Fic: Broken Road (1/2) (Mentalist Big Bang fic, Cho/Van Pelt)

Jan 12, 2012 20:40

Title: Broken Road
Author: helsinkibaby
Fandom: The Mentalist
Pairing: Cho/Van Pelt
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Spoilers: AU after the end of season three.
Word Count: 10,243
Summary: The last two members of Lisbon's CBI team learn how to go on after losing everything.
Notes: For the Mentalist Big Bang. Art done by watchyouwalk; I'll edit to include a link when she posts. Section titles are taken from the song "Healing" by Wynonna featuring Michael English.

watchyouwalk's art post is HERE. The second banner she made for me is under a cut at the end of part two of the fic because it's spoilery!





>*<*>*<

I - Starting Over At the End

As he drove down the main street of the tiny Iowa town, Cho was well aware that every eye was on him; well, him and his shiny new rental car at any rate. He'd been expecting it, was used to it after years of working with the CBI, but this was different. This was personal. He did his best to ignore it as he drove but there was an uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach that, while it had been there all day, all week come to that, slowly began to increase.

When he finally came to the house he was looking for, that feeling intensified tenfold. Standing in front of the bolted gate were two burly men, arms crossed over their chests, shotguns prominently in view resting against their legs. Cho pulled to a stop before he reached them and one of the men stepped towards the car, thankfully leaving his shotgun with the other man. Rolling down the window, Cho put on his best no nonsense CBI voice, the one that said loud and clear that he expected to be obeyed. "My name is Kimball Cho," he said, considering flashing his badge, deciding against it. "I'm here..."

"I know who you are, son," the man said, and while the use of son would usually rankle, there was a kindness to the man's tone that made Cho hardly notice it. "And I know why you're here. Go on up."

The other man was already unbolting the gate, holding it open and saluting Cho as he drove through. In the rear view mirror, Cho could see the first man, the one who had talked to him, talking on a cell phone. That sight meant he wasn't surprised when he drove up to the house and the front door was already open, a man and woman standing on the front porch waiting for him.

The woman was the first to step towards him, and much to his surprise she stepped towards him and enveloped him in a hug. "We were hoping you'd come," she whispered to him. When she pulled back, there were tears in her green eyes and she ducked her head, tucking strands of red hair behind her ears.

"Now, Violet, don't be embarrassing the man." Amos Van Pelt's voice was gruff but his eyes were kind, his grip firm as he shook Cho's hand. "Good to see you again. Well, as good as it can be."

"You too, sir, ma'am." He looked over their shoulders towards the house, as if expecting her to be standing on the porch, smiling down at him. If she still smiled that was; the last time they'd seen one another, almost a year ago now, smiles had been hard to come by. "How is..."

"Quiet."Her mother jumped in before he could finish the sentence, and when her husband gave her a look, she shook her head. "More so than usual."

Cho nodded, indicated the house. "May I?"

Amos nodded. "She's on the back porch," he told Cho. "I'll show you." He led Cho up the front steps and through the house, stopping when he got close to the back door. A wave of his hand and he was gone, back to his wife, leaving Cho to marshal his courage and step outside.

Sure enough, Grace was sitting on a porch swing, staring out at what was supposed to be a lawn but looked to Cho more like a football field. Her back was ramrod straight, her posture perfect as always, and when he stepped up near her, there was the faintest of faint smiles hovering around her lips. "Somehow," she said before he could speak, "I knew you'd come."

She didn't look around, just kept staring straight ahead and while Cho prided himself on his unflappability, he found the situation just a touch bizarre. "How did you know it was me?"

"Your footsteps." She still didn't turn to look at him. "I learned to recognise them all at the CBI. Some things you never forget."

Cho didn't know if there was a double meaning in the words for her or not, but for him there was, and a shiver ran down his spine. Shaking it off, he took a step towards her, shrugged his shoulders. "Yeah, well, I was in the neighbourhood. Thought I should drop in and say hi."

At that, she did turn to him, eyebrow raised and a grin on her face. Cho knew that look well; it was her "are you kidding me?" look. Back in the day, he'd seen it directed at Rigsby more than once. "Sacramento to here is like, fifteen hundred miles," she pointed out. "And you were just in the neighbourhood?"

