[Infinite] How To Break A Fireproof Heart -Part 2-
Title: How To Break A Fireproof Heart (2/2)
Author: Heiji Hatsutori
Length: 3,941 words
Genre: AU, Angst
Pairing: Myungsoo-centric, Myungsoo/?, Bandfic
Rating: PG
Summary:
The owner of the shop is a man who used to travel around the world after finishing high school and loves telling stories on his travel adventures, though he hardly talk about his personal life, and tends to clam up when asked. He always opens the shop early, feeding the birds, and bugs the hell out of the stoic young officer who came from the city after been posted at the small village a couple of years back.
A/N:
Originally posted here as part of Infinite Minibang/Bigbang 2014 at dashidorawa.
I’m really sorry for my inability to be coherent but in my defense I swear Myungsoo is a rebel that loves to ruin whatever I have planned for this fic. Really. This is supposed to purely be bandfic, but a closer read after submitting the whole thing and I realized it's not quite the case, thus the update up there.
Also, Livejournal might just be out to piss me off royally (and succeeds spectacularly at that) by forcing me to cut this into two. Yeah, I don't get it either. (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻
Now with fanmix. Download or listen to the playlist.
HOW TO BREAK A FIREPROOF HEART
-Part 1- -Part 2-
*******
Like a painkiller, I take it
And I watch the world ignite
There is no definite number for the last three person, and with Woohyun personally drops by for his, that leaves only two, which, to be frank, are even more of a pain than taking a stab at Google to track down Jang Dongwoo.
Lee Sungjong, the youngest among all of us is the same Lee Sungjong you know as the biggest conglomerate CEO in the whole of Seoul. I have no idea how much he has changed by now (money does that to people, really, I swear) but even back then he was one scary little kid. Like, there’s something eerie at how his pretty face is the complete opposite of his personality. But then you’re kind of a pretty boy yourself so maybe you can figure him out better than me?
He groans inwardly at that; curse you, no way in hell that will work!
Also I have no idea how powerful and rich people work their schedule, so you go and figure that out. Hey, you’re an officer; surely you have know-how in this?
Of course not, unless there’s a dead body somewhere, he thinks.
Anyways, good luck!
That brings Myungsoo back to the present, as he stands at the entrance of the corporate building, and mentally kicks himself. Heaving a sigh and straightens his posture, he takes the elevator to the CEO’s office, ignoring the uneasy feeling that nags inside since he arrived.
He makes his way to the operator at the counter, and is very surprised at the acknowledgement when he just as much as says his name, as it seems that Mr. CEO is expecting him after all, and he found himself escorted by the pretty operator right to the door before excusing herself.
The room is large, with a slick brown table taking the most attention among the high-quality furniture, but still it’s the dark piercing look in Lee Sungjong’s eyes that demands the most authority there, as the younger businessman invites him in.
With steady strides he walks on, stops to reach for the letter in his backpack a few inches before the said table, and slides it across the cleared table. All the time he can feel the gaze on him, but he keeps his own downcast, passive.
He catches the man glancing at the clock, and takes it as his cue to leave. Taking a few steps backwards, and bows, he turns to leave when the younger speaks.
“That’s it?”
He raises the eyebrow at that.
“You won’t ask me to read it now? Like Hoya and Dongwoo?”
Don’t say anything.
He simply shakes his head, and turns again, only to hear a loud thud hitting the table.
“Surely, you have something to say yourself, Kim Myungsoo?”
You can’t afford to let your guard down.
“Like how we’ve already met before, way back in high school?”
So he turns, facing the CEO dead on, and calmly speaks.
“I’m sorry for my rudeness, but I believe this is our first meeting.”
There’s an accusation in the younger’s eyes, but he can’t be bother with that.
“And I am only here simply to hand over the letter, as bequeathed on me by the deceased; nothing more, nothing less.”
There’s a snicker escaping the younger’s lips and he takes one file before scattering the content all over the table.
“What is this then?”
There are a lot of pictures and documents, and it does not take a genius to know that Sungjong has his background checked. He predicted that much at the very least, considering that the person had been so wary in the instruction letter. And he knows he cannot get out of this by pure conviction like he did with Woohyun yesterday.
So he smiles, softly, and reaches for one paper; a copy of his high school certificate.
“What does this has to do with anything, really?”
He ignores the twitch on the other’s face at that.
“That person is still dead.”
Sungjong actually leaps and grabs his collar from across the table, face red with anger.
“You- he ditched us, all of us, to go travelling to God knows where and cuts off all contact and you’re telling me to just accept it? That the whimsical bastard of a hyung had a decency to apologize now, after he’s already dead and gone?”
He steels himself, bracing for impact.
“Don’t talk like you have nothing to do with this, Myungsoo.”
It didn’t come. Instead, he is let go of, and Sungjong is scrambling the pictures, looking for one in particular, and throws it at his face.
