
He’s a bit…well, I’m not exactly sure how to describe it. Something happened in that house and it’s knocked something wonky inside him. He’s not…right. He doesn’t act like Sirius, though I suppose that’s a bit understandable after what’s happened, but still. He’s just not right.
He’s asking to see you, Remus. So, do you think you could possibly…Floo in for a bit? My parents are all right with it. They just want Sirius to talk about it with someone. They’re just as worried about him as I am…though don’t tell him I said that!
Prongs
*
Remus stood outside the Potters’ household, gazing up at the second floor where a single light was shining through the guest room window. He kept watching for a shadow; for any form of life within the room, but he saw nothing. Remus had a suspicious feeling that he knew why.
He sighed and stepped up to the door, raising his hand and knocking softly. A short moment passed before the door was thrown open to reveal a worried looking James on the other side.
“Remus?” he asked in bemusement. “I thought you were Flooing. I’ve been waiting by the fireplace for the past hour.”
Remus shook his head, stepping inside and removing his winter cloak. “I think it’s been about seven years since Dad’s actually remembered to clean the chimney. Apparently, it finally collapsed the day before I came home, so now our Floo is out of service for a while. I had to take the Knight Bus.”
It showed just how truly worried James was that he only nodded. Any other time, his eyes would have lit up in excitement and he would have badgered Remus for any form of detail he could gain about the collapsed chimney.
“Explains why I couldn’t get through to you earlier,” he murmured. “You’re welcome to stay the night, then, if you like. I’ll get Mum to send an owl to your parents.”
Remus shrugged and followed James up the stairs. “Maybe,” he answered.
When they reached the landing, James turned left and walked down the hall to the third door before stopping and looking back at Remus. “I know he was asking to see you, but don’t be offended if he decides not to talk. He’s done a lot of that tonight.”
Remus stepped up to the door and said, “We’ll be fine, Prongs. Don’t worry.”
James nodded and turned back in the direction they had come from. Remus inhaled a deep breath before turning the knob and walking in to the room, closing the door quietly behind him. He gazed around the light-bathed bedroom, searching for Sirius, but saw no sign of him. He sighed and walked over to the bed, kneeling to the floor.
“Padfoot,” he called softly. A low whine emerged from beneath the bed. Remus leaned down and peered through the darkness, looking for any form of movement. “It’s me, Pads. C’mon and come out, all right.”
There was a shuffling sound and a long, pink tongue flicked out and licked Remus’ hand. His lips quirked upwards a bit as he moved his hand beneath the bed, feeling for the soft fur of an ear or snout. His skin encountered something course and his fingers wound gently through the thick hair.
“C’mon, you mutt,” he encouraged, fingers working behind the dog’s ear. There was a frustrated snort and a generous amount of black fur worked its way out from under the mattress.
Remus smiled and turned, leaning his back against the frame and looking at Padfoot as he sat on his haunches before him. His fingers were still tangled in the course fur.
“Well, aren’t you going to change back?” Remus asked.
Padfoot’s head bowed slightly and he emitted a mournful whine. Remus sighed and tugged gently at the fur. Padfoot moved closer to his side, leaning into the heat emerging from the werewolf’s body. They sat like that for some time before Padfoot sank low and sprawled his large body across Remus’ lap.
“You’re awfully big to be a lap-dog, Pads,” Remus snorted. The dog nuzzled his nose into the crook of Remus’ knee.
“You’re not going to tell me what happened, are you?” he asked softly.
Padfoot huffed in answer and turned to look up at Remus, grey eyes silently pleading.
“All right,” Remus sighed, thumb scratching over the dog’s skin.
He leaned his head against the side of the mattress. Eventually, he fell asleep.
Some hours later, James came in to check on them. Remus was leaning against the side of Sirius’ bed, his head thrown back and his eyes twitching in his sleep. Sirius lay across the werewolf’s lap in human form, Remus’ fingers threaded through the hair at the top of his neck and his lips curved up into a small smile.
James shook his head and back out slowly, flicking the light off as he went.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don’t mind, I don’t care
As long as you're here
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7.
May, 1977
Two months, Remus thought to himself as he walked through the corridors alone. It’s been two months and he still hasn’t tried to talk to me.
That wasn’t exactly true. Sirius had tried to talk to him. He had followed Remus all the way back from the Hospital Wing after Madam Pomfrey had released him three days after the full moon - two days later than I’m normally released, Remus thought sourly - pleading and apologising. Remus had slammed the dormitory door in his face.
Sirius had slept in the common room for three weeks until James had dragged him back to the dormitory after Lily had cornered him, demanding to know what was going on. It was the only time James had ever refused an opportunity to talk to her. Sirius hadn’t tried to speak with Remus since.
He did catch the boy looking at him, though. He felt the eyes more than he saw them, but he knew. He felt them when they were in classes; when they were at meals. He felt them when he was studying in the dormitory or common room; even in the library at times, hidden behind the shelves. Sirius never approached him; never tried to explain.
And really, that’s all Remus wanted from him now. He wanted an explanation; he wanted to know why Sirius had told Snape. After that, he could turn away from his once best friend and never bother looking back. It wouldn’t faze him at all. It really wouldn’t.
Remus sighed in angry frustration as he pulled the Map out from his bag. He was going to get what he wanted, regardless of whether Sirius liked it or not.
He gazed at the parchment, searching the small black dots for the one that was labeled Sirius Black. He wasn’t anywhere to be found, which only left one place he could possibly be: the Shrieking Shack. Remus pushed the Map back inside of his bag and quickly made his way out of the castle. The waning moon shone dully over the darkened grounds.
