Yeah.
All I'm gonna do is just go on and do what I feel. - Jimi Hendrix
[Of the three times I've done this, this time is probably the most altering. I keep trying to hold it all together, pin the broken pieces of material down until I can make this character whole again. Lately - and excuse this terminology, I've been watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy for the first time in ten years - logging into this journal has been a burden. A heavy, heavy burden. I've felt it before, and in old forms, I've let the feeling stew on so long out of pig-headedness. But this is a game, and it's not like it's Jumanji, you don't have to wait for a definitive end for it to come to one. The thing that's kept me around here has been the love of Christina's friends and the people she's close to. That's also been my main worry in doing this. I don't want to let anyone down. As much as this is just a game, real friendships can form through it and for me, they really really have. I've tried doing so many things to prevent this: I've talked myself out of it, I've been looking ahead to March for the new season to hopefully inspire me, I've tried to avoid it until it goes away, but I just don't feel it anymore. Who knows, I'll probably regret this in a week or two. With the way it feels, though, that's doubtful. I should really have known better than to play with the age old horror movie "I'll be right back", because, well, I'm stringing like Tatum in the garage door. It's been a long time coming.
I'm sorry, I really really am sorry, and I hope people understand.
Now to the part that's going to make me cry, and the only reason I can't just delete everything.
January. I couldn't have asked for a more amazing friendship than these two. You're one of the only few people who know that this forray into the world of a 30-something who enjoys make up and girly drinks and boys was a brand new experience for me. She was so much fun to play. What better to RP than your complete opposite? I'm a little tomboy in real life, so I couldn't have done that or many things without you. I wouldn't have reconnected with you bracketly, purely and magically by accident; I wouldn't have had so many late (and drunken, sometimes!) nights and hilarious conversations that only January and Christina could've had; and even though I'm heartbroken that I could be letting a few people down, your feelings are the lynch pin. Christina got to see January go through such heartbreak and then she rose from the ashes like a phoenix. That was a beautiful thing to see. Every part of Jan, Fab and Xander is beautiful and blessed and it's so rare a union for the game that it warms everybody up who gets to witness. And you know what, this little family was that for me, too.
Ryan. God, what would Christina have done without you to keep her sane? Their friendship sparked so randomly, and I can still remember one of the first times they had a conversation about one of his entries, when she made a little video on that website. Then out of nowhere, she was cast in a movie with him, and it just built more and more from there. There's a word for things like that but I can't remember it. DON'T ASK ME TO THINK WHEN I'M EMOTIONAL. I love that they stayed friends through a lot of things. Loneliness, sadness, both mutual, it's very rare you get that. Seeing him realize his potential when it came to love and relationships was one of the best things to happen to her character in my two years here. (Two years, God.) She always knew he was destined for that sort of a love, and could not have been more thrilled with the woman he fell in love with. I hope you'll raise a glass(bottle) of Stoli and drink with me.
Blakey, I'm so happy for your happiness. It's all Christina ever wanted. I love you in all kinds of ways and am so glad to have had our paths cross. After all the crap Blake has been made to feel, it's about damn time that somebody treated her with the respect she deserves. Intelligent and wise, even if they had a couple of tiny tiny run ins back in the day, Chris definitely saw her as a younger sister. (Younger only in body!) The Charlotte to her Samiranda.
Neil, you know how I feel about you. The fact these two were so close in real life and we joined the place around the same time. All of it just sort of fell into place. Like it was meant to be. I see nothing better for Christina than riding off into the sunset on her gay unicorn. Remember when they got into bed together on stage? HA. I also need your number again. Get on that.
Kevin, you know how much I love you too and you know how to find me. I'm so sorry Chris has been a terrible friend over the last 8+ months. Sometimes I think time just catches up to us before we even realise it. He's the best boy toy she's ever had (even though it wasn't a real boy toy thing, the joke is still very much real!) and even if it weren't for Transamerica, I'm sure they would have become friends somewhere down the line.
What would Christina have done without anyone? NOTHING. Honestly, the community she fell into after I joined here was something I thought I would never see again in MBP. I thought the time of fun, chats and friendship was over. I came in at a time when customs were only just starting to be used, but I went ahead and got myself a screen name anyway and signed onto AIM. Within a couple of weeks, we had this little group that embraced the woman for who she was. It was an incredible surprise. You three I've struck up friendships with in brackets, and you know when it means something when you're the yin to your characters yang but are embraced in every way.
