Eh. Thank you. I guess.
True Blood. Episode 710.
“FUCK YOU.”
Sure, the actual title was “Thank You,” but let’s call it what it really was: A giant “Fuck You!” to the audience.
I swear I have never seen a show disintegrate so much and so spectacularly in just one season. And I have never seen a series finale that managed to shit on most of main characters, in one way or another.
Before the episode aired, I had a list of things I feared: Bill somehow living, Sookie ending up with her abuser, Sookie losing her faeness, Bill turning human (thanks, asshole, whoever you are, who circulated that as a “spoiler” for weeks and weeks. You cost a lot of people a lot of unnecessary grief. Which, I assume, was the idea.), Eric dying…
In my worst nightmare I could not have imagined that there would be things worse than that. And the show proved me wrong. There are worse things than your favorite characters dying.
There is more than one way to kill a character. You can outright kill them off (after prolonged torture of your audience with the interminable platitudes and goodbye speeches so oily they practically drip), or you can assassinate them but turning them unrecognizable and impossible to root for.
And I swear I would have preferred option 1 for my favorites. Because option 2 is infinitely worse.
***
So … here’s what happened, for those who still want to bother reading a recap:
We open with Bill at Sookie’s and he wants to reminisce.
Sookie: “If you are feeling this nostalgic, Bill, I’ve got to ask: what the fuck? Because to my mind, nostalgia and suicide don’t mix.”
Oh, honey, he is Bill! He’ll wring every last drop of cheep nostalgia and fake sentiment out of any situation. Surely you’ve noticed this trait of his! Bill goes on and on about how all of this is for Sookie’s own good. And how, since she just can’t quit him and his brand of abuse, he’s gotta off himself. Right, Bill. Way to make her feel like shit even more than she already does.
Sookie: “You are choosing to die, because I’ve got no self-respect?”
Oh, no, no, he tells her! What he really means is that this disease has made him feel more human than ever, and he’s just all so lonesome for the family graves, including his own… So … it’s NOT for Sookie, then? Get your cover story straight, Bill!
Oh, no, wait, it IS about Sookie! He wants her to procreate, you see! With him, she’ll never have a rugrat! ‘Cause no one has ever heard of adoption or in-vitro.
Oh, and here’s the kicker: The dick wants Sookie to kill him. To use her Great Ball of Fire! Because that’s how you show love: You make the one you already informed you are committing this suicide for DO THE ACTUAL DEED!
Dear Bill Compton, we have to talk:
I have never been more glad that a character is a pile of goo. I am metaphorically dancing on your grave. I have been through a lot of shows, but I have never hated, despised and loathed a character as much as you.
Please, kindly, rot in hell.
Sincerely,
Me.
Bill: “Use your light on me, and you’ll be done with vampires forever!”
Right, Bill. Because no vampire has ever been interested in any plain human. Cough*Jessica/Hoyt*cough*Arlene/Keith*cough*Lafayette/James*cough*FUCK YOU BILL!*cough.
Certainly. The only way a vampire will want Sookie Stackhouse is if she is still quarter-fae (or however much is there). And somewhere at the Bellefleur mansion half-fae Adilyn is hiding under the bed while a line of vampire suitors forms at her door and stretches all the way to Shreveport … oh, wait!
See, Sookie, Bill just wants you to have a normal life! A normal life that will start as soon as you kill him, naturally. But details, details. A normal life. Normality. You know, that thing everyone should aspire to. That thing that his pasty Antebellum ass, after about a hundred years of killing, raping, and pimping women, sees as the only plausible happy ending for a female he loves ooooh sooooo much!
What the hell has happened to this show that was once all about he “otherness”? What happened to its stance on embracing what you are, on celebrating all kinds of decidedly not societally accepted ways of life? Fuck you, Brian Buckner, for taking this and destroying it all in order to propagate your hetero-normative, patriarchal mentality.
***
Oh, good. We leave Bill to his pre-dying moaning, and thankfully move to Fangtasia. This, at least, ought to be better.
No. Wait. Spoke too soon! It’s not.
Eric and Pam briefly recall that they are actually vampires and can take on Gus and co. in 2 minutes flat. Well, that’s good. But Eric also has a plan. He’s been jilted, you see! The girl don’t love him, so his brittle feelings tell him he’s gotta chuck 6 years of character development into a proverbial crapper and regress to the soulless asshole we all though he was when we first met him. He decides that Jr. has a sound business plan, one worth stealing. After all, why work for the Mafia when you can BE Mafia: Peddle false hope to sick vampires, duping them into barely maintaining their lives instead of getting the cure, while he gets richer and richer.
Do these writers even remember Nora? The sister that died in Eric’s arms of FUCKING HEP-V?!! Are we supposed to buy that Eric - ERIC! -- would EVER do this to other vampires?!! That a proud Viking, descendent of kings, progeny of Godric, would sink this low?
Fuck you, show!
Pam is all about that plan, of course. Because it’s not like she has a life, a desire, a conscience, or a thought of her own that doesn’t involve Eric or does involve empathy for anyone else. Terrific. Just terrific. Thank you for that, show! Did I say FUCK YOU enough?
They hatch a plan, Sarah is let go (for the time being), Mr. Jr. and his Yakuza are disposed of in a matter of seconds, only proving that this particular plot device could have been done with 3 episodes ago if these writers knew what to do with the characters or the story.
The rest of the Yakuza come for Sookie, but Eric catches up with them and … done. Sookie looks out of the window, but sees nothing. Eric is speeding away in the car full of dead Yakuza. And Sookie will never know. Of course she won’t. No, seriously, fuck you, show!
***
We cut to Sarah Newlin, eating out of the trash. We are supposed to cheer for her current condition, right? But you know what? The show somehow managed to make me feel bad for her. Congratulations, show.
She is at the Carousel where Eric turned Willa. Oh, hai, mention of Willa! Look! The writers remembered you exist! Sarah got that tidbit from Bill Compton’s ridiculous book. (Seriously, there’s got to be something better to read in Louisiana! They have libraries, right? Amazon?). Pam didn’t know, though, apparently, because being a narcissist, she only read about herself. I am kind of shocked she skipped the Eric parts, truth be told. Isn’t she all about Eric? Huh.
Sarah is trying to manipulate Pam into turning her. By pretending to “switch teams.”
Pam: “Are you just gonna be a lesbian now?”
Dear show, we need to talk:
The word you are looking for is “bi-sexual.” I know, it’s a hard, hard word. It’s a word you pretend does not exist. You certainly have never used it. Lesbian? No problem! Gay? Anytime! Bi-sexual? OH NO! We don’t know what that is!
Well, Fucking Show, it is Pam. It is James. It is Steve Newlin. It is Eric. It is your freaking lead actress Anna Paquin! Look it the fuck up!
Mmkay? Thnx!
Pam isn’t buying it. And she got really tetchy about Tara, all of a sudden. Really? Pam! You remember Tara?!! It’s a miracle!
Pam bites viciously, ‘cause she hasn’t been vaccinated yet, or something. Whatever, moving on.
***
Bill is at home when Hoyt and Jessica come in. Hoyt still doesn’t remember shit, but he remembers Bill Compton. Of course he does.
Jessica: “I don’t want you to die, Bill. Is what I came to say.”
And also that she’ll be fine, so don’t you worry about her, Bill, and die already! They weep into each other’s shoulders. No, seriously, die already!
God, I am so bored of Bill. So painfully, terribly, mind-numbingly, soul-crushingly bored. But hey, he decides to entertain us after all! He wants Jessica and Hoyt to get married! Today!
Hoyt’s is all up for it. His “Yessir!” is both nauseating and not surprising. Because the idiot doesn’t remember that this is what broke them up the first time: jumping into things too fast. Jess, at least, seems to grasp the idiocy of it all. And the tackiness. So she tells Bill that this is so far from what she’s ever imagined for herself it’s not even in the same zip code.
Bill: “Jess, he loves you!”
Jessica: “He doesn’t know me! His memories of me start yesterday!”
Bill: “That’s more than enough time to fall in love with someone. If it’s real, it can happen in an instant!”
Me: “Are you shitting me, Bill? No! No it can’t! You can lust after someone instantly, you can get infatuated pretty fast, but you CANNOT love something you DO NOT KNOW!”
God, I hate, hate, HATE this notion of “love at first sight = true love = destiny.” This load of crap is usually item #1 in an abuser’s handbook and completely divorced from any reality. The fact that Bill is pushing this shit is all the proof you need that it’s insidious, harmful, and wrong.
Apparently Bill is very sad that he didn’t get to see his daughter Sarah get married (that will be the same daughter Sarah whose life he refused to save when she was dying of cancer.). And he wants this opportunity with Jessica, so he can know that she is “spoken for.” Because women are property and it helps “the owner” to know that he is passing his into the good hands before he dies. Fuck you, Bill.
Oh yay, a quickie wedding! Who’s excited?!
***
Sookie is having a flashback of herself and Tara as kids. This is SIGNIFICANT, screams the show at us! We drag out the 6-years-buried Gran into that flashback so Sookie will be shown to want to have the “normal.” Because after 7 seasons, we need it rammed into our heads that a) she reeeely reeeely wants it, and b) “normal” is a hetero relationship and a bunch of offspring. Just in case it wasn’t clear.
Gran: “You can have any kind of life you want! There are no limits on you if you don’t put them on yourself!”
