Heart of Your Soul Chapter 1
Title: Καρδιά της ψυχής σας - Heart of Your Soul
Chapter 1: In Which things are really messed up
Author: Heavenreturned
Pairing: Castiel/Dean/Gabriel eventually
Rating: Current Chapters PG
Summary: Dean used to dream of angels and having wings. Now he’s an adult with the threat of Armageddon looming over his head, and he’s about to find out the dreams weren’t as made up as he used to believe. It’s going to change not just his life, but the existence of two others.
Notes: Cas is OOC this chapter, it’s done on purpose and there is a reason for it….we (well the readers) just don’t know why yet.
Thank you to darkamber for the lovely beta job again.
**^^**^***^
He used to dream of wings. It had been years since he’d had the last dream but he still remembered them in great vivid detail. He supposed it’s part of where his fear of flying in planes came from, it was so unnatural compared to what he had had before.
If he closed his eyes he could almost feel the wind in his feathers, he could almost feel the brush of his wing tips against his calves as he ran. And he remembered the colors of his wings. They were beautiful. Starting at the top in almost a royal blue and fading darker as your eye traveled down. Finally settling into a blue so dark it was almost black.
He was about six when the dreams had started and he would be flying. He was never alone -- that was something that had made the memories of the dreams stay in his head -- he’s felt wanted and treasured for the first time.
He’d dreamed about his wings and his friend, for something, someone. was with him. They’d tenderly stroked his hair and given him hugs. And felt almost…. Big brother. And it was nice, because while he loved his father, John wasn’t one for casual and loving touches. It was nice for someone to be taking care of him for a while. There had also sometimes seemed to be a bright personality just beyond his reach,
He was brought back to the present by the flutter of wings, and glanced up at Castiel. Sighing, he rolled over and propped himself up on his elbows. He stared at the angel for a moment. Sometimes if he stared at Castiel long enough he could almost see… well, he wasn’t sure exactly what he could see, but some kind of light?
“Cas? We’re friends right? Kind of?” he asked softly. He wasn’t often unsure but with this angel he was; he truly had no idea where he stood with the heavenly being most of the time.
“I am quite fond of you, yes,” the angel said, and Dean hid a smile at the tilted head and expression of befuddlement on his angels face. Hearing Sam snicker he glanced at his brother who was typing away on his laptop.
“I think I used to dream about an angel,” he said softly, but as both Castiel and Sam’s faces whipped around to him, he knew he was heard loud and clear. The angel’s face had taken on a rather pinched look, but his eyes looked interested.
He sat up and tried to explain to them, “It started about two years after she died… so I was about six. When they first started it was white and there was something with me. But it didn’t want to hurt me, just it seemed happy to meet me? He told me stories about…. Well, about his brothers and sisters. He liked to talk to me about the Angel of Thursday and God‘s Messenger.” Dean paused and frowned at Cas who seemed to jerk in shock and Sam who seemed to be hiding a smile. “He never mentioned anyone by name. But he was nice, and he hugged me. And I ‘saw’ him a few times.”
Dean knew this last piece of information would shock both his listeners, and he was correct. He looked down and ran a finger along the edge of the faded comforter he was sitting on.
“What did… he… look like?” Castiel’s voice held an odd quality to it and Dean wasn’t sure how to take it so he ignored it.
Eyebrows drawn together Dean tried to put it into words, and was finding it extremely hard.
“It was like looking into the sun, so bright that it…it didn’t hurt but it itched. And it was warm, like it wrapped around you and made you happy. He had all the colors I could ever imagine inside of him too.”
Dean frowned, he was starting to sound more like a chick flick every moment, but he felt he needed to tell Castiel these things. He glanced up at the angel and then at his brother.
“There is more you do not know how to say?” Castiel’s voice was gravelly and sent a shiver down his spine.
“I had wings….” Dean glanced down when Sam snorted. “They weren’t white but were dark. A royal blue on the tops that faded down into a deep twilight. And he, the angel, taught me how to fly. It was -”
“An Abomination!” Cas’s gravelly voice cut him off harshly, “Human kind isn’t worthy of our wings. Isn’t worthy to fly! Especially you Dean Winchester who doesn’t even have the slightest bit of faith! You who started the apocalypse.”
