[Fanfic, Script] Mine is Better! [1/??]
Author: sir_blinky + brothers
Title: Mine is Better!
Rating: T, for a little bit of bad language.
Characters/Pairings: Um, a lot? England, America, Denmark, Norway, Belarus, Russia, France, Canada, Indonesia, Malaysia, Vietnam, Australia, Switzerland, Greece, Turkey, Japan, China, S. Korea, Kumajirou
Warnings: Some bad language. And I sincerely apologize for any script/html formatting fail. And the length. I seriously didn't think it'd get this long.
Word Count: Um... it's about 15 pages. Not sure about the actual word count.
Summary: The nations arguing over who has the better weapons.
INT. WORLD SUMMIT MEETING ROOM - DAY
All the countries are seated around a table. It is a short break, and ARTHUR and FRANCIS can be heard outside, arguing.
Curious, YAO, KIKU, SADIQ, and DENMARK overhear, and go outside to investigate.
EXT. CORRIDOR - DAY
ARTHUR
-ou bloody frog! Your rapiers have got nothing on my bows! Don't you remember Agincourt, you wine bastard? Enough arrows to blot out the sun from the sky! My archers massacred your soldiers.
FRANCIS
Of course, Angleterre. But your longbows are tasteless, and have no artistic flair at all. Mon cher, longbows are très laid. Terrible, terrible, and tasteless.
ARTHUR
Weapons are not meant to be beautiful, you idiot! Bloody idiots like you have no place in war. Like your flashy uniform. You know it attracts snipers?
Kiku glances worriedly from Arthur to Francis, looking like he wants to say something but never getting the chance. Denmark and Sadiq try to hide their laughter, and Yao acts like a frustrated parent, shaking his head and facepalming.
FRANCIS
Why, Angleterre, I didn't know you were worried for me? I didn't know you cared.
ARTHUR
(embarrassed and angry)
Y-y-you frog!
Yao rolls his eyes and feels that it is time to interject.
YAO
Aiyah! These children are so naive. Don't you know that longbows are so outdated, aru? Swords have no more place in a true battle. Crossbows are much better. Especially my repeating crossbow, aru.
ARTHUR
(without looking away from Francis)
They are bloody useless. And who exactly are you calling outdated?
FRANCIS
As much as it pains my beating heart to admit to such a heinous act; I agree with England. You could at least make the colors nicer. Or add some roses. Roses make everything so much more beautiful.
ARTHUR
Oh bugger off!
Francis and Arthur ignore the others and start brawling. ANTONIO comes back from the toilet, smiling, and when he sees the two of them, just keeps on smiling, waves to the group outside, and goes into the room.
KIKU
Well, that was quite an interesting experience. I was not aware that Arthur-san knows that many curses.
The door from the meeting room bursts open, and ALFRED is seen in his standard hero pose.
ALFRED
Oi, you old geezers! You don't know about modern technology!
ARTHUR AND FRANCIS
A-Alfred?
ALFRED
(ignoring everyone)
I have my best weapon right here!
Alfred reaches into his pocket, and takes out a fully loaded bazooka. He points it at Arthur and Francis, unknowingly, and the two of them hug each other and scream.
ALFRED (CONT'D)
Come on, I'll take the both of you on! Unless you're too scared about breaking your back or your fingers falling out from arthirtis!
The door opens again, and IVAN walks out. After he does so, bullets slam against the closing door. One narrowly misses the smiling Ivan's ear.
SADIQ
What was that?
IVAN
Oh, nothing. It was a mere disagreement about Liechtenstein's ownership with Vash. Nothing too serious.
DENMARK
(mutters)
I wouldn't think anything that involves guns would be 'nothing serious'.
IVAN
Speaking of which, hello, Arthur, Francis, Kiku, Sadiq, Yao-
Ivan has a dark look in his eye when he sees Yao. Yao lets out a strangled yelp and hides behind Kiku, clutching SHINATTY-CHAN as he does so.
IVAN
-Denmark-
DENMARK
Hey! Why do they get first names while I only have a country?
ALFRED
What is your name anyway?
DENMARK
Uh...
IVAN
It does not matter, da? You will all become one with Russia anyway, is that not true?
ALFRED
Never, you communist pig!