Remus was silent as he climbed through the trapdoor and crept up to the second floor bedroom where he somehow just knew Sirius would be, though he had no idea why. Sure enough, a darkened figured stood by the window, eyes gazing desolately at a dried blood stain upon the wall. Remus threw his bag to the ground to announce his presence and Sirius started when he heard it.
“Remus?” he whispered brokenly, eyes widening slightly.
“Why did you do it?” Remus asked furiously, voice frozen with ice. “That’s all I want to know, Sirius. Why did you do it?”
Sirius stared at him for a long moment, completely silent and looking more than a bit lost. Finally, he opened his mouth and a strangled, almost mad laugh emerged. Remus gazed at him in shock.
“Do you want to hear a story, Moony?” Sirius whispered, a manic gleam entering his eyes.
“I -“ Remus began, taking a step back.
“It’s quite good,” Sirius insisted. His eyes travelled back to the blood stain and he swallowed. “A bit dark. Maybe someone will make it into a book or a film someday.”
“Sirius…” Remus tried, unsure what the boy was talking about. Had he gone mad? Was that the reason for this entire business? It terrified Remus.
“There once was a prince,” Sirius murmured, finger tracing lightly down the wall, “an heir to the throne. ‘Such a lovely little prince!’ everyone always cried. ‘A true snake in the making.’
“Yet, as he grew, he became a disappointment in the king and queen’s eyes. They ordered him to his chambers; demanded the servants to punish him as they requested. The prince cried every night, wondering what was wrong with him.
“When the prince was older, his schooling began and he met the most wonderful people who never judged him the way his family did. They cared about him as no one else ever had.” His fist knocked against the wall as Remus stood frozen on the opposite side of the room. “The happier he became, the more disappointed the royal family was.
“The years passed and suddenly, the prince was sixteen. He was home for the holiday, the king and queen wishing for him to stay with them and the younger prince. The prince hated his house, choosing to stay in his chambers for the entirety of the day, only venturing out at night to wander.” Sirius’ hand stilled momentarily.
“One night, the prince overheard a conversation between his parents that he was not meant to hear. They were planning a ceremony; a wedding. It was to be between him and the horrible Lady Bellatrix.” Sirius’ hand hooked into a claw and his nails raked through the dried blood, leaving behind four smooth tracks in the rusty red. Remus was speechless. “Apparently it was to be a surprise to the prince; the king and queen hoped that by surprising him with the union, he would not be able to do anything about it. It was to take place the following summer.
“Hearing the news, the prince flew into a fit of rage. He screamed at the king and queen and they shouted back. Orders were made and threats were raised concerning the prince’s behaviour and discipline. The prince, however, flatly refused to follow their instructions and he announced the most foolish thing he could have possibly chosen to say. He was already in love.”
Sirius clenched his eyes closed, his entire body turning into one tense ball of tightly bound muscles. “What he didn’t realise when he stated the lie, was that it was not a lie at all. The prince was indeed in love and he wondered at how he had never known.
“When the prince rebuffed the king’s and queen’s advances to figure out who their heir was in love with, they tortured him, using all manner of things to gain his inner most thoughts. When they finally saw, they were disgusted and banished him from the realm.” Sirius’ chest was heaving forcefully as he told his tale. Remus wanted to say something; wanted to beg him to stop talking, but his mouth was dry and he couldn’t move any closer to the boy.
“Shortly after the prince returned for his schooling, an evil peasant approached him. He had heard tell from the younger prince of the happenings of the Royals over the holiday. He threatened to tell everyone, including the prince’s young love. The prince felt a ripple of panic and terror in his stomach and could think of only one thing to do that would put end to the peasant’s threats. The prince sent the peasant to his precious beast as sacrifice.”
Sirius finally turned to Remus and he was shocked to see tears in the dark-haired boy’s eyes.
“I’m so sorry, Remus,” he said in a choked whisper. “I never meant to hurt you, but I couldn’t let him say anything. I was so worried and lost, thinking about what had already happened, that I didn’t stop to consider what would.”
“Sirius…” Remus murmured before he was moving across the room and gathering the boy into his arms. Sirius buried his face in Remus’ collarbone and his fingers dug into the werewolf’s back. “I’m sorry, too. I promised you that we’d help you, but we - I didn’t. I didn’t do anything to help you.”
Sirius released a watery chuckle as he pulled back, away from Remus’ embrace. “You daft sod, you did everything. You saved me, Remus.” His eyes bored into Remus’ with an intensity that could never be rivaled.
“Sirius,” Remus began shakily, “who are you in love with?”
The remainder of the smile slid from Sirius’ face and he swallowed. “You,” he whispered, his gaze never moving from Remus’.
Something dropped down into Remus’ stomach and he felt as though he had been kicked. Every bit of air his lungs contained escaped from his mouth in a load gasp and Sirius winced.
“Please,” he begged fearfully, “please, Moony, don’t hate me.”
Remus stared and gaped at him, shaking his head. “I don’t think it’s possible for me to hate you, Sirius,” he replied softly before he reached forward, grabbing Sirius around the back of his head, and kissed him.
Sirius fell back against the window, hands stretching out to grasp at the frame to keep his body balanced and from falling through it. Then his fingers were in Remus’ hair, running along Remus’ jaw, sliding up under his shirt and over his stomach and chest.
They broke for air and Sirius’ mouth moved down his neck, suckling the tender flesh at the base. Remus moaned as heat filled his body and he bit into Sirius’ shoulder, causing the other boy to yelp slightly. Their hands were everywhere, pulling and stripping various items of clothing, tossing them to all corners of the room.