It is the exact same copy as the one left with the bundle, except it is clipped together with another one, showing a male student looking at a camera, a wistful expression on his face.
“You were there, too. You took that picture for us; before he left.”
He rewinds his memory for the past week, and suddenly everything clicked into place.
How Howon had been quick to talk to him, and pays for his drink with no resistance normal for mere acquaintances; Dongwoo had smiled happily when they first laid eyes on each other, and keeps on hugging him even when the tears had long dried; and Woohyun had readily accepts his coffee with no qualms whatsoever, like an old friend instead of complete stranger.
He had thought that they were quick to be friendly, and attributes it to the fact that they were that person’s friend. But that logic is obviously flawed, and he berates himself for not realizing it.
“I’m sorry.”
He gathers all the papers back into place, and caught sight of the medical report.
“But I don’t remember anything.”
The crushed look on Sungjong’s face hurts him more than it should have.
*******
It won’t be easy, when the tears that the leaving heart had to shed
And the ones shed by the heart staying behind were so uneven
“Hey, hyung,”
That person only smiles wistfully.
“Do you really have to go?”
There’s a brief nod, firm.
“But you promised, you-
A hand stays in his shoulder.
“Sungjong, I cannot stay here. No, I don’t want to.”
The hold tightens.
“Hate me if you want, but if I’m going to die, I rather it be anywhere but here.”
The hand retracts, and he never feels so cold.
“I mean it.”
The next day, that person is gone from their lives.
*******
Rebel against the fate that descends.
Yes, bloom vibrantly, with glory.
It must have become a habit now, to coop inside the room after each delivery, for somehow Myungsoo feels terribly exhausted and all he wants to do is lie down and sleep for 12 hours straight.
But then there’s only 1 more person left, and there’s the 2nd letter addressed to him himself that is supposed to be opened before he go and see Sungjong, but he had been neglecting that portion of letters, and he can imagine that person frowning, which is not a good look, really.
Kim Myungsoo, congratulations for not giving up and manage to hold on this far. I don’t expect you to be so obedient, but alas you cannot deny me after all, eh? Haha!
He takes back what he thinks earlier on; frown all you want, damn it.
Still, before you go see the scary CEO, there’s something you need to know. The two last people in the list of recipients, they, well, resent me a lot, I think.
He starts regretting not reading this sooner.
They know that I’m not supposed to leave the hospital; like, they were very aware of it, the situation, unlike the other three. But I want to, no, I need to leave. Heck, I live longer than the old doctor’s expectation anyways; they thought I wouldn’t last a year back then.
He stills at that.
Alas, I’ve been running on borrowed time, Myungsoo, way before we met that day.
Apparently he had been running late for a meeting when a car swerve past, diving straight into an unsuspecting passerby. It had happened too fast, but he is already running, pushing the man away from harm’s view.
For saving me, thank you, Mr. Officer.
At least, that’s what he was told anyway; as he does not have any idea of what really happened.
Now, let me be the one to save you this time.
He had been out of it for three weeks as a result of the contact, and the shopkeeper greets him with a tear-stricken face; it was almost a miracle he survived the accident.
I’m sorry, Myungsoo, but as I thought I really cannot let you live like this.
Well, that’s exaggerating-
You need to get your memory back, Kim Myungsoo.
He glances at the abundance of paper he received from Sungjong before, and his brain grinds to a halt, as realization sinks in.
That person knew it, all along, all this time.
On the top most of the pile is a medical report -his- with the results of the diagnosis in bold, black letters.
Lacunar amnesia - selective memory loss disorder.
You have to.
He screams.
*******
I can’t figure out since when and since where things went wrong
Everything feels faint like scattering fog
“Hello, there.”
There’s a questioning tone at the end of the greeting, but that person smiles regardless.
“Hey, Myungsoo, it’s rare to see you up here.”
He shrugs at that, taking in the fresh air of the rooftop.
“I’m asking for a transfer, back to my hometown.”
That person’s eyes widen.
“The higher-ups are more than eager to demote me anyway, so all’s good; a win-win situation. Guess they cannot handle me correcting every single mistake they make after all.”
They chuckle at that.
“I’m glad for you, detective.”
He shakes his head at the remark, and smiles.
Immediately there is a flash of light in his head, but somehow he is too busy running to notice, his legs propelling him forward with incredible speed.
He runs hard, gasping for air, just a bit more and he can grab him but he fails to realize the upcoming car swerving towards the stranger until it’s too late. There is a chilling sound of the brake and he is flying and falling and-
Myungsoo jerks awake with a start, his head pounding; a name left at the tip of his tongue and the details of his dream (memory?) gets fuzzy and blurred together into blankness.
Just like that, he forgets everything again.
But each time, too, he will catch himself crying, without ever knowing why.