Alfred turns the gun and points it at Ivan, who smiles and pulls out an AK-47 from the inside of his coat.
IVAN
Ah well, I tried playing nice with the fat capitalist bastard.
Ivan pulls the trigger before anyone can react. As the bullets spray around the area, everyone ducks and covers. Francis and Arthur do not stop fighting as they do so. There is angry yelling and cursing from inside the room until the bullet-filled door slams open and a pissed off Vash enters, shotguns blazing.
VASH
What the hell is wrong with you bastards? Can't you be quiet for five minutes?
Ivan smiles at and points the gun at Vash, who rolls to the side and points the other shotgun at Ivan, keeping one trained on Francis.
ALFRED
Well, I would, but this goddamn communist wants to fight.
IVAN
(cheerfully)
I wouldn't have to fight if you all become one with the Russia. Except for the capitalist, of course. I don't want plague in my country.
KIKU
Don't you think that this is quite unnecessary? Maybe you should put down the guns and try t-
Alfred accidentally shoots the bazooka in Vash's direction. Vash dives down, a murderous look in his eyes, and returns fire.
Ivan, on the other hand, resumes fire on Alfred.
ARTHUR
STOP IT YOU BLOODY IDIOTS!!
Everybody freezes, except for Ivan, Vash, and Alfred. Ivan and Vash continue firing at Alfred, who points his bazooka at Arthur.
Arhur looks nervous, starts sweating, and holding his hand up in surrender.
ARTHUR (CONT'D)
Er... maybe we can discuss this like gentlemen over tea and scones?
ALFRED
Like I want any of your cooking, old timer! I'd rather have Tino's stuff than yours!
Arthur gets angry, and tries to strangle Alfred before remembering that he has a longbow and utilizes it. Francis helps Alfred, by poking Arthur.
ALFRED (CONT'D)
And all of your swords suck anyway! Guns are way better than your stupid melee stuff.
KIKU
I believe I will have to take offense to that.
Kiku draws his katana and dons a black ninja suit.
KIKU (CONT'D)
The katana is a weapon forged from the smith's soul. It is a weapon reserved for the most noble and truest of warriors and-
ALFRED
Yeah, yeah, whatever. Just save your ninja-ninja stuff for TV. I wanna fight!
KIKU
If you wish.
Kiku rushes at Alfred while Yao starts facepalming. Again. Alfred whoops and starts firing at Kiku, who dodges every single shot.
Vash and Ivan stare at each other for exactly six seconds, and resume firing.
YAO
Stop this, aru!
Yao draws his crossbow and begins firing, but the arrows do nothing, except irritate Arthur.
ARTHUR
I told you that thing was bloody useless!
YAO
It is not, aru! It's... it's... just not working right now!
SADIQ
You just keep telling yourself that. I prefer a good scimitar myself.
DENMARK
Hah! That's got nothing on my axe.
Denmark heaves up his axe, and Sadiq unsheates his scimitar. He points it at Denmark who laughs and starts swinging his axe around, narrowly missing Japan's head.
ALFRED
No way! My weapons are bigger!
SADIQ
Overcompensating for something, are we?
KIKU
I find it highly shameful that even with such a big weapon, you cannot hit me, a simple sword wielder with it.
ALFRED
Hey, don't blame me! You're just too short!
FRANCIS
You are, how do we say, petite.
KIKU
(with a dark glint in his eye)
You have just insulted my honor. As a true and noble warrior, I cannot let that go without retribution.
DENMARK
Do you get the feeling that we're forgetting somebody?
ALFRED
(as he dodges bullets)
Cool! This is just like the G8 meeting!
KIKU
(while still attacking Alfred)
I believe it is Matthew-san. He tends to be somewhat invisible.
MATTHEW (V.O.)
Hey! I take offense to that!
Alfred pauses.
ALFRED
Did you hear something?
Everybody shakes their head.
DENMARK
No.
ALFRED
Okay then.
Everybody resumes fighting, with Yao trying to convince everybody that his crossbow will work. Denmark and Sadiq look at each other.
SADIQ
If there's a fight like this going on, and we have our weapons out, and nobody will try and stop us from joining in, why are we just standing here and doing nothing?
DENMARK
Good question. Unfortunately, it's not applicable anymore.
Denmark jumps into the middle of the fight, swinging his axe around and narrowly missing other people's heads and other body parts.