Their bodies pressed against one another and their mouths met again and Remus took a moment to simply savour the taste of Sirius. His lips tasted of dust and the salt from too many tears that Remus had never seen. Beyond that, he tasted of Hogwarts, which contained too many different flavours for Remus to even begin to identify. There was the faintness of some far off creamy-cocoa-something, and Remus hurriedly searched it out and lapped it up like a dying man. It was pure and it was real and it was completely and utterly Sirius.
Right then and right there, Remus felt himself fall.
Sirius was waiting to catch him. Sirius had always been waiting.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Go ahead and tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
And do it all over again
It's always the same
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
8.
June, 1978
Sirius spied Remus standing just outside the doors to the Entrance Hall. He silently slipped up behind him and wrapped his arms around the man’s waist from behind. Remus leaned back against Sirius’ chest and sighed in contentment.
“What are you doing?” Sirius whispered in his lover’s ear.
Remus shrugged. “Just taking one more look around.”
Sirius hummed, the vibrations in his chest making Remus twitch in amusement. “Can you believe this is it?” he asked softly, a hint of disbelief entering his voice. “We’re leaving and we’re not coming back.” Both men’s eyes watched as James and Lily walked towards the forest hand in hand. Sirius smiled.
“I know,” Remus agreed, turning his head to look back at Sirius. “It doesn’t seem very real, does it?”
“’S too soon,” Sirius murmured sadly. He watched as Remus turned back to stare out around the grounds and sighed again. An idea occurred to him and he poked the other man in the side gently. “Hey? Fancy taking one last walk?”
A slow smile spread over Remus’ face and he nodded, taking Sirius’ hand in his as he walked down the front steps of the castle. They made their slow way down to the lake, gazing at everything they passed and reliving long forgotten memories. As they passed the place where they had laid together beneath the stars what felt like too many years ago, Sirius’ hand squeezed Remus’ tightly in fondness. Wistful smiles flittered over their features.
“It’s all changing too quickly,” Remus said after a long while of silence.
They stopped and stared out over the sparkling lake. Sirius brought Remus’ hand up to his lips, placing a gentle kiss upon the back before dropping it and wrapping his arm around his waist.
“It can change for the better, you know,” Sirius spoke up after a moment.
Remus sighed. “I know it can, and I know it probably will, but that doesn’t mean I won’t miss what was.”
“I don’t think you do,” Sirius told him, gazing at him seriously. At Remus’ baffled look, he clarified quickly, “I don’t think you understand what I mean.”
Remus continued to look bemused. “What do you mean?” he asked tentatively.
Sirius’ other hand wrapped around Remus’ jaw as he leaned in to kiss the other man. When he pulled back, his eyes were still serious, but he could feel them dancing.
“Come live with me,” he murmured against Remus’ lips. “Come be with me.”
*
July, 1978
Sirius stared around the flat in baffled shock. He blinked a few times, hoping that he was imagining things, but his hopes were diminished when he opened his eyes and saw the exact same thing. He shook his head in complete disbelief.
Remus sat in the middle of the living room floor, only his head of honeyed hair visible between the cracks of the city of towering skyscrapers he had managed to build out of all his boxes.
“How,” Sirius began in astonishment as Remus craned his neck to see over the tops of the cardboard, “do you possibly have this much junk?”
Remus pouted. “It’s not junk,” he answered.
“Are they books?” Sirius asked dubiously.
“Most of them,” Remus replied lightly.
“It’s junk,” Sirius repeated.
Remus glared at him. The effect was slightly ruined, however, by the fact that he looked more or less like some sort of convoluted bird. Sirius waggled his eyebrows and Remus shook his head.
“Help me out?” he asked as he stood, gazing around at the mess he was trapped in.
Sirius walked over to the stacks, a mischievous grin on his face. Remus eyed him warily.
“Oh, no, Mr. Lupin,” he said, his eyes glinting, “I think you’re perfectly fine right where you are.”
“Sirius,” Remus warned, “I am not fine. I want out of here so that I can start unpacking these from the outside in.”
“Actually,” Sirius said after a moment of mock thoughtfulness, “you’re right, Remus. You’re not fine; you need company.” He then proceeded to haul his body over the cardboard towers and lower Remus and himself to the floor. He pulled his wand out, levitating more boxes from the outskirts over their heads, creating a makeshift roof and shrouding them in almost complete darkness.
“You do realise that if those fall,” Remus stated logically, “that they are filled with thick volumes and they will hurt like bloody hell, yeah?”
Sirius shrugged a shoulder disinterestedly. “They won’t fall,” he assured, his teeth flashing white in the dark.
Remus sighed. “What exactly do you expect to do in here?”
Sirius’ grin broadened as he moved closer to the werewolf, capturing his lips in a kiss.
Ten minutes later, there was moan from within the cardboard enclosure, followed by loud yelps of pain as three tremendously heavy boxes came crashing down upon the occupants’ heads.
“Sirius, you stupid, bloody, idiotic, completely brainless mutt!”
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wrong or Right
Black or White
If I close my eyes
It’s all the same
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
9.
September, 1981
The war was raging and they were losing. They were losing everything.
Those who fought against it had nowhere to turn for comfort and safety; nowhere to turn for solace. There was a traitor in the Order. James and Lily were preparing to take their son into hiding.
Remus avoided Sirius in an act to achieve space; in an attempt to just think.
Sirius avoided Remus because he simply didn’t give a bloody damn. Or, at least, that’s what he told himself every time he returned home from work or another mission and Remus wasn’t there. Again.
