"Newb" on the loose...
...or whatever that might be in this new-fangled interwebnet terminology. As some of you may have seen, I filled in this application while bored one evening just to see what answers I could possibly come up with, a couple of members here egged me on to actually join and post it properly, and two weeks later I have been given the chance. I should probably give a huge disclaimer as I appear to be the only one from the United Kingdom of England-land trying to get in, and as such will probably give a very different set of answers from what you're used to. Not to mention my abrasive sense of humour has never really travelled across the Atlantic very well. But still, with a slight sense of trepidation: G-IRNL, you are cleared for take-off...
//Boring Stuff//
01) (Real) Name: Dr. James Robert Waterman. The first bit of that is the most important.
02) Nickname(s): Those who would try and assign one would be struck down with unstoppable force.
03) Birthday & age: Twenty seven seven seventy nine. Twenty eight.
04) Where do you live?: 52° 56' N, 1° 11' W.
05) Who sent you here/how did you find us?: Random clicking on other people's profiles. Such as joansies'. In truth I've known about this place for a while but figured I didn't fit the definition of a "dork". Or "heavenly", for that matter. In fact, the descriptions of what I'm expected to look like (Cute? Sexy? Lovable - are you serious?) are still filling me with cold dread. But read on, just in case I've been much mistaken.
06) What is your favourite colour? Blue. No - yellAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!
//A Little More Interesting//
07) What kind of music do you like?: I would be lying if I said I was anything other than a full-time metalhead, to the point that I will willingly travel all over Europe, at great personal expense if necessary (see last year's trip to Norway and the upcoming Ultima Ratio solo road trip) to see the bands I want to see, because in several notable cases there's bugger all chance of them ever playing over here. There's the odd bit here and there of non-metal silliness (think Weird Al Yankovic, The Wurzels, that kind of thing) but that's for those rare occasions when it's appropriate. For those still in doubt as to what I mean, take a butcher's at my last.fm page; I even took the time once to compile a list of my actual all-time top 20 favourite tracks, which was a much bigger job than it looks there.
08) What is/are your favourite book(s)?: For a cracking good read, you can't beat Organic Chemistry (Warren, Wothers, Clayden, Greeves) and Spectroscopic Methods In Organic Chemistry (Williams & Fleming). At least you can't if you're in my line of work. Yes, I do read chemistry textbooks for fun... and research papers, if I'm really punishing myself. I would recommend The Organosulfur Chemistry of the Genus Allium - Implications for the Organic Chemistry of Sulfur (E. Block, Angewandte Chemie International Edition in English, 1992, 31, 1135-1178) - but you'll not be able to get hold of that outside a university library. I also keep a stash of Jeremy Clarkson's rants to hand (e.g. Motorworld, Born To Be Riled) to hand for a quick pick-up-and-read when I'm sitting on the khazi. Another book I keep on going back to is The Great Encyclopedia Of Formula One, which cost me 75 quid, was a first edition and was exceptionally badly proof-read (if, indeed, it was proof-read at all - a blind chimpanzee could have done a better job) but is a thoroughly comprehensive history of the first fifty years of Formula One, something I tend to obsess over to the point of knowing who was driving for what team and what their number was for every race from 1990 to the present. I have also missed a grand total of two races since first picking it up 17 years ago. At this point you're all no doubt in screaming apoplexy that I haven't mentioned any novels. Hard luck; I have never, ever found reading novels anything other than a chore to be endured rather than enjoyed. Blame school for that. I last touched a novel for pleasure when I was 13, and that's when some of you were still shitting in a nappy. Though I did spend some time reading various Wikipedia pages about the Discworld novels; I will admit I find the concepts fascinating, and which could very well make interesting reading. There is some appeal in the extreme geekness of it all and I'm still impressed to this day that someone went on Mastermind and answered questions about every last detail of Discworld spread over all the novels that had been written at the time. But the chances I'm ever going to get round to the first, let alone all 36, are very low.
09) Tell us a story...: What I would write would undoubtedly not fit in here, given that it was knocking on the door of the maximum length of an LJ post. Instead, I'm going to link to it, and let's call it Sagas Of Norway: The Complete Collectors' Edition. Yes, it is a festival review of sorts, but I never just write reviews, I will dive firmly into the background behind it, including what I had for dinner each day and other such details that could only be of interest if you were there. And if you're me. Which I am. Read it anyway, although if you are like hell_ben_t and it takes three days to get through, don't say I didn't warn you.
10) What magazines do you read? (If you don't read any, make one up): I'm a subscriber to Auto Express; I'll still occasionally have a flick through Terrorizer, but I'll not prioritise it.
11) What is/are your favourite film(s)?: Truth is, I spend almost no time at all watching films, to the point where I really struggle to compile an all-time top ten. Most were forgotten about within half an hour of them ending. But as a general rule, I'll go for anything rock-related. Still Crazy, Airheads, This Is Spinal Tap... that kind of thing. I probably should not go any further without mentioning the middle two Monty Python films, from which I've spent about a decade trying to memorise all the quotes... and still end up mangling them to a hideous distortion of what they're supposed to be. And having seen Borat and come close to an aneurysm with laughing so much I am dribbling at the prospect of Brüno's eventual release.