Sadiq stares for a short moment, shrugs, and jumps in as well.
MATTHEW stares at everybody with his mouth wide open. Bullets embed themselves in the wall around him, and he squeaks and ducks to avoid being chopped in half by Sadiq's scimitar.
MATTHEW
Stop! Guys, stop!
He holds KUMAJIROU tighter.
MATTHEW (CONT'D)
Stop fighting! You guys can't fight here. We need to go back to the meeting!
Everybody ignores Matthew.
MATTHEW (CONT'D)
Lili is waiting.
Vash immediately stops, and looks to Matthew with a dead-serious look in his eye.
MATTHEW (CONT'D)
Raivis and Peter are sitting on either side of her. Latvia's stuttering when he's talking and Peter's smiling.
VASH
That's it! Those two had better not do anything to her!
Vash immediately turns around and marches back into the meeting room, letting the door slam shut with a loud bang.
Everybody stares at Matthew.
ARTHUR
But Raivis always stutters and Peter always smiles
MATTHEW
(shrugging)
It worked, didn't it?
SADIQ
Yeah, for him. Not for us!
The brawl immediately continues, except for Denmark who crosses his arms and pouts.
DENMARK
Hey! Lili isn't even her real name! Why am I still 'Denmark'?
A troll's fist comes out of nowhere and punches Denmark in the gut, driving him up the wall. NORWAY enters the corridor, arms crossed.
NORWAY
Because you're an idiot.
ALFRED
(whispering to Francis)
Did you see that? How'd he fly up there?
FRANCIS
Je ne sais pas.
Alfred stares, and then shrugs.
ALFRED
Who cares? Norway! What's your weapon? Whatever it is, I bet mine's better!
Norway stares at Alfred like he is insane. His expression does not change.
NORWAY
Magic.
Alfred cracks up, and slings an arm around Arthur's neck. He pulls the other nation down with him as he laughs and rolls around.
ALFRED
That's hilarious! Norway's as cuckoo as you are, old man!
Arthur gets angry, Norway extends his right hand, and a unicorn and a troll appear.
The unicorn just narrowly misses stabbing Alfred in the stomach with its horn while the troll tries to pick up Alfred but fails because Alfred is rolling around too much.
Norway looks annoyed.
Denmark picks himself up, and gives a grin and two thumbs up to Norway.
DENMARK
Hey, Norge, looks like your trolls didn't work this time.
ALFRED
Him too! Denmark's crazy too!
DENMARK
Oi, American! You think I'm crazy? I'll show you what I did to Britannia back in the old days!
NORWAY
When you were drunk and stripping on your longboat?
DENMARK
You were with me too! You and Berwald! The both of you! I raised the two of you to be the best vikings ever and this is how you repay me?
NORWAY
You have done nothing except be a bad influence on my brother.
DENMARK
Oh yeah, Icey. Have you got him to call you his brother yet?
NORWAY
At least it's going better than you trying to get Berwald to admitting that he's your brother.
Norway and Denmark bicker, and eventually fade away into the next corridor. Everybody stares after them, and blink.
Ivan is stroking his gun, still having it pointed at Alfred. Matthew sees this.
MATTHEW
Natalya is headed down this corridor. She just left the meeting room, because you weren't there. She won't look in there again.
Ivan pales, drops his gun, and dives into the meeting room.
NATALYA (V.O.)
Brother... brother... let's get married, brother, marriedmarriedmarriedmarried...
Everybody stares in the direction where the voice came from. Around the corner, there is the glint of a knife.
Alfred screams.
NATALYA appears.
NATALYA
What have you done to my brother? Where is he? If you did anything to him, I will take this knife and I will chop your toes and fingers off and shove them down your throat and force you to swallow and-
EVERYONE
He'sinthemeetingroom!
NATALYA
He'd better be in there.
Natalya rips the doorknob out, and her evil aura appears. Everybody takes a step back, as she chants 'marriedmarriedmarried...' and goes into the room.
Everybody can hear Ivan screaming. Other random nations bolt out the door and scatter.
Alfred stares at Matthew.
ALFRED
Mattie, you're evil.
KUMAJIROU
Who?
MATTHEW
I'm Canada. Matthew.
Matthew turns to America.
