OC Fic : Fork In The Road (8/9)
Title : Fork In The Road
Author : Helen C.
Rating : R (M)
Summary : AU. Dawn never left in the Pilot, and Ryan came back to Chino for a while. Years later, he and Seth meet in Los Angeles.
Spoilers : Everything is fair game.
Disclaimer : The characters and the universe were created and are owned by Josh Schwartz. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
joey51 stayed up until some ungodly hour in the night to beta this, and that's one of the many reasons why she's the best beta ever. :) Thanks, Joey!
Chapter Eight
The first cracks start to appear during the fourth month-after the first fight they have, over a mug that slipped out of Seth's hands and shattered on the floor of Ryan's kitchen, coffee spilling everywhere.
Ryan is more than willing to admit that a broken mug didn't warrant the fifteen-minutes shouting match that followed, and that really, it was just an accident and Seth didn't do it on purpose.
He doesn't even know why he makes such a big deal out of it, doesn't know why, suddenly, he sounds like his mother and Trey when they were stoned and they wanted to pick up a fight.
"Fucking hell, Seth, can't you be a little more careful! It's not like I have hundreds of these to spare!" he yells at some point.
And, a little later, "You're always sorry. And I'm asking you, be more careful, okay?"
And then, as he feels a headache starting to build at the back of his skull, "Fuck, just leave, okay?"
But Seth doesn't leave, Seth shouts back at him, and eventually, Ryan comes back to himself, realizes that he's being irrational and that Seth looks a little freaked.
It feels like he's back in his house in Chino, after one of those violent arguments that tore his family apart, and he tries to resist the urge to run into the shower and scrub his skin raw, to dislodge these remnants of his past that won't leave him alone.
"I'm sorry," he says.
Seth looks both bewildered and understanding, and takes Ryan's arm to lead him to the bedroom-"Leave that stuff, I'll clean up later"-and they have sex and Ryan manages, just barely, to avoid crying.
"I'm sorry," Ryan says again when they're done.
"It's okay," Seth replies. "Just… I'm sorry too."
"It's okay," Ryan says, thinking that it's not okay in the least, that he hates that side of himself, the one that makes him throw tantrums for nothing, the one that makes him want to punch walls or doors or people sometimes, and that he needs to work so hard, all the time, to keep under control.
He keeps wondering morbidly when he'll finally snap, when he'll finally lose control and lash out at someone, and how far he'll go then, and what will happen to him.
He doesn't want to become like the people he met in his childhood-people who keep destroying everything they touch, who don't even care about what kind of damage they leave behind them-but he doesn't know how long he'll be able to keep himself under control.
***
Things settle down again after that.
Seth seems to forget about the incident, Ryan is extra careful, pretty much all the time, and they talk less than before, but they still sleep together every night.
On the surface, nothing seems to have changed.
Ryan tries to tell himself that it's stupid to feel like something has broken, tries to tell himself that their relationship is the same as it was before, but he knows it's not.
He knows it's only a matter of time now, before Seth finally realizes that Ryan is too much to handle, only a matter of time before Seth meets someone who will be more attentive, less damaged by life-someone who doesn't feel like he wasted every single opportunity he ever had, someone who will be more gifted at comforting, someone who will be more… well, more than Ryan.
***
Seth tells him about the phone call, on a gray Saturday morning. "Mom called, she wants me to go to Newport this weekend for a charity event."
"Okay," Ryan says.
He only ever went to one of these parties in Newport, and he barely remembers it. He merely has a few flashes of wealthy, sophisticated people, of alcohol and of light conversation. He remembers fake laughter, and he remembers he had never felt more out of place before in his life.
"I'd like you to come with me," Seth adds, and Ryan feels his heart speed up.
"I don't think-" he starts.
Seth raises a finger to silence him. "Hear me out."
Ryan takes a deep breath, and listens. It's the least he can do, he thinks. He can at least let Seth say what he wants, before explaining why there's no way in hell he'll ever go back to Newport.
