Sometimes all you need is a good cry! (i got a couple)

[heatherbrodsky]

Hey ok... this is going to be nothing like the one I had typed up... it took me over 20 mins to write that one, and I don't think I'd be able to say it all the same... hold on... some of it was from my journal... so I should get that and that should help me a bit... ok I now have it sitting next to me... so it started off on Friday with me and Laura thinking why did we get oursleves into this... it's going to be a very long weekend... which it wasn't long... we didn't want it to end... that group is one of the best groups, and when it comes to worship! oh my... it's just what I needed... I have all these things that have been bothering me, I don't tell people about them, there was a chance my mom had cancer... but she went today... and it was a no... then you have my dad... he is sick, and he can die from his illness, and on top of that he thinks I hate him... I don't at all... it's called I have a job... he could come here and visit me... but he doesn't... and I want him to come once without his wife Barb... her and I don't get along at all... she has dumb rules and gets mad when I use a towel for my hair!! so yeah I have that and then i really miss the friendships I had with Parker and Jesse... Sunday Parker talked to me, and it wasn't really odd, and during college group, he gave me this smile... it was nice... but still not like b4 where when I needed to talk to someone I was like hey Parker... and he'd drive my car and give me advise, just let me vent... and Jesse I just liked that friendship, I could talk about certain things to him that I couldn't with others... and then you have the whole my friends thing... Yeah I know Lo says she's my friend and I know she means it, but right now I don't feel it... that she's my friend... and it not just her... I don't know I'm going through things, and I just feel like on my part they aren't my friends... it's starting to feel more like we are... but not really... I miss the days where we shared the crack... yeah that's right Traci and I like it in the crack... she those are the days I miss... where we had movie nights and just chilled at my house... with just the girls... and we didn't always talk about guys... I think that a big part of the me not feeling like friends is that I matured... I'm not all about guys... and for awhile they were... I don't even know if they still are... I rarely talk to them... or do anything with them... i hang out with Laura... I love her to death... i don't know what I'd do without her... and then everyone says things about Rachel... personally I just don't want to try... I don't want to be around her... and that's just me... and if I don't want to then lets leave it at that... I know that hurts, but people have done it to me and do you know what I've dealt with it... you have to learn to give people space and if they don't want to hang out or be buddy buddy with you... then don't try! so yeah the weekend... so on Sat and Sun I got REALLY GOOD CRIES IN... and did it feel so good... but before the crying there was the scavenger hunt... Laura, myself, and John helped eric's team b/c they didn't have enough kids. i looked at the list and knew right away we were going to win I look and what's there... BIGGEST BRA... that told me we're going to win... it was funny when I told Sarah... her eyes got huge and she said 4... that's the biggest number you can get... lol... so then also biggest male underwear, and we had the biggest kid on our team as well... and laura had some of the things in her car too. SO yeah we won!!! I was smart and we had to have live/dead animals... so me thinking about how to get around it but still have the item... I said humans ARE animals... and then I thought hey what about the kitchen they should have some kind of meat... that IS a dead animal... so we got a peice of bacon... which I don't eat anything pig so I was like ewww... but yeah we won!!! So now back to me crying... it felt like no other time... it was like this huge weight was lifted off of me... so I'm not one to cry I just started to get more emotional... and let people see me cry... I usually hold it back, which I did do this weekend... but then I let it out. So it was during "Everything" - Lifehouse.... we sang it during worship, and that is a song that I cried to b4, Jesse was singing it, and I was just like oh my and bit down on my sketch book, which still has teeth marks on it! so yeah I started to cry... it's true... how can I stand here and not be moved by Him?.... and that's what I was doing... trying to not let anyone see that I was being moved... but then I let it go... and there I was a crying fool... and it felt so nice... to not care... and it was funny... not funny like let me laugh but ironic moreso... Joel, Nate and friends didn't want to stand in the front, but then during that song Joel was raising his hands and I think crying but couldn't tell... which made me cry more... I think that is one thing that moves me like no other... seeing guys get into worship... I just want to run up and give them a huge hug when they raise their hands or are singing with such emotion! so that night we stayed up with the girls... entertaining... I like Briana alot more then I thought I would... i couldn't stand her b4...now I can... so yeah then sunday we had a service, and they sang everything again and did communion which I didn't actually take because of how I was feeling and what I was thinking... I wrote about above... not only those things... conflicts and stuff with others, but with myself as well... so again I cried during the song, and really couldn't stop, not as bad as at church but still bad, so then I calmed myself down and Mike walks over to me and asks if I was ok and if it was a good weekend... and I start to bawl... and he gave me a hug... and it was one of the best things ever... that's what some people need sometimes a hug... I now have a thing for hugs... Kristina was like me and I couldn't but help giving her like 10 hugs... so yeah I told him it was a very good weekend... just what I needed... and he said I proved myself and that I was an offical leader at House on the Rock... so yeah... but it was an awesome weekend... "The Night I Lost The Will To Fight" - Cursive... a very good song... just fisnished playing... other songs that were playing during writing this song "pull My Hair" - Bright Eyes, Limbeck- "You", and Ultimate Fakebook - "Soaked in Cinnamon"... but yeah what a great weekend... now I should work on my drawing for class... it's due at the begining of class and no where near done... so for now... that's all... peace out!

<3 HeatherB