[paranoia meme]
So I've seen the paranoia meme making the rounds on my f-list again. I wanted to give it a go. Hard to think of a good number to choose, but I'm going to go with 30 13. LAWL I RAN OUT OF STEAM.
PEOPLE CHOSEN ARE A MIXTURE OF F-LIST/PLURK FRIENDS/CROSS-OVER/WHATEVER.
1. I always find myself wanting to talk to you more, but sometimes it's tricky because I don't always know when you'll be online, and my school's connection will not allow me to access IRC for some reason (I guess that detail probably spoils the anonymity, doesn't it?). I think of you a lot, regardless, and I hope I still cross your thoughts, too. Talking to you just gives me such a joyful, giddy feeling, and I love your witty replies and your insightful takes on things. Sometimes I'm amazed that such a cool person as you not only tolerates but genuinely LIKES someone like me, but I'm not sure I've ever expressed what a positive impact your friendship has had on my sense of self-worth.
2. So. I like you. And actually, I miss you, even though I wouldn't say I ever knew you super-duper well. It sounds weird to say this, but sometimes I wonder exactly how you saw (see?) me -- whether I was just a very casual acquaintance to you or someone you counted as quite a bit closer. Of course, I felt weird at the thought of asking, so I never did, and I don't think I ever will. Sometimes you said and did things which made it seem like you saw me as someone special, in a way, but other times, you struck me as more aloof, and then we stopped talking altogether -- apart from the occasional LJ comment. You're a cool person; you are. You were always very nice to chat with. But sometimes. I dunno. Sometimes I just got this vibe that you were not showing all of yourself (which isn't to say I think you're two-faced; you never gave me that vibe, either), and your posts have at times seemed to support this impression. I wish I didn't get such an... awkward edge off you? (I want to say nervous or afraid, but I don't think that's exactly correct) ... because I did like what I saw. And I think, unless I'm grievously misreading you, that you liked me, too. I wish we still talked.
3. You are the hardest person to read I have ever met in my fucking life, man. I do care about you quite a bit. I like you. I want you to be happy. I think you reciprocate all this, and you say you do. You've been an excellent friend to me. But sometimes I feel like I just can't fully read you or your signals. And sometimes I think I worry I give you a wrong impression about certain things, too. I don't want to over-analyze and probe too much into your actions, and I don't want to pester you by asking you a dozen questions about this or that minor thing, but sometimes, you do confuse me a little bit. Still, that doesn't mean I love you any less.
4. Your LJ is fun to read. You are pretty fucking funny, for a start. You know, though? I don't feel as though I've ever seen a really... "personal" side to you, I guess? You're a cool person and I don't mean to suggest this is a flaw in any way, but everything you post has this sort of detached quality to it, like I'm never seeing anything of your non-fandom life. I JUST WONDER WHO THE MYSTERIOUS YOU BEHIND THE CURTAIN IS, I GUESS?
5. I love you so fucking much -- so much that I often worry about the future of our friendship. I've had some intense friendships that began in fandom before, and sometimes they eventually cooled out (although sometimes it's because real life dragged people away from me), and I never want that to happen to us. You are too important to me. Each day, thinking of you makes me feel better about my entire life. I am not exaggerating. Just knowing that I have such a precious connection to someone improves my world.
6. I miss you. I find myself wondering if you ever miss me. Do you ever think of me anymore? Have I been an important friend to you? You were pretty outgoing with anyone and everyone (NOT THAT THIS WAS AT ALL A BAD THING), so I was never sure, but you were/are certainly very important to me. I miss talking to you 24/7. I miss the intensity we shared there for about a year. You were just so fucking awesome in every way and so much fun. I want to talk to you more again . . . when we both can. I don't think you even realize how brilliant you are, do you? As far as I could tell, you never saw it, but dude, if you could see yourself the way I see you -- well. You'd just think you were goddamn amazing, now, really. :|
7. I miss you, too. [Um, I'm noticing a theme on this meme, rofl.] You're a good person. You've been a good friend to me. But dude. I don't know. Sometimes you feel so casually callous about things. I don't even know how to describe it exactly, because I know you're not at all malicious, but sometimes it feels like you just forget about people or lose interest in them (I guess there are people in this world who get the same vibe off me, and hell, maybe you're one of them, so fair enough). You've spent so much time talking to me about your issues, and I don't BEGRUDGE you exactly, because I do care about you, but sometimes, in the back of my mind, I wonder... does she even think/wonder about what I might be going through? Is she even interested? I want to be closer again, but I don't want to force it, and sometimes I feel like I'd just bore you to tears. Regardless, when I think of the people I miss talking to, you're always right up there, along with #6.