"My parents would be overjoyed to see you," Seth says. "Really. I mean, I'd have to prepare them, obviously, but… and, really, people wouldn’t know who you are. We can introduce you as…"
He trails off and Ryan supplies, "As the cousin from the East Coast?"
He doesn't know if he should be insulted or bitter or just amused by the whole thing, so he settles for a mix of all three.
"Or as a good friend of mine," Seth says. "Just to cover all the bases, you know?"
"Seth, I'm… I don't want to do that."
Seth sits up in bed and looks down at Ryan. "I never want to go to these things either, dude. That's why I'd like you to come." He smiles. "I could make it worth your while."
"Oh, really?"
Seth nods, lies back down, his hand slipping under the covers, reaching for Ryan's left hip-right where he's the most ticklish.
"Seth, no, that's not playing fair-"
But Ryan is laughing too hard, and half-heartedly fighting off Seth's hands, and for a while, he forgets about Newport.
***
Much later that night, Seth says, out of the blue, "I think it's too soon to come out to my parents yet."
They're in the dark, Ryan can't see his face, but Seth sounds young and not very sure of himself.
"I don't know," he says carefully, trying not to start yelling at Seth that yes, it's too soon, and that he shouldn't come out on Ryan's behalf, because it's not that serious yet, surely not, Ryan would have noticed if they had entered the let's-meet-the-family stage.
"I think. I just… I'd like them to know, but, perhaps later you know? That we're… together."
That's how they say it, because Ryan doesn't like to call themselves a couple, an item, friends with benefits, or anything at all.
Ryan doesn't like to put labels on his relationships, partly because he doesn't like labels as a rule, partly because words never come without strings attached.
Being a son to Dawn meant being responsible for her, meant carrying her through her life, because she couldn't stand on her own, and the task almost killed Ryan.
Being a brother to Trey meant having his back even when he was wrong, meant helping him, even when it was crazy, meant ending up in jail because of a stupid car that wouldn't have made their lives any better, even if they had gotten away with stealing it.
Being a boyfriend to most girls he has dated meant being dependable, being the shoulder to cry on and the nice guy who fixes problems.
He doesn't like thinking of himself as someone's… anything. He's just Ryan, and Seth is Seth, and Michael is Michael.
Who cares who is what for whom?
So, they're not each other's boyfriends, they're not significant others, they're… together.
Ryan wonders if Seth is worried about the fact that it's so non-committal.
"It's up to you," Ryan tells Seth, hoping Seth will make the right decision-assuming there is a right decision to make in this case.
"Later," Seth says. "I'll tell them, but later."
Ryan tries not to sigh in relief.
***
"So, honeymoon over with whoever you've been seeing?" Sean asks the next day, as Ryan is busy hammering nails-and using the hammer with all his strength, as if he had a score to settle with it.
"What?"
"Don't play dumb," Sean says. "It doesn't suit you."
Ryan sighs, sets the hammer on the ground and wipes his face on his T-shirt. "I never said I was seeing someone."
"You didn't have to. You suddenly stopped coming with us after work, and quite frankly, Ryan, you've obviously been getting some."
Ryan lets out a startled laugh. "Right. I didn't know I was this obvious."
"Well, you are. So, trouble starting already?"
Yes, Ryan wants to say. He wants me to meet his family, whom I already met once, long ago, when I was no one. And it has been years, and let's face it, Sean, I'm still no one. And I don't want to do it, and I'm not sure I want us to be more serious than we've been so far. I suck at relationships, Sean, badly so, and I should have remembered that before I let Seth enter my life. I should have remembered that before we reached the point when he wanted to come out to his parents, because there's no way in hell I can let that happen.
I need to end this, and I don't want to, and it sucks, and I don't have anyone to blame but myself.
So, yes, definitely trouble starting already.
"I'm sorry," Sean says, bringing Ryan back to reality. "I shouldn’t have asked."
"It's okay," Ryan says. "Just… it's not going to work."
Sean frowns slightly. "You sure?"
Ryan closes his eyes briefly. He has thought a lot about it, ever since their first fight.
