Question Meme - Min
You want to ask me questions, go for it.
1. Since being with R, how do you see that your submission has changed, if at all.
I don't know if it has changed. My feelings on it are more complicated, I suppose. I have always struggled with the differences between the logical/abstract and the real/emotional - being much better at the former, every single time. On one hand, it has been a learning experience in trying to reconcile the two. On the other hand, everything about our relationship thus far has felt natural. As confused and impatient as I was, I probable would have fled if he came on strong in the beginning - a year later seems to have worked out fine. But I was submissive to him for that time, we just didn't talk about it.
Now? I suppose I feel a lot more comfortable being open about my needs, wants, desires, insecurities, etc, since I know I won't be sent away for having them. I have been little a lot since we have been official. I don't know if this is because I finally feel completely safe, because this is how I am working through things, because this is what I need, or some combination of it all.
All in all, most of the time it isn't a struggle and doesn't feel like submission because we work so well together. We rarely disagree about things, big or small (unless I am little and being obnoxious and he asks me not to be). I am a little bit waiting for the time to come when he doesn't think it is funny when I am petulant, because if that happens there will be some conflict (mostly because it is hard for me to switch mindsets and routines - so I expect that if that time comes there will be a lot of confusion, frustration, and insecurity on my end and guilt and frustration on his).
I have been struggling with labels. A lot of the time, the whole relationship doesn't feel D/sy at all. But, when I look at other relationships around me, the feel and look similar but with different labels (M/s instead of D/g). I don't identify as a slave and the label itself doesn't really hold too much appeal to me. I don't know if that will change, but I don't want a lot of the superficial M/s stuff (like calling him 'Master' - not the substance of the actual relationship dynamics which is the deeper part of the dynamic). I suppose the confusion isn't helped that M/s feels like it should be cold and distant, but the M/s relationships that I know are all warm and loving at their core.
2. Where do you want to be in 10 years?
Happy and stable, mostly.
The maybes that are floating around my head recently are:
a. I don't think I want to live in Chicago - I really hate the winter and the weather is horrible for Riley's headaches. Ideally, I want to own a large piece of property somewhere close to a major city that I like and build my own house (we will see how this one goes).
b. I am in a baby mood, so right now I would say that I would have kids. I want to be pregnant at least once, but I also am a big believer in big families and adoption. I have desires to do foster-care stuff, as well.
c. I sincerely hope that Riley and I are still together, and if that is the case I hope that I bring in enough income so that he can do all of his nonprofit work without having to hold down a full-time job if he doesn't want to. I know that his activism is really important to him and that he may not ever get a well-paying opportunity to work in that, but I want him to be able to if he wants to. I can always make money with kid-stuff, if I need to.
d. I will be done with school, mostly. I need to finish my MSW and Masters in Education (or Child Development or Psychology) and then reevaluate what I really want to be doing.
3. What do you think is the one thing Nolan has said to you that you think will stay with you forever?
But, really, that he loves me. And doesn't want me to die, which I suppose are one in the same.
4. How do you see your role as a member of the Leather community?
I am service-oriented until the end, I guess. I really don't want to be anything more than a facilitator. I am perfectly happy with my role at GLLA, where Riley gets all of the glory and I don't have to talk on-stage. The only thing that is appealing about competing/winning a title is the winning part, because I am really competitive (which I hate, fyi, but not as much as I hate my pettiness).
I want to be respected. I want to help my community and my people. But I don't want any of the glory, I guess. I want to be the navigator or the Pit Boss, not the driver.
5. Since you have said several times that you don't wish to return to Florida, what do you like about Chicago as opposed to your home town?
The thing about Florida is that it is seedy as hell. It is a great place to visit. I miss the water like you wouldn't believe. But, there is, at least in Tampa, a feeling of stagnancy and a lack of ambition in the air. Very few of those I went to school with and stayed are anybody I would want to be like. It is a party state with these amazingly fascinating race and class lines. It seems like people are doing drugs because they can afford it and daddy will bail them out or they are doing drugs because their lives suck with no way out.
I love how Chicago has so much opportunity for people. I like how it is a bunch of little towns smashed together. I love how I can walk to anything or hop on a bus. I love that we do things as a city together (especially during the summer and you can go to something every weekend). I like the sense of community, I like having nearly everything right there. I think that Chicago was a great place for me to grow up and learn to be my own person. I also think Chicago is cold.
Also, after about 4 days in the same timezone I want to claw my mother's eyes out.
