Tik Tok (JunSeung oneshot)
Title: Tik Tok
Author: himawarixxsandz
Rating: PG-13
Pairing(s): JunSeung, DooSeob, KiWoon
Summary: A relationship is two people
A/N: Merry Christmas, chibi_tenten ^-^ I honestly think this turned out to be more of, like, an essay on JunSeung than an actual fic, but this song was seriously like made for them. It's ridiculous. Everyone should go look up the lyrics and marvel at the ridiculous accuracy o.o But yup yup yup, I hope you have a Merry Christmas since it's the 25th (my little American soul has always celebrated it then ;A;) for you when I'm posting this even though like you and moonhunter666 and saearara have been telling me that it's all two days? Three days? that you guys celebrate. So. Yeah. I hope you like it and.....yeah I'm rambling OTL.
Nobody knows how I want you like this everyday
It’s there.
It’s infinitesimal-miniscule. It’s fleeting and brief. It’s like trying to find the needle in the haystack-groping around aimlessly until you feel the sharp metal tip and you know it’s there (you know because of the pinpricks of blood oozing out of your fingertip). It’s there-it’s silent and hidden in shadows (kisses behind curtains, in the car before the managers come back, in the waiting room after everyone’s left, bite marks and splotches of redness covered with foundation and strategically worn clothing).
But it’s there-it’s still there.
Unseen and nonexistent aren’t synonyms.
To others (to most everyone-to most of the world), it’s something that shouldn’t exist. It’s something that if it absolutely must exist, it should exist in the darkest depths until it’s near nonexistent-until it’s completely unseen. He can only ever hope that those others (that most everyone-that most of the world) will sometime in their lifetime (not necessarily his own-just some time) will allow it to be seen-to exist.
In the meantime, Junhyung doesn’t care if he has to lock every door in sight-put up alarms and iron gates and locks and beamed traps. He doesn’t care if he has to erect every physical barrier possible every time he wants to kiss Hyunseung.
Because he’ll do it.
He’ll do it because it’s worth it.
Every time I embrace you behind the stage
Hugs are so easy to come by.
Arms lingering around a slender waist, arms slinging momentarily around a pale neck, hands patting briskly between thin shoulder blades, fingertips brushing down hipbones. Hugs are so easy to come by-terribly easy to hide in that they don’t even need to be hidden. Hugs are friendship (can be disguised as friendship-as bandmates, as a team thing, as a brother thing). Especially hugs before and after performances.
In the excitement leading up to running out on stage, in the aftertaste of adrenaline as they jog off the stage-hugs are nothing (so easy).
Kisses are a little bit harder.
It’s something Doojoon and Yoseob, Kikwang and Dongwoon, don’t even dare risk until they’re in the dorms-until their managers have gone out, sometimes until they can have a room to themselves.
Junhyung and Hyunseung do-they dare to.
It’s hard-it’s tricky and risky, but it’s not impossible and while Junhyung knows that the benefits of waiting (of waiting until they’re safely in the dorms) marginally outweigh the benefits of doing so backstage (of listening to impulse), it’s not the same. It’s not the same and there’s that little, childish niggling in the back of his mind that refuses to stop. That little voice that insists that this is right-this is only fair-because why should other couples (non-celebrity, average citizen, straight couples) be allowed to kiss when they want to if Junhyung can’t?
To Junhyung, it’s just not the same (it’s just not fair).
If there’s a moment, then there’s a moment. It’ll never be the same moment ever again. At the moment, this moment, right now, Hyunseung is sweaty and breathless from their performance-from twirling around and sliding all over the stage for Breath, from pouring out his voice in Fiction, from smiling and grinning through exhaustion during Beautiful. It’s just this moment-only this specific moment and it’ll never come ever again. Moments can’t be recreated (no matter what clichéd advertisements insist), and Junhyung loves this moment-wants this moment-right now, and he can’t have this moment if he waits until they get back to the dorm like he knows Doojoon and Yoseob, Kikwang and Dongwoon, always do.
