Stay At Home [fic]

Dec 24, 2010 19:35


Title:Stay At Home
Pairing: Den/Nor


The following are accounts from various sources about  the series of events that transpired in one Scandinavian household in Month XX, Day XX, Year XXXX involving the care-taking of Sealand, Peter Kirkland, and Hanatamago, dog.

[=]

Iceland, younger brother of Norway

For the record, I knew the whole house-sitting thing was a bad idea.

Finland, guardian of Sealand and Hanatamago

First, I’d like to say that whatever Sweden says, I am not his wife. Wait, this isn’t about that. I’m supposed to say what happened to me that day, right? Moi. Actually, it started a couple days before, so I guess I’ll start then.

Things had been pretty hectic since the last World Conference. There was a lot of work to be done on a lot of different subjects and frankly, I hadn’t really gotten a good night’s sleep in a while. Su-san - oh, on the record, right…that’s what I call Sweden - had noticed this and suggested we take a little break to take a breath before going back to work. I thought this was a good idea, and it was really sweet of Su-san to have noticed; I mean, we have lived together for a long while so I guess it’s not surprising he knew I was a little tired.

Oh. Anyway, Su-san said that we shouldn’t bring Peter and Hanatamago along, since it wouldn’t really be a vacation if we were going to be taking care of them. I didn’t really know what to do with them, since I wasn’t going to send Peter back home and have England neglect him again. And I wasn’t too comfortable giving Hanatamago go so far to Japan’s house, but I didn’t really trust him to behave at any one else’s house. I was going to call the whole trip off but Su-san insisted we could get someone to house sit for us.

I didn’t really want to impose on anyone outside our immediate neighbors (and Russia was not an option, no matter what anyone said), but that limited things a bit. Iceland has enough to worry about so I didn’t ask him. I feel like Peter would just ignore him anyway. Sweden glowered when I suggested Denmark so I knew that wasn’t a choice. That only left Norway.

Norway, primary house-sitter and suspect of neglect

I don’t know what Finland told you, but I was never one to really get along with children. I really don’t like a lot of noise, and my experiences with Denmark, king of all man-children, has done enough to turn me off babysitting. Ice was a quiet child and anyway, he’s my brother. I’m not going to turn out my own flesh and blood.

When Finland called me to ask me to house sit for him, I really was about to say no. In dealing with things in my own house, I didn’t have the time to handle his house too. I think he knew I was going to refuse and he started going off about money and things like that. I didn’t want to hear any more talk that even indirectly relates to the economy so I quickly cut him off there.

He didn’t say any sort of convincing arguments, but I’m a nice guy at heart and Finland and I get along so I decided, what the hell, it would be a one time thing. It was only overnight and most of the time, Peter would probably be sleeping anyway. I figured I didn’t have anything to lose.

Denmark, secondary house-sitter and suspect of neglect

Hi! Is this being recorded? Really? Okay, if it’s being written down and stuff, I want to say that Norway and I are best friends and he’s my precious brother and we get along so well and we even take naps together and we stick up for each other and I really, really love Norway!

When I heard that he was going to be house-sitting for Finland and Sweden, I also volunteered my services! Everything is more fun if you do it with a friend! And anyway, Sweden is such a bastard he probably has ‘I-Hate-Denmark’ shrines and I really wanted to make sure they were destroyed, if they existed. So I told Finland I would help with Norway to make sure things were okay.

Well, what I mean by that is that when Norway went over to Finland’s house and they were driving away, I had run up and said, “Hey, Finland, I hope you don’t mind that I stay with Norway today too!” and Finland hadn’t turned the car around and said no, so I took that as an affirmative.

Sweden, guardian of Sealand and Hanatamago

I h’te D’nmark. B’t I d’n’t have a shr’ne f’r h’m.

Finland, guardian of Sealand and Hanatamago

I love the house and everything, but if I had to change something about it, it would be that bathroom on the second floor. The lock has been rusty for a while but we’ve never really gotten around to changing it. Basically, the rule of the house is that if it’s more than half-way closed, it’s occupied. Once, I locked myself in and it took a couple of hours of careful pushing to get the door open again. I’m not sure why we never got around to fixing it, though. It wouldn’t have taken long.

Also, the window is hard to open. It’s good during the winter because it doesn’t let in cold air, but it makes the bathroom a little sticky during the summer. Sometimes we can get it open to a crack, but in that case, we never completely close it again or else it’ll be stuck until the next time we manage to force it open again.

But otherwise, I really love it! The tiles are this pretty sea-green that reminds me of the waters outside the house during spring! I picked them out myself.

