BSG Fic : Four Times Lee Adama Almost Died (4/4)
Title : Four Times Lee Adama Almost (But Not Quite) Died
Author : Helen C.
Rating : PG-13
Summary : See title. A series of four unrelated, unashamedly H/C, AU ficlets.
Fandom : BSG
Spoilers : Everything aired so far is fair game.
Disclaimer : The characters and the universe were created and are owned by Ronald D. Moore and Universal Television Studios to name but a few. No money is being made. No copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
AN. Many thanks to
joey51 and Mick1997 for their work on this one.
AN2. I'm usually not against constructive criticism, but I really, really like this one. So, if you don't (if, for some reason, you think it doesn't work), please, lie to me.
Four Times Lee Adama Almost (But Not Quite) Died
Helen C.
Time #4
Lee closed his eyes, his grip on the stick tightening.
"Galactica, Apollo. I repeat, I'm losing altitude and power. I-"
He stopped when he heard the static over the comm.. He was busy crashing on an unexplored, potentially hostile planet, and it seemed that his only lifeline with the Fleet had just given up on him. Wonderful.
"Galactica, Apollo. Do you copy?"
Nothing but static.
He tried, again, to regain control of the ship. The last blast had taken out his thrusters and with them, most of his manoeuvrability. He had entered the planet's atmosphere and there was no way he was going to be able to land his bird.
"Galactica, Apollo."
He swallowed nervously as his Viper continued spinning. All of his muscles were strained as he tried to control something, anything-anything had to be better than just sitting here, in nine tons of metal, on a crash course with the ground.
"I'm gonna have to eject soon," he finished. "See you, guys." I hope.
*
He remembered Kara's voice as his bird fell. How resigned, how peaceful she sounded as she headed to what she knew was going to be her death. How it seemed like she had found peace at long last, accepted her destiny.
Lee had never believed in destiny, in prophecy or in the gods. He knew most people assumed he did, because he had followed Roslin when she claimed she had visions, but most people were wrong.
He was a die-hard atheist, a fact that had greatly bothered Kara in the early days of their acquaintance.
"How can you live without believing that there are gods watching over you?"
"How can you live thinking that the gods decide your fate and that you don't have a say in it?" he had shot back, with all the certainty only a nineteen-year-old could muster.
They had glared at each other and not spoken for over a week, and that had pretty much defined their relationship; they were as different as night and day, the only thing uniting them was their love of flying, and, he might as well admit it, it was also what had driven them apart.
He had allowed her to fly when he doubted she was ready and she had died. In turn, her death had pretty much taken all the joy out of flying as far as he was concerned.
Maybe that was why his attention had slipped for two seconds.
Maybe that was why he had been hit.
Maybe that was why he was going to die.
*
"Galactic Fleet, Apollo," he called. "Does anyone copy?"
He didn't expect an answer and didn't get any.
He had gone through the simulations on how to survive these kinds of spinning dives but had never been through it for real. In hindsight, he was glad for the training. He had barfed for half an hour the first time but at least now he was prepared and he knew what to expect and how to react.
Keep thinking.
Don't let panic win, or you're dead.
He gave the stick one final push, found it as unresponsive as it had been since he had been hit and swore.
Survival is all about buying time. Have a long term plan if you can, but if not, just keep breathing for the next minute, and the next, and the next.
Every minute you breathe is a minute you win.
"Galactica, Apollo. Do you copy?"
No response.
He took a deep breath, checked his altimeter and sent a brief prayer to whoever might be listening-was Kara laughing right now? If she had still been alive, she would have had a field day with this.
Fall asleep at the wheel, Apollo? she'd say.
Don't panic.
He pulled the ejection handle.
*
Was Zak scared when he died? Lee wondered as he floated to the ground.
There probably hadn't been time for that. It had happened so fast… Maybe going out in a ball of fire had been more merciful. What do you think, Kara? Blowing up with your ship, or falling to the ground? Make your choice.
Had his brother had one last thought? Anything beyond, "Frak!"? Had he thought that he hadn't expected that when he had woken up in the morning? Had he thought about Lee, about their father, about their mom? About Kara?
See, Kara? All the Adama men think about you when they're dying. How flattered are you?
He could almost hear her cut-the-crap voice. You're not dying, so stop whining and pay attention to what you're doing.
She would have been a terror as a survival instructor in War College.
Did your brains turn to mush when you were hit? Focus, damn it, Apollo.
"Hey, you know what they say," he called out. "It's not the fall that matters." He laughed a little crazily.
You've gone stark raving mad. Great.
He laughed some more, his descent seeming to take forever. Maybe this was what death was, he reflected. Waiting to hit the ground.
He definitely would have preferred an explosion.
"Wouldn't it have been fitting, Kara?" he asked as the ground drew nearer, still smiling through the fear. "You, Zak and me, all gone in a fiery ball of light."
Oh, for…
*
He came to slowly, tangled up in the parachute.
