I'll learn to get by on little victories
1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
Public readings - four of them, all nervewracking and absolutely worth it, especially the one at Malaprop’s. Made friends with my favorite professors, finally. Became a dog person! Dogsat - and became one half of the best dogsitting duo Asheville has ever seen. Watched an entire television series with a lover (which sounds silly, but I’ve always wanted to do that, and never had the chance, ‘til this year, when Marshall and I watched three). Learned to play guitar - or started learning, at any rate. Poppers, thanks to Brian Kinney’s bad influence. Introduced my grandmother to a girlfriend! Met Rue McClanahan, of Golden Girls fame. Took a tour of David Hopes’s garden. Wrote my creative thesis and actually felt pretty proud, all things considered. Finally read Mrs. Dalloway and Madame Bovary, and, like, fifty other things I felt like an idiot for never having read before. Underwent a femme renaissance, complete with perfume, Lip Venom, and lots of dangly earrings. Rocked comps. Attended a Gay Day - and rode a real rollercoaster for the first time, actually, at Cedar Point, and LOVED it. And was propositioned by a dyke working at a gas station in Sandusky, which is a first. Also, brilliantly thwarted a pick-up attempt made by an aging lesbian in a McDonald’s parking lot. Decided between bloodplay and watersports, once and for all. Repaired things with my estranged grandparents. Went for counseling at OurVoice, which was terrifying. Lived with a lover, if only for a month or so at a time. Regained a whole lot of faith in myself.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
You know, my resolutions are always the same: “Tell the truth, love at each opportunity, and try not to fuck up too badly.” And for once, I think I did well by myself. I wanted to be braver, too, which I’ve made a decent start on. I suppose it’s time for some new resolutions, so here goes: I’m not going to treat myself in ways I’d never stand for someone else to treat me - at least, that’s the idea. I’ll be a better friend, too, and perhaps less of a recluse. I’ll learn EMDR and EFT and start cleaning myself up again. And hopefully - hopefully! - I’ll start anew in another city, and start grad school.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No one too close, but Adrienne just had a baby boy named Spencer, and we were really close for a while, there.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
As for people, no one too close, thank goodness - my Grandma Betty and Papa Harry had close calls, but are better now. My great-uncle Joe died, and I miss the way he used to dance with his wife at family gatherings, even though it kind of embarrassed us kids for a while, there. The worst was when my parents put Spunky down. He was eighteen, so it wasn’t a total surprise, but that cat was the one who knew all my secrets, who saw me through everything from age four on, and I always sort of thought that, since he’d lived so long, he just might be immortal. I couldn’t be here when he died, and I don’t think I’ll ever wholly forgive myself for that.
5. What countries did you visit?
None. God, that’s sad.
6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
A lasting sense of security. That’s gonna take some real work, but I’m up for it.
7. What date from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
October 6th, because my misguided therapist insisted upon calling it my “trauma anniversary.” I wrote a letter to myself to remind me of all the good that had come out of the year, and then I went with Marshall and her dad and Denise to shop for shoes and stomp grapes at the Winery. October 19th, another anniversary, this one a whole lot happier - we made a weekend of it, buying flowers and drinking red wine and making love to the Boys on the Side soundtrack, which is one of my favorite things ever. I don’t remember many dates, really, but I remember the days attached to them so well, and don’t think I’ll forget much of it, in the end.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I can think of lots of abstract accomplishments, but I’ll keep it concrete: pulling together a thesis I’m actually pretty proud of. And let’s not forget having sex in my professor’s car. And the library. And my favorite Karpen classroom. . .
9. What was your biggest failure?
Letting myself get to a point where I was nearly hospitalized, which meant my parents had to find out how bad things really were.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Aside from the hospitalization business (and the five therapists I’ve been through this calendar year), there’s been a string of inexplicable fainting spells that I’m trying to work out now. Nothing too serious, though, which is lucky.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Oh, God. Um. All the books I bought this year, including the ones for classes.
12. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Going back to the Asheboro Zoo. Watching the Harry Potter movies with Marshall, all curled-up in Lori’s bed with Belly at our feet. Being 21. SEEING HANSON IN CONCERT, FINALLY. Dogsitting, and all the domesticity that went along with it. Our brand-new lit professor, who unwittingly inspired my femme awakening. New shoes and fragrances and earrings and, oh god, the Body Shop. Shit. Meeting my little brother’s girlfriend, who’s managed to live up to all my high standards. Visits from family - mine and Marshall’s both. Going back to the Apple Festival in Hendersonville. Talking to Chris Pureka again, and having her remember me. Reuniting with Young Steven, my favorite fag in this whole world, for Gay Day at Cedar Point, and connecting as if we’d never been apart. Any mention of dinosaurs, as always. Harry Potter things, especially the fifth movie! Slash, slash, slash. Nights out at LaRue’s, with the best company I could ever hope to keep. Nights up late, drinking with my brother and doing the Cha-Cha Slide in our living room. Cookies and cocoa with Ashley. Long walks with Belly and Boudreaux, and a long, lazy summer that made me wish I could stop time.
13. What songs will always remind you of 2007?
Get ready for the most embarrassing list ever. McFly’s “All About You,” which we sang a capella whilst dancing on the kitchen tiles, just like the song says. Luther Vandross’s “Mistletoe Jam” and the Dolly Parton/Rod Stewart version of “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” remind me of the early, unforgettable Christmas I had in Lori’s Loveshack. Tila Tequila’s “Fuck Ya Man,” which my brother and I just performed within earshot of my grandmother. “Come Undone” by Duran Duran. Regrettably, “Gloomy Sunday” lives up to all the urban legends it’s inspired, and still, I can’t stop listening to it on certain lonely afternoons. Justin Timberlake’s “FutureSex/LoveSounds” was a key soundtrack this year, along with the greatest hits of James Taylor and Jim Croce. Matthew Luke Sandoval’s YouTube cover of “You’re Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go” makes my throat catch every time. “Georgy Girl” by the Seekers. Heather Small’s “Proud,” the most empowering song this world has ever seen - except, perhaps, for Gloria Gaynor’s “I Am What I Am!” And, of course, Hanson’s “The Walk” is one of the best albums ever released.
14. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Singing karaoke, feeling safe, taking pictures.
15. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Being so damn touch-and-go all the time.
16. How did you spend Christmas?
Woke up early to practice guitar with my grandma as my first non-Marshall audience, played ‘til my fingertips were raw, then took a shower and practiced some more. Had lunch with the family, then opened presents, surprised my father by singing and playing guitar (he didn’t know I was learning). Kamal came over, and all of us had dinner, then went to see Charlie Wilson’s War, where I got to meet Kamal’s girlfriend. Caught up with my favorite cousin and Jana, and spoke with Marshall’s Uncle Barry, who told me a really adorable story about when she was a little girl.
17. Did you fall in love in 2007?
Every fucking day, and that’s the goddamn truth.
18. How many one-night stands?
Nil.
19. What was your favorite TV program?
Queer As Folk should count, since I watched it all over again this year, but since that’s probably cheating, let's make it Weeds. I can't work out whether I'd rather be Nancy Botwin or sleep with her - the face that either sounds like a good idea seems slightly ominous, but damn.
20. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Just Jason, I think.
21. What was the best book you read?
Now is the Hour by Tom Spanbauer certainly moved me most, and his The Man Who Fell in Love With the Moon pushed him right to my top three favorite living writers. Andre Aciman’s Call Me By Your Name, Chang-rae Lee’s A Gesture Life, and Michael Chabon’s The Yiddish Policemen’s Union are all close contenders. Actually, I can think of at least another dozen books that should make this list. It was a good year in books for me, to be sure.
22. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Tila Tequila.
23. What did you want and get?
So, so much. But I feel like I’ve exhausted most of these answers elsewhere, so I’ll spare you all this much.
24. What did you want and not get?
To be better than I am. But I mean, it’s slow going. I get that.
25. What was your favorite film of this year?
The History Boys, without question.
26. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Kicked it off by drinking delicious champagne with Marshall, Lori, and Brenna; recounting how-we-met stories. Met up with Erin and Joe and officially turned 21 in someone’s car on the way to Scandals, where I got drunk on Vodka Collinses and danced my ass off to some hot beats. Some stranger drove us home, in exchange for a little company, so we hung out ‘til way-late at Erin’s - but I still managed to drag my ass to my ten a.m. Humanities 414 class! I received an e-mail from Dr. Hobby with the subject line “Perfect,” which read: “Relish today. You are perfect. I worship and praise your greatness on this most sacred of days.” Marshall gave me all kinds of sweet presents and affection, and we had a little love-in before she blindfolded me and took me to meet Jana and Emily for dinner. Afterwards, we definitely went over to Jana’s and proceeded to sift through books on artistic cats while Emily fell asleep. It was so much better than I am making it sound, which means a lot, since I’d generally rather avoid the whole birthday game. This one went perfectly; I just hope next year’s can measure up.
27. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More Friends of Dorothy.
28. What kept you sane?
Well, Marshall, definitely. Phone calls with my mother, dishing with Jana, and Monday night phone dates with Young Steven. The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook. My cat, even if I hardly ever get to see the little guy. Visualizations involving whales.
29. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Last year, I answered, “Barack Obama and Bea Arthur,” proving how little changes, sometimes. Mary-Louise Parker just might top this year’s list, though.
30. Who did you miss?
Steven, DJ, Danny, and the other Friends of Dorothy. Brenna, actually, and Boudreaux, the best little dog I’ve ever known. Neal, who belongs in a category of his own, somehow. My Papa Harry, who’s so far gone after his latest stroke that it’s hard to remember how lively and aware he used to be. My family, when I was away; my friends, when I was back in Erie. Not nearly as many people as usual, though, which might be sad, except that I had a lot of letting go to do, and I’m better off, this way.
31. How will you be spending New Year’s Eve?
I’ll be joining my girl at her mom’s house in Marion, where we’ll skip out on traditional festivities so that she can recover from her wisdom teeth extraction, which she’s having done that day. If I’m lucky, I’ll get a kiss at midnight which she’ll probably be too drugged-up to even feel. Needless to say, I can’t wait. This coming year is going to be fantastic, I can feel it.
32. Who was the best new person you met?
Ooh, tough one. I might have to say Valerie, if only because she makes my baby brother so obviously happy, and I’ve never seen him lit-up like this before, in all his nineteen years. Oh! And Erin and Joe. And Stephen, Marshall’s boy from back home, who immediately treated me like a lifelong friend. And, if we are counting professors - well, I’m not. Heaven knows I’ve rambled on enough, by now.
33. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007.
"To walk away, you've got to leave something behind." Not the lesson I wanted to learn, but that's not up to us, exactly, is it?
34. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
“This time, I'll be sailing;
no more bailing boats for me.
I'll be out there on the sea,
just my confidence and me.
And I'll be awful sometimes,
weakened to my knees,
but I'll learn to get by
on little victories.”
-“Little Victories”, Matt Nathanson
1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
Public readings - four of them, all nervewracking and absolutely worth it, especially the one at Malaprop’s. Made friends with my favorite professors, finally. Became a dog person! Dogsat - and became one half of the best dogsitting duo Asheville has ever seen. Watched an entire television series with a lover (which sounds silly, but I’ve always wanted to do that, and never had the chance, ‘til this year, when Marshall and I watched three). Learned to play guitar - or started learning, at any rate. Poppers, thanks to Brian Kinney’s bad influence. Introduced my grandmother to a girlfriend! Met Rue McClanahan, of Golden Girls fame. Took a tour of David Hopes’s garden. Wrote my creative thesis and actually felt pretty proud, all things considered. Finally read Mrs. Dalloway and Madame Bovary, and, like, fifty other things I felt like an idiot for never having read before. Underwent a femme renaissance, complete with perfume, Lip Venom, and lots of dangly earrings. Rocked comps. Attended a Gay Day - and rode a real rollercoaster for the first time, actually, at Cedar Point, and LOVED it. And was propositioned by a dyke working at a gas station in Sandusky, which is a first. Also, brilliantly thwarted a pick-up attempt made by an aging lesbian in a McDonald’s parking lot. Decided between bloodplay and watersports, once and for all. Repaired things with my estranged grandparents. Went for counseling at OurVoice, which was terrifying. Lived with a lover, if only for a month or so at a time. Regained a whole lot of faith in myself.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
You know, my resolutions are always the same: “Tell the truth, love at each opportunity, and try not to fuck up too badly.” And for once, I think I did well by myself. I wanted to be braver, too, which I’ve made a decent start on. I suppose it’s time for some new resolutions, so here goes: I’m not going to treat myself in ways I’d never stand for someone else to treat me - at least, that’s the idea. I’ll be a better friend, too, and perhaps less of a recluse. I’ll learn EMDR and EFT and start cleaning myself up again. And hopefully - hopefully! - I’ll start anew in another city, and start grad school.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No one too close, but Adrienne just had a baby boy named Spencer, and we were really close for a while, there.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
As for people, no one too close, thank goodness - my Grandma Betty and Papa Harry had close calls, but are better now. My great-uncle Joe died, and I miss the way he used to dance with his wife at family gatherings, even though it kind of embarrassed us kids for a while, there. The worst was when my parents put Spunky down. He was eighteen, so it wasn’t a total surprise, but that cat was the one who knew all my secrets, who saw me through everything from age four on, and I always sort of thought that, since he’d lived so long, he just might be immortal. I couldn’t be here when he died, and I don’t think I’ll ever wholly forgive myself for that.