They went about their lives as best they could; both functioning on a subconscious, robotic level. They ate, they slept, and they fought. They lied and told themselves that they didn’t dream; they lied and told themselves that they didn’t reach across the bed to the empty space beside them in the dead of night.
They fell and this time, there was nothing waiting to catch them except black emptiness.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In my life
The compromise
I'll close my eyes
It’s all the same
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
10.
October 29, 1981
For the first time in months, Sirius was there when Remus came home. The man stopped short when he walked through the door to see Sirius leaning against the mantle of the fireplace, gazing at him with emotionless eyes. Sirius felt like smiling when he saw Remus tense as he closed the door, but he didn’t.
“Nice to see you’ve decided to come around again,” he said sarcastically.
Remus stared at him coldly. “I suppose I could say the same to you,” he countered.
Sirius ignored him. “So where were you this time?” he asked snidely.
“I can’t tell you. Where were you?” he shot back.
“Can’t tell you either,” he replied casually, blood beginning to boil. “Orders and all, you know?”
Remus hummed as he crossed his arms over his chest. He studied Sirius for a moment, his eyes lingering on his left forearm longer than necessary. Sirius paid him no mind.
Remus’ mouth drew back into a tight line. “James and Lily are going into hiding tomorrow,” he ventured.
Sirius’ eyes narrowed and he took a step forward. “How do you know that?” he snapped.
“They told me, you stupid mutt,” Remus replied, eyes flashing with something feral. “Lily wanted to say goodbye.”
Sirius took a few more steps forward, standing an arm’s length away from Remus. “You shouldn’t know that,” he snarled. “No one should.”
“Including you?” Remus snapped back.
Sirius leaped forward, shoving Remus back against the wall. “Don’t you dare,” he growled.
“Or what?” Remus bit out. “You’ll push me into a wall? Hit me? Try to kill me maybe?” Remus reached up and forced Sirius around and into the wall, his strength cracking the plaster and causing Sirius to hiss in pain. “Well guess what, Sirius? I’m not your fucking toy that you can play with until you get bored. I never have been.” He pushed again and the wall caved in a bit behind Sirius’ back. “I’m not Snape; I know you better than he did and I know what you’re capable of doing.” Sirius’ eyes drifted to Remus’ side where a large, long scar spread across his ribs, one of the many remainders left from that night. Remus smiled bloodlessly. “I have the scars to prove it.”
“If I’m such a horrible person then why are you still even here?” Sirius snarled.
Remus’ eyes iced over. “I don’t know,” he whispered harshly. “Honestly, I don’t even know why I was here to begin with.”
“So leave!” Sirius roared in his face.
Remus pulled back and his eyes travelled over Sirius’ body one last time, lingering again on his left arm. Sirius saw his hand lift up slowly as though we was going to grab it, but he suddenly dropped it and turned away, walking out of the flat, slamming the door behind him.
Sirius stood panting against the cracked and broken wall, trying to convince himself that his heart did not feel the same way.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Go ahead say it!
You're leaving
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
11.
June 6, 1994
He was running; running as fast as he possibly could. The house swayed and creaked around him, rocking with the force of the wind. He heard a shout from above and he sped up, pounding up the stairs.
“WE’RE UP HERE! WE’RE UP HERE - SIRIUS BLACK - QUICK!”
Remus reached the landing and blasted the door open with his wand. He stopped and took in the surrounding area. Ron was laying upon the dust covered floor, leaning against the dirty wall, his leg injured and looking quite painful. Hermione was crouched next to the door, face smudged and pale, eyes wide in her face. Harry - Merlin - Harry was standing over Sirius with his wand pointed at his heart, his eyes blazing with fire.
And Sirius…Sirius was gazing at him like a man lost at sea. His body was thin beneath the tattered and grimy robes, his hair matted and tangled, and so long it held no resemblance to the gorgeous strands it used to be. His eyes, though sunken and hollow, were the same grey abysses that they had always been. And there was an…orange cat on his chest, hissing like mad.
“Where is he, Sirius?” he heard himself asking.
Sirius slowly pointed across the room, but Remus found that he didn’t want to take his eyes off the other man. When he glanced away, though, and saw the rat struggling in Ron’s hands, his eyes snapped back to Sirius in shock.
He heard himself mumbling as he thought back to the months before James’ and Lily’s deaths, and it all fell into place. Sirius nodded slowly, his grey eyes never leaving Remus’ brown, and Remus’ heart unfroze.
He lowered his wand and reached down, pulling Sirius to his feet. He threw his arms around the man and hugged him like he had never thought he would be able to - would never want to - ever again. Remus heard a soft sob, but he was hard pressed to say whether it was his or Sirius’. Then, though, maybe it was both. It honestly didn’t matter. It was all the same.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And I'll take you for who you are now
If you take me for everything
Do it all over again
It's all the same
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A/N: The song used is ‘All the Same’ by Sick Puppies. You can find the song and beautiful ‘Free Hugs’ video to go along with it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vr3x_RRJdd4. Also, some dialogue was taken from The Prisoner of Azkaban, Scholastic paperback edition, pp. 343-344.
Part One
Rating: R
Characters: Remus Lupin, Sirius Black
Pairings: Remus Lupin/Sirius Black
Summary: 'I don't mind; I don't care; as long as you're here.' Snapshots of Remus' and Sirius' lives together from their first year on.
Disclaimer: Anything you recognise does not belong to me.
