Ally McBeal Fic: Untitled
Untitled
Author : Helen C.
Rating : G
Summary : Post-series. Ally runs into Larry.
Spoilers : The whole show
Disclaimer : The characters and the universe were created and are owned by David E. Kelley and a bunch of others. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Acknowledgements : Many thanks to loracj, who beta'd this story for me.
AN. I'm blaming a discussion I had with
silverweave for this one. Yeah. I do.
AN2. A quick summary of the show-obviously, don't read it if you don't want to be spoiled.
Ally McBeal was a lawyer living in Boston and looking for a man. She met Larry. They fell in love, despite the fact that she was highly neurotic and he had a lot of baggage (in the form of: Helena, an ex-wife living in Boston; Sam, his son, living in Detroit with Jamie, the mother, with whom Larry had a pretty complicated relationship).
His son, Sam, wasn't doing so well, so Larry went briefly to Detroit, leaving Ally with a note saying, "I'll be back." He later came back, having decided he couldn't live without Ally.
Things were going well, but then Robert Downey Jr. got arrested and David E. Kelley wrote Larry off the show in a very stupid way-Larry planned to propose to Ally, but he messed it up, saw it as a bad omen and decided to talk to his ex-wife about it. Ally saw the two of them talking, dumped ice cream and whipped cream all over Larry's head (I shit you not) and left in a huff. Larry tried to talk to her, but then, and I'm not too sure how it happened, they kind of broke up.
She later got flowers and a note saying, "I love you, goodbye."
After that, season 5 happened. It was incredibly awful, but since it's relevant to the fic: when she was a student, Ally "donated some of egg cells for science". They were used without her knowledge, and in S5, her ten-year-old daughter, Maddie, showed up on her doorstep, wanting a relationship.
Surprise!
Ally got custody (yes, yes, it both sucks and is very, very unbelievable. It was S5. I wanted to wash my brain with soap a lot of the time, during S5).
At the end of the season, Maddie got depressed because she missed her old life and her friends. To make it better, Ally moved to her old town with her, in New York (where Maddie used to live).
And that's where we are now...
Untitled
Helen C.
1.
Ally does the "responsible adult" thing as well as she can.
She thought it would be difficult to get settled in a new town, but it turns out it's actually quite easy, once she breaks it down into simple, manageable steps.
She finds a place to live.
She enrolls Maddie in school and finds a doctor who'll treat her depression.
She finds a job at a law firm-a soulless, thankless job that pays the rent and keeps her working too long hours, but what has to be done has to be done.
She buys furniture and groceries.
She makes sure that Maddie goes to school. Gets treatment. Has a social life. Gets good grades. Feels comfortable in her new surroundings.
She cries every time she calls Renee, Elaine or John but she does so discreetly, so that Maddie won't see it, won't even suspect.
She tries not to think about everything she has lost.
She tries to focus on what she has gained-a daughter.
The most important thing in her world.
*
Maddie tells her, "You work way too hard," and "I never meant for you to be alone," and "You should try to meet someone," and "Please, maybe you'd be happier here if you did."
Ally always replies that she doesn't need a man. No woman should ever need a man and right now, her priorities lie elsewhere.
It's true.
She doesn't have time for anyone or anything else in her life. Her days are spent in constant motion-get up, wake Maddie, shower, breakfast, drop Maddie at school, go to work, come back home, help Maddie with her homework, eat something, watch a movie, go to bed.
Relationships take work. Where would she find the time or the energy to nurture one right now?
"I'm fine," she tells Maddie. "Just worry about yourself. Things will settle down eventually. What will be, will be."
*
The truth is, Ally has never been more lonely.
The truth is, she misses being with someone-not the awkwardness of the first date, or overthinking every little detail, or the desperate hunt for somebody to love, or the heartache when it all ends-but having someone near her. Having someone to share her life and her dreams and her hopes and her neuroses with.
The truth is, while she doesn't need a man in her life, she wants one.
*
Life goes on.
Ally adjusts to New York, gets used to being a single mother, her new job and her new apartment.
Maddie settles in, gains some weight as her appetite increases, makes good grades once she stops being tired all the time.
Renee calls once a week, gives her the latest gossip on life in Boston, tells her wild stories about Richard and Ling and John that Ally wouldn't believe if she hadn't known them for years.
"When are you coming to visit?" Renee asks, every single time.
"Soon," Ally replies. "I miss you guys."
And she does miss them… more than she would have expected to, which is precisely why she stays in New York, working on making her life her own, instead of living as a stranger to herself.
*
Life goes on.
It's not spectacular, she doesn't feel as alive as she did while she was working at Cage and Fish, but at least, she doesn't hurt.
She just wishes she didn't feel so empty.
2.
They bump into each other (literally) on the steps to the courthouse.
Ally's walking with her head down, as close to running as her skirt and heels will allow while doing some last-minute reading on her file she's carrying.
When she sees the dark shape in front of her, it's too late to stop.
"I'm sorry," she calls out before she even hits him.
He yelps and she feels something hot hitting her left sleeve-coffee, it's coffee, damn it, she hasn't had her third cup yet and she feels like she's going into withdrawal-and she raises her head, repeating, "Sorry, I'm-" and the words catch in her throat.
He surveys the damage (most of the coffee landed on him), a wry smile of recognition frozen on his face.
"Oh," she says, even though deep down, for some reason, she's not that surprised.
She always thought (hoped) that they would see each other again. But she always assumed it would happen in Boston, even though he had left for Detroit right after their break-up.
He brushes the front of his coat absently, spreading the coffee even more, blinking at her.
"Hi," he says, his voice just like she remembered it-deep and drawling, and suddenly, she wants to hear him say more, wants to hear him talking with that weird rhythm, those slightly clipped sentences that she loved and that she hadn't even realized she missed until now.
"Um," she replies.
"Yes."