5. What countries did you visit?
None. God, that’s sad.
6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
A lasting sense of security. That’s gonna take some real work, but I’m up for it.
7. What date from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
October 6th, because my misguided therapist insisted upon calling it my “trauma anniversary.” I wrote a letter to myself to remind me of all the good that had come out of the year, and then I went with Marshall and her dad and Denise to shop for shoes and stomp grapes at the Winery. October 19th, another anniversary, this one a whole lot happier - we made a weekend of it, buying flowers and drinking red wine and making love to the Boys on the Side soundtrack, which is one of my favorite things ever. I don’t remember many dates, really, but I remember the days attached to them so well, and don’t think I’ll forget much of it, in the end.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I can think of lots of abstract accomplishments, but I’ll keep it concrete: pulling together a thesis I’m actually pretty proud of. And let’s not forget having sex in my professor’s car. And the library. And my favorite Karpen classroom. . .
9. What was your biggest failure?
Letting myself get to a point where I was nearly hospitalized, which meant my parents had to find out how bad things really were.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Aside from the hospitalization business (and the five therapists I’ve been through this calendar year), there’s been a string of inexplicable fainting spells that I’m trying to work out now. Nothing too serious, though, which is lucky.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Oh, God. Um. All the books I bought this year, including the ones for classes.
12. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Going back to the Asheboro Zoo. Watching the Harry Potter movies with Marshall, all curled-up in Lori’s bed with Belly at our feet. Being 21. SEEING HANSON IN CONCERT, FINALLY. Dogsitting, and all the domesticity that went along with it. Our brand-new lit professor, who unwittingly inspired my femme awakening. New shoes and fragrances and earrings and, oh god, the Body Shop. Shit. Meeting my little brother’s girlfriend, who’s managed to live up to all my high standards. Visits from family - mine and Marshall’s both. Going back to the Apple Festival in Hendersonville. Talking to Chris Pureka again, and having her remember me. Reuniting with Young Steven, my favorite fag in this whole world, for Gay Day at Cedar Point, and connecting as if we’d never been apart. Any mention of dinosaurs, as always. Harry Potter things, especially the fifth movie! Slash, slash, slash. Nights out at LaRue’s, with the best company I could ever hope to keep. Nights up late, drinking with my brother and doing the Cha-Cha Slide in our living room. Cookies and cocoa with Ashley. Long walks with Belly and Boudreaux, and a long, lazy summer that made me wish I could stop time.
13. What songs will always remind you of 2007?
Get ready for the most embarrassing list ever. McFly’s “All About You,” which we sang a capella whilst dancing on the kitchen tiles, just like the song says. Luther Vandross’s “Mistletoe Jam” and the Dolly Parton/Rod Stewart version of “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” remind me of the early, unforgettable Christmas I had in Lori’s Loveshack. Tila Tequila’s “Fuck Ya Man,” which my brother and I just performed within earshot of my grandmother. “Come Undone” by Duran Duran. Regrettably, “Gloomy Sunday” lives up to all the urban legends it’s inspired, and still, I can’t stop listening to it on certain lonely afternoons. Justin Timberlake’s “FutureSex/LoveSounds” was a key soundtrack this year, along with the greatest hits of James Taylor and Jim Croce. Matthew Luke Sandoval’s YouTube cover of “You’re Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go” makes my throat catch every time. “Georgy Girl” by the Seekers. Heather Small’s “Proud,” the most empowering song this world has ever seen - except, perhaps, for Gloria Gaynor’s “I Am What I Am!” And, of course, Hanson’s “The Walk” is one of the best albums ever released.
14. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Singing karaoke, feeling safe, taking pictures.
15. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Being so damn touch-and-go all the time.
16. How did you spend Christmas?
Woke up early to practice guitar with my grandma as my first non-Marshall audience, played ‘til my fingertips were raw, then took a shower and practiced some more. Had lunch with the family, then opened presents, surprised my father by singing and playing guitar (he didn’t know I was learning). Kamal came over, and all of us had dinner, then went to see Charlie Wilson’s War, where I got to meet Kamal’s girlfriend. Caught up with my favorite cousin and Jana, and spoke with Marshall’s Uncle Barry, who told me a really adorable story about when she was a little girl.