He was painfully thirsty, he had landed on hard rock-apparently, there wasn’t much but hard rock around-and everything hurt. Judging by the sun's position, he had probably been out for hours and he was still alone-well, alone with Kara, who was crouching next to him, frowning in concern.
Damn. Apparently, he hadn't managed to sleep through the hard part. Too bad; he wouldn't have minded waking up in a warm bed in sickbay, considering.
"Is that what it was like for you, when you crashed on that moon?" he asked Kara.
No. She looked at him gently. I knew you were out there looking for me.
"My father must be out there looking for me." But he wasn't here yet, and since the battle against the Cylons had been raging when Lee had been hit, rescue was probably going to take a while coming. It would be here eventually, he told himself. He refused to believe anything else.
Yes. He is. But you're gonna have to help yourself a little, just like I did.
"I know." He still didn't move. "Do you think I'm insane because I talk to you?"
She shrugged. Hey, Baltar talked to himself a lot.
"Yeah." He closed his eyes, snapped them open again. "That's not very reassuring."
She didn't reply and when Lee looked around, she was nowhere to be seen.
If he had to hallucinate, couldn't his brain at least make his surroundings a little more comfortable?
You're gonna have to help yourself.
Right.
He needed to get rid of that parachute, see if the air was breathable, find shelter, try to contact the Fleet. All of which would require moving.
He tried to struggle to his feet, and that was his second mistake of the day.
His own scream was deafening under the helmet, and he blacked out.
*
Adama, in full Admiral mode, stormed into the CIC. "What do we know?"
"He was hit shortly before the last civilian ship jumped, Sir," Helo started. "We tried to reach him but his comm. must have been damaged."
"Or he was… incapacitated," Tigh threw in.
"From what I saw, the canopy held out," Helo said immediately. "So there's a good chance he was still alive."
Bill didn't bother replying to either of them. "What else?"
"Hotdog's the last one who saw Apollo's Viper. He was on a collision course with the planet." Helo met Adama's eyes for the first time since he had started his report. "He's studying possible crash sites with Racetrack now, Sir. But I think he probably ejected and-"
"And we don't know anything about the conditions on the planet," Adama concluded. "So, we won't be able to speculate where he could have landed."
Helo nodded, his face grim. Tigh looked at Adama. "Talk to me again when you have the potential crash sites," he ordered. "In the meantime, send a Raptor back there, on the opposite side of the planet. See if there's still Cylon activity."
Helo snapped a salute and went off.
"It's taking a big risk," Tigh said.
"We'll evaluate the danger before launching the SAR mission," Bill replied. "But we're not leaving one of our men behind if we can help it."
If it was anyone but my son, we wouldn't even be having this discussion.
Saul nodded and followed Helo.
*
"You know, when I said your pain was my entertainment? I didn't mean it," Lee said, blinking back tears of pain.
Wuss, she replied affectionately, and he gasped a laugh as he rested his head on the ground. His fifth stop in half an hour and he had only managed to crawl about forty meters.
He had left the parachute behind, had tried his comm. and found it mute, had spotted what looked like a cave, about two hundred meters from where he was and set out to reach it before the clouds gathering in the sky unleashed rain on him.
It would have gone faster without the broken leg-a compound fracture, no less, that was still seeping blood despite the makeshift bandages Lee had wrapped around it (using pieces of his undershirt and throwing up twice in the process) and that was probably getting infected as he rested.
The day isn't getting any younger, Kara pointed out.
"Shut up," he said tiredly. "You're just a frakking hallucination anyway. You don't get to kick my ass."
No, she admitted, and it crossed his mind that he would rather have heard her argue the point. Kara was dead and wasn't coming back. Apparently, even the one in his head knew that. But when your father finds out you didn't do everything you could to survive, that you sat on your ass and whined, he sure is going to kick it good.
She had a point, so Lee started to crawl again, biting back a scream.
Damn. Even getting shot hadn't hurt that much.
Nothing had ever hurt that much.
I'm just in your head, you know. I won't think any less of you if you yell every once in a while, and it might make you feel better.
Stubbornly, he clenched his teeth.
*
When he reached the cave, night was falling. Rain was falling too, had started to about twenty minutes earlier.
He was freezing despite the flight suit. His whole leg felt like it was on fire, and that couldn't be a good sign.
But you're still breathing, Kara pointed out from the rock where she was sitting. And you reached your goal.
"Today a cave, tomorrow the world," he replied, and they both laughed.
It felt good, and it distracted him from more sinister thoughts.
It had been hours since the attack and the Fleet didn't seem to be back. Lee tried very hard not to think about what it meant-maybe the Cylons were still around, making it impossible to send a SAR mission. Maybe the Fleet assumed he had died when his Viper had been hit. Maybe the Fleet had to deal with other problems before coming back. Maybe-
I was scared too, you know.
"I'm not scared," Lee replied, mostly out of habit. Unbidden, Romo's voice came to him. Serial contrarian.
Kara snorted. Boy, did he have your number...