He tilts his head slightly to the side and that gesture, too, is so familiar, so much like she remembered, that it's like he left yesterday, like she never dealt with the pain, like she never grieved for that relationship and moved on.
Like I still love him, she thinks and banishes the thought before it can take hold in her mind.
He takes a deep breath, releases it in the brisk November air, closes his eyes and says, "I'm sure we can do better than that." He chuckles in a slightly self-conscious, wary way, and she can't even guess what he must be thinking.
He didn't like talking about feelings, she remembers. He didn't like things to be spelled out for him. He preferred to read body language, watch for clues and listen to intonations, trying to figure everything out for himself.
She, on the other hand, has always liked things to be clear.
What is he thinking right now?
I love you.
I missed you.
Let's have sex.
"I'm late," she blurts out.
He shakes himself, nodding, "Right. Right. So am I, actually."
Did you miss me?
Do you still love me?
She's a bit disappointed when he picks up the now empty coffee cup on the ground, checking his watch.
Is it really you?
"Let's…" He rubs his eyes, frowning. "Damn," he mutters, then adds, "If I give you my number, will you call?"
She nods without thinking and he pushes a card in her hand, then she stares as he walks away, looking like he'd rather stay with her for the rest of the day.
Or maybe she's projecting her own feelings unto him.
She has been known to do that, from time to time.
She gets to the courtroom, delivers her closing argument, waits until the defense completes theirs, and goes to the nearest bathroom, where she contemplates her reflection in the mirror.
Has she changed-and if so, has she changed enough?
Has he changed?
Are things different enough that this time, they won't fail miserably?
She can hear Renee as if her friend was standing here with her. You're thinking too much. You're getting ahead of yourself. You're already seeing yourself walking down the aisle with him, when you've exchanged all of three words.
"Forty words," Ally says aloud in the deserted bathroom. "Give or take."
Renee has nothing to add to that.
*
Elaine asks, "How does he look?"
Renee asks, "Well, are you going to call him?"
John asks, "How do you feel?"
Ally says, "I don't know."
*
In the end, after a week of watching her pacing in their living room, agonizing about a decision she feels ill-equipped to make, Maddie places the call then throws the phone at her and goes to her room.
"You'll thank me later," she calls.
And then, Ally's listening to Larry, who's saying, "Hello?"
She regroups enough to say, "Hi."
She's a lawyer.
She gets paid to talk.
"I was wondering if you were going to call," Larry says.
"You could have called me."
"I thought…" He trails off and she can picture him as he's looking for words, trying to keep up with his own thoughts, and with her.
There isn't a lot of body language to be analyzed over a phone conversation.
Does he feel as confused as she does?
"Considering how things ended, I wanted to…" he adds, before stopping again.
He was always better at talking in a courtroom than he was at talking with her.
"I tracked down your number at your firm," he finally says. "I had given you until Friday night to make up your mind." He sounds more confident, now. More like the man she remembers and less like a stranger she just met on the street. "Would you agree to have a drink with me?"
Ally looks up to see Maddie watching her from the doorway, looking like she's torn between a smile and a frown. "I don't know."
"Only you can answer that," he points out. Putting the ball in her court.
Decisions.
Always decisions to make.
"A lot has happened." She points out, then says, "Yes." Because it's what she wanted all along anyway.
Maddie pumps her fist up and down and victory. Ally throws a pillow in her direction, then has to explain to Larry why he just heard a pile of books and two glasses falling on the floor, while Maddie laughs at her, hugging the pillow to her chest.
3.
They're out of synch.
They start sentences at the same moment, their words bumping halfway across the table, the awkwardness like a living thing between them.
For the first time in over a year, she feels the weight of what they lost, and she wonders how long she can bear it.
It used to be so easy, for a little while, to just talk to him.
She wants that feeling back.
But does he? she wonders. She hasn't even checked that he's not married yet. Well, okay, she did check for a wedding ring when they first sat down.
Okay, fine.
She checked when they first saw each other on the steps to the courthouse.
But the lack of a wedding ring means nothing nowadays.
A silence stretches between them while all around, people are chatting, laughing or yelling, and she bets that ninety percent of these conversations are couples starting and ending.
She hasn't dated in months. She's out of practice.
But then, it's Larry.
This shouldn't be so hard.
"You'd think we'd be able to do better," he says, echoing her thoughts. "Considering."
She's so pathetically grateful that they seem to be on the same wavelength that she smiles, for the first time since they sat. "You'd think."
He leans back in his chair and she wonders what he sees when he looks at her.
Is it longing in his eyes? Sadness? Anger?
Damn it.
He's the one who's usually good at reading people and situations.
She always needed to be hit over the head repeatedly with obvious facts.
She wants him to tell her exactly what he thinks, here and now, to make things less confusing.
"What are you doing in New York?" he asks.
And she realizes that the answer to that is going to be complicated, because their lives are complicated, full of entanglements and obligations.
It's never going to be easy but Maddie is right about one thing. Ally would feel happier if she had someone to share things with, and the only way to do that is to try.
"My daughter is from here," she says.
He's surprised, she can tell that much. He doesn't reply though, just takes off his glasses and sets them on the table, the way he used to when the conversation turned serious.
"She came to Boston to live with me but she was suffering from depression, so I came here with her. She's doing better now."
He takes a sip of his drink. "You have a daughter," he states. At her nod, he adds, "A daughter who's old enough to suffer from depression."
"It's a long, complicated story."
"I would assume so."
In the dim light of the bar, it's hard to tell whether he's amused, angry or just surprised.
And since they seem to be in serious mode, she asks, "What about you? How's Sam?"
His face lights up at the mention of his son and she feels a pang. One of the things she loved most about him was the way he loved his son, how great a father he was, even though he lived such a distance from Sam.
Still.
It hurts that he left Boston to be with him after they broke up, instead of trying to fix things with her.
