OC Fic : What Doesn't Kill Us (1/3)
Title : What doesn't kill us…
Author : Helen C.
Rating : PG-13, I guess.
Summary : What Trey did is the one thing Ryan will never be able to forgive, the one thing he doesn't want to forgive.
Disclaimer : The characters and the universe were created and are owned by Josh Schwartz. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
AN. Many thanks for joey51 for the beta job.
This one has been sitting on my hard drive for over a year. I've always felt that something was missing. I still do, but I'm done trying to figure out what it is. I'll just post it and move on to better things. Yes.
I hope you guys will enjoy anyway.
Oh, and I guess I should warn : nothing graphic, but disturbing subject anyway.
What doesn't kill us…
Helen C.
Part One
"I'm sorry," Marissa says.
Ryan tenses up involuntarily, as he always does whenever someone apologizes these days.
And everyone apologizes, all the time.
Marissa, because she shot Trey, and lied to Ryan.
Seth, because he's the one who told Ryan.
Summer, because she's the one who told Seth.
Kirsten, because she wasn't there when she should have been.
Sandy, because he brought Trey home in the first place.
Ryan wants to tell them that he's the only one at fault here, wants to be able to convince them that they have nothing to be sorry for.
Marissa saved Ryan's life.
Seth and Summer didn't tell Ryan to go fight with his brother-Ryan made that decision all by himself.
Kirsten needed help, and got it, which is a lot more than Dawn ever did.
At least, he can kind of understand why Sandy keeps apologizing.
In a "don’t-be-stupid-Sandy" kind of way.
In a "you-couldn't-have-known-so-stop-it-already" kind of way.
Ryan understands Sandy's need to protect his family, and understands why Sandy would feel like he failed to do that this time.
But in the end, Ryan's the one who screwed up.
Well, he and Trey.
Clearly.
Marissa…
Marissa shouldn't apologize to anyone.
She's the victim here, and she tried to do the best thing she could think of when she fired that gun.
"Don't-" Ryan says, but Marissa is having none of it.
"No, I want to… If I had told you immediately, instead of trying to hide it, perhaps things would have been different."
Except that, if she had talked to Ryan earlier, Ryan would just have gone to "see" Trey earlier.
It was bound to happen eventually, because Ryan and Trey are both alike-they both get angry too easily, and no matter what, sooner or later, for one thing or another, Trey and Ryan were going to settle old scores.
Marissa and the Cohens couldn't have predicted that, couldn't have done anything to stop it, anymore than they could stop Earth from spinning-but Ryan knew. Ryan had always felt that some day, it would come to this.
Ryan and Trey deal with their anger by using their fists.
Always.
Just like…
Well, just like more than a few of Dawn's boyfriends, and that disturbs Ryan more than he's willing to admit.
There always was, and there still is, a lot of anger between them-too many betrayals, too many failures to protect each other, too much resentment, on both sides.
Too many bad memories that they never talked about, either because they couldn't or because they didn't want to, but that are still here, that are still making them who they are, no matter how much they try to deny it.
And what Trey did…
What Trey did is the one thing Ryan will never be able to forgive, the one thing he doesn't want to forgive.
He doesn't care about explanations.
He doesn't care how wasted Trey was.
He doesn't care what Trey thought.
Nothing can make this better, not after…
Not after.
And one day, maybe, he'll tell Marissa about it-that thing that he doesn't name, ever, and that he rarely thinks about, and that he certainly never puts into words, not even in his mind.
Perhaps Marissa will feel better, knowing that he really understand, beyond words and intellectualisation, with his guts and in his flesh.
And perhaps the two of them will be stronger when he tells her.
One day.
Not today.
He's not ready yet.
"I'm sorry, too," Ryan says. Because he apologizes too, all the time, for all the good that does to anyone.
"It wasn't your fault."
Ryan sighs.
They've had this discussion too many times already.
They're running in circles, repeating apologies and the meaningless, "It's okay," and nothing gets resolved, and Ryan doesn't know what he can do to make that stop.
Or, well, he does know.
He's just not ready to do it yet.
Not ready for Marissa to realize that his reluctance to sleep with her is due to more than his so-called chivalry, not ready for her to realize that he wasn't fighting with Trey solely because of her, not ready for her to become afraid to touch him, as he's afraid to touch her.
Afraid of bringing back painful, dark memories.
