OC Fic : Empty Diary (10/11)
Title : Empty Diary
Author : Helen C.
Rating : PG-13
Summary : Car accident. Ryan. Amnesia. There, that's clear, isn’t it?
Disclaimer : The characters and the universe were created and are owned by Josh Schwartz. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
A/N. This fic wouldn't be seeing the light of day if it hadn't been for Joey's enthusiastic comments and invaluable help. Thanks, again!
Chapter Nine
Dawn's phone call isn't really a surprise.
Somehow, Ryan had been sure that she would call him again, and apologize, and maybe explain why it was better to do as AJ says.
He hadn't been wrong.
Dawn cries, pleads, begs him to understand, promises she'll do better.
If he just gives her one more chance.
She'll stop using, she'll stop drinking, she has already dumped AJ.
Maybe he can come visit.
It would mean so much to her.
All she needs is another chance.
Just another chance; she promises not to screw up this time.
Not like all the other times.
She knows she has been a bad mother to him, but surely he can give her one last chance to make everything better.
Ryan feels sick.
How many times did he hear all that before he met the Cohens?
How many times did she promise?
How many times did she ask for one more chance?
How many more chances has he given her?
Did he feel then like he does now?
Untrusting, sure she won't keep her promises.
Wanting to believe her.
Craving her affection.
Resenting her.
Wanting nothing to do with her.
Wanting her to get better, wanting to see her again.
Wanting her to want him.
"Please, baby," she says.
He doesn't have anything to say and even if he could, there's no way he could talk right now.
Not when all he wants to do is hurl the phone at the wall.
Or cry.
It hurts so much every time he thinks about her, every time it dawns on him, yet again, that she didn't love him enough to stand up to AJ.
Did that wound ever heal for his past self?
From what the Cohens have told him, he doubts it.
Dawn is still crying, her sobs making her words indecipherable.
Just as Ryan is sure that he's going to start yelling, Kirsten enters his room.
He must look as awful as he feels because she walks to him and snatches the phone from his hand.
She doesn't even need to ask.
"Dawn," she says, her tone polite.
She listens for a while, and her voice is downright frosty when she speaks again. "Given what happened the last time he went to see you in Chino, I don't think it's such a good idea."
Ryan can hear Dawn's wails in the distance. Kirsten closes her eyes, frustrated. "No, Dawn. When you get some help, when you're better, when you're not a danger to Ryan anymore, then we'll see. Not before."
She hangs up.
"I'm sorry," Ryan says. "She called, and I couldn't…"
I couldn't not take it, Kirsten. You must see that, right?
"I'm not going to forbid you from talking to your mother, Ryan. I wish I could, but you're old enough to make that decision." She meets his eyes. "I just hope that you'll come to us if it gets to be too much."
I don't want to stay in touch with Dawn.
I don't want to lose contact with Dawn.
Fuck.
That's screwed up, even for me.
Kirsten sits at his desk, absently putting the phone down on top of his history book. She looks tired and small-the way she looked right after Ryan had awoken in the hospital. It had been a long time since he had seen her that way. I did that, he thinks, a pang of guilt making him wince.
"I'm sorry," he repeats. He's not apologizing for speaking to Dawn this time and Kirsten seems to understand.
"I know." She tries to smile, but doesn't quite make it. "There's one thing I need to know."
Ryan swallows, his throat tight.
He knows what's coming.
He's only surprised it took so long.
At least Sandy got things out in the open immediately, asked his questions, accepted that Ryan couldn't really answer.
Kirsten hasn't really talked about Ryan's reasons for leaving, hasn't really talked to him at all, and Ryan is more worried than he wants to admit.
What if he lost her by going to see Dawn?
What if she can't forgive him for hurting her?
Her tone is remarkably even when she asks, "Why?"
Ryan's doesn't have an answer for that, short of, "Because I needed to know." Still he needs to try to answer her. He owes her that, at the very least.
"I needed to see for myself." He trusts Sandy and Kirsten. He always knew they weren't lying to him when they said they didn't know much, when they talked about what little they knew. But the fact is… "I'd never have believed it otherwise."