8. . . . I sometimes think one of the nasty comments I got on an anon meme once was you. But I can't prove it, obviously, and so I try not to let it influence my thoughts when I see you about. Except the part where it still sort of does. [And this is one of the rare occasions where I can say that if you think this comment is about you, IT ABSOLUTELY IS. So don't bother asking who this is about -- I won't answer, or I'll assume the worst. Let your own mind absolve you, innocent peeps. :B]
9. YOU ARE SO COOL. Oh, man, I love your comments. They make me smile so much. You say the funniest shit ever. I wish I talked about Naruto more now if only so you'd comment more, haha! Also: lesbians. 8')
10. ... most of what I just said in #9 also applies to you. Except maybe the Naruto part, since I suspect you're over that entirely. Haha. But you are another unbearably awesome person. How do I know so many? I miss you, too.
11. I hate that I feel like I alienated you, but it's hard for me to apologize because I don't feel you were always entirely understanding of my position at times. There were moments when I felt you were slightly unfair to me. But I know I didn't really handle things well, either. It's all so in the past now and so irrelevant that I'd really rather just let bygones be bygones. For all I know, maybe they are.
12. You do have a lot of awesome qualities, objectively, but I wish you didn't occasionally give off such "please validate me" vibes. You're certainly not as bad about that as a lot of people, but I get the sense you weigh your closeness to others according to how much they validate you, and that really bothers me. And there are a lot of people I feel this way about to some degree, but also, it's always baffled me -- genuinely baffled me -- that you seem to have such a high opinion of some things I do, because I legitimately don't see the big whoop. And that's not false modesty. But anyway, I guess I don't compliment you a lot because I feel you are the kind of person whose work speaks for itself, and you seem to have a pretty good idea of the worth of your own achievements. I'm more likely to praise people whom I see as underestimating themselves frequently.
13. I want to talk to you more again. You are a beautiful human being and you have been a huge inspiration to me, and, honestly? I don't even think you realize it. You embody coolness and I love your style, how you talk and write and just. Everything about you. I can really only describe you as beautiful.
I'm stopping here. Reason being that my comments got way longer than I intended. Meme is huge. May or may not do a second part, since I feel I missed a lot of potentially interesting observations.
Writing this meme and reading the memes of others, I realized some things
1) I know a lot of amazing people. Like, seriously. Sometimes I feel I am just perpetually basking in the glow of my amazing friends, people who are all so fantastic and brilliant and varied. I mean, there are people I didn't even put on here who I think are fucking amazing, too. And so I'd just be repeating myself, saying AMAZING, OMG, AMAZING over and over again. I feel pleased to know such gifted, lovely individuals. The lot of you continually humble me and make me strive to do better in my life -- both as a friend and as a human being.
2) A part of the reason I decided to do this meme is because sometimes I think we underestimate our impact on other people. Someone just informed me of my position on someone else's meme, and I was really shocked at what the person had to say about me, as I had been unaware they'd ever even paid me much mind. I just spent a while having a heart-to-heart with a girl I've always considered a very close friend, never knowing for sure if they reciprocated to the same degree, only to find that apparently they did. I've had this experience with other friends before, and, again, it's the most awe-inspiring sense of, wow, really? You care about me like that?