12) What is/are your favourite TV show(s)?: Scrapheap Challenge is the only one that's still a going concern, though there are reports that the next series will be the last... perkele. Still, that will at least provide a cutoff point beyond which I will try to memorise no more teams, team mebers or challenges - yes, I can tell you which series which challenge was in, and most likely the teams, and who won. The departed twosome of Blackadder and Red Dwarf, on the other hand, are not just TV shows, they are codes for life. There is always a Blackadder quote to fit any situation; even if it takes until the situation has passed to find it. Look what I did to the lj-cut line if you want any further proof. And let's not forget many an enjoyable hour during my younger days that were spent watching Knightmare.
13) Favorite pastime(s)/hobbies?: These are few and far between as I spend far too much time sitting in front of this bastard computer. Keeping that bunch of herberts on metal_community in order is where most of it goes. Several of them are in here, and I assume they would like to support their mod. I'm also not averse to finding motor racing circuits on Google Maps. Especially the street circuits which are still visible with the multimap-style layout. Beer festivals are also a favourite of mine, which should be explained further in the answer I've given below.
14) What is/are your favourite food(s)?: That reindeer steak I had in Oslo (see answer 9) was fit for Odin and the Einherjer, and would make a pleasant change from roast wild boar every night. That said, anything that used to be moving and now isn't, and is grilled to perfection, will usually keep me satisfied. Though I draw the line at worms. Fear Factor, this is not. And let's not forget that it should be washed down with a pint of real ale. I am a member of and proud supporter of CAMRA. More prized dork points here, I think. At least it would be if any of the rest of you were from my side of the pond, which you all appear not to be.
15) If you were an animal, what would you be, and why? A troll. So have some people said. If you ask several people in Iceland, they will tell you without a hint of doubt that trolls really do exist. They may have a point. How else do you explain the disappearance of an entire herd of goats just outside Ólafsfjörður in 1964?
//Time To Win Our Hearts//
16) Quick! Make a wish! (Even though it may not come true if you tell us): This is about as quick as I can make it. To a solution of AwiCl (50 mmol) and TBAHSO4 (0.5 mmol) in dichloromethane (100 ml), at 0 °C under argon, was added a solution of sodium hydrosulfide (55 mmol) in water (100 ml). The mixture was stirred for 17 hours. The organic layer was washed with 2.0 M HCl (2 × 100 ml), dried (MgSO4) and concentrated under vacuum. Silica chromatography (3:1 hexane-ether) yielded the product AwiSH as a colourless oil (38 mmol, 76%). A small amount (5 mmol) of the byproduct Awi2S was also recovered.
17) Make us laugh (joke/story/anything): If the answer to the previous question raised a smile, then you might just have a PhD in organic chemistry. See, if you thought I was lying about the doctorate, then that should have put you straight. Now, for those of you who aren't highly qualified organic chemists, here's a proper joke. An explorer sails to a remote island in the Pacific to meet the indigenous people, and on arrival he finds that not only can they speak an English-based creole (somehow), there is also a constant stream of drums. All day. He meets the island chief, and asks him about the drums. "Drums must never stop," says the chief. "Very bad if drums stop." He cannot elaborate further. The explorer lives with the island people, observing their customs, taking as many notes as possible, but is constantly put off from his work - and from getting any sleep - by the sound of the drums. One afternoon about three weeks into his stay, though, the drums stop. Almost immediately, everyone around him stops what they are doing, and run around screaming in a hysterical panic. Even the chief loses all semblance of self-control. The explorer accosts him in the ensuing chaos. "What is going on?" he asks the chief. "What is so bad about the drums stopping? What happens now?" And the chief looks at him, the way a turkey looks at Bernard Matthews, and howls, "BASS SOLO!"
18) Tell us something very interesting about yourself: I was once in a band called Fire And Forget, attempted to play a bass solo, and failed miserably, though playing with the aid of a Newcastle Brown bottle came in handy. I played the bassoon for all of my secondary school days and arranged Scott Joplin's Easy Winners for three bassoons. I am fluent in obscenities in a wide variety of European languages. I can program, but only on a ZX Spectrum and its even more primitive predecessors. I've had my picture printed in the Royal Society Of Chemistry's newsletter. My head is full of more useless knowledge than any of you have any concept of, and still there is room for a full PhD thesis.
19) Do you have any special powers? (If not, what special powers would you like to have?): I have the power to understand what I was talking about in answer 16, which is a super enough power for anyone. In day-to-day life, however, invincibility, superhuman strength and telekinesis might well be useful. And hex-vision. Don't forget that.
20) Define the word wiggle: Wiggle [n.] A miniature woggle, designed to hold up the scarves of Dwarf Scouts. (You didn't think I was going to look in a dictionary, did you?)
21) Quick! Pirates or ninjas?!: Vikings. Neither pirate nor ninja will be able to resist the legendary Wrath Of The Norsemen.
22) Why do you want to join, and what will you bring here: (1) It appears to be a haven for randomness on an Eddie Izzard level, which I'm more than capable of generating an endless stream of; (2) no community should be without its resident cynic; (3) I'm older than the hills and bring in valuable life experience. Think of me as a potential agony uncle. Just don't be surprised if my answers are brutally honest and not what you were expecting to hear. Cosmo this isn't!