Once, the shopkeeper caught him when they went on a fishing trip together, and he had confessed his seemingly peculiar condition in between the urge to punch the living daylights out of the other man and the urge to knock himself out instead because this is embarrassing as hell, but the person had only listen to him, and make him coffee to calm himself down, and he still does not know what to make of the situation now.
For the look in the man’s eyes is almost as painful as the bitter coffee he had that day.
“It will be alright, Myungsoo, so don’t give up now. Okay?”
*******
On that day, I exchanged promises with you
Now we can’t recall them
He walks along the hallway of white walls and the unease that pools in his stomach increases with each step. He has always hated hospitals, be it here or the ones back at the small village; they share the same bleakness in atmosphere and the pungent scent of antiseptics makes him nauseous.
Still, the recipient of the last letter is a doctor of all things, and for some reason he somewhat know his way around somehow without a need of direction, as a familiar feeling seeps in, though try as he may he is unable to recall if he ever came here before.
His legs bring him to the stairs leading to the rooftop, and strong wind greets him as he opens the door, white sheets waving at one end and empty benches lined up on the other. Taking a seat at the furthest bench nearest to the railing, he closes his eyes and promptly fell asleep.
“I’m glad for you, detective.”
He shakes his head at the remark, and smiles.
“It’s just officer now, really.”
A hearty laugh echoes.
“Okay then, Mr. Officer.”
His eyes sprung open and the sunlight almost blinds him from its brightness but in his bleariness he can almost make out a figure of someone in front of him, standing by the railing, wearing the white hospital gown-
“Sungyeol?”
A thud and he is fully awake to recognize the presence of another beside him.
The doctor is very busy, so don’t take his time too much.
He scrambles to pick up the dropped papers, lest it’ll be taken away by the wind.
Avoid the rooftop at all cost.
He stills as the reminder flashes in his mind.
Unless you are truly ready for it, don’t go there, Myungsoo.
The doctor, judging from the white coat he’s wearing, grabs his arm and pulls him to the shaded area on the rooftop.
“The sun is strong this time of the day.”
He steals a glance at the ID hanging at the breast pocket and feels his head exploding.
I know I said that you need to remember and all but you should take your time instead of rushing things, I mean, it’s what I believe is the best. But who am I to know this?
He can barely register what happens when his legs gives up on him.
Sungyeol ought to know better, since he’s a doctor and all, but I like to think that I have more sense in this kind of stuff, ha!
“No, don’t shut down now. Can you hear me? Listen, look at me, Myungsoo!”
The ID he read registers the doctor as Kim Sunggyu, psychologist.
But then, that person, he is-
“I’m Sunggyu, the shopkeeper.”
He reaches for the hand, and shakes it, firm.
“I’m Myungsoo, nice to meet you, Sunggyu.”
The man smiles bright, hiding the pain in his eyes.
“I’ll show you around after you’re discharged, Mr. Officer.”
He had been wondering why, but decides it was not his place to intrude.
“You will like it here, really.”
And he belatedly realized that he had never once told him that he is an officer.
“Stay with me, Myungsoo!”
Not to ‘Sunggyu’, no.
“Before you leave, to commemorate the, eh, demotion, let’s-
The blurry image of the stranger in his memory clears for the first time in long years.
“It’s a promise, then.”
And he is slipping away.
*******
And you just can’t stop the rain
Whether you wanted it to or not someday it falls
Sunggyu sits on the chair by the window, hand clutching the letter taken from the backpack that is now sits idly in the small cabinet locker beside the bed. Sungjong had drop by earlier, which is a surprise considering the heavily-tight schedule the businessman has, but one look at the exasperate face of the youngest and he holds his tongue, only responding when necessary.
Woohyun and Hoya had each taken the liberty to pay the bills, but Dongwoo had beaten them to it, flying all the way from Busan to Seoul when the news of Myungsoo collapsing reached him, which he suspect courtesy of Sungjong, though of course the latter would deny it with his trademark indifferent look.
The artist had stayed one whole day and was the calmest he had seen in years, but Sunggyu knew better that Dongwoo was on the verge of breaking down inside; and asked Hoya to take him away from the place.
He had witnessed a similar situation back then, when the group of friends missing one person, and Dongwoo had let the one that got away scot-free despite his own bitterness, only to retreat inside into himself when the true nature of the reason behind the travelling comes out.
Sunggyu steals a glance at the pale face on the bed, peacefully sleeping, without a care of the world when there is a knock on the door and Woohyun peers in, a small smile on his lips.
“You need to take a rest, doctor. Surely Myungsoo is not your only patient, now.”
He heaves a sigh at that remark and simply leans back into the chair, just to spite him. Woohyun only chuckles lightly, to his chagrin, and he catches the other’s gaze on the letter in his palm.
Hey, doctor genius.
The singer takes a seat on the chair beside him and fiddling his own letter.
I may have wronged you more than I thought I did.
He had cursed out loud despite himself, to the shock of the nurses.