He nodded, fortified by this glimpse of the Van Pelt he'd know. "Yes." His nod was definite, his voice sure, CBI agent at his best. "So, I come all this way and you're not even going to offer me a seat?"

Grace shook her head, pursing her lips in obvious amusement. "Sit down, Cho."

Doing as he was told, Cho took the opportunity to study her, his years of CBI experience meaning that sizing her up didn't take long. She was thinner than he remembered, weight she couldn't really afford to lose; paler too, freckles standing out in clear relief against her skin. Her eyes were red-rimmed but clear and when she turned her head to look at him, he could almost pretend that the last year hadn't happened.

Almost.

"You're worried I'm going to freak out on you?"

There was a hint of amusement in the question, but Cho treated it seriously. "Should I be?"

Grace shook her head slowly. "I've done all that," she told him and if that was supposed to make him feel better, it failed spectacularly. "I'm ok."

Lifting an eyebrow, Cho looked her dead in the eyes. "Yeah?" He didn't believe it for an instant, and she looked down at her lap, shoulders rising and falling in a shrug.

"No," she admitted. "But I will be."

Cho was ready to say something but the bundle that had been resting in her lap chose that moment to wake up with a squawk. The smile that lit up Grace's face was something to behold as she raised the baby up, shushing her and patting her back. In no time at all, the child was quiet, staring up at her mother with large eyes. "Here," Grace said, standing up and handing the child to Cho, who opened his mouth in protest. Perhaps realising what he was going to say, Grace headed him off at the pass. "She wants her bottle," she said firmly. "And you'll be fine."

She wasn't going to take no for an answer, barely broke stride as she headed to the door and in that instant she truly was the Grace Van Pelt of old. Shaking his head, Cho watched her walk away, through the door, then down at the child who was now staring at him with unblinking eyes. He'd never laid eyes on this child before, but he knew those eyes.

Rigsby's eyes.

>*<*>*<

II - Say Goodbye to Yesterday

“Over there.”

Those are the first words that either of them has spoken since Cho picked Grace up at her hotel an hour ago. Even then, the most she could manage was a stiff hello, and then she’d lapsed into silence, staring out the window and chewing her lip. As they had walked down the path, Cho had noticed her beginning to tremble, something that had only intensified as they reached their destination.

When she heard Cho’s words, she stopped and looked up at him, biting her lip then looking over her shoulder. For a second he thought she was either going to ask him to go with her or if they could go home, but then she visibly shook herself, squared her shoulders and gave him a nod. Turning, she made her way along the neatly manicured gravestones, stopping when she came to the one she was looking for; the one Cho came here to see every week.

Cho never took his eyes off her, moving carefully so that he could see her profile, staying far away enough to allow her some privacy. He looked down, fully intending not to look, but he couldn’t help it. She stood stock still for a long, long moment, then her hand rose to cover her lips, her entire body shaking with sobs. Dropping to her knees, she covered her face with her hands for a moment, but only a moment before she wiped her eyes almost impatiently with one hand, reaching out with the other to touch the dark marble.

When she looked around at Cho - it could have minutes or hours later, he didn’t keep track - he took it as a hint, walking up to her and laying a hand on her shoulder. Eyes red but dry, she even managed to give him a slight smile as she looked up at him, using his hand on her shoulder as leverage to rise. She didn’t seem inclined to move so Cho didn’t either, and the two of them just stood there, looking down at Rigsby’s name in shiny gold engraving.

“I should have come sooner,” Grace said quietly.

Cho shook his head. “You came when you were ready,” he said simply. “Wayne would understand that.”

Grace’s laugh, when it came, was bitter, nothing like the Van Pelt he remembered. “I wish I could believe that.”

“Oh please.” Cho shook his head. “You could have told Rigsby you sacrificed puppies to the devil and he wouldn’t have batted an eyelid. He’d’ve forgiven you anything.”

“And he did.” Grace’s smile was sad, her words tinged with just the slightest hint of bitterness. “Dumping him for the good of our careers... falling in love with another man...running back to him when things got tough...”