So anyway. Maybe I've had some impact on you and I don't know it. Maybe you've had some impact on me and you don't know it. Maybe we wonder about what makes each other tick. Never hurts to share a little bit. Here's to you, my darlings.
PEOPLE CHOSEN ARE A MIXTURE OF F-LIST/PLURK FRIENDS/CROSS-OVER/WHATEVER.
1. I always find myself wanting to talk to you more, but sometimes it's tricky because I don't always know when you'll be online, and my school's connection will not allow me to access IRC for some reason (I guess that detail probably spoils the anonymity, doesn't it?). I think of you a lot, regardless, and I hope I still cross your thoughts, too. Talking to you just gives me such a joyful, giddy feeling, and I love your witty replies and your insightful takes on things. Sometimes I'm amazed that such a cool person as you not only tolerates but genuinely LIKES someone like me, but I'm not sure I've ever expressed what a positive impact your friendship has had on my sense of self-worth.
2. So. I like you. And actually, I miss you, even though I wouldn't say I ever knew you super-duper well. It sounds weird to say this, but sometimes I wonder exactly how you saw (see?) me -- whether I was just a very casual acquaintance to you or someone you counted as quite a bit closer. Of course, I felt weird at the thought of asking, so I never did, and I don't think I ever will. Sometimes you said and did things which made it seem like you saw me as someone special, in a way, but other times, you struck me as more aloof, and then we stopped talking altogether -- apart from the occasional LJ comment. You're a cool person; you are. You were always very nice to chat with. But sometimes. I dunno. Sometimes I just got this vibe that you were not showing all of yourself (which isn't to say I think you're two-faced; you never gave me that vibe, either), and your posts have at times seemed to support this impression. I wish I didn't get such an... awkward edge off you? (I want to say nervous or afraid, but I don't think that's exactly correct) ... because I did like what I saw. And I think, unless I'm grievously misreading you, that you liked me, too. I wish we still talked.
3. You are the hardest person to read I have ever met in my fucking life, man. I do care about you quite a bit. I like you. I want you to be happy. I think you reciprocate all this, and you say you do. You've been an excellent friend to me. But sometimes I feel like I just can't fully read you or your signals. And sometimes I think I worry I give you a wrong impression about certain things, too. I don't want to over-analyze and probe too much into your actions, and I don't want to pester you by asking you a dozen questions about this or that minor thing, but sometimes, you do confuse me a little bit. Still, that doesn't mean I love you any less.
4. Your LJ is fun to read. You are pretty fucking funny, for a start. You know, though? I don't feel as though I've ever seen a really... "personal" side to you, I guess? You're a cool person and I don't mean to suggest this is a flaw in any way, but everything you post has this sort of detached quality to it, like I'm never seeing anything of your non-fandom life. I JUST WONDER WHO THE MYSTERIOUS YOU BEHIND THE CURTAIN IS, I GUESS?
5. I love you so fucking much -- so much that I often worry about the future of our friendship. I've had some intense friendships that began in fandom before, and sometimes they eventually cooled out (although sometimes it's because real life dragged people away from me), and I never want that to happen to us. You are too important to me. Each day, thinking of you makes me feel better about my entire life. I am not exaggerating. Just knowing that I have such a precious connection to someone improves my world.
6. I miss you. I find myself wondering if you ever miss me. Do you ever think of me anymore? Have I been an important friend to you? You were pretty outgoing with anyone and everyone (NOT THAT THIS WAS AT ALL A BAD THING), so I was never sure, but you were/are certainly very important to me. I miss talking to you 24/7. I miss the intensity we shared there for about a year. You were just so fucking awesome in every way and so much fun. I want to talk to you more again . . . when we both can. I don't think you even realize how brilliant you are, do you? As far as I could tell, you never saw it, but dude, if you could see yourself the way I see you -- well. You'd just think you were goddamn amazing, now, really. :|
7. I miss you, too. [Um, I'm noticing a theme on this meme, rofl.] You're a good person. You've been a good friend to me. But dude. I don't know. Sometimes you feel so casually callous about things. I don't even know how to describe it exactly, because I know you're not at all malicious, but sometimes it feels like you just forget about people or lose interest in them (I guess there are people in this world who get the same vibe off me, and hell, maybe you're one of them, so fair enough). You've spent so much time talking to me about your issues, and I don't BEGRUDGE you exactly, because I do care about you, but sometimes, in the back of my mind, I wonder... does she even think/wonder about what I might be going through? Is she even interested? I want to be closer again, but I don't want to force it, and sometimes I feel like I'd just bore you to tears. Regardless, when I think of the people I miss talking to, you're always right up there, along with #6.
