"Language Barriers Do Not Apply" Chapter Eleven
Title: Language Barriers Do Not Apply
Chapter: 11/12
Fandom: Arashi
Character, Pairing(s): Matsumoto Jun/Zac Efron, Matsumoto Jun/Sakurai Sho
Rating: T
Warnings: Language
Summary: What had been a one-time thing has turned into ... not a one-time thing. And they aren't the only ones involved.
There was a thud, and then a muffled screech of pain, and Zac popped his head up over the boxes he was crouched behind to see what was going on.
"Are you okay?" he called, when he didn't hear anything else.
"Yes," came Ashley's warbled, half-laughing cry. "The boxes in the family room with your DVDs just tried to kill me, but I managed to escape in time."
"Beat them back, Ash!" Vanessa giggled, from across the bedroom. She was only half visible behind the mattress propped up against the wall, and the boxes littering the middle of the floor. She sat back to look at Zac, and gave him a winning smile. He felt only a little guilty when it was difficult to return it.
"I think this is everything," he said, shutting the box flaps and grabbing the tape dispenser to cover the slit. Vanessa stood up, wiping her hands on her capris.
"What's next?" she asked.
"The desk," he pointed. "But it's going to take two people to lift."
"Remind me why Corbin said he couldn't help with this?" Vanessa said, leaning over across the desk's glass surface. She put her hands on the bottom side, near the legs, and pulled upwards, obviously straining. When the desk didn't even move, she let go, falling back with a breathless little giggle. "Okay, that's going to have to be you and Ashley."
"What's me?" Ashley asked, poking her head in the doorframe.
"The desk," Vanessa said, pointing. "We need your muscles!"
Ashley laughed, flexing her arms a few times, and moved over to the side of the desk Vanessa had just vacated. She tucked a few stray hairs behind her ears.
"Pilates!" she said, making a determined face. "My trainer will be so proud of me, all that sweat is really paying off."
She looked at Zac expectantly, and he just laughed and shook his head, setting the tape down on one of the larger box piles. It was hot, especially since he'd already had the air turned off- his shirt was already drenched in sweat, and it was only barely into the afternoon; the head didn't look like it would be abating anytime soon. Not for the first time, he questioned his decision to move in the middle of August.
"On three," he said, taking a hold of the opposite side of the piece. "One, two-"
They lifted in tandem, but Zac's grip was slicked by the sweat on his palms, and he lost one of the legs almost immediately. The desk wobbled precariously in the air, and Ashley let out a little warning shriek before the drawers beneath the keyboard shelf slid out onto the ground, creating a mass of fluttering papers and dust particles. They both dropped the desk back down, and Zac waved his hand in front of his face in a vain attempt to clear the offending mites from the air.
"Crap," Ashley wheezed.
"What a mess!" Vanessa said, choking still. "You didn't clear out the drawers first?"
Looking back, maybe that idea should have come to him sooner in the packing process.
"I forgot," he said, sheepishly. "But that's fine, we can just pile all that stuff into one of the empty boxes, and I go through it later, at the new place."
He bent down to start scooping up the contents, and paused- glossy pictures stared back up at him, and Tokyo Bay sparkled in the sunlight over his shoulder. It felt like someone had kicked him in the stomach, and his fingers were trembling too badly to pick it up. All the pictures, the free pad of paper from the hotel, some of the printed emails- they'd all been shoved in the lowest drawer, out of sight, out of mind.
He couldn't move, staring down at the pile of his past he'd tried so hard to forget.
There was a long pause, and then Ashley laughed a little.
"Obviously his muscles are too weak from lack of food," she said. "Vanessa, do you want to go and get sandwiches? That place down the street is good, and really fast."
"Sure," Vanessa said, looking pleased to get out of a little bit of packing and hauling. She rummaged in her pocket and pulled out a piece of paper. "Orders?"
"Vegetarian," Ashley said. "I think it's number five."
"Zac?"
He couldn't answer, because he still couldn't figure out how to get his heart out of his throat.
"Get him something with meat," Ashley laughed. "He needs to be manly today!"
Vanessa laughed, pocketed the list, and left with a little wave and a "be back later!". As the front door shut behind her, Zac reached forward to pick up one of the papers, the folded emails he'd printed during the long absence they'd had. It was dated for sometime in August of last year; had it really been a year ago, just a year ago, when he'd been that happy? When everything had been okay?
Ashley knelt by his side.
"Do you need help?" she asked, quietly, even though they were alone in the apartment.
"I- no," he breathed. His stomach was in knots, but at least it was manageable now. It had taken a long time for him to get to that point. He gathered up a few of the pictures, stacking them nicely into piles. "I guess I should get rid of everything."
Ashley looked a bit sad.
"Do you really want to?" she asked.
He laughed, and the action was decidedly joyless.
"No," he admitted. "But- maybe I should."
She watched him pick up the scattered pieces of Jun and Japan from the floor without saying anything else. He'd almost finished until he came across an unmarked, unsealed envelope, plain white, devoid of any labels. His arm was shaking when he picked it up and opened the flap, pulling out the letter inside.
"What is it?" she inquired.
"It's- I wrote him a letter, shortly after- well, everything," Zac explained. "I could never bear to send it, so I just never did."
Ashley reached for the pictures and emails, and he handed them over, focused on the page in front of him. He'd been so distraught when he wrote it, hating himself, hating everything; there were smudges on the paper from where his pen had been dying and he'd been too impatient to scribble with it to get the ink reflowing. And without really realizing it, he started reading outloud.
I'm sorry that everything had to end this way. I never meant to hurt you, or anyone else, and I hope you know that. I don't know if I'll ever be able to explain what you meant to me, or how you made me feel; maybe that's the part about it that will always stay with me.
I wish that things could have been different. I wish that all this mess could have been avoided, but I know that it's no one's fault. And even now, when everything's fallen apart, I'm still glad that I met you. You did so much for me, and I'm grateful for every minute we had together, even if it eventually caused us both pain.
I think I might I have loved you. I think maybe I always will.
They sat in quiet for a long time after he'd finished.
"It's in Japanese," Ashley said, glancing at the paper over his shoulder. "You- you wrote all that in Japanese?"
'Yeah," Zac breathed. He folded the letter back up, suddenly not wanting to look at it anymore.
"He never called you back?"
Zac tucked the letter back into the envelope.
"I didn't expect him to," he admitted. Ashley reached over to put a hand on his arm.
"Zac," she started.
"I- just don't," he interrupted, because he wasn't sure he wanted to hear what she had to say. It might twist the knife in his abdomen all the more, and he wasn't sure that he could take that. He wanted to tear the letter and the envelope up, but something stayed his hand, and he wasn't sure what it was. "Maybe- I'll send it."
She smiled, and it was a bit sad.
"I think maybe that's good," she said, with a little shrug.
"Yeah?" he asked, and she nodded. His fingers played with the paper a bit. "Yeah. I think it might be."
"Do it now," she suggested, "before Vanessa gets back with the sandwiches."
He grinned at her, and he didn't have to fake it.
"Yeah," he said again. "I think I will."
------
He hadn’t been this drunk in a long time. This did not bode well for the morning. If there was one thing Jun hated, it was being hungover for work. But he felt good, almost like he was floating.
It was hard not to laugh as he and Sho stumbled into his elevator, barely able to hold one another up. “The whooooole tray. He knocked over the whoooole tray!” Sho was reminding him as he fumbled for the button to his floor. Leader always drank them under the table, but this time, he and Sho had kept up with him. Which was probably why Sho was being so god awful loud and why Jun found everything hilarious.