“It wasn’t like that.” Cho didn’t even think about his reply. He may only have been a spectator to the relationship, but thanks to his partnership with Rigsby, he’d heard more details than he’d been comfortable with at the time. “You and Rigsby... you were it. You were it for each other... what we all look for.” He looked over at Grace then, saw her wide eyes, amazement stamped all over her features at this most un-Cho-like declaration. Shrugging, he gave her a small smile of his own, almost an apology for shocking her. “You were meant to be.”

Grace continued to stare at him for a full sixty seconds - he counted - before she laughed. An actual, full-bodied laugh, the like of which he’d rarely heard from Grace Van Pelt. Maybe his surprise showed on his face because her laughter increased before she clapped her hand over her mouth to stifle the noise. “I’m sorry,” she said, waving her hand, still giggling. “I’ve just never heard you...” Shaking her head, she was helpless against another peal of giggles and Cho couldn’t help himself, he was chuckling too. “Oh God,” Grace finally wheezed. “This is so inappropriate for a graveyard...”

Privately, Cho thought that it was good to see a spark of life in Grace again, and not only that but that Rigsby would approve wholeheartedly. “C’mon,” he said, slinging an arm around her shoulders and walking her over to a bench nearby. When they were seated, he looked at her and sighed. “It’s good to see you smile. Wayne would approve.”

Grace looked down at her hands, pressed them together tightly. “I know,” she said quietly. “I’ve thought about coming here so many times, but I never could. Thank you.”

Cho shrugged. “Yeah, well, Wayne would have approved of that too.”
Grace looked off into the distance, gaze studiously avoiding Rigsby’s grave. “Do you know why I called Alison that?” she asked. Cho knew she knew he didn’t know the answer so he just sat, waiting for her to continue. “We were in the office one night... it was late, everyone else was gone. It was when we were just starting things again... and Wayne asked me did I want some coffee because he was going to make some. I said no, but when he’d gone, I changed my mind so I went into the kitchen...” A smile, faraway and sad, ghosted along her lips. “He’d turned on the radio in there, and he was singing along... to Alison by Elvis Costello. And that’s when I knew. That I still loved him. That I’d never stopped loving him.” Her cheeks flushed and she shook her head, staring up at the sky. “Is that the lamest reason ever for choosing a baby’s name?”

“No.” Cho kept his face perfectly straight. “I’m just thankful they weren’t playing Lola. It really wouldn’t sound right with Van Pelt.”

That was all Grace needed to burst into more laughter. “Stop it,” she laughed, batting at his arm. Taking a deep breath, all humour fled from her face. “So, I have something to tell you.” Cho tilted his head, waiting as she took another deep breath and the words rushed out, as if she wanted to say them before she changed her mind. “I’m going back to work.”

Cho blinked, genuinely taken off guard. “Are you sure?” he asked, and this time when Grace laughed, there was no real humour in it.

“Kimball, they signed me off on sick leave after everything... then maternity leave... then extended parental leave, which I don’t think even officially exists...” Cho didn’t think it did either, but he also knew that the brass hadn’t wanted to make a big deal about forcing Grace to go back to work, or to do anything that might make her life more difficult. After everything, the American public, in large part due to the American media, had adopted Grace as somewhat of a media darling, a role she had no interest in playing which only seemed to increase interest in her. “I think the CBI has been more than patient.”

“So they’re not putting you under pressure?”

Grace shook her head. “This is all me. I need to get back to work... and Allie needs to see she has a mom who’s not broken.”

“You’re not broken.” The denial was instant and when Grace looked at him with a tilt of the head and a quirk of an eyebrow, he knew she wasn’t buying it.

“Not anymore,” she corrected. “And I need to prove that to everyone... to myself.”

“OK.” Cho nodded, already mentally rearranging teams and desks and furniture. “Well, there have been a lot of changes, but I think you’ll fit in well...”

“No.” The word was quick, too quick, almost panicked. “No,” she said again, quieter this time. “I mean... I’m going back to the CBI, but not to Sacramento. Not to Headquarters anyway. They're making a new position... FBI liaison." Cho blinked in surprise and she must have known why because her lips twisted in something that was halfway between a smile and a grimace. "Yeah, I know. Maybe Craig's why they created the position; I don't know. But they offered me the post, and I'm taking it." Cho nodded, understanding her reasons but at the same time feeling as if he’d lost something. “I can’t go back to Headquarters, Kimball,” she finished. “I just can’t.”

