OC Drabble : Doomed
Disclaimer : They don't belong to me, sadly.
Spoilers : obviously, everything up to The Dearly Beloved
And as usual, eternal gratitude to joey51, who took the time to beta this.
Doomed
1.
Every discussion Ryan has with Sandy follows the same pattern, ever since the-night-when-the-Atwood-brothers-went-berserk.
"Are you all right?"
"I'm fine."
Or,
"If you want to talk--"
"Yeah. Thanks."
And Ryan beats a hasty retreat, leaving Sandy standing there, looking frustrated and lost and more than a little hurt, and Ryan feels terrible because he certainly never intended to hurt anyone, but apparently, Atwoods can't help hurting people.
There was a year of drama, culminating with Theresa and a baby, and now, another year later, there's this, which is even worse and more devastating.
Ryan just wants Sandy to go back to being dorky and gently inquisitive, instead of being this wreck of worry and pain. What would Sandy say, if he knew everything?
Ryan has told Sandy that he and Trey got into a fight, and that, yes, Ryan instigated it, and that it got out of hand.
He knows he should have said, "I got out of hand."
After years of controlling it, Ryan unleashed all his rage, all his anger, all his pent-up frustration on Trey. And he doesn't sleep at night anymore, because he knows that if Trey hadn't gotten the upper hand, Ryan wouldn't have stopped hitting until Trey was dead.
For two years, Ryan actually allowed himself to believe that he could be someone different -- someone better than the rest of his family, someone who didn't beat the shit out of anyone else, for any reason.
Even Luke and Oliver didn't shatter this newfound hope.
After all, Sandy is a trustworthy guy, and if he said that Ryan wasn't doomed to become another selfish, abusive *monster,* then, certainly, he was right.
Except, obviously, he was wrong, and Ryan will never, ever tell him that. He can stand Sandy looking disappointed, hurt, disapproving, but he couldn't stand Sandy looking scared of him, and he certainly couldn't stand it if Sandy tried to distance himself and his family from Ryan and Ryan's anger and Ryan's Issues -- all the ugly issues he carries with him everywhere he goes -- and Ryan's violent tendencies.
When he looks at his reflection now, Ryan doesn't see himself anymore. He sees Trey, his father, Dawn and every single fucking boyfriend she ever brought home. Ryan used to think of them as losers, bullies, and now he feels dirty and ashamed at having joined the club of the abusive jerks.
His thoughts are whirling in his head, the gun, the smirk on Trey's face, the desperation in his eyes, the shock when Ryan screamed and lunged at him, the fury that followed.
He'd do anything to stop the endless spiral.
So, when Sandy comes into the poolhouse, carrying a bottle of whiskey, Ryan laughs a little and asks, "Are you serious?" And when it appears as though Sandy is, indeed, serious, Ryan grabs the bottle and takes a healthy swallow without even bothering with a glass. He tries not to be proud that he doesn't even choke, and prays for oblivion.
2.
"Shit, I wish the stuff worked better," Ryan says, his words still clear.
Sandy can't believe he actually did this, getting a teenager drunk so that he can loosen up a little and hopefully start talking, and he knows he's going to hell for it, but if it works, it'll be worth it.
Ryan has never been like any other teenager Sandy has known, and clearly, the situation calls for unorthodox methods.
It can't be a good thing that Ryan needs alcohol to start talking; certainly, it's yet another sign that the kid is shutting everyone out, but Sandy will worry about that later. One problem at a time, Kirsten would say, and when she's not sinking into depression, she's a wise woman whose advice Sandy treasures.
So, part one of the plan, getting Ryan drunk, is working.
Hoping part two will be equally successful, Sandy waits, prays that the alcohol won't make Ryan black out before he reaches the talking stage, and wonders if Ryan will ever forgive Sandy for the hangover.
"I tried to kill him," Ryan says at last.
He sounds surprised and sad and defeated, and Sandy schools his face into neutrality mere seconds before Ryan sends one of his trademark sideways glances his way.
