"Language Barriers Do Not Apply" Chapter Twelve
Title: Language Barriers Do Not Apply
Chapter: 12/12
Fandom: Arashi
Character, Pairing(s): Matsumoto Jun/Zac Efron, Matsumoto Jun/Sakurai Sho
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Language, sexual situations.
The weeks leading up to the concert had not been entirely pleasant.
Sho was avoiding him almost completely; what had been an easy companionship with lunch dates and movies had dissipated entirely into two people who only spoke when mandated by television cameras. And since the blow-out in the green room, Sho hadn't spoken to Nino, either. Jun felt bad in a way, because it was largely his fault- obviously the others had picked up on something, enough, anyway, of what had happened between him and Sho, and were reacting accordingly. But the group dynamics were shot to hell, and it was his fault.
The guilt about disrupting Arashi felt heavier and more sick-inducing than the guilt wracking him over what he did to Sho.
After the rehearsal the night before, Jun had stayed up to watch the videos feeling like he wanted to die. If any of the tension was obvious on stage, it was on his shoulders; he didn't want to be responsible for Arashi putting on a sub-par concert because of his personal affairs. He'd watched the moves over and over again, until WISH melted into Kaze no mukou e, and he'd fallen into a fitful sleep against the still-made comfortor of the hotel bed.
And now he was paying for it, with lines beneath his eyes and a weariness in his limbs.
There was little he could do once the concert started. They had fake smiles plastered on for the audience, and a bounce in their steps that was fueled nearly entirely by adrenaline. That part was easy; that part was acting, and Jun was good at acting. Every time he passed by Sho in the choreography, he willed the memories of pushing him up against the door away. He willed everything away except the bass pounding beneath the soles of his boots.
There were certain things expected at Arashi concerts- fanservice was what they were known for. So Nino grabbed Ohno's butt a couple of times, and Aiba got on Sho's shoulders for a piggy-back ride, and Jun grabbed Nino's hand while they were dancing. All that was expected. All that was required.
But it was a little hard to keep the grin on his face when he knew the tension riding just under the surface of everything was due to his own actions.
Near the end of the concert, during the last encore, he ended up next to Sho for the entirety of the last song. Even the buzz from the anxiety was wearing thin in his veins. He was worried- worried he hadn't done enough, worried the fans could see what was going on; it was that worry that was causing his muscles to bunch and coil, his stomach to clench. He had to make sure that everything was okay- he couldn't deal with the consequences if it wasn't, if something was noticeably off.
So he did what he was best at, and acted.
He put his arm around Sho's shoulders, so at least the other man knew what he was doing- a quick squeeze to the joint to tell him that it was just for the fans, the hands waving at the edge of the stage and the wide eyes waiting with anticipation. It was just to ease the knot of nerves that had refused to leave Jun's abdomen since the concert began.
He leaned in to kiss Sho on the forehead.
It was a simple enough gesture- and it never failed to work, despite the easily platonic undertones to it. They all did it because of that, and they all knew how to best work it, how to best spin it; it was an easy way to appease the fans- and, by extension, Johnny- without having to really put their reputations on the line.
Except Sho moved into the kiss, and their noses bumped.
It hurt and Jun's eyes watered immediately on instinct- he withdrew his arm while trying to laugh as obviously as possible; if he was overacting, then so be it. It was better than the alternative. He wanted to smack Sho on the head, because the other man had known what he was doing- it was a practiced move, a known resort, and the idiot had shifted right into the middle of it. But when Jun was trying his best to laugh it off, he managed to meet Sho's gaze- and he wasn't sure what exactly he was seeing there.
Sho had known what he was doing- right?
Jun's chest was constricting, so he moved across the stage to safer territory next to Aiba. It was almost over, and the nightmare would end for at least a day, and he could go collapse in the bus with his headphones on and try to scrape together ten minutes where he wasn't thinking about the five hundred ways he'd screwed up his relationship with Sho. He didn't want to think about why Sho had deliberately botched the fanservice routine, or what had been hidden in his expression, beneath the stage-smile.
He was breathless by the time the last encore song ended, and it was only half because of the hours spent belting into his microphone.
It was dark backstage, amidst the costume changes strewn haphazardly and the speakers piled on top of one another, but Jun's feet knew the way to move without requiring too much conscious thought. He was so lost in his own thoughts that he nearly yelped when a hand shot out of nowhere and grabbed his arm, dragging him to the left in-between several heavy curtains and the scaffolding for the catwalks.
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To say that Sho didn't know what he was doing would be an understatement.
He just reacted, without thinking about it, pulling Jun into the shadows with him after the concert. He was exhausted, and his legs ached, and he was covered in sweat- well, maybe it was the fact that he was so tired that gave him the resolve he needed to do something about the awkwardness that had been brewing between them for weeks. Maybe it was the fact that any mask he could have had was in tatters due to the stress of everything that let him finally do something.
Jun had taken a chance, hadn't he? Weeks ago, when he kissed him- it had been brave. Sho owed him at least answering, as it were, the gesture.
The other man was just staring at him, visible only a bit in the dim lighting between the heavy curtains, staring at him like a deer in the headlights. Christ, Sho had really done a number, hadn't he- Jun was terrified. Terrified of rejection, terrified of prolonging the anguish- Sho should have said something weeks ago, done something immediately, rather than let it go on like this.
Sho wanted to blame Nino; he wanted to blame Zac, Jun, anyone but himself, because it was the hardest to deal with. Ultimately, he could find no one else to pin the situation on.
His hands tightened unconsciously around Jun's arm, and he struggled to find the words.
He'd grabbed him for a reason, hadn't he? Pulled him into the secluded area, and here he was, unable to figure out what he'd even been intending to say. He'd never been this bad at planning; Jun tended to make his head fuzzy, coherency something he was forced to chase after.
But Sho just stood there, staring, because there was nothing but blankness in his mind. He had to fix things- he had to try- and he could think of nothing that would express what he wanted to convey.
Nino used to say that Sho thought too much- that Sho overthought everything and created unnecessary stress upon himself. Sho was not much in the mood to think Nino had anything right, but it was a bit difficult to deny the truth to that particular statement. So the obvious solution was to stop thinking- stop overanalyzing.