He can see them right now (and there’s nothing wrong with it-it’s safer, it doesn’t mean any of them love each other less). He sees Doojoon and Yoseob walking back together towards the waiting rooms, hands centimeters apart. He sees Kikwang and Dongwoon waiting behind their manager so he can give them water bottles and towels (he sees how Dongwoon’s fingertips are ever so slightly against Kikwang’s hip). He knows that the moment they get back to the dorms Doojoon and Yoseob will lock themselves in the bedroom and Kikwang and Dongwoon will stay behind in the dance studio.
There’s nothing wrong with that.
If anything, Junhyung is probably the one in the wrong-he wants immediateness, he wants now, he wants moments and spontaneity that he thinks (knows) he (and Hyunseung-and Doojoon and Yoseob, and Kikwang and Dongwoon) deserves.
My heart thumps
The key is timing.
The key is precision and exactness (and not messing up at the crucial second-not screwing up, not getting nervous because that could possibly unravel everything). Timing is the center of it all, but it’s not the entire thing. The larger half of it is timing, but another part of it (just as important) is being able to convey what he wants-a huge part of it, a terribly integral part of it, is knowing that Hyunseung knows.
It’s easier than it sounds, actually.
Hyunseung always knows.
So it’s a little hard, but not impossible (never impossible). It’s a little tricky, but it’s something Junhyung’s done tens of thousands of times before-maneuvering so that he and Hyunseung just happen to be walking beside each other, eyes checking discreetly to make sure that absolutely no one (not a single soul) is looking at them.
Junhyung tugs at Hyunseung’s shoulder, angling the dancer just a little, and then presses their lips together-briefly, only two or three seconds at most, just enough time to run his tongue along Hyunseung’s bottom lip (to taste the lingering hints of sugar and mint that the dancer must have had before they went on stage), and then it’s over. It’s finished, it’s behind them, and to everyone except for Junhyung and Hyunseung-
It never even happened.
In front of other people
He sees them-of course he does. How can he not?
They’re at least a good dozen and it’s not like Junhyung is stupid-he knows how to recognize a recording camera even when they’re hidden (even when they’re supposed to be hidden-when the recorders, fans, are trying to hide them in an attempt to catch something, to see something, that they’re not supposed to). He doesn’t mind, really-their fans can catch all the glimpses they want of Doojoon and Yoseob, of Kikwang and Dongwoon. Their fans can even catch all the glimpses they want of Junhyung and Hyunseung.
They’ll speculate, they’ll dream, they’ll fantasize-but in the end, none of them will really ever know (never one-hundred percent sure). None of them will ever (can ever) know all the struggles and rewards of having to hide something that shines too brightly-that slips and slides through your fingers because it doesn’t want to be hidden (and really, you don’t even want to hide it-but you have to).
They’ll read about Yoseob wishing Doojoon well on his last drama filming (and they’ll have stars in their eyes-they’ll support it), but they’ll never know about how Junhyung watched Yoseob sit quietly in the living room on their day off-how the main vocalist wanted to be able to see Doojoon at the site of his last drama filming, to kiss him when the last scene is completed.
They’ll see Dongwoon with his arms around Kikwang’s waist (a back hug-adorable, that’s precious), but they’ll never know how Doojoon had to order (use every bit of authority he could muster as a leader) Dongwoon not to complain, not to get angry aloud at how Kikwang already has too much on his plate, and on top of that, he now has to start shuttling back and forth to film a new drama-they’ll never see how Junhyung watched Kikwang crawl into Dongwoon’s bunk one night just to be held (the pain of accumulated exhaustion mounting to just too much).
Junhyung knows that most of the fans mean well-that they really would support them. But they only ever see the tiny moments of happiness that leak out backstage or during performances or on the way to the car. They never see the hardships (maybe they know anyway, though?). Sometimes Junhyung, no matter how grateful he is, just wants to scream at them. (We’re hiding for you)
We greet each other awkwardly
When the nearest row of cameras are aimed at them, Junhyung steps away from Hyunseung-distancing himself and retreating backwards a little, standing beside Yoseob instead. He tugs at the main vocalist’s backpack and hood, laughing at something Dongwoon adds in, and (out of the corner of his eye) watching the cameras continue to record.