1. Since being with R, how do you see that your submission has changed, if at all.
I don't know if it has changed. My feelings on it are more complicated, I suppose. I have always struggled with the differences between the logical/abstract and the real/emotional - being much better at the former, every single time. On one hand, it has been a learning experience in trying to reconcile the two. On the other hand, everything about our relationship thus far has felt natural. As confused and impatient as I was, I probable would have fled if he came on strong in the beginning - a year later seems to have worked out fine. But I was submissive to him for that time, we just didn't talk about it.
Now? I suppose I feel a lot more comfortable being open about my needs, wants, desires, insecurities, etc, since I know I won't be sent away for having them. I have been little a lot since we have been official. I don't know if this is because I finally feel completely safe, because this is how I am working through things, because this is what I need, or some combination of it all.
All in all, most of the time it isn't a struggle and doesn't feel like submission because we work so well together. We rarely disagree about things, big or small (unless I am little and being obnoxious and he asks me not to be). I am a little bit waiting for the time to come when he doesn't think it is funny when I am petulant, because if that happens there will be some conflict (mostly because it is hard for me to switch mindsets and routines - so I expect that if that time comes there will be a lot of confusion, frustration, and insecurity on my end and guilt and frustration on his).
I have been struggling with labels. A lot of the time, the whole relationship doesn't feel D/sy at all. But, when I look at other relationships around me, the feel and look similar but with different labels (M/s instead of D/g). I don't identify as a slave and the label itself doesn't really hold too much appeal to me. I don't know if that will change, but I don't want a lot of the superficial M/s stuff (like calling him 'Master' - not the substance of the actual relationship dynamics which is the deeper part of the dynamic). I suppose the confusion isn't helped that M/s feels like it should be cold and distant, but the M/s relationships that I know are all warm and loving at their core.
2. Where do you want to be in 10 years?
Happy and stable, mostly.
The maybes that are floating around my head recently are:
a. I don't think I want to live in Chicago - I really hate the winter and the weather is horrible for Riley's headaches. Ideally, I want to own a large piece of property somewhere close to a major city that I like and build my own house (we will see how this one goes).
b. I am in a baby mood, so right now I would say that I would have kids. I want to be pregnant at least once, but I also am a big believer in big families and adoption. I have desires to do foster-care stuff, as well.
c. I sincerely hope that Riley and I are still together, and if that is the case I hope that I bring in enough income so that he can do all of his nonprofit work without having to hold down a full-time job if he doesn't want to. I know that his activism is really important to him and that he may not ever get a well-paying opportunity to work in that, but I want him to be able to if he wants to. I can always make money with kid-stuff, if I need to.
d. I will be done with school, mostly. I need to finish my MSW and Masters in Education (or Child Development or Psychology) and then reevaluate what I really want to be doing.
3. What do you think is the one thing Nolan has said to you that you think will stay with you forever?
But, really, that he loves me. And doesn't want me to die, which I suppose are one in the same.
4. How do you see your role as a member of the Leather community?
I am service-oriented until the end, I guess. I really don't want to be anything more than a facilitator. I am perfectly happy with my role at GLLA, where Riley gets all of the glory and I don't have to talk on-stage. The only thing that is appealing about competing/winning a title is the winning part, because I am really competitive (which I hate, fyi, but not as much as I hate my pettiness).
I want to be respected. I want to help my community and my people. But I don't want any of the glory, I guess. I want to be the navigator or the Pit Boss, not the driver.
5. Since you have said several times that you don't wish to return to Florida, what do you like about Chicago as opposed to your home town?
The thing about Florida is that it is seedy as hell. It is a great place to visit. I miss the water like you wouldn't believe. But, there is, at least in Tampa, a feeling of stagnancy and a lack of ambition in the air. Very few of those I went to school with and stayed are anybody I would want to be like. It is a party state with these amazingly fascinating race and class lines. It seems like people are doing drugs because they can afford it and daddy will bail them out or they are doing drugs because their lives suck with no way out.
I love how Chicago has so much opportunity for people. I like how it is a bunch of little towns smashed together. I love how I can walk to anything or hop on a bus. I love that we do things as a city together (especially during the summer and you can go to something every weekend). I like the sense of community, I like having nearly everything right there. I think that Chicago was a great place for me to grow up and learn to be my own person. I also think Chicago is cold.
Also, after about 4 days in the same timezone I want to claw my mother's eyes out.