But that is still nothing compare to how I wronged Myungsoo.
He could not make a comeback to that.
He saved my life. Me, when I barely have any time left to live.
There is a spot where the ink blurred; and he can see him crying while writing this.
But I almost took his instead; and I don’t know what to do. He woke up staring at me like I’m a stranger so I use your name, just to see a reaction, and he- accept it, like it’s the most normal thing ever, and, I try to gauge his memory by mentioning Sungjong, and Dongwoo and Hoya and Woohyun but he just draw a blank look at me and I-
He must have written a variation of the same thing, for Woohyun hardly surprised when he showed the singer the specific page.
I broke him, I did.
Two weeks since he found him on the rooftop, and Myungsoo is still sleeping.
Please, save him, hyung.
His heart goes out to Sungyeol, and wonders just where they went wrong.
*******
The smiling half moon and the stars that laugh together quietly envelop us
Only gently, softly, the night wind that blows through sweeps away our hearts
In the foggy parts of his memory, there is a stranger.
He has no idea who it is, their name, anything and everything about them, and he can never see the person’s face clearly somehow, but every time it feels like they have known each other since forever, and he can live with that.
The stranger is a nice person, and a bit of a prankster, but he has a smile so bright, it makes him happy whenever the person smiles. But the stranger is sick, and so they always meet up at the hospital’s rooftop, where white is the wall behind him and the hospital gown, as the sun shines down, blinding the view of everything around them.
And then there is black, which is the night when they sneak out of the place and wanders around when he is off duty, and also the color of his uniform, the only thing that differs from the sea of white when it is day.
From time to time, there is red, and he is running, and there is a car, and he can almost catch the face of the nameless stranger when he pushes the man away, but all he can see is red and there is pain, pain, pain everywhere.
Now, the time from before starts moving again, and clears the grey zone in his mind.
“Don’t cry for me.”
There is nothing but clear blue above, mocking him endlessly.
“Really, I mean it.”
He remains silent.
“Until you are able to call me by my name, Mr. Officer, don’t.”
Myungsoo opens his eyes, catches the tears streaming down his face, and he understands perfectly the reason why, this time around.
“I’m sorry, Sungyeol. I’m really, really sorry. I-
It hurts; his head, his heart, everything hurts and he is breaking apart.
Still, he can see the same smile, clearly in his mind, and he is glad for it.
More than anything else in this world, he is so, so grateful for it.
*******
When I can’t confess anything
I can’t say good bye either
No matter how many times they do this, it always feels like the first time for him, and that is amazing, he thinks. And every time Myungsoo smirks the way he always does, he always think that everything will be alright, regardless of the situation.
His doctor had recognized the younger the first time he visits, and was puzzled when the man pulls out a blank look at the familiar greeting, to which he explains the predicament Myungsoo is in.
“And you are okay with it? That he doesn’t remember you at all?”
He closes his eyes, breathing.
“Never mind that he never able to recall your name, regardless of how many times you introduce yourself to him?”
He smiles bitterly at that.
“To him now, I’m Sunggyu. Last time it was Woohyun, and it creep me out a bit, ha!”
The doctor frowns at him, but he ignores it.
“It’s fine, really.”
He watches the officer making his way through the crowd and grins.
“This way, when I am gone, he can live on with no regrets.”
He says it with conviction in his voice.
“What about your regrets then? And are you sure he will be fine like this?”
That stops him on his tracks, and had him thinking. Later, when he is discharged and return to his little shop, he catches the last picture they took together, and brace himself.
He starts writing the first letter.
*******
There is a wooden shop selling souvenir at the corner of the road by the police station. The shop is small, simple, and from the window outside there are lots of hanging trinkets adorning the upper space of the shelf, which is full with colorful sculpture and whatnot, neatly arranged.
The owner of the shop was a man who used to travel around the world after finishing high school and loves telling stories on his travel adventures, though he hardly talk about his personal life, and tends to clam up when asked. He also had an illness, for he frequently visits the hospital, to the point that everyone can recognize his face there.
But most of all he seemed fond of the hospital’s rooftop, and when he was not manning his little shop, he will surely be found there, and chatter away with the stoic young officer who is also his best friend whenever the latter’s off-duty.
The situation continues, until one day the shopkeeper leaned by the railing, like he always did, only to have it gave up on him, and he fell down the hospital building.
The entrance to the rooftop was locked since then, but it is opened again today, when the officer drops by after a long time of disappearance, to the relief of the doctor who used to be the one in charge of the shopkeeper.
Later, he, along with five other people, who he said was the shopkeeper’s best friends back when he was still alive visit the grave, and the officer finally manage to get the name right this time around.
The wind blows and the sun shines down on them, but the shopkeeper by the name of Lee Sungyeol is gone, and they had never felt so alone.
Yet they are there, still there, together, after long years of separation.
Surely, that’s enough, now.