So he did; he just did what his body wanted to do.
He leaned forward to kiss Jun.
There was a long moment when Jun didn't move- he'd probably shocked the other man as much as he'd shocked himself. Even without volition, his hands were moving to tangle in Jun's hair, to brush against the side of Jun's jaw-line. He'd be brave, too; he'd take the risk. There was so little left to lose anymore, anyway. And then Jun gasped, a strange half-strangled sound against Sho's mouth, like he was so full of relief his entire figure shuddered and uncoiled at once, and his arms moved around Sho's chest, his shoulders, tightening as Jun kissed him back.
He hadn't planned it very well- a split-second later, not even long even to constitute an entire moment, there were footsteps very near to their position, and they sprang apart instinctively. It was too close; they were too exposed, even in the darkness. Sho ran a hand through his hair, and still couldn't find anything to say. Maybe there wasn't anything.
Jun gave him one last unreadable expression, and fled from the shadows. Sho waited a moment, trying to compose himself, before following.
Rather than the anxious knot in his stomach, his nerves were alight with adrenaline. Every fiber of his form was screaming at him- what now? What did it mean? Jun had kissed him back, was it not hopeless after all? Nothing would, nothing could, get answered backstage, with the stagehands running around and the convention center draining its occupants. The green room was fluttering with activity when they got back, and Sho had to shove his things into his bag with haste just to exit the room in time to follow the others out to the cars.
The atmosphere was awful during the ride back to the hotel. He had unfortunately ended up next to Jun in the backseat, squished in with Aiba on the other end; their sides were touching, and it took all of Sho's willpower not to reach out for the other man. Jun was avoiding his gaze, staring down at the screen of his cell-phone without really pressing any buttons, and either Aiba was oblivious or too exhausted to take note. Sho stared out the windows at the buildings as they passed them by, arms screaming, heart pounding; gods, he wanted to touch Jun again more than anything else.
It was torture as the car slowed to a stop, depositing them at the back doors of the hotel.
Sho was sure he'd managed to swallow his heart, because it was thudding from his stomach.
The five of them carried their bags up the stairwell in silence, plodding in a weary, single-file line up the flights. Sho watched as the others opened the doors to their rooms, moving inside with a number of relieved sighs, but he couldn't feel the lessening of nerves. He could only stare down the hall at Jun opening his own door, key poised in his hand.
Could he leave it at that? Everything was screaming in his ears. He'd already taken the biggest risk, hadn't he? What more did he have to fear?
For about three seconds, he believed it; he could believe it, and he took the opportunity to throw his bag into his hotel room without even turning the light on, moving towards Jun's figure half-inside his own room as quickly as possible. He would lose his nerve if he hesitated; one moment, and his courage was gone.
He grabbed Jun's elbow, and darted inside. The door shut behind them with a thud, and neither moved to turn on the lights. Sho could just barely see the outline of Jun's face, his hair, his shoulders against the floral wallpaper.
They moved forward at the same time.
Jun tasted like relief, like coming home; he tasted like all the things Sho tried to hard to say that never came out right, all the chances he hadn't taken and all the things he'd done wrong. Sho just kissed him harder, demanding more, feeling as if he would burst without it- it had already been too long, and too much had happened. If he stopped to think about it, he'd lose everything all over again. Kissing Jun felt like trying to hold sand in-between his fingers, and he was terrified that he would watch it slip away.
Jun nibbled at Sho's bottom lip, and it sent a pang of heat down his chest, to settle in his stomach. He gasped a bit, and Jun moved from his mouth to his earlobe, to the side of his neck, hands sliding down Sho's t-shirt to skip up underneath the fraying hem.
"I'm sorry," Sho whispered, into Jun's hair; the other man was doing something that should be illegal with his tongue against Sho's neck. "I-"
"Me, too," Jun said. He moved back to Sho's mouth, and his tongue ran across Sho's bottom lip, fingers playing against his stomach.
"I never- I never meant," Sho tried, but everything was getting very difficult to concentrate on. Everything was happening very quickly, and his brain couldn't catch up with the deftness of Jun's hands. The other man groaned a little, the sound lingering in the back of his throat, and ground his hips against Sho's. "Christ-"
"Ah," Jun breathed, more moan than anything else. Sho rocked back against Jun's weight, involuntarily; he was painfully aroused, seeking friction.The half of his brain not consumed by the man in front of him, the man kissing him like his life depended on it- that half was in hyper overdrive trying to process what was happening. It was flashing before him like police lights on the highway, and he couldn’t get anything to sharpen into focus in his field of vision.
Jun must have sensed something- either that, or Sho’s breathing had rapidly gotten ragged- because the other man moved back to Sho’s mouth, kissing him in short, chaste bursts. His hands, however, did not stop their roving ministrations; his fingers delved beneath the waistline of Sho’s pants, skimming across the skin.
“Wait,” Sho managed to choke out, as Jun’s fingers moved lower still and brushed against the front of his boxers. “Wait, Jun-“
“Please,” Jun said, one hand moving to Sho’s hip like an anchor. “Let me do what I’ve wanted to do for ten years.”
It was impossible to fight against that- Sho let his head fall back against the wall, thudding lightly. He kept repeating that it was Jun in front of him, it was Jun working his way down and unbuckling his pants, and then all of a sudden the realization that it was Jun brought on a new wave of panic, which only multiplied when Jun’s hands found their way underneath the fabric of his underwear altogether.
Sho tried to say something, but the words caught in his throat, and all that came out was a garbled mess of gibberish half-laced with a moan. Jun’s mouth was making trailing kisses down from his navel, until Sho’s length was engulfed in warmth; it nearly made his knees give out, from sheer sensation overload, and he fisted his hand in Jun’s hair to help steady as well as control the rhythm.
He didn’t think about moving to the bed only feet away. He didn’t think about the noises that he was currently making, nor if the neighbors could hear them. All he could think about was how Jun’s mouth was working around his cock, and his Jun’s tongue was twirling in some absolutely delicious fashion, and how Jun knew very well what he was doing- Sho wasn’t entirely sure how to feel about that, because he felt like the odd-man out in Kindergarten all over again, like he’d missed a lesson and was terribly behind on something.