“That bar manager’s never going to let him in again,” Jun said as the elevator doors opened, and they wobbled into the hall.
It had been a strange few months since that day at the ramen shop. Nino had apparently told Sho things that were not his to tell, and yet, Sho hadn’t widened the gap between them. In fact, it seemed to Jun like Sho was getting closer. They went out for dinner or for drinks far more often. And when Jun had one of his movie nights, Sho always accepted the invitation.
Spending more time with Sho had gotten him through this year. He was certain of it. If it hadn’t been for Sho’s mothering and constant presence, he’d be in a far darker place. And try as he did not to, he’d fallen hard. But would Sho ever be more than a friend? It was probably obvious to everyone how Jun felt.
Well, to everyone except Sho. “Oblivious” was the term Nino had used, aside from “blind idiot” and “so far in the closet he’s in Narnia.”
“That couch is calling me!” Sho announced noisily to the hallway. Jun knew that the other man’s parents would definitely appreciate their rowdy, intoxicated son staying somewhere else for the night.
“Quiet,” Jun mumbled, sloppily pressing a finger to Sho’s lips while he fumbled for his keys. “You’re going to get me evicted.”
He got the door open, and they stumbled in. Sho had a hard time getting his shoes untied, and Jun crouched down, but even his balance was affected and he ended up on his ass. “Okay, laces!” Sho gave him a hard time, rocking back and forth while he tried to untie his shoes. “Stop moving!”
“He knocked over the whole tray, Matsujun!”
“I know that. I was there,” Jun reminded him, giving him a smack on the leg before turning his attention back to his shoes. Sho sighed, resting his hand on top of Jun’s head in hopes of staying upright. If someone else saw them right then from an odd angle, it might look like something else entirely, and Jun collapsed into laughs.
“Hey! Come on, help me!”
Jun waved Sho off, crawling to the wall and raising himself up. “No, no. Untie them yourself. It looks like I’m…” He covered his mouth to keep another hysterical laugh from coming out.
“Looks like what?” Sho asked, his voice still screechy and loud. He sat down on the floor heavily and just tugged the shoes off. “What did it look like?”
Jun dug around in his fridge for some water. He clumsily grabbed two bottles and slammed them down on the counter. “We are such idiots when we drink.”
Sho had finally made it to the kitchen, and he nearly collided with him. “Water! I need water. Did you know that the human body is like…almost three-quarters water?”
“That’s a lot,” he admitted, twisting off the top and dropping it on the floor. “We need to rehydrate.”
“I know, right? Seriously, Matsujun,” Sho said, squeezing his arm. “Three-fourths of you, it’s water! Like under here? Water!”
Sho was probably going to pass out, and Jun wrapped his arm around his waist and began pulling him to the living room, leaving his water bottle on the counter. “Come on, you should rest.”
“Mail!” Sho cried, diving for the coffee table where Jun had tossed his bills hurriedly before heading out earlier that night. “Mail!”
Jun sat down on the couch with a sigh, yanking Sho back to sit beside him. Water from Sho’s bottle went flying out, hitting Jun’s pants and Sho’s t-shirt. “Don’t touch my electric bill, Sakurai. You’re going to spill…” Jun took the bottle away, setting it on an end table.
Sho leaned forward again, spreading the envelopes around and turning them over. “It’s like Nino’s magic tricks. Which one was the electric bill, which one was…”
Jun was unable to control his laughter. It was hard to believe the man at his side was the same person who wore a suit and broadcasted news segments every week. He tried wrenching the envelopes away. “You’re so drunk.”
“You’re the one who’s drunk!” Sho parroted back, holding one envelope up. “I bet your electric bill is through the roof from all the time you spend in your bathroom getting pretty!”
Jun lunged for the envelope. “Stop being an idiot! You’ll rip it!” Sho fell back against the couch cushions, flailing his arms over the edge in hopes of keeping the envelope to himself. Jun dove for it, falling across Sho until he was completely on top of him. “Give it back!”
And as soon as the words left Jun’s mouth, he realized where he was, and no amount of being drunk could really take it back. Sho’s face was flushed from the liquor, but his eyes were wide. Jun was finding it hard to breathe, his face just inches from Sho’s. And despite the consequences, all he wanted to do was kiss him.
He wondered if Sho wanted the same thing as he felt the other man part his legs shakily to let Jun lie more comfortably between them. “Matsujun,” he muttered, his eyes darting back and forth. The rest of him seemed to be frozen in place. Almost frozen in terror.
Jun closed the distance, his fingers nervously brushing over Sho’s cheek, then down to his lips. He didn’t know what to say, only feeling Sho’s warm body beneath him. Even with the alcohol turning his brain to mush, this felt right. After all this time, all these months, he wanted this. But did Sho?
He closed his eyes, deciding that he was just going to do it and go from there. At the very least, Sho hadn’t pushed him off of him yet. He brushed his lips to the corner of Sho’s mouth, gently, tentatively. Finding no resistance yet, he continued, letting his mouth linger a few seconds longer. Sho still hadn’t responded. Maybe he’d had a stroke.
Finally, after several agonizing moments, Sho turned his face away and rested a hand at the base of Jun’s spine. “Wait.”
Okay. He’d officially fucked up the only good thing in his personal life. Again. He opened his eyes to see not anger, but sympathy in Sho’s features. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled, pulling away. “I’m sorry, it’s the alcohol and…”
“Wait, I said,” Sho repeated, holding Jun in place. “It’s not…well, it’s…” He still had the bill in his hand, and he brought it closer. It took a few seconds to focus his eyes in his drunken state, but there was no denying the address. It wasn’t a bill, it was a letter. From Zac.
Damn it.
“You can…” Sho mumbled. “You can read it. I can go in the other room.” The other man stirred beneath him, but Jun had had enough. One voicemail was all he’d gotten in months, a dismissal. He’d worked so hard to forget it all, to let everything with Zac become a pleasant, if distant memory. Why now, when he was about to jump into unknown territory with someone who meant the world to him? Why was fate perpetually against him?
He grabbed the letter from Sho’s hand defiantly, setting it down on the table. “I can read it later.” The numbing courage the alcohol had given him was starting to wear off, and he still wanted nothing more than to let Sho know how much he meant to him. But it seemed that the past few minutes were having the same effect on Sho’s intoxicated state. The moment was gone.
Sho scooted away, fingers absentmindedly brushing against his lips. Jun’s heart sank. What a stupid thing to do, he thought. As far as he knew, Sho had always had girlfriends, never a boyfriend. Not that Jun had either, at least before Zac had arrived on the scene. What should have been a huge, monumental step had been just selfishness on Jun’s part, kissing Sho because he wanted to. Taking a leap of faith when the pair of them were so clearly out of their right minds.
“We should talk. About…about that,” Jun muttered, shame clouding his mind.
“We will.” Sho grabbed the water bottle back from the end table and downed about half of it. If he was angry with Jun for kissing him, he wasn’t showing it. “Maybe you should just read it.”
He laughed bitterly. “For what?”
“Because he took the time to send it.” The Sho who’d stolen the envelope, who’d unconsciously moved his legs to let Jun between them, was gone. His words were still slurring, but his jaw was set. There’d be no talk about what had happened, no forward (or backward) progress to their relationship until he read the damn letter.
He knew he wanted Sho. Badly. So much that he was already aching to be parted, the distance firmly set between them on the couch now. If he had to relive the pain of January and the following months again, then he would. There was no way Sho would even consider something unless Zac was finally gone. If he could just close that chapter for good.