Right, as long as what you want is within the “normal” scope. Children, a man at the head of your table (because it’s gotta be the man there), small bigoted town’s approval. But other than that? No limits at all.
So, don’t you worry, little Sook: Boys may be gross, and their thoughts may be a torture to you, and you will spend 6 seasons not dating humans because you can't. But then, in season 7, you will suddenly decide that yes you CAN! And even though the boy in question will also be gross and think you are a "danger whore" and a fangbanger, it won’t matter, because REASONS! And it’s all good from then on! Your telepathy? Won’t matter. It’d be like it never happened! So, buck up, lil’ Sook! Gran is right: There are no limits to the stupidity and inconsistency that awaits you courtesy of Brian Buckner!
Dear show, we need to talk:
The entire premise of both Southern Vampire Mysteries and True Blood was that Sookie’s telepathy made her incapable of having intimate relationships with a human and uniquely suited to be with a vampire (or, in the books, any other supe, because in the books she couldn’t hear Wares or Shifters, either).
Deciding to change the rules of the game in the final inning? It’s not just amateurish, it’s an absolute fail!
The writers aren’t just mediocre, they are utter hacks!
***
We proceed to witness a cute meeting between Sookie and Bridget, and they hit it off. Well, if they’re going to be sisters-in-law - and who doubts that the show isn’t telegraphing just that? - they might as well. Not like we have the time or the writers capable of developing a character organically. Let’s just tell us that these two women who just met a second ago are instantly bffs. Makes about as much sense as anything else in this episode.
Sookie goes on to have a heart-to-heart with Jason. Because it’s the 11th hour and she is still figuring out if being fae is a curse or a blessing. It’s not as if we spent 5 years building up to Sookie embracing who she is or anything, and then another year destroying all the progress.
I will say this: The one character that stays consistent is Jason. He tells Sookie that, whatever she decides to do, he will love her either way. I think I will miss their relationship the most. Talk about something that was allowed to develop and grow organically throughout the seasons. Sigh.
Cell phone interrupts the brother-sister tet-a-tet. It’s Hoyt.
Bridget: “Son of a bitch!”
Me: “Oh, honey, you don’t know the half of it.”
Hoyt asks Jason to be his best man. Right. With the shiner where he punched Jason yesterday still fresh, and what with not remembering their friendship at all, it’s the logical choice. About as logical as this entire wedding to please Daddy.
And Jessica wants Sookie to get her a wedding dress.
Sookie: “What the hell went on last night?!”
Me: “You don’t want to know. Nothing good.”
Sookie is wearing her hair up, a lacy pink number, and she’s got an impromptu “wedding” dress for Jessica. She’s got some killer shoes on, though! Very un-Sookie shoes. The kind Pam would approve of.
***
Bill is dressed for the funeral, more likely, with the sour face to match. Isn’t this a lovely wedding?! Basically Bill has managed to maneuver everyone to reenact his fantasies for him before he dies. Jessica is staging and starring in his dream wedding, and Sookie is staging and starring in his dream funeral. Awesome. Even for Bill, this is a spectacular fit of emotional manipulation and selfishness.
Holly, Arlene, and Andy arrive. Andy is going to preside at the wedding.
He is going to marry Jessica.
In Bill’s house.
He is going to marry the killer of three of his daughters.
In the house they were killed.
This wedding just gets better and better.
Holly and Arlene wonder if Jessica is pregnant. And wouldn’t it be cute to have a tiny baby vamp with tiny fangs. Well, that’s the nightmare imagery that’s gonna fester….
So Bill has something to tell Andy. Like a freaking Don in his Mafioso inspired living room, Bill reminds Andy that they are family. The fact, I am sure, Andy would just as soon forget. So, not surprisingly, when Bill tells Andy the house will go to him after Bill’s death, Andy isn’t eager.
Andy: “I can’t accept this house! For all sorts of reasons!”
Oh, good! You do remember your three daughters from all of 8 months ago. But apparently what Bill wants is for Andy to effectively give the house to Jessica and Hoyt. Andy is happy to do it. That’s right: You don’t move into the house your daughters were killed in. You give it rent-free to the killer.
Hoyt and Jason have a man-talk. Mostly about Bridget. And Harrison Ford. Sure, why not. Hoyt feels like shit, and maybe he should call Bridget … Wait, dude, YOU feel bad?! Screw you! You are marrying another woman a day after you dumped your previous girlfriend! You SHOULD feel like shit, but don’t you drag Bridget into this!
Jason has words of wisdom for Hoyt, ‘cause Jason just figured something out:
Jason: “We got to live every day like it’s our last. If we do that, it puts everything into prescription for us!”
I love you, Jason, never change.
The wedding takes place. Bill walks Jessica “down the isle.” Her “wedding dress” is a cutesy lacy number, more Sookie than Jessica, but that’s understandable. Everyone coos. Violins swell. Andy says the words.
Andy: “Together we are all the most important people in their [Hoyt and Jessica’s] life, and we’ve all played a part in the love that they share today.”
They cut right to Jason. Ahahahahahaha! Did they do this deliberately? Because … ahahahaha!
Oh, and apparently Sookie can hear Bill’s thoughts now. What’s up with that?! And he loves Sookie with everything he’s made of… Which is mostly shit and a giant ego, so, Sookie, you understand now why this love has brought you nothing but grief.
Fuck this show! And the cheap and harmful notion it tries to sell: that love trumps everything, that it’s an excuse for everything, that it is the cure for everything. Fuck this with a cactus.
Jessica and Hoyt exchange vows. Hoyt’s go like this:
Hey I just met you
And this is crazy
But here's my half-wiped mind
So marry me maybe.
And finally and thankfully, this horror show of a wedding is over!
***
Sookie and Jason have another heart-to-heart. Sookie gives Jason sage advice: Sleep with Bridget on her way to the airport. The hell, Sook? But Jason doesn’t want to be girlfriend-fucker no more. Though since Hoyt just got married, it’s all bygones…
Yiyks. They are pushing this last-minute awkward and unnecessary endgame for Jason so hard I can see the scratches on the walls of the narrative where they tried to fit it through. The kind that’s left by a clearly too large piece of furniture that was barely squeezed into a narrow door frame.
***
And speaking of awkward and unnecessary, Sookie goes to talk to that paragon of spiritual guidance, Reverend Daniels.
It’s 11th hour, and she still feels like a God’s mistake. Haven’t we been here two seasons ago? And sure, let the reverend talk her out of un-fairying herself. The reverend who just found out she is a fairy. A dozen platitudes about God and free will, and that scene is over. Problem solved!
Hey, folks! Do any of you remember this guy?
(The gifs belong to http://hahfantastic.tumblr.com/. I found them while searching, so if it’s not okay, I will take them down). :)
Yes, this is the dude you want to guide you on the journey of self-acceptance…
Oh, hey, remember when he was married and hooked up with Lettie Mae? Or, remember when this show was funny INTENTIONALLY?
Yeah, me neither.
***
Sookie decides to kill Bill. She puts on stretchy yellow jumpsuit and takes up her samurai sword that deceased Yakuza left in her front yard … Kidding, she puts on her black lacy funeral dress. You’d think she’d burned that thing after the Warlow fiasco.
There is a dug out hole where Bill’s grave already is. The cello music is playing pervasively and annoyingly in the background. Bill, dude, die already! It’s the final episode and we want something to NOT be about you!
No such luck. We are “treated” to a long, looooooong, I mean LOOOOOOONG scene of Sookie not wanting to let go, and Bill giving her the “it’s time.” Is it, Bill? IS IT?! Oh for the love of!! DIE ALREADY!
He gets into the coffin, thank goodness. There is a photo of him and his daughter in there. Perfectly preserved, naturally. It’s not like it ‘s been in the ground for a 100 years…
Sookie: “I’ll never forget you.”
Me: “That’s ‘cause he won’t die and give you the chance to!”
Sookie readies her Great Ball of Fire. But she can’t do it.
Sookie: “It’s who I am, it’s part of my truth.”
Oh, thank fuck for small miracles! At least she didn’t give up a piece of herself to suit this fucker. Still Not Dead Bill wants to die anyway, whether he gets to take Sook’e faeness with him or not. She breaks off the shovel, climbs into the coffin with him, and … he has to help her stake him.
Here’s my question: Did she have to ruin a perfectly nice dress when he practically staked himself? Couldn’t he have done it days ago and ended all our misery?!” Fuck you, Bill. And ugly splatter. And your goo. And your cello music. Sookie, by all means, cry it out, but you should know: you are a whole lot better off.
Ding Dong the Dick is Dead! Finally and completely.
And it only took 7 seasons.
Dear show, we need to talk:
If you want us to feel pain for this creep, you should have made him less creepy. You should not have made him so completely self-absorbed. You shouldn’t have made him a world champion of self-pity. You should not have made him someone who was so utterly selfish to the very end. You should have made him responsible for his sins. And you certainly should not have made him an utter and deadly bore! The only pain I feel is all for Sookie.
***
Aaaand that’s it, folks, for the present day. We have spent 50 minutes of the final episode of the show on Bill’s protracted dying. Aren’t you glad you invested 7 years into this? I know I am. I’m so happy I could bleed.
And here it is, the time jump, that shit cherry on a garbage cake.
It’s an Infomercial. Directed by none other than Charlain Harris. If any of you doubted that this episode was intended as a middle finger to the certain part of the fandom, her presence should tell you everything you need to know.