“Ah,” he groaned, because he couldn’t do anything else. His fingers tightened around Jun’s hair. He was having trouble catching his breath, let alone vocalizing any thoughts. “Ah, Jun-“
Unconsciously, his hips were moving in time with Jun’s mouth. The sides of his vision were going foggy, back arching involuntarily.
“Shit,” he hissed, as all of a sudden, out of nowhere, everything bubbled in an overflow of heat. The orgasm rippled, so strong it was almost painful- he sputtered out a moan, and then his knees really did give out. He slid down the side of the wall as Jun disentangled himself, hitting the ground hard and not really caring. His nerves were still tingling with fuzzy afterglow as Jun knelt in front of him, hands on either side of his face. He was kissing Sho’s jaw-line lightly.
“I really am sorry,” Sho said, when he could find his voice again; he was mostly talking about the weeks of terrible tension between them, but he also felt a bit guilty about not giving Jun any warning before he came. The other man didn’t seem put-off by it, so he figured he could let it go.
“I know,” Jun sighed, resting his forehead against Sho’s.
“I didn’t- I didn’t know,” Sho finished, lamely.
Jun pulled back a little way, and Sho felt sheepish meeting his eyes. He wasn’t entirely sure how to deal with the whole situation- just a minute earlier, Jun had been on his knees in front of him, and to be honest, the realization was going to take some getting used to. Hey, so we’ve got another concert in two days, and you just sucked my cock? Wanna go over the choreography again?
He inhaled deeply, hoping to steady himself.
“Do you want to take a shower?” Jun asked suddenly.
“What?” Sho asked.
“I mean, to actually take a shower,” the other man laughed a little. Jun stood, and offered his hand out for Sho. Sho’s pants were still around his ankles, which was more than a little awkward. In the darkness, he was glad the heat on his face wasn’t visible.
“Yeah,” he answered. The idea of a hot shower against his aching muscles sounded like heaven.
And Jun didn’t let go of his hand as they made their way into the bathroom.
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He flipped through the channels, finding nothing worth watching. Vanessa sighed, detangling herself from where she was curled against him. “If you’re not going to stick with one thing, I’m going home.”
“No, no, stay here,” he mumbled, grabbing her hand while she tried to get up. “Please?”
“Well, okay. But if I’m asleep when you come in, then that means I’m asleep,” she teased, ruffling his hair and heading off for his bedroom. “Good night.”
“Night.”
He slouched down more on the sofa, rubbing his eyes. He was tired, but not tired enough to sleep. Things had been weird since his fight with Ashley. He still hadn’t had the guts to break up with Vanessa, and he felt like a complete ass for staying with her when his heart wasn’t fully in it, but it was nice to have someone to talk to, someone to share his bed with.
It was hard to characterize what he felt. He wasn’t depressed, not exactly. It had almost been a year after all, and his career was finally righting itself after those tense months. But his personal life was neither happy nor profoundly unhappy. It was like being adrift at sea with no wind, in the doldrums, stagnating.
He kept clicking through the channels, the television screen bright in the darkened living room. There was some late night show, and he settled on that. “It’s time for our time honored international segment,” the host announced to the cheering crowd. “The ‘What the Hell is Wrong with You’ segment!”
The audience clapped as the host introduced a video clip. “In this video, we’ve got some Japanese guys…why is it always Japan?” There was plenty of laughter. “Anyhow, these guys decided to build a boat out of PVC piping to try and float it to Tokyo Bay. Yeah, I’m serious! Let’s check it out.”
Zac gripped the remote tightly as the video opened on a shot of not just “Japanese guys” but Sho and Jun together in a PVC pipe boat, rowing it down a river. The clip wasn’t subtitled, but the audience was roaring as first Sho and then Jun toppled out into the water. He shut the TV off, stumbling in the dark living room to his laptop.
He pulled up YouTube, searching for Arashi and PVC boat and getting quite a few hits. There was no need for a translation. He watched Jun and Sho work together with some staff members to tie piping together, then the video cut to them putting the boat in the water. There were a few people Zac didn’t recognize, but Jun and Sho were the focal point of the video.
Even dressed in life jackets with towels on their heads, it was hard to deny that these two guys were close. But they were constantly patting each other on the back while building the boat, then they hugged excitedly when the boat was revealed at the dock. From what Jun had told him all those months ago, he and Sho were never very touchy feely with one another. Something had changed. It was in their eyes, and in the familiarity and warmth in their voices when they worked together. Even when they were rowing the failure of a boat, they encouraged one another. Towards the end, they were bailing water out of the boat, and Sho dumped a whole bucket over Jun’s head. Where the Jun that Zac knew would have been furious, he instead laughed, a laugh that brightened his whole face.
They were more than friends now. That had to be it.
Okay, he thought, closing the laptop. That was a stretch. It was a leap. But it wasn’t an act, that much he was sure of. Jun was happy. He was riding in a goofy boat with someone he’d been friends with for years, and he was just happy. Wasn’t that what he should want for the other man? For him to simply be happy?
It wasn’t really fair though. They’d both suffered so much, had to endure scorn and criticism, and yet Jun had moved on. He was living his life, doing silly stuff to entertain the Japanese audiences, but where was Zac’s life? Was Jun just more proactive than he was?
No, he thought. No, it had nothing to do with Jun. It was his life to live. He had his own decisions to make. And asking Ashley to lighten his burdens or telling Vanessa to stay over was inexcusable. He had to live the way he needed to. He was a coward, and he needed to face the unpleasant reality of what he had to do. Living a lie, staying in a relationship he didn’t want, it was just going to keep him adrift, paralyzed. Seeing Jun’s happiness had triggered something within him.
He opened the bedroom door, kneeling down beside the bed where Vanessa was fast asleep. Running his fingers over her face for what he knew would be the last time, his eyes itched as he watched her stir. “I said let me sleep…”
Holding her hand, it was time to finally be decisive. “Vanessa, we need to talk.”
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One year later
Even at night, with the moon shining down and the bright lights of the Boardwalk lit up just behind them on the horizon-line, it was warm; Santa Monica pier was still alive with activity and noise. It was nice to be somewhere else- it was nice to be somewhere where they could walk around without getting recognized. It was so rare that they got the opportunity to mingle without being mobbed, and it was one of the things that Jun liked best about America.