Eric, despite them ending the way that they did, Christina was very much in love with him. He wooed her like nobody else has ever wooed her and he did it with style. This woman was harder to pin down than Carrie Bradshaw and yet he did it. With a silly little mug and a message on her birthday last year. Fuck buddies became more than just that and it was so incredible a thing for her to feel. It truly, truly was. I hope hope hope you know this has nothing to do with what happened between them. I was a flaky SLP for a good while and I want to see you still here when I check in on my list from time to time. HOKAI? hokai. Really, though, thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Dave. You were a friend from the beginning, and even though I remember Christina's epic speech (which she gave to a lot of people) about how she doesn't date or whatever it was to that effect, his friendship always always meant such a great deal to her. Your words are wonderful, I'll read your entries from time to time if you promise to keep writing them. One of these days the clocks will stop.
Dianna, you've been one of Christina's saving graces for the last few months. I was so afraid that you'd end up going this road back when you were going through your own sort of thing back then, but I've never ever been more thankful that something didn't turn out to be. Your wealth of knowledge in music touches my music-hungry heart and Chris was a wealthier person in general for getting to be your friend.
Vinnie and Lizzie. YOU. You you you. You went first but you were the most perfect yous you could ever be. I have so much love in my heart for the both of you. So glad I have you both in the grand world of brackets now.
Gube. Your heart is so pure, so gentle and so kind. I'm a very lucky person to have been able to get to know you. I know the tie between him being in a movie with Geoff and Chris having been with Geoff was a little small, but the fact it turned out that they're good friends IRL just warmed my heart. I remember when I found out about it. I got so excited! I'll never forget our soiree into Superman or The Lion King together. I'll never forget anything about you.
Fab. You are the most wonderful person. Generous, kind, loyal. I'm not sure there's a limit to how beautiful you are inside and out. Take care of my girl for me, will you? I love you ever so much and am absolutely touched I got the opportunity to be in your life.
Matt Bomer, the Will to her Grace. She was so very Grace and he was so very Will. But it's cooler to be a Will than a Grace, so she was always very thankful that he stood by her despite her need to burst out into song (badly) every now and then and have terrible luck with men.
Amber B, I love you all kinds of ways every day and I always will. I hope you'll let me visit you in your balloon house so we can make bad puns together.
Xavier, you saucy little thing. You're so smart and so clever. I had no idea who Xavier was until you and he's so beautiful that I'm so happy to now know who he is. Beautiful heart. Let's bond over Gaspard forever.
Amber H. I would have treaded the lesbian path with you. You were so funny and you made me laugh all of the fucking time. I treasure laughter.
Eva, sisters in misfortune! What were our lives? No really. I miss seeing your face and talking about vibrators, men and just about everything with you.
Deb. Nerdy sibling of Lameber, you were always so wonderful to Chris from the get go. It's not something that can ever be forgotten. Be happy, ok?
Hunter. You're so lovely, I'm so sorry Christina wasn't around as much as I would have liked her to be. Mama's never too far away. God that sounds so wrong...
Elizabeth Banks. I've loved you for such a long time, I love absolutely everything you do. Keep doing it!
Jason. You made me laugh too. So sweet, so kind and such a gentleman. I hope you don't go anywhere for a while, and if you guys ever feel like watching Disney, I might pop my head out of the woodwork.
Katie. God, you. I'm so glad we got to reconnect after not talking for a while. You're another one who deserves every slice of happiness in the world. Keep at it girl!
Anna P. I'll never forget you helping me get a screen name or watching the Emmys with me. Again, you deserve happiness and if you don't get it I'll be sad.
Shia. Thank you for the last couple of months, I'm glad we finally got around to actually talking properly! Ps, we can do this we can do this.
Logan. I said everything to your leaving post, but your leaving has still left a hole in MBP. I'm sure everyone can feel it.
Emma. You are so funny (god I sound really repetitive in all of these things but YOU ARE) and I wish I'd been around more to get closer to you. You were always so warm and so lovely and so welcoming, you're a gem. Take care of Ryan for me.
Georgia. Joining you in the great beyond, did you save me a seat? July 2011 is all I can say. Thank you for your everything.