It hurts that he has this family to consider whenever he makes a choice.
"Sam's great. He's…" He looks away for a brief moment then focuses on her again. "I know every parent says that, but he's just… you know."
She nods.
And Jamie? she thinks. What about Jamie?
Apparently, he's grown psychic since the last time they saw each other, because he says, "He's living in New York. That's why I'm here. Jamie got a job here and there was nothing holding me to Detroit, so I followed." He looks her in the eye. "We're not living together. We never did."
*
Later, he hails a cab for her and holds the door open. His other hand lingers a little too long at the small of her back. As she's climbing in, he holds fast to her arm and pulls her to him.
"I'm sorry. I got scared. But if I had tried to say goodbye to you, I'd never have left. And I don't think either of us was ready, back then."
He releases her arm and is gone before she can reply.
*
The next day, she gets flowers. Maddie gushes over them as Ally reads the card.
"If you don't call me, I'll call you. Whether or not you hang up on me is entirely up to you. Larry."
*
Renee says, a bit snidely, "He just loves writing notes, doesn't he?"
John asks, "Are you going to call him?"
Elaine asks, "Is he still… you know?"
Ally replies, "Yes."
4.
They meet a couple of times a week-for drinks and for meals, for the occasional cup of coffee between two audiences in court.
Ally learns that Helena is still in Boston and he hasn't been in touch with her since he left.
She learns that Jamie met someone and they're getting married next spring.
She learns that Sam is still the same bright-eyed, world-weary kid she met two years ago-he'll be just like his father when he grows up, she can tell, and she can't help feeling happy that he didn't take more after his mother.
An ugly thought, but she could never bring herself to like Jamie. The woman may be a part of Larry's life forever, but that doesn't mean that Ally has to enjoy it.
*
"I wish I could be a better father," Larry tells her one night. Sam has gotten into a fight at school and Larry has just come back from a parent-teacher conference. He looks tired and oddly defeated.
Ally would laugh at him if she could, because he already sacrificed so much for his son. The one thing about him she never doubted was that he would always put Sam first, and everything else-be it his career, a needy girlfriend or a conniving mother-of-his-child-a distant second.
She doesn't laugh though.
She knows where his words are coming from, and she understands a lot more about the guilt of missing several years of your child's life now than she did two years ago.
So instead, she takes his hand and asks, "Haven't you ever gotten into a fight at school?"
"Well, yes," he says. "But my home life wasn't so nice either."
She shakes her head. "You're a wonderful father," she says. "And you're here for him and he knows it. He's a kid. Sometimes, they just do stupid things."
So do adults, she thinks but doesn't add. So did we.
*
She tells him more about Maddie-how the kid just showed up one day, knocked on the door, introduced herself and changed everything in Ally's life with just a few sentences.
"You told me once that when I had kids, no matter how much I thought I was prepared, I'd still be astonished by my capacity to love someone," she says.
He looks at her, glasses at his side, his whole attention on her-he was always a good listener. "And you didn't have time to prepare."
"Well, is anyone ever ready?" she asks, even though she suspects the answer.
He looks at Sam, asleep on the couch, and says, "Probably not."
*
Maddie, of course, adores Larry-and, if Ally isn't mistaken, starts crushing on him about four minutes after meeting him.
Not that Ally's one to talk.
Larry, of course, takes it in stride and within an hour, they're all eating take-out and joking about Maddie's math teacher and Larry's client and Ally's colleagues and the people at Cage and Fish.
Ally wishes she could go back in time, to the first months of her relationship with Larry, back in Boston, back when life was simpler, back when they didn't have so much baggage and so much history to deal with.
But of course, back then, she didn't have Maddie.
Difficult as things are now, she wouldn't change that part of her life for anything.
*
"You guys lost a lot of time," John says when she calls him later that week. "But it's not too late."
"I think I still love him." It's the first time she says it out loud and her voice breaks a little.
"Does he still love you?"
"He hasn't said so." Not in so many words.
"But he does," John says, and it's not really a question.
Was there really ever a doubt?
Love was never a problem between them.
Communication, trust and their own complicated pasts, those were the things that brought them down.
And until they take a chance, until they try again, they won't know for sure whether or not they're strong enough to succeed this time.
5.
They take things even more slowly than the first time around-and back then, she was a mess, spending her time wondering whether or not this was normal-was it a sign that he was so interested that he was willing to take it slow or was it a sign that he wasn't interested at all?
She read so many books, watched so many tapes about the way to have a relationship with a man, and in the end, she can't help feeling that it was all for nothing, because with Larry, none of that stuff has ever helped.
She has never felt more challenged, more insecure than she does with this man.
Why didn't he kiss her after their first date?
Why haven't they slept together yet? It's been two months, damn it!
Why does he hesitate before taking her hand in the street?
Whywhywhy?
"It's just… We're taking it slow," she tells Renee.
Renee, of course, has always been able to read right through Ally's false cheer. "Too slow?"
"I don't know, I just… It's like he's scared of me."
"Well, you've both been burned."
They have.
And maybe, probably, that's why.
But still.
"I want it to work," Ally says. I want it so, so badly-more than anything else in my life.
"Then, it will," Renee replies, even though they both know that it's not that simple.
*
She invites him over to her place the next night. Insists for as long as it takes, almost losing patience.
Maddie is at her friend's place for the night, and Ally has decided to get it over with-whether it is sex or just a talk about it isn't very clear in her mind.
"Is there something wrong?" he asks when they've drunk coffee and laughed in front of a Chaplin movie.
"Of course not," she replies, too brightly.
He looks at her and she can tell he's not fooled. "You constantly seem like you're about to say something and then changing your mind, so…" He gives her a half-teasing, half-serious smile. "You want to break up?"
The tone is light but she can hear the uncertainty behind.
He did tell her once that he was just as terrified as she was. Maybe that hasn't changed either-and that's yet another thing she loves about him; he's not scared of admitting that he's scared.
