OC Fic : Empty Diary (1/11)
Title : Empty Diary
Author : Helen C.
Rating : PG-13
Summary : Car accident. Ryan. Amnesia. There, that's clear, isn’t it?
Disclaimer : The characters and the universe were created and are owned by Josh Schwartz. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
A/N. This story totally kicked my ass. I wrote the first few chapters, decided that it sucked, and tried to forget about it. It didn't work, so I struggled my way to the end, ending up with a very, very rough first draft that I didn't like. So, I again tried to forget about it. And again with the "didn't work." I re-worked the first chapter and sent it to Joey51 to get her opinion, thinking, "She'll just tell me I should trash it and move on to better things, and I'll listen to her, cause she's smart and she has good taste." Except Joey51 loved it, and then proceeded to gently nag me for more, and since I can't refuse my beta anything, I complied. Once we were done with the whole story, I still didn't like the beginning, so I re-wrote it again. That sound you're hearing is me banging my head on the desk. J
All this to say that this fic wouldn't be seeing the light of day if it hadn't been for Joey51's enthusiastic comments and invaluable help. Thanks, again!
Empty Diary
Helen C.
Memory... is the diary that we all carry about with us.
- Oscar Wilde, "The Importance of Being Earnest"
Prologue
The first time he awakes, the drugs are making everyone and everything look uncomfortably fuzzy.
He's in the hospital, someone tells him. He's fine. He has to stay calm.
Then, a doctor arrives and starts asking questions, and he's suddenly very grateful for the drugs that dull his feelings. He can't answer the most simple questions the doctor is asking, and even in his drugged up state, he knows that that's not normal.
He's scared, but thanks to the drugs, he can almost pretend he isn't.
Can almost pretend it's normal that he doesn't remember who he is and what he's doing here.
Can almost pretend the doctor's concerned frown doesn't make him wish he was still unconscious.
***
The day after that, a dark-haired man tells him that his name's Ryan Atwood, that he's sixteen, that he has been injured in a car accident, and that he's going to be fine. The man looks like he hasn't slept in ages-his hair dishevelled, his eyes red and puffy.
"Who are you?" Ryan asks.
The man flinches, smiles and says, "Later."
***
"Later," becomes a theme in Ryan's life.
People-doctors, the dark-haired man and his wife-keep telling him that he'll have answers to his questions later, that the amnesia is caused by the blow he took to the head during the accident, that maybe the memories will come back on their own.
"What if they don't?" Ryan asks one of the doctors.
The doctor looks away without replying.
***
The dark-haired man and his wife spend most of their time with him-except when the doctors take him away for yet another examination.
Ryan soon learns that their names are Sandy and Kirsten.
Sometimes, during the night, he can hear one or both of them crying, talking about a boy named Seth.
He gathers his courage to ask, "Who's Seth?"
Kirsten pales and leaves the room. Sandy brushes Ryan's hair from his forehead and says, "He was our son."
"Was?" Ryan pushes.
"He died in the accident," Sandy adds.
Ryan doesn't know what to say so he keeps quiet.
***
"You're not my father, are you?" he asks Sandy one day when the painkillers are making everything look blurry and distant.
Sandy looks surprised. "No, kid."
Ryan nods. That much he had guessed.
"Then why are you here?" he asks.
Sandy doesn't hesitate. "Because I love you."
***
Eventually, as he becomes more lucid for increasingly long periods of time, Kirsten and Sandy start answering his questions more openly.
He learns that he, Seth, and their respective girlfriends were on the road back from Los Angeles when another driver ran a red light.
The two girls are fine, Seth died on the site and Ryan has just spent a month unconscious.
"You scared us to death," Sandy says.
"Sorry."
He doesn't understand why Sandy smiles at that.
The Cohens tell him that he had problems with his parents and when his mother couldn't take care of him anymore, they took him in. "You got into trouble and I was your lawyer," Sandy explains.
"What kind of trouble?"
"You stole a car."
Ryan feels an incredulous laugh bubbling under the surface. This doesn't sound like him at all, but then, how would he know?
Ryan also learns that his family is a mess (as in his father and brother are in prison and his mother is AWOL) and that's why they're not here right now.
He tries not to dwell on the unspoken fact that his mother left him with his lawyer.
How can he not remember that?
***
He asks more questions, but the Cohens prove unable to answer most of them.
"You didn't share much about yourself," Kirsten once tells him, almost as an apology. "And we didn't dare push as long as you didn't seem comfortable."
"I thought I'd been with you for a few months." Were they still strangers to him, even before the accident?
Even after all these months?
"It's complicated," Kirsten hedges, and Ryan leaves it at that.
***
The first time he enters the Cohens' house, Ryan can't help but feel disappointed.
He had hoped that the place would trigger… something.
A memory from his past.
A vague feeling of recognition.
Anything.
It doesn't happen.
The Cohens show him the room where he used to sleep, tell him they set up another room inside the house for him, and when they leave him alone, Ryan spends an hour going through his things, searching for something familiar.
He doesn't find anything.
***
"You're lucky to be alive," people tell him-the Cohens, Luke, Summer and Marissa.
Ryan has blanked on most of the doctor's explanations about how serious his injuries were, but he knows they were bad.
The fact that his hair is barely an inch long, the fact that he spent a month in a coma and now needs PT to start moving around better, the fact that he has headaches that leave him nauseous and wiped out for days… all these things are clues as to what happened.
Yes, he's ready to believe he's lucky to have survived.
He still wishes he had been even luckier and had kept his memory intact.
Aside from being unnerving, having no idea who he is and how he used to relate to these people proves to be a serious hindrance sometimes, as he finds out the hard way, when he first meets Kirsten's father.
