(no subject)
these were what happened last night when i was without internet.
it wasn't me.
i didn't blow it out out of proportion.
he did.
i simply asked, asked nicely. respectfully. and what do i get. rude remarks, attitude, condescending tones.
and that's where it happens.
i snap. i argue. i protest. i persist. i can't stop. it's him that does it. it brings out the ugly in me. it results in hurt and anger. frustration.
ration? pft.
i don't care if i don't have a good reason. i don't care what he thinks. i don't care about what he has to say.
i don't care about him.
i look straight into his face and i burn two holes into his eyes. i want him him to feel pain and shut up. just shut up.
i don't care what he has provided for me.
i really don't.
i don't care if you think there's a problem with that.
i don't care right now.
all i know is that i'm right. he's wrong. and i burn holes into his head.
end.
it's late.
three in the morning to be exact.
i stayed on the computer for quite some time until i needed to pee.
and when i opened my door..
when i opened my door.
it was dark, and i couldn't see.
at first, i thought it was because it was incredibly dark outside.
but my eyes needed adjusting.
and from the moment where i opened my door to the moment i peed and turned off the light and walked back to my room.
i felt alone.
not alone in an eerie or unsure way.
but alone in a very secure way.
the world was sleeping, and i had the night all to myself. no one to tell me what to do. for five or six hours i could do whatever the fuck i wanted.
that was one of the most beautiful things i've ever felt.
..
i feel guilt.
i feel guilt because i have failed my standards.
i won't express exactly, how i've done so.
maybe they're not mine.
maybe they have once belonged completely to my father and mother. and their desire for achievement of this goal has been so concrete, that maybe i sort of wanted it too.
i don't think i'd care if it weren't for them.
and i'm sorry that i bitch about them all the time.
i'm thirteen, what do you want me to do?
oh shit.
in two months, i'm fourteen.
hm.
fourteen.
dinah.
fourteen.
connection.
relation.
well.
ain't that something.
in the way that i type, i want you to hear my voice. my expressions.
and maybe if you don't know what my voice sounds like or you'd forgotten then.. i hope you make something of what you're reading. my words.
god, i'm so tired.
i think that if i were with someone..
then.
that would be really.
really.
reallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreally.
nice.
really nice.
you know what i want to do right now?
i want to fucking..
hug someone.
i want to hug someone with a really warm sweater and big fucking arms and nice smells and soft hair.
all that jazz, man.
i get really weird at night, huh.
yeah, i know all you hoes get all demented at night.
so it's okay.
we all relate.
..right.
it wasn't me.
i didn't blow it out out of proportion.
he did.
i simply asked, asked nicely. respectfully. and what do i get. rude remarks, attitude, condescending tones.
and that's where it happens.
i snap. i argue. i protest. i persist. i can't stop. it's him that does it. it brings out the ugly in me. it results in hurt and anger. frustration.
ration? pft.
i don't care if i don't have a good reason. i don't care what he thinks. i don't care about what he has to say.
i don't care about him.
i look straight into his face and i burn two holes into his eyes. i want him him to feel pain and shut up. just shut up.
i don't care what he has provided for me.
i really don't.
i don't care if you think there's a problem with that.
i don't care right now.
all i know is that i'm right. he's wrong. and i burn holes into his head.
end.
it's late.
three in the morning to be exact.
i stayed on the computer for quite some time until i needed to pee.
and when i opened my door..
when i opened my door.
it was dark, and i couldn't see.
at first, i thought it was because it was incredibly dark outside.
but my eyes needed adjusting.
and from the moment where i opened my door to the moment i peed and turned off the light and walked back to my room.
i felt alone.
not alone in an eerie or unsure way.
but alone in a very secure way.
the world was sleeping, and i had the night all to myself. no one to tell me what to do. for five or six hours i could do whatever the fuck i wanted.
that was one of the most beautiful things i've ever felt.
..
i feel guilt.
i feel guilt because i have failed my standards.
i won't express exactly, how i've done so.
maybe they're not mine.
maybe they have once belonged completely to my father and mother. and their desire for achievement of this goal has been so concrete, that maybe i sort of wanted it too.
i don't think i'd care if it weren't for them.
and i'm sorry that i bitch about them all the time.
i'm thirteen, what do you want me to do?
oh shit.
in two months, i'm fourteen.
hm.
fourteen.
dinah.
fourteen.
connection.
relation.
well.
ain't that something.
in the way that i type, i want you to hear my voice. my expressions.
and maybe if you don't know what my voice sounds like or you'd forgotten then.. i hope you make something of what you're reading. my words.
god, i'm so tired.
i think that if i were with someone..
then.
that would be really.
really.
reallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreally.
nice.
really nice.
you know what i want to do right now?
i want to fucking..
hug someone.
i want to hug someone with a really warm sweater and big fucking arms and nice smells and soft hair.
all that jazz, man.
i get really weird at night, huh.
yeah, i know all you hoes get all demented at night.
so it's okay.
we all relate.
..right.