One day, he will be ready.
Just not today.
Part Two
Author : Helen C.
Rating : PG-13, I guess.
Summary : What Trey did is the one thing Ryan will never be able to forgive, the one thing he doesn't want to forgive.
Disclaimer : The characters and the universe were created and are owned by Josh Schwartz. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
AN. Many thanks for joey51 for the beta job.
This one has been sitting on my hard drive for over a year. I've always felt that something was missing. I still do, but I'm done trying to figure out what it is. I'll just post it and move on to better things. Yes.
I hope you guys will enjoy anyway.
Oh, and I guess I should warn : nothing graphic, but disturbing subject anyway.
What doesn't kill us…
Helen C.
Part One
"I'm sorry," Marissa says.
Ryan tenses up involuntarily, as he always does whenever someone apologizes these days.
And everyone apologizes, all the time.
Marissa, because she shot Trey, and lied to Ryan.
Seth, because he's the one who told Ryan.
Summer, because she's the one who told Seth.
Kirsten, because she wasn't there when she should have been.
Sandy, because he brought Trey home in the first place.
Ryan wants to tell them that he's the only one at fault here, wants to be able to convince them that they have nothing to be sorry for.
Marissa saved Ryan's life.
Seth and Summer didn't tell Ryan to go fight with his brother-Ryan made that decision all by himself.
Kirsten needed help, and got it, which is a lot more than Dawn ever did.
At least, he can kind of understand why Sandy keeps apologizing.
In a "don’t-be-stupid-Sandy" kind of way.
In a "you-couldn't-have-known-so-stop-it-already" kind of way.
Ryan understands Sandy's need to protect his family, and understands why Sandy would feel like he failed to do that this time.
But in the end, Ryan's the one who screwed up.
Well, he and Trey.
Clearly.
Marissa…
Marissa shouldn't apologize to anyone.
She's the victim here, and she tried to do the best thing she could think of when she fired that gun.
"Don't-" Ryan says, but Marissa is having none of it.
"No, I want to… If I had told you immediately, instead of trying to hide it, perhaps things would have been different."
Except that, if she had talked to Ryan earlier, Ryan would just have gone to "see" Trey earlier.
It was bound to happen eventually, because Ryan and Trey are both alike-they both get angry too easily, and no matter what, sooner or later, for one thing or another, Trey and Ryan were going to settle old scores.
Marissa and the Cohens couldn't have predicted that, couldn't have done anything to stop it, anymore than they could stop Earth from spinning-but Ryan knew. Ryan had always felt that some day, it would come to this.
Ryan and Trey deal with their anger by using their fists.
Always.
Just like…
Well, just like more than a few of Dawn's boyfriends, and that disturbs Ryan more than he's willing to admit.
There always was, and there still is, a lot of anger between them-too many betrayals, too many failures to protect each other, too much resentment, on both sides.
Too many bad memories that they never talked about, either because they couldn't or because they didn't want to, but that are still here, that are still making them who they are, no matter how much they try to deny it.
And what Trey did…
What Trey did is the one thing Ryan will never be able to forgive, the one thing he doesn't want to forgive.
He doesn't care about explanations.
He doesn't care how wasted Trey was.
He doesn't care what Trey thought.
Nothing can make this better, not after…
Not after.
And one day, maybe, he'll tell Marissa about it-that thing that he doesn't name, ever, and that he rarely thinks about, and that he certainly never puts into words, not even in his mind.
Perhaps Marissa will feel better, knowing that he really understand, beyond words and intellectualisation, with his guts and in his flesh.
And perhaps the two of them will be stronger when he tells her.
One day.
Not today.
He's not ready yet.
"I'm sorry, too," Ryan says. Because he apologizes too, all the time, for all the good that does to anyone.
"It wasn't your fault."
Ryan sighs.
They've had this discussion too many times already.
They're running in circles, repeating apologies and the meaningless, "It's okay," and nothing gets resolved, and Ryan doesn't know what he can do to make that stop.
Or, well, he does know.
He's just not ready to do it yet.
Not ready for Marissa to realize that his reluctance to sleep with her is due to more than his so-called chivalry, not ready for her to realize that he wasn't fighting with Trey solely because of her, not ready for her to become afraid to touch him, as he's afraid to touch her.
Afraid of bringing back painful, dark memories.
One day, he will be ready.
Just not today.
Part Two