your lipstick his collar, dont bother angel, i kno exactly what goes on....
oh man, ive been singing this song all day. long time no update amigos. ive been occupied with the drama of being 16, eh, it happens.
life is...interesting? some things are extremely good and others are the polar opposite.
sean hates me :(
he thinks i led him on. he wont even talk to me. i have so many things that i wish i could say to him but, the words never seem to come out right, i just make things worse. so, i guess ill leave him alone for a while. the truth with that whole thing is, i never led him on, intentionally at least. i understand that he feels like i got rid of him once i found someone new but, it just seemed to happen at the same time. i guess hes right, as far as the whole physical contact(not so much sexual, just holding hands and things of that nature) think goes, i do like that. i guess i just didnt feel that with him but, i didnt really realize it till now, maybe because for a while the mental and emotional contact was there. i dont know how to explain to him how i feel thought. im not lying, i REALLY dont want a boyfriend ( i guess he assumes that ivan is close to a boyfriend?, idk). things with me and sean just didnt feel right anymore. it lost all its fun. its strange, i dont remember what we were talking about but my dad goes " i feel bad for sean, he thought that he could keep up eith you". what he meant was i never stop to, im constantly out and running around. sean was the guy that was content sitting home and watching tv wiht a few close friends, im the kind of person that woudl rather be out partying all the time. it lost its fun. i guess i thought that if we are nothing but friends it can work bc we dont feel commited to do these things with each other. BUT, he doesnt want to be my friends and mayyybbbeeee i dont blame him. im suck.
as for the ivan situation. i dont really even know how we started talking really. its only been like a week but, things are good. we can go out and have fun, kiss, and talk on the phone..minus the whole stressfullness of a relationship. neither of us want a bf/gf at the moment, were just having fun. its mutually understood that we can do whatever we please with whoever we please (for the time being at least) and its cool. we have alot in common which is good. we're both into each other (as far as i know anywayz), idk how else to explain it any other way than that: were just having fun and we'll see where it goes.
work has gotten alot better as far as being there. everyone is in a slgithly more "cheery" mood than they have been even thought we still wish john was around. louie started full time now which is good becuase that means jerry(my boss) isnt up my ass as much. lou is a really sweet guy and everyone else is cool, no complaints in that department. but, the bad part of the work thing as that jerry keeps fucking with my schedule. im supposed to work tuesday, thursday, friday, sunday 4-9. we had talked about me taking more hours on sunday. now...its tuesday, thurday, friday and every OTHER sunday 4-9. AND, he told me not to come in today (things like this scare me, i like my job, i dont want to have to find another 1).
since i dont have work today i think im gonna catch up on my reports for school then go christmas shopping with joe feola and jen tennis. (im so slow, i have like NO xmas gifts yet and NO prom stuff(hair/ nail appt., dress) )
school sucks pretty bad, my grades are dropping miserably. i understand NOTHING in algebra 2. i got a 20 on my last test and i bet i got like a 10 on the test i took yesterday, its horrible. my parents said once xmas is over theyll get me a tutor. i DONT want to have to go to summer school for the 2nd time in 3 years. ugh. i think my history grade went down severely too. i just cant wait till wednesday (12 days off for xmas), i need a break.
jakkis been punished (bad girl :P) and sean hates me. so basically i havent done too much lately. ive been hanging out with rocco and ivan alot i guess. me and troy have been getting along alot better lately (like i can actually use the "friend" word when i talk about him ).idk, i dont have too many real friends these days. i miss pat and jess ALOT. and i wish i saw annie and my nutley friends more too. i feel like no1 has time for me anymore. ::sighs::
my parents have been up my ass more than u could possibly believe. this 11pm curfew thing is really getting old. AND FUCKING 6:00 ON SCHOOL DAYS. its rediculous. i feel like a prisoner. and my moms like PMSing ALL the time lately (and my dad will do anything to make her win when me and her aruge: for instance last night he forced me to go tot he store with him and my brother bc my mom didnt want me home wiht her). she gave me shit for going to ivans bc she barely knos him but, i can NEVER have people in out house bc "its too small". whatever.
hm. idk what im doing this weekend. any suggestions? i have half assed plans but nothings written in stone. i work till 9 on friday, then tom asked me to go out but, idk what im gonna do yet. saturday, id like to go shopping during the day (to look at dresses and xmas gifts), any1 interested in coming? then at night i think im haniging out with erica, ivan, troy and these chicks from old tappan at like 830 (but, i kinda want to go to the show at BAC, any1 going?). sunday, work at 4, thats about it.
sometimes i wonder if being nice gets me anywhere. my friends always ask me why i keep trying with people who arent worth my time, and i guess the answer is bc i feel the need to find the best in every1. i would do ANYTHING for the few friends i do have, and ive been constantly trying to convince my family to have "real" holidays like we used to (we did nothing for thanksgiving and my dad and bro went an bought/decorated the xmas tree themselves). i always thought i was a pretty desecent person but, now im not so sure. according to my sean AND my dad, i dont think about anyone but myself. idk..WHAT DO YOU THINK?, honestly?
wow, am i in a rambling mood or what? damn.
i guess ill save you all for now, maybe ill update some more later about mroe stuff no1 wants to hear
......i just need to keep u in mind ,as something larger than life