Andi. I'm so happy you got your happy ending. May it last for a long time. Also, how can I forget the joy that were girls nights? SUCH FUN.
Henry. Remember the night we stayed up until dawn (and then some - I beat you, ha!) talking about Charles Manson and his music? We talked about a lot of things and J and I always thought you were very precious. You are precious to me. I'm going to buy you a polar bear with my MBP retirement money.
Anna K. Love you long time. Even though you've already gone too.
Tim. We had a good time together, didn't we? I know Chris probably made things hard, but those few weeks were treasured very much and I'm sad they fell out of sync with one another.
Dom. So much. Everything. You were so wonderful to me the last couple of weeks and I only wish I could've had more sense of the character than I do. I'm so glad I got to know you a little anyway too and I wish you the utmost happiness.
Romi. Chin up, beautiful. It can't rain all the time.
Gary. BUT ISN'T IT FUN???? You have the sexiest pair of legs I've ever seen. I'm going to miss our Lou Barlow discussions insanely. I was so happy to find somebody who loved Sebadoh quite as much as me. And now I can tell you this here because I never could IC: my dog is named after Lou. Yes, I have a very hip dog. I'm trying to teach him how to howl along to Not Too Amused because he's not too amused with humans. Ha. You're wonderful, thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to know you.
Amber T. You're a shining light in the dark.
Caro. YOU ARE SO FUNNY AND WONDERFUL. I miss your baldness. Please shave again for me.
Adam. I'm going to miss foreplay week more than I've missed a lot of things from the past. Perhaps I'll delve in from time to time anyway.
Ryan A. You've gone now too, you're all deleted up but you're special so you get a message anyway.
MERYL, Alison, Lea, Zach, Seth, Zach G, Candice, Jessica C, Jen Carpenter, Carey, Jared, KBell, Paul, Quent, Lily, Leighton, God I'm so bad at this.
Thank you all so much. Every single one of you I've interacted with during my time here. Who knows? Maybe I'll come back, but we all know second comings are never quite the same as the first. My brain is failing, I'm not too sure. If anyone would like to trade e-mail addresses/tumblrs, I wouldn't mind doing that. I need to post this before I regret it. I'm just... sorry. I need to get out before my heart darkens any further.
That said, I would like to pick my replacement.]
[Of the three times I've done this, this time is probably the most altering. I keep trying to hold it all together, pin the broken pieces of material down until I can make this character whole again. Lately - and excuse this terminology, I've been watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy for the first time in ten years - logging into this journal has been a burden. A heavy, heavy burden. I've felt it before, and in old forms, I've let the feeling stew on so long out of pig-headedness. But this is a game, and it's not like it's Jumanji, you don't have to wait for a definitive end for it to come to one. The thing that's kept me around here has been the love of Christina's friends and the people she's close to. That's also been my main worry in doing this. I don't want to let anyone down. As much as this is just a game, real friendships can form through it and for me, they really really have. I've tried doing so many things to prevent this: I've talked myself out of it, I've been looking ahead to March for the new season to hopefully inspire me, I've tried to avoid it until it goes away, but I just don't feel it anymore. Who knows, I'll probably regret this in a week or two. With the way it feels, though, that's doubtful. I should really have known better than to play with the age old horror movie "I'll be right back", because, well, I'm stringing like Tatum in the garage door. It's been a long time coming.
I'm sorry, I really really am sorry, and I hope people understand.
Now to the part that's going to make me cry, and the only reason I can't just delete everything.
January. I couldn't have asked for a more amazing friendship than these two. You're one of the only few people who know that this forray into the world of a 30-something who enjoys make up and girly drinks and boys was a brand new experience for me. She was so much fun to play. What better to RP than your complete opposite? I'm a little tomboy in real life, so I couldn't have done that or many things without you. I wouldn't have reconnected with you bracketly, purely and magically by accident; I wouldn't have had so many late (and drunken, sometimes!) nights and hilarious conversations that only January and Christina could've had; and even though I'm heartbroken that I could be letting a few people down, your feelings are the lynch pin. Christina got to see January go through such heartbreak and then she rose from the ashes like a phoenix. That was a beautiful thing to see. Every part of Jan, Fab and Xander is beautiful and blessed and it's so rare a union for the game that it warms everybody up who gets to witness. And you know what, this little family was that for me, too.