Warnings: Male/Male relationship; language
Art Notes: Originally drawn by the_realduck for my request for rs_small_gifts, and they came out looking fantastic! Didn't she do an amazing job?! I immediately requested permission to add them to this story, and she graciously said yes! Original post can be seen here. Artist's post can be viewed here.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
6.
December 22, 1976
Moony,
Happy early Christmas! Hope you’re doing well and all that.
Listen…Padfoot’s here. He’s left home; run away. I’m not exactly sure what happened, as he won’t tell me anything. He’s all right! For the most part, at least, so don’t worry.
He’s a bit…well, I’m not exactly sure how to describe it. Something happened in that house and it’s knocked something wonky inside him. He’s not…right. He doesn’t act like Sirius, though I suppose that’s a bit understandable after what’s happened, but still. He’s just not right.
He’s asking to see you, Remus. So, do you think you could possibly…Floo in for a bit? My parents are all right with it. They just want Sirius to talk about it with someone. They’re just as worried about him as I am…though don’t tell him I said that!
Prongs
*
Remus stood outside the Potters’ household, gazing up at the second floor where a single light was shining through the guest room window. He kept watching for a shadow; for any form of life within the room, but he saw nothing. Remus had a suspicious feeling that he knew why.
He sighed and stepped up to the door, raising his hand and knocking softly. A short moment passed before the door was thrown open to reveal a worried looking James on the other side.
“Remus?” he asked in bemusement. “I thought you were Flooing. I’ve been waiting by the fireplace for the past hour.”
Remus shook his head, stepping inside and removing his winter cloak. “I think it’s been about seven years since Dad’s actually remembered to clean the chimney. Apparently, it finally collapsed the day before I came home, so now our Floo is out of service for a while. I had to take the Knight Bus.”
It showed just how truly worried James was that he only nodded. Any other time, his eyes would have lit up in excitement and he would have badgered Remus for any form of detail he could gain about the collapsed chimney.
“Explains why I couldn’t get through to you earlier,” he murmured. “You’re welcome to stay the night, then, if you like. I’ll get Mum to send an owl to your parents.”
Remus shrugged and followed James up the stairs. “Maybe,” he answered.
When they reached the landing, James turned left and walked down the hall to the third door before stopping and looking back at Remus. “I know he was asking to see you, but don’t be offended if he decides not to talk. He’s done a lot of that tonight.”
Remus stepped up to the door and said, “We’ll be fine, Prongs. Don’t worry.”
James nodded and turned back in the direction they had come from. Remus inhaled a deep breath before turning the knob and walking in to the room, closing the door quietly behind him. He gazed around the light-bathed bedroom, searching for Sirius, but saw no sign of him. He sighed and walked over to the bed, kneeling to the floor.
“Padfoot,” he called softly. A low whine emerged from beneath the bed. Remus leaned down and peered through the darkness, looking for any form of movement. “It’s me, Pads. C’mon and come out, all right.”
There was a shuffling sound and a long, pink tongue flicked out and licked Remus’ hand. His lips quirked upwards a bit as he moved his hand beneath the bed, feeling for the soft fur of an ear or snout. His skin encountered something course and his fingers wound gently through the thick hair.
“C’mon, you mutt,” he encouraged, fingers working behind the dog’s ear. There was a frustrated snort and a generous amount of black fur worked its way out from under the mattress.
Remus smiled and turned, leaning his back against the frame and looking at Padfoot as he sat on his haunches before him. His fingers were still tangled in the course fur.
“Well, aren’t you going to change back?” Remus asked.
Padfoot’s head bowed slightly and he emitted a mournful whine. Remus sighed and tugged gently at the fur. Padfoot moved closer to his side, leaning into the heat emerging from the werewolf’s body. They sat like that for some time before Padfoot sank low and sprawled his large body across Remus’ lap.
“You’re awfully big to be a lap-dog, Pads,” Remus snorted. The dog nuzzled his nose into the crook of Remus’ knee.
“You’re not going to tell me what happened, are you?” he asked softly.
Padfoot huffed in answer and turned to look up at Remus, grey eyes silently pleading.
“All right,” Remus sighed, thumb scratching over the dog’s skin.
He leaned his head against the side of the mattress. Eventually, he fell asleep.
Some hours later, James came in to check on them. Remus was leaning against the side of Sirius’ bed, his head thrown back and his eyes twitching in his sleep. Sirius lay across the werewolf’s lap in human form, Remus’ fingers threaded through the hair at the top of his neck and his lips curved up into a small smile.
James shook his head and back out slowly, flicking the light off as he went.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don’t mind, I don’t care
As long as you're here
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7.
May, 1977
Two months, Remus thought to himself as he walked through the corridors alone. It’s been two months and he still hasn’t tried to talk to me.
That wasn’t exactly true. Sirius had tried to talk to him. He had followed Remus all the way back from the Hospital Wing after Madam Pomfrey had released him three days after the full moon - two days later than I’m normally released, Remus thought sourly - pleading and apologising. Remus had slammed the dormitory door in his face.
Sirius had slept in the common room for three weeks until James had dragged him back to the dormitory after Lily had cornered him, demanding to know what was going on. It was the only time James had ever refused an opportunity to talk to her. Sirius hadn’t tried to speak with Remus since.
He did catch the boy looking at him, though. He felt the eyes more than he saw them, but he knew. He felt them when they were in classes; when they were at meals. He felt them when he was studying in the dormitory or common room; even in the library at times, hidden behind the shelves. Sirius never approached him; never tried to explain.
And really, that’s all Remus wanted from him now. He wanted an explanation; he wanted to know why Sirius had told Snape. After that, he could turn away from his once best friend and never bother looking back. It wouldn’t faze him at all. It really wouldn’t.