"Shut up," he said, but he was smiling too. The smile faded as he watched the rain falling. He shivered, clenched his teeth when the motion sent daggers of pain all through his body. "I'm not scared," he repeated.
Sure, you are. It's okay.
He shivered again, frozen to the bone. "Talk to me," he said, closing his eyes.
About what?
"Anything."
For a moment, he couldn't hear her anymore, and his heart rate picked up. What if she had left? Then, she said, laughter in her voice, Oh, remember the time we got Zak drunk and managed to convince him to strip, and his instructor was at the bar?
He laughed shakily, wrapping his arms around himself to try to save some heat.
*
"Did it hurt to die?" he asked, studying his surroundings in the dimming light-not that there was much to see, but it gave him the impression that he was doing something.
How the hell would I know? I'm in your head, remember? Besides, you died once, so you should know.
His hands were shaking. He tried to rub them, even though he knew it had little to do with the cold.
So? Kara asked. Did it hurt?
Lee shot a look outside (still no sign of the Cylons. Maybe they had left, then. The night was falling, so that meant no one would come for him before morning at the earliest, but he could wait until then) trying to remember those endless moments floating in space. "No," he eventually said.
She nodded as if she expected it. My Viper exploded, she said, and she looked sad-sadder than he had ever seen her. It was quick, Lee.
*
It was hard not to think about everything that might happen, alone in the dark. It was hard not to wonder if the Fleet was looking for him, hard not to wonder whether or not they'd be back in time. Hard not to wonder what would happen to his leg, even if they did.
Would he be able to fly again?
Would he be allowed to?
Did he want to?
"Talk to me," he said, again.
What am I, your personal entertainer for the evening? Kara asked, her tone typically stubborn and reluctant.
He didn't insist, didn't waste more energy trying to convince her. She must have sensed he needed to hear her voice. Your father will find you.
"If it's possible, yes," Lee said. But what if it wasn't? What if-?
Stop talking like that. He'll find you and that's it.
"Right." He shifted, mindful of his leg, and grimaced. Hard rock really didn't make a comfortable place to sleep. "Remember when I said the Bucket wasn't nearly as comfortable as the Atlantia, and that I missed my ship?"
No, she said. You never said anything about missing your ship. We never talked about life before the attacks, remember?
"Oh." He shrugged. "Well, anyway, I wouldn't mind being on the Galactica right now."
I know. Me neither.
We wouldn't mind having you back, he thought. We miss you. I miss you.
I know, she said.
His last thought before he fell asleep was, Wait, did I say that out loud?
*
The situation didn't seem any better in the cold light of dawn.
His pulse was too quick and he still couldn't stop shivering.
Yeah, you're running a fever, Kara said helpfully. Her tone was light but he saw the concern in her eyes. His Kara hadn't been like that. Her concern hadn't been so obvious. She had been too repressed, too stubborn to allow it to show.
Hey, you made me up, remember. Your subconscious must be a very strange place, Apollo.
He glared at her, then at his leg. "What do you think it looks like?" She didn't answer and he sighed. "I know, I know, you're in my head."
He didn't want to look.
He really didn't want to look.
You don't have a choice.
"I know that." It couldn't be worse than yesterday, when he had cut off the flight suit around it and seen the break for the first time.
It wouldn't be worse than yesterday.
You suck at giving yourself pep-talks.
"I know. That's why I have you." He reached for the soaked, dirty, bloodied bandages, wondering what Cottle would say to this. He peeled it off his leg and swallowed at the sight of the white bone piercing the skin.
The cave was starting to swim in front of his eyes and he barely managed to turn his head before he threw up, his empty stomach spasming painfully enough that he couldn't hold back a moan.
Aren't you glad you didn't eat yesterday? Kara asked and Lee laughed, hard.
"Yeah," he eventually said.
Maybe you shouldn't have looked at it.
"I thought I didn't have a choice," he retorted.
Yes. Well, maybe you shouldn't have listened to me, then.
"You're insane, you know that, right?"
You're an asshole, you know that, right? Also, I'm not the one having a discussion with a hallucination, so…
He smiled and went back to examining his leg. It was hard to be sure, considering what a mess it was, but he thought he saw red lines seeping in every direction from the wound.
"Thanks, by the way," he said. How much longer did he have before the infection spread too far? How much longer before the rescue came? "For staying last night." Would anyone come, or had he been left behind-yet another pilot missing in action, presumed dead?
What are friends for? she replied, crouching next to him, her hand on his arm.
"I hate waiting," he said. How much longer until his leg was lost?
I know.
"I hate knowing there's nothing I can do." How much longer until the fever killed him?
There is something you can do, and you're doing it right now. Find shelter, dress your wounds-you might want to wrap a fresh bandage around that leg, by the way-and stay alive.
"Bossy, are we?" He started struggling out of his flight suit again.
*
"I hate waiting," Bill whispered.
"We know," Saul replied.
