OC Fic : Helping Hands (2/3)
Title : Helping Hands
Author : Helen C.
Rating : PG-13
Summary : A series of related drabbles, about Ryan and his families-both of them.
Spoilers : Everything up to The Ties That Bind is fair game.
Disclaimer : The characters and the universe were created and are owned by Josh Schwartz. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Warning : May be a tiny little bit angsty.
A/N : Many thanks to the awesome joey51 for beta'ing this!
Part II. Flesh and Blood
It is not flesh and blood but the heart which makes us fathers and sons.
Johann Schiller
1. (100 words)
Sandy asks, "Aren't you tired of feeling alone?"
Ryan thinks about Dawn, passing out in her own vomit, leaving him to clean up the mess. He thinks about all the times he called her work for her, explaining away her hangovers as bad cases of flu. He thinks about the sleepless nights wondering where they'd get the money for the rent, and dreading what would happen if they didn't get it.
I'm exhausted, he thinks.
He's not ready to say so, though.
"Let us help," Sandy adds.
Ryan thinks that maybe, some day, he'll be able to accept that help.
2. (150 words)
Sandy says, "I wish I could make it all better."
Every time he does, Ryan wants to scream.
Doesn't Sandy understand that there's nothing he can do? That there's nothing anyone can do?
No one can erase Ryan's memories.
No one can give him back his childhood.
No one can give him back his family, his home-dysfunctional as is was, it was his and he misses it sometimes.
In Newport, he's just a stranger living with his lawyer's family; he's not a son or a brother here, not really.
No one can take Dawn by the hand and force her to sober up, so she can be a mother again.
The only person who can help Dawn is herself, which means she's doomed. As is the Atwood family-with two members in jail, one God knows where, doing God knows what, and one in Newport.
All of them alone.
3. (200 words)
Sandy says, "Sometimes, you scare me, Ryan."
Ryan apologizes, then wonders if apologizing all the time is an Atwood trait.
Sometimes, when Ryan allows himself to think about the pathetic amount of time Dawn stayed sober before screwing things up again, he wants to cry. Does it mean that she doesn't love him enough to make an effort?
Probably.
Ryan learned long ago that he would never win that fight. Dawn will never stay sober on his behalf, and it still hurts to admit that his own mother will always choose a bottle of vodka over his own well-being.
Sometimes, when he thinks about all the disappointments, all the promises she didn't keep, all the apologies, he wants to scream.
And when he thinks that she's still out there somewhere, that if she doesn’t get herself killed, she'll come back and suffocate him with her needs again, he's disgusted with himself. She's his mother. He'll help her, because that's who he is. And she'll betray him again, because that's who she is.
He'll never be free of her, and he wants to punch a wall, a window, anything, to vent his anger.
If he believed it could help, he would.
4. (150 words)
Sandy says, "You know, when you refuse people's help, you also refuse to let them close. You also refuse to trust them."
Ryan already owes the Cohens so much-the clothes he wears, everything he eats and drinks, the roof over his head and the new chance in life.
He's not sure he'll ever be able to repay them-and it's not only a matter of money, because he doesn't only owe them material things.
Sometimes Ryan thinks that, stranded in Chino without their credit cards, these rich brats wouldn't even last two days.
Ryan could survive on his own if he had to.
But Sandy is right.
Refusing people's help means keeping them at arm's length, not trusting them.
It means refusing to let his guard down.
It means being alone.
Surviving is not the same thing as living, and Ryan has already spent too many years feeling lonely.
5. (100 words)
Sandy says, "You're not alone, Ryan," several times a day, with words or by his actions, while Ryan wonders if it's possible to grieve for someone who's not dead, someone he hasn't seen in almost one year.
He spent his childhood and most of his teen-age years losing his mother, one little piece at a time. Every time she lied to him about the rent money, the boyfriend's easy-going nature or Ryan's self-worth, he lost her.
He still loses her every day that goes by without hearing from her.
Ryan just hopes that one day, the grieving process will stop.