He watches as Hyunseung moves away too-slinging his arm around Doojoon’s neck and nudging Kikwang brightly.
But when you turn away
“I hate plane food,” Hyunseung says while they lie side by side on the floor of the practice room (the one that’s not the one Kikwang and Dongwoon have more or less reserved for eternity). He and Junhyung are holding hands, staring up at the ceiling of the brightly lit room (a little too bright for Junhyung’s tired eyes). “And the pillows are always weird.”
Junhyung turns to glance at the dancer, the back of his head scraping against the hard wood when he moves. “You always end up sleeping on me, anyway,” he says, amused. “The pillow ends up on the floor.”
Hyunseung blinks, thoughtfully. “Well,” he says slowly, “no.”
The rapper frowns. “Yeah, it-”
“Sometimes Dongwoonie steals it,” Hyunseung says, patting Junhyung’s hip. “Remember?”
I’m the one who knows you best
Junhyung grins. “Right,” he says, and brings his free hand up (the one that’s not already holding onto Hyunseung’s hand-tightly, tightly, tightly) to touch the dancer’s cheek.
Nobody knows that you and I
Hyunseung wonders who it was that first said that to have a career in entertainment is to lead a lonely life. He wonders who that person was-wonders why everyone, from directors that he’s talked to, to some of the staff when they get into late night conversations, is always quoting whoever that person is. He knows other idols that feel that way-he has friends who are actors and actresses who feel that way too. There’s nothing wrong with being lonely-especially in this business.
He just doesn’t think it’s accurate to say that that loneliness stems from this business-from this industry. He doesn’t think it’s accurate at all.
Without the idol business, he would’ve never met Junhyung.
And if that’s not loneliness, then Hyunseung doesn’t know what is.
Are in love like this every day
For him, it means something different.
He doesn’t know why, but it’s never bothered him-he’s never looked at it the same way as the others-not even the same way as Junhyung. It’s never really bothered Hyunseung, never really been something he actively thinks about, because he doesn’t see what’s so terrible about having to keep a relationship out of sights. He understands that some people have that mindset of wanting to show the world that they’re together, but he doesn’t understand why it seems so necessary.
To Hyunseung, he doesn’t even really consider it hiding-concealing-pretending. He thinks there’s a difference-a huge difference-between hiding a relationship and having a relationship that no one seems to notice. If people see it, then they see it-if they don’t, then they don’t.
He knows the others, including Junhyung, all think differently, but Hyunseung’s always thought that it doesn’t matter if people know or not about how much you love someone-as long as that person knows, isn’t that all that matters?
In my heart
They hardly ever touch each other in public-in front of their fans, sometimes not even in the waiting rooms or backstage around the staff and their stylists and managers. It’s not that they purposely don’t touch-it’s not that they purposely don’t stand next to each other, sit next to each other, talk to each other when they have an audience. It’s just that they never actively try to be near each other. Hyunseung never actively tugs Junhyung to his side when they’re gathering to record a message for their fans. Hyunseung won’t actively take a seat beside Junhyung, and he doesn’t expect Junhyung to actively approach him either.
If they end up near each other, then they end up near each other. If Kikwang sidles this way or Yoseob sidles that way in their respective attempts to be closer to Dongwoon or Doojoon, and the result is that Junhyung and Hyunseung end up sitting with each other, then they’ll end up sitting with each other. But Hyunseung will never actively make an attempt, and he knows Junhyung never will either.
Hyunseung sees no point in that kind of thing.
He knows that Junhyung sees no point in it either-the others, however, do.
He knows that although it’s not as if Doojoon throws his arms around Yoseob purely for the sake of fanservice, it’s not as if Doojoon and Yoseob dislike hearing the screams either-because they do. Hyunseung knows for a fact that although the fans don’t necessarily know exactly what they’re screaming for, Doojoon and Yoseob (and Kikwang and Dongwoon, just the same) like to pretend that they’re screams of approval. They like to know, even if it’s not entirely one-hundred-percent right, that the fans support what they feel for each other at least in some shape or form.
Hyunseung?