Remus sighed in angry frustration as he pulled the Map out from his bag. He was going to get what he wanted, regardless of whether Sirius liked it or not.
He gazed at the parchment, searching the small black dots for the one that was labeled Sirius Black. He wasn’t anywhere to be found, which only left one place he could possibly be: the Shrieking Shack. Remus pushed the Map back inside of his bag and quickly made his way out of the castle. The waning moon shone dully over the darkened grounds.
Remus was silent as he climbed through the trapdoor and crept up to the second floor bedroom where he somehow just knew Sirius would be, though he had no idea why. Sure enough, a darkened figured stood by the window, eyes gazing desolately at a dried blood stain upon the wall. Remus threw his bag to the ground to announce his presence and Sirius started when he heard it.
“Remus?” he whispered brokenly, eyes widening slightly.
“Why did you do it?” Remus asked furiously, voice frozen with ice. “That’s all I want to know, Sirius. Why did you do it?”
Sirius stared at him for a long moment, completely silent and looking more than a bit lost. Finally, he opened his mouth and a strangled, almost mad laugh emerged. Remus gazed at him in shock.
“Do you want to hear a story, Moony?” Sirius whispered, a manic gleam entering his eyes.
“I -“ Remus began, taking a step back.
“It’s quite good,” Sirius insisted. His eyes travelled back to the blood stain and he swallowed. “A bit dark. Maybe someone will make it into a book or a film someday.”
“Sirius…” Remus tried, unsure what the boy was talking about. Had he gone mad? Was that the reason for this entire business? It terrified Remus.
“There once was a prince,” Sirius murmured, finger tracing lightly down the wall, “an heir to the throne. ‘Such a lovely little prince!’ everyone always cried. ‘A true snake in the making.’
“Yet, as he grew, he became a disappointment in the king and queen’s eyes. They ordered him to his chambers; demanded the servants to punish him as they requested. The prince cried every night, wondering what was wrong with him.
“When the prince was older, his schooling began and he met the most wonderful people who never judged him the way his family did. They cared about him as no one else ever had.” His fist knocked against the wall as Remus stood frozen on the opposite side of the room. “The happier he became, the more disappointed the royal family was.
“The years passed and suddenly, the prince was sixteen. He was home for the holiday, the king and queen wishing for him to stay with them and the younger prince. The prince hated his house, choosing to stay in his chambers for the entirety of the day, only venturing out at night to wander.” Sirius’ hand stilled momentarily.
“One night, the prince overheard a conversation between his parents that he was not meant to hear. They were planning a ceremony; a wedding. It was to be between him and the horrible Lady Bellatrix.” Sirius’ hand hooked into a claw and his nails raked through the dried blood, leaving behind four smooth tracks in the rusty red. Remus was speechless. “Apparently it was to be a surprise to the prince; the king and queen hoped that by surprising him with the union, he would not be able to do anything about it. It was to take place the following summer.
“Hearing the news, the prince flew into a fit of rage. He screamed at the king and queen and they shouted back. Orders were made and threats were raised concerning the prince’s behaviour and discipline. The prince, however, flatly refused to follow their instructions and he announced the most foolish thing he could have possibly chosen to say. He was already in love.”
Sirius clenched his eyes closed, his entire body turning into one tense ball of tightly bound muscles. “What he didn’t realise when he stated the lie, was that it was not a lie at all. The prince was indeed in love and he wondered at how he had never known.
“When the prince rebuffed the king’s and queen’s advances to figure out who their heir was in love with, they tortured him, using all manner of things to gain his inner most thoughts. When they finally saw, they were disgusted and banished him from the realm.” Sirius’ chest was heaving forcefully as he told his tale. Remus wanted to say something; wanted to beg him to stop talking, but his mouth was dry and he couldn’t move any closer to the boy.
“Shortly after the prince returned for his schooling, an evil peasant approached him. He had heard tell from the younger prince of the happenings of the Royals over the holiday. He threatened to tell everyone, including the prince’s young love. The prince felt a ripple of panic and terror in his stomach and could think of only one thing to do that would put end to the peasant’s threats. The prince sent the peasant to his precious beast as sacrifice.”
Sirius finally turned to Remus and he was shocked to see tears in the dark-haired boy’s eyes.
“I’m so sorry, Remus,” he said in a choked whisper. “I never meant to hurt you, but I couldn’t let him say anything. I was so worried and lost, thinking about what had already happened, that I didn’t stop to consider what would.”
“Sirius…” Remus murmured before he was moving across the room and gathering the boy into his arms. Sirius buried his face in Remus’ collarbone and his fingers dug into the werewolf’s back. “I’m sorry, too. I promised you that we’d help you, but we - I didn’t. I didn’t do anything to help you.”
Sirius released a watery chuckle as he pulled back, away from Remus’ embrace. “You daft sod, you did everything. You saved me, Remus.” His eyes bored into Remus’ with an intensity that could never be rivaled.
“Sirius,” Remus began shakily, “who are you in love with?”
The remainder of the smile slid from Sirius’ face and he swallowed. “You,” he whispered, his gaze never moving from Remus’.
Something dropped down into Remus’ stomach and he felt as though he had been kicked. Every bit of air his lungs contained escaped from his mouth in a load gasp and Sirius winced.
“Please,” he begged fearfully, “please, Moony, don’t hate me.”
Remus stared and gaped at him, shaking his head. “I don’t think it’s possible for me to hate you, Sirius,” he replied softly before he reached forward, grabbing Sirius around the back of his head, and kissed him.
