Lightless (Song Drabble #10: Sequel to Get Out - Song Drabble #9)
Title: Lightless
Author: himawarixxsandz
Rating: PG-13
Pairing(s): broken!2Jun, JunSeung
Summary: Hyunseung's stolen Doojoon's light.
A/N: TT^TT wow. Wow. WOW. This is completely and utterly chibi_tenten's fault. It's not even funny. All because of this one little part in her comment how she was wondering what Hyunseung's reaction would be and it spurted an entire new drabble in my head so now I'm posting twice in a night. I just literally whipped this up in like half an hour, so it probably sucks, but I wrote it, so I'm posting it. Since Thanksgiving break is short and I'm going to be going through hell a.k.a. AP Bio soon again, I might as well. Also, I just realized that most of the time, I have no clue what the characters are thinking. Like, that's probably why I love analytical comments so much. Because half of the time, like almost utterly in this drabble, I'm just writing down what the boys are doing, but I don't know why they're doing it. In longer one-shots or multi-chaps where I HAVE to know what they're doing in order to write, it's different, but in these drabbles, I don't get much time to explore and I think that's the whole point. So if you want to analyze their reasons, go ahead because I'd love to hear your guys' takes on them. It's up for discussion ^-^
Lightless
Junhyung is quiet while you take cotton pads soaked with medicine and press them against the cuts on his face. He even holds the box for you, handing you the things you ask for as you go along. “I don’t love him,” he whispers, insistently, even though it sounds more to convince himself than you.
“I know,” you say leniently because he’s already been knocked around enough for one night-he needs sleep and possibly alcohol. He doesn’t need you agitating his frame of mind anymore than it’s already been.
“I love you more,” he goes on and once again, it feels like he’s trying to convince himself more than you.
“I know,” you repeat and kiss his lips before you move on to patting the cotton against a bruise on his cheek.
I’m standing here
You laugh as he catches you around the waist and both of you nearly crash into the stereo set in the corner of the studio. He doesn’t let go, switching your positions around so that he lands on the floor first and you tumble on down after him. You lean against the mirror wall of the dance room and he sits down next to you, panting just like you are.
You’re about to tease him again, but there’s a ringing sound, and Junhyung takes out his phone-scanning through a text message. His eyebrows furrow a little and he looks at you apologetically. “Sorry,” he says. “I have to go now.”
“Why?” you ask, opening a bottle of water.
He waves his cell phone playfully and smiles, “Boyfriend.”
The bottle of water freezes midair.
Just blankly looking at your back
“You’re with someone?” you say.
He nods-grins. “Yeah.”
From your words
You drive Junhyung home with you because you don’t trust him to drive himself home, and you don’t trust him to be alone right now either. When Junhyung is upset, he’s destructive and you’re pretty sure that Doojoon needs his space right now too. The last thing that needs to happen is Junhyung getting drunk-Junhyung driving drunk-Junhyung finding Doojoon-and Junhyung and Doojoon fighting it out until one of them actually gets hurt.
Junhyung’s arms wrap around your waist in bed and he buries his face against your neck, close enough for you to smell the medicine on his cuts and bruises. “I’m sorry,” he whispers.
You sigh, and bite your lip.
I don’t really know what to do
Sometimes you wonder-if you’d never done what you did, you wonder if Junhyung would’ve somehow found his own way to you without Doojoon getting hurt. Without Junhyung hurting himself.
You wonder if you caused unnecessary pain and damage just because you were all too selfish-all too impatient.
My heart that is getting darker
But then you entertain the possibility of Junhyung never finding his way to you-staying with Doojoon forever-and that selfish, disgusting, hateful part of you is happy.
You’re terrible-you’re cruel and horrible.
You’re happy that it happened (happy that you broke them apart).
Because imagining your life without Junhyung (even those terrible months when you had to share him), is like living without any light.
In an instant
“Doojoonie-” Junhyung starts with a whisper, almost confused, when your lips are inches away from his-when your bodies are flushed and right up against each other, clothes begging to be torn off, eyes heavy with need and want and too much that’s been pent up resisting for the past few weeks.
“Doesn’t need to know,” you finish for him, and close the distance between your mouth and his.
Junhyung doesn’t resist.
I lost the light within me
He’s yours and you hate sharing him.
He’s yours.
Even if I try to find you like this
His head is in your lap and your sitting on the floor of the dance studio-an all too familiar place for both of you by now because this is where everything started, where most of it happened. “He left a lot of his stuff at the apartment,” Junhyung says quietly, looking up at you as your hand runs through his hair absently.
“Are you going to bring it to him?” you ask.
Junhyung looks away. “I don’t know,” he says. “I don’t know if he wants to see me yet-I don’t even know where he is.”
If I try to hold onto you now
You know that he loves you.
You know that he loves you more than Doojoon.
But you can never be sure if he’s stopped loving Doojoon.
When I try to look at you one more time
You also know that out of all three, while Junhyung and Doojoon have both been selfish-you’ve been the most selfish. You haven’t been hurt as much as they’ve been hurting each other. You have scars and cuts, but none of them are deep enough that you need rolls upon rolls of gauze to staunch the bleeding.
Despite what it might look like, despite how much you hated sharing Junhyung, it never really bothered you that he slept with Doojoon while sleeping with you.
A body is a body-sex is sex.
It didn’t matter that Doojoon still had Junhyung’s body if you’re the one who has Junhyung’s heart.
Just one more time
Maybe it’s time you stop being selfish.
I can’t see anything
You don’t tell Junhyung.
You do it on a day when Junhyung’s had to go to one of the studios in another part of Seoul for a meet-up. You do it on a day when you’ve made sure everything would work out right because you remember the conversations you’ve had about this with Junhyung before all the madness begin.
The drive isn’t too far and the traffic is fairly free-flowing. It takes you a few minutes to navigate through the campus and find the right building, but you secure parking, you ask around, and soon you’re standing in the doorway of an empty lecture hall.
Empty except for the professor putting his books and laptop away at the podium.
Because I lost my light
Doojoon’s eyes stretch until they seem to take up nearly half his face as you make your way into the hall, down the steps, and to his podium. Expression slowly etches itself onto his face, and you don’t know how to distinguish that kind of expression-shock, most probably.
You don’t let him say anything (because if you gave him time to do that, your face might end up like Junhyung’s). You just bend at your waist, as low as you can go, probably lower than ninety-degrees, arms straight at your sides.