23) Who is/are the most heavenly and/or dorky person/people in here and why? (You must pick at least one, even if you don't know anyone): tinaviel fits both definitions, as she has hair twelve feet long and can recite entire Icelandic sagas in her sleep, while simultaneously translating them into Russian. Холодильник!
24) What is the story behind your username?: Iron Lord was the last track I ever rehearsed with Fire & Forget. Use the link in answer 18 and it might conceivably be available for all to hear. I liked that verse riff and decided it should live on.
25) Post 3-5 pictures of random things (not of yourself, friends, or family) that you think will interest us. Don't explain why you picked them. Keep us wondering.
ONE:
TWO:
THREE:
FOUR:
FIVE:
NOTE: two of these were absolutely deliberate!
//Word Association//
Of course, what you meant to say was, at about six words a second: "Mallett's Mallet is a word association game, you mustn't pause or hesitate or you get a bash on the head like this: *squeak-squeak-bonk-chinggg* Or like this: *squeak-squeak-bonk-chinggg* The one with the most bruises loses! You first word is..."
26) Kiwi: Scott Styris.
27) Fluffy: were better than Tampasm, but that's like choosing which leg you want to have gangrene in.
28) Bubbles: Michael Jackson's sex toy.
29) Dandy: was better than the Beano... just.
30) Teapot: redundant! Just make your tea in a mug, Odindammit.
31) Lavender: steam distillation.
//Think, think think... (Opinions)//
How do you feel about (put some thought into it!)...:
32) Extra-terrestrials: It's a question of probability, nothing else; we are on a planet orbiting a star which is just one of billions in our galaxy, which is in turn one of billions of galaxies in the universe... actually, who says there's just one universe? What it boils down to is this; the probability of there being other life out there somewhere is infinitesimally close to 1: the probability that we will ever make contact with extra-terrestrial life is infinitesimally close to 0. Now, aren't you glad I can reduce everything to mathematics even better than Johnny Ball can. And I did it without jumping up and down on a trampoline.
33) Sushi: It never fails to astound me (1) how many people confuse sushi with sashimi, and (2) why so many people are revulsed by the idea of sashimi. Raw fish, after all, isn't so different from smoked salmon... just without the smoke. Mix it up with a bit of rice, and we have a winner. I draw the line at that black seaweed-wrapping that some of it comes in, though.
34) Barbie and/or G.I.Joe: Barbie is useful in that this is a generic term for those vapid (and usually blonde, not necessarily by nature) girls that are obsessed with hair products, all things pink, and are incapable of stringing a sentence together - and when they attempt it, it is liberally doused with "like, y'know, whatever, and stuff." Hate, kill, burn. G.I. Joe, on the other hand, has no use except to be a miniature and inferior version of Action Man, who was far better with his fuzzy head that acted like a van de Graaff generator in the wrong hands.
35) Pudding: According to Debrett's Book of Modern (are they serious?) Manners - or whatever it was called, this is the correct term for what follows the main course. And not "dessert". What have they been smoking? In my book, "pudding" has to be something stodgy like spotted dick (stop that laughing at the back) or what you get served after your turkey on December 25th. It could also be a main course (see steak & kidney pudding, such as the ones I have in my freezer). This fact has been brought to you by an ex-colleague of mine. Imagine him trying to explain it in his overly camp Edinburgh accent.
//Answer Some, All, or None (Optional)//
a) What are your favourite video games?: I thought the Rick Dangerous games were so great I made a website about them - and before you all ask, I do still update it, despite what the date may say. Others to consider were Wizball (a work of true genius once you get used to it - and its sequel, Wizkid, isn't half bad either), most of the Dizzy games (preferably on the Spectrum), Doom, Duke Nukem 3D and any variants based on those two engines - Hexen being the best of the lot. I don't bother with 2000s-era games.
b) What celebrity do you think is a true dork?: Absolutely, unquestionably, Angus Loughran. This became obvious once he moved on from playing Statto on Fantasy Football League to become a gambling pundit on the BBC's horse racing coverage, amongst others, and proved that he really was Statto in real life.
c) Which Harry Potter book is your favorite?: So this is what it's come down to? I get through all this and face a question that's probably going to see me turned down on the spot. I have never read any Harry Potter books, nor do I ever intend to, and I don't see why I should. I might - just - take a look at one of the films, but only because Ed Tudor-Pole's in one of them, and there's probably a clip of his appearance on YouTube anyway.
d) If you were to attend Hogwarts, what house do you think you would be in? Why?: The doghouse? Well, where else am I going to go?
e) How do you feel about fanfiction?: Rule number 34 of the internet: if it exists, there is porn about it. And let's face it, this is what most fanfic is going to boil down to. I don't read it, I have no interest in it whatsoever, even for the personal obsessions that are Red Dwarf, Blackadder, etc. Though Maranello: The Formula One Soap Opera was a good read while it lasted. And there is still some argument that I'm a fanfic writer myself... I don't call myself that and never will, I've just had a stab or ten at creative writing.
