OC Fic : What doesn't kill us… (3/3)
Title : What doesn't kill us…
Author : Helen C.
Rating : PG-13, I guess.
Summary : What Trey did is the one thing Ryan will never be able to forgive, the one thing he doesn't want to forgive.
Disclaimer : The characters and the universe were created and are owned by Josh Schwartz. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
AN. Many thanks to joey51 for the beta job.
Warning : nothing graphic, but disturbing subject anyway.
Part Three
Ryan tells Marissa everything on New Year's Eve.
The Cohens have gone out, Seth and Summer are in Seth's room, and Ryan and Marissa are watching a movie in the den.
"Could we be more boring?" Summer asked when she arrived.
"Probably not," Ryan replied, shrugging.
He doesn't care about stuff like that anymore.
What he cares about is Marissa, falling asleep, her head on his shoulder, and waking up with a gasp half an hour later.
"You okay?" Ryan asks.
She nods, smiling weakly. "This is so stupid," she sighs. "It's been months… I'm sorry."
Ryan doesn't mean to snap at her, but he does. "Stop it!"
He can still hear Dawn.
Just like your brother.
Trey never talked about it.
The one time Ryan tried to broach the subject, Trey yelled that nothing had happened, that Ryan was a fucking punk, and that if he ever said anything about it ever again, Trey would kill him.
Ryan never mentioned it again.
In time, he almost managed to forget about it.
Ryan doesn't want to be just like his brother.
He wants to help people, not hurt them.
There's something he can do for Marissa, right now-he can show Marissa that she can survive and get better, as Ryan did, and will again.
That's something Trey didn't do for Ryan-perhaps because he couldn't, perhaps because it would have been difficult, and Trey has never been one to take on a challenge.
That's something that might make this entire experience a little less hard to live with-because if he can make Marissa understand that he knows how she feels, maybe it will all have been for something.
If something useful can come out of this… then, Ryan has to try.
"Stop apologizing," he adds, more softly.
She looks at him, her eyes wide. "I'm…" She starts to get up and he catches her wrist.
"We need to talk," Ryan says, and he could kick himself when he sees Marissa pale. "Not… I just have stuff that I need to tell you," he adds.
She nods hesitantly, and he gets to his feet. "Let's go to the pool house." He doesn't really want to have this discussion in his room, but he doesn't want to take the risk of being interrupted by Summer or Seth either.
A small part of himself, the one that's terminally unsure about everything, the one that wants to keep his past protected at all costs, objects softly.
She'll never speak to you again.
She'll be disgusted.
She'll pity you.
She'll tell others, and everyone will know.
Ryan feels his heartbeat speed up, but he won't stop, not this time.
He has waited long enough; they need to move on now, they need to find a way to function again after what happened, and clearly, ignoring matters is not working.
He gets up and makes his way to the pool house, still holding Marissa's wrist, and she follows him.
***
They enter and sit side by side on the bed, not touching, and keep silent for a long while, as Ryan tries to gather his thoughts.
"What are we doing here?" Marissa asks at last.
Ryan's heart is beating even faster than it was before, he's cold and sweaty, and he has to fight not to run from the room.
"There are things I need to tell you," he says. Every word is a struggle, making him wonder if he'll be able to tell her everything, or anything at all, really.
"Okay."
She waits, and Ryan realizes that somewhere along the line, Marissa grew more patient, and more able to listen.
"I didn't want Trey here because I thought he was going to try and take advantage of the Cohens," Ryan says. "I though he'd try to steal from people around here. I thought he'd try to steal from the Cohens. I though he'd bully me into doing something stupid. But I never, ever thought that he'd try to…" He swallows painfully. "I never thought he'd tried to rape you, or anyone else. I never…"
He trails off and puts his face in his hands, out of breath.
He needs her to understand this so badly-that he never meant for her to be put into this situation, that he never thought Trey would do that.
If he can't even get that much out, what will happen when he goes on?
After a while, he feels Marissa's hand on his hair. "Ryan?"
His hands still covering his face, he adds, "The reason I never thought Trey would do that, is that… Life at home wasn't… He…" Ryan takes a deep breath then, tries to gather enough courage to finish what he has started. "He knew, he knows what it's like. To go through something like that."
Marissa's hand goes from his hair to his neck, making him shiver.