Ryan. God, what would Christina have done without you to keep her sane? Their friendship sparked so randomly, and I can still remember one of the first times they had a conversation about one of his entries, when she made a little video on that website. Then out of nowhere, she was cast in a movie with him, and it just built more and more from there. There's a word for things like that but I can't remember it. DON'T ASK ME TO THINK WHEN I'M EMOTIONAL. I love that they stayed friends through a lot of things. Loneliness, sadness, both mutual, it's very rare you get that. Seeing him realize his potential when it came to love and relationships was one of the best things to happen to her character in my two years here. (Two years, God.) She always knew he was destined for that sort of a love, and could not have been more thrilled with the woman he fell in love with. I hope you'll raise a glass(bottle) of Stoli and drink with me.
Blakey, I'm so happy for your happiness. It's all Christina ever wanted. I love you in all kinds of ways and am so glad to have had our paths cross. After all the crap Blake has been made to feel, it's about damn time that somebody treated her with the respect she deserves. Intelligent and wise, even if they had a couple of tiny tiny run ins back in the day, Chris definitely saw her as a younger sister. (Younger only in body!) The Charlotte to her Samiranda.
Neil, you know how I feel about you. The fact these two were so close in real life and we joined the place around the same time. All of it just sort of fell into place. Like it was meant to be. I see nothing better for Christina than riding off into the sunset on her gay unicorn. Remember when they got into bed together on stage? HA. I also need your number again. Get on that.
Kevin, you know how much I love you too and you know how to find me. I'm so sorry Chris has been a terrible friend over the last 8+ months. Sometimes I think time just catches up to us before we even realise it. He's the best boy toy she's ever had (even though it wasn't a real boy toy thing, the joke is still very much real!) and even if it weren't for Transamerica, I'm sure they would have become friends somewhere down the line.
What would Christina have done without anyone? NOTHING. Honestly, the community she fell into after I joined here was something I thought I would never see again in MBP. I thought the time of fun, chats and friendship was over. I came in at a time when customs were only just starting to be used, but I went ahead and got myself a screen name anyway and signed onto AIM. Within a couple of weeks, we had this little group that embraced the woman for who she was. It was an incredible surprise. You three I've struck up friendships with in brackets, and you know when it means something when you're the yin to your characters yang but are embraced in every way.
Eric, despite them ending the way that they did, Christina was very much in love with him. He wooed her like nobody else has ever wooed her and he did it with style. This woman was harder to pin down than Carrie Bradshaw and yet he did it. With a silly little mug and a message on her birthday last year. Fuck buddies became more than just that and it was so incredible a thing for her to feel. It truly, truly was. I hope hope hope you know this has nothing to do with what happened between them. I was a flaky SLP for a good while and I want to see you still here when I check in on my list from time to time. HOKAI? hokai. Really, though, thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Dave. You were a friend from the beginning, and even though I remember Christina's epic speech (which she gave to a lot of people) about how she doesn't date or whatever it was to that effect, his friendship always always meant such a great deal to her. Your words are wonderful, I'll read your entries from time to time if you promise to keep writing them. One of these days the clocks will stop.
Dianna, you've been one of Christina's saving graces for the last few months. I was so afraid that you'd end up going this road back when you were going through your own sort of thing back then, but I've never ever been more thankful that something didn't turn out to be. Your wealth of knowledge in music touches my music-hungry heart and Chris was a wealthier person in general for getting to be your friend.
Vinnie and Lizzie. YOU. You you you. You went first but you were the most perfect yous you could ever be. I have so much love in my heart for the both of you. So glad I have you both in the grand world of brackets now.
Gube. Your heart is so pure, so gentle and so kind. I'm a very lucky person to have been able to get to know you. I know the tie between him being in a movie with Geoff and Chris having been with Geoff was a little small, but the fact it turned out that they're good friends IRL just warmed my heart. I remember when I found out about it. I got so excited! I'll never forget our soiree into Superman or The Lion King together. I'll never forget anything about you.
Fab. You are the most wonderful person. Generous, kind, loyal. I'm not sure there's a limit to how beautiful you are inside and out. Take care of my girl for me, will you? I love you ever so much and am absolutely touched I got the opportunity to be in your life.
Matt Bomer, the Will to her Grace. She was so very Grace and he was so very Will. But it's cooler to be a Will than a Grace, so she was always very thankful that he stood by her despite her need to burst out into song (badly) every now and then and have terrible luck with men.