Dean started at the angel in shock, feeling like he’d been punched. Castiel’s hands were balled into fists and his eyes were angry. There was something else in his eyes, but Dean had no idea what it was.
“Cas?”
“You who could not even hear my voice and hid from me. You do not deserve to fly with us.” And he was gone.
Dean stared at the spot in horror, that had been a little more then the reaction he was expecting. But for his angel to call him an abomination, his heart sank. He should have known…. He shouldn’t have let the angel convince him he was worth anything in the first place.
He vaguely wondered if he was in shock as the bed sank down and Sammy’s arms came around him. So the angel finally realized what Dean had been telling him the whole time. He was worthless and he definitely wasn’t worth Castiel losing his grace over. He pressed his face into his brother’s shoulder and realized he was shaking.
They were on their own again, and this time everything seemed so pointless. He shouldn’t have opened his big fat mouth, then at least he would still believe the lies Castiel had told him so easily. He wound his arms around his baby brother and held on, Sammy was the only thing left.
“Dean, he didn’t mean it. You know that, Castiel adores you.” Sam quietly tried to reason with his brother. But the damage was done; he’d seen the look on Dean’s face as Castiel ranted. It was like the angel had ripped out what little light and happiness that was left in him and threw it into the dust.
“S’ok Sammy. Been trying to tell Cas from the beginning that I wasn’t worth it. I guess he knows now.” Dean frowned, he felt numb and actually kind of tired. He snuggled into his brother; right now he needed that feeling. Someone touching him and loving him even if he was an abomination.
“Sammy, you still love me right?” He was ashamed to admit his voice sounded tiny and weak.
“Yeah De, I love you for always. You know that,” Sam whispered; Dean was definitely in shock. “Go to sleep De, I’ll watch out for you and make sure everything is ok.” And kick a certain angel’s ass, he added mentally.
***
He snuggled into whoever was holding him, it wasn’t Sammy he knew that. The warmth that wrapped around him so completely was so reminiscent of that from his dreams, but not the same.
He sighed and pouted as the presence started retreating and then the previous days events came back to him. Cas, his angel, had called him an abomination. All warm feelings deserted him and he reached for whoever was with him.
As a hand settled on his forehead he was almost sure he heard the Trickster’s voice whisper to him before he fell asleep again.
Part Two
Chapter 1: In Which things are really messed up
Author: Heavenreturned
Pairing: Castiel/Dean/Gabriel eventually
Rating: Current Chapters PG
Summary: Dean used to dream of angels and having wings. Now he’s an adult with the threat of Armageddon looming over his head, and he’s about to find out the dreams weren’t as made up as he used to believe. It’s going to change not just his life, but the existence of two others.
Notes: Cas is OOC this chapter, it’s done on purpose and there is a reason for it….we (well the readers) just don’t know why yet.
Thank you to darkamber for the lovely beta job again.
**^^**^***^
He used to dream of wings. It had been years since he’d had the last dream but he still remembered them in great vivid detail. He supposed it’s part of where his fear of flying in planes came from, it was so unnatural compared to what he had had before.
If he closed his eyes he could almost feel the wind in his feathers, he could almost feel the brush of his wing tips against his calves as he ran. And he remembered the colors of his wings. They were beautiful. Starting at the top in almost a royal blue and fading darker as your eye traveled down. Finally settling into a blue so dark it was almost black.
He was about six when the dreams had started and he would be flying. He was never alone -- that was something that had made the memories of the dreams stay in his head -- he’s felt wanted and treasured for the first time.
He’d dreamed about his wings and his friend, for something, someone. was with him. They’d tenderly stroked his hair and given him hugs. And felt almost…. Big brother. And it was nice, because while he loved his father, John wasn’t one for casual and loving touches. It was nice for someone to be taking care of him for a while. There had also sometimes seemed to be a bright personality just beyond his reach,
He was brought back to the present by the flutter of wings, and glanced up at Castiel. Sighing, he rolled over and propped himself up on his elbows. He stared at the angel for a moment. Sometimes if he stared at Castiel long enough he could almost see… well, he wasn’t sure exactly what he could see, but some kind of light?
“Cas? We’re friends right? Kind of?” he asked softly. He wasn’t often unsure but with this angel he was; he truly had no idea where he stood with the heavenly being most of the time.