Has anyone else ever done her the courtesy of such heartfelt honesty-just so she would feel a little less alone in her fear?
"No," she says. "I don't. I just…"
He takes off his glasses and smiles and she falls in love with him all over again, like she keeps doing several times a day. "Is slow a problem?" he asks.
She blurts it out before she thinks. "Slow isn't. I'm just scared we've come to a dead stop."
He takes that in, thinking about his reply and she can tell he's nervous in the way he gets up from the couch and goes stare through the window. Snow is falling and he seems mesmerized by it. "I may be…" he starts.
She waits for him, but when he doesn't continue, she asks, "Freaked out? Scared?" Indifferent? Angry?
He chuckles a little shakily. "Terrorized, I think, would be a good word for it. I'm…" He swallows and leans his head against the window, his back still to her. "I can't go through losing you again. I just…" It comes out in a whisper. "I think I barely survived the first time."
There's a silence that Ally doesn't know how to break so she lets it stretch as she looks for words that would make it better.
She doesn't find them.
He's still leaning on the window, like the confession has cost every ounce of energy he had, and suddenly she can't stand having him alone on the other side of the room so she walks to him and puts her arms around his waist, rests her head on his shoulder.
"I know," she says.
"Have you ever loved so much it hurt?" he asks.
"Yes." Twice. And I barely survived either time. "I'm out of practice too, you know."
He snorts out a surprised laugh. "Well, I guess we're just going to have to guide one another through this."
Hopefully, they've both learned from their past mistakes.
Hopefully, they won't make another huge one-because she agrees with Larry on this; neither of them can afford to mess it up this time.
6.
Once upon a time, Ally wanted a perfect relationship.
A perfect wedding followed by a perfect honeymoon to celebrate that perfect relationship.
With a perfect man.
Followed by a perfect life-a house with white picket fences, a dog, two kids and a half, a husband, a career. Not in that order.
All that was then.
Now… Now, she's with a man who has an ex-wife, a kid and a complicated relationship with the mother of his kid. And a lot of insecurities, although he hides them better than she does, most of the time.
A man who has already hurt her.
A man she still loves, after everything they've been through, maybe because of everything they've been through, because deep down, he's kind-hearted and soft and a sucker for the more vulnerable people of the world.
A man who's willing to take a chance on her, despite the fact that she hurt him too, by not trusting him, by getting scared when it got too serious.
A man who's probably braver than she is when it comes to matters of the heart.
Neither of them is perfect.
Their life isn't either-she doesn't like her job very much, he hates his so much that he's talking about quitting and going solo again, they're both raising kids who've already been through a lot, and they're trying to take another stab at a relationship they both thought was dead.
It's not perfect, but as she watches him leaning down to better listen to Sam while Maddie is laughing at them and squeezing Ally's arm and talking about her day, she realizes that it doesn't have to be perfect.
She's happy anyway.
7.
This time, when he asks her to marry him, he keeps things simple.
No relying on waiters.
No asking his ex-wife for advice.
No second-guessing himself.
Just a quiet evening at her place, a ring, and a question.
*
Their friends from Boston show up for the wedding.
Richard says, "Married people still have sex. Or, well, I do, at any rate."
John says, "Congratulations to you both."
Renee says, "Larry, I think it goes without saying that if you ever hurt Ally, I'll have to kill you with my bare hands. I'm very good at kickboxing."
Elaine says, "About damn time."
Ally says, "I'm so glad to see you guys."
Larry says, "Strangely enough, so am I."
*
Much later that day, after vows have been exchanged and food has been eaten and wine has been drunk and everyone is a little misty-eyed and a little drunk and too tired to stop dancing, Ally looks around at her friends and family and thinks that for the first time in years, she doesn't feel tired anymore.
"What's that look for?" Larry asks, holding her close.
"I feel home," she replies.
He smiles and says, "I love you too."
*
They don't go on a honeymoon.
Instead, Renee takes Maddie to Boston for a few days and Jamie takes Sam to see his grandparents in Canada, while Ally and Larry lock themselves in their apartment and pretend that the outside world doesn't exist.
For a blissful week, there's only the two of them, and Ally enjoys every second of it.
"I wish we could spend the rest of our lives like this," Larry says.
So does Ally.
*
The day before the children are scheduled to come back, Ally's the one who makes a proposal.
"You know that we decided not to go on a honeymoon?" she asks, her throat suddenly feeling tight.
He smiles. "I was there," he points out.
"Right. I… It's not that I didn't want to go, but I thought…" Words fail her so she wordlessly hands him a card.
He takes it, frowning quizzically at her. "I'm assuming you haven't gotten a divorce lawyer already?" Then he reads the card and looks up, surprised, showing it back to her like she doesn't know what's written there.
McBeal and Paul.
Attorneys at law.
"We both hate our jobs," she points out. "And…" No matter that they're married and she's confident in their relationship, she doesn't dare say, "You seemed to enjoy working with me in Boston."
"Really?" He tilts his head to the side, either considering the idea or playing with her. "But shouldn't it be Paul and McBeal?" he finally wonders.
She laughs before replying, "No."
He shakes his head, reaching for her hand. "No," he agrees. "No, I suppose this is just right."
They're married and she still has butterflies in her stomach when he looks at her like he's doing right now.
I want this feeling to go on forever, she thinks.
*
Once upon a time, Ally wanted a perfect life.
Now, she's married with a teenaged daughter, a stepson, an apartment that's getting too small and a law firm to build from scratch. There are so many things to do-look for office space, hire assistants, find clients, take care of the kids, take care of each other-that she sometimes think she's going to explode.
From time to time, Larry puts a hand on her shoulder, kisses her neck and whispers, "Breathe," and when she does, she realizes that she has the life she has always wanted.
Perfect.
end
This entry was originally posted at http://helen_c.dreamwidth.org
Author : Helen C.