Sirius fell back against the window, hands stretching out to grasp at the frame to keep his body balanced and from falling through it. Then his fingers were in Remus’ hair, running along Remus’ jaw, sliding up under his shirt and over his stomach and chest.
They broke for air and Sirius’ mouth moved down his neck, suckling the tender flesh at the base. Remus moaned as heat filled his body and he bit into Sirius’ shoulder, causing the other boy to yelp slightly. Their hands were everywhere, pulling and stripping various items of clothing, tossing them to all corners of the room.
Their bodies pressed against one another and their mouths met again and Remus took a moment to simply savour the taste of Sirius. His lips tasted of dust and the salt from too many tears that Remus had never seen. Beyond that, he tasted of Hogwarts, which contained too many different flavours for Remus to even begin to identify. There was the faintness of some far off creamy-cocoa-something, and Remus hurriedly searched it out and lapped it up like a dying man. It was pure and it was real and it was completely and utterly Sirius.
Right then and right there, Remus felt himself fall.
Sirius was waiting to catch him. Sirius had always been waiting.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Go ahead and tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
And do it all over again
It's always the same
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
8.
June, 1978
Sirius spied Remus standing just outside the doors to the Entrance Hall. He silently slipped up behind him and wrapped his arms around the man’s waist from behind. Remus leaned back against Sirius’ chest and sighed in contentment.
“What are you doing?” Sirius whispered in his lover’s ear.
Remus shrugged. “Just taking one more look around.”
Sirius hummed, the vibrations in his chest making Remus twitch in amusement. “Can you believe this is it?” he asked softly, a hint of disbelief entering his voice. “We’re leaving and we’re not coming back.” Both men’s eyes watched as James and Lily walked towards the forest hand in hand. Sirius smiled.
“I know,” Remus agreed, turning his head to look back at Sirius. “It doesn’t seem very real, does it?”
“’S too soon,” Sirius murmured sadly. He watched as Remus turned back to stare out around the grounds and sighed again. An idea occurred to him and he poked the other man in the side gently. “Hey? Fancy taking one last walk?”
A slow smile spread over Remus’ face and he nodded, taking Sirius’ hand in his as he walked down the front steps of the castle. They made their slow way down to the lake, gazing at everything they passed and reliving long forgotten memories. As they passed the place where they had laid together beneath the stars what felt like too many years ago, Sirius’ hand squeezed Remus’ tightly in fondness. Wistful smiles flittered over their features.
“It’s all changing too quickly,” Remus said after a long while of silence.
They stopped and stared out over the sparkling lake. Sirius brought Remus’ hand up to his lips, placing a gentle kiss upon the back before dropping it and wrapping his arm around his waist.
“It can change for the better, you know,” Sirius spoke up after a moment.
Remus sighed. “I know it can, and I know it probably will, but that doesn’t mean I won’t miss what was.”
“I don’t think you do,” Sirius told him, gazing at him seriously. At Remus’ baffled look, he clarified quickly, “I don’t think you understand what I mean.”
Remus continued to look bemused. “What do you mean?” he asked tentatively.
Sirius’ other hand wrapped around Remus’ jaw as he leaned in to kiss the other man. When he pulled back, his eyes were still serious, but he could feel them dancing.
“Come live with me,” he murmured against Remus’ lips. “Come be with me.”
*
July, 1978
Sirius stared around the flat in baffled shock. He blinked a few times, hoping that he was imagining things, but his hopes were diminished when he opened his eyes and saw the exact same thing. He shook his head in complete disbelief.
Remus sat in the middle of the living room floor, only his head of honeyed hair visible between the cracks of the city of towering skyscrapers he had managed to build out of all his boxes.
“How,” Sirius began in astonishment as Remus craned his neck to see over the tops of the cardboard, “do you possibly have this much junk?”
Remus pouted. “It’s not junk,” he answered.
“Are they books?” Sirius asked dubiously.
“Most of them,” Remus replied lightly.
“It’s junk,” Sirius repeated.
Remus glared at him. The effect was slightly ruined, however, by the fact that he looked more or less like some sort of convoluted bird. Sirius waggled his eyebrows and Remus shook his head.
“Help me out?” he asked as he stood, gazing around at the mess he was trapped in.
Sirius walked over to the stacks, a mischievous grin on his face. Remus eyed him warily.
“Oh, no, Mr. Lupin,” he said, his eyes glinting, “I think you’re perfectly fine right where you are.”
“Sirius,” Remus warned, “I am not fine. I want out of here so that I can start unpacking these from the outside in.”
“Actually,” Sirius said after a moment of mock thoughtfulness, “you’re right, Remus. You’re not fine; you need company.” He then proceeded to haul his body over the cardboard towers and lower Remus and himself to the floor. He pulled his wand out, levitating more boxes from the outskirts over their heads, creating a makeshift roof and shrouding them in almost complete darkness.
“You do realise that if those fall,” Remus stated logically, “that they are filled with thick volumes and they will hurt like bloody hell, yeah?”
Sirius shrugged a shoulder disinterestedly. “They won’t fall,” he assured, his teeth flashing white in the dark.
Remus sighed. “What exactly do you expect to do in here?”
Sirius’ grin broadened as he moved closer to the werewolf, capturing his lips in a kiss.
Ten minutes later, there was moan from within the cardboard enclosure, followed by loud yelps of pain as three tremendously heavy boxes came crashing down upon the occupants’ heads.
“Sirius, you stupid, bloody, idiotic, completely brainless mutt!”
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wrong or Right
Black or White
If I close my eyes
It’s all the same
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
9.