Sho kept his distance as Jun tore the envelope open, finding a hand written letter. His heart caught in his throat at the unsteady, but still perfectly formed characters. The words were Zac’s, but the language was Jun’s. How long had it taken to write this out? It was heartfelt, obviously written at a stressful time, and he knew the feelings exactly. He’d lived them too.
I’m still glad that I met you.
He felt tears on his cheeks, and he angrily brushed them away. This was just something to acknowledge and move on from. Why was he letting this hurt him so much?
I think I might I have loved you. I think maybe I always will.
“He wrote…” Jun told Sho quietly. “He wrote entirely in Japanese.”
“I see.” The couch shifted as the other man got up. “I’m…well, you know what, I think I’ll get a cab.”
“What?”
Sho was already making his way unsteadily to the door. “I need to sleep this off, I’m sorry.”
Zac’s words blurred in front of him, and he set it down on the table. “Don’t go, please.”
“I had too much to drink.” He was sitting on the floor, trying to get his shoes back on after it had taken so long to get them off in the first place.
Jun could feel anger rising within himself. Misplaced anger for Zac, sending the letter at the worst time. Misplaced anger for Sho, getting the wrong idea and trying to escape the consequences of what had just happened. He hurried over, kicking Sho’s other shoe away, hearing it hit the wall with a dull thud. “Don’t leave. Don’t think you can just run away.”
“I’m not running away.”
He pulled Sho to his feet roughly. His rage was quickly taking over. Zac’s words, the perfectly composed Japanese, were repeating in his mind. There had been finality in his words. More so than in that stupid voicemail. “Read it, you can read it. It’s done. He said goodbye properly.”
“Matsujun, let me leave.”
“I can’t, not until you listen to me.” His mind was racing, his heart was pounding. He’d already lost someone he cared for deeply this year - he didn’t want to lose this one. All those years, caring for Sho in secret, letting it bubble and fester. Why couldn’t it work? Why wouldn’t it just work?
He grabbed Sho’s arm, tight enough to make him whimper, but he didn’t care. All of Nino’s joking, all the times Sho had been there. All the sneaking and lying Sho had done because he was Jun’s “friend?” Bullshit. It was bullshit. Sho wanted him, he just didn’t know it. He’d been jealous of Zac. It had nothing to do with Arashi - it had everything to do with Jun.
He felt hot tears in his eyes as he forced his mouth against Sho’s hard, nipping at his soft lip. His need intensified as Sho groaned. “You’ve wanted this. Isn’t it?” Sho’s arms were limp at his sides as Jun grabbed for his waist, raking his fingers roughly against the taut muscles of the other man’s stomach. “You answered my phone, you stalked me, you stole that fucking camera.”
“Stop.”
He silenced Sho with his mouth, tasting coppery blood. He could barely breathe, feeling Sho shaking before him. He wasn’t going to let him hide from it any longer.
“I can’t stop. You couldn’t stop yourself, could you?” He gave the other man a rough push, hearing Sho’s back hit the door. “You followed me. You wanted him gone.” He could see the shock in Sho’s face as the words reached him. “You wanted me.”
“Jun,” he said, holding his hands up. “Stop.”
He did, feeling like he was going to faint. It was all messed up, all over again. A continuous cycle of failure. Zac was gone. Zac’s letter said goodbye. And now Sho would leave him too. It would be strange and awkward and awful again, and Nino would ping him with emails and texts all day with a “How did you fuck that up?” smiley emoticon.
He laughed, laughed until it ached. “Isn’t that what you wanted? You just wanted me to yourself?” He sank down until he was on his knees, still laughing. Sho stumbled around him, only one unlaced shoe on his foot. He retrieved the other one and opened the door.
“We need to sleep this off,” Sho said, rubbing his hand against his mouth. Jun couldn’t look up, just staring at Sho’s legs as he stepped forward to run his fingers through Jun’s hair. It was a comforting, almost intimate gesture. But before he could look up to decipher Sho’s intent, the hand disappeared and Sho was gone.
-----
Sho woke the next morning to a pounding in his head so bad it was wrenching at his stomach. He pulled his face away from the pillowcase it had been mashed into, groaning; moving hurt, all over, and he immediately stopped. His temples were throbbing so much he could see red dots at the sides of his vision, mingling with the bright sunlight streaming in through the blinds.
He'd had way too much to drink; scratch that, he'd gone past the point of way too much. He'd been so drunk he didn't remember going home, or how he got there. He shakily raised a hand to his head, muscles screaming, trying to push itchy hair out of his face. The events from the night before were slowly filtering back, bit by bit, each memory another pang in his already aching head.
Leader drinking- toasts- stumbling back to Jun's apartment-
There was a wave of nausea, and he wasn't entirely sure it was all due to his dehydrated state. Oh, God. Jun. Oh, God, he'd-
Sho couldn't sit up. All of a sudden he was remembering everything, rather than trickles of thoughts his brain allowed through. Everything hit him in a rush, in a jumbled mess of complete and total panic mixed with the acidic tingle of harsh realization. The back of his throat tasted like copper, like fear; fear and anxiety and oh, God, Jun-
Jun's weight on his thighs, the letter from Zac, being pushed up against the door and the handle jabbing him hard in the spine-
Are you in love with him?
It had been ages since Zac had asked him that, glaring at him across a sparse hotel room with dripping hair. Ages since Sho had repressed everything, trying to be accepting and open of a relationship that made him feel like he'd been punched every time it came up in conversation. Nights spent worrying about Jun and Arashi and their careers and their safety, when the wiggling thought in the back of his brain was conjuring images of sweat-sheen on skin and hitching moans.
Matsujun used to have a huge crush on you.
Sho knew the way Jun's eyebrows would knot when he was worried. He knew the way he would curl his fingers over and over again when he was stressed. He knew the angles of his body when he was dancing, the look on his face when he was absorbed in a song; he knew the quirk to his mouth when something was amusing, but he didn't want to admit it.
You're in love with him.
And last night, when Jun had been laying on him, hands running across the contours of his face, Sho's body had refused to move. When Jun had pressed his mouth against his in the softest faint kiss, feather-light and fine, he couldn't think of anything at all, not even about responding.
Oh, God. He'd fucked everything up- he'd fucked everything up entirely.
Isn't this what you wanted? Jun had asked, pressed hard up against Sho with hands too tight, mouth too rough. Isn't this what you always wanted?
Yes.
Yes, it was everything he had ever wanted.
And he had stood there motionless; he had stood in the doorway without responding in kind, and he had left with one shoe in his hand and the taste of liquor on his tongue.
His stomach roiled, lungs constricting, and he jerked out of bed to run to his bathroom, retching up all of last night's beer. It almost burned as much as the ache in his chest did.
------
By the time he got to the VS Arashi set, his headache had increased two-fold, and his body was so starved for hydration that he was trembling uncontrollably. Being hungover was no excuse to miss filming, and he couldn't pull the sick card. He staggered into the green room hoping that he could fly under the radar a bit.
"Look who drank too much last night," Nino said, without looking up from his DS screen, and it appeared Sho would have no such luck. He looked up to give a biting reply, a retort of some kind- only to see Jun across the room. His heart stopped, and his stomach lurched; he wrenched his gaze back down as soon as their eyes met, feeling sick all over again. When he looked up again, Jun was looking elsewhere, head bowed, back turned; it was an obvious refusal to meet his eyes again.
He'd fucked it up. He had royally fucked it up. Now Jun thought that Sho hated him- thought that his advances had been completely denied, unreciprocated. Now it was awkward all over again, a repeat of ten years ago- it had taken years to get over that. And Sho wanted nothing more than to tell him that he DID want him, he DID care about him.
Bile burned in the back of his throat, and he sat down on the couch, trying to center himself.
