The More Things Change. Chapter 3-4
Chapter 3.
Six weeks after nearly kissing Bette, Helena found herself in Tina’s new apartment, discussing things she really did not want to discuss.
Actually, Tina was doing most of the talking. She was on some new medication, something Helena remembered Alice taking, while in the throes of depression over her breakup with Dana. Tina was chattering quickly about her life plans, giving Helena a fair amount of déjà vu and a bit of a headache.
“Bette and I are going to try again.” Tina delivered the real kicker after informing Helena that her meds were really working out, that her daughter’s new babysitter was really hot but not worth dating, and that she was now working 15 hours a day.
Helena had been in the process of asking Tina about the possibilities of visiting a naturopath or getting some other kind of help, but then she felt her heart catch in her throat.
Helena and Bette had not spoken a great deal since nearly kissing. Alice kept prodding Helena to get the words out there-that she did indeed have feelings for Bette-but Helena stayed quiet. She had promised Bette that they would go to Chicago together, and the trip was only a week away, but now Helena really didn’t want to go.
Later, in the hotel room Helena had chosen for her stay in New York after Tina’s manic phone call and invitation drew her there, she sipped a cup of tea and ran over the words she would use to back out of her trip. Helena knew that she couldn’t go with Bette and sit through days of endless back and forth about Tina. She reached for her phone.
Bette sounded weirdly cheerful. “I’m so glad you called.” She also sounded relieved. “I worried…that maybe I messed things up.”
“You didn’t mess anything up.” Helena’s voice seemed to come from far away. She swallowed heavily and let her eyes flit to the hotel bar, where she knew she’d find something to spike her tea with. “I’m in New York, by the way. Tina asked me to come. I also have business I may attend to, in the morning.” Helena breathed shallow and tapped her fingers on her knee. Her heart hurt.
“Oh?” Bette’s tone changed immediately. “Why, I mean…sorry, I mean…are you and Tina…”
“Me and Tina?” Helena blanched. “What about you and Tina? And no, for your information, I have not been interested in Tina in ages.”
“Wait, what?” Bette sighed. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked you that. It’s just, I thought-I don’t know, that you, you know, you’re playing the field and…”
Helena hung up the phone. She stared at it, utterly frozen. Across the room, her cell phone rang. When she didn’t pick up, a series of text messages began rapidly arriving.
“Please pick up.”
“What did you mean?”
“Tina and I are over. Call me.”
Instead of calling Bette, Helena called Tina again. They arranged to meet in the morning for breakfast before their workdays began.
Over croissants and one too many Bellinis, Helena finally got the truth from Tina.
“I wanted to try again,” Tina smiled sadly. “Bette didn’t. She actually ended it with me. She forgave me for suspecting her of cheating and for everything else…” Tina’s eyes grew wide. Helena could tell that she was trying not to cry.
“You really thought that she killed Jenny?” Helena grimaced.
“I don’t know why, but yes, I did. It was like a switch went off in my head and I remembered all of the times she’s lied to me and all of the problems we’ve had. More than any of that, I needed time for myself, to understand the consequences of the things I wasn’t admitting to myself.” Tina proceeded to tell Helena everything that she had told Sergeant Mary Beth Duffy during their separate interviews. By the time Tina was through, Helena felt worse than ever for the time she and Bette had spent together. Helena could not imagine pursuing Bette in the face of Tina’s pain.
A day in her old office proved to distract Helena very little. Peabody Foundation business ate up the hours, but by 6pm, Helena realized that she had been staring blindly at a pile of grants that had already been rejected. She made her way back to her hotel and called Tina again. Helena ordered the best sushi she could get delivered and when they hugged goodbye, Helena promised to return.
“We’ll talk later this week, all right?” Helena leaned back from their embrace and brushed a lock of hair behind Tina’s ear. “I have something to discuss with you. But in the meantime, just concentrate on therapy and yoga and everything else you’re doing to be well again.”
Tina smiled sadly. “I think I know what you want to talk about. I wondered if it might come up on this trip.” She tugged firmly when Helena tried to step back. “Bette couldn’t stop talking about you when she was here last. Helena…it’s ok. I mean this is going to be really hard, but at the same time, it’s ok.”
“I…ummmm….” Helena mumbled into her hand, fighting tears suddenly. “No, it isn’t…”
“It’s ok. It really is. Life is funny sometimes, isn’t it?” Tina kissed Helena’s cheek. “Call me, all right? Please don’t cut me out of your life just because you might be in love with my ex-partner.”
“Omigod, no…” Helena gasped and pulled Tina in for another tight hug. “I can’t…you can’t say things like that…”
Tina just sighed and patted Helena’s back. “Just…I’m really sorry. I’m just going through a lot right now. Keep in touch, ok?”
Helena pulled back and looked thoughtfully at Tina. “Count on it. All right?”
Helena still really wasn’t convinced that she and Bette should take anything any further than it had already gone. She flew back to LA the next morning and spent most of the night and all of her flight, worrying and second-guessing herself. Cynicism blanketed her emotions, keeping them just blow the surface and safely at a distance. She drank too much on the flight and when her driver deposited her safely on her front step, it was all Helena could to do stand straight much less think straight.
She was surprised to see a skinny figure lounging against the corner of her house.
“Shane?” Helena called out quietly, waking the other woman. “Are you high or merely drunk?”
Shane stretched and hopped to her feet with a smile. “A really lot…umm..little bit stoned. You?”