f) Do you prefer the Lord of the Rings books or the films?: Yet again I stand to be ejected on the spot. Part of me really, really wants to be a Tolkien geek (parallel this with the Pratchett comment in answer 8) but I am prevented from this because I do not read novels, particularly the huge tomes that constitute LOTR. However, my then-girlfriend who is a Tolkien geek persuaded me to watch the first LOTR film round about the time the third was released, I gave it a shot, and found that it really had been worth the hype, to the point where I watched all three extended editions and officially joined the list of people who want to see Peter Jackson have a crack at The Hobbit. Ridicule me if you must - and I suspect that most of you will - but I'm always going to vote for the films. Besides, that way I don't have to deal with Tom "La la la la la, welcome to my Forest Of Faggotry" Bombadil.
g) Which pokémon is your favorite?: Hate. Hate hate hate hate hate hate HATE. I hold Pokémon personally responsible for turning our once great nation's kids into retarded automatons. Back in my day we had proper kids' TV like Knightmare and Beat The Teacher, grumble grumble moan...
h) What are your computer specs?: AMD Athlon, 1 GHz; 512 MB RAM; 30+30+250 GB hard drives (first two internal, third USB, added much later); various bits and pieces added into the back of the machine as time has gone on. Back in 2000 this was a damn-near unbeatable spec, though now it is nearing its 8th birthday, and is suffering from senile dementia given that it's also coming up to the fifth anniversary of its last complete reinstall. It is and always has been known as Raamses Nibblick III Kerplunk Kerplunk Whoops! Where's My Thribble. This was a PC I had built by a great mate of mine, who would also be a great HD member except he has no livejournal. He has a doctorate, and his hobbies include building PCs, salsa dancing and playing the harmonica, and he's married to a 747 pilot. Geek overload and then some. I should have a word with him again about getting a blistering 2008-spec machine, with which I intend to move into the murky waters of Linux, and not just for the precious dork points.
i) If you were a secret agent, what would be your first mission? To infiltrate the scam that is Scientology and blow every last one of their secrets wide open. That'll teach them.
j) If you could have a truckload of something, what would it be?: A truckload of 500 euro notes would be more useful than any other object. Never mind the slight inconvenience of having to drive the truck to Monaco to open a tax-haven bank account so I could pay them all in... once that's done, I could do all manner of stupidly expensive things such as moving to a huge mansion and turning my current house into a giant fish tank. And building a Scalextric replica of Le Mans in the main banqueting hall. And another of Suzuka in the master bedroom. And the original Nürburgring round the gardens.
k) Assuming you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go? It is a large lump of volcanic rock, a piece of the Mid-Atlantic Ridge that has conveniently poked itself above sea level. It is populated by people with a reputation for lunacy. It is Iceland. And I'm going there in 2009 for a big celebration of completing three decades on the planet.
l) What is your favorite constellation? I hear Pegasus is a good one.
m) Has anyone ever said something to you that really stuck with you as a life lesson? If so, what was that lesson? "Improvise, adapt and overcome, and when all else fails, hit it with a big hammer." - "Bowser" Munsen, Scrapheap Challenge series 3, 2000. Dork points coming up: Bowser's team was The Filth, and they lost to The Beach Boys in a competition to build a human-powered rugby ball launcher.
n) Come up with a question that you think we should add to the application and answer it. (If we add it, your team gets 2 points): What would make a better day's entertainment: International Belt Sander Drag Racing, or International Dwarf Tossing? And the answer: International Belt Sander Drag Racing. Not only do more people bet on it, but there's also a thriving belt sander modification scene, and no doubt Monster Belt Sanders will follow once the Texans get their hands on it.
o) Promote us to a friend or community and post the link here: Consider this slid into metal_community. Right here.
(*Required) - Please post at least 4 pictures of yourself (unphotoshopped). (No Nudity!) Have at least 1 funny picture!
So, it's a funny one you want, is it? Ja katso...
These are rather large, so clicking on them will reveal them in their full glory. You do this at your own risk.
At the Vikingskipshuset in Oslo, April 2006:
Another view from Norway, in the Liane Gård guesthouse: (more pictures of this great place in the link)
My personal favourite, from Wacken 2005...
At the International metal_community Meetup at Wacken this year:
One from the Fire & Forget days - just in case you didn't believe me! Live at the Man On The Moon, Cambridge, February 2002.
So, there you have it - an application that took approximately three hours to complete, and which continued until so late in the day (to the point where it was tomorrow) that slept through my alarm and was late for work. This was followed a week later by two hours of revision and tweaking to a second draft. And then another hour of revisions before I posted it. And even with all this, whether I have reached the required level of dorkness is probably still open to debate, though the Formula One part of question 8 should have sealed it, as should the doctorate - believe me, I will win crushingly if there's a competition involving organic reaction mechanisms. Unless, of course, this is completely the wrong kind of dorkitude and you were actually looking for another squealing Harry Potter fan all along, in which case, you should have said in the first place before I spent all this time on the application. Certainly not sure about the "heavenly" bit, though. Maybe if there was a separate section for... is there even an adjective derived from "Valhalla"? If so, consider me interested.