Every time he tries to picture himself and Seth, three years down the road, all he can see is a Newport party, and people looking at him condescendingly, and patting Mrs. Cohen's hand with commiseration, "So sorry your son brought that man home. You must be so disappointed."
He can't even picture Seth in Austin, in Michael's middle-class house, eating Alicia's food instead of take-out.
Sean is still looking at him, worried, so Ryan nods. "Yes. Reasonably sure."
"I'm sorry," Sean says again.
Ryan tries to smile, but he finds it too hard so he just shrugs instead. "Me too."
***
As soon as he arrives at the construction site on Tuesday, he goes tell his boss that he's leaving town. "Will four days notice be enough?"
"Sure," the man says, looking slightly concerned. "Problems with someone on the team?"
"No," Ryan reassures him. "I just need a change of scenery for a while."
"You already know where you're going?"
Ryan doesn't have any plans, but hears himself reply, "Las Vegas." As soon as the words have left his mouth, he thinks, Why not? He needs somewhere to go, and Vegas is as good a destination as any.
His boss nods. "I know people there, if you want a job, I can make some calls."
"That'd be great, thanks." Ryan smiles nervously and gets to work, trying to keep focused on what he's doing.
For the next two days, Ryan listens as Seth rambles about next Saturday, about the tux he'll rent for Ryan, about how his parents will be glad to see them both-"I told them I was bringing someone, but I didn't say it was you."-and Ryan feels like the worst asshole in the world.
On Friday, Ryan tells Josh and Sean that he'll be leaving town over the weekend. Josh looks hurt, Sean looks hurt and worried, and Ryan can't meet their eyes, so he goes back to his work, according more attention to the concrete than he needs to.
"We're taking you to the bar tonight," Sean says, as Ryan gets ready to leave.
It takes Ryan five minutes to convince Sean that he won't leave until Sunday morning, that the drinks can wait until Saturday.
"You'll be hungover for the trip," Sean points out.
"I don't care."
Sean looks disappointed, and Ryan stomach churns painfully.
If Josh and Sean make him feel this bad, what will happen once he's done with Seth tonight?
***
He was expecting to have to find a pretext to pick up a fight with Seth, but in the end, it's Seth who starts it, and Ryan hates that he's relieved.
When he gets home that night, Seth is sitting at the kitchen table, and there's a scribbled note next to him and a beer in his hands.
"Hey," Ryan says.
He sees Seth's jaws clench. "Hey."
There's a tense silence, that Seth finally breaks. "So, the phone rang and I picked it up. It was your boss. He wanted to give you a few numbers you can call once you're settled in Las Vegas."
"Oh." Ryan sits in front of Seth, trying to catch Seth's eyes, to know if he's more angry than hurt or the other way around.
"You're not coming back, are you?" Seth asks.
"No," Ryan replies, and his throat clenches when he tries to swallow.
"Were you even going to tell me?"
"Yes. Tonight."
Seth raises his head then, and Ryan is unable to stand that hurt look so he starts staring at the wall.
"That's all you're going to say?" Seth asks.
Ryan sighs. He doesn't have excuses. He planned this, he planned to dump Seth and to skip town, he quit his job and booked a bus ticket, and he doesn't have an explanation that would make Seth feel better, and "sorry" isn't enough.
He still says it, though, because what else is there?
"Yeah," Seth says, his tone sharp and bitter. "I just… I don't get why you're leaving."
"Me neither," Ryan whispers. "I just…"
I'm scared.
I'd rather we break up now, when we're not too close, when we're not too serious, because it'll be harder if we wait, and we don't have a future together, and surely, even you must see that.
I can't meet your parents, not today, not ever. They'll look disappointed, or disgusted, or pitying, and I don't want that.
I just need to go.
I need to.
"Could anything I say make a difference?"
Seth's tone is subdued and sad, and Ryan feels like crying, but he doesn't.
He never does.
He leaves, he avoids, and when he gets hurt, he hides and waits until he feels better, but he doesn't cry.
"No."
Four months together, which is the longest he has ever spent with anyone, and that's probably the shortest break-up scene he has ever lived.