MATTHEW
It got rid of him, didn't it?
ALFRED
Point.
Matthew looks at Sadiq.
MATTHEW
Herakles and Gupta will be looking for you. Herakles has a new breed of cat with extra sharp claws, he's gotten a new and very spiky cross, and Gupta's trained his jackal to sic you.
Sadiq pales as well, and saunters away, whistling nervously.
MATTHEW
(calling after Sadiq)
If you go to the meeting room, Gupta will still be trying to sell pots and Herakles will be sleeping!
Sadiq does a one-eighty and spins right into the direction of the meeting room.
He bursts out soon after, a demented cat and a jackal chasing after him.
SADIQ
You said he would be sleeping~!
Everybody peers into the room. Herakles is snoring. Gupta is nowhere to be seen.
MATTHEW
Feliciano wants the recipe for your scones. He says they're delicious.
Arthur coughs.
ARTHUR
He- he does?
ALFRED
What are you talking about? His scones are disg-
Matthew slaps a hand over Alfred's mouth.
MATTHEW
He's somewhere near the outside right now. If you hurry, maybe you can show him how to cook them properly.
ARTHUR
Er... of course! I- I'll go! Right now! Yes!
Arthur rushes off, looking happy that somebody likes (or not) his cooking.
Matthew looks at Francis, and then to Alfred. He glances back and forth between them.
Yao is still trying to convince Kiku that his crossbow will work, while Kiku is only listening out of politeness. His ninja outfit is still on.
MATTHEW
Yong Soo has Shinatty-chan.
YAO
Shinatty-chan?! Kiku, we have to get Shinatty-chan back, aru! Where is he?
MATTHEW
The top floor. He shouldn't be coming down for a while.
Yao grabs Kiku's hand and rushes off.
The remaining three watch them go.
FRANCIS
Hm.
MATTHEW
Herakles says he uncovered some pictures from the Olympics. The original ones.
FRANCIS
If you'll excuse me, mes cheris, I have some business to discuss with Herakles.
Francis bursts into the meeting room with a loud bang of the door. Herakles is still asleep.
Alfred points at Matthew.
ALFRED
You won't get rid of me that easy, Mattie! I'm a hero!
MATTHEW
Ludwig has agreed to give you Hamburg. You know, the place that's made out of burgers.
ALFRED
Really really really really? Really?
MATTHEW
Ludwig's with Feliciano. You might catch him if you're quick.
Alfred is gone before Matthew starts the second sentence. He sighs in relief and is about to stagger back into the meeting room, when the door bursts open yet again.
MALAYSIA and INDONESIA stumble out, already in the middle of an argument.
MALAYSIA
The kris is mine!
INDONESIA
No, it's mine!
MALAYSIA
Mine!
INDONESIA
The kris is mine, you Malaysian bastard!
MALAYSIA
MINE!
INDONESIA
MINE!
Another person steps out, and it's AUSTRALIA. His koala is gnawing on his ear.
AUSTRALIA
You both are idiots. Everyone knows my Metal Storm is best! One million bullets a minute!
INDONESIA AND MALAYSIA
It's just a bunch of metal!
Indonesia and Malaysia glare at each other.
INDONESIA
Batik is still mine!
MALAYSIA
Like hell it is!
AUSTRALIA
Are you talking about clothes or weapons, ya sissies?!
MALAYSIA
Who are you calling a sissy?
AUSTRALIA
You! My Metal Storm beats your kitchen knives any day.
INDONESIA
I'd like to see you try.
Indonesia and Malaysia draw a kris each, and Australia reaches into his pocket and takes out the gun. It has teeth marks and slobber all over it.
His koala munches on some hair.
VIETNAM sees the three of them and rolls her eyes. She takes out a spear.
VIETNAM
You three are such imbeciles. My spear is obviously better than your weapons.
AUSTRALIA
Wanna try and prove that, sheila?
Matthew facepalms.
MATTHEW
Here we go again.
There are Feliciano's wails of pure despair in the background, and the scent of smoke and burning scones drifts up to the third floor.
Natalya drags Ivan out of the room.
The scream of 'ANIKIIIIIIIII!' is heard through the whole building. There is the slightly less loud, 'Shinatty-chan was invented in Korea, you know?'
Matthew facepalms again.