Cho nodded, reaching out and taking her hand, squeezing it tightly. “They’ll be lucky to have you,” he told her, meaning every word. “And it'll be nice to have you back in this time zone... it'll make catching up with you and Allie easier.” Because she’d been in Iowa since she’d taken leave and this was the first time she’d been back in California since then. They emailed back and forth, Skyped every now and then, but it wasn't the same.

Grace bit her lip, uncertainty in her eyes. “You don’t have to,” she told him. “Keep looking out for me, I mean. I’ll be fine...”

“It’s not like that.” Her doubt showed on her face and Cho nodded, backtracking. “OK, it started like that. But it’s not like that anymore. You, me... we’re the only ones left. The only ones who know what it was like. No-one else understands.” She was nodding slowly. “When I’m talking to you... when I see Allie... it’s one of the only times I don’t feel that people are thinking about that.” He shrugged. “OK, it might not be the best foundation for a friendship...”

Grace squeezed his hand, which was still holding hers. “But it’s not bad.”

He smiled, squeezed back. “No, it’s not.”

>*<*>*<

III - Stronger than I've Ever Been

“OK, I think she’s down.”

Cho looked up from his position kneeling on the floor, putting blocks back into a plastic tub to see Grace grinning down at him. As she crossed her arms, lifting an eyebrow, her grin grew wider and wider and Cho shook his head, sitting up a little. “You’re enjoying this.”

Grace actually laughed. “Oh, I’m just wishing I had a camera.”

Dropping to her knees, she began to pick up the toys with him and he went back down on his hands and knees and continued. “The room looked like an explosion in a toy store,” he pointed out.

“Welcome to my world,” Grace countered dryly and her tone brought a smile to Cho’s face. “You get used to it.” Which was something that Cho was finding - since Grace had moved back to California and gone back to work, he’d been coming over to see her and Allie if not every week, then certainly every other week. Allie was getting used to seeing him; today she’d done a little dance of joy when Grace had opened the door to him before promptly grabbing him by the hand and dragging him into the living room to build a castle with her. Luckily, Wednesday was mac and cheese night in the Van Pelt household so he hadn’t worried about helping Grace with dinner, and besides, Grace had made it quite clear when he’d apologised over dinner for not being able to help her that keeping Allie occupied was, in fact, a help in and of itself.

They fell into a comfortable silence, the only noise in the room being the sound of toys being moved around and when they were nearly finished, Grace was the first one to speak. “So, are you going to tell me what’s bothering you?”

Cho dropped the stuffed dog he was holding. It was true, something was on his mind, but he was surprised that Grace had noticed. “What do you mean?” he parried, or attempted to, because Grace just gave him a look that was eerily reminiscent of Teresa Lisbon.

“C’mon, Kimball, gimme a break. You’ve been even quieter than you usually are.” She tilted her head as if something had occurred to her, cast her eyes to the ceiling. “OK, I get that with Allie you can hardly get a word in, but still. You’re quiet. What’s up?”

Sighing, Cho sat down on the couch and Grace joined him, her at one end and him at the other. He sat leaning forward, elbows on his knees, hands joined in front of him while Grace made herself comfortable, curling her legs up underneath her, resting one arm on the back of the couch. “The Director came to see me today,” he finally told her, a sentence that made her blink, then made her eyes grow wary. “The new extension is being opened in three weeks...they’re having a ceremony...and there’s going to be a plaque.” He could see from the way she shifted awkwardly, looked over to the picture of her and Wayne on the mantel that he didn’t have to divulge any more information about the plaque, or the inscription on it. “They want me to make a speech.”

Grace chewed her lip nervously. “Is that such a bad thing?”

“Yes.” His reply was instant, a touch sharper than he would have liked, and he regretted it instantly when he saw her flinch back. “It is when they don’t want me to mention Jane.”

“Oh.”

The name hung heavy in the air between them. “And they want you to be there.”

At that, Grace visibly blanched. “Kimball, I can’t...”

