All my possession for a moment of time... [OTA]

[elizabethrex]

As it turned out, everyone grieved differently -- and Elizabeth's preferred method was to just not openly do so, ever. Instead to celebrate her father as she thought he might want, to throw him a party. Invite everyone she knew, even if they didn't know him or her that well. And it was keeping her busy enough, along with preparing her lessons for

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[faramir_hurin]

I saw her come in but did not go to her. Elizabeth knows I'm here and she obviously knew what she was after as she did not ask for help. I do note that she hasn't left for quite some time and eventually look for her. I'm not surprised to find her in the back of the building but shocked that she's on the floor.

"My lady, what..." I see the book. There really is nothing to be said.

[elizabethrex]

She didn't look up from where she was hiding. Knew him, because no one else called her 'my lady' save the women for her family.

"Captain. It's..." well she didn't say anything else. Words, they had always been her ally, but they seemed so useless now.

[faramir_hurin]

"I see the book." I do not know exactly what it says, but I know enough of her history to have an idea of what she's seen.

"Do you wish an escort back to your room?" That might help, not to be in public.

[elizabethrex]

"No just..." She didn't know. Wasn't sure if she wanted to be left alone, but she knew less how to need someone, even like this.

She closed her eyes again, turning away and trying to get a hold of this. "... I... read... He asked me to. My Father, he asked me to read the books for him, and that we'd do it together." Her voice wasn't much more of a whisper, trembling with the effort of saying it. "He always gave me books. He always was happy for me to learn..."

[faramir_hurin]

Her father is gone, I know that much. She read for him and learned things that have brought her to this. No, he would not be happy that she learned today.

"Let me bring you to somewhere private here, then. You can have some time to compose yourself." She is not used to breaking down ever, much less where she might be seen. "We can talk, if you wish it."

I do not exactly know what to say. I'm sure she knows more of her future even than I know of mine.

[elizabethrex]

"... I would, but I do not think I can get up." She drew in a shaky breath, dropping her head, trying to find a measure of composure. It wasn't working. If only she could stop crying. But that seemed as impossible right now. She hardly even meant to anymore.

[faramir_hurin]

"That I can help with."

I offer a hand and an arm to pull up on, if she'd rather try that herself. It is strange to me to see such a strong person cry.

I suppose I have had my own tears and cannot begrudge hers.

[elizabethrex]

She took his hand and pulled herself up. Unsteady as her legs were, she ended up just leaning against his shoulder. Holding his arm still, her grip too tight and stiff to be anything closed to relaxed, because she didn't know how to let go of the only thing that seemed stable. She pressed her face against his shoulder, just wanting the dark warmth, she just wanted to hide, shut herself off till it didn't hurt any more.

"Why isn't it enough? Why isn't it ever enough?"

[faramir_hurin]

I can wait until she's steady. Wish I knew exactly what the book said--there are a number of them with her history.

"I don't know." I ask myself the same question, though obviously our lives are very different. "It never has been and I don't know if it will be, but I cannot give up hope. Even knowing what I know, I must continue."

I know we win, but we lose Boromir. Sometimes... I do wish it could be me instead.

"I would not be my if I did not try. I think it may well be the same for you."

[elizabethrex]

She didn't say much to his words, just nodded. She didn't want to be strong, right now she didn't care for trying, for pushing anything forward with her life -- it all seemed so pointless right now.

"I'm going to die alone. I can't even speak. Friendless, utterly friendless. And my country hates me, for what happens with Essex." She started crying again, hanging onto him, with both hands when she thought her legs would give out on her again, her grip desperate. "God, I failed."

[faramir_hurin]

"I do not think you have failed or will fail. That is but one book, and what people say of you after..." She is one of the best-loved rulers in England's history.

"I died, my lady. I could not speak but I was not alone--though no one was with me. Perhaps it shall be the same for you." My friend was not there but I was not alone.

I hold her as tightly as I can.

"You may have someone there yet, but no one but you will know."

[elizabethrex]

"It does not change the facts. Everything that we did -- all of it, becomes void the moment I put James on the throne. Him and his son, they ruined everything. They learnt nothing. Civil war, the one thing it was supposed to stop -- and the arrogant bastards didn't have the sense to - to - " she restrained the urge to spew the bile that was in her words. Because if she started, she wouldn't stop. Instead she just breathed harshly for a second against his shoulder, trying to reign it in.

"I do not think so, it's... it's the worse way to die. I'd rather be assassinated. I can't even speak, for two days before I died. Words are all I've ever had, words and my mind. And I lost both..." It scared her, worse then anything. She was powerless.

[faramir_hurin]

"That is not your failure, but theirs." Still, how it must feel to know such a thing. I've read nothing about James or his son.

"You die how?" I do not believe it. "I read that you meet death on your feet.* One book says that only one of your ladies was with you because none of the others could stand as long and they all fainted--but one."

*I read this in a book somewhere. Don't remember, it was a long time ago.

[elizabethrex]

"It's still mine, for having no choice. He was the clearest heir there was -- and... god maybe I should just have a child. Have a pretty bastard of my own." Her laughter is sarcastic, bitter. "Perhaps I could call him Henry." Not even realising how she sounded, her pain getting the better of her. "It'd have to boy, only a bastard boy would be enough. I only got a chance because my mother was as forceful as my father and got him to be married." He can't see it, but she smirks against his shoulder anyway.

"That too, I knew as soon as I laid down, I would not rise -- according to the books. And then, when I fainted I... then stayed in bed, before going into a 'coma' and dying." Being clinical as possible. "Maybe I should thank James, he was apparently such a bad ruler, that I was remembered well out of sheer nostalgia." The sneer in her words however, made obvious just how much she didn't mean that.

[faramir_hurin]

"It is not necessarily your choice as to whether or not you have a child. If it were that easy, your father would not have been so desperate."

That I will not do. Unless... it's possible that I already have. I do not think so.

"It has not happened yet, your death." Unlike my own, once.

"Come, my lady, you are enough improved that we can go into the back room." Perhaps by the time we get there she will not be speaking such bitter words. I worry she will be angry with me for hearing them.

"I died too, but it brought me here. I am alive at home. Odd to say, but living is harder." This now, this is likely more difficult than her dying will be.

[elizabethrex]

"I'm barren, probably. I never had a child to Dudley." Being blunt about it -- she was a complete failure as a woman, by her own times standards. "And I don't know what to do with a babe anyway. Children are given to nurses. I'm only ever asked to bless them."

"It is..." She waited for him to lead her, she didn't want to think for herself right now, didn't want to be strong. Pulled away only enough to look at him tiredly.