Honestly doesn’t care.
If he needs to whisper something into Junhyung’s ear on stage-if he needs to tell Junhyung to remember that the rapper left his laptop on Hyunseung’s bed last night-and the fans scream as a result, then they’ll scream as a result. It really doesn’t matter to Hyunseung because if they approve, then they approve-if they don’t, then they don’t. While Doojoon and Yoseob, Dongwoon and Kikwang, will also stay together despite popular opinion, they still like having that feeling of support.
Hyunseung and Junhyung neither like nor dislike it.
It’s just there.
There’s no room for anyone else but you
Junhyung knows it’s corny and stupid and clichéd and Hyunseung laughs at him (so do the others) whenever he even mentions it-
But most of his lyrics really are because of Hyunseung.
There was something about you
Junhyung thinks, maybe, that’s why the rap for Fiction, the one during the break-he wonders if maybe that’s why it always flows out so easily. Usually, the other members will be dancing around him, or they’ll be moving around and he’ll be moving around and he’ll be facing the audience in those cases. But in Fiction-he’s rapping to the other members. Technically, he’s supposed to be rapping to Dongwoon or he’s supposed to turn and face the audience.
It’s just-it’s so much easier to rap to Hyunseung.
When he faces the audience or the members, it feels like Junhyung is rapping at them. They can preach on how their lyrics are for their fans however much they want, but at the end of the day, unless it’s a song he’s written for the fans, he doesn’t honestly feel like he’s rapping to them.
With Hyunseung, though, every saranghae that comes out of Junhyung’s mouth means something.
And even though there are some people-vocalists, dancers, lyricists, rappers-who think and feel and say that it’s easier to put emotion into a song or dance when that song or dance emotes what they themselves are feeling at the moment, Junhyung thinks and feels otherwise. It doesn’t matter if he’s perfectly happy with Hyunseung at the moment and Fiction is a song for someone delusional and pining and painfully in love.
For Junhyung, he can put all that delusion and pining and pain right into every word he raps-gazing at Hyunseung-because it’ll just remind him of how never to end up. He’ll never let himself make a mistake that will put his and Hyunseung’s relationship into something that’s only accessible through a storybook. What they have will always be fact.
Always.
The way you look at me in the eyes
It’s interesting, Hyunseung thinks, to be on the receiving end during those performances. On stage, they act. In essence, that’s what every artist does when he or she performs his or her songs. They act the part of a scorned lover, of someone who’s just fallen in love, of someone who’s been left behind, of someone who’s had to leave a lover behind, and the roles go on.
So it’s interesting to him-it really is-to know (because Hyunseung always knows when Junhyung is acting, when he’s lying, when he’s telling the truth) that there are times when Junhyung isn’t acting on stage. There are times, when Junhyung looks at Hyunseung, and the rapper isn’t acting as he says his lines. They’re memorized lines, lines rehearsed and fabricated for a specific purpose-to fit a specific theme-but they’re lines that are based off of Hyunseung. Fact turned into fiction and recited back as fact.
Having those lyrics rapped to him and knowing they were made for him isn’t anything special like books and movies and dramas say it is-it’s not a serenade, it’s not a love song (Hyunseung snorts when people call Fiction a love song because he’s pretty sure that no one wants their love life to emanate Fiction’s lyrics), and it’s nothing that strikes at Hyunseung’s heart and makes him swoon or faint or what-have-you.
Nobody knows you’re my only star
It’s just-it’s interesting.
Hyunseung thinks it’s incredibly interesting and maybe a little amusing how, every single time they perform Fiction, Junhyung is telling Hyunseung that he loves him in front of hundreds of fans-on live television, sometimes in front of thousands of fans, maybe even the world if their lives are put up on the internet.
Junhyung is telling Hyunseung that he loves him clear as day but no one even notices.
It’s true though, right?
The best hiding place is always in plain sight.
Look at my eyes-I’ll protect you
Personally, Hyunseung thinks it’s kind of hilarious.