MATTHEW (CONT'D)
Um... do you want pancakes?
Title: Mine is Better!
Rating: T, for a little bit of bad language.
Characters/Pairings: Um, a lot? England, America, Denmark, Norway, Belarus, Russia, France, Canada, Indonesia, Malaysia, Vietnam, Australia, Switzerland, Greece, Turkey, Japan, China, S. Korea, Kumajirou
Warnings: Some bad language. And I sincerely apologize for any script/html formatting fail. And the length. I seriously didn't think it'd get this long.
Word Count: Um... it's about 15 pages. Not sure about the actual word count.
Summary: The nations arguing over who has the better weapons.
INT. WORLD SUMMIT MEETING ROOM - DAY
All the countries are seated around a table. It is a short break, and ARTHUR and FRANCIS can be heard outside, arguing.
Curious, YAO, KIKU, SADIQ, and DENMARK overhear, and go outside to investigate.
EXT. CORRIDOR - DAY
ARTHUR
-ou bloody frog! Your rapiers have got nothing on my bows! Don't you remember Agincourt, you wine bastard? Enough arrows to blot out the sun from the sky! My archers massacred your soldiers.
FRANCIS
Of course, Angleterre. But your longbows are tasteless, and have no artistic flair at all. Mon cher, longbows are très laid. Terrible, terrible, and tasteless.
ARTHUR
Weapons are not meant to be beautiful, you idiot! Bloody idiots like you have no place in war. Like your flashy uniform. You know it attracts snipers?
Kiku glances worriedly from Arthur to Francis, looking like he wants to say something but never getting the chance. Denmark and Sadiq try to hide their laughter, and Yao acts like a frustrated parent, shaking his head and facepalming.
FRANCIS
Why, Angleterre, I didn't know you were worried for me? I didn't know you cared.
ARTHUR
(embarrassed and angry)
Y-y-you frog!
Yao rolls his eyes and feels that it is time to interject.
YAO
Aiyah! These children are so naive. Don't you know that longbows are so outdated, aru? Swords have no more place in a true battle. Crossbows are much better. Especially my repeating crossbow, aru.
ARTHUR
(without looking away from Francis)
They are bloody useless. And who exactly are you calling outdated?
FRANCIS
As much as it pains my beating heart to admit to such a heinous act; I agree with England. You could at least make the colors nicer. Or add some roses. Roses make everything so much more beautiful.
ARTHUR
Oh bugger off!
Francis and Arthur ignore the others and start brawling. ANTONIO comes back from the toilet, smiling, and when he sees the two of them, just keeps on smiling, waves to the group outside, and goes into the room.
KIKU
Well, that was quite an interesting experience. I was not aware that Arthur-san knows that many curses.
The door from the meeting room bursts open, and ALFRED is seen in his standard hero pose.
ALFRED
Oi, you old geezers! You don't know about modern technology!
ARTHUR AND FRANCIS
A-Alfred?
ALFRED
(ignoring everyone)
I have my best weapon right here!
Alfred reaches into his pocket, and takes out a fully loaded bazooka. He points it at Arthur and Francis, unknowingly, and the two of them hug each other and scream.
ALFRED (CONT'D)
Come on, I'll take the both of you on! Unless you're too scared about breaking your back or your fingers falling out from arthirtis!
The door opens again, and IVAN walks out. After he does so, bullets slam against the closing door. One narrowly misses the smiling Ivan's ear.
SADIQ
What was that?
IVAN
Oh, nothing. It was a mere disagreement about Liechtenstein's ownership with Vash. Nothing too serious.
DENMARK
(mutters)
I wouldn't think anything that involves guns would be 'nothing serious'.
IVAN
Speaking of which, hello, Arthur, Francis, Kiku, Sadiq, Yao-
Ivan has a dark look in his eye when he sees Yao. Yao lets out a strangled yelp and hides behind Kiku, clutching SHINATTY-CHAN as he does so.
IVAN
-Denmark-
DENMARK
Hey! Why do they get first names while I only have a country?
ALFRED
What is your name anyway?
DENMARK
Uh...
IVAN
It does not matter, da? You will all become one with Russia anyway, is that not true?
ALFRED
Never, you communist pig!
Alfred turns the gun and points it at Ivan, who smiles and pulls out an AK-47 from the inside of his coat.
