how herbert saved christmas

[herbert404]

My mother's house is not my home. It isn't hers, either. For an unspecified period of time she's renting a place on the Cape, and that's where I had Christmas with one of my families today

Comments

[sanechemicals]

Plymouth trees bear a strange fruit,
White on the leaves and white at the root,
Green body swinging in the Southern breeze,
Strange huzz hanging from the Plymouth trees.

Pastoral scene of the gallant 'mouth,
The plastic eyes and the grimaced mouth,
Scent of magnolia sweet and fresh,
And the sudden sound of ripping flesh!

Here is a fruit for the crows to pluck,
For the rain to gather, for the wind to suck,
For the sun to rot, for a tree to drop,
Here is a strange and bitter crop.

Coincidence?

[herbert404]

Incidentally, Billie Holiday sounds very much like Herbert when she sings this song. I quite like the rewrite.

[herbert404]

Yeah, you can only get the consecutive bj comment if you're perverted enough to have watched Ninja Turtles porn.

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[tastymoogdust]

"hey april, dont cut me any slack now"

"cummmminnnnnnmyyyymoutthhhhh"

haaaa

[herbert404]

Someone should make tee-shirts featuring Krang with turtle cum dribbling out of his mouth. I'd wear one every day.

[tastymoogdust]

:)

[herbert404]

;)

[nimrandir9]

First, I must confess that I enjoy your entries immensely. Always so well written and descriptive, your exceptional story telling skills almost make up for the disgusting plenitude of pathetic internet slang most people use! Bravo, Melissa!

And secondly, I totally have a three foot stuffed turtle. But it's Donatello, I got him a few years ago for a birthday present. I was ecstatic. Herbert sounds like a great turtle, did he ever dance with Vanilla Ice?

Oh, and did you enjoy it when during the TMNT song during the credits they said "Raphael...he's the leader of the group." I admit, I was sorely cross. Clearly, the leader was Leonardo, whether we will admit it or not.

[herbert404]

I was going to start off my reply with a slew of lol's, j/k's, and other trash, but the only Internet jargon I could think of was lol and j/k. As a side note, I was talking to Heather the other day, and we were discussing how ridiculous some Internet-speak is. Lol? I could go on forever about that. First of all, how many times do people REALLY laugh outloud? More importantly, what said during an ONLINE conversation is really that funny?

Anyway, thank you! I'm glad you enjoy reading them. This one was particularly fun to write because the subject matter was so ridiculous.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU HAVE A NINJA TURTLE. A few years ago, I went on e-bay to see if I could find a stuffed turtle for my brother, Mike. I couldn't find anything, but now I have hope that someday I will! Donatello is pretty cool, too; I would say he's the second-best turtle. What a great gift :)

Herbert has done many things -- he was even possessed once. We wrote a parody of the Exorcist , and Herbert got Linda Blair's part. Sadly, he never met Vanilla Ice, but I

[mte]

usually when i say "lol" i actually do laugh out loud. but it's just a quick "ha." and when i type "ha" i actually do laugh but more boisterously. but usually in a very contained manner. but in any case, i am smiling.

so the rhetorical point of "lol" is to communicate that the subject matter being discussed brings a smile to my face, which cant visually be transferred. and the smiley icon itself has a completely different connotation. anyhow, im talking to you now so... nevermind

lol.

[sc00bydamn]

I'd give Raphael a blow job. Or at least play with his nuts/shaft.

Also, best entry ever.

-Paul

[herbert404]

I bought a special April-suit complete with crotch-zipper. I'll let you wear it.