It never fails to make him laugh whenever he reads things on how fans or non-fans believe that he and Junhyung have a bad relationship because they’re never caught on camera half-on-top of each other the way Kikwang and Dongwoon, Doojoon and Yoseob often are. Or the way that they always seem to ignore each other while the other members swarm around them with hugs.
Hyunseung thinks it’s kind of hilarious and a bit ridiculous.
But it’s mostly just amusing-something that he brings to mind whenever he needs a good laugh.
He supposes it might be just a little mean to think that way, though. After all, it’s not the public’s fault that the cameras can catch Yoseob throwing himself into Hyunseung’s arms and how Doojoon holds Hyunseung’s hand, but they can never seem to catch the glance that Junhyung tosses to Hyunseung (even more so when Junhyung wears sunglasses). A glance that means ten-thousand times more than any hug around the waist Kikwang gives Hyunseung-the glance that means hundreds of thousands more than when Dongwoon holds Hyunseung’s hips.
A glance that, once the cameras turn away (toward Kikwang patting Dongwoon’s face-to Yoseob leaning on Doojoon’s shoulder), has Hyunseung walking discreetly out of the waiting room with Junhyung following him.
I’ll stay by your side
Hyunseung laughs into the kiss, hands on Junhyung’s shoulders to steady himself as the rapper presses him against the wall. Junhyung’s sunglasses fall from his face, clattering to the floor as the kiss gets deeper and Hyunseung hears himself sigh into the younger man’s mouth. He feels Junhyung’s lips curve upward into a grin and Hyunseung rolls his eyes as they part for breath.
“Missed me?” Hyunseung breathes.
Junhyung holds the side of the dancer’s face, eyes gazing straight into Hyunseung’s-they’re both so close that Hyunseung can feel Junhyung’s breath puff against his own cheek. “Maybe,” the rapper says softly-playfully.
Secretly loving someone
When they return to the waiting room, no one pays any attention to them. Everyone assumes that Junhyung wanted to get his mic pack readjusted and Hyunseung had to get dressed since he’s just arrived. They return to Yoseob and Dongwoon doing an interview while Kikwang gets his make-up touched up and Doojoon is warming up his voice. In all the flurry of preparations, no one focuses much on why they were gone for nearly forty-five minutes and even if someone did, Junhyung and Hyunseung have plenty of excuses to give.
Only the other four probably actually have a clue as to what went on, and none of them really mind because it’s a secret that all six of them keep for one another.
And in all honesty, Junhyung still thinks it’s unfair. He doesn’t think he’ll ever stop thinking that it’s unfair. There’s nothing he can do about it-nothing anyone can do about it, and while it doesn’t plague him, doesn’t bother or irritate him, he thinks it’s unfair and he wishes it were different. In a way, he wishes that none of this had to be a secret, but at the same time, he doesn’t want to share it with anyone-he doesn’t think it’s anyone else’s business to know.
This relationship?
It’s two people-it’s him and Hyunseung.
It’s not him, the fans, some of Korea’s general public, netizens, and Hyunseung.
Every day you drive me crazy
It’s not in Hyunseung’s job description to care-to worry-about what or how the public perceives whatever it might be that’s between him and Junhyung. His job description is to do what management tells him to do, sing, dance, entertain, and perform to the best of his abilities at given moments in time. He’s not going on dates with Junhyung in bright, shining sunlight in the middle of Hongdae, he’s not posting sex tapes on Youtube, he’s not tweeting pictures of them eating cake together.
And in his opinion, as long as he’s not doing any of that, it’s none of his business to worry or care about how the fans, netizens, Korea’s general public think about him or Junhyung or him and Junhyung.
It’ll always be nice-a little bonus add-on-to watch all of their fans speculate and fantasize and for Hyunseung to sometimes idly imagine that they’d support him and Junhyung if it ever really came down to it. But at the end of the day, Hyunseung doesn’t really spend too much time pondering on that either.
Hyunseung’s business is to worry about if Junhyung’s getting enough sleep-if Junhyung’s back is hurting him again-if Junhyung almost forgot to save the new lyrics he just finished-if Junhyung left his laptop open with a dying battery when the rapper fell asleep-if Junhyung’s thumb drive got lost in the wrinkles of Hyunseung’s bed sheets-if one of Junhyung’s sweatshirts got mixed up with one of Hyunseung’s in the wash.