Ryan goes on talking, incoherently, about AJ and Trey and a man named John and another named Pedro, and how Ryan, deep down, is really no better than these jerks.
Ryan talks about how he feels angry all the time when he thinks about his family, how he can't control himself anymore, and the unspoken, "Will you still love me after all this?" causes Sandy to put a hand on Ryan's shoulder.
Lawyer-like, because at this point, Ryan needs cold facts and not cuddling, Sandy asks, "Did you ever want to hit Seth?"
Ryan looks horrified at the mere thought.
"Did you ever want to hit me? Or Kirsten? Did you ever try to rape someone? Did you even think of raping someone?"
There are tears running down Ryan's cheeks as he shakes his head.
Sandy knows that "You're a good kid who had a crappy life," probably won't work here. So, he opts for the truth.
"Yes, you attacked Trey. And I'm sure that Marissa was only one of the reasons why you did it. And we'll need to talk about that, eventually, and these classes of anger management we never made you attend because you didn't seem ready?"
Ryan isn't crying anymore, just listening, eyes downcast. Sandy goes on, "Screw ready, free your Monday afternoons."
Ryan almost smiles. Almost.
So Sandy goes on talking, trying to find the right words -- the words that will convince Ryan that he's still the same boy he was last month, even though he's not, and that he will always be loved here.
Ryan falls asleep halfway through Sandy's tirade, his head rolling on Sandy's shoulder, the bottle still clutched in one hand, and for the first time in days, Sandy feels hopeful.
3.
They say it at the same time, "I'm sorry," and grimace when their words collide.
Marissa chews on her lower lip, Ryan looks down.
He vaguely notices Sandy, Julie and Jimmy retreating to the kitchen but most of his attention is on Marissa.
They start talking at the same time again, "Thank you."
Ryan sighs; Marissa blushes.
Communication between them was never a foolproof process, and of course, Trey didn't make things better.
***
"I'm going to a therapist," Marissa announces. "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder." She grimaces as if the thought was offensive and Ryan wonders how come he's never suffered from that one, given his past, then decides that perhaps piling up issues on top of the ones he already has isn't a good idea.
"Anger management," he says neutrally.
Marissa looks surprised and he sighs again. "Don't… say anything."
The corners of her mouth twitch slightly, and it's the closest to a smile he's seen from her in days.
It's good to know that he can still make her smile.
***
"I didn't want you to know," Marissa says.
"Because you knew I was going to…" The words "Try to kill him" catch in his throat and he chokes on them. He probably won't say kill innocently ever again, but that's an acceptable consequence of all this mess. One of the very few acceptable consequences.
"Because I didn't want you to be disappointed again," she corrects.
He shrugs. "It's my family. I always end up disappointed."
Except now, he's also disappointed in himself, and that's new, and even more unpleasant.
***
Marissa takes his hand. "I'm the one who told you to give him another chance."
"It's Trey. I should have known better." Ryan's tone is cold but the anger is mostly directed at himself, because really, he's seventeen and he should stop believing in fairy tales and happy endings.
At least, back in Chino, he was the only one getting hurt. Here, now, with his new family, he has to be more careful, and damnit, he should have known better.
***
"Will you be all right?" Marissa asks, as she and her parents get ready to leave.
"Will you?" he shoots back.
"In time," Sandy says, to both of them.
***
"I'm sorry," Ryan says when the Coopers gone. "You didn't need all that, on top of Kirsten."
Sandy takes a hold of his shoulder, pulls him close. "Neither did you," he says gently. "Neither did you."
Ryan isn't sure what to say to this, because really, when has what he needed ever mattered?
"We'll get through this," Sandy promises. "Like we went through all the rest."
Through Luke and Oliver and social workers and Dawn and fights and Theresa.
Ryan doesn't think he has ever been more tired in his life.
"Let us help you," Sandy says. "You don't have to do this alone."
Ryan nods, since he doesn't have it in him to do it alone, and right now, he needs Sandy's support more than he has ever needed anything.