I won’t even describe this vomit-fest of an Infomercial. It’s awful, it’s not even remotely funny, though it tries to be.
We are supposed to giggle at this? Eric looks sleazy, he looks oily, he looks, in short, like Mr. Gus Jr. And Pam, well, she is:
They are peddling shit that isn’t a cure but keeps sick vampires coming for more. They are ringing the bell at the stock exchange. They still run Fangtasia for some reason, where we get a glimpse of season 3 Eric, all glassy-eyed on his throne (did they think we wouldn’t notice they recycled the footage?). And they are prostituting Sarah Newlin in the basement. Where she is in a white lacy number, being used for $100,000 a pop.
Let that sink in: Eric, the proud Viking, the character who was pragmatic and a survivor, yes, but who also had honor and integrity, THAT Eric Northman, is now a “used car salesman” and a pimp. He has whored out his integrity for that 3 billion a year. And he’s got nice human trafficking racket on the side….
There isn’t enough vomit I can produce to adequately express how I feel about this.
As I said before, there’s more than one way to kill a character. And Eric Northman is essentially dead. This sleazoid with sleeked back hair pushing New Shit is NOT Eric. This is not the man we got to know over 6 years. This is a pod person wearing his face. And screw that guy, whoever he is.
And Pam. A former sex worker who once took care of her girls, who understood consent, who DEALT in consent! She is now perpetrating forced prostitution?
Fuck all of that. I don’t have the energy, I don’t have the heart, I don’t have the words.
We see Sarah Newlin, bloody and hopeless, hanging on restraints in the Fangtasia basement, losing her mind. She is haunted by Steve who taunts her. He tells her it’s Thanksgiving. And what is she thankful for?
Sarah: “Nothing.”
That’s the last word spoken in the show. How fitting.
Leaving aside what this has done to Eric and Pam as characters - and I will NEVER be okay with that - sexualized slavery as punishment presented to us as a GOOD outcome? As something we are supposed to cheer for?
Fuck you, show!
Oh, and let's not forget that she being taunted by Steve Newlin. Like . . . are we supposed to think this is some kind of Karma? That Steve Fucking Newlin - an absolute atrocity of a person himself - taunting his former wife is what? Funny? Good? Well-deserved?
I had a sick feeling some episodes back when they had Sarah hallucinate "all her dudes" and they made it sound like her biggest sin was having had sex with more than one of them. Because how dare a woman!
So here she is, forever a slave, forever prostituted, a "fitting punishment" to a female villain. While one of the biggest male ones is taunting her from beyond he grave. And THE BIGGEST male one has gotten a violin-scored send off of Papal Funeral proportions.
The amount of misogyny and violence against women wafting off of this show is atrocious.
***
We are out of that basement, but the misogyny hits just keep on coming. The ending shots of the show are a Thanksgiving party at Sookie’s place. And everyone who managed to survive is there. And everyone is paired off! Because that’s the “happy normal.”
We see Jason, still in his “shrine to my dead parents” house (what, he and his wife were too busy having 3 children in 4 years to redecorate?), still in Bon Temps. With Bridget. The Microbiologist. Because, as everyone knows, Bon Temps is the hot-bed of job opportunities for microbiologists! But hey, she is a girl, so it’s only natural she chucked her vocation for 3 kids and an identity-less house in Bum Fuck, Louisiana. Doesn’t everyone?
We see Sam and Nicole, back for a visit, with 2 kids now. You know, Nicole was 20 and a student when she got accidentally knocked up the first time. But sure, who needs to go back to school when you can have another kid right away? She was just out of her teens, a social activist, getting an education, but she is a girl, so it’s only natural she chucked all that for 2 kids and a middle-aged shifter from Bum Fuck, Louisiana. Doesn’t everyone?
And here’s Sookie, pottering around her house, heavily pregnant. It’s still her house, the table is set in her garden, but she is demurely sitting at the side (when she isn't serving food), leaving the place at the head of the table to her man. The man, btw, that we don’t get to meet, or know anything about, other than he’s got a beard. His identity as a person is not important. What’s important is that he is a man, he is the head of Sookie’s family, he presides, and he is her happy ending. This bright, brave woman who undergone a torturous and difficult journey we have been following for 7 seasons, has apparently gotten all a good girl can want: a beardy dude at the head of her table, a pregnant belly, and the acceptance of the bigoted town folk of Bum Fuck, Louisiana. Wouldn't everyone?
[If you are curious (and I wasn’t), this is how little thought Brian Buckner gave to Sookie’s endgame. The beardy fella? Is a crew member, a stunt guy they picked based on the size of his forearms. I kid you not, that’s what Buckner explained in the “post-mortem.” This is how utterly irrelevant this dude was: they didn’t bother to pay an actual actor to play him.]
We get a glimpse of Arlene with Keith (are they having sex, I wonder, or is she still carrying Hep-V? Sure as hell that watered-down shit Eric is pushing won’t be helping them any. But hey! Maybe Bellefleur’s is doing well enough these days so that they can scrape $100,000 together for the basement hit of Sarah?).
We see Willa, who is such an afterthought to these writers, they didn’t even bother to pull a dude for her from the stunt crew.
We see Jessica and Hoyt, still together, naturally. Because you can’t have your main characters uncoupled.
We see Andy taking the other patriarchal place of honor at the opposite end of the table. With Holly by his side.
We see Reverend Daniles and Lettie Mae, all smiles and light. See? Lifetime of addiction? All she needed was for her daughter to die and then forgive her from beyond the grave. It’s simple.
We see Adylin, now a 4-year-old, but still with the same boyfriend. And still no line of vampire suitors. Huh. Weird.
Oh, and there’s Lafayette in there somewhere, but he is not important. He didn’t even merit a speaking line.
As the song swells, the shot pans out, and it’s all so happy, and peppy, and filled with joy, and you just want to celebrate. By setting your TV on fire.
***
Well, that was that.
7 seasons. For this.
Of all the places, Entertainment Weekly had one of the best reviews of this fiasco (and this magazine was so far up Buckner’s butt, I didn’t expect them to see this turd of a finale so clearly!):
“Of course, all the focus on marriage and children during the final season also felt like a cop-out… Worse yet, Bill suggested that his life literally wouldn’t be worth leading if he couldn’t give Sookie children. “We have children,” he says. “Maybe we get to meet our children’s children, but then we pass on, and that, that is a life.”
Aren’t there other ways to define a meaningful existence? Obviously, plenty of people don’t want to have kids, or simply can’t. Some gay and bisexual people believe the very idea of entering into a monogamous relationship is antithetical to the whole idea of queerness. So it’s slightly insulting that the romantic hero of this proudly live-and-let-live show should be so fiercely heteronormative. Both refer to Bill’s death as the only way she can live “a normal life.” How did two of Bon Temps’ proudest outsiders end up wanting so badly to be “normal”? Since when did True Blood develop such a fixed definition of what “normal” is?
….
Once upon a time, True Blood played with gender roles in pretty subversive ways. Women largely run Bon Temps: Maryann once had the power to control the whole town. Lillith once had the power to control Bill. Pam has just as much sway over Eric as he does over her-you could say they have a pretty equal relationship, if only because they’re equally into dominating other people. So it’s a little sad that, in the end, Hoyt brought Jessica home to Daddy, uttering “Yessir!” the whole way, and Jessica admitted that she’s been dreaming about her wedding since she was little. “I may be a vampire, Bill,” she says, “but I am also a girl.” As if the urge to plan a wedding were etched in one’s chromosomes.
… But I can’t help watching that final scene-when Sarah Newlin, now a sex slave, admits that she has “nothing” to be thankful for this Thanksgiving-and realizing that it feels kind of prescient.
“Nothing” was the final word spoken in True Blood’s final episode. Maybe it was fitting: What did this deeply radical show ultimately stand for? Nothing. What did we spend seven seasons watching this show for? Nothing.
I can’t put it any better…
I am grateful to EW for Sarah’s fate for what it is, without glossing it over.
Worse than nothing. A complete reversal and disassembly of everything the show once stood for. Once touted by its creator as “popcorn for smart people” it ends up being just popcorn. The movie theater kind: stale, over-oiled, and leaving a terrible aftertaste.
***
Here’s a good question I got on Tumblr, that kind of sums it up:
Anonymous asked: “So... Sookie had to drench herself in Bill's death goo and cut Eric out so she could live a "normal life." Fast forward to a lovely T-Day dinner attended by a shifter, 3 vampires, a witch, a half-fairy, plus half-supernatural offspring. All happy, inter-species couples who are prime examples of how to make those relationships work. She kept her vamp-bait faeness and didn't even move away. I don't get why only Eric needed to be ejected from her life, but everything else in it could stay the same.”
Good question. And the answer to that is: The writers are hacks, and lazy ones at that.
Here’s are excerpts from interviews with the show runner that tell the story clearly:
Bucker: “The idea was that we wanted Bill to be correct when he said that Sookie could have a normal life - the twist, of course, being that she chose to keep her powers and persevere,” Buckner explained. “[Book author Charlaine Harris] took a lot of abuse for choosing Sam [in the books]; we felt like it was irrelevant who Sookie wound up with. What we wanted to know was that she was happy and living the live that she wanted to lead. To introduce a stranger in the last five minutes of the finale wouldn’t have made any sense. … We basically cast the man with the best arms from our stunt crew.” (That stunt man’s name was Tim Eulich, in case you’re wondering.)