IVAN
Ah well, I tried playing nice with the fat capitalist bastard.
Ivan pulls the trigger before anyone can react. As the bullets spray around the area, everyone ducks and covers. Francis and Arthur do not stop fighting as they do so. There is angry yelling and cursing from inside the room until the bullet-filled door slams open and a pissed off Vash enters, shotguns blazing.
VASH
What the hell is wrong with you bastards? Can't you be quiet for five minutes?
Ivan smiles at and points the gun at Vash, who rolls to the side and points the other shotgun at Ivan, keeping one trained on Francis.
ALFRED
Well, I would, but this goddamn communist wants to fight.
IVAN
(cheerfully)
I wouldn't have to fight if you all become one with the Russia. Except for the capitalist, of course. I don't want plague in my country.
KIKU
Don't you think that this is quite unnecessary? Maybe you should put down the guns and try t-
Alfred accidentally shoots the bazooka in Vash's direction. Vash dives down, a murderous look in his eyes, and returns fire.
Ivan, on the other hand, resumes fire on Alfred.
ARTHUR
STOP IT YOU BLOODY IDIOTS!!
Everybody freezes, except for Ivan, Vash, and Alfred. Ivan and Vash continue firing at Alfred, who points his bazooka at Arthur.
Arhur looks nervous, starts sweating, and holding his hand up in surrender.
ARTHUR (CONT'D)
Er... maybe we can discuss this like gentlemen over tea and scones?
ALFRED
Like I want any of your cooking, old timer! I'd rather have Tino's stuff than yours!
Arthur gets angry, and tries to strangle Alfred before remembering that he has a longbow and utilizes it. Francis helps Alfred, by poking Arthur.
ALFRED (CONT'D)
And all of your swords suck anyway! Guns are way better than your stupid melee stuff.
KIKU
I believe I will have to take offense to that.
Kiku draws his katana and dons a black ninja suit.
KIKU (CONT'D)
The katana is a weapon forged from the smith's soul. It is a weapon reserved for the most noble and truest of warriors and-
ALFRED
Yeah, yeah, whatever. Just save your ninja-ninja stuff for TV. I wanna fight!
KIKU
If you wish.
Kiku rushes at Alfred while Yao starts facepalming. Again. Alfred whoops and starts firing at Kiku, who dodges every single shot.
Vash and Ivan stare at each other for exactly six seconds, and resume firing.
YAO
Stop this, aru!
Yao draws his crossbow and begins firing, but the arrows do nothing, except irritate Arthur.
ARTHUR
I told you that thing was bloody useless!
YAO
It is not, aru! It's... it's... just not working right now!
SADIQ
You just keep telling yourself that. I prefer a good scimitar myself.
DENMARK
Hah! That's got nothing on my axe.
Denmark heaves up his axe, and Sadiq unsheates his scimitar. He points it at Denmark who laughs and starts swinging his axe around, narrowly missing Japan's head.
ALFRED
No way! My weapons are bigger!
SADIQ
Overcompensating for something, are we?
KIKU
I find it highly shameful that even with such a big weapon, you cannot hit me, a simple sword wielder with it.
ALFRED
Hey, don't blame me! You're just too short!
FRANCIS
You are, how do we say, petite.
KIKU
(with a dark glint in his eye)
You have just insulted my honor. As a true and noble warrior, I cannot let that go without retribution.
DENMARK
Do you get the feeling that we're forgetting somebody?
ALFRED
(as he dodges bullets)
Cool! This is just like the G8 meeting!
KIKU
(while still attacking Alfred)
I believe it is Matthew-san. He tends to be somewhat invisible.
MATTHEW (V.O.)
Hey! I take offense to that!
Alfred pauses.
ALFRED
Did you hear something?
Everybody shakes their head.
DENMARK
No.
ALFRED
Okay then.
Everybody resumes fighting, with Yao trying to convince everybody that his crossbow will work. Denmark and Sadiq look at each other.
SADIQ
If there's a fight like this going on, and we have our weapons out, and nobody will try and stop us from joining in, why are we just standing here and doing nothing?
DENMARK
Good question. Unfortunately, it's not applicable anymore.
Denmark jumps into the middle of the fight, swinging his axe around and narrowly missing other people's heads and other body parts.