FINAL POINT: will one of you tell me what the bastard balls DDR is and what makes you all hate it so much? The only meaning I've ever known for this acronym is Deutsche Demokratische Republik, and although that might inspire disdain especially from those who were forced to live under the watchful eye of the Stasi, it hasn't existed since 1990.
//Boring Stuff//
01) (Real) Name: Dr. James Robert Waterman. The first bit of that is the most important.
02) Nickname(s): Those who would try and assign one would be struck down with unstoppable force.
03) Birthday & age: Twenty seven seven seventy nine. Twenty eight.
04) Where do you live?: 52° 56' N, 1° 11' W.
05) Who sent you here/how did you find us?: Random clicking on other people's profiles. Such as joansies'. In truth I've known about this place for a while but figured I didn't fit the definition of a "dork". Or "heavenly", for that matter. In fact, the descriptions of what I'm expected to look like (Cute? Sexy? Lovable - are you serious?) are still filling me with cold dread. But read on, just in case I've been much mistaken.
06) What is your favourite colour? Blue. No - yellAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!
//A Little More Interesting//
07) What kind of music do you like?: I would be lying if I said I was anything other than a full-time metalhead, to the point that I will willingly travel all over Europe, at great personal expense if necessary (see last year's trip to Norway and the upcoming Ultima Ratio solo road trip) to see the bands I want to see, because in several notable cases there's bugger all chance of them ever playing over here. There's the odd bit here and there of non-metal silliness (think Weird Al Yankovic, The Wurzels, that kind of thing) but that's for those rare occasions when it's appropriate. For those still in doubt as to what I mean, take a butcher's at my last.fm page; I even took the time once to compile a list of my actual all-time top 20 favourite tracks, which was a much bigger job than it looks there.
08) What is/are your favourite book(s)?: For a cracking good read, you can't beat Organic Chemistry (Warren, Wothers, Clayden, Greeves) and Spectroscopic Methods In Organic Chemistry (Williams & Fleming). At least you can't if you're in my line of work. Yes, I do read chemistry textbooks for fun... and research papers, if I'm really punishing myself. I would recommend The Organosulfur Chemistry of the Genus Allium - Implications for the Organic Chemistry of Sulfur (E. Block, Angewandte Chemie International Edition in English, 1992, 31, 1135-1178) - but you'll not be able to get hold of that outside a university library. I also keep a stash of Jeremy Clarkson's rants to hand (e.g. Motorworld, Born To Be Riled) to hand for a quick pick-up-and-read when I'm sitting on the khazi. Another book I keep on going back to is The Great Encyclopedia Of Formula One, which cost me 75 quid, was a first edition and was exceptionally badly proof-read (if, indeed, it was proof-read at all - a blind chimpanzee could have done a better job) but is a thoroughly comprehensive history of the first fifty years of Formula One, something I tend to obsess over to the point of knowing who was driving for what team and what their number was for every race from 1990 to the present. I have also missed a grand total of two races since first picking it up 17 years ago. At this point you're all no doubt in screaming apoplexy that I haven't mentioned any novels. Hard luck; I have never, ever found reading novels anything other than a chore to be endured rather than enjoyed. Blame school for that. I last touched a novel for pleasure when I was 13, and that's when some of you were still shitting in a nappy. Though I did spend some time reading various Wikipedia pages about the Discworld novels; I will admit I find the concepts fascinating, and which could very well make interesting reading. There is some appeal in the extreme geekness of it all and I'm still impressed to this day that someone went on Mastermind and answered questions about every last detail of Discworld spread over all the novels that had been written at the time. But the chances I'm ever going to get round to the first, let alone all 36, are very low.
09) Tell us a story...: What I would write would undoubtedly not fit in here, given that it was knocking on the door of the maximum length of an LJ post. Instead, I'm going to link to it, and let's call it Sagas Of Norway: The Complete Collectors' Edition. Yes, it is a festival review of sorts, but I never just write reviews, I will dive firmly into the background behind it, including what I had for dinner each day and other such details that could only be of interest if you were there. And if you're me. Which I am. Read it anyway, although if you are like hell_ben_t and it takes three days to get through, don't say I didn't warn you.
10) What magazines do you read? (If you don't read any, make one up): I'm a subscriber to Auto Express; I'll still occasionally have a flick through Terrorizer, but I'll not prioritise it.
11) What is/are your favourite film(s)?: Truth is, I spend almost no time at all watching films, to the point where I really struggle to compile an all-time top ten. Most were forgotten about within half an hour of them ending. But as a general rule, I'll go for anything rock-related. Still Crazy, Airheads, This Is Spinal Tap... that kind of thing. I probably should not go any further without mentioning the middle two Monty Python films, from which I've spent about a decade trying to memorise all the quotes... and still end up mangling them to a hideous distortion of what they're supposed to be. And having seen Borat and come close to an aneurysm with laughing so much I am dribbling at the prospect of Brüno's eventual release.