Rating : G
Summary : Post-series. Ally runs into Larry.
Spoilers : The whole show
Disclaimer : The characters and the universe were created and are owned by David E. Kelley and a bunch of others. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Acknowledgements : Many thanks to loracj, who beta'd this story for me.
AN. I'm blaming a discussion I had with
silverweave for this one. Yeah. I do.
AN2. A quick summary of the show-obviously, don't read it if you don't want to be spoiled.
Ally McBeal was a lawyer living in Boston and looking for a man. She met Larry. They fell in love, despite the fact that she was highly neurotic and he had a lot of baggage (in the form of: Helena, an ex-wife living in Boston; Sam, his son, living in Detroit with Jamie, the mother, with whom Larry had a pretty complicated relationship).
His son, Sam, wasn't doing so well, so Larry went briefly to Detroit, leaving Ally with a note saying, "I'll be back." He later came back, having decided he couldn't live without Ally.
Things were going well, but then Robert Downey Jr. got arrested and David E. Kelley wrote Larry off the show in a very stupid way-Larry planned to propose to Ally, but he messed it up, saw it as a bad omen and decided to talk to his ex-wife about it. Ally saw the two of them talking, dumped ice cream and whipped cream all over Larry's head (I shit you not) and left in a huff. Larry tried to talk to her, but then, and I'm not too sure how it happened, they kind of broke up.
She later got flowers and a note saying, "I love you, goodbye."
After that, season 5 happened. It was incredibly awful, but since it's relevant to the fic: when she was a student, Ally "donated some of egg cells for science". They were used without her knowledge, and in S5, her ten-year-old daughter, Maddie, showed up on her doorstep, wanting a relationship.
Surprise!
Ally got custody (yes, yes, it both sucks and is very, very unbelievable. It was S5. I wanted to wash my brain with soap a lot of the time, during S5).
At the end of the season, Maddie got depressed because she missed her old life and her friends. To make it better, Ally moved to her old town with her, in New York (where Maddie used to live).
And that's where we are now...
Untitled
Helen C.
1.
Ally does the "responsible adult" thing as well as she can.
She thought it would be difficult to get settled in a new town, but it turns out it's actually quite easy, once she breaks it down into simple, manageable steps.
She finds a place to live.
She enrolls Maddie in school and finds a doctor who'll treat her depression.
She finds a job at a law firm-a soulless, thankless job that pays the rent and keeps her working too long hours, but what has to be done has to be done.
She buys furniture and groceries.
She makes sure that Maddie goes to school. Gets treatment. Has a social life. Gets good grades. Feels comfortable in her new surroundings.
She cries every time she calls Renee, Elaine or John but she does so discreetly, so that Maddie won't see it, won't even suspect.
She tries not to think about everything she has lost.
She tries to focus on what she has gained-a daughter.
The most important thing in her world.
*
Maddie tells her, "You work way too hard," and "I never meant for you to be alone," and "You should try to meet someone," and "Please, maybe you'd be happier here if you did."
Ally always replies that she doesn't need a man. No woman should ever need a man and right now, her priorities lie elsewhere.
It's true.
She doesn't have time for anyone or anything else in her life. Her days are spent in constant motion-get up, wake Maddie, shower, breakfast, drop Maddie at school, go to work, come back home, help Maddie with her homework, eat something, watch a movie, go to bed.
Relationships take work. Where would she find the time or the energy to nurture one right now?
"I'm fine," she tells Maddie. "Just worry about yourself. Things will settle down eventually. What will be, will be."
*
The truth is, Ally has never been more lonely.
The truth is, she misses being with someone-not the awkwardness of the first date, or overthinking every little detail, or the desperate hunt for somebody to love, or the heartache when it all ends-but having someone near her. Having someone to share her life and her dreams and her hopes and her neuroses with.
The truth is, while she doesn't need a man in her life, she wants one.
*
Life goes on.
Ally adjusts to New York, gets used to being a single mother, her new job and her new apartment.
Maddie settles in, gains some weight as her appetite increases, makes good grades once she stops being tired all the time.
Renee calls once a week, gives her the latest gossip on life in Boston, tells her wild stories about Richard and Ling and John that Ally wouldn't believe if she hadn't known them for years.
"When are you coming to visit?" Renee asks, every single time.
"Soon," Ally replies. "I miss you guys."
And she does miss them… more than she would have expected to, which is precisely why she stays in New York, working on making her life her own, instead of living as a stranger to herself.
*
Life goes on.
It's not spectacular, she doesn't feel as alive as she did while she was working at Cage and Fish, but at least, she doesn't hurt.
She just wishes she didn't feel so empty.
2.
They bump into each other (literally) on the steps to the courthouse.
Ally's walking with her head down, as close to running as her skirt and heels will allow while doing some last-minute reading on her file she's carrying.
When she sees the dark shape in front of her, it's too late to stop.
"I'm sorry," she calls out before she even hits him.
He yelps and she feels something hot hitting her left sleeve-coffee, it's coffee, damn it, she hasn't had her third cup yet and she feels like she's going into withdrawal-and she raises her head, repeating, "Sorry, I'm-" and the words catch in her throat.
He surveys the damage (most of the coffee landed on him), a wry smile of recognition frozen on his face.
"Oh," she says, even though deep down, for some reason, she's not that surprised.
She always thought (hoped) that they would see each other again. But she always assumed it would happen in Boston, even though he had left for Detroit right after their break-up.
He brushes the front of his coat absently, spreading the coffee even more, blinking at her.
"Hi," he says, his voice just like she remembered it-deep and drawling, and suddenly, she wants to hear him say more, wants to hear him talking with that weird rhythm, those slightly clipped sentences that she loved and that she hadn't even realized she missed until now.
"Um," she replies.
"Yes."