Kirsten isn't looking at him. Her eyes go from the windows to the books on the shelves until they settle on a picture on Ryan's desk-the Cohens, Seth and Ryan, at the only Christmas the four of them shared. He suddenly realizes that it has been weeks since she last talked about Seth in Ryan's presence, and that's yet another thing he feels guilty about. Her grief shouldn't have to take a backseat to his issues.
He had promised himself he'd help them to remember Seth, and somewhere along the line, he forgot that promise.
He forgot a lot of things in his quest for answers.
Like the fact that as much as this past year sucked for him, it has been so much worse for Kirsten and Sandy.
"So, the solution was lying to us, going to visit your brother in prison, coming back exhausted and covered in bruises?"
Ryan opens his mouth, closes it soundlessly. What can he say? He knew there were other options, they just didn't appeal to him.
Kirsten chuckles, taking him by surprise. "Oh, Ryan… You always do stuff like that. Always did. Telling us you're fine when you're everything but. Not wanting to be a bother, no matter how many times we tell you you're not. Rushing into these situations, not because you're stupid, but because you feel you need to do it." She rubs her eyes, still smiling. "We used to think it was because of your past, but now, I'm not so sure. Maybe it's just that you're a teenager, or that you're naturally stubborn. Sometimes, you're so much like the kid Sandy brought home."
Ryan looks at her, words long forgotten flowing back into his mind.
I miss them both. Seth, and even Ryan. That man… he took them both from us.
"Ryan?"
He shakes himself. He had understood then, on some level, what Kirsten meant. He had also felt hurt, at least partly because she was echoing his thoughts.
Part of himself died in that car accident, leaving an empty shell behind.
"I overheard you one night," he tells her. "I didn't mean to listen, I just…"
She rolls her eyes and gestures for him to continue, patient.
"You said that that driver had taken both your kids from you."
She blanches, her voice a whisper. "Oh."
"I guess I know what you meant, but-"
"I'm sorry," Kirsten says, cutting him off before he can continue fumbling through his explanation. "I didn't… I didn't mean that the way it sounded. I just meant… Before the accident, you were finally starting to get comfortable around us. You were finally getting used to our life, our family. And then…" She blinks back tears. "You lost all that. Everything you had learned from us, from Seth. Everything we had all learned from you. It was all back to square one. You didn't understand why you were with us and not your other family anymore. You didn't trust us anymore."
Ryan isn't sure what to say to that.
It's true.
It would have been true if he had been with his biological family, and for better reasons, but the fact that he was living with strangers who truly were, well, strangers, made things worse.
"But that was then," Kirsten adds. "We're a…" She trails off, looking at Ryan for confirmation. "That is, I think we're a family again, now. Just…"
"A different one?"
"If that makes sense."
A family. No alcohol in the house, lots of pictures of happier times, and Sandy and Kirsten, worrying about him and proving Steve right by grounding him until his wedding day.
Caring.
It makes a lot more sense than what he saw in Chino, even though he still feels drawn to Trey, to Chino. To his past.
"How are you feeling?" Kirsten asks. The same question she has asked every morning since he has come back, but this time, she's not talking about the faded bruises anymore.
"I don't know," he mutters. "I never meant to hurt you or Sandy."
"We know that."
"I just… she didn't even try to stop him. And she left me with you. And…" He looks at Kirsten, trusting her to tell him what he needs to hear-the truth. "She'll never come back, will she?"
"Do you want her to?"
"No," he says quickly. "I… I guess I want her to care. A little." Enough to at least miss me, sometimes.
"You want to understand," Kirsten finishes for him.
Of course, she knows that.
It has been Ryan's prime goal this year.
Remember the past, or failing that, at least understand where he comes from, and how he ended up living with the Cohens.
Belonging to their family.
Kirsten comes to sit with him on the bed, takes his hand in her own. "You never talked about it," she says. "When she left, you never even talked about her again. But I don't think you understood then either, and you had your memories of your life together back then, so that didn't help."
Painfully talking through the knot in his throat, he whispers, "She sat there and watched him hit me."
Kirsten and Sandy are not his biological parents, yet he has no doubts that they'd do anything to protect him, even if it meant risking their lives.
Dawn raised him, for better or for worse, and she couldn't be bothered to help him.
Couldn't even be bothered to pack up and leave AJ.