There was nothing else they could do. The rescue op was well under way; several Raptors were patrolling the planet. One of them had reported a crash site already, but from what they could see, the crew thought that the seat was missing. So, there was a good chance that Lee had indeed, ejected-and good thing too, according to the report. There wasn't much left of the Viper.
Now, it was just a matter of finding Lee.
Bill refused to listen to the small voice whispering that it was very much akin to searching for a needle in a hay sack. They'd find his son, because any other option was just too much to contemplate. It didn't matter that Lee could be anywhere. It didn't matter that the comms. were useless on the planet-interference from the mineral deposits in the ground, according to Helo.
They'd find Lee. Period.
"We'll find him," Saul said, echoing his thoughts.
Empty reassurances, now, Saul? You don't even believe what you say, do you?
Saul couldn't meet his eyes and Bill went back to waiting, wishing he was with the pilots looking for his son, instead of here.
*
So, what are you going to do once you get back on the Galactica?
Lee shot her an incredulous look. "I'm thinking get stuck in sickbay for a few weeks," he replied.
Such a lack of imagination.
"Yeah, well, all the imagination in the world isn't going to save my ass if rescue doesn't arrive soon." He closed his eyes. "I'm not getting any better, Kara."
They'll be here.
"How can you be so sure?"
I can see them approaching the cave.
"What?"
"Major?"
Lee turned to the sound, blinking as two figures appeared at the entrance of the cave.
Then, one of them stepped in and Lee breathed a sigh of relief. "Helo?" He barely refrained from asking if he was hallucinating him as well. He didn't want a psych evaluation on top of everything else when he got back to the Galactica.
"Yeah." Helo crouched next to him, grimaced when he saw his leg. "Broken?"
"Yeah." Lee closed his eyes again. I'm not feeling so good.
"I'll get the stretcher," the other pilot-Stinger, it had to be Stinger-said from the entrance to the cave.
"We'll get you out of here in no time, Major," Helo promised.
Lee opened his eyes and looked around, but Kara was nowhere to be found.
"Major?" Helo put a hand on his arm. "I'd ask how you're doing, but…"
"Yeah," he replied distractedly. His vision was getting fuzzy, and the pain in his leg seemed to be growing worse with each breath he took. "Painkillers would be good," he said with a grimace. His own voice sounded like it was coming from underwater, muffled and distorted.
He spotted the grimace of sympathy on Helo's face. "I know."
He heard footsteps getting closer and allowed his eyes to drift shut.
*
Cottle had to wait two days for the infection to clear before bringing him into surgery. By the time Lee was starting to feel coherent enough to notice who was with him in the room, it was time to go under anaesthesia for several hours. He realized he hadn't seen Kara since the cave. Apparently, he only saw her when he was alone and delirious on a deserted planet.
"How do you feel?" his father asked him shortly before the surgery, the first time Lee could remember seeing him since the crash.
"Crap," Lee summed up, and his father smiled sadly.
"It'll get better, eventually," he said.
Lee nodded, too drained to reply.
*
When he truly regained consciousness again, two days later, drugged to the gills, his father was still in the room, talking to Cottle. For a fleeting moment, Lee wondered if he had even left at all.
"Lee," his father said when he saw him staring in his direction.
"Hey," he said.
"How do you feel?" Cottle asked. "Any pain?"
"No." Seeing Cottle's sober face, Lee amended his answer, "Not yet."
Cottle nodded. "We'll keep it manageable," he said, medical talk for, "It's gonna hurt like hell for a while, but you won't pass out from it." Then he retreated.
"He says your leg will probably recover completely, with time," his father offered. "It was bad, but it'll be fine."
"Yeah," Lee said. Did it hurt when you had to stop flying, Dad? I don't feel anything at all. I thought I would, but I don't.
"You'll probably be able to pilot again," his father added.
"That's a lot of probablies." He met his father's eyes. "Come on, Dad. That was my last time piloting a Viper and we both know it."
I got hit because I lost my nerve. It takes a special kind of insanity to pilot a Viper, and I lost it and if I head into battle again in a Viper, I'll kill myself, or someone else. You know that. You've had to ground pilots before.
His father hesitated. "Are you sure that's what you want?"
No, it's not what I want. It's what needs to be done.
His father nodded. "All right."
Lee had been wrong. It did hurt. He swallowed and looked up at the ceiling, suddenly feeling like a piece of him had been torn away. Tell me there's more to life than flying, he silently pleaded.
His father patted his shoulder awkwardly. "I should go and let you sleep." He spun on his heels and headed out. Just as he was reaching the privacy screen, he stopped and turned back to Lee. "You'll probably be stuck with a desk job for a while," he said. "So you have time. Try to think about what you might want to do, son. Command, training, teaching the new recruits… You have choices."
"Thanks," Lee said, feeling dizzy and breathless, like he had just run a race.
"We'll talk more later."
Then, Lee was alone again.
See, things did turn out all right in the end, Kara said, startling him.
Yes, they did.
I'm always right.
No, you're not.