He tilts his head slightly to the side and that gesture, too, is so familiar, so much like she remembered, that it's like he left yesterday, like she never dealt with the pain, like she never grieved for that relationship and moved on.
Like I still love him, she thinks and banishes the thought before it can take hold in her mind.
He takes a deep breath, releases it in the brisk November air, closes his eyes and says, "I'm sure we can do better than that." He chuckles in a slightly self-conscious, wary way, and she can't even guess what he must be thinking.
He didn't like talking about feelings, she remembers. He didn't like things to be spelled out for him. He preferred to read body language, watch for clues and listen to intonations, trying to figure everything out for himself.
She, on the other hand, has always liked things to be clear.
What is he thinking right now?
I love you.
I missed you.
Let's have sex.
"I'm late," she blurts out.
He shakes himself, nodding, "Right. Right. So am I, actually."
Did you miss me?
Do you still love me?
She's a bit disappointed when he picks up the now empty coffee cup on the ground, checking his watch.
Is it really you?
"Let's…" He rubs his eyes, frowning. "Damn," he mutters, then adds, "If I give you my number, will you call?"
She nods without thinking and he pushes a card in her hand, then she stares as he walks away, looking like he'd rather stay with her for the rest of the day.
Or maybe she's projecting her own feelings unto him.
She has been known to do that, from time to time.
She gets to the courtroom, delivers her closing argument, waits until the defense completes theirs, and goes to the nearest bathroom, where she contemplates her reflection in the mirror.
Has she changed-and if so, has she changed enough?
Has he changed?
Are things different enough that this time, they won't fail miserably?
She can hear Renee as if her friend was standing here with her. You're thinking too much. You're getting ahead of yourself. You're already seeing yourself walking down the aisle with him, when you've exchanged all of three words.
"Forty words," Ally says aloud in the deserted bathroom. "Give or take."
Renee has nothing to add to that.
*
Elaine asks, "How does he look?"
Renee asks, "Well, are you going to call him?"
John asks, "How do you feel?"
Ally says, "I don't know."
*
In the end, after a week of watching her pacing in their living room, agonizing about a decision she feels ill-equipped to make, Maddie places the call then throws the phone at her and goes to her room.
"You'll thank me later," she calls.
And then, Ally's listening to Larry, who's saying, "Hello?"
She regroups enough to say, "Hi."
She's a lawyer.
She gets paid to talk.
"I was wondering if you were going to call," Larry says.
"You could have called me."
"I thought…" He trails off and she can picture him as he's looking for words, trying to keep up with his own thoughts, and with her.
There isn't a lot of body language to be analyzed over a phone conversation.
Does he feel as confused as she does?
"Considering how things ended, I wanted to…" he adds, before stopping again.
He was always better at talking in a courtroom than he was at talking with her.
"I tracked down your number at your firm," he finally says. "I had given you until Friday night to make up your mind." He sounds more confident, now. More like the man she remembers and less like a stranger she just met on the street. "Would you agree to have a drink with me?"
Ally looks up to see Maddie watching her from the doorway, looking like she's torn between a smile and a frown. "I don't know."
"Only you can answer that," he points out. Putting the ball in her court.
Decisions.
Always decisions to make.
"A lot has happened." She points out, then says, "Yes." Because it's what she wanted all along anyway.
Maddie pumps her fist up and down and victory. Ally throws a pillow in her direction, then has to explain to Larry why he just heard a pile of books and two glasses falling on the floor, while Maddie laughs at her, hugging the pillow to her chest.
3.
They're out of synch.
They start sentences at the same moment, their words bumping halfway across the table, the awkwardness like a living thing between them.
For the first time in over a year, she feels the weight of what they lost, and she wonders how long she can bear it.
It used to be so easy, for a little while, to just talk to him.
She wants that feeling back.
But does he? she wonders. She hasn't even checked that he's not married yet. Well, okay, she did check for a wedding ring when they first sat down.
Okay, fine.
She checked when they first saw each other on the steps to the courthouse.
But the lack of a wedding ring means nothing nowadays.
A silence stretches between them while all around, people are chatting, laughing or yelling, and she bets that ninety percent of these conversations are couples starting and ending.
She hasn't dated in months. She's out of practice.
But then, it's Larry.
This shouldn't be so hard.
"You'd think we'd be able to do better," he says, echoing her thoughts. "Considering."
She's so pathetically grateful that they seem to be on the same wavelength that she smiles, for the first time since they sat. "You'd think."
He leans back in his chair and she wonders what he sees when he looks at her.
Is it longing in his eyes? Sadness? Anger?
Damn it.
He's the one who's usually good at reading people and situations.
She always needed to be hit over the head repeatedly with obvious facts.
She wants him to tell her exactly what he thinks, here and now, to make things less confusing.
"What are you doing in New York?" he asks.
And she realizes that the answer to that is going to be complicated, because their lives are complicated, full of entanglements and obligations.
It's never going to be easy but Maddie is right about one thing. Ally would feel happier if she had someone to share things with, and the only way to do that is to try.
"My daughter is from here," she says.
He's surprised, she can tell that much. He doesn't reply though, just takes off his glasses and sets them on the table, the way he used to when the conversation turned serious.
"She came to Boston to live with me but she was suffering from depression, so I came here with her. She's doing better now."
He takes a sip of his drink. "You have a daughter," he states. At her nod, he adds, "A daughter who's old enough to suffer from depression."
"It's a long, complicated story."
"I would assume so."
In the dim light of the bar, it's hard to tell whether he's amused, angry or just surprised.
And since they seem to be in serious mode, she asks, "What about you? How's Sam?"
His face lights up at the mention of his son and she feels a pang. One of the things she loved most about him was the way he loved his son, how great a father he was, even though he lived such a distance from Sam.
Still.
It hurts that he left Boston to be with him after they broke up, instead of trying to fix things with her.
It hurts that he has this family to consider whenever he makes a choice.