Let me translate this from Bullshit to Plain: “The idea was that we wanted Bill to be everything, because everything has to be about Bill, including the rest of Sookie’s life. Charlaine Harris took a lot of constructive criticism (that we all interpreted as ‘abuse’ because we are egomaniacs with no talent who don’t like that fact being pointed out to us) for choosing Sam; we were cowards and didn’t want that to happen to us, so we decided that it was irrelevant who Sookie wound up with, as long as we TELL you that she is happy and living the life the show never bother really establishing that she actually wanted. To introduce a stranger in the last five minutes of the finale wouldn’t have made any sense … so we DID IT ANYWAY, we just didn’t bother to give him a name or pay an actual actor! Go us! We went with a stunt guy with the best arms, because we really are that lazy. (His name is Blah-blah-blah, NO ONE is wondering about that!).”
Buckner: “It was all meant to tell the story of a natural course of a human life,” he explained. “What Bill came around to was similar to what Godric came around to. A human life is extraordinary too. … Niall told [Sookie], Bill told her, Gran told her - via flashback in the finale - that you can have any kind of life you want. … The natural cycle of life is beautiful … and death gives life meaning.”
Translation: "We really, really, really wanted this Shit Pile of a Character to have a heroic end. For reasons passing understanding. So, instead of making him actually do something heroic and give his death the meaning we keep insisting it has, we made him into even more of a giant douchehole, who couldn’t even die decently but had to manipulate and disturb everyone’s lives, and then we hoped and prayed people would equate this shit to Godric’s end. Which no one in their right mind did. Darn! And we tried SO HARD! We even dragged Gran out for that shit! What is wrong with you, audience?! Why won’t you accept Bill Compton As Your Heroic Martyr?!"
Buckner: As for not revisiting Eric and Sookie’s romantic history in Season 7, Buckner said it simply wouldn’t have worked as well as it had in Season 4. “When Eric and Sookie [reunited] this season, I was really impressed with the romantic undertones,” he admitted. “But we didn’t go back there because it would have been sloppier, story-telling-wise.”
Translation: “When Eric and Sookie reunited this season, we were shocked - SHOCKED I TELL YOU! - just how good they were together (because we are that out of touch with our own show), but we didn’t go back there because we are also lazy and creatively bankrupt, and we can’t write our way out of a paperback. We would much rather force two unnatural reunions (Sookie/Bill, Hoyt/Jessica) that come out of nowhere. ‘Cause those weren’t sloppy at all!”
I’m just … this guy should not be running a show. He shouldn’t be allowed to write a single episode of anything ever. Not without strict supervision and a crash course in reading comprehension.
Oh, and Godric! He actually invoked Godric! Not only did Godric not asked Eric to kill him, he didn’t even want Eric to witness his death. Because he knew how painful it would be. But also, it doesn’t even work as any kind of a parallel. Godric was 2,000-years-old, he was done. He wasn’t making a grand gesture, he wasn’t trying to even atone for some sins. He just didn’t want to do any of it anymore and cause more pain. And I can talk until I’m blue in the face about how problematic the whole “suicide is romantic” notion in general is, but at least Godric wasn’t justifying his act as anything other than “I’m done and I see no point anymore.”
Bill? He got sick and refused the cure. Like a petulant 5-year-old. He had no suicidal notions before that. He wasn’t doing shit to atone for anything (and no, SAYING how sad he is about all the crap he’s done doesn’t count). And then he proceeded to die slowly and with utmost inconvenience to everyone around him. Godric didn’t want any mess or fuss. Bill created additional tangled messes for all the people in his life. He asked the woman he claimed he was doing this for (way to compound the guilt, Bill!) to actually PERFORM THE ACT OF KILLING! Because sure, let’s traumatize her even further. More than that, he actually wanted her to give up the essential part of herself in the name of some dubious future happiness (that only Bill Compton can see for her!). He made his progeny get married, however little she may have wanted to at the moment…
Are the writers that inept? Do they seriously think that what they created is another Godric? Mind-boggling.
Here are some more “hits” from Zap2it.com interview with Buckner:
Buckner: Was there a version of the finale where Sookie did give up her powers?
That was actually the original version Buckner pitched to HBO, but he was eventually convinced it was a bad idea. “That felt real wrong,” he says. “Her otherness and her specialness was the otherness we chose to protect.”
Right. And then they made her conform to all the other patriarchal norms. And completely belie her telepathy by marrying a human dude whom she can hear.
Buckner: “I don’t think that there was ever a lot of talk about an end game other than people sitting around a room going ‘Bill or Eric?’” Buckner admits. “I think I’ve actually honored all the writers in terms of it not being, ‘Which man will Sookie choose?’ because that was the thing we were pretty leery of, because you immediately alienate everybody who likes the other guy.
Right. Let’s not alienate those 12 people who still like Bill Compton. Let’s alienate EVERYBODY by introducing Random Faceless Beardy Dude with Arms. Woot!
We chose to have Sookie marry any man because it doesn’t really matter who it was.”
Sure. It’s only the premise of the show that she couldn’t be with a human. It’s only 7 years of which VAMPIRE will she choose. It doesn’t really matter. Sure!
Buckner: “There’s been some debate about Bill’s ultimate role in “True Blood” after he tried to make Sookie give up what made her special - aka her fae powers. “Had we had Sookie choose to give up her light, then I think Bill’s story would have been more clearly heroic. But because we didn’t want to go that route, what I had to do was give Bill a secondary motivation for wanting to die,” Buckner says. “It was all meant to tell the story of the natural course of his human life. I think what Bill came around to was similar to what Godric came around to, which is a human life is extraordinary too.”
It was all meant to tell the story … If only Buckner could or would tell a story… And, to quote Eric, “Bill Compton is NO GODRIC!”
Buckner: “I think that he had two reasons for wanting to die, and both were true. The first was Sookie. … Here’s where I think the confusion enters. Sookie has been asking for a normal life, to be normal. She has felt afflicted but also empowered with her power. I don’t think Bill was being a crap weasel for suggesting to Sookie, ‘Use your light.’ … I do believe it was heroic. But he also had to have a secondary reason.”
No, Buckner, Bill WAS being a crap weasel. That’s who you put on screen. If you wanted it to appear differently, you failed. Much like with everything else.
Buckner: “Why didn’t the final season address Eric and Sookie’s relationship more?
"When Eric and Sookie got together this season, I was really impressed with the romantic undertone of the scenes, but it was over. We didn’t go back there because it would have been sloppier, storytelling-wise," Buckner says. "His story as originally conceived honestly ended somewhere around episode 8, and then when I started to write episodes 9 and 10 I needed more complications. … For a while we weren’t even sure we would have him for our finale because of [his ‘Tarzan’ commitment] dates and stuff."
Sure. Blame the scheduling. You had enough time to shoot horrific Infomercial, but not a meaningful resolution to one of the key relationships on the show. Also sure, it would have been sloppier story-telling wise, to give that resolution. Much neater to introduce Bridget… Or reintroduce Hoyt and have him marry Jessica after one day… Or select a random crew member to play the completely unimportant dude the main character marries … You are all about the neat.
Question: “Why did Tara die so early on?”
Buckner: When Buckner wrapped up Season 6, he didn’t expect Tara to die in the premiere of Season 7. But he also realized then that he didn’t have much more to draw from the Tara/Lettie Mae story. “One of my chief complaints about the show we were doing is that we continually promised jeopardy and we never delivered on it,” he says. “I actually didn’t know what to do with [Tara and Lettie Mae] for 10 more episodes. The writing group chose to tell a story about the redemption of Lettie Mae.”
Translation: "I can’t write female characters unless they are hung up on dudes or procreation. I don’t know what to do with them. That’s why Tara had to die."
Question: “Why wasn’t Lafayette more present in the finale?”
Buckner: Blame happiness, apparently. “I don’t know what the scenes would be if we just saw” Lafayette and James happy, Buckner admits. “I’m thrilled that we got Lafeyette true love, but it sort of peaked by episode 5 and 6.”
My translation: "I can’t write non-heterosexual characters, either, even if they are hung up on dudes. They can’t procreate, so … what do you do with them, really?"
Question: “If Buckner could make a “True Blood” spinoff, what would it be about?”
Buckner: "I believe that there is life in Eric and Pam running a multi-national corporation," Buckner says, seemingly against his better judgment.
My translation: "But I CAN write about money-grabbing and human trafficking. Just ask me!"
Question: “Is Buckner proud of the finale?”
Buckner: “Yes. We can’t break story from fear of people are going to be disappointed, and the show had to end somehow,” he admits. “I’m sort of defiantly proud of what we did, with the understanding that you can’t please everybody. You just can’t.”
My translation: "I am defiantly proud of the turd I crapped out. Defiantly. You all people can hate it. I defy your disgust and disdain. I may be an utter hack, but at least I don’t care! Na-na-na-na-na-na!"
***
Sigh. I will end with another quote from the Entertainment Weekly review:
“Perhaps it’s better to live in a world without intellect; there, your expectations would be lower.”
What a sad, sad legacy for the show to leave.
***
Huge thanks to Switchbladekiller (http://switchbladekiller.tumblr.com/) and Cookietookie (http://cookietookie.tumblr.com/) for making awesome images. As stated above, the Reverend Deniels’ Exorcism gifs are from (http://hahfantastic.tumblr.com/). All this work is much appreciated!