*******
There is very little we can do
Our heart would wet
Along with the rain
Author: Heiji Hatsutori
Length: 3,941 words
Genre: AU, Angst
Pairing: Myungsoo-centric, Myungsoo/?, Bandfic
Rating: PG
Summary:
The owner of the shop is a man who used to travel around the world after finishing high school and loves telling stories on his travel adventures, though he hardly talk about his personal life, and tends to clam up when asked. He always opens the shop early, feeding the birds, and bugs the hell out of the stoic young officer who came from the city after been posted at the small village a couple of years back.
A/N:
Originally posted here as part of Infinite Minibang/Bigbang 2014 at dashidorawa.
I’m really sorry for my inability to be coherent but in my defense I swear Myungsoo is a rebel that loves to ruin whatever I have planned for this fic. Really. This is supposed to purely be bandfic, but a closer read after submitting the whole thing and I realized it's not quite the case, thus the update up there.
Also, Livejournal might just be out to piss me off royally (and succeeds spectacularly at that) by forcing me to cut this into two. Yeah, I don't get it either. (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻
Now with fanmix. Download or listen to the playlist.
HOW TO BREAK A FIREPROOF HEART
-Part 1- -Part 2-
*******
Like a painkiller, I take it
And I watch the world ignite
There is no definite number for the last three person, and with Woohyun personally drops by for his, that leaves only two, which, to be frank, are even more of a pain than taking a stab at Google to track down Jang Dongwoo.
Lee Sungjong, the youngest among all of us is the same Lee Sungjong you know as the biggest conglomerate CEO in the whole of Seoul. I have no idea how much he has changed by now (money does that to people, really, I swear) but even back then he was one scary little kid. Like, there’s something eerie at how his pretty face is the complete opposite of his personality. But then you’re kind of a pretty boy yourself so maybe you can figure him out better than me?
He groans inwardly at that; curse you, no way in hell that will work!
Also I have no idea how powerful and rich people work their schedule, so you go and figure that out. Hey, you’re an officer; surely you have know-how in this?
Of course not, unless there’s a dead body somewhere, he thinks.
Anyways, good luck!
That brings Myungsoo back to the present, as he stands at the entrance of the corporate building, and mentally kicks himself. Heaving a sigh and straightens his posture, he takes the elevator to the CEO’s office, ignoring the uneasy feeling that nags inside since he arrived.
He makes his way to the operator at the counter, and is very surprised at the acknowledgement when he just as much as says his name, as it seems that Mr. CEO is expecting him after all, and he found himself escorted by the pretty operator right to the door before excusing herself.
The room is large, with a slick brown table taking the most attention among the high-quality furniture, but still it’s the dark piercing look in Lee Sungjong’s eyes that demands the most authority there, as the younger businessman invites him in.
With steady strides he walks on, stops to reach for the letter in his backpack a few inches before the said table, and slides it across the cleared table. All the time he can feel the gaze on him, but he keeps his own downcast, passive.
He catches the man glancing at the clock, and takes it as his cue to leave. Taking a few steps backwards, and bows, he turns to leave when the younger speaks.
“That’s it?”
He raises the eyebrow at that.
“You won’t ask me to read it now? Like Hoya and Dongwoo?”
Don’t say anything.
He simply shakes his head, and turns again, only to hear a loud thud hitting the table.
“Surely, you have something to say yourself, Kim Myungsoo?”
You can’t afford to let your guard down.
“Like how we’ve already met before, way back in high school?”
So he turns, facing the CEO dead on, and calmly speaks.
“I’m sorry for my rudeness, but I believe this is our first meeting.”
There’s an accusation in the younger’s eyes, but he can’t be bother with that.
“And I am only here simply to hand over the letter, as bequeathed on me by the deceased; nothing more, nothing less.”
There’s a snicker escaping the younger’s lips and he takes one file before scattering the content all over the table.
“What is this then?”
There are a lot of pictures and documents, and it does not take a genius to know that Sungjong has his background checked. He predicted that much at the very least, considering that the person had been so wary in the instruction letter. And he knows he cannot get out of this by pure conviction like he did with Woohyun yesterday.
So he smiles, softly, and reaches for one paper; a copy of his high school certificate.
“What does this has to do with anything, really?”
He ignores the twitch on the other’s face at that.
“That person is still dead.”
Sungjong actually leaps and grabs his collar from across the table, face red with anger.
“You- he ditched us, all of us, to go travelling to God knows where and cuts off all contact and you’re telling me to just accept it? That the whimsical bastard of a hyung had a decency to apologize now, after he’s already dead and gone?”
He steels himself, bracing for impact.
“Don’t talk like you have nothing to do with this, Myungsoo.”
It didn’t come. Instead, he is let go of, and Sungjong is scrambling the pictures, looking for one in particular, and throws it at his face.