“I am quite fond of you, yes,” the angel said, and Dean hid a smile at the tilted head and expression of befuddlement on his angels face. Hearing Sam snicker he glanced at his brother who was typing away on his laptop.
“I think I used to dream about an angel,” he said softly, but as both Castiel and Sam’s faces whipped around to him, he knew he was heard loud and clear. The angel’s face had taken on a rather pinched look, but his eyes looked interested.
He sat up and tried to explain to them, “It started about two years after she died… so I was about six. When they first started it was white and there was something with me. But it didn’t want to hurt me, just it seemed happy to meet me? He told me stories about…. Well, about his brothers and sisters. He liked to talk to me about the Angel of Thursday and God‘s Messenger.” Dean paused and frowned at Cas who seemed to jerk in shock and Sam who seemed to be hiding a smile. “He never mentioned anyone by name. But he was nice, and he hugged me. And I ‘saw’ him a few times.”
Dean knew this last piece of information would shock both his listeners, and he was correct. He looked down and ran a finger along the edge of the faded comforter he was sitting on.
“What did… he… look like?” Castiel’s voice held an odd quality to it and Dean wasn’t sure how to take it so he ignored it.
Eyebrows drawn together Dean tried to put it into words, and was finding it extremely hard.
“It was like looking into the sun, so bright that it…it didn’t hurt but it itched. And it was warm, like it wrapped around you and made you happy. He had all the colors I could ever imagine inside of him too.”
Dean frowned, he was starting to sound more like a chick flick every moment, but he felt he needed to tell Castiel these things. He glanced up at the angel and then at his brother.
“There is more you do not know how to say?” Castiel’s voice was gravelly and sent a shiver down his spine.
“I had wings….” Dean glanced down when Sam snorted. “They weren’t white but were dark. A royal blue on the tops that faded down into a deep twilight. And he, the angel, taught me how to fly. It was -”
“An Abomination!” Cas’s gravelly voice cut him off harshly, “Human kind isn’t worthy of our wings. Isn’t worthy to fly! Especially you Dean Winchester who doesn’t even have the slightest bit of faith! You who started the apocalypse.”
Dean started at the angel in shock, feeling like he’d been punched. Castiel’s hands were balled into fists and his eyes were angry. There was something else in his eyes, but Dean had no idea what it was.
“Cas?”
“You who could not even hear my voice and hid from me. You do not deserve to fly with us.” And he was gone.
Dean stared at the spot in horror, that had been a little more then the reaction he was expecting. But for his angel to call him an abomination, his heart sank. He should have known…. He shouldn’t have let the angel convince him he was worth anything in the first place.
He vaguely wondered if he was in shock as the bed sank down and Sammy’s arms came around him. So the angel finally realized what Dean had been telling him the whole time. He was worthless and he definitely wasn’t worth Castiel losing his grace over. He pressed his face into his brother’s shoulder and realized he was shaking.
They were on their own again, and this time everything seemed so pointless. He shouldn’t have opened his big fat mouth, then at least he would still believe the lies Castiel had told him so easily. He wound his arms around his baby brother and held on, Sammy was the only thing left.
“Dean, he didn’t mean it. You know that, Castiel adores you.” Sam quietly tried to reason with his brother. But the damage was done; he’d seen the look on Dean’s face as Castiel ranted. It was like the angel had ripped out what little light and happiness that was left in him and threw it into the dust.
“S’ok Sammy. Been trying to tell Cas from the beginning that I wasn’t worth it. I guess he knows now.” Dean frowned, he felt numb and actually kind of tired. He snuggled into his brother; right now he needed that feeling. Someone touching him and loving him even if he was an abomination.
“Sammy, you still love me right?” He was ashamed to admit his voice sounded tiny and weak.
“Yeah De, I love you for always. You know that,” Sam whispered; Dean was definitely in shock. “Go to sleep De, I’ll watch out for you and make sure everything is ok.” And kick a certain angel’s ass, he added mentally.
***
He snuggled into whoever was holding him, it wasn’t Sammy he knew that. The warmth that wrapped around him so completely was so reminiscent of that from his dreams, but not the same.
He sighed and pouted as the presence started retreating and then the previous days events came back to him. Cas, his angel, had called him an abomination. All warm feelings deserted him and he reached for whoever was with him.
As a hand settled on his forehead he was almost sure he heard the Trickster’s voice whisper to him before he fell asleep again.
Part Two