It didn't get much better once the filming started. His head was hurting too bad to even try to force witty quips, banter, anything that seemed normal. Everything ached too much to do well in the challenges, even though he tried as best he could. He didn't know which pain was worse- the one in his body or the one in his heart.
You're in love with him.
And he was such a fool for it.
Once filming had entered, he stumbled back to the green room, to grab his things. All he wanted to do was leave and pass out on his bed again, for a blissful respite from his hangover and from his reality.
"Nice job on those falling pipes," Nino said. It was obviously sarcastic- Sho hadn't even caught one.
"Sorry," he mumbled in response.
"Maybe next time you should pick your drinking days better." Either Nino was itching for a fight, or the hangover had begun twisting everything said around him. Sho wasn't willing to dismiss the former notion.
"I said I was sorry," he said.
"It's not just about you, you know," Nino continued, arms crossed over his chest. He was perched on the arm of the couch like a vulture waiting to circle the carnage below.
"I wasn't-" Sho started, and was interrupted.
"There are five members of Arashi, not just you. So don't screw up everyone else's filming just because you can hardly get out of bed in the morning."
The red spots at the sides of his vision were back, dancing like bugs. And Jun hadn't managed to look at him the whole episode, not since the first moment Sho had walked into the green room. He'd fucked it up so bad the dynamics of the entire group were thrown off, and everyone was feeling the rippling repercussions of it. Jun might never look at him again, and they'd been so close lately, so okay, so finally on an agreeable wavelength.
"So next time you decide to drink too much, leave the members you want to bang out-"
"Shut up, Ninomiya!" Sho shouted, kicking the trash can so hard it flew across the room and bounced noisily against the opposing wall. "Just shut the fuck up!"
There was a stunned silence, but his own blood was rushing in his ears louder than anything else. He whirled, finger in Nino's face. He wanted to hit him- he wanted to wipe the smug look right off his face, because his head was throbbing, and his chest was burning, and Jun would never talk to him again-
"Stay the fuck out of things that aren't your business!" Sho cried. "You've done more than enough already, and I'm sick of it!"
Nino didn't look scared- Nino never looked scared when cornered- but he seemed quieted. Aiba's eyes were wide, and Leader looked sad, and Jun was just hunched in the corner like if he got small enough, no one would be able to see him anymore. And Sho's stomach was roiling again, rebelling against the work and the lack of water and the morning he'd spent vomiting in the bathroom.
He grabbed his things, and stalked out without another word, forcing the image of Jun out of his brain for the drive home.
-----
It had been a strange voicemail. He hadn’t even said hello, or said who was calling. He’d just started babbling. “Can you come by…hey, pick up a pizza. I’ll pay you back. Oh, and I’ll be home after 8:00 so if you could swing by after…I mean, that’s if you can come. You said you were free this week, I read that on Twitter. Yeah, I swore I’d never poke around on there but…well, anyhow. Pepperoni’s good, but you get what you want. Deep dish! Later.”
Ashley had to replay the message three times to figure out if Zac was joking or high. He sounded scatterbrained. But she really had nothing better to do. She called ahead, picked up a deep-dish pepperoni and mushroom and headed over. He almost looked ecstatic to see her, grabbing the pizza with a smile.
“Glad you could make it!”
She followed him inside, kicking off her shoes and following the scent of the pizza to the kitchen. They perched on the stools near his kitchen island and dug in. Zac was shoving the food in his face like he hadn’t eaten all day, so it was up to her to get the conversation going it seemed.
“Why’d you wanna hang out tonight?” she asked curiously, taking a smaller bite of her slice.
“Oh,” he said, mouthful of crust and toppings. He swallowed quickly in embarrassment. “Well, Vanessa has a late shoot, so she’s not stopping by tonight.”
“Okay,” she replied, not sure what she was supposed to think of that. My girlfriend’s not here, so why don’t we have pizza at my place? Zac was giving off this nervous energy, tapping his foot against the leg of the stool, eating without taking time to breathe it seemed.
“Not that…not that you’re like, a replacement or anything, I…” Zac looked upset. “I just…you’re always here for me. I don’t know if I’ve thanked you enough for that.”
She couldn’t help blushing at his admission and the sincerity in his words. “It’s nothing, really. That’s what friends do. We look out for each other.”
He munched on a piece of crust. “It’s just…I can be myself around you. I need that sometimes.”
“Is there something you’re not telling me? Is everything alright?” she asked, reaching to grab his hand. To her surprise, he squeezed back hard.
Zac grabbed another slice. The pizza was disappearing quicker than she’d realized. “Things are alright. Things are great. I guess, I don’t know. She makes me happy.”
“Right.”
He was almost to the crust again, finally letting go of her hand to grab some garlic dipping sauce out of the box. “But sometimes I miss…” She knew Zac wanted to say Jun’s name, but voicing it was still pretty painful for him. “I miss little things, and I can’t exactly say it to her. Or anyone.”
“You can tell me.”
“I know. I know that.” He dipped the crust in the sauce. “I feel bad for relying on you so much. I should feel blessed I have Vanessa in my life at all.”
She sipped her drink. “But…”
Zac saw that coming. “But, at the same time, something’s missing. How can something that lasted for a matter of days, scattered over the course of a year, you know…how can that seem more meaningful than years together? How can I look at someone I treated like shit, someone who willingly gave me a second chance and just not feel that same kind of connection?”
He laughed, shaking his head. “How could I have had a stronger bond with someone I could barely understand than someone I’ve known all this time?
So Zac was having doubts. He was more unhappy than he let on. Ashley didn’t know too much about super long distance relationships, nor did she pry too much into Jun’s life beyond what Zac had told her. “If you’re not happy…”
“But I am…sort of.”
Ashley slid off the stool, closing the pizza box and stomping off to put it in the fridge. “Sort of doesn’t cut it. You’re my friend, but so is Vanessa, and being ‘sort of’ happy is just going to hurt the both of you in the end.”
“Well, what am I supposed to do?” he asked her, raising his voice. “I did everything to erase what happened. I’ve been more than attentive. I do everything I can to make her happy. But I can’t lie to myself and say that this is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.”
She slammed a hand on the counter. “And you think some guy thousands of miles away - you think that missed connection might have been? You’re relying on hindsight here!”
“I wasn’t saying that at all! I’m not that deluded. I’m just saying…” He looked down. “I don’t know what I’m saying.”
“Then why did you call me over here?”
He leaned on his elbows, massaging his temples. “I wanted to ask you how I should break up with her.”
She was floored, absolutely floored. Bring over a pizza so you can feel sorry for me and help me dump my girlfriend? Pick a side, choose between your friends - you’re the only one who understands me. This wasn’t like Zac at all. How had he managed to bottle all this negative feeling up and how hadn’t she noticed?
“No.”
He stared at her. “What?”
“I said no,” she repeated. She’d go to the moon and back if it meant helping Zac out, but this was something she simply would not do. It had been a mistake to come over. He was going to break Vanessa’s heart all over again, and now that he’d told her what he was planning, she was complicit. How could he do this to her? She grabbed her purse and headed for the door.
“Hey, where are you…”
She turned back, never feeling such anger toward him before now. “You’re going to do what you want. But just remember that she has feelings too. Just because she’s not some Japanese guy you made out with the first day you met…”
“Hey!”
“Don’t. Don’t argue this with me. Just don’t.” She showed herself to the door, sliding her sandals back on. “I don’t know what’s wrong with you tonight, and you’re going to do what you want to do. But you damn well know that she’s my friend too, and I don’t want a part of it.” She slammed the door behind her, nearly shaking in her anger. Zac needed her, that much was clear, but he’d grown far too dependent.