“FUCK YOU.”
Sure, the actual title was “Thank You,” but let’s call it what it really was: A giant “Fuck You!” to the audience.
I swear I have never seen a show disintegrate so much and so spectacularly in just one season. And I have never seen a series finale that managed to shit on most of main characters, in one way or another.
Before the episode aired, I had a list of things I feared: Bill somehow living, Sookie ending up with her abuser, Sookie losing her faeness, Bill turning human (thanks, asshole, whoever you are, who circulated that as a “spoiler” for weeks and weeks. You cost a lot of people a lot of unnecessary grief. Which, I assume, was the idea.), Eric dying…
In my worst nightmare I could not have imagined that there would be things worse than that. And the show proved me wrong. There are worse things than your favorite characters dying.
There is more than one way to kill a character. You can outright kill them off (after prolonged torture of your audience with the interminable platitudes and goodbye speeches so oily they practically drip), or you can assassinate them but turning them unrecognizable and impossible to root for.
And I swear I would have preferred option 1 for my favorites. Because option 2 is infinitely worse.
***
So … here’s what happened, for those who still want to bother reading a recap:
We open with Bill at Sookie’s and he wants to reminisce.
Sookie: “If you are feeling this nostalgic, Bill, I’ve got to ask: what the fuck? Because to my mind, nostalgia and suicide don’t mix.”
Oh, honey, he is Bill! He’ll wring every last drop of cheep nostalgia and fake sentiment out of any situation. Surely you’ve noticed this trait of his! Bill goes on and on about how all of this is for Sookie’s own good. And how, since she just can’t quit him and his brand of abuse, he’s gotta off himself. Right, Bill. Way to make her feel like shit even more than she already does.
Sookie: “You are choosing to die, because I’ve got no self-respect?”
Oh, no, no, he tells her! What he really means is that this disease has made him feel more human than ever, and he’s just all so lonesome for the family graves, including his own… So … it’s NOT for Sookie, then? Get your cover story straight, Bill!
Oh, no, wait, it IS about Sookie! He wants her to procreate, you see! With him, she’ll never have a rugrat! ‘Cause no one has ever heard of adoption or in-vitro.
Oh, and here’s the kicker: The dick wants Sookie to kill him. To use her Great Ball of Fire! Because that’s how you show love: You make the one you already informed you are committing this suicide for DO THE ACTUAL DEED!
Dear Bill Compton, we have to talk:
I have never been more glad that a character is a pile of goo. I am metaphorically dancing on your grave. I have been through a lot of shows, but I have never hated, despised and loathed a character as much as you.
Please, kindly, rot in hell.
Sincerely,
Me.
Bill: “Use your light on me, and you’ll be done with vampires forever!”
Right, Bill. Because no vampire has ever been interested in any plain human. Cough*Jessica/Hoyt*cough*Arlene/Keith*cough*Lafayette/James*cough*FUCK YOU BILL!*cough.
Certainly. The only way a vampire will want Sookie Stackhouse is if she is still quarter-fae (or however much is there). And somewhere at the Bellefleur mansion half-fae Adilyn is hiding under the bed while a line of vampire suitors forms at her door and stretches all the way to Shreveport … oh, wait!
See, Sookie, Bill just wants you to have a normal life! A normal life that will start as soon as you kill him, naturally. But details, details. A normal life. Normality. You know, that thing everyone should aspire to. That thing that his pasty Antebellum ass, after about a hundred years of killing, raping, and pimping women, sees as the only plausible happy ending for a female he loves ooooh sooooo much!
What the hell has happened to this show that was once all about he “otherness”? What happened to its stance on embracing what you are, on celebrating all kinds of decidedly not societally accepted ways of life? Fuck you, Brian Buckner, for taking this and destroying it all in order to propagate your hetero-normative, patriarchal mentality.
***
Oh, good. We leave Bill to his pre-dying moaning, and thankfully move to Fangtasia. This, at least, ought to be better.
No. Wait. Spoke too soon! It’s not.
Eric and Pam briefly recall that they are actually vampires and can take on Gus and co. in 2 minutes flat. Well, that’s good. But Eric also has a plan. He’s been jilted, you see! The girl don’t love him, so his brittle feelings tell him he’s gotta chuck 6 years of character development into a proverbial crapper and regress to the soulless asshole we all though he was when we first met him. He decides that Jr. has a sound business plan, one worth stealing. After all, why work for the Mafia when you can BE Mafia: Peddle false hope to sick vampires, duping them into barely maintaining their lives instead of getting the cure, while he gets richer and richer.
Do these writers even remember Nora? The sister that died in Eric’s arms of FUCKING HEP-V?!! Are we supposed to buy that Eric - ERIC! -- would EVER do this to other vampires?!! That a proud Viking, descendent of kings, progeny of Godric, would sink this low?
Fuck you, show!
Pam is all about that plan, of course. Because it’s not like she has a life, a desire, a conscience, or a thought of her own that doesn’t involve Eric or does involve empathy for anyone else. Terrific. Just terrific. Thank you for that, show! Did I say FUCK YOU enough?
They hatch a plan, Sarah is let go (for the time being), Mr. Jr. and his Yakuza are disposed of in a matter of seconds, only proving that this particular plot device could have been done with 3 episodes ago if these writers knew what to do with the characters or the story.
The rest of the Yakuza come for Sookie, but Eric catches up with them and … done. Sookie looks out of the window, but sees nothing. Eric is speeding away in the car full of dead Yakuza. And Sookie will never know. Of course she won’t. No, seriously, fuck you, show!
***
We cut to Sarah Newlin, eating out of the trash. We are supposed to cheer for her current condition, right? But you know what? The show somehow managed to make me feel bad for her. Congratulations, show.
She is at the Carousel where Eric turned Willa. Oh, hai, mention of Willa! Look! The writers remembered you exist! Sarah got that tidbit from Bill Compton’s ridiculous book. (Seriously, there’s got to be something better to read in Louisiana! They have libraries, right? Amazon?). Pam didn’t know, though, apparently, because being a narcissist, she only read about herself. I am kind of shocked she skipped the Eric parts, truth be told. Isn’t she all about Eric? Huh.
Sarah is trying to manipulate Pam into turning her. By pretending to “switch teams.”
Pam: “Are you just gonna be a lesbian now?”
Dear show, we need to talk:
The word you are looking for is “bi-sexual.” I know, it’s a hard, hard word. It’s a word you pretend does not exist. You certainly have never used it. Lesbian? No problem! Gay? Anytime! Bi-sexual? OH NO! We don’t know what that is!
Well, Fucking Show, it is Pam. It is James. It is Steve Newlin. It is Eric. It is your freaking lead actress Anna Paquin! Look it the fuck up!
Mmkay? Thnx!
Pam isn’t buying it. And she got really tetchy about Tara, all of a sudden. Really? Pam! You remember Tara?!! It’s a miracle!
Pam bites viciously, ‘cause she hasn’t been vaccinated yet, or something. Whatever, moving on.
***
Bill is at home when Hoyt and Jessica come in. Hoyt still doesn’t remember shit, but he remembers Bill Compton. Of course he does.
Jessica: “I don’t want you to die, Bill. Is what I came to say.”
And also that she’ll be fine, so don’t you worry about her, Bill, and die already! They weep into each other’s shoulders. No, seriously, die already!
God, I am so bored of Bill. So painfully, terribly, mind-numbingly, soul-crushingly bored. But hey, he decides to entertain us after all! He wants Jessica and Hoyt to get married! Today!
Hoyt’s is all up for it. His “Yessir!” is both nauseating and not surprising. Because the idiot doesn’t remember that this is what broke them up the first time: jumping into things too fast. Jess, at least, seems to grasp the idiocy of it all. And the tackiness. So she tells Bill that this is so far from what she’s ever imagined for herself it’s not even in the same zip code.
Bill: “Jess, he loves you!”
Jessica: “He doesn’t know me! His memories of me start yesterday!”
Bill: “That’s more than enough time to fall in love with someone. If it’s real, it can happen in an instant!”
Me: “Are you shitting me, Bill? No! No it can’t! You can lust after someone instantly, you can get infatuated pretty fast, but you CANNOT love something you DO NOT KNOW!”
God, I hate, hate, HATE this notion of “love at first sight = true love = destiny.” This load of crap is usually item #1 in an abuser’s handbook and completely divorced from any reality. The fact that Bill is pushing this shit is all the proof you need that it’s insidious, harmful, and wrong.
Apparently Bill is very sad that he didn’t get to see his daughter Sarah get married (that will be the same daughter Sarah whose life he refused to save when she was dying of cancer.). And he wants this opportunity with Jessica, so he can know that she is “spoken for.” Because women are property and it helps “the owner” to know that he is passing his into the good hands before he dies. Fuck you, Bill.
Oh yay, a quickie wedding! Who’s excited?!
***
Sookie is having a flashback of herself and Tara as kids. This is SIGNIFICANT, screams the show at us! We drag out the 6-years-buried Gran into that flashback so Sookie will be shown to want to have the “normal.” Because after 7 seasons, we need it rammed into our heads that a) she reeeely reeeely wants it, and b) “normal” is a hetero relationship and a bunch of offspring. Just in case it wasn’t clear.
Gran: “You can have any kind of life you want! There are no limits on you if you don’t put them on yourself!”