12) What is/are your favourite TV show(s)?: Scrapheap Challenge is the only one that's still a going concern, though there are reports that the next series will be the last... perkele. Still, that will at least provide a cutoff point beyond which I will try to memorise no more teams, team mebers or challenges - yes, I can tell you which series which challenge was in, and most likely the teams, and who won. The departed twosome of Blackadder and Red Dwarf, on the other hand, are not just TV shows, they are codes for life. There is always a Blackadder quote to fit any situation; even if it takes until the situation has passed to find it. Look what I did to the lj-cut line if you want any further proof. And let's not forget many an enjoyable hour during my younger days that were spent watching Knightmare.
13) Favorite pastime(s)/hobbies?: These are few and far between as I spend far too much time sitting in front of this bastard computer. Keeping that bunch of herberts on metal_community in order is where most of it goes. Several of them are in here, and I assume they would like to support their mod. I'm also not averse to finding motor racing circuits on Google Maps. Especially the street circuits which are still visible with the multimap-style layout. Beer festivals are also a favourite of mine, which should be explained further in the answer I've given below.
14) What is/are your favourite food(s)?: That reindeer steak I had in Oslo (see answer 9) was fit for Odin and the Einherjer, and would make a pleasant change from roast wild boar every night. That said, anything that used to be moving and now isn't, and is grilled to perfection, will usually keep me satisfied. Though I draw the line at worms. Fear Factor, this is not. And let's not forget that it should be washed down with a pint of real ale. I am a member of and proud supporter of CAMRA. More prized dork points here, I think. At least it would be if any of the rest of you were from my side of the pond, which you all appear not to be.
15) If you were an animal, what would you be, and why? A troll. So have some people said. If you ask several people in Iceland, they will tell you without a hint of doubt that trolls really do exist. They may have a point. How else do you explain the disappearance of an entire herd of goats just outside Ólafsfjörður in 1964?
//Time To Win Our Hearts//
16) Quick! Make a wish! (Even though it may not come true if you tell us): This is about as quick as I can make it. To a solution of AwiCl (50 mmol) and TBAHSO4 (0.5 mmol) in dichloromethane (100 ml), at 0 °C under argon, was added a solution of sodium hydrosulfide (55 mmol) in water (100 ml). The mixture was stirred for 17 hours. The organic layer was washed with 2.0 M HCl (2 × 100 ml), dried (MgSO4) and concentrated under vacuum. Silica chromatography (3:1 hexane-ether) yielded the product AwiSH as a colourless oil (38 mmol, 76%). A small amount (5 mmol) of the byproduct Awi2S was also recovered.
17) Make us laugh (joke/story/anything): If the answer to the previous question raised a smile, then you might just have a PhD in organic chemistry. See, if you thought I was lying about the doctorate, then that should have put you straight. Now, for those of you who aren't highly qualified organic chemists, here's a proper joke. An explorer sails to a remote island in the Pacific to meet the indigenous people, and on arrival he finds that not only can they speak an English-based creole (somehow), there is also a constant stream of drums. All day. He meets the island chief, and asks him about the drums. "Drums must never stop," says the chief. "Very bad if drums stop." He cannot elaborate further. The explorer lives with the island people, observing their customs, taking as many notes as possible, but is constantly put off from his work - and from getting any sleep - by the sound of the drums. One afternoon about three weeks into his stay, though, the drums stop. Almost immediately, everyone around him stops what they are doing, and run around screaming in a hysterical panic. Even the chief loses all semblance of self-control. The explorer accosts him in the ensuing chaos. "What is going on?" he asks the chief. "What is so bad about the drums stopping? What happens now?" And the chief looks at him, the way a turkey looks at Bernard Matthews, and howls, "BASS SOLO!"
18) Tell us something very interesting about yourself: I was once in a band called Fire And Forget, attempted to play a bass solo, and failed miserably, though playing with the aid of a Newcastle Brown bottle came in handy. I played the bassoon for all of my secondary school days and arranged Scott Joplin's Easy Winners for three bassoons. I am fluent in obscenities in a wide variety of European languages. I can program, but only on a ZX Spectrum and its even more primitive predecessors. I've had my picture printed in the Royal Society Of Chemistry's newsletter. My head is full of more useless knowledge than any of you have any concept of, and still there is room for a full PhD thesis.
19) Do you have any special powers? (If not, what special powers would you like to have?): I have the power to understand what I was talking about in answer 16, which is a super enough power for anyone. In day-to-day life, however, invincibility, superhuman strength and telekinesis might well be useful. And hex-vision. Don't forget that.
20) Define the word wiggle: Wiggle [n.] A miniature woggle, designed to hold up the scarves of Dwarf Scouts. (You didn't think I was going to look in a dictionary, did you?)
21) Quick! Pirates or ninjas?!: Vikings. Neither pirate nor ninja will be able to resist the legendary Wrath Of The Norsemen.
22) Why do you want to join, and what will you bring here: (1) It appears to be a haven for randomness on an Eddie Izzard level, which I'm more than capable of generating an endless stream of; (2) no community should be without its resident cynic; (3) I'm older than the hills and bring in valuable life experience. Think of me as a potential agony uncle. Just don't be surprised if my answers are brutally honest and not what you were expecting to hear. Cosmo this isn't!