He closes his eyes-he's not going to cry because of her-and feels Kirsten move closer to him, take him into her arms.
"I'm sorry, sweetie," she says.
He nods in her shirt and breathes deeply, finally regaining some control.
Once he's calmer, she lets him go. "For what it's worth," she says, "I think that she left you with us because she sincerely wanted you to have a better life. Grow up safe. Not suffer from her mistakes anymore."
Ryan thinks back about Dawn's sobs and her begging earlier on the phone. "That wasn't the only reason," he mutters.
Kirsten shakes her head. "No. No, it wasn't. But it counts for something."
***
On the last day of school, Julia is watching on as Steve and Matt try to clean their lockers.
She looks equally entertained and disgusted, which is understandable, given what these two have collected throughout the year.
Ryan half expects small furry things to come running out of there. Sadly, that doesn't happen.
It would at least be entertaining.
Instead, his two friends fill a big garbage bag while Julia and Ryan-who took care of their things in the previous days and are both a lot tidier than Matt and Steve anyway-sit cross-legged in the hall and discuss their plans for the summer.
Julia still teases him every day, reminding him that he's grounded, and not about to see the light of day. "How will you deal with spending the summer grounded?"
"I'm hoping they'll change their minds."
Matt snorts, Julia chuckles, Steve throws him an "are-you-really-that-naïve?" look.
Okay, fine, he gets it already.
The Cohens won't change their minds.
But hey, a little hope has never killed anyone, right?
Right.
Besides, the Cohens at least allow him limited access to the TV, the phone and the computer. Very limited access, but it's better than nothing. "Since you're going to be grounded for a very, very, very long time, it's only fair that we allow you some privileges. We're not barbaric to the point of denying you access to technology for the rest of your teenage years," Sandy told him very seriously.
Plus…
"They said I could look for a job."
"You want to work?" Matt asks, his incredulous tone eliciting a wave of laughter from the other three.
"Why not?" Ryan asks when they've stopped chuckling. "I wouldn't mind making some money, and it beats staying home all day."
"What kind of work?" Julia asks. "Because, if it's a waiter thing, well, we could use a new place to hang out." She smiles brightly. "We'll even tip generously."
"Riiiight," Steve hisses under his breath. "Tip a buddy. That'll be the day."
"I'll let you know when I find something," Ryan throws in before the discussion can escalate. "And thanks."
Matt picks up a black… thing from the bottom of his locker, shoots a dubious glance at it and drops it in the garbage bag. "I'd tell you we're going to ask them to cut you some slack, but let's face it, Julia's the only one who's good at pleading with parents. She just has a trustworthy face."
Julia looks at him, frowning, but Steve and Ryan's serious nods make her smile. "Oh, fine. If they don't relent by the end of the summer, I'll try to convince them to allow you to come play with us a few times."
"A few times?" Matt repeats. "Nice… If that's the best you can do-"
"He took a bus to his old town and came back all beat up," she snaps back at him. "I'm no miracle worker."
"Anything you can do," Ryan throws in. "Anything at all."
There's a small silence which Matt and Steve use to go back to their cleaning up. When they seem busy enough, Julia asks softly, "Have you heard more from your other family, by the way?"
"A phone call from my mother. Another one from my brother. They didn't say much."
Actually, Dawn didn't say anything at all, just cried until Sandy took the phone from Ryan and hung up for him. Trey was almost nice, which was unnerving as hell. Trey doesn't do nice very well.
He also doesn't share much about his life, just saying that he doesn't want to talk about it.
"That's the way we Atwoods deal with things, bro. We ignore it, we forget it, and it's for the best."
Ryan still doesn't agree with him on the forgetting thing, but of course, he's the lucky one.
He has a new family and a chance to become something.
A chance to grow up safe and cared for.
Trey only has bitter memories and jail, and months to wait until he's out.
Still, his phone call made Ryan feel better-even if Trey found nine different ways to call him an idiot in under five minutes of conversation.
"You okay?" Julia asks. Ryan turns to look at her, suddenly aware that he was staring into space.
"Sure," Ryan replies.
Then Steve throws something at Matt, and Matt tries to find something to retaliate with and Ryan stops thinking about both his families for a little while, enjoying the moment and the company of his friends.