September, 1981
The war was raging and they were losing. They were losing everything.
Those who fought against it had nowhere to turn for comfort and safety; nowhere to turn for solace. There was a traitor in the Order. James and Lily were preparing to take their son into hiding.
Remus avoided Sirius in an act to achieve space; in an attempt to just think.
Sirius avoided Remus because he simply didn’t give a bloody damn. Or, at least, that’s what he told himself every time he returned home from work or another mission and Remus wasn’t there. Again.
They went about their lives as best they could; both functioning on a subconscious, robotic level. They ate, they slept, and they fought. They lied and told themselves that they didn’t dream; they lied and told themselves that they didn’t reach across the bed to the empty space beside them in the dead of night.
They fell and this time, there was nothing waiting to catch them except black emptiness.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In my life
The compromise
I'll close my eyes
It’s all the same
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
10.
October 29, 1981
For the first time in months, Sirius was there when Remus came home. The man stopped short when he walked through the door to see Sirius leaning against the mantle of the fireplace, gazing at him with emotionless eyes. Sirius felt like smiling when he saw Remus tense as he closed the door, but he didn’t.
“Nice to see you’ve decided to come around again,” he said sarcastically.
Remus stared at him coldly. “I suppose I could say the same to you,” he countered.
Sirius ignored him. “So where were you this time?” he asked snidely.
“I can’t tell you. Where were you?” he shot back.
“Can’t tell you either,” he replied casually, blood beginning to boil. “Orders and all, you know?”
Remus hummed as he crossed his arms over his chest. He studied Sirius for a moment, his eyes lingering on his left forearm longer than necessary. Sirius paid him no mind.
Remus’ mouth drew back into a tight line. “James and Lily are going into hiding tomorrow,” he ventured.
Sirius’ eyes narrowed and he took a step forward. “How do you know that?” he snapped.
“They told me, you stupid mutt,” Remus replied, eyes flashing with something feral. “Lily wanted to say goodbye.”
Sirius took a few more steps forward, standing an arm’s length away from Remus. “You shouldn’t know that,” he snarled. “No one should.”
“Including you?” Remus snapped back.
Sirius leaped forward, shoving Remus back against the wall. “Don’t you dare,” he growled.
“Or what?” Remus bit out. “You’ll push me into a wall? Hit me? Try to kill me maybe?” Remus reached up and forced Sirius around and into the wall, his strength cracking the plaster and causing Sirius to hiss in pain. “Well guess what, Sirius? I’m not your fucking toy that you can play with until you get bored. I never have been.” He pushed again and the wall caved in a bit behind Sirius’ back. “I’m not Snape; I know you better than he did and I know what you’re capable of doing.” Sirius’ eyes drifted to Remus’ side where a large, long scar spread across his ribs, one of the many remainders left from that night. Remus smiled bloodlessly. “I have the scars to prove it.”
“If I’m such a horrible person then why are you still even here?” Sirius snarled.
Remus’ eyes iced over. “I don’t know,” he whispered harshly. “Honestly, I don’t even know why I was here to begin with.”
“So leave!” Sirius roared in his face.
Remus pulled back and his eyes travelled over Sirius’ body one last time, lingering again on his left arm. Sirius saw his hand lift up slowly as though we was going to grab it, but he suddenly dropped it and turned away, walking out of the flat, slamming the door behind him.
Sirius stood panting against the cracked and broken wall, trying to convince himself that his heart did not feel the same way.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Go ahead say it!
You're leaving
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
11.
June 6, 1994
He was running; running as fast as he possibly could. The house swayed and creaked around him, rocking with the force of the wind. He heard a shout from above and he sped up, pounding up the stairs.
“WE’RE UP HERE! WE’RE UP HERE - SIRIUS BLACK - QUICK!”
Remus reached the landing and blasted the door open with his wand. He stopped and took in the surrounding area. Ron was laying upon the dust covered floor, leaning against the dirty wall, his leg injured and looking quite painful. Hermione was crouched next to the door, face smudged and pale, eyes wide in her face. Harry - Merlin - Harry was standing over Sirius with his wand pointed at his heart, his eyes blazing with fire.
And Sirius…Sirius was gazing at him like a man lost at sea. His body was thin beneath the tattered and grimy robes, his hair matted and tangled, and so long it held no resemblance to the gorgeous strands it used to be. His eyes, though sunken and hollow, were the same grey abysses that they had always been. And there was an…orange cat on his chest, hissing like mad.
“Where is he, Sirius?” he heard himself asking.
Sirius slowly pointed across the room, but Remus found that he didn’t want to take his eyes off the other man. When he glanced away, though, and saw the rat struggling in Ron’s hands, his eyes snapped back to Sirius in shock.
He heard himself mumbling as he thought back to the months before James’ and Lily’s deaths, and it all fell into place. Sirius nodded slowly, his grey eyes never leaving Remus’ brown, and Remus’ heart unfroze.
He lowered his wand and reached down, pulling Sirius to his feet. He threw his arms around the man and hugged him like he had never thought he would be able to - would never want to - ever again. Remus heard a soft sob, but he was hard pressed to say whether it was his or Sirius’. Then, though, maybe it was both. It honestly didn’t matter. It was all the same.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And I'll take you for who you are now
If you take me for everything
Do it all over again
It's all the same
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A/N: The song used is ‘All the Same’ by Sick Puppies. You can find the song and beautiful ‘Free Hugs’ video to go along with it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vr3x_RRJdd4. Also, some dialogue was taken from The Prisoner of Azkaban, Scholastic paperback edition, pp. 343-344.
Part One