Sealand, victim of abuse

This is a pretty empty room! It’s so boring! I could draw some pictures and get it better. I mean, even stupid England’s house is more interesting than this! So what do I have to do? Giving a statement means I tell you what happened to me right?

Okay! I love talking about myself. You know, in a couple of years, I’ll be a real, respectable nation!

So anyway, Finland and Sweden were off to have a nice holiday without me. I mean, fine, maybe I am so awesome that they need to take breaks from me. But it wasn’t nice to not give me a vacation too. I mean, I totally wouldn’t have minded visiting America’s house. He’s really cool. Also England gets really upset when I say that, so that’s also why I wanted to go. Also for the video games and the really cool things he does.

When Finland said Norway was going to be taking care of me, boo! I don’t hate Norway or anything, but he’s so boring. He’s like England. He sometimes talks to himself and he likes to read books. Or look at nature. I don’t know. Old people stuff. I really hoped he would just let me watch television and eat junk food. I wasn’t going to go touch the stove or anything.

I didn’t know Denmark was allowed to come into the house, but I wasn’t going to say anything. Sweden’s hated Denmark for as long as I can remember! But Finland said we had to be nice, that we couldn’t just kick guests out if we didn’t like them. And Denmark was probably going to make things interesting. I mean, that one time they had the Nordic gathering and thought I hadn’t followed them, Denmark had gotten really drunk and started singing these really bad songs! Ha ha!

It was lunch time so I thought they were going to cook me and Hanatamago something but they spent the whole time arguing with each other in the living room. I was hungry, okay! So since they weren’t going to make us anything to eat, we were going to have to make it ourselves.

Norway, primary house-sitter and suspect of neglect

I hadn’t even let Peter ten seconds out of my sight when I heard practically Finland’s entire collection of pots and pans fall onto the kitchen floor. I blame Denmark. His stupidly big head distracted me. I was basically babysitting three people at once.

Apparently Peter had gotten it into his head that he was going to be making food for all of us, which I quickly put a stop to. I didn’t need Finland returning and seeing his house aflame. Denmark wanted to help but I made him make sure Peter didn’t get into more trouble, which was not the best job allocation, but I had to make do.

Hanatamago’s food was somewhere that I was unaware of, and I had no idea where to start looking. I didn’t want to call Finland and interrupt whatever honeymoon he and Sweden were in, so I tried to ask Peter. Of course the kid wouldn’t know, as Finland was the one who usually fed the dog. Hanatamago started whining, which was adding on more sound coming from Denmark and Peter, who were shouting about something.

I used Nisse to put them all outside the kitchen so I could hear myself think. I think that made Peter a little too freaked out to keep shouting so at least it was a little quieter.

I found Hanatamago’s food and preoccupied the dog first.

I whipped up whatever I could from Finland’s pantry and we managed to have a reasonably peaceful lunch. Afterwards, Peter wanted to rockclimb the wall of the house to the roof, because “Finland let him do it”. I’ve been told my share of lies, primarily from Denmark, and I knew this was a pretty badly constructed one.

Denmark, unsurprisingly, encouraged him and before I could have anything else to do with the matter, they had tied themselves to the roof. No, at least Peter was. Denmark had just patted him on the back and let him go at it. He just let Peter climb the house unsupervised with Hanatamago barking and came back into the house.

Then he tried to come on to me, but I quickly put a stop to that, at least.

Denmark, secondary house-sitter and suspect of neglect

What can I say? I’ve always wanted to spite Sweden by sleeping with Norway in his own house! Take that for stealing him away from me years ago!

And relax. I tied the knots in Peter’s harness really tight. I would know how to tie knots. I was a Viking, you know!

Norway, primary house-sitter and suspect of neglect

After I cleaned up Peter’s various cuts from falling from the second floor window, I made him stay inside with Hanatamago, who was starting to eat some of Finland’s flowers. I didn’t think that would make him very pleased.

I was trying to think of how to put the blame on Denmark without letting it show that I hadn’t done anything to stop Peter when Hanatamago started climbing the curtains. I thought Finland had adequately house-broken his dog! This, apparently, meant that Peter could climb the curtains too. Denmark did nothing but sat around laughing. I swear, he thinks this is how he can get back at Sweden. That’s the most immature thing I’ve heard of.

Hanatamago, dog

(translated) Curtains feel really good under my paws. Finland never lets me climb the curtains, but I thought it was pretty clear neither Norway or Denmark were interested in making us behave, so I thought I may as well seize the opportunity.

Norway, primary house-sitter and suspect of neglect

To make a long story short, Finland’s house was pretty close to demolition. There were more than a couple close calls, and Denmark was not helping.