Although, it’s not like Hyunseung is going to lie and say that he doesn’t get a good laugh out of their fans’ reactions whenever he tweets Junhyung just to-like, what-make sure that the rapper doesn’t forget that he left his socks on Hyunseung’s bed or something.
I just want you so much
Hyunseung raises an eyebrow. “Are you going to molest me?” he asks. “If you’re planning on molesting me, I’m going to have to stop you.”
Junhyung stares.
“I’m being serious,” Hyunseung adds, when Junhyung’s hands don’t fall away from the dancer’s hips.
The rapper snorts. “No, you’re not,” he says, rolling his eyes (Hyunseung’s lips slip into a smile). “You’re the one who was fucking annoying me on the plane for a fucking hour about how you want to make out on European soil or whatever.”
“English,” Hyunseung corrects. “English soil.”
Junhyung stares again.
“Which,” Hyunseung says considerably, “is European too, so I guess you’re okay.”
“Y’know,” Junhyung wraps his arms all the way around Hyunseung’s waist, pulling their bodies right up against each other as they sidestep deeper into the alleyway and farther away from where the others are finishing taking their pictures of London. “If I didn’t know you’re just weird as fuck, I’d think you’re retarded.”
Hyunseung strokes the rapper’s cheek, grinning. “It’s nice to know how much you love me.”
“It’s nice to know that you know,” Junhyung says back, leaning in to kiss Hyunseung-briefly-on the lips.
The dancer raises his eyebrows again. “Yeah?”
“Yeah,” Junhyung smiles. “As long as you do, I’m doing my job right, y’know?”
Hyunseung carefully pulls the rapper’s sunglasses from his face, tucking them into the back pocket of Hyunseung’s own jeans. “I know,” Hyunseung smiles back, and tilts his head as Junhyung leans in again.
Our love going tick tock-like a clock that never stops
Author: himawarixxsandz
Rating: PG-13
Pairing(s): JunSeung, DooSeob, KiWoon
Summary: A relationship is two people
A/N: Merry Christmas, chibi_tenten ^-^ I honestly think this turned out to be more of, like, an essay on JunSeung than an actual fic, but this song was seriously like made for them. It's ridiculous. Everyone should go look up the lyrics and marvel at the ridiculous accuracy o.o But yup yup yup, I hope you have a Merry Christmas since it's the 25th (my little American soul has always celebrated it then ;A;) for you when I'm posting this even though like you and moonhunter666 and saearara have been telling me that it's all two days? Three days? that you guys celebrate. So. Yeah. I hope you like it and.....yeah I'm rambling OTL.
Nobody knows how I want you like this everyday
It’s there.
It’s infinitesimal-miniscule. It’s fleeting and brief. It’s like trying to find the needle in the haystack-groping around aimlessly until you feel the sharp metal tip and you know it’s there (you know because of the pinpricks of blood oozing out of your fingertip). It’s there-it’s silent and hidden in shadows (kisses behind curtains, in the car before the managers come back, in the waiting room after everyone’s left, bite marks and splotches of redness covered with foundation and strategically worn clothing).
But it’s there-it’s still there.
Unseen and nonexistent aren’t synonyms.
To others (to most everyone-to most of the world), it’s something that shouldn’t exist. It’s something that if it absolutely must exist, it should exist in the darkest depths until it’s near nonexistent-until it’s completely unseen. He can only ever hope that those others (that most everyone-that most of the world) will sometime in their lifetime (not necessarily his own-just some time) will allow it to be seen-to exist.
In the meantime, Junhyung doesn’t care if he has to lock every door in sight-put up alarms and iron gates and locks and beamed traps. He doesn’t care if he has to erect every physical barrier possible every time he wants to kiss Hyunseung.
Because he’ll do it.
He’ll do it because it’s worth it.
Every time I embrace you behind the stage
Hugs are so easy to come by.