"We both know what it's like," he adds.
He hasn't looked at Marissa yet, doesn't think he'll ever be able to do so again, and she comes closer to him, leans her head on his shoulder.
"Ryan…"
"I wanted you to know that," he says. "Because… Because."
When she speaks again, her voice is hoarse. "How did you ever manage to move past that?"
That wasn't the question he expected, and he almost blurts out, What makes you think I did?
"Sometimes, I can still… feel his hands," Marissa says, almost in a whisper.
Ryan remembers that-remembers how, in the first few weeks after he kept showering all the time, trying to get rid of that feeling. How, after a while, the feeling started to wane-except in his nightmares. How, after he learned what Trey had done to Marissa, he started showering all the time again. How, this time, it's not getting better.
"I still do sometimes," Ryan admit. "Almost never, but sometimes, when something happens."
Something like his brother trying to rape his girlfriend.
Something like a man in the street looking too much like the asshole who…
Well.
"It does get better," Ryan adds, because the whole point of this exercise was to let Marissa knows that it won't always be that way, that eventually, better days will come.
"Yeah?"
Ryan smiles sadly. "Yes. Trust me."
He tilts his head to the side as she whispers, "I do."
He thinks she's crying, but his own vision is so blurry that it's hard to tell.
They hold on to each other for a long while, soaking in each other's warmth.
***
Two hours later, they are lying on the bed in each other's arms, watching the countdown.
"Do you think we'll get better?" Marissa asks.
Ryan thinks about the nightmare in which he saw himself raping Marissa.
He thinks about Just like your brother.
He thinks about Trey, clinging so hard to the notion that nothing had happened.
He thinks about the fact that he can actually consider telling the Cohens without breaking out in a cold sweat.
He thinks about the fact that he did just tell Marissa-which, a few months ago, would have been unconceivable.
"Yeah," he says.
Marissa nods, her hand coming to rest on his chest.
"Thirty seconds until this year is over," she says.
"Thank Jesus and Moses."
She giggles.
"Here's to hoping this year will be better," she says, leaning down to kiss him.
When they break apart, there are fireworks on the TV screen.
"Here's to hoping," Ryan says, softly.
end
Author : Helen C.
Rating : PG-13, I guess.
Summary : What Trey did is the one thing Ryan will never be able to forgive, the one thing he doesn't want to forgive.
Disclaimer : The characters and the universe were created and are owned by Josh Schwartz. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
AN. Many thanks to joey51 for the beta job.
Warning : nothing graphic, but disturbing subject anyway.
Part Three
Ryan tells Marissa everything on New Year's Eve.
The Cohens have gone out, Seth and Summer are in Seth's room, and Ryan and Marissa are watching a movie in the den.
"Could we be more boring?" Summer asked when she arrived.
"Probably not," Ryan replied, shrugging.
He doesn't care about stuff like that anymore.
What he cares about is Marissa, falling asleep, her head on his shoulder, and waking up with a gasp half an hour later.
"You okay?" Ryan asks.
She nods, smiling weakly. "This is so stupid," she sighs. "It's been months… I'm sorry."
Ryan doesn't mean to snap at her, but he does. "Stop it!"
He can still hear Dawn.
Just like your brother.
Trey never talked about it.
The one time Ryan tried to broach the subject, Trey yelled that nothing had happened, that Ryan was a fucking punk, and that if he ever said anything about it ever again, Trey would kill him.
Ryan never mentioned it again.
In time, he almost managed to forget about it.
Ryan doesn't want to be just like his brother.
He wants to help people, not hurt them.
There's something he can do for Marissa, right now-he can show Marissa that she can survive and get better, as Ryan did, and will again.
That's something Trey didn't do for Ryan-perhaps because he couldn't, perhaps because it would have been difficult, and Trey has never been one to take on a challenge.
That's something that might make this entire experience a little less hard to live with-because if he can make Marissa understand that he knows how she feels, maybe it will all have been for something.
If something useful can come out of this… then, Ryan has to try.
"Stop apologizing," he adds, more softly.
She looks at him, her eyes wide. "I'm…" She starts to get up and he catches her wrist.
"We need to talk," Ryan says, and he could kick himself when he sees Marissa pale. "Not… I just have stuff that I need to tell you," he adds.