It is the exact same copy as the one left with the bundle, except it is clipped together with another one, showing a male student looking at a camera, a wistful expression on his face.
“You were there, too. You took that picture for us; before he left.”
He rewinds his memory for the past week, and suddenly everything clicked into place.
How Howon had been quick to talk to him, and pays for his drink with no resistance normal for mere acquaintances; Dongwoo had smiled happily when they first laid eyes on each other, and keeps on hugging him even when the tears had long dried; and Woohyun had readily accepts his coffee with no qualms whatsoever, like an old friend instead of complete stranger.
He had thought that they were quick to be friendly, and attributes it to the fact that they were that person’s friend. But that logic is obviously flawed, and he berates himself for not realizing it.
“I’m sorry.”
He gathers all the papers back into place, and caught sight of the medical report.
“But I don’t remember anything.”
The crushed look on Sungjong’s face hurts him more than it should have.
*******
It won’t be easy, when the tears that the leaving heart had to shed
And the ones shed by the heart staying behind were so uneven
“Hey, hyung,”
That person only smiles wistfully.
“Do you really have to go?”
There’s a brief nod, firm.
“But you promised, you-
A hand stays in his shoulder.
“Sungjong, I cannot stay here. No, I don’t want to.”
The hold tightens.
“Hate me if you want, but if I’m going to die, I rather it be anywhere but here.”
The hand retracts, and he never feels so cold.
“I mean it.”
The next day, that person is gone from their lives.
*******
Rebel against the fate that descends.
Yes, bloom vibrantly, with glory.
It must have become a habit now, to coop inside the room after each delivery, for somehow Myungsoo feels terribly exhausted and all he wants to do is lie down and sleep for 12 hours straight.
But then there’s only 1 more person left, and there’s the 2nd letter addressed to him himself that is supposed to be opened before he go and see Sungjong, but he had been neglecting that portion of letters, and he can imagine that person frowning, which is not a good look, really.
Kim Myungsoo, congratulations for not giving up and manage to hold on this far. I don’t expect you to be so obedient, but alas you cannot deny me after all, eh? Haha!
He takes back what he thinks earlier on; frown all you want, damn it.
Still, before you go see the scary CEO, there’s something you need to know. The two last people in the list of recipients, they, well, resent me a lot, I think.
He starts regretting not reading this sooner.
They know that I’m not supposed to leave the hospital; like, they were very aware of it, the situation, unlike the other three. But I want to, no, I need to leave. Heck, I live longer than the old doctor’s expectation anyways; they thought I wouldn’t last a year back then.
He stills at that.
Alas, I’ve been running on borrowed time, Myungsoo, way before we met that day.
Apparently he had been running late for a meeting when a car swerve past, diving straight into an unsuspecting passerby. It had happened too fast, but he is already running, pushing the man away from harm’s view.
For saving me, thank you, Mr. Officer.
At least, that’s what he was told anyway; as he does not have any idea of what really happened.
Now, let me be the one to save you this time.
He had been out of it for three weeks as a result of the contact, and the shopkeeper greets him with a tear-stricken face; it was almost a miracle he survived the accident.
I’m sorry, Myungsoo, but as I thought I really cannot let you live like this.
Well, that’s exaggerating-
You need to get your memory back, Kim Myungsoo.
He glances at the abundance of paper he received from Sungjong before, and his brain grinds to a halt, as realization sinks in.
That person knew it, all along, all this time.
On the top most of the pile is a medical report -his- with the results of the diagnosis in bold, black letters.
Lacunar amnesia - selective memory loss disorder.
You have to.
He screams.
*******
I can’t figure out since when and since where things went wrong
Everything feels faint like scattering fog
“Hello, there.”
There’s a questioning tone at the end of the greeting, but that person smiles regardless.
“Hey, Myungsoo, it’s rare to see you up here.”
He shrugs at that, taking in the fresh air of the rooftop.
“I’m asking for a transfer, back to my hometown.”
That person’s eyes widen.
“The higher-ups are more than eager to demote me anyway, so all’s good; a win-win situation. Guess they cannot handle me correcting every single mistake they make after all.”
They chuckle at that.
“I’m glad for you, detective.”
He shakes his head at the remark, and smiles.
Immediately there is a flash of light in his head, but somehow he is too busy running to notice, his legs propelling him forward with incredible speed.
He runs hard, gasping for air, just a bit more and he can grab him but he fails to realize the upcoming car swerving towards the stranger until it’s too late. There is a chilling sound of the brake and he is flying and falling and-
Myungsoo jerks awake with a start, his head pounding; a name left at the tip of his tongue and the details of his dream (memory?) gets fuzzy and blurred together into blankness.
Just like that, he forgets everything again.
But each time, too, he will catch himself crying, without ever knowing why.
Once, the shopkeeper caught him when they went on a fishing trip together, and he had confessed his seemingly peculiar condition in between the urge to punch the living daylights out of the other man and the urge to knock himself out instead because this is embarrassing as hell, but the person had only listen to him, and make him coffee to calm himself down, and he still does not know what to make of the situation now.