"Sam's great. He's…" He looks away for a brief moment then focuses on her again. "I know every parent says that, but he's just… you know."
She nods.
And Jamie? she thinks. What about Jamie?
Apparently, he's grown psychic since the last time they saw each other, because he says, "He's living in New York. That's why I'm here. Jamie got a job here and there was nothing holding me to Detroit, so I followed." He looks her in the eye. "We're not living together. We never did."
*
Later, he hails a cab for her and holds the door open. His other hand lingers a little too long at the small of her back. As she's climbing in, he holds fast to her arm and pulls her to him.
"I'm sorry. I got scared. But if I had tried to say goodbye to you, I'd never have left. And I don't think either of us was ready, back then."
He releases her arm and is gone before she can reply.
*
The next day, she gets flowers. Maddie gushes over them as Ally reads the card.
"If you don't call me, I'll call you. Whether or not you hang up on me is entirely up to you. Larry."
*
Renee says, a bit snidely, "He just loves writing notes, doesn't he?"
John asks, "Are you going to call him?"
Elaine asks, "Is he still… you know?"
Ally replies, "Yes."
4.
They meet a couple of times a week-for drinks and for meals, for the occasional cup of coffee between two audiences in court.
Ally learns that Helena is still in Boston and he hasn't been in touch with her since he left.
She learns that Jamie met someone and they're getting married next spring.
She learns that Sam is still the same bright-eyed, world-weary kid she met two years ago-he'll be just like his father when he grows up, she can tell, and she can't help feeling happy that he didn't take more after his mother.
An ugly thought, but she could never bring herself to like Jamie. The woman may be a part of Larry's life forever, but that doesn't mean that Ally has to enjoy it.
*
"I wish I could be a better father," Larry tells her one night. Sam has gotten into a fight at school and Larry has just come back from a parent-teacher conference. He looks tired and oddly defeated.
Ally would laugh at him if she could, because he already sacrificed so much for his son. The one thing about him she never doubted was that he would always put Sam first, and everything else-be it his career, a needy girlfriend or a conniving mother-of-his-child-a distant second.
She doesn't laugh though.
She knows where his words are coming from, and she understands a lot more about the guilt of missing several years of your child's life now than she did two years ago.
So instead, she takes his hand and asks, "Haven't you ever gotten into a fight at school?"
"Well, yes," he says. "But my home life wasn't so nice either."
She shakes her head. "You're a wonderful father," she says. "And you're here for him and he knows it. He's a kid. Sometimes, they just do stupid things."
So do adults, she thinks but doesn't add. So did we.
*
She tells him more about Maddie-how the kid just showed up one day, knocked on the door, introduced herself and changed everything in Ally's life with just a few sentences.
"You told me once that when I had kids, no matter how much I thought I was prepared, I'd still be astonished by my capacity to love someone," she says.
He looks at her, glasses at his side, his whole attention on her-he was always a good listener. "And you didn't have time to prepare."
"Well, is anyone ever ready?" she asks, even though she suspects the answer.
He looks at Sam, asleep on the couch, and says, "Probably not."
*
Maddie, of course, adores Larry-and, if Ally isn't mistaken, starts crushing on him about four minutes after meeting him.
Not that Ally's one to talk.
Larry, of course, takes it in stride and within an hour, they're all eating take-out and joking about Maddie's math teacher and Larry's client and Ally's colleagues and the people at Cage and Fish.
Ally wishes she could go back in time, to the first months of her relationship with Larry, back in Boston, back when life was simpler, back when they didn't have so much baggage and so much history to deal with.
But of course, back then, she didn't have Maddie.
Difficult as things are now, she wouldn't change that part of her life for anything.
*
"You guys lost a lot of time," John says when she calls him later that week. "But it's not too late."
"I think I still love him." It's the first time she says it out loud and her voice breaks a little.
"Does he still love you?"
"He hasn't said so." Not in so many words.
"But he does," John says, and it's not really a question.
Was there really ever a doubt?
Love was never a problem between them.
Communication, trust and their own complicated pasts, those were the things that brought them down.
And until they take a chance, until they try again, they won't know for sure whether or not they're strong enough to succeed this time.
5.
They take things even more slowly than the first time around-and back then, she was a mess, spending her time wondering whether or not this was normal-was it a sign that he was so interested that he was willing to take it slow or was it a sign that he wasn't interested at all?
She read so many books, watched so many tapes about the way to have a relationship with a man, and in the end, she can't help feeling that it was all for nothing, because with Larry, none of that stuff has ever helped.
She has never felt more challenged, more insecure than she does with this man.
Why didn't he kiss her after their first date?
Why haven't they slept together yet? It's been two months, damn it!
Why does he hesitate before taking her hand in the street?
Whywhywhy?
"It's just… We're taking it slow," she tells Renee.
Renee, of course, has always been able to read right through Ally's false cheer. "Too slow?"
"I don't know, I just… It's like he's scared of me."
"Well, you've both been burned."
They have.
And maybe, probably, that's why.
But still.
"I want it to work," Ally says. I want it so, so badly-more than anything else in my life.
"Then, it will," Renee replies, even though they both know that it's not that simple.
*
She invites him over to her place the next night. Insists for as long as it takes, almost losing patience.
Maddie is at her friend's place for the night, and Ally has decided to get it over with-whether it is sex or just a talk about it isn't very clear in her mind.
"Is there something wrong?" he asks when they've drunk coffee and laughed in front of a Chaplin movie.
"Of course not," she replies, too brightly.
He looks at her and she can tell he's not fooled. "You constantly seem like you're about to say something and then changing your mind, so…" He gives her a half-teasing, half-serious smile. "You want to break up?"
The tone is light but she can hear the uncertainty behind.
He did tell her once that he was just as terrified as she was. Maybe that hasn't changed either-and that's yet another thing she loves about him; he's not scared of admitting that he's scared.