Part Three
Off to bed now :)
Author : Helen C.
Rating : PG-13
Summary : A series of related drabbles, about Ryan and his families-both of them.
Spoilers : Everything up to The Ties That Bind is fair game.
Disclaimer : The characters and the universe were created and are owned by Josh Schwartz. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Warning : May be a tiny little bit angsty.
A/N : Many thanks to the awesome joey51 for beta'ing this!
Part II. Flesh and Blood
It is not flesh and blood but the heart which makes us fathers and sons.
Johann Schiller
1. (100 words)
Sandy asks, "Aren't you tired of feeling alone?"
Ryan thinks about Dawn, passing out in her own vomit, leaving him to clean up the mess. He thinks about all the times he called her work for her, explaining away her hangovers as bad cases of flu. He thinks about the sleepless nights wondering where they'd get the money for the rent, and dreading what would happen if they didn't get it.
I'm exhausted, he thinks.
He's not ready to say so, though.
"Let us help," Sandy adds.
Ryan thinks that maybe, some day, he'll be able to accept that help.
2. (150 words)
Sandy says, "I wish I could make it all better."
Every time he does, Ryan wants to scream.
Doesn't Sandy understand that there's nothing he can do? That there's nothing anyone can do?
No one can erase Ryan's memories.
No one can give him back his childhood.
No one can give him back his family, his home-dysfunctional as is was, it was his and he misses it sometimes.
In Newport, he's just a stranger living with his lawyer's family; he's not a son or a brother here, not really.
No one can take Dawn by the hand and force her to sober up, so she can be a mother again.
The only person who can help Dawn is herself, which means she's doomed. As is the Atwood family-with two members in jail, one God knows where, doing God knows what, and one in Newport.
All of them alone.
3. (200 words)
Sandy says, "Sometimes, you scare me, Ryan."
Ryan apologizes, then wonders if apologizing all the time is an Atwood trait.
Sometimes, when Ryan allows himself to think about the pathetic amount of time Dawn stayed sober before screwing things up again, he wants to cry. Does it mean that she doesn't love him enough to make an effort?
Probably.
Ryan learned long ago that he would never win that fight. Dawn will never stay sober on his behalf, and it still hurts to admit that his own mother will always choose a bottle of vodka over his own well-being.
Sometimes, when he thinks about all the disappointments, all the promises she didn't keep, all the apologies, he wants to scream.
And when he thinks that she's still out there somewhere, that if she doesn’t get herself killed, she'll come back and suffocate him with her needs again, he's disgusted with himself. She's his mother. He'll help her, because that's who he is. And she'll betray him again, because that's who she is.
He'll never be free of her, and he wants to punch a wall, a window, anything, to vent his anger.
If he believed it could help, he would.
4. (150 words)
Sandy says, "You know, when you refuse people's help, you also refuse to let them close. You also refuse to trust them."
Ryan already owes the Cohens so much-the clothes he wears, everything he eats and drinks, the roof over his head and the new chance in life.
He's not sure he'll ever be able to repay them-and it's not only a matter of money, because he doesn't only owe them material things.
Sometimes Ryan thinks that, stranded in Chino without their credit cards, these rich brats wouldn't even last two days.
Ryan could survive on his own if he had to.
But Sandy is right.
Refusing people's help means keeping them at arm's length, not trusting them.
It means refusing to let his guard down.
It means being alone.
Surviving is not the same thing as living, and Ryan has already spent too many years feeling lonely.
5. (100 words)
Sandy says, "You're not alone, Ryan," several times a day, with words or by his actions, while Ryan wonders if it's possible to grieve for someone who's not dead, someone he hasn't seen in almost one year.
He spent his childhood and most of his teen-age years losing his mother, one little piece at a time. Every time she lied to him about the rent money, the boyfriend's easy-going nature or Ryan's self-worth, he lost her.
He still loses her every day that goes by without hearing from her.
Ryan just hopes that one day, the grieving process will stop.
Part Three
Off to bed now :)