She couldn’t help him, not this time.
Chapter: 11/12
Fandom: Arashi
Character, Pairing(s): Matsumoto Jun/Zac Efron, Matsumoto Jun/Sakurai Sho
Rating: T
Warnings: Language
Summary: What had been a one-time thing has turned into ... not a one-time thing. And they aren't the only ones involved.
There was a thud, and then a muffled screech of pain, and Zac popped his head up over the boxes he was crouched behind to see what was going on.
"Are you okay?" he called, when he didn't hear anything else.
"Yes," came Ashley's warbled, half-laughing cry. "The boxes in the family room with your DVDs just tried to kill me, but I managed to escape in time."
"Beat them back, Ash!" Vanessa giggled, from across the bedroom. She was only half visible behind the mattress propped up against the wall, and the boxes littering the middle of the floor. She sat back to look at Zac, and gave him a winning smile. He felt only a little guilty when it was difficult to return it.
"I think this is everything," he said, shutting the box flaps and grabbing the tape dispenser to cover the slit. Vanessa stood up, wiping her hands on her capris.
"What's next?" she asked.
"The desk," he pointed. "But it's going to take two people to lift."
"Remind me why Corbin said he couldn't help with this?" Vanessa said, leaning over across the desk's glass surface. She put her hands on the bottom side, near the legs, and pulled upwards, obviously straining. When the desk didn't even move, she let go, falling back with a breathless little giggle. "Okay, that's going to have to be you and Ashley."
"What's me?" Ashley asked, poking her head in the doorframe.
"The desk," Vanessa said, pointing. "We need your muscles!"
Ashley laughed, flexing her arms a few times, and moved over to the side of the desk Vanessa had just vacated. She tucked a few stray hairs behind her ears.
"Pilates!" she said, making a determined face. "My trainer will be so proud of me, all that sweat is really paying off."
She looked at Zac expectantly, and he just laughed and shook his head, setting the tape down on one of the larger box piles. It was hot, especially since he'd already had the air turned off- his shirt was already drenched in sweat, and it was only barely into the afternoon; the head didn't look like it would be abating anytime soon. Not for the first time, he questioned his decision to move in the middle of August.
"On three," he said, taking a hold of the opposite side of the piece. "One, two-"
They lifted in tandem, but Zac's grip was slicked by the sweat on his palms, and he lost one of the legs almost immediately. The desk wobbled precariously in the air, and Ashley let out a little warning shriek before the drawers beneath the keyboard shelf slid out onto the ground, creating a mass of fluttering papers and dust particles. They both dropped the desk back down, and Zac waved his hand in front of his face in a vain attempt to clear the offending mites from the air.
"Crap," Ashley wheezed.
"What a mess!" Vanessa said, choking still. "You didn't clear out the drawers first?"
Looking back, maybe that idea should have come to him sooner in the packing process.
"I forgot," he said, sheepishly. "But that's fine, we can just pile all that stuff into one of the empty boxes, and I go through it later, at the new place."
He bent down to start scooping up the contents, and paused- glossy pictures stared back up at him, and Tokyo Bay sparkled in the sunlight over his shoulder. It felt like someone had kicked him in the stomach, and his fingers were trembling too badly to pick it up. All the pictures, the free pad of paper from the hotel, some of the printed emails- they'd all been shoved in the lowest drawer, out of sight, out of mind.
He couldn't move, staring down at the pile of his past he'd tried so hard to forget.
There was a long pause, and then Ashley laughed a little.
"Obviously his muscles are too weak from lack of food," she said. "Vanessa, do you want to go and get sandwiches? That place down the street is good, and really fast."
"Sure," Vanessa said, looking pleased to get out of a little bit of packing and hauling. She rummaged in her pocket and pulled out a piece of paper. "Orders?"
"Vegetarian," Ashley said. "I think it's number five."
"Zac?"
He couldn't answer, because he still couldn't figure out how to get his heart out of his throat.
"Get him something with meat," Ashley laughed. "He needs to be manly today!"
Vanessa laughed, pocketed the list, and left with a little wave and a "be back later!". As the front door shut behind her, Zac reached forward to pick up one of the papers, the folded emails he'd printed during the long absence they'd had. It was dated for sometime in August of last year; had it really been a year ago, just a year ago, when he'd been that happy? When everything had been okay?
Ashley knelt by his side.
"Do you need help?" she asked, quietly, even though they were alone in the apartment.
"I- no," he breathed. His stomach was in knots, but at least it was manageable now. It had taken a long time for him to get to that point. He gathered up a few of the pictures, stacking them nicely into piles. "I guess I should get rid of everything."
Ashley looked a bit sad.
"Do you really want to?" she asked.
He laughed, and the action was decidedly joyless.
"No," he admitted. "But- maybe I should."
She watched him pick up the scattered pieces of Jun and Japan from the floor without saying anything else. He'd almost finished until he came across an unmarked, unsealed envelope, plain white, devoid of any labels. His arm was shaking when he picked it up and opened the flap, pulling out the letter inside.
"What is it?" she inquired.
"It's- I wrote him a letter, shortly after- well, everything," Zac explained. "I could never bear to send it, so I just never did."
Ashley reached for the pictures and emails, and he handed them over, focused on the page in front of him. He'd been so distraught when he wrote it, hating himself, hating everything; there were smudges on the paper from where his pen had been dying and he'd been too impatient to scribble with it to get the ink reflowing. And without really realizing it, he started reading outloud.
I'm sorry that everything had to end this way. I never meant to hurt you, or anyone else, and I hope you know that. I don't know if I'll ever be able to explain what you meant to me, or how you made me feel; maybe that's the part about it that will always stay with me.
I wish that things could have been different. I wish that all this mess could have been avoided, but I know that it's no one's fault. And even now, when everything's fallen apart, I'm still glad that I met you. You did so much for me, and I'm grateful for every minute we had together, even if it eventually caused us both pain.
I think I might I have loved you. I think maybe I always will.
They sat in quiet for a long time after he'd finished.
"It's in Japanese," Ashley said, glancing at the paper over his shoulder. "You- you wrote all that in Japanese?"
'Yeah," Zac breathed. He folded the letter back up, suddenly not wanting to look at it anymore.
"He never called you back?"
Zac tucked the letter back into the envelope.
"I didn't expect him to," he admitted. Ashley reached over to put a hand on his arm.
"Zac," she started.
"I- just don't," he interrupted, because he wasn't sure he wanted to hear what she had to say. It might twist the knife in his abdomen all the more, and he wasn't sure that he could take that. He wanted to tear the letter and the envelope up, but something stayed his hand, and he wasn't sure what it was. "Maybe- I'll send it."
She smiled, and it was a bit sad.
"I think maybe that's good," she said, with a little shrug.
"Yeah?" he asked, and she nodded. His fingers played with the paper a bit. "Yeah. I think it might be."
"Do it now," she suggested, "before Vanessa gets back with the sandwiches."
He grinned at her, and he didn't have to fake it.
"Yeah," he said again. "I think I will."
------
He hadn’t been this drunk in a long time. This did not bode well for the morning. If there was one thing Jun hated, it was being hungover for work. But he felt good, almost like he was floating.
It was hard not to laugh as he and Sho stumbled into his elevator, barely able to hold one another up. “The whooooole tray. He knocked over the whoooole tray!” Sho was reminding him as he fumbled for the button to his floor. Leader always drank them under the table, but this time, he and Sho had kept up with him. Which was probably why Sho was being so god awful loud and why Jun found everything hilarious.
“That bar manager’s never going to let him in again,” Jun said as the elevator doors opened, and they wobbled into the hall.