She nods hesitantly, and he gets to his feet. "Let's go to the pool house." He doesn't really want to have this discussion in his room, but he doesn't want to take the risk of being interrupted by Summer or Seth either.
A small part of himself, the one that's terminally unsure about everything, the one that wants to keep his past protected at all costs, objects softly.
She'll never speak to you again.
She'll be disgusted.
She'll pity you.
She'll tell others, and everyone will know.
Ryan feels his heartbeat speed up, but he won't stop, not this time.
He has waited long enough; they need to move on now, they need to find a way to function again after what happened, and clearly, ignoring matters is not working.
He gets up and makes his way to the pool house, still holding Marissa's wrist, and she follows him.
***
They enter and sit side by side on the bed, not touching, and keep silent for a long while, as Ryan tries to gather his thoughts.
"What are we doing here?" Marissa asks at last.
Ryan's heart is beating even faster than it was before, he's cold and sweaty, and he has to fight not to run from the room.
"There are things I need to tell you," he says. Every word is a struggle, making him wonder if he'll be able to tell her everything, or anything at all, really.
"Okay."
She waits, and Ryan realizes that somewhere along the line, Marissa grew more patient, and more able to listen.
"I didn't want Trey here because I thought he was going to try and take advantage of the Cohens," Ryan says. "I though he'd try to steal from people around here. I thought he'd try to steal from the Cohens. I though he'd bully me into doing something stupid. But I never, ever thought that he'd try to…" He swallows painfully. "I never thought he'd tried to rape you, or anyone else. I never…"
He trails off and puts his face in his hands, out of breath.
He needs her to understand this so badly-that he never meant for her to be put into this situation, that he never thought Trey would do that.
If he can't even get that much out, what will happen when he goes on?
After a while, he feels Marissa's hand on his hair. "Ryan?"
His hands still covering his face, he adds, "The reason I never thought Trey would do that, is that… Life at home wasn't… He…" Ryan takes a deep breath then, tries to gather enough courage to finish what he has started. "He knew, he knows what it's like. To go through something like that."
Marissa's hand goes from his hair to his neck, making him shiver.
"We both know what it's like," he adds.
He hasn't looked at Marissa yet, doesn't think he'll ever be able to do so again, and she comes closer to him, leans her head on his shoulder.
"Ryan…"
"I wanted you to know that," he says. "Because… Because."
When she speaks again, her voice is hoarse. "How did you ever manage to move past that?"
That wasn't the question he expected, and he almost blurts out, What makes you think I did?
"Sometimes, I can still… feel his hands," Marissa says, almost in a whisper.
Ryan remembers that-remembers how, in the first few weeks after he kept showering all the time, trying to get rid of that feeling. How, after a while, the feeling started to wane-except in his nightmares. How, after he learned what Trey had done to Marissa, he started showering all the time again. How, this time, it's not getting better.
"I still do sometimes," Ryan admit. "Almost never, but sometimes, when something happens."
Something like his brother trying to rape his girlfriend.
Something like a man in the street looking too much like the asshole who…
Well.
"It does get better," Ryan adds, because the whole point of this exercise was to let Marissa knows that it won't always be that way, that eventually, better days will come.
"Yeah?"
Ryan smiles sadly. "Yes. Trust me."
He tilts his head to the side as she whispers, "I do."
He thinks she's crying, but his own vision is so blurry that it's hard to tell.
They hold on to each other for a long while, soaking in each other's warmth.
***
Two hours later, they are lying on the bed in each other's arms, watching the countdown.
"Do you think we'll get better?" Marissa asks.
Ryan thinks about the nightmare in which he saw himself raping Marissa.
He thinks about Just like your brother.
He thinks about Trey, clinging so hard to the notion that nothing had happened.
He thinks about the fact that he can actually consider telling the Cohens without breaking out in a cold sweat.
He thinks about the fact that he did just tell Marissa-which, a few months ago, would have been unconceivable.
"Yeah," he says.
Marissa nods, her hand coming to rest on his chest.
"Thirty seconds until this year is over," she says.
"Thank Jesus and Moses."
She giggles.
"Here's to hoping this year will be better," she says, leaning down to kiss him.
When they break apart, there are fireworks on the TV screen.
"Here's to hoping," Ryan says, softly.
end