Epilogue
Author : Helen C.
Rating : PG-13
Summary : Car accident. Ryan. Amnesia. There, that's clear, isn’t it?
Disclaimer : The characters and the universe were created and are owned by Josh Schwartz. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
A/N. This fic wouldn't be seeing the light of day if it hadn't been for Joey's enthusiastic comments and invaluable help. Thanks, again!
Chapter Nine
Dawn's phone call isn't really a surprise.
Somehow, Ryan had been sure that she would call him again, and apologize, and maybe explain why it was better to do as AJ says.
He hadn't been wrong.
Dawn cries, pleads, begs him to understand, promises she'll do better.
If he just gives her one more chance.
She'll stop using, she'll stop drinking, she has already dumped AJ.
Maybe he can come visit.
It would mean so much to her.
All she needs is another chance.
Just another chance; she promises not to screw up this time.
Not like all the other times.
She knows she has been a bad mother to him, but surely he can give her one last chance to make everything better.
Ryan feels sick.
How many times did he hear all that before he met the Cohens?
How many times did she promise?
How many times did she ask for one more chance?
How many more chances has he given her?
Did he feel then like he does now?
Untrusting, sure she won't keep her promises.
Wanting to believe her.
Craving her affection.
Resenting her.
Wanting nothing to do with her.
Wanting her to get better, wanting to see her again.
Wanting her to want him.
"Please, baby," she says.
He doesn't have anything to say and even if he could, there's no way he could talk right now.
Not when all he wants to do is hurl the phone at the wall.
Or cry.
It hurts so much every time he thinks about her, every time it dawns on him, yet again, that she didn't love him enough to stand up to AJ.
Did that wound ever heal for his past self?
From what the Cohens have told him, he doubts it.
Dawn is still crying, her sobs making her words indecipherable.
Just as Ryan is sure that he's going to start yelling, Kirsten enters his room.
He must look as awful as he feels because she walks to him and snatches the phone from his hand.
She doesn't even need to ask.
"Dawn," she says, her tone polite.
She listens for a while, and her voice is downright frosty when she speaks again. "Given what happened the last time he went to see you in Chino, I don't think it's such a good idea."
Ryan can hear Dawn's wails in the distance. Kirsten closes her eyes, frustrated. "No, Dawn. When you get some help, when you're better, when you're not a danger to Ryan anymore, then we'll see. Not before."
She hangs up.
"I'm sorry," Ryan says. "She called, and I couldn't…"
I couldn't not take it, Kirsten. You must see that, right?
"I'm not going to forbid you from talking to your mother, Ryan. I wish I could, but you're old enough to make that decision." She meets his eyes. "I just hope that you'll come to us if it gets to be too much."
I don't want to stay in touch with Dawn.
I don't want to lose contact with Dawn.
Fuck.
That's screwed up, even for me.
Kirsten sits at his desk, absently putting the phone down on top of his history book. She looks tired and small-the way she looked right after Ryan had awoken in the hospital. It had been a long time since he had seen her that way. I did that, he thinks, a pang of guilt making him wince.
"I'm sorry," he repeats. He's not apologizing for speaking to Dawn this time and Kirsten seems to understand.
"I know." She tries to smile, but doesn't quite make it. "There's one thing I need to know."
Ryan swallows, his throat tight.
He knows what's coming.
He's only surprised it took so long.
At least Sandy got things out in the open immediately, asked his questions, accepted that Ryan couldn't really answer.
Kirsten hasn't really talked about Ryan's reasons for leaving, hasn't really talked to him at all, and Ryan is more worried than he wants to admit.
What if he lost her by going to see Dawn?
What if she can't forgive him for hurting her?
Her tone is remarkably even when she asks, "Why?"
Ryan's doesn't have an answer for that, short of, "Because I needed to know." Still he needs to try to answer her. He owes her that, at the very least.
"I needed to see for myself." He trusts Sandy and Kirsten. He always knew they weren't lying to him when they said they didn't know much, when they talked about what little they knew. But the fact is… "I'd never have believed it otherwise."
