(no subject)
When the world around me settles to sleep, I stay awake and stare at the wall. The motivation, the need to do anything at all leaves, and behind it stays an empty husk of nothingness. It's in this time that fear, hate, anger, sadness, loneliness and even happiness cannot reach me. I sit silently and feel the tension fade from my body. As it slips away into the night a pleasing numbness climbs inside of me.
I feel light, unstopable. Yet I still don't feel the need to do anything. A smile spreads across my face and I lay back into the pillows. It feels euphoric - like when you go to the dentist's and they have to gas you. It's soothing. I live for these moments of utter silence, when the inside of my head is blank. There is nothing I think of, nothing I do. I simply lay and stare at the wall, and let my body purge itself of everything that's been happening.
At some point, the thoughts begin to creep back in. It's usually when my mind begins shutting down into sleep mode. I'll be half awake, half asleep, and the pleasing numbness will make my limbs throb with a feeling I can't describe. The thoughts I have then are vivid, brightly colored. They're happy and sad and horrifying and amazing and eventually...eventually, I realize that they're not thoughts. They're memories. I see them as if I'm looking through someone else's eyes.
Last night as I drifted in and out of sleep, the memories that came to me made my heart break. I could hear it shattering all around me, like one of our crystal wine glasses being dropped in the kitchen. It was loud, piercing, and the familiarity of it made me cry. I rolled over onto my side and stared at the door. I couldn't fall fully asleep until I got up and went to the living room. I looked at Kayla for a long moment, then retreated to my bed and locked the door.
The memory I had was of a very dear, very old friend of mine... We had been the best of friends...Every waking moment was literally spent together. On the phone, on msn, at her house. And then he walked into her life - back into mine, I'd known him for some time - and I have her an ultimatum. I had dated him - no, it wasn't jealousy that fueled this fight - and I knew what he was like. "Me or him" I asked. As we stared at each other, I knew I'd made the wrong choice. We went our seperate ways, and it hurts to this day, knowing what I made her do.
Giving her that choice wasn't fair. It wasn't fair, and it wasn't nice, and I knew what she was like, what she would do. She picked what she thought I wouldn't want her to pick. And she was right. She hit the nail head on. And then the things after - things I won't talk about, not here, probably not to anyone other than those who already know - only made it worse. I have a sharp tongue, I'm quick to judge, and I hurt her and everyone involved.
I can see the same patterns in Kayla. She was supposed to meet her mom today, and when she called just now to ask if I'd seen her keys, I could hear Justin in the background. She started talking low, and I knew she wanted him to be quiet. I don't think she went to meet her mom today, not at all. That is her decision but her mom is...sick...and she needs the help.
She brushes me off sometimes too. I've grown used to it, but it's becoming more frequent. We don't talk to each other everyday anymore. Not on the phone, msn, or even facebook. There are no conversations. We don't exist in eachother's worlds until the end of the week, where we meet up for a night or two and she goes to bed early, leaves me early. Our relationship is holding strong, but I fear that it's not going to forever.
I gave her the same ultimatum a while ago and instead of choosing she said "I want you both." After which, I tried to like him. I made an honest effort to get along with him. We were fine, until he got a few drinks into him. He doesn't remember what happens, but I do. I remember every night when I'm half asleep, and everything that's ever been important to me flutters in and out of my brain.
I don't want to lose Kayla, I don't want to make her choose. I want her to be happy. And for now, she is happy. But so was the friend that I had long ago. She was happy, happy, happy. Until one day she looked up and realized she had no one left. Of course, everyone was still there for her, but relationships were strange. She (I'm going to use the word let, it's the only one I can think of) let a boy change her, and it wasn't for the better. Everyone noticed. Everyone knew.
Will I be able to handle that happening to Kayla? I will stand by her no matter what she does, where she decides to go, who she decides to stay with. I'll forever be her friend, and if I lose her for a time I don't care so long as she's honestly happy. But can someone like him make her happy? He's unreliable, he's a liar, he ignores her and blindly follows only his friends. Is he the right kind of person for her? These things all keep me awake at night, and I'm going to have to live with that.
I just really, really hope that in the end, she'll make the right decision. Because I can't fight this anymore. It goes in one ear, out the other. I can't try to protect her, and I can't make her decisions for her, even though she constantly turns to me to give her the final "do this."
I can't be that person anymore. I don't know what she's going to do without having someone to constantly tell her what needs to be done. I suppose that only time will tell where she's going to go. but we all know that I can't stand waiting. Especially for things like this. In the end though, I only wish her the best of luck and all the happiness she can possibly have.