END
Spoilers : obviously, everything up to The Dearly Beloved
And as usual, eternal gratitude to joey51, who took the time to beta this.
Doomed
1.
Every discussion Ryan has with Sandy follows the same pattern, ever since the-night-when-the-Atwood-brothers-went-berserk.
"Are you all right?"
"I'm fine."
Or,
"If you want to talk--"
"Yeah. Thanks."
And Ryan beats a hasty retreat, leaving Sandy standing there, looking frustrated and lost and more than a little hurt, and Ryan feels terrible because he certainly never intended to hurt anyone, but apparently, Atwoods can't help hurting people.
There was a year of drama, culminating with Theresa and a baby, and now, another year later, there's this, which is even worse and more devastating.
Ryan just wants Sandy to go back to being dorky and gently inquisitive, instead of being this wreck of worry and pain. What would Sandy say, if he knew everything?
Ryan has told Sandy that he and Trey got into a fight, and that, yes, Ryan instigated it, and that it got out of hand.
He knows he should have said, "I got out of hand."
After years of controlling it, Ryan unleashed all his rage, all his anger, all his pent-up frustration on Trey. And he doesn't sleep at night anymore, because he knows that if Trey hadn't gotten the upper hand, Ryan wouldn't have stopped hitting until Trey was dead.
For two years, Ryan actually allowed himself to believe that he could be someone different -- someone better than the rest of his family, someone who didn't beat the shit out of anyone else, for any reason.
Even Luke and Oliver didn't shatter this newfound hope.
After all, Sandy is a trustworthy guy, and if he said that Ryan wasn't doomed to become another selfish, abusive *monster,* then, certainly, he was right.
Except, obviously, he was wrong, and Ryan will never, ever tell him that. He can stand Sandy looking disappointed, hurt, disapproving, but he couldn't stand Sandy looking scared of him, and he certainly couldn't stand it if Sandy tried to distance himself and his family from Ryan and Ryan's anger and Ryan's Issues -- all the ugly issues he carries with him everywhere he goes -- and Ryan's violent tendencies.
When he looks at his reflection now, Ryan doesn't see himself anymore. He sees Trey, his father, Dawn and every single fucking boyfriend she ever brought home. Ryan used to think of them as losers, bullies, and now he feels dirty and ashamed at having joined the club of the abusive jerks.
His thoughts are whirling in his head, the gun, the smirk on Trey's face, the desperation in his eyes, the shock when Ryan screamed and lunged at him, the fury that followed.
He'd do anything to stop the endless spiral.
So, when Sandy comes into the poolhouse, carrying a bottle of whiskey, Ryan laughs a little and asks, "Are you serious?" And when it appears as though Sandy is, indeed, serious, Ryan grabs the bottle and takes a healthy swallow without even bothering with a glass. He tries not to be proud that he doesn't even choke, and prays for oblivion.
2.
"Shit, I wish the stuff worked better," Ryan says, his words still clear.
Sandy can't believe he actually did this, getting a teenager drunk so that he can loosen up a little and hopefully start talking, and he knows he's going to hell for it, but if it works, it'll be worth it.
Ryan has never been like any other teenager Sandy has known, and clearly, the situation calls for unorthodox methods.
It can't be a good thing that Ryan needs alcohol to start talking; certainly, it's yet another sign that the kid is shutting everyone out, but Sandy will worry about that later. One problem at a time, Kirsten would say, and when she's not sinking into depression, she's a wise woman whose advice Sandy treasures.
So, part one of the plan, getting Ryan drunk, is working.
Hoping part two will be equally successful, Sandy waits, prays that the alcohol won't make Ryan black out before he reaches the talking stage, and wonders if Ryan will ever forgive Sandy for the hangover.
"I tried to kill him," Ryan says at last.
He sounds surprised and sad and defeated, and Sandy schools his face into neutrality mere seconds before Ryan sends one of his trademark sideways glances his way.