Asshole.
Freak.
He fell asleep with a smile on his lips.
end
Author : Helen C.
Rating : PG-13
Summary : See title. A series of four unrelated, unashamedly H/C, AU ficlets.
Fandom : BSG
Spoilers : Everything aired so far is fair game.
Disclaimer : The characters and the universe were created and are owned by Ronald D. Moore and Universal Television Studios to name but a few. No money is being made. No copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
AN. Many thanks to
joey51 and Mick1997 for their work on this one.
AN2. I'm usually not against constructive criticism, but I really, really like this one. So, if you don't (if, for some reason, you think it doesn't work), please, lie to me.
Four Times Lee Adama Almost (But Not Quite) Died
Helen C.
Time #4
Lee closed his eyes, his grip on the stick tightening.
"Galactica, Apollo. I repeat, I'm losing altitude and power. I-"
He stopped when he heard the static over the comm.. He was busy crashing on an unexplored, potentially hostile planet, and it seemed that his only lifeline with the Fleet had just given up on him. Wonderful.
"Galactica, Apollo. Do you copy?"
Nothing but static.
He tried, again, to regain control of the ship. The last blast had taken out his thrusters and with them, most of his manoeuvrability. He had entered the planet's atmosphere and there was no way he was going to be able to land his bird.
"Galactica, Apollo."
He swallowed nervously as his Viper continued spinning. All of his muscles were strained as he tried to control something, anything-anything had to be better than just sitting here, in nine tons of metal, on a crash course with the ground.
"I'm gonna have to eject soon," he finished. "See you, guys." I hope.
*
He remembered Kara's voice as his bird fell. How resigned, how peaceful she sounded as she headed to what she knew was going to be her death. How it seemed like she had found peace at long last, accepted her destiny.
Lee had never believed in destiny, in prophecy or in the gods. He knew most people assumed he did, because he had followed Roslin when she claimed she had visions, but most people were wrong.
He was a die-hard atheist, a fact that had greatly bothered Kara in the early days of their acquaintance.
"How can you live without believing that there are gods watching over you?"
"How can you live thinking that the gods decide your fate and that you don't have a say in it?" he had shot back, with all the certainty only a nineteen-year-old could muster.
They had glared at each other and not spoken for over a week, and that had pretty much defined their relationship; they were as different as night and day, the only thing uniting them was their love of flying, and, he might as well admit it, it was also what had driven them apart.
He had allowed her to fly when he doubted she was ready and she had died. In turn, her death had pretty much taken all the joy out of flying as far as he was concerned.
Maybe that was why his attention had slipped for two seconds.
Maybe that was why he had been hit.
Maybe that was why he was going to die.
*
"Galactic Fleet, Apollo," he called. "Does anyone copy?"
He didn't expect an answer and didn't get any.
He had gone through the simulations on how to survive these kinds of spinning dives but had never been through it for real. In hindsight, he was glad for the training. He had barfed for half an hour the first time but at least now he was prepared and he knew what to expect and how to react.
Keep thinking.
Don't let panic win, or you're dead.
He gave the stick one final push, found it as unresponsive as it had been since he had been hit and swore.
Survival is all about buying time. Have a long term plan if you can, but if not, just keep breathing for the next minute, and the next, and the next.
Every minute you breathe is a minute you win.
"Galactica, Apollo. Do you copy?"
No response.
He took a deep breath, checked his altimeter and sent a brief prayer to whoever might be listening-was Kara laughing right now? If she had still been alive, she would have had a field day with this.
Fall asleep at the wheel, Apollo? she'd say.
Don't panic.
He pulled the ejection handle.
*
Was Zak scared when he died? Lee wondered as he floated to the ground.
There probably hadn't been time for that. It had happened so fast… Maybe going out in a ball of fire had been more merciful. What do you think, Kara? Blowing up with your ship, or falling to the ground? Make your choice.
Had his brother had one last thought? Anything beyond, "Frak!"? Had he thought that he hadn't expected that when he had woken up in the morning? Had he thought about Lee, about their father, about their mom? About Kara?
See, Kara? All the Adama men think about you when they're dying. How flattered are you?
He could almost hear her cut-the-crap voice. You're not dying, so stop whining and pay attention to what you're doing.
She would have been a terror as a survival instructor in War College.
Did your brains turn to mush when you were hit? Focus, damn it, Apollo.
"Hey, you know what they say," he called out. "It's not the fall that matters." He laughed a little crazily.
You've gone stark raving mad. Great.
He laughed some more, his descent seeming to take forever. Maybe this was what death was, he reflected. Waiting to hit the ground.
He definitely would have preferred an explosion.
"Wouldn't it have been fitting, Kara?" he asked as the ground drew nearer, still smiling through the fear. "You, Zak and me, all gone in a fiery ball of light."
Oh, for…
*
He came to slowly, tangled up in the parachute.