Arms lingering around a slender waist, arms slinging momentarily around a pale neck, hands patting briskly between thin shoulder blades, fingertips brushing down hipbones. Hugs are so easy to come by-terribly easy to hide in that they don’t even need to be hidden. Hugs are friendship (can be disguised as friendship-as bandmates, as a team thing, as a brother thing). Especially hugs before and after performances.
In the excitement leading up to running out on stage, in the aftertaste of adrenaline as they jog off the stage-hugs are nothing (so easy).
Kisses are a little bit harder.
It’s something Doojoon and Yoseob, Kikwang and Dongwoon, don’t even dare risk until they’re in the dorms-until their managers have gone out, sometimes until they can have a room to themselves.
Junhyung and Hyunseung do-they dare to.
It’s hard-it’s tricky and risky, but it’s not impossible and while Junhyung knows that the benefits of waiting (of waiting until they’re safely in the dorms) marginally outweigh the benefits of doing so backstage (of listening to impulse), it’s not the same. It’s not the same and there’s that little, childish niggling in the back of his mind that refuses to stop. That little voice that insists that this is right-this is only fair-because why should other couples (non-celebrity, average citizen, straight couples) be allowed to kiss when they want to if Junhyung can’t?
To Junhyung, it’s just not the same (it’s just not fair).
If there’s a moment, then there’s a moment. It’ll never be the same moment ever again. At the moment, this moment, right now, Hyunseung is sweaty and breathless from their performance-from twirling around and sliding all over the stage for Breath, from pouring out his voice in Fiction, from smiling and grinning through exhaustion during Beautiful. It’s just this moment-only this specific moment and it’ll never come ever again. Moments can’t be recreated (no matter what clichéd advertisements insist), and Junhyung loves this moment-wants this moment-right now, and he can’t have this moment if he waits until they get back to the dorm like he knows Doojoon and Yoseob, Kikwang and Dongwoon, always do.
He can see them right now (and there’s nothing wrong with it-it’s safer, it doesn’t mean any of them love each other less). He sees Doojoon and Yoseob walking back together towards the waiting rooms, hands centimeters apart. He sees Kikwang and Dongwoon waiting behind their manager so he can give them water bottles and towels (he sees how Dongwoon’s fingertips are ever so slightly against Kikwang’s hip). He knows that the moment they get back to the dorms Doojoon and Yoseob will lock themselves in the bedroom and Kikwang and Dongwoon will stay behind in the dance studio.
There’s nothing wrong with that.
If anything, Junhyung is probably the one in the wrong-he wants immediateness, he wants now, he wants moments and spontaneity that he thinks (knows) he (and Hyunseung-and Doojoon and Yoseob, and Kikwang and Dongwoon) deserves.
My heart thumps
The key is timing.
The key is precision and exactness (and not messing up at the crucial second-not screwing up, not getting nervous because that could possibly unravel everything). Timing is the center of it all, but it’s not the entire thing. The larger half of it is timing, but another part of it (just as important) is being able to convey what he wants-a huge part of it, a terribly integral part of it, is knowing that Hyunseung knows.
It’s easier than it sounds, actually.
Hyunseung always knows.
So it’s a little hard, but not impossible (never impossible). It’s a little tricky, but it’s something Junhyung’s done tens of thousands of times before-maneuvering so that he and Hyunseung just happen to be walking beside each other, eyes checking discreetly to make sure that absolutely no one (not a single soul) is looking at them.
Junhyung tugs at Hyunseung’s shoulder, angling the dancer just a little, and then presses their lips together-briefly, only two or three seconds at most, just enough time to run his tongue along Hyunseung’s bottom lip (to taste the lingering hints of sugar and mint that the dancer must have had before they went on stage), and then it’s over. It’s finished, it’s behind them, and to everyone except for Junhyung and Hyunseung-
It never even happened.
In front of other people
He sees them-of course he does. How can he not?
They’re at least a good dozen and it’s not like Junhyung is stupid-he knows how to recognize a recording camera even when they’re hidden (even when they’re supposed to be hidden-when the recorders, fans, are trying to hide them in an attempt to catch something, to see something, that they’re not supposed to). He doesn’t mind, really-their fans can catch all the glimpses they want of Doojoon and Yoseob, of Kikwang and Dongwoon. Their fans can even catch all the glimpses they want of Junhyung and Hyunseung.