“Tanked.” Helena snickered. Her jeans felt too tight. She decided to take them off that very moment. Shane laughed and shoved her ahead into the gigantic house.
“I have a gigantic fucking house.” Helena kept saying. “Too large for one person. I should run a daycare facility.”
Shane just laughed.
They ended up in the pool with a big bowl of snacks and a six pack of beer. It was the best possible way for Helena to deal with her angst, at least for the time being.
“If you want to fuck Bette, then you should.” Was Shane’s sage advice.
Helena laughed bitterly. “My god, is that always the answer? I should simply because I can? Isn’t that the root of all of my problems? I do anything I want because I can do anything I want. Fuck.” Helena threw the last of her beer on the deck and splashed into the water, off the floating orange thing she had been using. “I’m getting water. Then I’m quitting drinking.” She shouted at Shane who smiled and gave her a peace sign.
Chapter 4.
Helena met Bette at The Planet the next day. Helena was hung-over and cranky but tried to put on a smile for the obviously weary and overworked woman standing before her.
Bette insisted on taking Helena away from her serving duties for a few minutes in the office.
“I need to talk to you.” Bette was being way too intense. She shirked her jacket and sat in the chair behind the desk while Helena leaned against it.
“Tina needs our support. She doesn’t need this,” Helena gestured at herself and then Bette. “This…whatever this is!”
Bette just kept tugging at her buttons and slowly rolling her shirt sleeves down. Her eyes were impossibly sad. Then she suddenly got to her feet and positioned herself between Helena’s knees. Helena would remember their first kiss as a total rush. One moment, they were miles apart, and the next, they really were kissing and Helena did not have time to worry-not with Bette’s hand on the back of her head, and their lips sliding together.
Helena pulled away first. “Wow.” She squeaked. “That was ummm…” Helena rushed ahead. “No, it’s ok. I mean it was way better than that time Shane kissed me, though she was fine, it was just surprising, she’s just a friend, you’re a friend, but wow…” Helena wanted to punch herself in the face to keep from rambling any more. “What I mean is…you’re way better.”
Bette laughed. “Well, ok then.” Her mouth descended again and Helena was overwhelmed with the gentleness of Bette’s lips beneath their insistency.
They stopped, breathless, as Helena pushed Bette gently away. “We should take a little break. Celibate, remember?” Helena’s words were halting. Her lips tingled and her head felt light.
“Uh huh. Ok.” Bette spoke in a daze. She licked her lips.
“We’ll just be friends.” Helena, still leaning away, stuck out one hand and dreamily shook Bette’s rather reluctantly offered hand in return.
“You are agonizingly beautiful.” Was Bette’s response. Then Bette swallowed hard and nodded. “But all right then. Let’s just be friends. We’ll try that. It won’t work for long, I am pretty sure.”
Helena just shook her head and pulled Bette in for a much needed hug.
Things moved along pretty much as they had before Bette and Helena started making out. Their friends were relieved that a decision had been made, although Alice and Shane heartily disagreed with the path taken.
“Give it some time.” Was Kit’s answer. “Then you’ll both know for sure.”
At the same time, Helena had to ensure Bette flirting with half of Los Angeles wherever they went. To be fair, it wasn’t really Bette’s fault, but still got under Helena’s skin. She couldn’t tell if she was turned on, watching all of it, or just completely and totally jealous.
Helena drank too much after seeing Bette kiss an artist after a night at the gallery.
The next morning, Helena felt like shit for more reasons than one. Her drinking was out of control and it was time to admit that to herself. She had no idea how it might be rectified-she only knew that the AA approach just would not work for her.
“Why not?” Kit asked, days later, as they sat in their Hit Club office. They had been going over their budget when Kit offered Helena a glass of wine, inspiring a rare crying jag from the younger woman.
“I’m an atheist.” Helena shrugged. “Or, agnostic. I most certainly will not credit any gods for my illness nor for my recovery. All I have is my will, my community, and the view from atop my ridiculous heap of money.” She smiled sadly, swirling the tea in her cup around. “I also have tea.”
Kit raised both hands in the air. “It isn’t my decision babe. Do your best. Find your own way. Just let me know how I can help.” She didn’t state the obvious, but pride was written all over her face-she had been waiting for Helena to make a decision like this one.
Helena went away to a yoga retreat, complete with a sauna and a salt-water hot tub in her room, and a total ban on alcohol or drugs. She was even searched upon arrival. She was never lonelier nor more aware of her privilege. The counselor on site had her exploring her loneliness as a central focus of the first two weeks.
Peggy agreed to join Helena for counseling and Alice did as well. It served to strengthen the bonds that Helena had made in her life, but it did nothing to solve the confusion of her relationship with Bette.
“Live well with uncertainty.” Her counselor asked of Helena.
Upon Helena’s return to Los Angeles, she buried herself in the day to day business of running The Planet and The Hit Club. Kit took a much needed vacation.
Alice ran her podcast from The Planet as she had in the past, and with the exception of Jenny-whose absence could be felt daily-it seemed almost like old times.
“Bette is dating some artist.” Alice informed Helena one afternoon when the lunch rush had ended and Helena had time to sit. They were going to do a podcast about the prison system and GLBT and Two-Spirit people within its hold.
Helena said nothing, but got up and made herself a pot of tea.
“Use your words, Helena.” Alice said the moment Helena arrived back at their table.
“I feel sad.” Helena decided. “And I miss Bette.”
“You could tell her that.” Alice squeezed Helena’s hand and nudged Helena’s cell phone across the table.