Uphill and Against the Wind (2/3)
Title: Uphill and Against the Wind (2/3)
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Robbie/Mark
Genre: friendship, angst, pre-slash
Warnings: some language
Disclaimer: This didn’t happen. Written purely for entertainment purposes. I’m making no money; please don’t sue me.
Summary: Making amends.
Word count: 2700ish
Author’s note: For the purposes of this fic, let’s say Rob never meets Ayda. Also, this won’t make much sense without reading Part 1.
Mark hears a lot from Rob once he gets out of rehab. Still not many phone calls, because Rob doesn’t have the attention span for them, but there are lots of emails. Long ones with late timestamps, rambling about the band and rehab and how he wishes he could take back some of the horrible things he’s said, and shorter ones with energetic exclamation points and snippets of whatever lyrics he’s working on and random thoughts that pass through his head.
Mark doesn’t let a single of Rob’s emails go un-replied. There’s fear lurking in the back of his mind that if he lets Rob think for even a second that Mark isn’t paying him any attention that he’ll backslide. He knows it’s irrational, but he can’t help it. Even when he gets busier, on tour and with Elwood and then launching into the next album, and staying in touch with Rob gets more difficult (made even more so by Rob’s hatred of mobile phones), he still manages it. There are things he can say to Rob in an email he’d never actually be able to say to the other man’s face. Things like you scared me and please don’t turn into the Rob I hated again.
Mark isn’t entirely sure who comes up with the idea to mix the album in L.A. The studio is already booked by the time he finds out, and the flights are booked a few days after that. He holds off telling Rob because he’s not sure how to put it. Hey, mate, we’re coming to the city you chose to escape from all of us to work an album you weren’t asked to be a part of. Definitely not.
*
“What about Rob?” He asks the other three a week before they’re due to leave.
“What about him?” Jay says, already grinding his jaw in the way he always does when somebody mentions Robbie.
“I just think…we can’t really go all the way to L.A. and not…”
“Not what?” Howard frowns. “Play happy families?”
“I just think he’s been through a lot this year and maybe asking him to come by…it’s not a bad idea. He’s in a better place now. I think if we reached out, he’d be open to that.”
“Well, you are the Robbie expert.” Gary’s tone is chilly.
“C’mon, Gaz, that’s not fair. And I won’t apologise for helping a friend.”
Gary sighs. “Does he know we’re coming?”
“I haven’t said anything. Been waiting to hear what you lot thought about it.”
“I think Mark might have a point,” Jason ventures, but it looks like it pains him to say it. Mark doesn’t blame him - Jay’s been let down by Rob a lot. They all have.
Howard runs a hand over his face. “Can we think on it?”
“Yeah. But I’m telling him we’ll be over there. I leave it any later and he’s gonna feel like we’re ambushing him or something.”
“Wouldn’t want that,” Gary mutters under his breath, and Mark chooses to ignore him.
*
Mark is a wreck after he emails Rob. This feels pushy and he wishes he hadn’t even said anything to the rest of the boys. He could have easily taken a day off and gone to visit Rob on his own. They haven’t seen each other since Mark’s last visit to L.A., pre-rehab, and he’s starting to think reintroducing Take That into Rob’s life and sticking the recovering drug addict in a room with one of his biggest triggers is one of the worst ideas he’s ever had.
He chain smokes and drives Emma up the wall while he fidgets waiting for Rob’s reply. It’s ten in the morning in California, so at least Mark doesn’t have to wait long. He scrambles for his computer as soon as it pings, and Emma just shakes her head at him.
Rob’s reply is mostly noncommittal. Good for you. Think you’ll have time to pop over? I’ve missed my Markie.
Mark agonises over those three sentences much more than he probably should. No mention of the boys is telling, but Rob isn’t going to be the one to break that silence; Mark has known for years that any reconciliation is going to have to start on their end. (Although Rob has reached the making amends step of his rehab process and it should be him who extends the olive branch, Mark knows how much it scares him, facing men he’s had nothing but cruel things to say about for ten years.) It occurs to him briefly the good for you might be a sarcastic one, but tells himself he’s being silly. Rob hasn’t begrudged them their success before; it would be petty of him to start now.
His stomach twists a little reading my Markie, but he ignores it. Everything is enough of a mess as it is without bringing that into it.
*
They still haven’t decided what they’re going to do by the time they’re on the plane from JFK to LAX. Jay falls asleep on Howard’s shoulder (and How tries and fails to look annoyed by it) leaving Mark and Gaz very much awake with a heavy silence between them. He can tell Gaz is thinking from the slight frown on his face and the tense set of his mouth.
“Do you really think now is the right time?” Gaz finally asks.
“There’s never going to be a right time.”
