[[closed to Wash]]
Through the war, Zoe never stopped to cry for the dead. It wouldn't bring anyone back, it wouldn't keep the people still living from being shot at. Even when her and Mal were the only two living left. She just didn't see much sense in it. Not when boys blew up, or when blood poured over her fingers, or she spoke to someone's parents. She left that to the people who weren't fighting.
She made it pretty far until Wash, when he pushed her out of the past and into the present. He made her cry and move on, and that was fine.
But then he died. And Book died. And she was pregnant. The only thing she could do was resort to military pragmatism, to shut it off and bottle it up because nothing was bringing her husband back. No amount of tears, or pleading with whatever God she still believed in. She cried once from the time she let go of his body, to the time Serenity was back in the air and flying, but after that, she was done. She grieved for Wash and Book separately, then pushed it aside. There was still life happening, around and inside of her, and she didn't have time for grief.
He's here now, though. Both of them are here in the village, and having her husband has been one thing. She's cried with him, fought with him, held the best thing they've ever done between them. She cherishes it, knows it's borrowed time that will eventually run out. It's settled somewhere in her brain, that there just isn't time to stop and examine that when she leaves the village she'll never have Wash again. Maya won't have her father and might not even be old enough to have memories of him. But that didn't sink in until she spoke with Book.
Sitting on the couch with Maya, it's semi-dark in the room, the baby asleep over Zoe's shoulder. Her conversation with Book had been a couple days ago, but she's still thinking on it, at the fact that this is another person in her baby's life she'll never remember. And who knows who else they might lose. What if Zoe loses her? This gaining and losing has never stuck with her so long. Not even when she lost both of her parents in one fell swoop. She only had to lose them once. She's going to lose her husband again.
She made it pretty far until Wash, when he pushed her out of the past and into the present. He made her cry and move on, and that was fine.
But then he died. And Book died. And she was pregnant. The only thing she could do was resort to military pragmatism, to shut it off and bottle it up because nothing was bringing her husband back. No amount of tears, or pleading with whatever God she still believed in. She cried once from the time she let go of his body, to the time Serenity was back in the air and flying, but after that, she was done. She grieved for Wash and Book separately, then pushed it aside. There was still life happening, around and inside of her, and she didn't have time for grief.
He's here now, though. Both of them are here in the village, and having her husband has been one thing. She's cried with him, fought with him, held the best thing they've ever done between them. She cherishes it, knows it's borrowed time that will eventually run out. It's settled somewhere in her brain, that there just isn't time to stop and examine that when she leaves the village she'll never have Wash again. Maya won't have her father and might not even be old enough to have memories of him. But that didn't sink in until she spoke with Book.
Sitting on the couch with Maya, it's semi-dark in the room, the baby asleep over Zoe's shoulder. Her conversation with Book had been a couple days ago, but she's still thinking on it, at the fact that this is another person in her baby's life she'll never remember. And who knows who else they might lose. What if Zoe loses her? This gaining and losing has never stuck with her so long. Not even when she lost both of her parents in one fell swoop. She only had to lose them once. She's going to lose her husband again.