Right, as long as what you want is within the “normal” scope. Children, a man at the head of your table (because it’s gotta be the man there), small bigoted town’s approval. But other than that? No limits at all.
So, don’t you worry, little Sook: Boys may be gross, and their thoughts may be a torture to you, and you will spend 6 seasons not dating humans because you can't. But then, in season 7, you will suddenly decide that yes you CAN! And even though the boy in question will also be gross and think you are a "danger whore" and a fangbanger, it won’t matter, because REASONS! And it’s all good from then on! Your telepathy? Won’t matter. It’d be like it never happened! So, buck up, lil’ Sook! Gran is right: There are no limits to the stupidity and inconsistency that awaits you courtesy of Brian Buckner!
Dear show, we need to talk:
The entire premise of both Southern Vampire Mysteries and True Blood was that Sookie’s telepathy made her incapable of having intimate relationships with a human and uniquely suited to be with a vampire (or, in the books, any other supe, because in the books she couldn’t hear Wares or Shifters, either).
Deciding to change the rules of the game in the final inning? It’s not just amateurish, it’s an absolute fail!
The writers aren’t just mediocre, they are utter hacks!
***
We proceed to witness a cute meeting between Sookie and Bridget, and they hit it off. Well, if they’re going to be sisters-in-law - and who doubts that the show isn’t telegraphing just that? - they might as well. Not like we have the time or the writers capable of developing a character organically. Let’s just tell us that these two women who just met a second ago are instantly bffs. Makes about as much sense as anything else in this episode.
Sookie goes on to have a heart-to-heart with Jason. Because it’s the 11th hour and she is still figuring out if being fae is a curse or a blessing. It’s not as if we spent 5 years building up to Sookie embracing who she is or anything, and then another year destroying all the progress.
I will say this: The one character that stays consistent is Jason. He tells Sookie that, whatever she decides to do, he will love her either way. I think I will miss their relationship the most. Talk about something that was allowed to develop and grow organically throughout the seasons. Sigh.
Cell phone interrupts the brother-sister tet-a-tet. It’s Hoyt.
Bridget: “Son of a bitch!”
Me: “Oh, honey, you don’t know the half of it.”
Hoyt asks Jason to be his best man. Right. With the shiner where he punched Jason yesterday still fresh, and what with not remembering their friendship at all, it’s the logical choice. About as logical as this entire wedding to please Daddy.
And Jessica wants Sookie to get her a wedding dress.
Sookie: “What the hell went on last night?!”
Me: “You don’t want to know. Nothing good.”
Sookie is wearing her hair up, a lacy pink number, and she’s got an impromptu “wedding” dress for Jessica. She’s got some killer shoes on, though! Very un-Sookie shoes. The kind Pam would approve of.
***
Bill is dressed for the funeral, more likely, with the sour face to match. Isn’t this a lovely wedding?! Basically Bill has managed to maneuver everyone to reenact his fantasies for him before he dies. Jessica is staging and starring in his dream wedding, and Sookie is staging and starring in his dream funeral. Awesome. Even for Bill, this is a spectacular fit of emotional manipulation and selfishness.
Holly, Arlene, and Andy arrive. Andy is going to preside at the wedding.
He is going to marry Jessica.
In Bill’s house.
He is going to marry the killer of three of his daughters.
In the house they were killed.
This wedding just gets better and better.
Holly and Arlene wonder if Jessica is pregnant. And wouldn’t it be cute to have a tiny baby vamp with tiny fangs. Well, that’s the nightmare imagery that’s gonna fester….
So Bill has something to tell Andy. Like a freaking Don in his Mafioso inspired living room, Bill reminds Andy that they are family. The fact, I am sure, Andy would just as soon forget. So, not surprisingly, when Bill tells Andy the house will go to him after Bill’s death, Andy isn’t eager.
Andy: “I can’t accept this house! For all sorts of reasons!”
Oh, good! You do remember your three daughters from all of 8 months ago. But apparently what Bill wants is for Andy to effectively give the house to Jessica and Hoyt. Andy is happy to do it. That’s right: You don’t move into the house your daughters were killed in. You give it rent-free to the killer.
Hoyt and Jason have a man-talk. Mostly about Bridget. And Harrison Ford. Sure, why not. Hoyt feels like shit, and maybe he should call Bridget … Wait, dude, YOU feel bad?! Screw you! You are marrying another woman a day after you dumped your previous girlfriend! You SHOULD feel like shit, but don’t you drag Bridget into this!
Jason has words of wisdom for Hoyt, ‘cause Jason just figured something out:
Jason: “We got to live every day like it’s our last. If we do that, it puts everything into prescription for us!”
I love you, Jason, never change.
The wedding takes place. Bill walks Jessica “down the isle.” Her “wedding dress” is a cutesy lacy number, more Sookie than Jessica, but that’s understandable. Everyone coos. Violins swell. Andy says the words.
Andy: “Together we are all the most important people in their [Hoyt and Jessica’s] life, and we’ve all played a part in the love that they share today.”
They cut right to Jason. Ahahahahahaha! Did they do this deliberately? Because … ahahahaha!
Oh, and apparently Sookie can hear Bill’s thoughts now. What’s up with that?! And he loves Sookie with everything he’s made of… Which is mostly shit and a giant ego, so, Sookie, you understand now why this love has brought you nothing but grief.
Fuck this show! And the cheap and harmful notion it tries to sell: that love trumps everything, that it’s an excuse for everything, that it is the cure for everything. Fuck this with a cactus.
Jessica and Hoyt exchange vows. Hoyt’s go like this:
Hey I just met you
And this is crazy
But here's my half-wiped mind
So marry me maybe.
And finally and thankfully, this horror show of a wedding is over!
***
Sookie and Jason have another heart-to-heart. Sookie gives Jason sage advice: Sleep with Bridget on her way to the airport. The hell, Sook? But Jason doesn’t want to be girlfriend-fucker no more. Though since Hoyt just got married, it’s all bygones…
Yiyks. They are pushing this last-minute awkward and unnecessary endgame for Jason so hard I can see the scratches on the walls of the narrative where they tried to fit it through. The kind that’s left by a clearly too large piece of furniture that was barely squeezed into a narrow door frame.
***
And speaking of awkward and unnecessary, Sookie goes to talk to that paragon of spiritual guidance, Reverend Daniels.
It’s 11th hour, and she still feels like a God’s mistake. Haven’t we been here two seasons ago? And sure, let the reverend talk her out of un-fairying herself. The reverend who just found out she is a fairy. A dozen platitudes about God and free will, and that scene is over. Problem solved!
Hey, folks! Do any of you remember this guy?
(The gifs belong to http://hahfantastic.tumblr.com/. I found them while searching, so if it’s not okay, I will take them down). :)
Yes, this is the dude you want to guide you on the journey of self-acceptance…
Oh, hey, remember when he was married and hooked up with Lettie Mae? Or, remember when this show was funny INTENTIONALLY?
Yeah, me neither.
***
Sookie decides to kill Bill. She puts on stretchy yellow jumpsuit and takes up her samurai sword that deceased Yakuza left in her front yard … Kidding, she puts on her black lacy funeral dress. You’d think she’d burned that thing after the Warlow fiasco.
There is a dug out hole where Bill’s grave already is. The cello music is playing pervasively and annoyingly in the background. Bill, dude, die already! It’s the final episode and we want something to NOT be about you!
No such luck. We are “treated” to a long, looooooong, I mean LOOOOOOONG scene of Sookie not wanting to let go, and Bill giving her the “it’s time.” Is it, Bill? IS IT?! Oh for the love of!! DIE ALREADY!
He gets into the coffin, thank goodness. There is a photo of him and his daughter in there. Perfectly preserved, naturally. It’s not like it ‘s been in the ground for a 100 years…
Sookie: “I’ll never forget you.”
Me: “That’s ‘cause he won’t die and give you the chance to!”
Sookie readies her Great Ball of Fire. But she can’t do it.
Sookie: “It’s who I am, it’s part of my truth.”
Oh, thank fuck for small miracles! At least she didn’t give up a piece of herself to suit this fucker. Still Not Dead Bill wants to die anyway, whether he gets to take Sook’e faeness with him or not. She breaks off the shovel, climbs into the coffin with him, and … he has to help her stake him.
Here’s my question: Did she have to ruin a perfectly nice dress when he practically staked himself? Couldn’t he have done it days ago and ended all our misery?!” Fuck you, Bill. And ugly splatter. And your goo. And your cello music. Sookie, by all means, cry it out, but you should know: you are a whole lot better off.
Ding Dong the Dick is Dead! Finally and completely.
And it only took 7 seasons.
Dear show, we need to talk:
If you want us to feel pain for this creep, you should have made him less creepy. You should not have made him so completely self-absorbed. You shouldn’t have made him a world champion of self-pity. You should not have made him someone who was so utterly selfish to the very end. You should have made him responsible for his sins. And you certainly should not have made him an utter and deadly bore! The only pain I feel is all for Sookie.
***
Aaaand that’s it, folks, for the present day. We have spent 50 minutes of the final episode of the show on Bill’s protracted dying. Aren’t you glad you invested 7 years into this? I know I am. I’m so happy I could bleed.
And here it is, the time jump, that shit cherry on a garbage cake.
It’s an Infomercial. Directed by none other than Charlain Harris. If any of you doubted that this episode was intended as a middle finger to the certain part of the fandom, her presence should tell you everything you need to know.