Kirsten isn't looking at him. Her eyes go from the windows to the books on the shelves until they settle on a picture on Ryan's desk-the Cohens, Seth and Ryan, at the only Christmas the four of them shared. He suddenly realizes that it has been weeks since she last talked about Seth in Ryan's presence, and that's yet another thing he feels guilty about. Her grief shouldn't have to take a backseat to his issues.
He had promised himself he'd help them to remember Seth, and somewhere along the line, he forgot that promise.
He forgot a lot of things in his quest for answers.
Like the fact that as much as this past year sucked for him, it has been so much worse for Kirsten and Sandy.
"So, the solution was lying to us, going to visit your brother in prison, coming back exhausted and covered in bruises?"
Ryan opens his mouth, closes it soundlessly. What can he say? He knew there were other options, they just didn't appeal to him.
Kirsten chuckles, taking him by surprise. "Oh, Ryan… You always do stuff like that. Always did. Telling us you're fine when you're everything but. Not wanting to be a bother, no matter how many times we tell you you're not. Rushing into these situations, not because you're stupid, but because you feel you need to do it." She rubs her eyes, still smiling. "We used to think it was because of your past, but now, I'm not so sure. Maybe it's just that you're a teenager, or that you're naturally stubborn. Sometimes, you're so much like the kid Sandy brought home."
Ryan looks at her, words long forgotten flowing back into his mind.
I miss them both. Seth, and even Ryan. That man… he took them both from us.
"Ryan?"
He shakes himself. He had understood then, on some level, what Kirsten meant. He had also felt hurt, at least partly because she was echoing his thoughts.
Part of himself died in that car accident, leaving an empty shell behind.
"I overheard you one night," he tells her. "I didn't mean to listen, I just…"
She rolls her eyes and gestures for him to continue, patient.
"You said that that driver had taken both your kids from you."
She blanches, her voice a whisper. "Oh."
"I guess I know what you meant, but-"
"I'm sorry," Kirsten says, cutting him off before he can continue fumbling through his explanation. "I didn't… I didn't mean that the way it sounded. I just meant… Before the accident, you were finally starting to get comfortable around us. You were finally getting used to our life, our family. And then…" She blinks back tears. "You lost all that. Everything you had learned from us, from Seth. Everything we had all learned from you. It was all back to square one. You didn't understand why you were with us and not your other family anymore. You didn't trust us anymore."
Ryan isn't sure what to say to that.
It's true.
It would have been true if he had been with his biological family, and for better reasons, but the fact that he was living with strangers who truly were, well, strangers, made things worse.
"But that was then," Kirsten adds. "We're a…" She trails off, looking at Ryan for confirmation. "That is, I think we're a family again, now. Just…"
"A different one?"
"If that makes sense."
A family. No alcohol in the house, lots of pictures of happier times, and Sandy and Kirsten, worrying about him and proving Steve right by grounding him until his wedding day.
Caring.
It makes a lot more sense than what he saw in Chino, even though he still feels drawn to Trey, to Chino. To his past.
"How are you feeling?" Kirsten asks. The same question she has asked every morning since he has come back, but this time, she's not talking about the faded bruises anymore.
"I don't know," he mutters. "I never meant to hurt you or Sandy."
"We know that."
"I just… she didn't even try to stop him. And she left me with you. And…" He looks at Kirsten, trusting her to tell him what he needs to hear-the truth. "She'll never come back, will she?"
"Do you want her to?"
"No," he says quickly. "I… I guess I want her to care. A little." Enough to at least miss me, sometimes.
"You want to understand," Kirsten finishes for him.
Of course, she knows that.
It has been Ryan's prime goal this year.
Remember the past, or failing that, at least understand where he comes from, and how he ended up living with the Cohens.
Belonging to their family.
Kirsten comes to sit with him on the bed, takes his hand in her own. "You never talked about it," she says. "When she left, you never even talked about her again. But I don't think you understood then either, and you had your memories of your life together back then, so that didn't help."
Painfully talking through the knot in his throat, he whispers, "She sat there and watched him hit me."
Kirsten and Sandy are not his biological parents, yet he has no doubts that they'd do anything to protect him, even if it meant risking their lives.
Dawn raised him, for better or for worse, and she couldn't be bothered to help him.
Couldn't even be bothered to pack up and leave AJ.