"I'm sorry," he says, again.
"Me too," Seth says. He gets to his feet, knocking back his chair, which falls to the ground. "I guess I should have seen it coming."
He leaves, without a goodbye or a glance backwards.
Ryan sits at the table for about half an hour, waiting until he feels like he can stand up without breaking down.
When he does, he picks up the fallen chair and rights it, then he calls Sean, and tells him he needs to get drunk tonight, after all.
"Are you all right?" Sean asks delicately.
Damn the man and his damned intuition, he should have called Josh.
But of course, Josh is a terrible chaperone, and would certainly end up more drunk that Ryan, and who would make sure they got home in one piece?
"Yeah," Ryan says. "Sean?"
"What?"
"No questions, okay?"
"Sure," Sean says, and he seems so eager that Ryan almost smiles.
"Thanks."
***
Sean takes Ryan out, drives him back and makes sure there's a bucket in Ryan's reach before leaving.
"I'll come by tomorrow," he promises. "Josh too. To say goodbye."
Ryan wants to tell him not to, that goodbyes hurt and he sucks at it, but he's too drunk to be that articulate, so he just grumbles, and Sean pats his shoulder gently.
On Saturday, Ryan packs everything he wants to take with him-which isn't much. His clothes, a few books, three Cds. Everything else can stay here.
Ryan has always traveled light.
Then, Josh and Sean come by, as promised, and they drink again, and Ryan tries very hard not to wonder what Seth is doing.
Is he in Newport yet?
Has he told his parents about Ryan?
Has he told them that Ryan has been irrevocably damaged by what Dawn did to him, that he has become a coward, and that he can't stand being with someone, and that he's an asshole for not even warning Seth that he was leaving?
Is Seth okay?
Is he still mad at Ryan?
"Ryan?" Sean asks.
"Hm?"
"If you ever need anything, if you ever come back in town, call me, okay?"
Ryan wants to tell Sean that he's not worth all this trouble, but as usual, he can't find the words.
"Thanks," he says.
Because, when he doesn't know what to say, Ryan relies on politeness.
Chapter 9
Author : Helen C.
Rating : R (M)
Summary : AU. Dawn never left in the Pilot, and Ryan came back to Chino for a while. Years later, he and Seth meet in Los Angeles.
Spoilers : Everything is fair game.
Disclaimer : The characters and the universe were created and are owned by Josh Schwartz. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
joey51 stayed up until some ungodly hour in the night to beta this, and that's one of the many reasons why she's the best beta ever. :) Thanks, Joey!
Chapter Eight
The first cracks start to appear during the fourth month-after the first fight they have, over a mug that slipped out of Seth's hands and shattered on the floor of Ryan's kitchen, coffee spilling everywhere.
Ryan is more than willing to admit that a broken mug didn't warrant the fifteen-minutes shouting match that followed, and that really, it was just an accident and Seth didn't do it on purpose.
He doesn't even know why he makes such a big deal out of it, doesn't know why, suddenly, he sounds like his mother and Trey when they were stoned and they wanted to pick up a fight.
"Fucking hell, Seth, can't you be a little more careful! It's not like I have hundreds of these to spare!" he yells at some point.
And, a little later, "You're always sorry. And I'm asking you, be more careful, okay?"
And then, as he feels a headache starting to build at the back of his skull, "Fuck, just leave, okay?"
But Seth doesn't leave, Seth shouts back at him, and eventually, Ryan comes back to himself, realizes that he's being irrational and that Seth looks a little freaked.
It feels like he's back in his house in Chino, after one of those violent arguments that tore his family apart, and he tries to resist the urge to run into the shower and scrub his skin raw, to dislodge these remnants of his past that won't leave him alone.
"I'm sorry," he says.
Seth looks both bewildered and understanding, and takes Ryan's arm to lead him to the bedroom-"Leave that stuff, I'll clean up later"-and they have sex and Ryan manages, just barely, to avoid crying.
"I'm sorry," Ryan says again when they're done.
"It's okay," Seth replies. "Just… I'm sorry too."