17. Did you fall in love in 2007?
Every fucking day, and that’s the goddamn truth.
18. How many one-night stands?
Nil.
19. What was your favorite TV program?
Queer As Folk should count, since I watched it all over again this year, but since that’s probably cheating, let's make it Weeds. I can't work out whether I'd rather be Nancy Botwin or sleep with her - the face that either sounds like a good idea seems slightly ominous, but damn.
20. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Just Jason, I think.
21. What was the best book you read?
Now is the Hour by Tom Spanbauer certainly moved me most, and his The Man Who Fell in Love With the Moon pushed him right to my top three favorite living writers. Andre Aciman’s Call Me By Your Name, Chang-rae Lee’s A Gesture Life, and Michael Chabon’s The Yiddish Policemen’s Union are all close contenders. Actually, I can think of at least another dozen books that should make this list. It was a good year in books for me, to be sure.
22. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Tila Tequila.
23. What did you want and get?
So, so much. But I feel like I’ve exhausted most of these answers elsewhere, so I’ll spare you all this much.
24. What did you want and not get?
To be better than I am. But I mean, it’s slow going. I get that.
25. What was your favorite film of this year?
The History Boys, without question.
26. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Kicked it off by drinking delicious champagne with Marshall, Lori, and Brenna; recounting how-we-met stories. Met up with Erin and Joe and officially turned 21 in someone’s car on the way to Scandals, where I got drunk on Vodka Collinses and danced my ass off to some hot beats. Some stranger drove us home, in exchange for a little company, so we hung out ‘til way-late at Erin’s - but I still managed to drag my ass to my ten a.m. Humanities 414 class! I received an e-mail from Dr. Hobby with the subject line “Perfect,” which read: “Relish today. You are perfect. I worship and praise your greatness on this most sacred of days.” Marshall gave me all kinds of sweet presents and affection, and we had a little love-in before she blindfolded me and took me to meet Jana and Emily for dinner. Afterwards, we definitely went over to Jana’s and proceeded to sift through books on artistic cats while Emily fell asleep. It was so much better than I am making it sound, which means a lot, since I’d generally rather avoid the whole birthday game. This one went perfectly; I just hope next year’s can measure up.
27. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More Friends of Dorothy.
28. What kept you sane?
Well, Marshall, definitely. Phone calls with my mother, dishing with Jana, and Monday night phone dates with Young Steven. The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook. My cat, even if I hardly ever get to see the little guy. Visualizations involving whales.
29. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Last year, I answered, “Barack Obama and Bea Arthur,” proving how little changes, sometimes. Mary-Louise Parker just might top this year’s list, though.
30. Who did you miss?
Steven, DJ, Danny, and the other Friends of Dorothy. Brenna, actually, and Boudreaux, the best little dog I’ve ever known. Neal, who belongs in a category of his own, somehow. My Papa Harry, who’s so far gone after his latest stroke that it’s hard to remember how lively and aware he used to be. My family, when I was away; my friends, when I was back in Erie. Not nearly as many people as usual, though, which might be sad, except that I had a lot of letting go to do, and I’m better off, this way.
31. How will you be spending New Year’s Eve?
I’ll be joining my girl at her mom’s house in Marion, where we’ll skip out on traditional festivities so that she can recover from her wisdom teeth extraction, which she’s having done that day. If I’m lucky, I’ll get a kiss at midnight which she’ll probably be too drugged-up to even feel. Needless to say, I can’t wait. This coming year is going to be fantastic, I can feel it.
32. Who was the best new person you met?
Ooh, tough one. I might have to say Valerie, if only because she makes my baby brother so obviously happy, and I’ve never seen him lit-up like this before, in all his nineteen years. Oh! And Erin and Joe. And Stephen, Marshall’s boy from back home, who immediately treated me like a lifelong friend. And, if we are counting professors - well, I’m not. Heaven knows I’ve rambled on enough, by now.
33. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007.
"To walk away, you've got to leave something behind." Not the lesson I wanted to learn, but that's not up to us, exactly, is it?
34. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
“This time, I'll be sailing;
no more bailing boats for me.
I'll be out there on the sea,
just my confidence and me.
And I'll be awful sometimes,
weakened to my knees,
but I'll learn to get by
on little victories.”
-“Little Victories”, Matt Nathanson