Gary looks exasperated by this answer, even if it is the truth. “Fine. Do you think he’s actually ready, or is going to be two hours of the Robbie Williams, King of Pop bullshit?”
“Gaz, I don’t think he’s left his house since getting out of rehab. He doesn’t feel anything like the King of Pop right now.”
“Dawn reckons I should see him.”
“She’s usually right.”
“I know.” Gary shakes his head. “I just don’t want to get fooled again, Markie.”
Mark shrugs. “Sometimes you have to take a risk.”
“Easy for you to say. He doesn’t hate you.”
“No.” Mark agrees. “He doesn’t. But I don’t think he hates you either.”
“No?”
“He hates himself, Gaz. He’s just been taking it out on you.”
“Is that better or worse?”
“Both.”
“You’re getting wise in your old age.”
“Oh, shut it. I’m younger than you.”
“Not by much, mate.”
“Enough that it counts,” Mark shoots back.
Gary rolls his eyes and turns back to his book, and Mark slouches in his seat, not sure whether they’ve really made any progress or just covered more of the same old ground.
*
Gary caves after a few days, and once he does, it only takes a few minutes to talk Howard round. Mark isn’t sure if this is a blessing or a curse, but at least it’s a decision. He phones Rob, who agrees to drive over to their hotel in a few days. Mark doesn’t blame him for not wanting any of them at his house just yet. That sprawling compound is Rob’s sanctuary; Mark isn’t about to taint it by dragging the bulk of Rob’s emotional baggage in through the front door.
He wishes he had time to see Rob on his own before the big group meet up. He wants to gauge how he’s doing before dropping him in the middle of everything. But they’re all but living in the studio; it’s a miracle they managed to find time in the schedule at all for this.
He’s nothing but nerves on Friday and he can’t sit still, pacing his hotel room anxiously until it’s time to cross the hall into Howard’s room and wait for Rob. Gaz and Jay are already there with Howard, and they all look about as anxious as Mark feels. Howard looks like he might actually be sick, and Jay keeps reaching out to put a hand on his shoulder before changing his mind and pulling it back.
The front desk rings the room, asking if they should let Rob come up, and Mark tells them yes, before turning back to the rest of the boys.
“Just…remember he’s not been well.”
“Relax, Markie,” Gary says, but it’s not reassuring, since he’s clutching his mug in a death grip and looks about as tense as…well, the rest of them.
Mark rushes to open the door as soon as Rob knocks and finds himself gathered up in a hug that lifts him clear off the ground before he can protest. He can imagine the looks on the others’ faces, but he forces himself to focus on Rob, squeezing back tight before pulling away to get a proper look at him.
“You look good,” Mark smiles.
“Must be all this clean living,” Rob quips, before his eyes dart to the others, looking on. “Is this an intervention?” Rob stage whispers, and Mark snorts. Rob is nervous, compensating with humour, and it’s reassuring in its familiarity.
They sit down on the couch, Mark putting himself between Rob and Gaz, maybe sitting closer to Rob than necessary, considering the look Jay sends him (but then again, Jay isn’t exactly in a place to judge, sitting almost in Howard’s lap as he is).
For a long moment, it’s incredibly awkward, with everyone afraid of speaking first.
But then Rob says, “I’m sorry” and suddenly they’re all talking. And listening. The words come so easily, for all of them, even between Rob and Gaz, and Mark supposes the truth is just like that sometimes.
* * *
Rob had several months after rehab to deal with himself before having to deal with anybody else. He needed those months alone in his house, thinking and emailing Mark and watching hours of telly and getting a bit fat. Mark’s only been home for a couple days, and Rob feels a bit like he might be intruding when he accepts Mark’s invitation to stop over.
He definitely feels like he’s intruding when Mark lets him into the flat, with Willow and Elwood chasing each other round the sitting room. Markie is drowning in one of his giant jumpers and wrapped up in one of his fifty thousand scarves and he looks even smaller than Rob remembers.
“I can leave if it’s not a good time, Markie.” Rob says, even as he’s being ushered into the flat.
“Don’t be silly.” Mark says, waving his hand dismissively. There are dark circles under his eyes, and Rob remembers those first few weeks after getting out, when the silence at night was too loud and all he could hear were his own thoughts keeping him awake.
For a moment, they stand rather awkwardly in the entryway; after months of near-constant togetherness working on Progress, Mark’s month in rehab has been enough time to create a strange distance between them. But then Markie smiles at him, not quite the way he used to before everything fell apart, but closer than Rob has seen in a long time, and Rob reaches out to pull him into a tight hug. Mark wraps his arms around Rob’s middle and for a long time they just stand there, Mark’s face tucked against Rob’s chest.