"Do you think Aiba will ever make it back to the hotel?" Sho asked thoughtfully, hands in his pockets. A couple of children ran past them, giggling and shrieking, and the two parted to allow them access through. When they fell back into step together, Jun let his arm brush Sho's a bit- just being able to do that was liberating.
"Probably not," Jun answered.
"If he misses the movie premiere tomorrow, Nagase is going to kill him," Sho laughed. "I mean, how long has he been 'sight-seeing' now? 12 hours?"
Jun thought maybe Aiba was just trying to give him and Sho a bit of privacy- Aiba's comment of "no worries, no worries, I'm just here to see America, you guys just hang out on your own!" had rung a little too planned to be casual- and he really didn't mind it. The three had arrived in California a day earlier to attend Nagase's newest movie premiere; supporting their senpai was important, especially when most of Arashi had fallen into the acting business full-throttle themselves. Jun and Sho truthfully hadn't seen much outside of the hotel room yet, but Santa Monica pier was beautiful. The circulating neon lights of the ferris wheel ahead of them were bright against the dark purple hues of the sky.
It was almost like having someone else's life for a few days- stolen moments amongst Americans who didn't know who they were.
"It's nice," he commented aloud. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Sho turn to look at him, and he didn't need to look to see the ghost of a smile on the other man's features.
"It is," Sho agreed. They continued in silence for awhile, passing restaurants and a few outdoor food stands set up under wide umbrellas. Beyond the pier, the water was reflecting the moon, and the glassy surface distorted the image so that it looked wobbly and melting. It was calm, something Jun hadn't felt in a long time with his schedule; it was moments like that where he was reminded that taking it easy is sometimes just as valuable as working hard.
Sho stopped, pointing towards one of the open-air stands.
"Ice cream?" he asked.
"Sure," Jun said. They'd stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, and he didn't want to get in anyone's way. He gestured out towards the fence overlooking the water. "I'll wait for you over there."
Sho gave him a wave, and meandered over to wait in line, and Jun moved over towards the edge of the walkway, looping his arms over the fence and gazing out at the starlight rippling on the crest of the gentle waves. There was an elderly couple down the way, holding hands and smiling at him, and he gave them a smile back before turning to lean against the fence instead, watching the people as they passed. It was always interesting to see the assortment in America- everyone was different, and there was so much variance in the physical features. It made people-watching especially enjoyable, especially on such a nice night.
The line Sho was stuck in seemed to have stopped entirely. Jun sighed a bit, and glanced to his right-
-only to have his heart stop in his throat when he found a pair of all-too familiar blue eyes staring back at him.
There was a very long moment in which he could have sworn that time stood still; it did around him, at least, as his heart ceased beating. It felt like someone had punched him and stolen the wind from his lungs. He struggled to breathe, to right himself, to move beyond the onslaught of memories and completely debilitating panic that had swept over his form.
Zac walked towards him until he was only a few steps away, and then stopped. He looked as unsure as Jun felt, hands shoved deep into his sweatshirt pocket.
Jun thought he should say something, but his heart was clogging his throat, and he couldn't make out any of the words. They stood for a long time in silence.
"I-" Zac started. His tone warbled a bit. "I didn't expect to see you here."
"Yeah," Jun answered. His hands were shaking, so he turned back around to face the water again, in an attempt to disguise it. His stomach was clenching tightly in nervous anticipation, and he'd forgotten how much he hated the feeling.
The other man moved to the fence as well, mirroring Jun's pose. His hair was longer, and swept over his forehead, and occasionally the breeze picked up a few tendrils to play with. Jun still remembered what it had felt like to run his hands through it.
"How have you been?" Zac asked, quieter this time. Jun was relieved he was speaking in English- maybe he'd forgotten most of the Japanese he'd learned, or maybe it was just easier, but whatever the case, using English helped make it feel a little more distant, a little more like Jun could separate himself from the situation.
"Good," Jun answered in kind. "You?"
"Good."
Another pause, this one longer and more pronounced. The tightening in Jun's abdomen was lessening, but he still wasn't sure what to say- I've missed you? I hated you for awhile? I got your letter, sorry I never responded, even though it was forever ago? The thing he most wanted to say was a simple thank you, but even those words died on his tongue. It seemed stupid to say now, after everything, even if it was true. Maybe Zac wouldn't understand it. Maybe he would.
Maybe Jun would never know, just like he could never know what could have been, had the situation been different.
It didn't hurt as much anymore. In fact, it hadn't hurt at all in a long time, and even when he sometimes thought back on the memories, it was more in quiet appreciation than remorse. He didn't regret what they'd had. Zac had done a lot for him.
He just couldn't think of anything to say, so he didn't say anything.
Eventually, his phone vibrated in his pocket, startling him; he reached in to take it out, expecting something from Aiba- "I'm lost!" or "Very very danger!". Instead, it was a message from Sho.
Confused, Jun looked up- Sho had been just across the path from him waiting in line. The line had moved at some point during the awkward silence Jun had been immersed in, and now the other man was nowhere in sight. Jun looked back down at his phone, flipping the face open.
Take whatever time you need. I'll be waiting by the benches.
He couldn't have stopped the smile if he'd wanted to. He closed the device, and pocketed it again. Zac was looking at him with an expression he couldn't read.
"I should probably get back," Jun said.
"Me, too," Zac said. "Ashley is waiting for me."
Jun turned and began to walk, and then stopped. There had to be something- something he could say. He whirled, and the other man was already moving away from him.
"Zac!" he called. Zac turned. "It was nice to see you."
For a moment, he feared it was the wrong thing to say, and then Zac's face broke into a grin- a real grin, a true smile. Jun smiled back, and he didn't have to fake it. Zac gave him a little salute, still grinning, and then turned again, walking in the opposite direction down the boardwalk. Jun watched him for a moment before heading towards the benches they had passed earlier.
Sho handed him the ice cream when he sat down.
"Are you okay?" he asked.
"Yeah," Jun answered. "I'm great."
The ice cream was melting a bit, dribbling over the side. Sho put his arm around Jun's shoulders, squeezing a bit, and Jun licked the rivulets of sugar off of the cone before they hit his hand.
