'You're way too quiet, Bev.'
A coworker said that to me this afternoon. She's also recently remarked on how I don't go out with them to R.J. Gator's for margaritas, etc. I just smiled at her and said that I've been way too busy, but that I would eventually make it to one of these after-work get-togethers.
But... It got me thinking about the real reason I find any excuse I can to not go.
Some of you won't understand any of this, as you weren't around for any of it. This isn't something that I really want to 'discuss' at the moment, so please understand if I seem to be babbling incoherently or don't go into great details. This really is just me doing some naval-gazing, as my cut-tag says.
Anyway. On with the story.
When I first moved back to Florida, I was hurt and angry on several levels with several people I called friends. I lashed out, in a round-about way on my old journal. Which, in turn, caused someone else to tell me exactly how worthless a human being he thought I was, how everyone would laugh and talk about me behind my back and how I wasn't good enough and didn't deserve the 'friends' that I had.
Thus, I disappeared.
See, I actually believed what he said. That I wasn't good enough or worth being a friend to. And, if that were true, then I had no business being here or *anywhere*.
I came back only when ilysanth and luricanson ordered asked me to. When I did come back, I came back under a new name. But I wasn't trying to hide or avoid anyone. If I had been, I wouldn't have picked the name that I did, nor would I have friended some of the same people I had before. By the same token, I wasn't actively going out of my way to contact people, as I figured if they cared to, they'd find me easy enough. (Yes, yes... I know I wasn't exactly being fair to some of you there. For that I apologize. But those of you who know the parts I'm NOT telling here should understand that, while selfish, I had my reasons for it and felt it was the best thing to do at the time. I still do, too.) Some of them did. And for those people I am extremely grateful.
Anyway, yes, this does tie in with the coworker thing. I promise, I'll get to it.
Since I arrived back in Florida, I've gone out with friends a small handful of times. Normally, I find excuses to not go out, though sometimes they come and literaly DRAG me out.
This is NOT normal for me. Not so very long ago, I *lived* to get together with friends. And it's been bothering me for a while now.
I know exactly WHY I do this... Sabotage my own fun.
I am deathly afraid that what my 'friend' said is true on some level. That I'm NOT worth knowing or being a friend to. That, somehow, I am so very flawed that NO ONE could ever love me or truly want to be my friend.
I know in my heart that isn't TRUE. But, the voices in my head keep wispering his words over and over. And I am deathly afraid of 'disappointing' MORE people that I consider friends. I worry constantly about that. To the point that I actually lose sleep over it. Even my therapist hasn't been able to convince me that my 'friend' was wrong.
So. To make an already long story just a wee bit shorter: I am currently a mass of insecurity. But I'm getting better. Slowly and with patience, perhaps I'll be my old fun-loving, confident self again. That would be real nice.
It amazes me on a daily basis that there ARE people who love me and care about me. I can't figure out why they do, though. My biggest supports have been ilysanth and luricanson. I don't know what I would have done without them. And I don't know what I did to deserve them. They've seen me at my worst and talked to me for HOURS on end about it all and still deem me worth knowing.
So, perhaps he was wrong. Perhaps I'm not really the hopeless case he said I was. Now, let's see if I can convince my brain of that.
But... It got me thinking about the real reason I find any excuse I can to not go.
Some of you won't understand any of this, as you weren't around for any of it. This isn't something that I really want to 'discuss' at the moment, so please understand if I seem to be babbling incoherently or don't go into great details. This really is just me doing some naval-gazing, as my cut-tag says.
Anyway. On with the story.
When I first moved back to Florida, I was hurt and angry on several levels with several people I called friends. I lashed out, in a round-about way on my old journal. Which, in turn, caused someone else to tell me exactly how worthless a human being he thought I was, how everyone would laugh and talk about me behind my back and how I wasn't good enough and didn't deserve the 'friends' that I had.
Thus, I disappeared.
See, I actually believed what he said. That I wasn't good enough or worth being a friend to. And, if that were true, then I had no business being here or *anywhere*.
I came back only when ilysanth and luricanson ordered asked me to. When I did come back, I came back under a new name. But I wasn't trying to hide or avoid anyone. If I had been, I wouldn't have picked the name that I did, nor would I have friended some of the same people I had before. By the same token, I wasn't actively going out of my way to contact people, as I figured if they cared to, they'd find me easy enough. (Yes, yes... I know I wasn't exactly being fair to some of you there. For that I apologize. But those of you who know the parts I'm NOT telling here should understand that, while selfish, I had my reasons for it and felt it was the best thing to do at the time. I still do, too.) Some of them did. And for those people I am extremely grateful.
Anyway, yes, this does tie in with the coworker thing. I promise, I'll get to it.
Since I arrived back in Florida, I've gone out with friends a small handful of times. Normally, I find excuses to not go out, though sometimes they come and literaly DRAG me out.
This is NOT normal for me. Not so very long ago, I *lived* to get together with friends. And it's been bothering me for a while now.
I know exactly WHY I do this... Sabotage my own fun.
I am deathly afraid that what my 'friend' said is true on some level. That I'm NOT worth knowing or being a friend to. That, somehow, I am so very flawed that NO ONE could ever love me or truly want to be my friend.
I know in my heart that isn't TRUE. But, the voices in my head keep wispering his words over and over. And I am deathly afraid of 'disappointing' MORE people that I consider friends. I worry constantly about that. To the point that I actually lose sleep over it. Even my therapist hasn't been able to convince me that my 'friend' was wrong.
So. To make an already long story just a wee bit shorter: I am currently a mass of insecurity. But I'm getting better. Slowly and with patience, perhaps I'll be my old fun-loving, confident self again. That would be real nice.
It amazes me on a daily basis that there ARE people who love me and care about me. I can't figure out why they do, though. My biggest supports have been ilysanth and luricanson. I don't know what I would have done without them. And I don't know what I did to deserve them. They've seen me at my worst and talked to me for HOURS on end about it all and still deem me worth knowing.
So, perhaps he was wrong. Perhaps I'm not really the hopeless case he said I was. Now, let's see if I can convince my brain of that.