I won’t even describe this vomit-fest of an Infomercial. It’s awful, it’s not even remotely funny, though it tries to be.
We are supposed to giggle at this? Eric looks sleazy, he looks oily, he looks, in short, like Mr. Gus Jr. And Pam, well, she is:
They are peddling shit that isn’t a cure but keeps sick vampires coming for more. They are ringing the bell at the stock exchange. They still run Fangtasia for some reason, where we get a glimpse of season 3 Eric, all glassy-eyed on his throne (did they think we wouldn’t notice they recycled the footage?). And they are prostituting Sarah Newlin in the basement. Where she is in a white lacy number, being used for $100,000 a pop.
Let that sink in: Eric, the proud Viking, the character who was pragmatic and a survivor, yes, but who also had honor and integrity, THAT Eric Northman, is now a “used car salesman” and a pimp. He has whored out his integrity for that 3 billion a year. And he’s got nice human trafficking racket on the side….
There isn’t enough vomit I can produce to adequately express how I feel about this.
As I said before, there’s more than one way to kill a character. And Eric Northman is essentially dead. This sleazoid with sleeked back hair pushing New Shit is NOT Eric. This is not the man we got to know over 6 years. This is a pod person wearing his face. And screw that guy, whoever he is.
And Pam. A former sex worker who once took care of her girls, who understood consent, who DEALT in consent! She is now perpetrating forced prostitution?
Fuck all of that. I don’t have the energy, I don’t have the heart, I don’t have the words.
We see Sarah Newlin, bloody and hopeless, hanging on restraints in the Fangtasia basement, losing her mind. She is haunted by Steve who taunts her. He tells her it’s Thanksgiving. And what is she thankful for?
Sarah: “Nothing.”
That’s the last word spoken in the show. How fitting.
Leaving aside what this has done to Eric and Pam as characters - and I will NEVER be okay with that - sexualized slavery as punishment presented to us as a GOOD outcome? As something we are supposed to cheer for?
Fuck you, show!
Oh, and let's not forget that she being taunted by Steve Newlin. Like . . . are we supposed to think this is some kind of Karma? That Steve Fucking Newlin - an absolute atrocity of a person himself - taunting his former wife is what? Funny? Good? Well-deserved?
I had a sick feeling some episodes back when they had Sarah hallucinate "all her dudes" and they made it sound like her biggest sin was having had sex with more than one of them. Because how dare a woman!
So here she is, forever a slave, forever prostituted, a "fitting punishment" to a female villain. While one of the biggest male ones is taunting her from beyond he grave. And THE BIGGEST male one has gotten a violin-scored send off of Papal Funeral proportions.
The amount of misogyny and violence against women wafting off of this show is atrocious.
***
We are out of that basement, but the misogyny hits just keep on coming. The ending shots of the show are a Thanksgiving party at Sookie’s place. And everyone who managed to survive is there. And everyone is paired off! Because that’s the “happy normal.”
We see Jason, still in his “shrine to my dead parents” house (what, he and his wife were too busy having 3 children in 4 years to redecorate?), still in Bon Temps. With Bridget. The Microbiologist. Because, as everyone knows, Bon Temps is the hot-bed of job opportunities for microbiologists! But hey, she is a girl, so it’s only natural she chucked her vocation for 3 kids and an identity-less house in Bum Fuck, Louisiana. Doesn’t everyone?
We see Sam and Nicole, back for a visit, with 2 kids now. You know, Nicole was 20 and a student when she got accidentally knocked up the first time. But sure, who needs to go back to school when you can have another kid right away? She was just out of her teens, a social activist, getting an education, but she is a girl, so it’s only natural she chucked all that for 2 kids and a middle-aged shifter from Bum Fuck, Louisiana. Doesn’t everyone?
And here’s Sookie, pottering around her house, heavily pregnant. It’s still her house, the table is set in her garden, but she is demurely sitting at the side (when she isn't serving food), leaving the place at the head of the table to her man. The man, btw, that we don’t get to meet, or know anything about, other than he’s got a beard. His identity as a person is not important. What’s important is that he is a man, he is the head of Sookie’s family, he presides, and he is her happy ending. This bright, brave woman who undergone a torturous and difficult journey we have been following for 7 seasons, has apparently gotten all a good girl can want: a beardy dude at the head of her table, a pregnant belly, and the acceptance of the bigoted town folk of Bum Fuck, Louisiana. Wouldn't everyone?
[If you are curious (and I wasn’t), this is how little thought Brian Buckner gave to Sookie’s endgame. The beardy fella? Is a crew member, a stunt guy they picked based on the size of his forearms. I kid you not, that’s what Buckner explained in the “post-mortem.” This is how utterly irrelevant this dude was: they didn’t bother to pay an actual actor to play him.]
We get a glimpse of Arlene with Keith (are they having sex, I wonder, or is she still carrying Hep-V? Sure as hell that watered-down shit Eric is pushing won’t be helping them any. But hey! Maybe Bellefleur’s is doing well enough these days so that they can scrape $100,000 together for the basement hit of Sarah?).
We see Willa, who is such an afterthought to these writers, they didn’t even bother to pull a dude for her from the stunt crew.
We see Jessica and Hoyt, still together, naturally. Because you can’t have your main characters uncoupled.
We see Andy taking the other patriarchal place of honor at the opposite end of the table. With Holly by his side.
We see Reverend Daniles and Lettie Mae, all smiles and light. See? Lifetime of addiction? All she needed was for her daughter to die and then forgive her from beyond the grave. It’s simple.
We see Adylin, now a 4-year-old, but still with the same boyfriend. And still no line of vampire suitors. Huh. Weird.
Oh, and there’s Lafayette in there somewhere, but he is not important. He didn’t even merit a speaking line.
As the song swells, the shot pans out, and it’s all so happy, and peppy, and filled with joy, and you just want to celebrate. By setting your TV on fire.
***
Well, that was that.
7 seasons. For this.
Of all the places, Entertainment Weekly had one of the best reviews of this fiasco (and this magazine was so far up Buckner’s butt, I didn’t expect them to see this turd of a finale so clearly!):
“Of course, all the focus on marriage and children during the final season also felt like a cop-out… Worse yet, Bill suggested that his life literally wouldn’t be worth leading if he couldn’t give Sookie children. “We have children,” he says. “Maybe we get to meet our children’s children, but then we pass on, and that, that is a life.”
Aren’t there other ways to define a meaningful existence? Obviously, plenty of people don’t want to have kids, or simply can’t. Some gay and bisexual people believe the very idea of entering into a monogamous relationship is antithetical to the whole idea of queerness. So it’s slightly insulting that the romantic hero of this proudly live-and-let-live show should be so fiercely heteronormative. Both refer to Bill’s death as the only way she can live “a normal life.” How did two of Bon Temps’ proudest outsiders end up wanting so badly to be “normal”? Since when did True Blood develop such a fixed definition of what “normal” is?
….
Once upon a time, True Blood played with gender roles in pretty subversive ways. Women largely run Bon Temps: Maryann once had the power to control the whole town. Lillith once had the power to control Bill. Pam has just as much sway over Eric as he does over her-you could say they have a pretty equal relationship, if only because they’re equally into dominating other people. So it’s a little sad that, in the end, Hoyt brought Jessica home to Daddy, uttering “Yessir!” the whole way, and Jessica admitted that she’s been dreaming about her wedding since she was little. “I may be a vampire, Bill,” she says, “but I am also a girl.” As if the urge to plan a wedding were etched in one’s chromosomes.
… But I can’t help watching that final scene-when Sarah Newlin, now a sex slave, admits that she has “nothing” to be thankful for this Thanksgiving-and realizing that it feels kind of prescient.
“Nothing” was the final word spoken in True Blood’s final episode. Maybe it was fitting: What did this deeply radical show ultimately stand for? Nothing. What did we spend seven seasons watching this show for? Nothing.
I can’t put it any better…
I am grateful to EW for Sarah’s fate for what it is, without glossing it over.
Worse than nothing. A complete reversal and disassembly of everything the show once stood for. Once touted by its creator as “popcorn for smart people” it ends up being just popcorn. The movie theater kind: stale, over-oiled, and leaving a terrible aftertaste.
***
Here’s a good question I got on Tumblr, that kind of sums it up:
Anonymous asked: “So... Sookie had to drench herself in Bill's death goo and cut Eric out so she could live a "normal life." Fast forward to a lovely T-Day dinner attended by a shifter, 3 vampires, a witch, a half-fairy, plus half-supernatural offspring. All happy, inter-species couples who are prime examples of how to make those relationships work. She kept her vamp-bait faeness and didn't even move away. I don't get why only Eric needed to be ejected from her life, but everything else in it could stay the same.”
Good question. And the answer to that is: The writers are hacks, and lazy ones at that.
Here’s are excerpts from interviews with the show runner that tell the story clearly:
Bucker: “The idea was that we wanted Bill to be correct when he said that Sookie could have a normal life - the twist, of course, being that she chose to keep her powers and persevere,” Buckner explained. “[Book author Charlaine Harris] took a lot of abuse for choosing Sam [in the books]; we felt like it was irrelevant who Sookie wound up with. What we wanted to know was that she was happy and living the live that she wanted to lead. To introduce a stranger in the last five minutes of the finale wouldn’t have made any sense. … We basically cast the man with the best arms from our stunt crew.” (That stunt man’s name was Tim Eulich, in case you’re wondering.)