“I told the Director I wouldn’t ask you. I refused. This is just so you know... just in case they say it to you. You don’t have to come...”

“You’re going to do it though.” Her arms were crossed protectively over her chest and she wasn’t looking at him. By this stage, Cho was familiar enough with Grace on the verge of shutting down to recognise the signs and he shrugged his shoulders, trying to come up with the right thing to say to diffuse the situation.

“I told the Director I’d make the speech... that I’d leave out the things he wanted me to leave out. And that there was no way I would ask you to be there. Not knowing how things were... after. I don’t think he liked it... but he said ok.”

Grace sighed. “Thank you. For doing that for me.”

Cho shrugged. “No problem.”

>*<*>*<

The day of the dedication was bright and sunny, not a cloud in the sky. The media were out in force, it being almost two years to the day since Hell had descended upon this very site, and every reporter, every news camera was trained on him, on the plaque, waiting to see his reaction, see what he said. He was standing off to the side of the podium, trying not to appear anxious when he felt a light touch to his elbow.

“Room for an uninvited guest?”

For a moment, he thought his mind was playing tricks on him but when he turned, sure enough, Grace Van Pelt was standing there. From the little he knew of women’s fashions and habits, he could tell that she’d made a special effort to look her best; the turquoise suit setting off her hair and eyes perfectly, her make-up hiding the dark shadows that he could just about make out under her eyes. “What are you doing here?” He was surprised into honesty and when she smiled, it didn’t quite meet her eyes.

“I know what you said, Kimball,” she told him after a long pause where her eyes travelled all around the site, from the brass to the media, to the invited guests who had just begun to notice her, notice them. “But you’ve always been there for me... I think it’s time that I was there for you.”

She was so obviously sincere that Cho was literally speechless. Maybe she saw that, because she just gave him a small smile, squeezing his elbow before she moved to find a seat.

She sat in the front row, right where Cho couldn’t help but see her, and when he gave his speech, when he got to a certain point he went off script, paying tribute not only to the CBI agents who gave their lives, but to “my friend, Patrick Jane... who instead of paying with his life, paid with his sanity.”

A hush fell over the crowd, half stunned, half appalled, and Cho could feel the eyes of the Director and every other member of the brass on him, staring daggers at him. But the only face he looked at was Grace’s, and her smile made it all worthwhile.

>*<*>*<

IV - Moving On and Letting Go

When his cell phone rang in the middle of the afternoon, Cho checked it automatically, blinking in surprise when he saw Grace’s name in the caller display. Pressing the answer button, he was surprised when Grace barely waited for him to say hello before launching into a panicked speech.

“Kimball, it’s me,” she said, as if he didn’t already know that. “Listen, I just got a call from Allie’s minder... her mom is sick and she needs to go to her so she needs me to pick up Allie, but I’m in San Francisco and I can’t get back there and she needs me to collect Allie right now...”

Cho could see where this was going and cut her off before she could get there. “Grace, it’s fine,” he told her. “I’ll collect Allie, just give me the address.”

“Are you sure? I don’t want to put you out...”

Shaking his head, Cho reached for a pen to take down the address. “Take your time,” he said. “You can pick her up when you’re ready. We’ll be fine.”

Scribbling down the address, he hung up the phone, grabbing his jacket with his free hand and calling out to the rest of his team that he’d be gone for a little while. He was aware of the strange looks that he got - he couldn’t remember the last time that he’d taken off in the middle of the day - but he didn’t pause, just headed straight for his car and drove to the address that Grace had given him.

When he got there, he’d barely put the car in park when the front door opened and a harried looking woman emerged. “You must be Kimball,” she began, and if there was any doubt it was removed when a tiny not-quite-three year old ball of energy flew out the door and wrapped herself around Cho’s legs.

“’Im-bil! ‘Im-bil!” For such a tiny little thing, her voice and her grip were enough to make him wince, but he covered the impulse with a laugh, hoisting Allie up in his arms.

“What gave it away?” he asked, and harried as she was, the minder managed a laugh.

“Grace told me you were coming,” she said. “Will you be ok with her?”