He was painfully thirsty, he had landed on hard rock-apparently, there wasn’t much but hard rock around-and everything hurt. Judging by the sun's position, he had probably been out for hours and he was still alone-well, alone with Kara, who was crouching next to him, frowning in concern.
Damn. Apparently, he hadn't managed to sleep through the hard part. Too bad; he wouldn't have minded waking up in a warm bed in sickbay, considering.
"Is that what it was like for you, when you crashed on that moon?" he asked Kara.
No. She looked at him gently. I knew you were out there looking for me.
"My father must be out there looking for me." But he wasn't here yet, and since the battle against the Cylons had been raging when Lee had been hit, rescue was probably going to take a while coming. It would be here eventually, he told himself. He refused to believe anything else.
Yes. He is. But you're gonna have to help yourself a little, just like I did.
"I know." He still didn't move. "Do you think I'm insane because I talk to you?"
She shrugged. Hey, Baltar talked to himself a lot.
"Yeah." He closed his eyes, snapped them open again. "That's not very reassuring."
She didn't reply and when Lee looked around, she was nowhere to be seen.
If he had to hallucinate, couldn't his brain at least make his surroundings a little more comfortable?
You're gonna have to help yourself.
Right.
He needed to get rid of that parachute, see if the air was breathable, find shelter, try to contact the Fleet. All of which would require moving.
He tried to struggle to his feet, and that was his second mistake of the day.
His own scream was deafening under the helmet, and he blacked out.
*
Adama, in full Admiral mode, stormed into the CIC. "What do we know?"
"He was hit shortly before the last civilian ship jumped, Sir," Helo started. "We tried to reach him but his comm. must have been damaged."
"Or he was… incapacitated," Tigh threw in.
"From what I saw, the canopy held out," Helo said immediately. "So there's a good chance he was still alive."
Bill didn't bother replying to either of them. "What else?"
"Hotdog's the last one who saw Apollo's Viper. He was on a collision course with the planet." Helo met Adama's eyes for the first time since he had started his report. "He's studying possible crash sites with Racetrack now, Sir. But I think he probably ejected and-"
"And we don't know anything about the conditions on the planet," Adama concluded. "So, we won't be able to speculate where he could have landed."
Helo nodded, his face grim. Tigh looked at Adama. "Talk to me again when you have the potential crash sites," he ordered. "In the meantime, send a Raptor back there, on the opposite side of the planet. See if there's still Cylon activity."
Helo snapped a salute and went off.
"It's taking a big risk," Tigh said.
"We'll evaluate the danger before launching the SAR mission," Bill replied. "But we're not leaving one of our men behind if we can help it."
If it was anyone but my son, we wouldn't even be having this discussion.
Saul nodded and followed Helo.
*
"You know, when I said your pain was my entertainment? I didn't mean it," Lee said, blinking back tears of pain.
Wuss, she replied affectionately, and he gasped a laugh as he rested his head on the ground. His fifth stop in half an hour and he had only managed to crawl about forty meters.
He had left the parachute behind, had tried his comm. and found it mute, had spotted what looked like a cave, about two hundred meters from where he was and set out to reach it before the clouds gathering in the sky unleashed rain on him.
It would have gone faster without the broken leg-a compound fracture, no less, that was still seeping blood despite the makeshift bandages Lee had wrapped around it (using pieces of his undershirt and throwing up twice in the process) and that was probably getting infected as he rested.
The day isn't getting any younger, Kara pointed out.
"Shut up," he said tiredly. "You're just a frakking hallucination anyway. You don't get to kick my ass."
No, she admitted, and it crossed his mind that he would rather have heard her argue the point. Kara was dead and wasn't coming back. Apparently, even the one in his head knew that. But when your father finds out you didn't do everything you could to survive, that you sat on your ass and whined, he sure is going to kick it good.
She had a point, so Lee started to crawl again, biting back a scream.
Damn. Even getting shot hadn't hurt that much.
Nothing had ever hurt that much.
I'm just in your head, you know. I won't think any less of you if you yell every once in a while, and it might make you feel better.
Stubbornly, he clenched his teeth.
*
When he reached the cave, night was falling. Rain was falling too, had started to about twenty minutes earlier.
He was freezing despite the flight suit. His whole leg felt like it was on fire, and that couldn't be a good sign.
But you're still breathing, Kara pointed out from the rock where she was sitting. And you reached your goal.
"Today a cave, tomorrow the world," he replied, and they both laughed.
It felt good, and it distracted him from more sinister thoughts.
It had been hours since the attack and the Fleet didn't seem to be back. Lee tried very hard not to think about what it meant-maybe the Cylons were still around, making it impossible to send a SAR mission. Maybe the Fleet assumed he had died when his Viper had been hit. Maybe the Fleet had to deal with other problems before coming back. Maybe-
I was scared too, you know.
"I'm not scared," Lee replied, mostly out of habit. Unbidden, Romo's voice came to him. Serial contrarian.
Kara snorted. Boy, did he have your number...