8. . . . I sometimes think one of the nasty comments I got on an anon meme once was you. But I can't prove it, obviously, and so I try not to let it influence my thoughts when I see you about. Except the part where it still sort of does. [And this is one of the rare occasions where I can say that if you think this comment is about you, IT ABSOLUTELY IS. So don't bother asking who this is about -- I won't answer, or I'll assume the worst. Let your own mind absolve you, innocent peeps. :B]
9. YOU ARE SO COOL. Oh, man, I love your comments. They make me smile so much. You say the funniest shit ever. I wish I talked about Naruto more now if only so you'd comment more, haha! Also: lesbians. 8')
10. ... most of what I just said in #9 also applies to you. Except maybe the Naruto part, since I suspect you're over that entirely. Haha. But you are another unbearably awesome person. How do I know so many? I miss you, too.
11. I hate that I feel like I alienated you, but it's hard for me to apologize because I don't feel you were always entirely understanding of my position at times. There were moments when I felt you were slightly unfair to me. But I know I didn't really handle things well, either. It's all so in the past now and so irrelevant that I'd really rather just let bygones be bygones. For all I know, maybe they are.
12. You do have a lot of awesome qualities, objectively, but I wish you didn't occasionally give off such "please validate me" vibes. You're certainly not as bad about that as a lot of people, but I get the sense you weigh your closeness to others according to how much they validate you, and that really bothers me. And there are a lot of people I feel this way about to some degree, but also, it's always baffled me -- genuinely baffled me -- that you seem to have such a high opinion of some things I do, because I legitimately don't see the big whoop. And that's not false modesty. But anyway, I guess I don't compliment you a lot because I feel you are the kind of person whose work speaks for itself, and you seem to have a pretty good idea of the worth of your own achievements. I'm more likely to praise people whom I see as underestimating themselves frequently.
13. I want to talk to you more again. You are a beautiful human being and you have been a huge inspiration to me, and, honestly? I don't even think you realize it. You embody coolness and I love your style, how you talk and write and just. Everything about you. I can really only describe you as beautiful.
I'm stopping here. Reason being that my comments got way longer than I intended. Meme is huge. May or may not do a second part, since I feel I missed a lot of potentially interesting observations.
Writing this meme and reading the memes of others, I realized some things
1) I know a lot of amazing people. Like, seriously. Sometimes I feel I am just perpetually basking in the glow of my amazing friends, people who are all so fantastic and brilliant and varied. I mean, there are people I didn't even put on here who I think are fucking amazing, too. And so I'd just be repeating myself, saying AMAZING, OMG, AMAZING over and over again. I feel pleased to know such gifted, lovely individuals. The lot of you continually humble me and make me strive to do better in my life -- both as a friend and as a human being.
2) A part of the reason I decided to do this meme is because sometimes I think we underestimate our impact on other people. Someone just informed me of my position on someone else's meme, and I was really shocked at what the person had to say about me, as I had been unaware they'd ever even paid me much mind. I just spent a while having a heart-to-heart with a girl I've always considered a very close friend, never knowing for sure if they reciprocated to the same degree, only to find that apparently they did. I've had this experience with other friends before, and, again, it's the most awe-inspiring sense of, wow, really? You care about me like that?
So anyway. Maybe I've had some impact on you and I don't know it. Maybe you've had some impact on me and you don't know it. Maybe we wonder about what makes each other tick. Never hurts to share a little bit. Here's to you, my darlings.