Cho looked down at Allie, who at that precise moment was playing with his tie. “I think we’ll be fine,” he said to the minder. Then, to Allie, “How about some ice cream?”

The little girl’s face lit up and she laughed in delight. “Yay!” she cried, raising both arms in the air and Cho felt a genuine grin cross his face.

He didn’t take many afternoons off but if they were all like this, he’d do it more often.

>*<*>*<

If Cho had gotten second and third looks when he walked out of the office in the middle of the afternoon, it was nothing compared to the looks that he got when he walked back into the office a couple of hours later with a three-year old perched on his shoulders, ice cream smeared all over her cheeks and chin, singing “Old MacDonald Had A Farm,” at the top of her considerable lungs. Well, he supposed, the fact that he was doing some of the animal sounds might also have attracted some strange looks - the ever so serious Kimball Cho doing pig sounds was not something that most of the CBI agents would ever have seen, nor ever have thought of seeing.

Ignoring all the looks, he made his way into his office, setting Allie up in a corner with her bag of colouring books and pencils. He had untold amounts of paperwork to do, so it suited him to be tied to his office all afternoon, and when he had to leave for brief moments, he took Allie with him and enjoyed her reaction as she walked around the office, eyes wide as she looked up at all the new people who were smiling at her.

He didn’t realise how late it was until Grace arrived into the office, face red, hair mussed, looking as panicked as she had sounded on the phone. Allie’s face broke out into a huge smile when she saw her mom, and most of Grace’s anxieties seemed to disappear when she saw her daughter. Allie ran into Grace’s arms and Grace scooped her up, hugging her tightly, and she visibly relaxed. Meeting Cho’s eyes over Allie’s shoulder, her voice was breathless when she said, “Thank you so much,” she said and he waved his hand as if to say no problem. Allie wriggled out of her arms in record time, eager to show her mom the colouring that she’d done in “’Im-bil’s” office, and as she watched Allie scamper over to her bag, the colour slowly faded from Grace’s cheeks. Her eyes left Allie for the first time, travelling around the room and for the first time, Cho saw it through her eyes.

The paint was different. The desk had moved, was now facing the door rather than perpendicular to it. There were no pictures on the desk, and there were more shelves for files and storage than there had been four years ago. But the last time that Grace had been in that office, Teresa Lisbon had been in the one in charge, the one who sat in the chair.

And Wayne had still been alive.

“Grace-” He started to apologise, to say something, anything, that would take that look out of her eyes, but she stopped him by holding up her hand.

“It’s ok, Kimball,” she said, even if her voice, her face, said that it was anything but. The smile that she gave him looked forced, horrible. “I mean, it had to happen sometime, right?”

“Mama, Mama!” Allie pulled at the hem of Grace’s jacket, making her look down at the picture that she had in her hand, one that Allie had told him earlier was herself and Cho eating ice cream. Cho gulped internally, because he was fairly sure that Grace wouldn’t let Allie eat ice cream in the middle of the afternoon and if Grace recognised what was in the picture, he was in a world of trouble.

Sure enough, Grace looked at him and raised an eyebrow. “Ice cream? Seriously?”

Cho shrugged. “What can I say? I couldn’t help myself.”

“You spoil her.” But there was no recrimination in Grace’s tone; if anything it was fond.

“She’s easy to spoil.”

He smiled at her, and she smiled back at him and it was a moment that lasted longer than maybe it should have, but neither of them was willing to look away and break the spell.

That only happened when Allie launched herself in between the two of them, one arm around Cho’s legs, the other around Grace’s.

Just like that, Grace took a step back, scooping Allie up into her arms in one smooth motion. “We should go,” she said, casting a look over her shoulder towards the door. “Allie must be getting hungry for her dinner...”

“’Inner! ‘Im-bil come for ‘inner, Mama!” Allie made it quite clear what she wanted, and Grace looked down at her, then up at Cho.

“Would you like to come over for dinner?” she asked. “It’s Wednesday... mac and cheese night...”

Cho nodded, still a little taken aback by that strange moment. “I’d love to.”