For the look in the man’s eyes is almost as painful as the bitter coffee he had that day.
“It will be alright, Myungsoo, so don’t give up now. Okay?”
*******
On that day, I exchanged promises with you
Now we can’t recall them
He walks along the hallway of white walls and the unease that pools in his stomach increases with each step. He has always hated hospitals, be it here or the ones back at the small village; they share the same bleakness in atmosphere and the pungent scent of antiseptics makes him nauseous.
Still, the recipient of the last letter is a doctor of all things, and for some reason he somewhat know his way around somehow without a need of direction, as a familiar feeling seeps in, though try as he may he is unable to recall if he ever came here before.
His legs bring him to the stairs leading to the rooftop, and strong wind greets him as he opens the door, white sheets waving at one end and empty benches lined up on the other. Taking a seat at the furthest bench nearest to the railing, he closes his eyes and promptly fell asleep.
“I’m glad for you, detective.”
He shakes his head at the remark, and smiles.
“It’s just officer now, really.”
A hearty laugh echoes.
“Okay then, Mr. Officer.”
His eyes sprung open and the sunlight almost blinds him from its brightness but in his bleariness he can almost make out a figure of someone in front of him, standing by the railing, wearing the white hospital gown-
“Sungyeol?”
A thud and he is fully awake to recognize the presence of another beside him.
The doctor is very busy, so don’t take his time too much.
He scrambles to pick up the dropped papers, lest it’ll be taken away by the wind.
Avoid the rooftop at all cost.
He stills as the reminder flashes in his mind.
Unless you are truly ready for it, don’t go there, Myungsoo.
The doctor, judging from the white coat he’s wearing, grabs his arm and pulls him to the shaded area on the rooftop.
“The sun is strong this time of the day.”
He steals a glance at the ID hanging at the breast pocket and feels his head exploding.
I know I said that you need to remember and all but you should take your time instead of rushing things, I mean, it’s what I believe is the best. But who am I to know this?
He can barely register what happens when his legs gives up on him.
Sungyeol ought to know better, since he’s a doctor and all, but I like to think that I have more sense in this kind of stuff, ha!
“No, don’t shut down now. Can you hear me? Listen, look at me, Myungsoo!”
The ID he read registers the doctor as Kim Sunggyu, psychologist.
But then, that person, he is-
“I’m Sunggyu, the shopkeeper.”
He reaches for the hand, and shakes it, firm.
“I’m Myungsoo, nice to meet you, Sunggyu.”
The man smiles bright, hiding the pain in his eyes.
“I’ll show you around after you’re discharged, Mr. Officer.”
He had been wondering why, but decides it was not his place to intrude.
“You will like it here, really.”
And he belatedly realized that he had never once told him that he is an officer.
“Stay with me, Myungsoo!”
Not to ‘Sunggyu’, no.
“Before you leave, to commemorate the, eh, demotion, let’s-
The blurry image of the stranger in his memory clears for the first time in long years.
“It’s a promise, then.”
And he is slipping away.
*******
And you just can’t stop the rain
Whether you wanted it to or not someday it falls
Sunggyu sits on the chair by the window, hand clutching the letter taken from the backpack that is now sits idly in the small cabinet locker beside the bed. Sungjong had drop by earlier, which is a surprise considering the heavily-tight schedule the businessman has, but one look at the exasperate face of the youngest and he holds his tongue, only responding when necessary.
Woohyun and Hoya had each taken the liberty to pay the bills, but Dongwoo had beaten them to it, flying all the way from Busan to Seoul when the news of Myungsoo collapsing reached him, which he suspect courtesy of Sungjong, though of course the latter would deny it with his trademark indifferent look.
The artist had stayed one whole day and was the calmest he had seen in years, but Sunggyu knew better that Dongwoo was on the verge of breaking down inside; and asked Hoya to take him away from the place.
He had witnessed a similar situation back then, when the group of friends missing one person, and Dongwoo had let the one that got away scot-free despite his own bitterness, only to retreat inside into himself when the true nature of the reason behind the travelling comes out.
Sunggyu steals a glance at the pale face on the bed, peacefully sleeping, without a care of the world when there is a knock on the door and Woohyun peers in, a small smile on his lips.
“You need to take a rest, doctor. Surely Myungsoo is not your only patient, now.”
He heaves a sigh at that remark and simply leans back into the chair, just to spite him. Woohyun only chuckles lightly, to his chagrin, and he catches the other’s gaze on the letter in his palm.
Hey, doctor genius.
The singer takes a seat on the chair beside him and fiddling his own letter.
I may have wronged you more than I thought I did.
He had cursed out loud despite himself, to the shock of the nurses.
But that is still nothing compare to how I wronged Myungsoo.