Let me translate this from Bullshit to Plain: “The idea was that we wanted Bill to be everything, because everything has to be about Bill, including the rest of Sookie’s life. Charlaine Harris took a lot of constructive criticism (that we all interpreted as ‘abuse’ because we are egomaniacs with no talent who don’t like that fact being pointed out to us) for choosing Sam; we were cowards and didn’t want that to happen to us, so we decided that it was irrelevant who Sookie wound up with, as long as we TELL you that she is happy and living the life the show never bother really establishing that she actually wanted. To introduce a stranger in the last five minutes of the finale wouldn’t have made any sense … so we DID IT ANYWAY, we just didn’t bother to give him a name or pay an actual actor! Go us! We went with a stunt guy with the best arms, because we really are that lazy. (His name is Blah-blah-blah, NO ONE is wondering about that!).”
Buckner: “It was all meant to tell the story of a natural course of a human life,” he explained. “What Bill came around to was similar to what Godric came around to. A human life is extraordinary too. … Niall told [Sookie], Bill told her, Gran told her - via flashback in the finale - that you can have any kind of life you want. … The natural cycle of life is beautiful … and death gives life meaning.”
Translation: "We really, really, really wanted this Shit Pile of a Character to have a heroic end. For reasons passing understanding. So, instead of making him actually do something heroic and give his death the meaning we keep insisting it has, we made him into even more of a giant douchehole, who couldn’t even die decently but had to manipulate and disturb everyone’s lives, and then we hoped and prayed people would equate this shit to Godric’s end. Which no one in their right mind did. Darn! And we tried SO HARD! We even dragged Gran out for that shit! What is wrong with you, audience?! Why won’t you accept Bill Compton As Your Heroic Martyr?!"
Buckner: As for not revisiting Eric and Sookie’s romantic history in Season 7, Buckner said it simply wouldn’t have worked as well as it had in Season 4. “When Eric and Sookie [reunited] this season, I was really impressed with the romantic undertones,” he admitted. “But we didn’t go back there because it would have been sloppier, story-telling-wise.”
Translation: “When Eric and Sookie reunited this season, we were shocked - SHOCKED I TELL YOU! - just how good they were together (because we are that out of touch with our own show), but we didn’t go back there because we are also lazy and creatively bankrupt, and we can’t write our way out of a paperback. We would much rather force two unnatural reunions (Sookie/Bill, Hoyt/Jessica) that come out of nowhere. ‘Cause those weren’t sloppy at all!”
I’m just … this guy should not be running a show. He shouldn’t be allowed to write a single episode of anything ever. Not without strict supervision and a crash course in reading comprehension.
Oh, and Godric! He actually invoked Godric! Not only did Godric not asked Eric to kill him, he didn’t even want Eric to witness his death. Because he knew how painful it would be. But also, it doesn’t even work as any kind of a parallel. Godric was 2,000-years-old, he was done. He wasn’t making a grand gesture, he wasn’t trying to even atone for some sins. He just didn’t want to do any of it anymore and cause more pain. And I can talk until I’m blue in the face about how problematic the whole “suicide is romantic” notion in general is, but at least Godric wasn’t justifying his act as anything other than “I’m done and I see no point anymore.”
Bill? He got sick and refused the cure. Like a petulant 5-year-old. He had no suicidal notions before that. He wasn’t doing shit to atone for anything (and no, SAYING how sad he is about all the crap he’s done doesn’t count). And then he proceeded to die slowly and with utmost inconvenience to everyone around him. Godric didn’t want any mess or fuss. Bill created additional tangled messes for all the people in his life. He asked the woman he claimed he was doing this for (way to compound the guilt, Bill!) to actually PERFORM THE ACT OF KILLING! Because sure, let’s traumatize her even further. More than that, he actually wanted her to give up the essential part of herself in the name of some dubious future happiness (that only Bill Compton can see for her!). He made his progeny get married, however little she may have wanted to at the moment…
Are the writers that inept? Do they seriously think that what they created is another Godric? Mind-boggling.
Here are some more “hits” from Zap2it.com interview with Buckner:
Buckner: Was there a version of the finale where Sookie did give up her powers?
That was actually the original version Buckner pitched to HBO, but he was eventually convinced it was a bad idea. “That felt real wrong,” he says. “Her otherness and her specialness was the otherness we chose to protect.”
Right. And then they made her conform to all the other patriarchal norms. And completely belie her telepathy by marrying a human dude whom she can hear.
Buckner: “I don’t think that there was ever a lot of talk about an end game other than people sitting around a room going ‘Bill or Eric?’” Buckner admits. “I think I’ve actually honored all the writers in terms of it not being, ‘Which man will Sookie choose?’ because that was the thing we were pretty leery of, because you immediately alienate everybody who likes the other guy.
Right. Let’s not alienate those 12 people who still like Bill Compton. Let’s alienate EVERYBODY by introducing Random Faceless Beardy Dude with Arms. Woot!
We chose to have Sookie marry any man because it doesn’t really matter who it was.”
Sure. It’s only the premise of the show that she couldn’t be with a human. It’s only 7 years of which VAMPIRE will she choose. It doesn’t really matter. Sure!
Buckner: “There’s been some debate about Bill’s ultimate role in “True Blood” after he tried to make Sookie give up what made her special - aka her fae powers. “Had we had Sookie choose to give up her light, then I think Bill’s story would have been more clearly heroic. But because we didn’t want to go that route, what I had to do was give Bill a secondary motivation for wanting to die,” Buckner says. “It was all meant to tell the story of the natural course of his human life. I think what Bill came around to was similar to what Godric came around to, which is a human life is extraordinary too.”
It was all meant to tell the story … If only Buckner could or would tell a story… And, to quote Eric, “Bill Compton is NO GODRIC!”
Buckner: “I think that he had two reasons for wanting to die, and both were true. The first was Sookie. … Here’s where I think the confusion enters. Sookie has been asking for a normal life, to be normal. She has felt afflicted but also empowered with her power. I don’t think Bill was being a crap weasel for suggesting to Sookie, ‘Use your light.’ … I do believe it was heroic. But he also had to have a secondary reason.”
No, Buckner, Bill WAS being a crap weasel. That’s who you put on screen. If you wanted it to appear differently, you failed. Much like with everything else.
Buckner: “Why didn’t the final season address Eric and Sookie’s relationship more?
"When Eric and Sookie got together this season, I was really impressed with the romantic undertone of the scenes, but it was over. We didn’t go back there because it would have been sloppier, storytelling-wise," Buckner says. "His story as originally conceived honestly ended somewhere around episode 8, and then when I started to write episodes 9 and 10 I needed more complications. … For a while we weren’t even sure we would have him for our finale because of [his ‘Tarzan’ commitment] dates and stuff."
Sure. Blame the scheduling. You had enough time to shoot horrific Infomercial, but not a meaningful resolution to one of the key relationships on the show. Also sure, it would have been sloppier story-telling wise, to give that resolution. Much neater to introduce Bridget… Or reintroduce Hoyt and have him marry Jessica after one day… Or select a random crew member to play the completely unimportant dude the main character marries … You are all about the neat.
Question: “Why did Tara die so early on?”
Buckner: When Buckner wrapped up Season 6, he didn’t expect Tara to die in the premiere of Season 7. But he also realized then that he didn’t have much more to draw from the Tara/Lettie Mae story. “One of my chief complaints about the show we were doing is that we continually promised jeopardy and we never delivered on it,” he says. “I actually didn’t know what to do with [Tara and Lettie Mae] for 10 more episodes. The writing group chose to tell a story about the redemption of Lettie Mae.”
Translation: "I can’t write female characters unless they are hung up on dudes or procreation. I don’t know what to do with them. That’s why Tara had to die."
Question: “Why wasn’t Lafayette more present in the finale?”
Buckner: Blame happiness, apparently. “I don’t know what the scenes would be if we just saw” Lafayette and James happy, Buckner admits. “I’m thrilled that we got Lafeyette true love, but it sort of peaked by episode 5 and 6.”
My translation: "I can’t write non-heterosexual characters, either, even if they are hung up on dudes. They can’t procreate, so … what do you do with them, really?"
Question: “If Buckner could make a “True Blood” spinoff, what would it be about?”
Buckner: "I believe that there is life in Eric and Pam running a multi-national corporation," Buckner says, seemingly against his better judgment.
My translation: "But I CAN write about money-grabbing and human trafficking. Just ask me!"
Question: “Is Buckner proud of the finale?”
Buckner: “Yes. We can’t break story from fear of people are going to be disappointed, and the show had to end somehow,” he admits. “I’m sort of defiantly proud of what we did, with the understanding that you can’t please everybody. You just can’t.”
My translation: "I am defiantly proud of the turd I crapped out. Defiantly. You all people can hate it. I defy your disgust and disdain. I may be an utter hack, but at least I don’t care! Na-na-na-na-na-na!"
***
Sigh. I will end with another quote from the Entertainment Weekly review:
“Perhaps it’s better to live in a world without intellect; there, your expectations would be lower.”
What a sad, sad legacy for the show to leave.
***
Huge thanks to Switchbladekiller (http://switchbladekiller.tumblr.com/) and Cookietookie (http://cookietookie.tumblr.com/) for making awesome images. As stated above, the Reverend Deniels’ Exorcism gifs are from (http://hahfantastic.tumblr.com/). All this work is much appreciated!