It was impossibly sweet.
--fin--
Chapter: 12/12
Fandom: Arashi
Character, Pairing(s): Matsumoto Jun/Zac Efron, Matsumoto Jun/Sakurai Sho
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Language, sexual situations.
The weeks leading up to the concert had not been entirely pleasant.
Sho was avoiding him almost completely; what had been an easy companionship with lunch dates and movies had dissipated entirely into two people who only spoke when mandated by television cameras. And since the blow-out in the green room, Sho hadn't spoken to Nino, either. Jun felt bad in a way, because it was largely his fault- obviously the others had picked up on something, enough, anyway, of what had happened between him and Sho, and were reacting accordingly. But the group dynamics were shot to hell, and it was his fault.
The guilt about disrupting Arashi felt heavier and more sick-inducing than the guilt wracking him over what he did to Sho.
After the rehearsal the night before, Jun had stayed up to watch the videos feeling like he wanted to die. If any of the tension was obvious on stage, it was on his shoulders; he didn't want to be responsible for Arashi putting on a sub-par concert because of his personal affairs. He'd watched the moves over and over again, until WISH melted into Kaze no mukou e, and he'd fallen into a fitful sleep against the still-made comfortor of the hotel bed.
And now he was paying for it, with lines beneath his eyes and a weariness in his limbs.
There was little he could do once the concert started. They had fake smiles plastered on for the audience, and a bounce in their steps that was fueled nearly entirely by adrenaline. That part was easy; that part was acting, and Jun was good at acting. Every time he passed by Sho in the choreography, he willed the memories of pushing him up against the door away. He willed everything away except the bass pounding beneath the soles of his boots.
There were certain things expected at Arashi concerts- fanservice was what they were known for. So Nino grabbed Ohno's butt a couple of times, and Aiba got on Sho's shoulders for a piggy-back ride, and Jun grabbed Nino's hand while they were dancing. All that was expected. All that was required.
But it was a little hard to keep the grin on his face when he knew the tension riding just under the surface of everything was due to his own actions.
Near the end of the concert, during the last encore, he ended up next to Sho for the entirety of the last song. Even the buzz from the anxiety was wearing thin in his veins. He was worried- worried he hadn't done enough, worried the fans could see what was going on; it was that worry that was causing his muscles to bunch and coil, his stomach to clench. He had to make sure that everything was okay- he couldn't deal with the consequences if it wasn't, if something was noticeably off.
So he did what he was best at, and acted.
He put his arm around Sho's shoulders, so at least the other man knew what he was doing- a quick squeeze to the joint to tell him that it was just for the fans, the hands waving at the edge of the stage and the wide eyes waiting with anticipation. It was just to ease the knot of nerves that had refused to leave Jun's abdomen since the concert began.
He leaned in to kiss Sho on the forehead.
It was a simple enough gesture- and it never failed to work, despite the easily platonic undertones to it. They all did it because of that, and they all knew how to best work it, how to best spin it; it was an easy way to appease the fans- and, by extension, Johnny- without having to really put their reputations on the line.
Except Sho moved into the kiss, and their noses bumped.
It hurt and Jun's eyes watered immediately on instinct- he withdrew his arm while trying to laugh as obviously as possible; if he was overacting, then so be it. It was better than the alternative. He wanted to smack Sho on the head, because the other man had known what he was doing- it was a practiced move, a known resort, and the idiot had shifted right into the middle of it. But when Jun was trying his best to laugh it off, he managed to meet Sho's gaze- and he wasn't sure what exactly he was seeing there.
Sho had known what he was doing- right?
Jun's chest was constricting, so he moved across the stage to safer territory next to Aiba. It was almost over, and the nightmare would end for at least a day, and he could go collapse in the bus with his headphones on and try to scrape together ten minutes where he wasn't thinking about the five hundred ways he'd screwed up his relationship with Sho. He didn't want to think about why Sho had deliberately botched the fanservice routine, or what had been hidden in his expression, beneath the stage-smile.
He was breathless by the time the last encore song ended, and it was only half because of the hours spent belting into his microphone.
It was dark backstage, amidst the costume changes strewn haphazardly and the speakers piled on top of one another, but Jun's feet knew the way to move without requiring too much conscious thought. He was so lost in his own thoughts that he nearly yelped when a hand shot out of nowhere and grabbed his arm, dragging him to the left in-between several heavy curtains and the scaffolding for the catwalks.
--------
To say that Sho didn't know what he was doing would be an understatement.
He just reacted, without thinking about it, pulling Jun into the shadows with him after the concert. He was exhausted, and his legs ached, and he was covered in sweat- well, maybe it was the fact that he was so tired that gave him the resolve he needed to do something about the awkwardness that had been brewing between them for weeks. Maybe it was the fact that any mask he could have had was in tatters due to the stress of everything that let him finally do something.
Jun had taken a chance, hadn't he? Weeks ago, when he kissed him- it had been brave. Sho owed him at least answering, as it were, the gesture.
The other man was just staring at him, visible only a bit in the dim lighting between the heavy curtains, staring at him like a deer in the headlights. Christ, Sho had really done a number, hadn't he- Jun was terrified. Terrified of rejection, terrified of prolonging the anguish- Sho should have said something weeks ago, done something immediately, rather than let it go on like this.
Sho wanted to blame Nino; he wanted to blame Zac, Jun, anyone but himself, because it was the hardest to deal with. Ultimately, he could find no one else to pin the situation on.
His hands tightened unconsciously around Jun's arm, and he struggled to find the words.
He'd grabbed him for a reason, hadn't he? Pulled him into the secluded area, and here he was, unable to figure out what he'd even been intending to say. He'd never been this bad at planning; Jun tended to make his head fuzzy, coherency something he was forced to chase after.
But Sho just stood there, staring, because there was nothing but blankness in his mind. He had to fix things- he had to try- and he could think of nothing that would express what he wanted to convey.
Nino used to say that Sho thought too much- that Sho overthought everything and created unnecessary stress upon himself. Sho was not much in the mood to think Nino had anything right, but it was a bit difficult to deny the truth to that particular statement. So the obvious solution was to stop thinking- stop overanalyzing.
So he did; he just did what his body wanted to do.