"It's okay," Ryan says, thinking that it's not okay in the least, that he hates that side of himself, the one that makes him throw tantrums for nothing, the one that makes him want to punch walls or doors or people sometimes, and that he needs to work so hard, all the time, to keep under control.
He keeps wondering morbidly when he'll finally snap, when he'll finally lose control and lash out at someone, and how far he'll go then, and what will happen to him.
He doesn't want to become like the people he met in his childhood-people who keep destroying everything they touch, who don't even care about what kind of damage they leave behind them-but he doesn't know how long he'll be able to keep himself under control.
***
Things settle down again after that.
Seth seems to forget about the incident, Ryan is extra careful, pretty much all the time, and they talk less than before, but they still sleep together every night.
On the surface, nothing seems to have changed.
Ryan tries to tell himself that it's stupid to feel like something has broken, tries to tell himself that their relationship is the same as it was before, but he knows it's not.
He knows it's only a matter of time now, before Seth finally realizes that Ryan is too much to handle, only a matter of time before Seth meets someone who will be more attentive, less damaged by life-someone who doesn't feel like he wasted every single opportunity he ever had, someone who will be more gifted at comforting, someone who will be more… well, more than Ryan.
***
Seth tells him about the phone call, on a gray Saturday morning. "Mom called, she wants me to go to Newport this weekend for a charity event."
"Okay," Ryan says.
He only ever went to one of these parties in Newport, and he barely remembers it. He merely has a few flashes of wealthy, sophisticated people, of alcohol and of light conversation. He remembers fake laughter, and he remembers he had never felt more out of place before in his life.
"I'd like you to come with me," Seth adds, and Ryan feels his heart speed up.
"I don't think-" he starts.
Seth raises a finger to silence him. "Hear me out."
Ryan takes a deep breath, and listens. It's the least he can do, he thinks. He can at least let Seth say what he wants, before explaining why there's no way in hell he'll ever go back to Newport.
"My parents would be overjoyed to see you," Seth says. "Really. I mean, I'd have to prepare them, obviously, but… and, really, people wouldn’t know who you are. We can introduce you as…"
He trails off and Ryan supplies, "As the cousin from the East Coast?"
He doesn't know if he should be insulted or bitter or just amused by the whole thing, so he settles for a mix of all three.
"Or as a good friend of mine," Seth says. "Just to cover all the bases, you know?"
"Seth, I'm… I don't want to do that."
Seth sits up in bed and looks down at Ryan. "I never want to go to these things either, dude. That's why I'd like you to come." He smiles. "I could make it worth your while."
"Oh, really?"
Seth nods, lies back down, his hand slipping under the covers, reaching for Ryan's left hip-right where he's the most ticklish.
"Seth, no, that's not playing fair-"
But Ryan is laughing too hard, and half-heartedly fighting off Seth's hands, and for a while, he forgets about Newport.
***
Much later that night, Seth says, out of the blue, "I think it's too soon to come out to my parents yet."
They're in the dark, Ryan can't see his face, but Seth sounds young and not very sure of himself.
"I don't know," he says carefully, trying not to start yelling at Seth that yes, it's too soon, and that he shouldn't come out on Ryan's behalf, because it's not that serious yet, surely not, Ryan would have noticed if they had entered the let's-meet-the-family stage.
"I think. I just… I'd like them to know, but, perhaps later you know? That we're… together."
That's how they say it, because Ryan doesn't like to call themselves a couple, an item, friends with benefits, or anything at all.
Ryan doesn't like to put labels on his relationships, partly because he doesn't like labels as a rule, partly because words never come without strings attached.
Being a son to Dawn meant being responsible for her, meant carrying her through her life, because she couldn't stand on her own, and the task almost killed Ryan.
Being a brother to Trey meant having his back even when he was wrong, meant helping him, even when it was crazy, meant ending up in jail because of a stupid car that wouldn't have made their lives any better, even if they had gotten away with stealing it.
Being a boyfriend to most girls he has dated meant being dependable, being the shoulder to cry on and the nice guy who fixes problems.