>*<*>*<

That night, when Allie was tucked up in bed asleep and the sea of toys left in Allie’s wake was cleared up, Cho and Grace found themselves sitting on the couch together. Grace was quiet, quieter than Cho had seen her in a long time, but he didn’t think that she would bring up what was bothering her. “Are you ok?” he asked, taking the bull by the horns. “After today.”

“Sure.” But he couldn’t think of a time when he’d heard her sound less ok - well, not one that didn’t involve death and funerals.

“You sure?” He wasn’t going to let it go; this was too important. “I mean, it’s the first time you’ve been there since...”

“I know, ok? I know.” Impatience in every syllable, Grace looked away from him, covering her mouth with her hands momentarily. Taking a long, slow, deep breath, her shoulders rose and fell and when she spoke, it was carefully, as if every word was an effort. “It was harder than I thought it would be. And I knew it would be hard... that’s why I haven’t done it before. I wouldn’t have done it today except...”

“You had to.”

“Yeah.” She shook her head. “I don’t know how you do it... how you go there every day. I mean... do you still think of it as her office? As his couch?”

She didn’t mention names, she didn’t need to. “Yeah,” he said honestly. Because no-one ever used that couch any more, yet when the brass had tried to get rid of it, citing the need for more desk space, Cho had fought tooth and nail to keep it and he’d succeeded. Neither were a coat of paint and a change of furniture going to make Cho believe that it was really his office. Not when he kept remembering being in there once before, telling the woman sitting at the desk that he didn’t want that office, that he didn’t want any walls between him and his team. Things had changed since then, and he’d come to realise that walls weren’t so bad. Walls kept you from getting hurt, and he’d had enough of that for a lifetime. “Every day.”

“How do you do it?” she asked seriously. “How do you walk in there every day, doing what you do, knowing what happened there?”

“Because if I don’t... it’s not going to change anything. It’s like he won.”

Again, there was no need for a name; even the pronoun had Grace’s eyes darkening and Cho remembered once again that she’d suffered more than most at the hands of Red John. “You’re stronger than I am,” she murmured, and at that he stood, going to the armchair that his jacket was thrown over. Taking his wallet from his pocket, he walked back to the couch, sat beside her, closer this time.

“You want to know how I do it?” he asked. Opening his wallet, he reached inside, behind his driver’s licence, pulling out a picture and handed it to her. Grace’s eyes widened with surprise, because the picture was one of Allie from the previous Christmas. She was in her pyjamas, a Christmas tree behind her, hugging a teddy bear in the shape of Sesame Street's Bert that was almost as big as she was, a smile of pure delight on her face. The damn thing had been a bitch to wrap but when Cho had seen it in the store, he'd had to get it. With a smile on his face, he'd even signed the card, "From the cool, handsome one," just in case Grace didn't get the joke, but the text message she'd sent him on Christmas morning to say thank you had ended with a smiley face, and when Cho had opened his email a few days later and seen that picture, it had all been worth it. He'd printed out the picture that day, had carried it around in his wallet ever since. “This is how. When I have a bad day, when it gets too much, I think of Allie. Of you. And I remember that he didn’t take everything. No matter how hard he tried... he didn’t take that.”

When he looked at her, her eyes were brimming with tears. “I never knew,” she whispered.

He shrugged. “You weren’t supposed to.” Carefully he put the picture back into his wallet, ready for the next bad day, and when he closed his wallet again, she surprised him by taking his hand in hers.

And just like that, it was like it had been back in the office, right before Allie brought them back to reality.

A moment, and they were right there in the middle of it.

“You’ve been so strong for us,” she said. “I never would have made it this far without you.”

Cho shook his head. “You’re stronger than you know, Grace. You always have been. Hell, you put up with Wayne, right?”

A small smile lit across Grace’s lips. “Maybe you’re right,” she said. “But still... you’ve been wonderful.”

There were a dozen replies that crossed Cho’s mind, but none of them were spoken because just as he opened his mouth to speak, Grace leaned in and pressed her lips to his. In some ways, it was a complete surprise, in others it was the most natural thing in the world and Cho found himself kissing her back.

Dimly, he wondered was this the smartest thing he’d ever done.

Then he decided he didn’t care, and kissed her some more.

>*<*>*<

Part Two

big bang, fic: the mentalist, cho/van pelt

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