Chapter 1
Author : Helen C.
Rating : PG-13
Summary : Car accident. Ryan. Amnesia. There, that's clear, isn’t it?
Disclaimer : The characters and the universe were created and are owned by Josh Schwartz. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
A/N. This story totally kicked my ass. I wrote the first few chapters, decided that it sucked, and tried to forget about it. It didn't work, so I struggled my way to the end, ending up with a very, very rough first draft that I didn't like. So, I again tried to forget about it. And again with the "didn't work." I re-worked the first chapter and sent it to Joey51 to get her opinion, thinking, "She'll just tell me I should trash it and move on to better things, and I'll listen to her, cause she's smart and she has good taste." Except Joey51 loved it, and then proceeded to gently nag me for more, and since I can't refuse my beta anything, I complied. Once we were done with the whole story, I still didn't like the beginning, so I re-wrote it again. That sound you're hearing is me banging my head on the desk. J
All this to say that this fic wouldn't be seeing the light of day if it hadn't been for Joey51's enthusiastic comments and invaluable help. Thanks, again!
Empty Diary
Helen C.
Memory... is the diary that we all carry about with us.
- Oscar Wilde, "The Importance of Being Earnest"
Prologue
The first time he awakes, the drugs are making everyone and everything look uncomfortably fuzzy.
He's in the hospital, someone tells him. He's fine. He has to stay calm.
Then, a doctor arrives and starts asking questions, and he's suddenly very grateful for the drugs that dull his feelings. He can't answer the most simple questions the doctor is asking, and even in his drugged up state, he knows that that's not normal.
He's scared, but thanks to the drugs, he can almost pretend he isn't.
Can almost pretend it's normal that he doesn't remember who he is and what he's doing here.
Can almost pretend the doctor's concerned frown doesn't make him wish he was still unconscious.
***
The day after that, a dark-haired man tells him that his name's Ryan Atwood, that he's sixteen, that he has been injured in a car accident, and that he's going to be fine. The man looks like he hasn't slept in ages-his hair dishevelled, his eyes red and puffy.
"Who are you?" Ryan asks.
The man flinches, smiles and says, "Later."
***
"Later," becomes a theme in Ryan's life.
People-doctors, the dark-haired man and his wife-keep telling him that he'll have answers to his questions later, that the amnesia is caused by the blow he took to the head during the accident, that maybe the memories will come back on their own.
"What if they don't?" Ryan asks one of the doctors.
The doctor looks away without replying.
***
The dark-haired man and his wife spend most of their time with him-except when the doctors take him away for yet another examination.
Ryan soon learns that their names are Sandy and Kirsten.
Sometimes, during the night, he can hear one or both of them crying, talking about a boy named Seth.
He gathers his courage to ask, "Who's Seth?"
Kirsten pales and leaves the room. Sandy brushes Ryan's hair from his forehead and says, "He was our son."
"Was?" Ryan pushes.
"He died in the accident," Sandy adds.
Ryan doesn't know what to say so he keeps quiet.
***
"You're not my father, are you?" he asks Sandy one day when the painkillers are making everything look blurry and distant.
Sandy looks surprised. "No, kid."
Ryan nods. That much he had guessed.
"Then why are you here?" he asks.
Sandy doesn't hesitate. "Because I love you."
***
Eventually, as he becomes more lucid for increasingly long periods of time, Kirsten and Sandy start answering his questions more openly.
He learns that he, Seth, and their respective girlfriends were on the road back from Los Angeles when another driver ran a red light.
The two girls are fine, Seth died on the site and Ryan has just spent a month unconscious.
"You scared us to death," Sandy says.
"Sorry."
He doesn't understand why Sandy smiles at that.
The Cohens tell him that he had problems with his parents and when his mother couldn't take care of him anymore, they took him in. "You got into trouble and I was your lawyer," Sandy explains.
"What kind of trouble?"
"You stole a car."
Ryan feels an incredulous laugh bubbling under the surface. This doesn't sound like him at all, but then, how would he know?
Ryan also learns that his family is a mess (as in his father and brother are in prison and his mother is AWOL) and that's why they're not here right now.
He tries not to dwell on the unspoken fact that his mother left him with his lawyer.
How can he not remember that?
***
He asks more questions, but the Cohens prove unable to answer most of them.
"You didn't share much about yourself," Kirsten once tells him, almost as an apology. "And we didn't dare push as long as you didn't seem comfortable."
"I thought I'd been with you for a few months." Were they still strangers to him, even before the accident?
Even after all these months?
"It's complicated," Kirsten hedges, and Ryan leaves it at that.
***
The first time he enters the Cohens' house, Ryan can't help but feel disappointed.
He had hoped that the place would trigger… something.
A memory from his past.
A vague feeling of recognition.
Anything.
It doesn't happen.
The Cohens show him the room where he used to sleep, tell him they set up another room inside the house for him, and when they leave him alone, Ryan spends an hour going through his things, searching for something familiar.
He doesn't find anything.
***
"You're lucky to be alive," people tell him-the Cohens, Luke, Summer and Marissa.
Ryan has blanked on most of the doctor's explanations about how serious his injuries were, but he knows they were bad.
The fact that his hair is barely an inch long, the fact that he spent a month in a coma and now needs PT to start moving around better, the fact that he has headaches that leave him nauseous and wiped out for days… all these things are clues as to what happened.
Yes, he's ready to believe he's lucky to have survived.
He still wishes he had been even luckier and had kept his memory intact.
Aside from being unnerving, having no idea who he is and how he used to relate to these people proves to be a serious hindrance sometimes, as he finds out the hard way, when he first meets Kirsten's father.
Chapter 1