He doesn't like thinking of himself as someone's… anything. He's just Ryan, and Seth is Seth, and Michael is Michael.
Who cares who is what for whom?
So, they're not each other's boyfriends, they're not significant others, they're… together.
Ryan wonders if Seth is worried about the fact that it's so non-committal.
"It's up to you," Ryan tells Seth, hoping Seth will make the right decision-assuming there is a right decision to make in this case.
"Later," Seth says. "I'll tell them, but later."
Ryan tries not to sigh in relief.
***
"So, honeymoon over with whoever you've been seeing?" Sean asks the next day, as Ryan is busy hammering nails-and using the hammer with all his strength, as if he had a score to settle with it.
"What?"
"Don't play dumb," Sean says. "It doesn't suit you."
Ryan sighs, sets the hammer on the ground and wipes his face on his T-shirt. "I never said I was seeing someone."
"You didn't have to. You suddenly stopped coming with us after work, and quite frankly, Ryan, you've obviously been getting some."
Ryan lets out a startled laugh. "Right. I didn't know I was this obvious."
"Well, you are. So, trouble starting already?"
Yes, Ryan wants to say. He wants me to meet his family, whom I already met once, long ago, when I was no one. And it has been years, and let's face it, Sean, I'm still no one. And I don't want to do it, and I'm not sure I want us to be more serious than we've been so far. I suck at relationships, Sean, badly so, and I should have remembered that before I let Seth enter my life. I should have remembered that before we reached the point when he wanted to come out to his parents, because there's no way in hell I can let that happen.
I need to end this, and I don't want to, and it sucks, and I don't have anyone to blame but myself.
So, yes, definitely trouble starting already.
"I'm sorry," Sean says, bringing Ryan back to reality. "I shouldn’t have asked."
"It's okay," Ryan says. "Just… it's not going to work."
Sean frowns slightly. "You sure?"
Ryan closes his eyes briefly. He has thought a lot about it, ever since their first fight.
Every time he tries to picture himself and Seth, three years down the road, all he can see is a Newport party, and people looking at him condescendingly, and patting Mrs. Cohen's hand with commiseration, "So sorry your son brought that man home. You must be so disappointed."
He can't even picture Seth in Austin, in Michael's middle-class house, eating Alicia's food instead of take-out.
Sean is still looking at him, worried, so Ryan nods. "Yes. Reasonably sure."
"I'm sorry," Sean says again.
Ryan tries to smile, but he finds it too hard so he just shrugs instead. "Me too."
***
As soon as he arrives at the construction site on Tuesday, he goes tell his boss that he's leaving town. "Will four days notice be enough?"
"Sure," the man says, looking slightly concerned. "Problems with someone on the team?"
"No," Ryan reassures him. "I just need a change of scenery for a while."
"You already know where you're going?"
Ryan doesn't have any plans, but hears himself reply, "Las Vegas." As soon as the words have left his mouth, he thinks, Why not? He needs somewhere to go, and Vegas is as good a destination as any.
His boss nods. "I know people there, if you want a job, I can make some calls."
"That'd be great, thanks." Ryan smiles nervously and gets to work, trying to keep focused on what he's doing.
For the next two days, Ryan listens as Seth rambles about next Saturday, about the tux he'll rent for Ryan, about how his parents will be glad to see them both-"I told them I was bringing someone, but I didn't say it was you."-and Ryan feels like the worst asshole in the world.
On Friday, Ryan tells Josh and Sean that he'll be leaving town over the weekend. Josh looks hurt, Sean looks hurt and worried, and Ryan can't meet their eyes, so he goes back to his work, according more attention to the concrete than he needs to.
"We're taking you to the bar tonight," Sean says, as Ryan gets ready to leave.
It takes Ryan five minutes to convince Sean that he won't leave until Sunday morning, that the drinks can wait until Saturday.
"You'll be hungover for the trip," Sean points out.
"I don't care."
Sean looks disappointed, and Ryan stomach churns painfully.
If Josh and Sean make him feel this bad, what will happen once he's done with Seth tonight?