"Shut up," he said, but he was smiling too. The smile faded as he watched the rain falling. He shivered, clenched his teeth when the motion sent daggers of pain all through his body. "I'm not scared," he repeated.
Sure, you are. It's okay.
He shivered again, frozen to the bone. "Talk to me," he said, closing his eyes.
About what?
"Anything."
For a moment, he couldn't hear her anymore, and his heart rate picked up. What if she had left? Then, she said, laughter in her voice, Oh, remember the time we got Zak drunk and managed to convince him to strip, and his instructor was at the bar?
He laughed shakily, wrapping his arms around himself to try to save some heat.
*
"Did it hurt to die?" he asked, studying his surroundings in the dimming light-not that there was much to see, but it gave him the impression that he was doing something.
How the hell would I know? I'm in your head, remember? Besides, you died once, so you should know.
His hands were shaking. He tried to rub them, even though he knew it had little to do with the cold.
So? Kara asked. Did it hurt?
Lee shot a look outside (still no sign of the Cylons. Maybe they had left, then. The night was falling, so that meant no one would come for him before morning at the earliest, but he could wait until then) trying to remember those endless moments floating in space. "No," he eventually said.
She nodded as if she expected it. My Viper exploded, she said, and she looked sad-sadder than he had ever seen her. It was quick, Lee.
*
It was hard not to think about everything that might happen, alone in the dark. It was hard not to wonder if the Fleet was looking for him, hard not to wonder whether or not they'd be back in time. Hard not to wonder what would happen to his leg, even if they did.
Would he be able to fly again?
Would he be allowed to?
Did he want to?
"Talk to me," he said, again.
What am I, your personal entertainer for the evening? Kara asked, her tone typically stubborn and reluctant.
He didn't insist, didn't waste more energy trying to convince her. She must have sensed he needed to hear her voice. Your father will find you.
"If it's possible, yes," Lee said. But what if it wasn't? What if-?
Stop talking like that. He'll find you and that's it.
"Right." He shifted, mindful of his leg, and grimaced. Hard rock really didn't make a comfortable place to sleep. "Remember when I said the Bucket wasn't nearly as comfortable as the Atlantia, and that I missed my ship?"
No, she said. You never said anything about missing your ship. We never talked about life before the attacks, remember?
"Oh." He shrugged. "Well, anyway, I wouldn't mind being on the Galactica right now."
I know. Me neither.
We wouldn't mind having you back, he thought. We miss you. I miss you.
I know, she said.
His last thought before he fell asleep was, Wait, did I say that out loud?
*
The situation didn't seem any better in the cold light of dawn.
His pulse was too quick and he still couldn't stop shivering.
Yeah, you're running a fever, Kara said helpfully. Her tone was light but he saw the concern in her eyes. His Kara hadn't been like that. Her concern hadn't been so obvious. She had been too repressed, too stubborn to allow it to show.
Hey, you made me up, remember. Your subconscious must be a very strange place, Apollo.
He glared at her, then at his leg. "What do you think it looks like?" She didn't answer and he sighed. "I know, I know, you're in my head."
He didn't want to look.
He really didn't want to look.
You don't have a choice.
"I know that." It couldn't be worse than yesterday, when he had cut off the flight suit around it and seen the break for the first time.
It wouldn't be worse than yesterday.
You suck at giving yourself pep-talks.
"I know. That's why I have you." He reached for the soaked, dirty, bloodied bandages, wondering what Cottle would say to this. He peeled it off his leg and swallowed at the sight of the white bone piercing the skin.
The cave was starting to swim in front of his eyes and he barely managed to turn his head before he threw up, his empty stomach spasming painfully enough that he couldn't hold back a moan.
Aren't you glad you didn't eat yesterday? Kara asked and Lee laughed, hard.
"Yeah," he eventually said.
Maybe you shouldn't have looked at it.
"I thought I didn't have a choice," he retorted.
Yes. Well, maybe you shouldn't have listened to me, then.
"You're insane, you know that, right?"
You're an asshole, you know that, right? Also, I'm not the one having a discussion with a hallucination, so…
He smiled and went back to examining his leg. It was hard to be sure, considering what a mess it was, but he thought he saw red lines seeping in every direction from the wound.
"Thanks, by the way," he said. How much longer did he have before the infection spread too far? How much longer before the rescue came? "For staying last night." Would anyone come, or had he been left behind-yet another pilot missing in action, presumed dead?
What are friends for? she replied, crouching next to him, her hand on his arm.
"I hate waiting," he said. How much longer until his leg was lost?
I know.
"I hate knowing there's nothing I can do." How much longer until the fever killed him?
There is something you can do, and you're doing it right now. Find shelter, dress your wounds-you might want to wrap a fresh bandage around that leg, by the way-and stay alive.
"Bossy, are we?" He started struggling out of his flight suit again.
*
"I hate waiting," Bill whispered.
"We know," Saul replied.