It had been a strange few months since that day at the ramen shop. Nino had apparently told Sho things that were not his to tell, and yet, Sho hadn’t widened the gap between them. In fact, it seemed to Jun like Sho was getting closer. They went out for dinner or for drinks far more often. And when Jun had one of his movie nights, Sho always accepted the invitation.
Spending more time with Sho had gotten him through this year. He was certain of it. If it hadn’t been for Sho’s mothering and constant presence, he’d be in a far darker place. And try as he did not to, he’d fallen hard. But would Sho ever be more than a friend? It was probably obvious to everyone how Jun felt.
Well, to everyone except Sho. “Oblivious” was the term Nino had used, aside from “blind idiot” and “so far in the closet he’s in Narnia.”
“That couch is calling me!” Sho announced noisily to the hallway. Jun knew that the other man’s parents would definitely appreciate their rowdy, intoxicated son staying somewhere else for the night.
“Quiet,” Jun mumbled, sloppily pressing a finger to Sho’s lips while he fumbled for his keys. “You’re going to get me evicted.”
He got the door open, and they stumbled in. Sho had a hard time getting his shoes untied, and Jun crouched down, but even his balance was affected and he ended up on his ass. “Okay, laces!” Sho gave him a hard time, rocking back and forth while he tried to untie his shoes. “Stop moving!”
“He knocked over the whole tray, Matsujun!”
“I know that. I was there,” Jun reminded him, giving him a smack on the leg before turning his attention back to his shoes. Sho sighed, resting his hand on top of Jun’s head in hopes of staying upright. If someone else saw them right then from an odd angle, it might look like something else entirely, and Jun collapsed into laughs.
“Hey! Come on, help me!”
Jun waved Sho off, crawling to the wall and raising himself up. “No, no. Untie them yourself. It looks like I’m…” He covered his mouth to keep another hysterical laugh from coming out.
“Looks like what?” Sho asked, his voice still screechy and loud. He sat down on the floor heavily and just tugged the shoes off. “What did it look like?”
Jun dug around in his fridge for some water. He clumsily grabbed two bottles and slammed them down on the counter. “We are such idiots when we drink.”
Sho had finally made it to the kitchen, and he nearly collided with him. “Water! I need water. Did you know that the human body is like…almost three-quarters water?”
“That’s a lot,” he admitted, twisting off the top and dropping it on the floor. “We need to rehydrate.”
“I know, right? Seriously, Matsujun,” Sho said, squeezing his arm. “Three-fourths of you, it’s water! Like under here? Water!”
Sho was probably going to pass out, and Jun wrapped his arm around his waist and began pulling him to the living room, leaving his water bottle on the counter. “Come on, you should rest.”
“Mail!” Sho cried, diving for the coffee table where Jun had tossed his bills hurriedly before heading out earlier that night. “Mail!”
Jun sat down on the couch with a sigh, yanking Sho back to sit beside him. Water from Sho’s bottle went flying out, hitting Jun’s pants and Sho’s t-shirt. “Don’t touch my electric bill, Sakurai. You’re going to spill…” Jun took the bottle away, setting it on an end table.
Sho leaned forward again, spreading the envelopes around and turning them over. “It’s like Nino’s magic tricks. Which one was the electric bill, which one was…”
Jun was unable to control his laughter. It was hard to believe the man at his side was the same person who wore a suit and broadcasted news segments every week. He tried wrenching the envelopes away. “You’re so drunk.”
“You’re the one who’s drunk!” Sho parroted back, holding one envelope up. “I bet your electric bill is through the roof from all the time you spend in your bathroom getting pretty!”
Jun lunged for the envelope. “Stop being an idiot! You’ll rip it!” Sho fell back against the couch cushions, flailing his arms over the edge in hopes of keeping the envelope to himself. Jun dove for it, falling across Sho until he was completely on top of him. “Give it back!”
And as soon as the words left Jun’s mouth, he realized where he was, and no amount of being drunk could really take it back. Sho’s face was flushed from the liquor, but his eyes were wide. Jun was finding it hard to breathe, his face just inches from Sho’s. And despite the consequences, all he wanted to do was kiss him.
He wondered if Sho wanted the same thing as he felt the other man part his legs shakily to let Jun lie more comfortably between them. “Matsujun,” he muttered, his eyes darting back and forth. The rest of him seemed to be frozen in place. Almost frozen in terror.
Jun closed the distance, his fingers nervously brushing over Sho’s cheek, then down to his lips. He didn’t know what to say, only feeling Sho’s warm body beneath him. Even with the alcohol turning his brain to mush, this felt right. After all this time, all these months, he wanted this. But did Sho?
He closed his eyes, deciding that he was just going to do it and go from there. At the very least, Sho hadn’t pushed him off of him yet. He brushed his lips to the corner of Sho’s mouth, gently, tentatively. Finding no resistance yet, he continued, letting his mouth linger a few seconds longer. Sho still hadn’t responded. Maybe he’d had a stroke.
Finally, after several agonizing moments, Sho turned his face away and rested a hand at the base of Jun’s spine. “Wait.”
Okay. He’d officially fucked up the only good thing in his personal life. Again. He opened his eyes to see not anger, but sympathy in Sho’s features. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled, pulling away. “I’m sorry, it’s the alcohol and…”
“Wait, I said,” Sho repeated, holding Jun in place. “It’s not…well, it’s…” He still had the bill in his hand, and he brought it closer. It took a few seconds to focus his eyes in his drunken state, but there was no denying the address. It wasn’t a bill, it was a letter. From Zac.
Damn it.
“You can…” Sho mumbled. “You can read it. I can go in the other room.” The other man stirred beneath him, but Jun had had enough. One voicemail was all he’d gotten in months, a dismissal. He’d worked so hard to forget it all, to let everything with Zac become a pleasant, if distant memory. Why now, when he was about to jump into unknown territory with someone who meant the world to him? Why was fate perpetually against him?
He grabbed the letter from Sho’s hand defiantly, setting it down on the table. “I can read it later.” The numbing courage the alcohol had given him was starting to wear off, and he still wanted nothing more than to let Sho know how much he meant to him. But it seemed that the past few minutes were having the same effect on Sho’s intoxicated state. The moment was gone.
Sho scooted away, fingers absentmindedly brushing against his lips. Jun’s heart sank. What a stupid thing to do, he thought. As far as he knew, Sho had always had girlfriends, never a boyfriend. Not that Jun had either, at least before Zac had arrived on the scene. What should have been a huge, monumental step had been just selfishness on Jun’s part, kissing Sho because he wanted to. Taking a leap of faith when the pair of them were so clearly out of their right minds.
“We should talk. About…about that,” Jun muttered, shame clouding his mind.
“We will.” Sho grabbed the water bottle back from the end table and downed about half of it. If he was angry with Jun for kissing him, he wasn’t showing it. “Maybe you should just read it.”
He laughed bitterly. “For what?”
“Because he took the time to send it.” The Sho who’d stolen the envelope, who’d unconsciously moved his legs to let Jun between them, was gone. His words were still slurring, but his jaw was set. There’d be no talk about what had happened, no forward (or backward) progress to their relationship until he read the damn letter.
He knew he wanted Sho. Badly. So much that he was already aching to be parted, the distance firmly set between them on the couch now. If he had to relive the pain of January and the following months again, then he would. There was no way Sho would even consider something unless Zac was finally gone. If he could just close that chapter for good.
Sho kept his distance as Jun tore the envelope open, finding a hand written letter. His heart caught in his throat at the unsteady, but still perfectly formed characters. The words were Zac’s, but the language was Jun’s. How long had it taken to write this out? It was heartfelt, obviously written at a stressful time, and he knew the feelings exactly. He’d lived them too.