Ryan goes on talking, incoherently, about AJ and Trey and a man named John and another named Pedro, and how Ryan, deep down, is really no better than these jerks.
Ryan talks about how he feels angry all the time when he thinks about his family, how he can't control himself anymore, and the unspoken, "Will you still love me after all this?" causes Sandy to put a hand on Ryan's shoulder.
Lawyer-like, because at this point, Ryan needs cold facts and not cuddling, Sandy asks, "Did you ever want to hit Seth?"
Ryan looks horrified at the mere thought.
"Did you ever want to hit me? Or Kirsten? Did you ever try to rape someone? Did you even think of raping someone?"
There are tears running down Ryan's cheeks as he shakes his head.
Sandy knows that "You're a good kid who had a crappy life," probably won't work here. So, he opts for the truth.
"Yes, you attacked Trey. And I'm sure that Marissa was only one of the reasons why you did it. And we'll need to talk about that, eventually, and these classes of anger management we never made you attend because you didn't seem ready?"
Ryan isn't crying anymore, just listening, eyes downcast. Sandy goes on, "Screw ready, free your Monday afternoons."
Ryan almost smiles. Almost.
So Sandy goes on talking, trying to find the right words -- the words that will convince Ryan that he's still the same boy he was last month, even though he's not, and that he will always be loved here.
Ryan falls asleep halfway through Sandy's tirade, his head rolling on Sandy's shoulder, the bottle still clutched in one hand, and for the first time in days, Sandy feels hopeful.
3.
They say it at the same time, "I'm sorry," and grimace when their words collide.
Marissa chews on her lower lip, Ryan looks down.
He vaguely notices Sandy, Julie and Jimmy retreating to the kitchen but most of his attention is on Marissa.
They start talking at the same time again, "Thank you."
Ryan sighs; Marissa blushes.
Communication between them was never a foolproof process, and of course, Trey didn't make things better.
***
"I'm going to a therapist," Marissa announces. "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder." She grimaces as if the thought was offensive and Ryan wonders how come he's never suffered from that one, given his past, then decides that perhaps piling up issues on top of the ones he already has isn't a good idea.
"Anger management," he says neutrally.
Marissa looks surprised and he sighs again. "Don't… say anything."
The corners of her mouth twitch slightly, and it's the closest to a smile he's seen from her in days.
It's good to know that he can still make her smile.
***
"I didn't want you to know," Marissa says.
"Because you knew I was going to…" The words "Try to kill him" catch in his throat and he chokes on them. He probably won't say kill innocently ever again, but that's an acceptable consequence of all this mess. One of the very few acceptable consequences.
"Because I didn't want you to be disappointed again," she corrects.
He shrugs. "It's my family. I always end up disappointed."
Except now, he's also disappointed in himself, and that's new, and even more unpleasant.
***
Marissa takes his hand. "I'm the one who told you to give him another chance."
"It's Trey. I should have known better." Ryan's tone is cold but the anger is mostly directed at himself, because really, he's seventeen and he should stop believing in fairy tales and happy endings.
At least, back in Chino, he was the only one getting hurt. Here, now, with his new family, he has to be more careful, and damnit, he should have known better.
***
"Will you be all right?" Marissa asks, as she and her parents get ready to leave.
"Will you?" he shoots back.
"In time," Sandy says, to both of them.
***
"I'm sorry," Ryan says when the Coopers gone. "You didn't need all that, on top of Kirsten."
Sandy takes a hold of his shoulder, pulls him close. "Neither did you," he says gently. "Neither did you."
Ryan isn't sure what to say to this, because really, when has what he needed ever mattered?
"We'll get through this," Sandy promises. "Like we went through all the rest."
Through Luke and Oliver and social workers and Dawn and fights and Theresa.
Ryan doesn't think he has ever been more tired in his life.
"Let us help you," Sandy says. "You don't have to do this alone."
Ryan nods, since he doesn't have it in him to do it alone, and right now, he needs Sandy's support more than he has ever needed anything.
END