Mark is mumbling and Rob doesn’t really need to hear the words to understand what he’s saying. He’s been exactly where Mark is before, fumbling through the days after rehab, getting used to freedom again, resisting temptation, struggling against the fear of relapsing.
“Missed you,” Rob says quietly, and Mark lifts his face to look at Rob.
“Missed you too,” Mark says, and pulls away then. “Tea?”
“Sounds brilliant.” Rob nods, and follows Mark into the kitchen.
They lean against opposite counters, waiting for the kettle to boil.
“You have the kids for the weekend, then?”
Mark shakes his head and then pushes his fringe out of his eyes. “Just the afternoon. Emma has an audition. We’re working up to weekends, apparently.” Mark’s mouth twists into a frown. Rob doesn’t know what to say, because I’m sorry sounds stupid and it isn’t as if marriages and kids are exactly his area of expertise.
Emma picks the kids up at four, and then it’s just Rob and Mark alone in the flat. They sit side-by-side on the sofa, Mark’s head resting on Rob’s shoulder and the TV on in the background. Mark doesn’t speak, and neither does Rob, but they don’t really need to.
*
Mark is lucky Rob loves him, Rob thinks, roused from a nice nap by his hated mobile loudly ringing on the table.
“Can you come over?” Mark sounds…not good, Rob decides. He levers himself off the sofa and sets off in search of shoes and a jumper.
“Yeah. Be there in a little bit.”
When he gets to Mark’s flat, he finds the door unlocked and Mark sitting at the kitchen table, staring down at something.
“What’s wrong, Markie?”
Mark hands Rob the papers he’s been staring at. For a long moment Rob doesn’t even know what he’s holding - he has lawyers that deal with all his paperwork, as he really can’t be trusted with it - but as his eyes scan the pages and he sees Emma’s loopy signature at the bottom, he understands.
“She can’t.”
“She has.” Mark shrugs. “And don’t scowl like that, it’s not as if I didn’t see this coming.”
“You have other things to worry about right now. She must know this can wait.” Rob doesn’t realise how angry he is until Mark reaches out and catches his hand, squeezing lightly.
“Calm down, Rob.”
Rob takes some deep breaths and drops into a chair next to Mark.
“It’s unfair. She’s not giving you a chance. You’ve been out all of two weeks.”
“I never gave her any reason to trust me,” Mark says, honestly. “I’ve never been faithful to her, I shouldn’t have married her in the first place.”
“But you love her.”
“Not enough. Not the right way.”
“Markie-
“Rob, I can’t be married to her. End of.”
“Right. Okay.”
Mark’s got his determined face on, like he’s trying not to show Rob how upset he actually is, and if he wants Rob not to notice, then Rob won’t notice.
“Fancy a curry for dinner?”
Mark smiles gratefully at him, and they order too much food and Rob gets Mark talking about his ideas for the tour (because of course Mark has ideas for the tour before the album is even officially done) and although some of them are totally mental (seriously, a giant robotic man?) Rob agrees enthusiastically. If Mark needs to focus on the tour to keep himself from going spare after rehab, Rob doesn’t blame him. At least it’s better than watching telly and wallowing.
And if the divorce papers go ignored and unsigned all night, well, Rob isn’t about to remind Markie.
*
The first day Mark comes back to work, they greet him with hugs and they tiptoe round him and nobody tells him that he looks like he hasn’t slept in days. Well, Rob tells him, but Mark just rolls his eyes. He doesn’t say anything about the divorce, and Rob doesn’t blame him, really. Gaz is already mother-henning him to death as it is.
“You doin’ okay?” Rob asks during one of their smoke breaks. It seems smoking is the one vice neither of them is quite ready to give up yet.
Mark takes a long drag on his cigarette and shrugs. “Not so crazy about them treating me like I’m gonna break.”
“They’re worried.”
“You’re not?”
Rob shrugs. “I’ve been where you are. I know you’re gonna be okay.”
Mark smiles shakily. “Glad somebody does.”
Rob slings his arm around Mark’s shoulders, pulling the smaller man in close. Mark wraps his arm around Rob’s waist.
“Couldn’t do this without you, you know.” Mark says, his arm squeezing a little tighter.
“I’m just paying it forward, Markie. Can’t say I don’t owe you, after all.”
“You never owed me anything.” Mark says fiercely. Rob stubs out his cigarette so he can wrap his other arm around Mark.
“Well, you don’t owe me anything either.”
“Shall we just call it even?” Mark suggests.
Rob laughs, dropping a kiss on the top of Mark’s head. “Let’s.”
There’s no sense arguing with Markie, not over something like this. They both owe each other a lot, more than either of them would care to admit, but Rob knows they’re both going to find ways to repay their debts.
Part 3