I’m still glad that I met you.
He felt tears on his cheeks, and he angrily brushed them away. This was just something to acknowledge and move on from. Why was he letting this hurt him so much?
I think I might I have loved you. I think maybe I always will.
“He wrote…” Jun told Sho quietly. “He wrote entirely in Japanese.”
“I see.” The couch shifted as the other man got up. “I’m…well, you know what, I think I’ll get a cab.”
“What?”
Sho was already making his way unsteadily to the door. “I need to sleep this off, I’m sorry.”
Zac’s words blurred in front of him, and he set it down on the table. “Don’t go, please.”
“I had too much to drink.” He was sitting on the floor, trying to get his shoes back on after it had taken so long to get them off in the first place.
Jun could feel anger rising within himself. Misplaced anger for Zac, sending the letter at the worst time. Misplaced anger for Sho, getting the wrong idea and trying to escape the consequences of what had just happened. He hurried over, kicking Sho’s other shoe away, hearing it hit the wall with a dull thud. “Don’t leave. Don’t think you can just run away.”
“I’m not running away.”
He pulled Sho to his feet roughly. His rage was quickly taking over. Zac’s words, the perfectly composed Japanese, were repeating in his mind. There had been finality in his words. More so than in that stupid voicemail. “Read it, you can read it. It’s done. He said goodbye properly.”
“Matsujun, let me leave.”
“I can’t, not until you listen to me.” His mind was racing, his heart was pounding. He’d already lost someone he cared for deeply this year - he didn’t want to lose this one. All those years, caring for Sho in secret, letting it bubble and fester. Why couldn’t it work? Why wouldn’t it just work?
He grabbed Sho’s arm, tight enough to make him whimper, but he didn’t care. All of Nino’s joking, all the times Sho had been there. All the sneaking and lying Sho had done because he was Jun’s “friend?” Bullshit. It was bullshit. Sho wanted him, he just didn’t know it. He’d been jealous of Zac. It had nothing to do with Arashi - it had everything to do with Jun.
He felt hot tears in his eyes as he forced his mouth against Sho’s hard, nipping at his soft lip. His need intensified as Sho groaned. “You’ve wanted this. Isn’t it?” Sho’s arms were limp at his sides as Jun grabbed for his waist, raking his fingers roughly against the taut muscles of the other man’s stomach. “You answered my phone, you stalked me, you stole that fucking camera.”
“Stop.”
He silenced Sho with his mouth, tasting coppery blood. He could barely breathe, feeling Sho shaking before him. He wasn’t going to let him hide from it any longer.
“I can’t stop. You couldn’t stop yourself, could you?” He gave the other man a rough push, hearing Sho’s back hit the door. “You followed me. You wanted him gone.” He could see the shock in Sho’s face as the words reached him. “You wanted me.”
“Jun,” he said, holding his hands up. “Stop.”
He did, feeling like he was going to faint. It was all messed up, all over again. A continuous cycle of failure. Zac was gone. Zac’s letter said goodbye. And now Sho would leave him too. It would be strange and awkward and awful again, and Nino would ping him with emails and texts all day with a “How did you fuck that up?” smiley emoticon.
He laughed, laughed until it ached. “Isn’t that what you wanted? You just wanted me to yourself?” He sank down until he was on his knees, still laughing. Sho stumbled around him, only one unlaced shoe on his foot. He retrieved the other one and opened the door.
“We need to sleep this off,” Sho said, rubbing his hand against his mouth. Jun couldn’t look up, just staring at Sho’s legs as he stepped forward to run his fingers through Jun’s hair. It was a comforting, almost intimate gesture. But before he could look up to decipher Sho’s intent, the hand disappeared and Sho was gone.
-----
Sho woke the next morning to a pounding in his head so bad it was wrenching at his stomach. He pulled his face away from the pillowcase it had been mashed into, groaning; moving hurt, all over, and he immediately stopped. His temples were throbbing so much he could see red dots at the sides of his vision, mingling with the bright sunlight streaming in through the blinds.
He'd had way too much to drink; scratch that, he'd gone past the point of way too much. He'd been so drunk he didn't remember going home, or how he got there. He shakily raised a hand to his head, muscles screaming, trying to push itchy hair out of his face. The events from the night before were slowly filtering back, bit by bit, each memory another pang in his already aching head.
Leader drinking- toasts- stumbling back to Jun's apartment-
There was a wave of nausea, and he wasn't entirely sure it was all due to his dehydrated state. Oh, God. Jun. Oh, God, he'd-
Sho couldn't sit up. All of a sudden he was remembering everything, rather than trickles of thoughts his brain allowed through. Everything hit him in a rush, in a jumbled mess of complete and total panic mixed with the acidic tingle of harsh realization. The back of his throat tasted like copper, like fear; fear and anxiety and oh, God, Jun-
Jun's weight on his thighs, the letter from Zac, being pushed up against the door and the handle jabbing him hard in the spine-
Are you in love with him?
It had been ages since Zac had asked him that, glaring at him across a sparse hotel room with dripping hair. Ages since Sho had repressed everything, trying to be accepting and open of a relationship that made him feel like he'd been punched every time it came up in conversation. Nights spent worrying about Jun and Arashi and their careers and their safety, when the wiggling thought in the back of his brain was conjuring images of sweat-sheen on skin and hitching moans.
Matsujun used to have a huge crush on you.
Sho knew the way Jun's eyebrows would knot when he was worried. He knew the way he would curl his fingers over and over again when he was stressed. He knew the angles of his body when he was dancing, the look on his face when he was absorbed in a song; he knew the quirk to his mouth when something was amusing, but he didn't want to admit it.
You're in love with him.
And last night, when Jun had been laying on him, hands running across the contours of his face, Sho's body had refused to move. When Jun had pressed his mouth against his in the softest faint kiss, feather-light and fine, he couldn't think of anything at all, not even about responding.
Oh, God. He'd fucked everything up- he'd fucked everything up entirely.
Isn't this what you wanted? Jun had asked, pressed hard up against Sho with hands too tight, mouth too rough. Isn't this what you always wanted?
Yes.
Yes, it was everything he had ever wanted.
And he had stood there motionless; he had stood in the doorway without responding in kind, and he had left with one shoe in his hand and the taste of liquor on his tongue.
His stomach roiled, lungs constricting, and he jerked out of bed to run to his bathroom, retching up all of last night's beer. It almost burned as much as the ache in his chest did.
------
By the time he got to the VS Arashi set, his headache had increased two-fold, and his body was so starved for hydration that he was trembling uncontrollably. Being hungover was no excuse to miss filming, and he couldn't pull the sick card. He staggered into the green room hoping that he could fly under the radar a bit.
"Look who drank too much last night," Nino said, without looking up from his DS screen, and it appeared Sho would have no such luck. He looked up to give a biting reply, a retort of some kind- only to see Jun across the room. His heart stopped, and his stomach lurched; he wrenched his gaze back down as soon as their eyes met, feeling sick all over again. When he looked up again, Jun was looking elsewhere, head bowed, back turned; it was an obvious refusal to meet his eyes again.
He'd fucked it up. He had royally fucked it up. Now Jun thought that Sho hated him- thought that his advances had been completely denied, unreciprocated. Now it was awkward all over again, a repeat of ten years ago- it had taken years to get over that. And Sho wanted nothing more than to tell him that he DID want him, he DID care about him.
Bile burned in the back of his throat, and he sat down on the couch, trying to center himself.