Dinner was crazy, but I suppose it could have been worse than a couple of pea flicking. Denmark was really showing his maturity, really. Afterwards, they (the children and Hanatamago) watched television, shouted for a bit, and wasted time as I finished hiding the broken vase Peter had knocked off the table in the study.

Bedtime was the real warzone, though.

Sealand, victim of abuse

They wanted me in bed by nine! Not even Finland’s crazy enough to suggest that!

Denmark, secondary house-sitter and suspect of abuse

So the twerp said, “You’ve got to catch me before I go to bed at nine!” I didn’t think Norway was very happy with me the whole day, really. He was being really cold and he didn’t want to even cuddle with me! I think he was upset that Peter was getting in the way of our together time. So I decided I would make him go to bed and we could spend the rest of the night having some fun of our own.

The kid didn’t make it easy, that’s for sure. He was really fast and he knew the house better than I did. He was practically escaping from me like I was going to really kill him or something. The dog, Hanatamago, kept biting my heels. Norway didn’t make it too much easier by scolding us about running in the house.

Eventually, Peter locked himself in a bathroom and refused to come out. Norway told me it was my problem and left me to deal with the closed door and the stubborn kid. Hanatamago pawed at the door and glared at me like it was my fault his friend was being reclusive. I didn’t want Norway to be even madder at me so I said I would tell him what the toys he found on Finland’s top shelf in his closet were for if he got out. He must have really wanted to know because he said he’d come out right away if I told.

The lock jiggled and then he said, “Shit.”

Norway, primary house-sitter and suspect of abuse

Peter had locked himself in the bathroom. I had seen everything.

Hanatamago, dog

(translated) So when Peter locked himself in the bathroom, Denmark started pounding on the door and saying he was going to chop the handle off. Well, I knew that wasn’t going to work. Sweden had attacked it enough with a hammer that one time Finland got trapped inside. So I tried to tell him that there was a window we could get through but he didn’t seem to know what I was talking about.

I tried to get Norway to come with me, but he started shouting at Denmark so he wasn’t going to pay attention either.

So it was up to me, trusty pet, to save Peter! I ran outside and climbed the tree that was close to the window. I jumped and managed to stay on the windowsill. I barked and Peter opened the window to let me in. He told me I was a good dog, that he knew I was the best friend he had.

The bathroom’s window also slides. Finland has to use a wooden stop to make sure it doesn’t close upon itself. The window was starting to slide against me, so I hopped into the bathroom. Unfortunately, as fate would have it, the window slammed shut and as much as Peter tried to claw it back open, it was shut for good.

Norway, primary house-sitter and suspect of abuse

Well, Denmark was all for destroying the door and knocking the wall down. I told him to calm down, because he was being irrational (and had thankfully forgotten his axe at home). I told him I would call Finland and have him come back. I also added I would be blaming all this on Denmark.

He wasn’t pleased with that at all. “If you hadn’t said bedtime was at nine, this wouldn’t have happened!” he shouted. “No one would go to bed at nine!”

I was sure we were going to have a long argument about that, so I decided to cut it short and lunged for the phone. Denmark saw this coming and we fought for a while for the hapless cordless phone.

“I’m gonna tell Finland it was your fault,” Denmark mumbled, in between pushing me out of the way. “And he’s never going to let you come back and that’s good because it was probably all Sweden’s plan to make us not friends anymore.”

“We were never friends,” I said, shoving my hand in his fat face. “And it was all your fault.”

He wasn’t relenting and we had stumbled into the living room and I was thinking I could smother him with the couch pillows and wrestle the phone from his lifeless hands. This was proving to be rather difficult. I had managed to get a firm grip on the phone when the front door opened.

Finland, guardian of Sealand and Hanatamago

I admit it; I’m a parent. I was worried for Peter and Hanatamago. Even though I trusted Norway as a responsible nation, I was still wondering if everything was okay. We hadn’t made it to the city before I told Su-san we should turn around; we could take a vacation later. He convinced me to take dinner first but I was too concerned to stay the night. Su-san understood. We drove back.

I was relieved that the house was still standing, but when I opened the door and found Denmark and Norway making out with Peter and Hanatamago locked in the bathroom, what else could I think?

Denmark, secondary house-sitter and suspect of abuse

I don’t mind them calling me an awful house-sitter and having Sweden forbid me from coming into his house! So what! It was boring and he didn’t even have a picture of me anywhere! But seriously! Accusing me of making out with Norway! That would be fine if I actually did!

Norway was really mad at me afterwards. He told me not to come over. Hmm, so mean~! I was doing my best!

Iceland, younger brother of Norway

I knew this would happen. I knew it all along.

It was just more interesting to watch it actually play out.

hetalia, fanfic

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