***
He was expecting to have to find a pretext to pick up a fight with Seth, but in the end, it's Seth who starts it, and Ryan hates that he's relieved.
When he gets home that night, Seth is sitting at the kitchen table, and there's a scribbled note next to him and a beer in his hands.
"Hey," Ryan says.
He sees Seth's jaws clench. "Hey."
There's a tense silence, that Seth finally breaks. "So, the phone rang and I picked it up. It was your boss. He wanted to give you a few numbers you can call once you're settled in Las Vegas."
"Oh." Ryan sits in front of Seth, trying to catch Seth's eyes, to know if he's more angry than hurt or the other way around.
"You're not coming back, are you?" Seth asks.
"No," Ryan replies, and his throat clenches when he tries to swallow.
"Were you even going to tell me?"
"Yes. Tonight."
Seth raises his head then, and Ryan is unable to stand that hurt look so he starts staring at the wall.
"That's all you're going to say?" Seth asks.
Ryan sighs. He doesn't have excuses. He planned this, he planned to dump Seth and to skip town, he quit his job and booked a bus ticket, and he doesn't have an explanation that would make Seth feel better, and "sorry" isn't enough.
He still says it, though, because what else is there?
"Yeah," Seth says, his tone sharp and bitter. "I just… I don't get why you're leaving."
"Me neither," Ryan whispers. "I just…"
I'm scared.
I'd rather we break up now, when we're not too close, when we're not too serious, because it'll be harder if we wait, and we don't have a future together, and surely, even you must see that.
I can't meet your parents, not today, not ever. They'll look disappointed, or disgusted, or pitying, and I don't want that.
I just need to go.
I need to.
"Could anything I say make a difference?"
Seth's tone is subdued and sad, and Ryan feels like crying, but he doesn't.
He never does.
He leaves, he avoids, and when he gets hurt, he hides and waits until he feels better, but he doesn't cry.
"No."
Four months together, which is the longest he has ever spent with anyone, and that's probably the shortest break-up scene he has ever lived.
"I'm sorry," he says, again.
"Me too," Seth says. He gets to his feet, knocking back his chair, which falls to the ground. "I guess I should have seen it coming."
He leaves, without a goodbye or a glance backwards.
Ryan sits at the table for about half an hour, waiting until he feels like he can stand up without breaking down.
When he does, he picks up the fallen chair and rights it, then he calls Sean, and tells him he needs to get drunk tonight, after all.
"Are you all right?" Sean asks delicately.
Damn the man and his damned intuition, he should have called Josh.
But of course, Josh is a terrible chaperone, and would certainly end up more drunk that Ryan, and who would make sure they got home in one piece?
"Yeah," Ryan says. "Sean?"
"What?"
"No questions, okay?"
"Sure," Sean says, and he seems so eager that Ryan almost smiles.
"Thanks."
***
Sean takes Ryan out, drives him back and makes sure there's a bucket in Ryan's reach before leaving.
"I'll come by tomorrow," he promises. "Josh too. To say goodbye."
Ryan wants to tell him not to, that goodbyes hurt and he sucks at it, but he's too drunk to be that articulate, so he just grumbles, and Sean pats his shoulder gently.
On Saturday, Ryan packs everything he wants to take with him-which isn't much. His clothes, a few books, three Cds. Everything else can stay here.
Ryan has always traveled light.
Then, Josh and Sean come by, as promised, and they drink again, and Ryan tries very hard not to wonder what Seth is doing.
Is he in Newport yet?
Has he told his parents about Ryan?
Has he told them that Ryan has been irrevocably damaged by what Dawn did to him, that he has become a coward, and that he can't stand being with someone, and that he's an asshole for not even warning Seth that he was leaving?
Is Seth okay?
Is he still mad at Ryan?
"Ryan?" Sean asks.
"Hm?"
"If you ever need anything, if you ever come back in town, call me, okay?"
Ryan wants to tell Sean that he's not worth all this trouble, but as usual, he can't find the words.
"Thanks," he says.
Because, when he doesn't know what to say, Ryan relies on politeness.
Chapter 9