Has anyone else ever done her the courtesy of such heartfelt honesty-just so she would feel a little less alone in her fear?
"No," she says. "I don't. I just…"
He takes off his glasses and smiles and she falls in love with him all over again, like she keeps doing several times a day. "Is slow a problem?" he asks.
She blurts it out before she thinks. "Slow isn't. I'm just scared we've come to a dead stop."
He takes that in, thinking about his reply and she can tell he's nervous in the way he gets up from the couch and goes stare through the window. Snow is falling and he seems mesmerized by it. "I may be…" he starts.
She waits for him, but when he doesn't continue, she asks, "Freaked out? Scared?" Indifferent? Angry?
He chuckles a little shakily. "Terrorized, I think, would be a good word for it. I'm…" He swallows and leans his head against the window, his back still to her. "I can't go through losing you again. I just…" It comes out in a whisper. "I think I barely survived the first time."
There's a silence that Ally doesn't know how to break so she lets it stretch as she looks for words that would make it better.
She doesn't find them.
He's still leaning on the window, like the confession has cost every ounce of energy he had, and suddenly she can't stand having him alone on the other side of the room so she walks to him and puts her arms around his waist, rests her head on his shoulder.
"I know," she says.
"Have you ever loved so much it hurt?" he asks.
"Yes." Twice. And I barely survived either time. "I'm out of practice too, you know."
He snorts out a surprised laugh. "Well, I guess we're just going to have to guide one another through this."
Hopefully, they've both learned from their past mistakes.
Hopefully, they won't make another huge one-because she agrees with Larry on this; neither of them can afford to mess it up this time.
6.
Once upon a time, Ally wanted a perfect relationship.
A perfect wedding followed by a perfect honeymoon to celebrate that perfect relationship.
With a perfect man.
Followed by a perfect life-a house with white picket fences, a dog, two kids and a half, a husband, a career. Not in that order.
All that was then.
Now… Now, she's with a man who has an ex-wife, a kid and a complicated relationship with the mother of his kid. And a lot of insecurities, although he hides them better than she does, most of the time.
A man who has already hurt her.
A man she still loves, after everything they've been through, maybe because of everything they've been through, because deep down, he's kind-hearted and soft and a sucker for the more vulnerable people of the world.
A man who's willing to take a chance on her, despite the fact that she hurt him too, by not trusting him, by getting scared when it got too serious.
A man who's probably braver than she is when it comes to matters of the heart.
Neither of them is perfect.
Their life isn't either-she doesn't like her job very much, he hates his so much that he's talking about quitting and going solo again, they're both raising kids who've already been through a lot, and they're trying to take another stab at a relationship they both thought was dead.
It's not perfect, but as she watches him leaning down to better listen to Sam while Maddie is laughing at them and squeezing Ally's arm and talking about her day, she realizes that it doesn't have to be perfect.
She's happy anyway.
7.
This time, when he asks her to marry him, he keeps things simple.
No relying on waiters.
No asking his ex-wife for advice.
No second-guessing himself.
Just a quiet evening at her place, a ring, and a question.
*
Their friends from Boston show up for the wedding.
Richard says, "Married people still have sex. Or, well, I do, at any rate."
John says, "Congratulations to you both."
Renee says, "Larry, I think it goes without saying that if you ever hurt Ally, I'll have to kill you with my bare hands. I'm very good at kickboxing."
Elaine says, "About damn time."
Ally says, "I'm so glad to see you guys."
Larry says, "Strangely enough, so am I."
*
Much later that day, after vows have been exchanged and food has been eaten and wine has been drunk and everyone is a little misty-eyed and a little drunk and too tired to stop dancing, Ally looks around at her friends and family and thinks that for the first time in years, she doesn't feel tired anymore.
"What's that look for?" Larry asks, holding her close.
"I feel home," she replies.
He smiles and says, "I love you too."
*
They don't go on a honeymoon.
Instead, Renee takes Maddie to Boston for a few days and Jamie takes Sam to see his grandparents in Canada, while Ally and Larry lock themselves in their apartment and pretend that the outside world doesn't exist.
For a blissful week, there's only the two of them, and Ally enjoys every second of it.
"I wish we could spend the rest of our lives like this," Larry says.
So does Ally.
*
The day before the children are scheduled to come back, Ally's the one who makes a proposal.
"You know that we decided not to go on a honeymoon?" she asks, her throat suddenly feeling tight.
He smiles. "I was there," he points out.
"Right. I… It's not that I didn't want to go, but I thought…" Words fail her so she wordlessly hands him a card.
He takes it, frowning quizzically at her. "I'm assuming you haven't gotten a divorce lawyer already?" Then he reads the card and looks up, surprised, showing it back to her like she doesn't know what's written there.
McBeal and Paul.
Attorneys at law.
"We both hate our jobs," she points out. "And…" No matter that they're married and she's confident in their relationship, she doesn't dare say, "You seemed to enjoy working with me in Boston."
"Really?" He tilts his head to the side, either considering the idea or playing with her. "But shouldn't it be Paul and McBeal?" he finally wonders.
She laughs before replying, "No."
He shakes his head, reaching for her hand. "No," he agrees. "No, I suppose this is just right."
They're married and she still has butterflies in her stomach when he looks at her like he's doing right now.
I want this feeling to go on forever, she thinks.
*
Once upon a time, Ally wanted a perfect life.
Now, she's married with a teenaged daughter, a stepson, an apartment that's getting too small and a law firm to build from scratch. There are so many things to do-look for office space, hire assistants, find clients, take care of the kids, take care of each other-that she sometimes think she's going to explode.
From time to time, Larry puts a hand on her shoulder, kisses her neck and whispers, "Breathe," and when she does, she realizes that she has the life she has always wanted.
Perfect.
end
This entry was originally posted at http://helen_c.dreamwidth.org