23) Who is/are the most heavenly and/or dorky person/people in here and why? (You must pick at least one, even if you don't know anyone): tinaviel fits both definitions, as she has hair twelve feet long and can recite entire Icelandic sagas in her sleep, while simultaneously translating them into Russian. Холодильник!
24) What is the story behind your username?: Iron Lord was the last track I ever rehearsed with Fire & Forget. Use the link in answer 18 and it might conceivably be available for all to hear. I liked that verse riff and decided it should live on.
25) Post 3-5 pictures of random things (not of yourself, friends, or family) that you think will interest us. Don't explain why you picked them. Keep us wondering.
ONE:
TWO:
THREE:
FOUR:
FIVE:
NOTE: two of these were absolutely deliberate!
//Word Association//
Of course, what you meant to say was, at about six words a second: "Mallett's Mallet is a word association game, you mustn't pause or hesitate or you get a bash on the head like this: *squeak-squeak-bonk-chinggg* Or like this: *squeak-squeak-bonk-chinggg* The one with the most bruises loses! You first word is..."
26) Kiwi: Scott Styris.
27) Fluffy: were better than Tampasm, but that's like choosing which leg you want to have gangrene in.
28) Bubbles: Michael Jackson's sex toy.
29) Dandy: was better than the Beano... just.
30) Teapot: redundant! Just make your tea in a mug, Odindammit.
31) Lavender: steam distillation.
//Think, think think... (Opinions)//
How do you feel about (put some thought into it!)...:
32) Extra-terrestrials: It's a question of probability, nothing else; we are on a planet orbiting a star which is just one of billions in our galaxy, which is in turn one of billions of galaxies in the universe... actually, who says there's just one universe? What it boils down to is this; the probability of there being other life out there somewhere is infinitesimally close to 1: the probability that we will ever make contact with extra-terrestrial life is infinitesimally close to 0. Now, aren't you glad I can reduce everything to mathematics even better than Johnny Ball can. And I did it without jumping up and down on a trampoline.
33) Sushi: It never fails to astound me (1) how many people confuse sushi with sashimi, and (2) why so many people are revulsed by the idea of sashimi. Raw fish, after all, isn't so different from smoked salmon... just without the smoke. Mix it up with a bit of rice, and we have a winner. I draw the line at that black seaweed-wrapping that some of it comes in, though.
34) Barbie and/or G.I.Joe: Barbie is useful in that this is a generic term for those vapid (and usually blonde, not necessarily by nature) girls that are obsessed with hair products, all things pink, and are incapable of stringing a sentence together - and when they attempt it, it is liberally doused with "like, y'know, whatever, and stuff." Hate, kill, burn. G.I. Joe, on the other hand, has no use except to be a miniature and inferior version of Action Man, who was far better with his fuzzy head that acted like a van de Graaff generator in the wrong hands.
35) Pudding: According to Debrett's Book of Modern (are they serious?) Manners - or whatever it was called, this is the correct term for what follows the main course. And not "dessert". What have they been smoking? In my book, "pudding" has to be something stodgy like spotted dick (stop that laughing at the back) or what you get served after your turkey on December 25th. It could also be a main course (see steak & kidney pudding, such as the ones I have in my freezer). This fact has been brought to you by an ex-colleague of mine. Imagine him trying to explain it in his overly camp Edinburgh accent.
//Answer Some, All, or None (Optional)//
a) What are your favourite video games?: I thought the Rick Dangerous games were so great I made a website about them - and before you all ask, I do still update it, despite what the date may say. Others to consider were Wizball (a work of true genius once you get used to it - and its sequel, Wizkid, isn't half bad either), most of the Dizzy games (preferably on the Spectrum), Doom, Duke Nukem 3D and any variants based on those two engines - Hexen being the best of the lot. I don't bother with 2000s-era games.
b) What celebrity do you think is a true dork?: Absolutely, unquestionably, Angus Loughran. This became obvious once he moved on from playing Statto on Fantasy Football League to become a gambling pundit on the BBC's horse racing coverage, amongst others, and proved that he really was Statto in real life.
c) Which Harry Potter book is your favorite?: So this is what it's come down to? I get through all this and face a question that's probably going to see me turned down on the spot. I have never read any Harry Potter books, nor do I ever intend to, and I don't see why I should. I might - just - take a look at one of the films, but only because Ed Tudor-Pole's in one of them, and there's probably a clip of his appearance on YouTube anyway.
d) If you were to attend Hogwarts, what house do you think you would be in? Why?: The doghouse? Well, where else am I going to go?
e) How do you feel about fanfiction?: Rule number 34 of the internet: if it exists, there is porn about it. And let's face it, this is what most fanfic is going to boil down to. I don't read it, I have no interest in it whatsoever, even for the personal obsessions that are Red Dwarf, Blackadder, etc. Though Maranello: The Formula One Soap Opera was a good read while it lasted. And there is still some argument that I'm a fanfic writer myself... I don't call myself that and never will, I've just had a stab or ten at creative writing.