Amber B, I love you all kinds of ways every day and I always will. I hope you'll let me visit you in your balloon house so we can make bad puns together.
Xavier, you saucy little thing. You're so smart and so clever. I had no idea who Xavier was until you and he's so beautiful that I'm so happy to now know who he is. Beautiful heart. Let's bond over Gaspard forever.
Amber H. I would have treaded the lesbian path with you. You were so funny and you made me laugh all of the fucking time. I treasure laughter.
Eva, sisters in misfortune! What were our lives? No really. I miss seeing your face and talking about vibrators, men and just about everything with you.
Deb. Nerdy sibling of Lameber, you were always so wonderful to Chris from the get go. It's not something that can ever be forgotten. Be happy, ok?
Hunter. You're so lovely, I'm so sorry Christina wasn't around as much as I would have liked her to be. Mama's never too far away. God that sounds so wrong...
Elizabeth Banks. I've loved you for such a long time, I love absolutely everything you do. Keep doing it!
Jason. You made me laugh too. So sweet, so kind and such a gentleman. I hope you don't go anywhere for a while, and if you guys ever feel like watching Disney, I might pop my head out of the woodwork.
Katie. God, you. I'm so glad we got to reconnect after not talking for a while. You're another one who deserves every slice of happiness in the world. Keep at it girl!
Anna P. I'll never forget you helping me get a screen name or watching the Emmys with me. Again, you deserve happiness and if you don't get it I'll be sad.
Shia. Thank you for the last couple of months, I'm glad we finally got around to actually talking properly! Ps, we can do this we can do this.
Logan. I said everything to your leaving post, but your leaving has still left a hole in MBP. I'm sure everyone can feel it.
Emma. You are so funny (god I sound really repetitive in all of these things but YOU ARE) and I wish I'd been around more to get closer to you. You were always so warm and so lovely and so welcoming, you're a gem. Take care of Ryan for me.
Georgia. Joining you in the great beyond, did you save me a seat? July 2011 is all I can say. Thank you for your everything.
Andi. I'm so happy you got your happy ending. May it last for a long time. Also, how can I forget the joy that were girls nights? SUCH FUN.
Henry. Remember the night we stayed up until dawn (and then some - I beat you, ha!) talking about Charles Manson and his music? We talked about a lot of things and J and I always thought you were very precious. You are precious to me. I'm going to buy you a polar bear with my MBP retirement money.
Anna K. Love you long time. Even though you've already gone too.
Tim. We had a good time together, didn't we? I know Chris probably made things hard, but those few weeks were treasured very much and I'm sad they fell out of sync with one another.
Dom. So much. Everything. You were so wonderful to me the last couple of weeks and I only wish I could've had more sense of the character than I do. I'm so glad I got to know you a little anyway too and I wish you the utmost happiness.
Romi. Chin up, beautiful. It can't rain all the time.
Gary. BUT ISN'T IT FUN???? You have the sexiest pair of legs I've ever seen. I'm going to miss our Lou Barlow discussions insanely. I was so happy to find somebody who loved Sebadoh quite as much as me. And now I can tell you this here because I never could IC: my dog is named after Lou. Yes, I have a very hip dog. I'm trying to teach him how to howl along to Not Too Amused because he's not too amused with humans. Ha. You're wonderful, thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to know you.
Amber T. You're a shining light in the dark.
Caro. YOU ARE SO FUNNY AND WONDERFUL. I miss your baldness. Please shave again for me.
Adam. I'm going to miss foreplay week more than I've missed a lot of things from the past. Perhaps I'll delve in from time to time anyway.
Ryan A. You've gone now too, you're all deleted up but you're special so you get a message anyway.
MERYL, Alison, Lea, Zach, Seth, Zach G, Candice, Jessica C, Jen Carpenter, Carey, Jared, KBell, Paul, Quent, Lily, Leighton, God I'm so bad at this.
Thank you all so much. Every single one of you I've interacted with during my time here. Who knows? Maybe I'll come back, but we all know second comings are never quite the same as the first. My brain is failing, I'm not too sure. If anyone would like to trade e-mail addresses/tumblrs, I wouldn't mind doing that. I need to post this before I regret it. I'm just... sorry. I need to get out before my heart darkens any further.
That said, I would like to pick my replacement.]