Sadiq stares for a short moment, shrugs, and jumps in as well.
MATTHEW stares at everybody with his mouth wide open. Bullets embed themselves in the wall around him, and he squeaks and ducks to avoid being chopped in half by Sadiq's scimitar.
MATTHEW
Stop! Guys, stop!
He holds KUMAJIROU tighter.
MATTHEW (CONT'D)
Stop fighting! You guys can't fight here. We need to go back to the meeting!
Everybody ignores Matthew.
MATTHEW (CONT'D)
Lili is waiting.
Vash immediately stops, and looks to Matthew with a dead-serious look in his eye.
MATTHEW (CONT'D)
Raivis and Peter are sitting on either side of her. Latvia's stuttering when he's talking and Peter's smiling.
VASH
That's it! Those two had better not do anything to her!
Vash immediately turns around and marches back into the meeting room, letting the door slam shut with a loud bang.
Everybody stares at Matthew.
ARTHUR
But Raivis always stutters and Peter always smiles
MATTHEW
(shrugging)
It worked, didn't it?
SADIQ
Yeah, for him. Not for us!
The brawl immediately continues, except for Denmark who crosses his arms and pouts.
DENMARK
Hey! Lili isn't even her real name! Why am I still 'Denmark'?
A troll's fist comes out of nowhere and punches Denmark in the gut, driving him up the wall. NORWAY enters the corridor, arms crossed.
NORWAY
Because you're an idiot.
ALFRED
(whispering to Francis)
Did you see that? How'd he fly up there?
FRANCIS
Je ne sais pas.
Alfred stares, and then shrugs.
ALFRED
Who cares? Norway! What's your weapon? Whatever it is, I bet mine's better!
Norway stares at Alfred like he is insane. His expression does not change.
NORWAY
Magic.
Alfred cracks up, and slings an arm around Arthur's neck. He pulls the other nation down with him as he laughs and rolls around.
ALFRED
That's hilarious! Norway's as cuckoo as you are, old man!
Arthur gets angry, Norway extends his right hand, and a unicorn and a troll appear.
The unicorn just narrowly misses stabbing Alfred in the stomach with its horn while the troll tries to pick up Alfred but fails because Alfred is rolling around too much.
Norway looks annoyed.
Denmark picks himself up, and gives a grin and two thumbs up to Norway.
DENMARK
Hey, Norge, looks like your trolls didn't work this time.
ALFRED
Him too! Denmark's crazy too!
DENMARK
Oi, American! You think I'm crazy? I'll show you what I did to Britannia back in the old days!
NORWAY
When you were drunk and stripping on your longboat?
DENMARK
You were with me too! You and Berwald! The both of you! I raised the two of you to be the best vikings ever and this is how you repay me?
NORWAY
You have done nothing except be a bad influence on my brother.
DENMARK
Oh yeah, Icey. Have you got him to call you his brother yet?
NORWAY
At least it's going better than you trying to get Berwald to admitting that he's your brother.
Norway and Denmark bicker, and eventually fade away into the next corridor. Everybody stares after them, and blink.
Ivan is stroking his gun, still having it pointed at Alfred. Matthew sees this.
MATTHEW
Natalya is headed down this corridor. She just left the meeting room, because you weren't there. She won't look in there again.
Ivan pales, drops his gun, and dives into the meeting room.
NATALYA (V.O.)
Brother... brother... let's get married, brother, marriedmarriedmarriedmarried...
Everybody stares in the direction where the voice came from. Around the corner, there is the glint of a knife.
Alfred screams.
NATALYA appears.
NATALYA
What have you done to my brother? Where is he? If you did anything to him, I will take this knife and I will chop your toes and fingers off and shove them down your throat and force you to swallow and-
EVERYONE
He'sinthemeetingroom!
NATALYA
He'd better be in there.
Natalya rips the doorknob out, and her evil aura appears. Everybody takes a step back, as she chants 'marriedmarriedmarried...' and goes into the room.
Everybody can hear Ivan screaming. Other random nations bolt out the door and scatter.
Alfred stares at Matthew.
ALFRED
Mattie, you're evil.
KUMAJIROU
Who?
MATTHEW
I'm Canada. Matthew.
Matthew turns to America.
MATTHEW
It got rid of him, didn't it?