There was nothing else they could do. The rescue op was well under way; several Raptors were patrolling the planet. One of them had reported a crash site already, but from what they could see, the crew thought that the seat was missing. So, there was a good chance that Lee had indeed, ejected-and good thing too, according to the report. There wasn't much left of the Viper.
Now, it was just a matter of finding Lee.
Bill refused to listen to the small voice whispering that it was very much akin to searching for a needle in a hay sack. They'd find his son, because any other option was just too much to contemplate. It didn't matter that Lee could be anywhere. It didn't matter that the comms. were useless on the planet-interference from the mineral deposits in the ground, according to Helo.
They'd find Lee. Period.
"We'll find him," Saul said, echoing his thoughts.
Empty reassurances, now, Saul? You don't even believe what you say, do you?
Saul couldn't meet his eyes and Bill went back to waiting, wishing he was with the pilots looking for his son, instead of here.
*
So, what are you going to do once you get back on the Galactica?
Lee shot her an incredulous look. "I'm thinking get stuck in sickbay for a few weeks," he replied.
Such a lack of imagination.
"Yeah, well, all the imagination in the world isn't going to save my ass if rescue doesn't arrive soon." He closed his eyes. "I'm not getting any better, Kara."
They'll be here.
"How can you be so sure?"
I can see them approaching the cave.
"What?"
"Major?"
Lee turned to the sound, blinking as two figures appeared at the entrance of the cave.
Then, one of them stepped in and Lee breathed a sigh of relief. "Helo?" He barely refrained from asking if he was hallucinating him as well. He didn't want a psych evaluation on top of everything else when he got back to the Galactica.
"Yeah." Helo crouched next to him, grimaced when he saw his leg. "Broken?"
"Yeah." Lee closed his eyes again. I'm not feeling so good.
"I'll get the stretcher," the other pilot-Stinger, it had to be Stinger-said from the entrance to the cave.
"We'll get you out of here in no time, Major," Helo promised.
Lee opened his eyes and looked around, but Kara was nowhere to be found.
"Major?" Helo put a hand on his arm. "I'd ask how you're doing, but…"
"Yeah," he replied distractedly. His vision was getting fuzzy, and the pain in his leg seemed to be growing worse with each breath he took. "Painkillers would be good," he said with a grimace. His own voice sounded like it was coming from underwater, muffled and distorted.
He spotted the grimace of sympathy on Helo's face. "I know."
He heard footsteps getting closer and allowed his eyes to drift shut.
*
Cottle had to wait two days for the infection to clear before bringing him into surgery. By the time Lee was starting to feel coherent enough to notice who was with him in the room, it was time to go under anaesthesia for several hours. He realized he hadn't seen Kara since the cave. Apparently, he only saw her when he was alone and delirious on a deserted planet.
"How do you feel?" his father asked him shortly before the surgery, the first time Lee could remember seeing him since the crash.
"Crap," Lee summed up, and his father smiled sadly.
"It'll get better, eventually," he said.
Lee nodded, too drained to reply.
*
When he truly regained consciousness again, two days later, drugged to the gills, his father was still in the room, talking to Cottle. For a fleeting moment, Lee wondered if he had even left at all.
"Lee," his father said when he saw him staring in his direction.
"Hey," he said.
"How do you feel?" Cottle asked. "Any pain?"
"No." Seeing Cottle's sober face, Lee amended his answer, "Not yet."
Cottle nodded. "We'll keep it manageable," he said, medical talk for, "It's gonna hurt like hell for a while, but you won't pass out from it." Then he retreated.
"He says your leg will probably recover completely, with time," his father offered. "It was bad, but it'll be fine."
"Yeah," Lee said. Did it hurt when you had to stop flying, Dad? I don't feel anything at all. I thought I would, but I don't.
"You'll probably be able to pilot again," his father added.
"That's a lot of probablies." He met his father's eyes. "Come on, Dad. That was my last time piloting a Viper and we both know it."
I got hit because I lost my nerve. It takes a special kind of insanity to pilot a Viper, and I lost it and if I head into battle again in a Viper, I'll kill myself, or someone else. You know that. You've had to ground pilots before.
His father hesitated. "Are you sure that's what you want?"
No, it's not what I want. It's what needs to be done.
His father nodded. "All right."
Lee had been wrong. It did hurt. He swallowed and looked up at the ceiling, suddenly feeling like a piece of him had been torn away. Tell me there's more to life than flying, he silently pleaded.
His father patted his shoulder awkwardly. "I should go and let you sleep." He spun on his heels and headed out. Just as he was reaching the privacy screen, he stopped and turned back to Lee. "You'll probably be stuck with a desk job for a while," he said. "So you have time. Try to think about what you might want to do, son. Command, training, teaching the new recruits… You have choices."
"Thanks," Lee said, feeling dizzy and breathless, like he had just run a race.
"We'll talk more later."
Then, Lee was alone again.
See, things did turn out all right in the end, Kara said, startling him.
Yes, they did.
I'm always right.
No, you're not.
Asshole.
Freak.
He fell asleep with a smile on his lips.
end