He could not make a comeback to that.
He saved my life. Me, when I barely have any time left to live.
There is a spot where the ink blurred; and he can see him crying while writing this.
But I almost took his instead; and I don’t know what to do. He woke up staring at me like I’m a stranger so I use your name, just to see a reaction, and he- accept it, like it’s the most normal thing ever, and, I try to gauge his memory by mentioning Sungjong, and Dongwoo and Hoya and Woohyun but he just draw a blank look at me and I-
He must have written a variation of the same thing, for Woohyun hardly surprised when he showed the singer the specific page.
I broke him, I did.
Two weeks since he found him on the rooftop, and Myungsoo is still sleeping.
Please, save him, hyung.
His heart goes out to Sungyeol, and wonders just where they went wrong.
*******
The smiling half moon and the stars that laugh together quietly envelop us
Only gently, softly, the night wind that blows through sweeps away our hearts
In the foggy parts of his memory, there is a stranger.
He has no idea who it is, their name, anything and everything about them, and he can never see the person’s face clearly somehow, but every time it feels like they have known each other since forever, and he can live with that.
The stranger is a nice person, and a bit of a prankster, but he has a smile so bright, it makes him happy whenever the person smiles. But the stranger is sick, and so they always meet up at the hospital’s rooftop, where white is the wall behind him and the hospital gown, as the sun shines down, blinding the view of everything around them.
And then there is black, which is the night when they sneak out of the place and wanders around when he is off duty, and also the color of his uniform, the only thing that differs from the sea of white when it is day.
From time to time, there is red, and he is running, and there is a car, and he can almost catch the face of the nameless stranger when he pushes the man away, but all he can see is red and there is pain, pain, pain everywhere.
Now, the time from before starts moving again, and clears the grey zone in his mind.
“Don’t cry for me.”
There is nothing but clear blue above, mocking him endlessly.
“Really, I mean it.”
He remains silent.
“Until you are able to call me by my name, Mr. Officer, don’t.”
Myungsoo opens his eyes, catches the tears streaming down his face, and he understands perfectly the reason why, this time around.
“I’m sorry, Sungyeol. I’m really, really sorry. I-
It hurts; his head, his heart, everything hurts and he is breaking apart.
Still, he can see the same smile, clearly in his mind, and he is glad for it.
More than anything else in this world, he is so, so grateful for it.
*******
When I can’t confess anything
I can’t say good bye either
No matter how many times they do this, it always feels like the first time for him, and that is amazing, he thinks. And every time Myungsoo smirks the way he always does, he always think that everything will be alright, regardless of the situation.
His doctor had recognized the younger the first time he visits, and was puzzled when the man pulls out a blank look at the familiar greeting, to which he explains the predicament Myungsoo is in.
“And you are okay with it? That he doesn’t remember you at all?”
He closes his eyes, breathing.
“Never mind that he never able to recall your name, regardless of how many times you introduce yourself to him?”
He smiles bitterly at that.
“To him now, I’m Sunggyu. Last time it was Woohyun, and it creep me out a bit, ha!”
The doctor frowns at him, but he ignores it.
“It’s fine, really.”
He watches the officer making his way through the crowd and grins.
“This way, when I am gone, he can live on with no regrets.”
He says it with conviction in his voice.
“What about your regrets then? And are you sure he will be fine like this?”
That stops him on his tracks, and had him thinking. Later, when he is discharged and return to his little shop, he catches the last picture they took together, and brace himself.
He starts writing the first letter.
*******
There is a wooden shop selling souvenir at the corner of the road by the police station. The shop is small, simple, and from the window outside there are lots of hanging trinkets adorning the upper space of the shelf, which is full with colorful sculpture and whatnot, neatly arranged.
The owner of the shop was a man who used to travel around the world after finishing high school and loves telling stories on his travel adventures, though he hardly talk about his personal life, and tends to clam up when asked. He also had an illness, for he frequently visits the hospital, to the point that everyone can recognize his face there.
But most of all he seemed fond of the hospital’s rooftop, and when he was not manning his little shop, he will surely be found there, and chatter away with the stoic young officer who is also his best friend whenever the latter’s off-duty.
The situation continues, until one day the shopkeeper leaned by the railing, like he always did, only to have it gave up on him, and he fell down the hospital building.
The entrance to the rooftop was locked since then, but it is opened again today, when the officer drops by after a long time of disappearance, to the relief of the doctor who used to be the one in charge of the shopkeeper.
Later, he, along with five other people, who he said was the shopkeeper’s best friends back when he was still alive visit the grave, and the officer finally manage to get the name right this time around.
The wind blows and the sun shines down on them, but the shopkeeper by the name of Lee Sungyeol is gone, and they had never felt so alone.
Yet they are there, still there, together, after long years of separation.
Surely, that’s enough, now.
*******
There is very little we can do
Our heart would wet
Along with the rain