(no subject)
i have small bursts of inspiration and lose them as quickly as they arrive.
i used to be "brilliant" and good and intelligent, but all that has sort of melted and now maybe i would just be referred to as "smart." i used to be an excellent writer, capable of constructing marvelous works of fiction and poetry and make everyone "ooh" and "aah" over my silly creations. i used to be able to draw and paint and make nice things that no one else did. collages and whatnot. i don't even know where all of my things are. hidden away in my millions of closet boxes.
that picture is entitled "lost." and that's what i am. i avoid going to class because i don't even want to be there. i don't want to be in this school or this major anymore because i've just grown tired of trying, you know? i thought music was it. it wasn't. i thought biology was it. i don't really know what i'm doing. there's these genius lab partners of mine who have been studying AP biology every day since they were six or something, and here's me, who didn't even make it into pre-AP biology, just barely, but instead excelled in math and english and history and shouldn't that count for something? they talk about how their future plans will consist of trips to the amazon or the such-and-such islands with the turtles and the monkeys or something, and dr. benkman talks about how we can take a trip to the mediterranean to study this and this and this, but i can't. i don't know that many things. i thought i did. i pretended i did, but i don't feel like doing that so much anymore.
once upon a time i also had my own sort of "style," no labels, please, and my music that was personally mine. they would say, "where did you hear of such eclectic things," and ask me where i had been looking. i didn't really look. they just sort of popped up and were like, hey, sarah, this is for you. that was nice and good and i didn't feel as if i was being a, dare i whisper it, "POSER" or some other sort of label i hate, but i felt as if i should have it and own it and make it only mine. so you imagine my surprise when there's interest, when the whole of teenybopper culture has become one giant pop-punk-avril-fake-fake-fake thing that i hate and can't handle anymore. i don't feel like listening to things anymore, i feel as if i'm pretending again. i don't like it.
i don't know what to do with myself. i just don't know what to do with myself, sung in cameron diaz my best friend's wedding fashion. i want to start DOING and stop learning. i can learn by doing, can't i not? he wants to prepare us for the future ahead, to be as helpful as possible, but nothing is helping. no one is helping. no one is in my major and can let me borrow their book and study with them and pass notes in class so we can giggle. no one else is there. just me.
if i don't understand something, i do not ask. i refuse to ask for help. i guess we're just too proud. that's why i'm lost in a majority of my classes the semester. i won't ask for help.
moving on. that's more than enough. ne prends pas de sucre!
once upon a time, there were also people who listened to me and who i could talk to about anything. it seems as if everyone is changing, and i'm not sure if for the better. the people whom i love know that i love them because i'm very vocal about it. but....those others....you don't have to pretend either. you don't have to be what he wants you to be, what you think that you should be because of him or her or any sort of outside influence. i don't want to see you all stepped on. just...settle down. be quiet and listen for once.
sometimes i don't like people and i want everyone to understand that. i get shaky in crowds and want to disappear. i enter the lobby and wish instantly that i was somewhere else. i have a fear of calling people i don't normally call and i tense up when people try to touch me. i have this intense inferiority complex that i can't understand and a horrible self-image that i wish would improve with the loss of weight. it will. i just need to try harder. you can find anything with lower fat content in any fast food restaurant. i snap at people but i try not to. it's always a double edged sword, me with this need to be around people and not be left behind, but hating it all the same.
please don't get me started on the "greeks." you don't have to vote for anyone. please don't broadcast your popularity to us. thank you.
i'm so sorry for babbling. i think i've given far too much insight into what i've been thinking about lately and unintentionally pulled you inside. ignore it all. this message will self-destruct.