He leaned forward to kiss Jun.
There was a long moment when Jun didn't move- he'd probably shocked the other man as much as he'd shocked himself. Even without volition, his hands were moving to tangle in Jun's hair, to brush against the side of Jun's jaw-line. He'd be brave, too; he'd take the risk. There was so little left to lose anymore, anyway. And then Jun gasped, a strange half-strangled sound against Sho's mouth, like he was so full of relief his entire figure shuddered and uncoiled at once, and his arms moved around Sho's chest, his shoulders, tightening as Jun kissed him back.
He hadn't planned it very well- a split-second later, not even long even to constitute an entire moment, there were footsteps very near to their position, and they sprang apart instinctively. It was too close; they were too exposed, even in the darkness. Sho ran a hand through his hair, and still couldn't find anything to say. Maybe there wasn't anything.
Jun gave him one last unreadable expression, and fled from the shadows. Sho waited a moment, trying to compose himself, before following.
Rather than the anxious knot in his stomach, his nerves were alight with adrenaline. Every fiber of his form was screaming at him- what now? What did it mean? Jun had kissed him back, was it not hopeless after all? Nothing would, nothing could, get answered backstage, with the stagehands running around and the convention center draining its occupants. The green room was fluttering with activity when they got back, and Sho had to shove his things into his bag with haste just to exit the room in time to follow the others out to the cars.
The atmosphere was awful during the ride back to the hotel. He had unfortunately ended up next to Jun in the backseat, squished in with Aiba on the other end; their sides were touching, and it took all of Sho's willpower not to reach out for the other man. Jun was avoiding his gaze, staring down at the screen of his cell-phone without really pressing any buttons, and either Aiba was oblivious or too exhausted to take note. Sho stared out the windows at the buildings as they passed them by, arms screaming, heart pounding; gods, he wanted to touch Jun again more than anything else.
It was torture as the car slowed to a stop, depositing them at the back doors of the hotel.
Sho was sure he'd managed to swallow his heart, because it was thudding from his stomach.
The five of them carried their bags up the stairwell in silence, plodding in a weary, single-file line up the flights. Sho watched as the others opened the doors to their rooms, moving inside with a number of relieved sighs, but he couldn't feel the lessening of nerves. He could only stare down the hall at Jun opening his own door, key poised in his hand.
Could he leave it at that? Everything was screaming in his ears. He'd already taken the biggest risk, hadn't he? What more did he have to fear?
For about three seconds, he believed it; he could believe it, and he took the opportunity to throw his bag into his hotel room without even turning the light on, moving towards Jun's figure half-inside his own room as quickly as possible. He would lose his nerve if he hesitated; one moment, and his courage was gone.
He grabbed Jun's elbow, and darted inside. The door shut behind them with a thud, and neither moved to turn on the lights. Sho could just barely see the outline of Jun's face, his hair, his shoulders against the floral wallpaper.
They moved forward at the same time.
Jun tasted like relief, like coming home; he tasted like all the things Sho tried to hard to say that never came out right, all the chances he hadn't taken and all the things he'd done wrong. Sho just kissed him harder, demanding more, feeling as if he would burst without it- it had already been too long, and too much had happened. If he stopped to think about it, he'd lose everything all over again. Kissing Jun felt like trying to hold sand in-between his fingers, and he was terrified that he would watch it slip away.
Jun nibbled at Sho's bottom lip, and it sent a pang of heat down his chest, to settle in his stomach. He gasped a bit, and Jun moved from his mouth to his earlobe, to the side of his neck, hands sliding down Sho's t-shirt to skip up underneath the fraying hem.
"I'm sorry," Sho whispered, into Jun's hair; the other man was doing something that should be illegal with his tongue against Sho's neck. "I-"
"Me, too," Jun said. He moved back to Sho's mouth, and his tongue ran across Sho's bottom lip, fingers playing against his stomach.
"I never- I never meant," Sho tried, but everything was getting very difficult to concentrate on. Everything was happening very quickly, and his brain couldn't catch up with the deftness of Jun's hands. The other man groaned a little, the sound lingering in the back of his throat, and ground his hips against Sho's. "Christ-"
"Ah," Jun breathed, more moan than anything else. Sho rocked back against Jun's weight, involuntarily; he was painfully aroused, seeking friction.The half of his brain not consumed by the man in front of him, the man kissing him like his life depended on it- that half was in hyper overdrive trying to process what was happening. It was flashing before him like police lights on the highway, and he couldn’t get anything to sharpen into focus in his field of vision.
Jun must have sensed something- either that, or Sho’s breathing had rapidly gotten ragged- because the other man moved back to Sho’s mouth, kissing him in short, chaste bursts. His hands, however, did not stop their roving ministrations; his fingers delved beneath the waistline of Sho’s pants, skimming across the skin.
“Wait,” Sho managed to choke out, as Jun’s fingers moved lower still and brushed against the front of his boxers. “Wait, Jun-“
“Please,” Jun said, one hand moving to Sho’s hip like an anchor. “Let me do what I’ve wanted to do for ten years.”
It was impossible to fight against that- Sho let his head fall back against the wall, thudding lightly. He kept repeating that it was Jun in front of him, it was Jun working his way down and unbuckling his pants, and then all of a sudden the realization that it was Jun brought on a new wave of panic, which only multiplied when Jun’s hands found their way underneath the fabric of his underwear altogether.
Sho tried to say something, but the words caught in his throat, and all that came out was a garbled mess of gibberish half-laced with a moan. Jun’s mouth was making trailing kisses down from his navel, until Sho’s length was engulfed in warmth; it nearly made his knees give out, from sheer sensation overload, and he fisted his hand in Jun’s hair to help steady as well as control the rhythm.
He didn’t think about moving to the bed only feet away. He didn’t think about the noises that he was currently making, nor if the neighbors could hear them. All he could think about was how Jun’s mouth was working around his cock, and his Jun’s tongue was twirling in some absolutely delicious fashion, and how Jun knew very well what he was doing- Sho wasn’t entirely sure how to feel about that, because he felt like the odd-man out in Kindergarten all over again, like he’d missed a lesson and was terribly behind on something.