He closes his eyes-he's not going to cry because of her-and feels Kirsten move closer to him, take him into her arms.
"I'm sorry, sweetie," she says.
He nods in her shirt and breathes deeply, finally regaining some control.
Once he's calmer, she lets him go. "For what it's worth," she says, "I think that she left you with us because she sincerely wanted you to have a better life. Grow up safe. Not suffer from her mistakes anymore."
Ryan thinks back about Dawn's sobs and her begging earlier on the phone. "That wasn't the only reason," he mutters.
Kirsten shakes her head. "No. No, it wasn't. But it counts for something."
***
On the last day of school, Julia is watching on as Steve and Matt try to clean their lockers.
She looks equally entertained and disgusted, which is understandable, given what these two have collected throughout the year.
Ryan half expects small furry things to come running out of there. Sadly, that doesn't happen.
It would at least be entertaining.
Instead, his two friends fill a big garbage bag while Julia and Ryan-who took care of their things in the previous days and are both a lot tidier than Matt and Steve anyway-sit cross-legged in the hall and discuss their plans for the summer.
Julia still teases him every day, reminding him that he's grounded, and not about to see the light of day. "How will you deal with spending the summer grounded?"
"I'm hoping they'll change their minds."
Matt snorts, Julia chuckles, Steve throws him an "are-you-really-that-naïve?" look.
Okay, fine, he gets it already.
The Cohens won't change their minds.
But hey, a little hope has never killed anyone, right?
Right.
Besides, the Cohens at least allow him limited access to the TV, the phone and the computer. Very limited access, but it's better than nothing. "Since you're going to be grounded for a very, very, very long time, it's only fair that we allow you some privileges. We're not barbaric to the point of denying you access to technology for the rest of your teenage years," Sandy told him very seriously.
Plus…
"They said I could look for a job."
"You want to work?" Matt asks, his incredulous tone eliciting a wave of laughter from the other three.
"Why not?" Ryan asks when they've stopped chuckling. "I wouldn't mind making some money, and it beats staying home all day."
"What kind of work?" Julia asks. "Because, if it's a waiter thing, well, we could use a new place to hang out." She smiles brightly. "We'll even tip generously."
"Riiiight," Steve hisses under his breath. "Tip a buddy. That'll be the day."
"I'll let you know when I find something," Ryan throws in before the discussion can escalate. "And thanks."
Matt picks up a black… thing from the bottom of his locker, shoots a dubious glance at it and drops it in the garbage bag. "I'd tell you we're going to ask them to cut you some slack, but let's face it, Julia's the only one who's good at pleading with parents. She just has a trustworthy face."
Julia looks at him, frowning, but Steve and Ryan's serious nods make her smile. "Oh, fine. If they don't relent by the end of the summer, I'll try to convince them to allow you to come play with us a few times."
"A few times?" Matt repeats. "Nice… If that's the best you can do-"
"He took a bus to his old town and came back all beat up," she snaps back at him. "I'm no miracle worker."
"Anything you can do," Ryan throws in. "Anything at all."
There's a small silence which Matt and Steve use to go back to their cleaning up. When they seem busy enough, Julia asks softly, "Have you heard more from your other family, by the way?"
"A phone call from my mother. Another one from my brother. They didn't say much."
Actually, Dawn didn't say anything at all, just cried until Sandy took the phone from Ryan and hung up for him. Trey was almost nice, which was unnerving as hell. Trey doesn't do nice very well.
He also doesn't share much about his life, just saying that he doesn't want to talk about it.
"That's the way we Atwoods deal with things, bro. We ignore it, we forget it, and it's for the best."
Ryan still doesn't agree with him on the forgetting thing, but of course, he's the lucky one.
He has a new family and a chance to become something.
A chance to grow up safe and cared for.
Trey only has bitter memories and jail, and months to wait until he's out.
Still, his phone call made Ryan feel better-even if Trey found nine different ways to call him an idiot in under five minutes of conversation.
"You okay?" Julia asks. Ryan turns to look at her, suddenly aware that he was staring into space.
"Sure," Ryan replies.
Then Steve throws something at Matt, and Matt tries to find something to retaliate with and Ryan stops thinking about both his families for a little while, enjoying the moment and the company of his friends.
Epilogue