f) Do you prefer the Lord of the Rings books or the films?: Yet again I stand to be ejected on the spot. Part of me really, really wants to be a Tolkien geek (parallel this with the Pratchett comment in answer 8) but I am prevented from this because I do not read novels, particularly the huge tomes that constitute LOTR. However, my then-girlfriend who is a Tolkien geek persuaded me to watch the first LOTR film round about the time the third was released, I gave it a shot, and found that it really had been worth the hype, to the point where I watched all three extended editions and officially joined the list of people who want to see Peter Jackson have a crack at The Hobbit. Ridicule me if you must - and I suspect that most of you will - but I'm always going to vote for the films. Besides, that way I don't have to deal with Tom "La la la la la, welcome to my Forest Of Faggotry" Bombadil.
g) Which pokémon is your favorite?: Hate. Hate hate hate hate hate hate HATE. I hold Pokémon personally responsible for turning our once great nation's kids into retarded automatons. Back in my day we had proper kids' TV like Knightmare and Beat The Teacher, grumble grumble moan...
h) What are your computer specs?: AMD Athlon, 1 GHz; 512 MB RAM; 30+30+250 GB hard drives (first two internal, third USB, added much later); various bits and pieces added into the back of the machine as time has gone on. Back in 2000 this was a damn-near unbeatable spec, though now it is nearing its 8th birthday, and is suffering from senile dementia given that it's also coming up to the fifth anniversary of its last complete reinstall. It is and always has been known as Raamses Nibblick III Kerplunk Kerplunk Whoops! Where's My Thribble. This was a PC I had built by a great mate of mine, who would also be a great HD member except he has no livejournal. He has a doctorate, and his hobbies include building PCs, salsa dancing and playing the harmonica, and he's married to a 747 pilot. Geek overload and then some. I should have a word with him again about getting a blistering 2008-spec machine, with which I intend to move into the murky waters of Linux, and not just for the precious dork points.
i) If you were a secret agent, what would be your first mission? To infiltrate the scam that is Scientology and blow every last one of their secrets wide open. That'll teach them.
j) If you could have a truckload of something, what would it be?: A truckload of 500 euro notes would be more useful than any other object. Never mind the slight inconvenience of having to drive the truck to Monaco to open a tax-haven bank account so I could pay them all in... once that's done, I could do all manner of stupidly expensive things such as moving to a huge mansion and turning my current house into a giant fish tank. And building a Scalextric replica of Le Mans in the main banqueting hall. And another of Suzuka in the master bedroom. And the original Nürburgring round the gardens.
k) Assuming you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go? It is a large lump of volcanic rock, a piece of the Mid-Atlantic Ridge that has conveniently poked itself above sea level. It is populated by people with a reputation for lunacy. It is Iceland. And I'm going there in 2009 for a big celebration of completing three decades on the planet.
l) What is your favorite constellation? I hear Pegasus is a good one.
m) Has anyone ever said something to you that really stuck with you as a life lesson? If so, what was that lesson? "Improvise, adapt and overcome, and when all else fails, hit it with a big hammer." - "Bowser" Munsen, Scrapheap Challenge series 3, 2000. Dork points coming up: Bowser's team was The Filth, and they lost to The Beach Boys in a competition to build a human-powered rugby ball launcher.
n) Come up with a question that you think we should add to the application and answer it. (If we add it, your team gets 2 points): What would make a better day's entertainment: International Belt Sander Drag Racing, or International Dwarf Tossing? And the answer: International Belt Sander Drag Racing. Not only do more people bet on it, but there's also a thriving belt sander modification scene, and no doubt Monster Belt Sanders will follow once the Texans get their hands on it.
o) Promote us to a friend or community and post the link here: Consider this slid into metal_community. Right here.
(*Required) - Please post at least 4 pictures of yourself (unphotoshopped). (No Nudity!) Have at least 1 funny picture!
So, it's a funny one you want, is it? Ja katso...
These are rather large, so clicking on them will reveal them in their full glory. You do this at your own risk.
At the Vikingskipshuset in Oslo, April 2006:
Another view from Norway, in the Liane Gård guesthouse: (more pictures of this great place in the link)
My personal favourite, from Wacken 2005...
At the International metal_community Meetup at Wacken this year:
One from the Fire & Forget days - just in case you didn't believe me! Live at the Man On The Moon, Cambridge, February 2002.
So, there you have it - an application that took approximately three hours to complete, and which continued until so late in the day (to the point where it was tomorrow) that slept through my alarm and was late for work. This was followed a week later by two hours of revision and tweaking to a second draft. And then another hour of revisions before I posted it. And even with all this, whether I have reached the required level of dorkness is probably still open to debate, though the Formula One part of question 8 should have sealed it, as should the doctorate - believe me, I will win crushingly if there's a competition involving organic reaction mechanisms. Unless, of course, this is completely the wrong kind of dorkitude and you were actually looking for another squealing Harry Potter fan all along, in which case, you should have said in the first place before I spent all this time on the application. Certainly not sure about the "heavenly" bit, though. Maybe if there was a separate section for... is there even an adjective derived from "Valhalla"? If so, consider me interested.
FINAL POINT: will one of you tell me what the bastard balls DDR is and what makes you all hate it so much? The only meaning I've ever known for this acronym is Deutsche Demokratische Republik, and although that might inspire disdain especially from those who were forced to live under the watchful eye of the Stasi, it hasn't existed since 1990.