“Ah,” he groaned, because he couldn’t do anything else. His fingers tightened around Jun’s hair. He was having trouble catching his breath, let alone vocalizing any thoughts. “Ah, Jun-“
Unconsciously, his hips were moving in time with Jun’s mouth. The sides of his vision were going foggy, back arching involuntarily.
“Shit,” he hissed, as all of a sudden, out of nowhere, everything bubbled in an overflow of heat. The orgasm rippled, so strong it was almost painful- he sputtered out a moan, and then his knees really did give out. He slid down the side of the wall as Jun disentangled himself, hitting the ground hard and not really caring. His nerves were still tingling with fuzzy afterglow as Jun knelt in front of him, hands on either side of his face. He was kissing Sho’s jaw-line lightly.
“I really am sorry,” Sho said, when he could find his voice again; he was mostly talking about the weeks of terrible tension between them, but he also felt a bit guilty about not giving Jun any warning before he came. The other man didn’t seem put-off by it, so he figured he could let it go.
“I know,” Jun sighed, resting his forehead against Sho’s.
“I didn’t- I didn’t know,” Sho finished, lamely.
Jun pulled back a little way, and Sho felt sheepish meeting his eyes. He wasn’t entirely sure how to deal with the whole situation- just a minute earlier, Jun had been on his knees in front of him, and to be honest, the realization was going to take some getting used to. Hey, so we’ve got another concert in two days, and you just sucked my cock? Wanna go over the choreography again?
He inhaled deeply, hoping to steady himself.
“Do you want to take a shower?” Jun asked suddenly.
“What?” Sho asked.
“I mean, to actually take a shower,” the other man laughed a little. Jun stood, and offered his hand out for Sho. Sho’s pants were still around his ankles, which was more than a little awkward. In the darkness, he was glad the heat on his face wasn’t visible.
“Yeah,” he answered. The idea of a hot shower against his aching muscles sounded like heaven.
And Jun didn’t let go of his hand as they made their way into the bathroom.
-------
He flipped through the channels, finding nothing worth watching. Vanessa sighed, detangling herself from where she was curled against him. “If you’re not going to stick with one thing, I’m going home.”
“No, no, stay here,” he mumbled, grabbing her hand while she tried to get up. “Please?”
“Well, okay. But if I’m asleep when you come in, then that means I’m asleep,” she teased, ruffling his hair and heading off for his bedroom. “Good night.”
“Night.”
He slouched down more on the sofa, rubbing his eyes. He was tired, but not tired enough to sleep. Things had been weird since his fight with Ashley. He still hadn’t had the guts to break up with Vanessa, and he felt like a complete ass for staying with her when his heart wasn’t fully in it, but it was nice to have someone to talk to, someone to share his bed with.
It was hard to characterize what he felt. He wasn’t depressed, not exactly. It had almost been a year after all, and his career was finally righting itself after those tense months. But his personal life was neither happy nor profoundly unhappy. It was like being adrift at sea with no wind, in the doldrums, stagnating.
He kept clicking through the channels, the television screen bright in the darkened living room. There was some late night show, and he settled on that. “It’s time for our time honored international segment,” the host announced to the cheering crowd. “The ‘What the Hell is Wrong with You’ segment!”
The audience clapped as the host introduced a video clip. “In this video, we’ve got some Japanese guys…why is it always Japan?” There was plenty of laughter. “Anyhow, these guys decided to build a boat out of PVC piping to try and float it to Tokyo Bay. Yeah, I’m serious! Let’s check it out.”
Zac gripped the remote tightly as the video opened on a shot of not just “Japanese guys” but Sho and Jun together in a PVC pipe boat, rowing it down a river. The clip wasn’t subtitled, but the audience was roaring as first Sho and then Jun toppled out into the water. He shut the TV off, stumbling in the dark living room to his laptop.
He pulled up YouTube, searching for Arashi and PVC boat and getting quite a few hits. There was no need for a translation. He watched Jun and Sho work together with some staff members to tie piping together, then the video cut to them putting the boat in the water. There were a few people Zac didn’t recognize, but Jun and Sho were the focal point of the video.
Even dressed in life jackets with towels on their heads, it was hard to deny that these two guys were close. But they were constantly patting each other on the back while building the boat, then they hugged excitedly when the boat was revealed at the dock. From what Jun had told him all those months ago, he and Sho were never very touchy feely with one another. Something had changed. It was in their eyes, and in the familiarity and warmth in their voices when they worked together. Even when they were rowing the failure of a boat, they encouraged one another. Towards the end, they were bailing water out of the boat, and Sho dumped a whole bucket over Jun’s head. Where the Jun that Zac knew would have been furious, he instead laughed, a laugh that brightened his whole face.
They were more than friends now. That had to be it.
Okay, he thought, closing the laptop. That was a stretch. It was a leap. But it wasn’t an act, that much he was sure of. Jun was happy. He was riding in a goofy boat with someone he’d been friends with for years, and he was just happy. Wasn’t that what he should want for the other man? For him to simply be happy?
It wasn’t really fair though. They’d both suffered so much, had to endure scorn and criticism, and yet Jun had moved on. He was living his life, doing silly stuff to entertain the Japanese audiences, but where was Zac’s life? Was Jun just more proactive than he was?
No, he thought. No, it had nothing to do with Jun. It was his life to live. He had his own decisions to make. And asking Ashley to lighten his burdens or telling Vanessa to stay over was inexcusable. He had to live the way he needed to. He was a coward, and he needed to face the unpleasant reality of what he had to do. Living a lie, staying in a relationship he didn’t want, it was just going to keep him adrift, paralyzed. Seeing Jun’s happiness had triggered something within him.
He opened the bedroom door, kneeling down beside the bed where Vanessa was fast asleep. Running his fingers over her face for what he knew would be the last time, his eyes itched as he watched her stir. “I said let me sleep…”
Holding her hand, it was time to finally be decisive. “Vanessa, we need to talk.”
------
One year later
Even at night, with the moon shining down and the bright lights of the Boardwalk lit up just behind them on the horizon-line, it was warm; Santa Monica pier was still alive with activity and noise. It was nice to be somewhere else- it was nice to be somewhere where they could walk around without getting recognized. It was so rare that they got the opportunity to mingle without being mobbed, and it was one of the things that Jun liked best about America.