ALFRED
Point.
Matthew looks at Sadiq.
MATTHEW
Herakles and Gupta will be looking for you. Herakles has a new breed of cat with extra sharp claws, he's gotten a new and very spiky cross, and Gupta's trained his jackal to sic you.
Sadiq pales as well, and saunters away, whistling nervously.
MATTHEW
(calling after Sadiq)
If you go to the meeting room, Gupta will still be trying to sell pots and Herakles will be sleeping!
Sadiq does a one-eighty and spins right into the direction of the meeting room.
He bursts out soon after, a demented cat and a jackal chasing after him.
SADIQ
You said he would be sleeping~!
Everybody peers into the room. Herakles is snoring. Gupta is nowhere to be seen.
MATTHEW
Feliciano wants the recipe for your scones. He says they're delicious.
Arthur coughs.
ARTHUR
He- he does?
ALFRED
What are you talking about? His scones are disg-
Matthew slaps a hand over Alfred's mouth.
MATTHEW
He's somewhere near the outside right now. If you hurry, maybe you can show him how to cook them properly.
ARTHUR
Er... of course! I- I'll go! Right now! Yes!
Arthur rushes off, looking happy that somebody likes (or not) his cooking.
Matthew looks at Francis, and then to Alfred. He glances back and forth between them.
Yao is still trying to convince Kiku that his crossbow will work, while Kiku is only listening out of politeness. His ninja outfit is still on.
MATTHEW
Yong Soo has Shinatty-chan.
YAO
Shinatty-chan?! Kiku, we have to get Shinatty-chan back, aru! Where is he?
MATTHEW
The top floor. He shouldn't be coming down for a while.
Yao grabs Kiku's hand and rushes off.
The remaining three watch them go.
FRANCIS
Hm.
MATTHEW
Herakles says he uncovered some pictures from the Olympics. The original ones.
FRANCIS
If you'll excuse me, mes cheris, I have some business to discuss with Herakles.
Francis bursts into the meeting room with a loud bang of the door. Herakles is still asleep.
Alfred points at Matthew.
ALFRED
You won't get rid of me that easy, Mattie! I'm a hero!
MATTHEW
Ludwig has agreed to give you Hamburg. You know, the place that's made out of burgers.
ALFRED
Really really really really? Really?
MATTHEW
Ludwig's with Feliciano. You might catch him if you're quick.
Alfred is gone before Matthew starts the second sentence. He sighs in relief and is about to stagger back into the meeting room, when the door bursts open yet again.
MALAYSIA and INDONESIA stumble out, already in the middle of an argument.
MALAYSIA
The kris is mine!
INDONESIA
No, it's mine!
MALAYSIA
Mine!
INDONESIA
The kris is mine, you Malaysian bastard!
MALAYSIA
MINE!
INDONESIA
MINE!
Another person steps out, and it's AUSTRALIA. His koala is gnawing on his ear.
AUSTRALIA
You both are idiots. Everyone knows my Metal Storm is best! One million bullets a minute!
INDONESIA AND MALAYSIA
It's just a bunch of metal!
Indonesia and Malaysia glare at each other.
INDONESIA
Batik is still mine!
MALAYSIA
Like hell it is!
AUSTRALIA
Are you talking about clothes or weapons, ya sissies?!
MALAYSIA
Who are you calling a sissy?
AUSTRALIA
You! My Metal Storm beats your kitchen knives any day.
INDONESIA
I'd like to see you try.
Indonesia and Malaysia draw a kris each, and Australia reaches into his pocket and takes out the gun. It has teeth marks and slobber all over it.
His koala munches on some hair.
VIETNAM sees the three of them and rolls her eyes. She takes out a spear.
VIETNAM
You three are such imbeciles. My spear is obviously better than your weapons.
AUSTRALIA
Wanna try and prove that, sheila?
Matthew facepalms.
MATTHEW
Here we go again.
There are Feliciano's wails of pure despair in the background, and the scent of smoke and burning scones drifts up to the third floor.
Natalya drags Ivan out of the room.
The scream of 'ANIKIIIIIIIII!' is heard through the whole building. There is the slightly less loud, 'Shinatty-chan was invented in Korea, you know?'
Matthew facepalms again.
MATTHEW (CONT'D)
Um... do you want pancakes?