It didn't get much better once the filming started. His head was hurting too bad to even try to force witty quips, banter, anything that seemed normal. Everything ached too much to do well in the challenges, even though he tried as best he could. He didn't know which pain was worse- the one in his body or the one in his heart.
You're in love with him.
And he was such a fool for it.
Once filming had entered, he stumbled back to the green room, to grab his things. All he wanted to do was leave and pass out on his bed again, for a blissful respite from his hangover and from his reality.
"Nice job on those falling pipes," Nino said. It was obviously sarcastic- Sho hadn't even caught one.
"Sorry," he mumbled in response.
"Maybe next time you should pick your drinking days better." Either Nino was itching for a fight, or the hangover had begun twisting everything said around him. Sho wasn't willing to dismiss the former notion.
"I said I was sorry," he said.
"It's not just about you, you know," Nino continued, arms crossed over his chest. He was perched on the arm of the couch like a vulture waiting to circle the carnage below.
"I wasn't-" Sho started, and was interrupted.
"There are five members of Arashi, not just you. So don't screw up everyone else's filming just because you can hardly get out of bed in the morning."
The red spots at the sides of his vision were back, dancing like bugs. And Jun hadn't managed to look at him the whole episode, not since the first moment Sho had walked into the green room. He'd fucked it up so bad the dynamics of the entire group were thrown off, and everyone was feeling the rippling repercussions of it. Jun might never look at him again, and they'd been so close lately, so okay, so finally on an agreeable wavelength.
"So next time you decide to drink too much, leave the members you want to bang out-"
"Shut up, Ninomiya!" Sho shouted, kicking the trash can so hard it flew across the room and bounced noisily against the opposing wall. "Just shut the fuck up!"
There was a stunned silence, but his own blood was rushing in his ears louder than anything else. He whirled, finger in Nino's face. He wanted to hit him- he wanted to wipe the smug look right off his face, because his head was throbbing, and his chest was burning, and Jun would never talk to him again-
"Stay the fuck out of things that aren't your business!" Sho cried. "You've done more than enough already, and I'm sick of it!"
Nino didn't look scared- Nino never looked scared when cornered- but he seemed quieted. Aiba's eyes were wide, and Leader looked sad, and Jun was just hunched in the corner like if he got small enough, no one would be able to see him anymore. And Sho's stomach was roiling again, rebelling against the work and the lack of water and the morning he'd spent vomiting in the bathroom.
He grabbed his things, and stalked out without another word, forcing the image of Jun out of his brain for the drive home.
-----
It had been a strange voicemail. He hadn’t even said hello, or said who was calling. He’d just started babbling. “Can you come by…hey, pick up a pizza. I’ll pay you back. Oh, and I’ll be home after 8:00 so if you could swing by after…I mean, that’s if you can come. You said you were free this week, I read that on Twitter. Yeah, I swore I’d never poke around on there but…well, anyhow. Pepperoni’s good, but you get what you want. Deep dish! Later.”
Ashley had to replay the message three times to figure out if Zac was joking or high. He sounded scatterbrained. But she really had nothing better to do. She called ahead, picked up a deep-dish pepperoni and mushroom and headed over. He almost looked ecstatic to see her, grabbing the pizza with a smile.
“Glad you could make it!”
She followed him inside, kicking off her shoes and following the scent of the pizza to the kitchen. They perched on the stools near his kitchen island and dug in. Zac was shoving the food in his face like he hadn’t eaten all day, so it was up to her to get the conversation going it seemed.
“Why’d you wanna hang out tonight?” she asked curiously, taking a smaller bite of her slice.
“Oh,” he said, mouthful of crust and toppings. He swallowed quickly in embarrassment. “Well, Vanessa has a late shoot, so she’s not stopping by tonight.”
“Okay,” she replied, not sure what she was supposed to think of that. My girlfriend’s not here, so why don’t we have pizza at my place? Zac was giving off this nervous energy, tapping his foot against the leg of the stool, eating without taking time to breathe it seemed.
“Not that…not that you’re like, a replacement or anything, I…” Zac looked upset. “I just…you’re always here for me. I don’t know if I’ve thanked you enough for that.”
She couldn’t help blushing at his admission and the sincerity in his words. “It’s nothing, really. That’s what friends do. We look out for each other.”
He munched on a piece of crust. “It’s just…I can be myself around you. I need that sometimes.”
“Is there something you’re not telling me? Is everything alright?” she asked, reaching to grab his hand. To her surprise, he squeezed back hard.
Zac grabbed another slice. The pizza was disappearing quicker than she’d realized. “Things are alright. Things are great. I guess, I don’t know. She makes me happy.”
“Right.”
He was almost to the crust again, finally letting go of her hand to grab some garlic dipping sauce out of the box. “But sometimes I miss…” She knew Zac wanted to say Jun’s name, but voicing it was still pretty painful for him. “I miss little things, and I can’t exactly say it to her. Or anyone.”
“You can tell me.”
“I know. I know that.” He dipped the crust in the sauce. “I feel bad for relying on you so much. I should feel blessed I have Vanessa in my life at all.”
She sipped her drink. “But…”
Zac saw that coming. “But, at the same time, something’s missing. How can something that lasted for a matter of days, scattered over the course of a year, you know…how can that seem more meaningful than years together? How can I look at someone I treated like shit, someone who willingly gave me a second chance and just not feel that same kind of connection?”
He laughed, shaking his head. “How could I have had a stronger bond with someone I could barely understand than someone I’ve known all this time?
So Zac was having doubts. He was more unhappy than he let on. Ashley didn’t know too much about super long distance relationships, nor did she pry too much into Jun’s life beyond what Zac had told her. “If you’re not happy…”
“But I am…sort of.”
Ashley slid off the stool, closing the pizza box and stomping off to put it in the fridge. “Sort of doesn’t cut it. You’re my friend, but so is Vanessa, and being ‘sort of’ happy is just going to hurt the both of you in the end.”
“Well, what am I supposed to do?” he asked her, raising his voice. “I did everything to erase what happened. I’ve been more than attentive. I do everything I can to make her happy. But I can’t lie to myself and say that this is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.”
She slammed a hand on the counter. “And you think some guy thousands of miles away - you think that missed connection might have been? You’re relying on hindsight here!”
“I wasn’t saying that at all! I’m not that deluded. I’m just saying…” He looked down. “I don’t know what I’m saying.”
“Then why did you call me over here?”
He leaned on his elbows, massaging his temples. “I wanted to ask you how I should break up with her.”
She was floored, absolutely floored. Bring over a pizza so you can feel sorry for me and help me dump my girlfriend? Pick a side, choose between your friends - you’re the only one who understands me. This wasn’t like Zac at all. How had he managed to bottle all this negative feeling up and how hadn’t she noticed?
“No.”
He stared at her. “What?”
“I said no,” she repeated. She’d go to the moon and back if it meant helping Zac out, but this was something she simply would not do. It had been a mistake to come over. He was going to break Vanessa’s heart all over again, and now that he’d told her what he was planning, she was complicit. How could he do this to her? She grabbed her purse and headed for the door.
“Hey, where are you…”
She turned back, never feeling such anger toward him before now. “You’re going to do what you want. But just remember that she has feelings too. Just because she’s not some Japanese guy you made out with the first day you met…”
“Hey!”
“Don’t. Don’t argue this with me. Just don’t.” She showed herself to the door, sliding her sandals back on. “I don’t know what’s wrong with you tonight, and you’re going to do what you want to do. But you damn well know that she’s my friend too, and I don’t want a part of it.” She slammed the door behind her, nearly shaking in her anger. Zac needed her, that much was clear, but he’d grown far too dependent.
She couldn’t help him, not this time.