"Do you think Aiba will ever make it back to the hotel?" Sho asked thoughtfully, hands in his pockets. A couple of children ran past them, giggling and shrieking, and the two parted to allow them access through. When they fell back into step together, Jun let his arm brush Sho's a bit- just being able to do that was liberating.
"Probably not," Jun answered.
"If he misses the movie premiere tomorrow, Nagase is going to kill him," Sho laughed. "I mean, how long has he been 'sight-seeing' now? 12 hours?"
Jun thought maybe Aiba was just trying to give him and Sho a bit of privacy- Aiba's comment of "no worries, no worries, I'm just here to see America, you guys just hang out on your own!" had rung a little too planned to be casual- and he really didn't mind it. The three had arrived in California a day earlier to attend Nagase's newest movie premiere; supporting their senpai was important, especially when most of Arashi had fallen into the acting business full-throttle themselves. Jun and Sho truthfully hadn't seen much outside of the hotel room yet, but Santa Monica pier was beautiful. The circulating neon lights of the ferris wheel ahead of them were bright against the dark purple hues of the sky.
It was almost like having someone else's life for a few days- stolen moments amongst Americans who didn't know who they were.
"It's nice," he commented aloud. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Sho turn to look at him, and he didn't need to look to see the ghost of a smile on the other man's features.
"It is," Sho agreed. They continued in silence for awhile, passing restaurants and a few outdoor food stands set up under wide umbrellas. Beyond the pier, the water was reflecting the moon, and the glassy surface distorted the image so that it looked wobbly and melting. It was calm, something Jun hadn't felt in a long time with his schedule; it was moments like that where he was reminded that taking it easy is sometimes just as valuable as working hard.
Sho stopped, pointing towards one of the open-air stands.
"Ice cream?" he asked.
"Sure," Jun said. They'd stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, and he didn't want to get in anyone's way. He gestured out towards the fence overlooking the water. "I'll wait for you over there."
Sho gave him a wave, and meandered over to wait in line, and Jun moved over towards the edge of the walkway, looping his arms over the fence and gazing out at the starlight rippling on the crest of the gentle waves. There was an elderly couple down the way, holding hands and smiling at him, and he gave them a smile back before turning to lean against the fence instead, watching the people as they passed. It was always interesting to see the assortment in America- everyone was different, and there was so much variance in the physical features. It made people-watching especially enjoyable, especially on such a nice night.
The line Sho was stuck in seemed to have stopped entirely. Jun sighed a bit, and glanced to his right-
-only to have his heart stop in his throat when he found a pair of all-too familiar blue eyes staring back at him.
There was a very long moment in which he could have sworn that time stood still; it did around him, at least, as his heart ceased beating. It felt like someone had punched him and stolen the wind from his lungs. He struggled to breathe, to right himself, to move beyond the onslaught of memories and completely debilitating panic that had swept over his form.
Zac walked towards him until he was only a few steps away, and then stopped. He looked as unsure as Jun felt, hands shoved deep into his sweatshirt pocket.
Jun thought he should say something, but his heart was clogging his throat, and he couldn't make out any of the words. They stood for a long time in silence.
"I-" Zac started. His tone warbled a bit. "I didn't expect to see you here."
"Yeah," Jun answered. His hands were shaking, so he turned back around to face the water again, in an attempt to disguise it. His stomach was clenching tightly in nervous anticipation, and he'd forgotten how much he hated the feeling.
The other man moved to the fence as well, mirroring Jun's pose. His hair was longer, and swept over his forehead, and occasionally the breeze picked up a few tendrils to play with. Jun still remembered what it had felt like to run his hands through it.
"How have you been?" Zac asked, quieter this time. Jun was relieved he was speaking in English- maybe he'd forgotten most of the Japanese he'd learned, or maybe it was just easier, but whatever the case, using English helped make it feel a little more distant, a little more like Jun could separate himself from the situation.
"Good," Jun answered in kind. "You?"
"Good."
Another pause, this one longer and more pronounced. The tightening in Jun's abdomen was lessening, but he still wasn't sure what to say- I've missed you? I hated you for awhile? I got your letter, sorry I never responded, even though it was forever ago? The thing he most wanted to say was a simple thank you, but even those words died on his tongue. It seemed stupid to say now, after everything, even if it was true. Maybe Zac wouldn't understand it. Maybe he would.
Maybe Jun would never know, just like he could never know what could have been, had the situation been different.
It didn't hurt as much anymore. In fact, it hadn't hurt at all in a long time, and even when he sometimes thought back on the memories, it was more in quiet appreciation than remorse. He didn't regret what they'd had. Zac had done a lot for him.
He just couldn't think of anything to say, so he didn't say anything.
Eventually, his phone vibrated in his pocket, startling him; he reached in to take it out, expecting something from Aiba- "I'm lost!" or "Very very danger!". Instead, it was a message from Sho.
Confused, Jun looked up- Sho had been just across the path from him waiting in line. The line had moved at some point during the awkward silence Jun had been immersed in, and now the other man was nowhere in sight. Jun looked back down at his phone, flipping the face open.
Take whatever time you need. I'll be waiting by the benches.
He couldn't have stopped the smile if he'd wanted to. He closed the device, and pocketed it again. Zac was looking at him with an expression he couldn't read.
"I should probably get back," Jun said.
"Me, too," Zac said. "Ashley is waiting for me."
Jun turned and began to walk, and then stopped. There had to be something- something he could say. He whirled, and the other man was already moving away from him.
"Zac!" he called. Zac turned. "It was nice to see you."
For a moment, he feared it was the wrong thing to say, and then Zac's face broke into a grin- a real grin, a true smile. Jun smiled back, and he didn't have to fake it. Zac gave him a little salute, still grinning, and then turned again, walking in the opposite direction down the boardwalk. Jun watched him for a moment before heading towards the benches they had passed earlier.
Sho handed him the ice cream when he sat down.
"Are you okay?" he asked.
"Yeah," Jun answered. "I'm great."
The ice cream was melting a bit, dribbling over the side. Sho put his arm around Jun's shoulders, squeezing a bit, and Jun licked the rivulets of sugar off of the cone before they hit his hand.
It was impossibly sweet.
--fin--