They’ll speculate, they’ll dream, they’ll fantasize-but in the end, none of them will really ever know (never one-hundred percent sure). None of them will ever (can ever) know all the struggles and rewards of having to hide something that shines too brightly-that slips and slides through your fingers because it doesn’t want to be hidden (and really, you don’t even want to hide it-but you have to).
They’ll read about Yoseob wishing Doojoon well on his last drama filming (and they’ll have stars in their eyes-they’ll support it), but they’ll never know about how Junhyung watched Yoseob sit quietly in the living room on their day off-how the main vocalist wanted to be able to see Doojoon at the site of his last drama filming, to kiss him when the last scene is completed.
They’ll see Dongwoon with his arms around Kikwang’s waist (a back hug-adorable, that’s precious), but they’ll never know how Doojoon had to order (use every bit of authority he could muster as a leader) Dongwoon not to complain, not to get angry aloud at how Kikwang already has too much on his plate, and on top of that, he now has to start shuttling back and forth to film a new drama-they’ll never see how Junhyung watched Kikwang crawl into Dongwoon’s bunk one night just to be held (the pain of accumulated exhaustion mounting to just too much).
Junhyung knows that most of the fans mean well-that they really would support them. But they only ever see the tiny moments of happiness that leak out backstage or during performances or on the way to the car. They never see the hardships (maybe they know anyway, though?). Sometimes Junhyung, no matter how grateful he is, just wants to scream at them. (We’re hiding for you)
We greet each other awkwardly
When the nearest row of cameras are aimed at them, Junhyung steps away from Hyunseung-distancing himself and retreating backwards a little, standing beside Yoseob instead. He tugs at the main vocalist’s backpack and hood, laughing at something Dongwoon adds in, and (out of the corner of his eye) watching the cameras continue to record.
He watches as Hyunseung moves away too-slinging his arm around Doojoon’s neck and nudging Kikwang brightly.
But when you turn away
“I hate plane food,” Hyunseung says while they lie side by side on the floor of the practice room (the one that’s not the one Kikwang and Dongwoon have more or less reserved for eternity). He and Junhyung are holding hands, staring up at the ceiling of the brightly lit room (a little too bright for Junhyung’s tired eyes). “And the pillows are always weird.”
Junhyung turns to glance at the dancer, the back of his head scraping against the hard wood when he moves. “You always end up sleeping on me, anyway,” he says, amused. “The pillow ends up on the floor.”
Hyunseung blinks, thoughtfully. “Well,” he says slowly, “no.”
The rapper frowns. “Yeah, it-”
“Sometimes Dongwoonie steals it,” Hyunseung says, patting Junhyung’s hip. “Remember?”
I’m the one who knows you best
Junhyung grins. “Right,” he says, and brings his free hand up (the one that’s not already holding onto Hyunseung’s hand-tightly, tightly, tightly) to touch the dancer’s cheek.
Nobody knows that you and I
Hyunseung wonders who it was that first said that to have a career in entertainment is to lead a lonely life. He wonders who that person was-wonders why everyone, from directors that he’s talked to, to some of the staff when they get into late night conversations, is always quoting whoever that person is. He knows other idols that feel that way-he has friends who are actors and actresses who feel that way too. There’s nothing wrong with being lonely-especially in this business.
He just doesn’t think it’s accurate to say that that loneliness stems from this business-from this industry. He doesn’t think it’s accurate at all.
Without the idol business, he would’ve never met Junhyung.
And if that’s not loneliness, then Hyunseung doesn’t know what is.
Are in love like this every day
For him, it means something different.
He doesn’t know why, but it’s never bothered him-he’s never looked at it the same way as the others-not even the same way as Junhyung. It’s never really bothered Hyunseung, never really been something he actively thinks about, because he doesn’t see what’s so terrible about having to keep a relationship out of sights. He understands that some people have that mindset of wanting to show the world that they’re together, but he doesn’t understand why it seems so necessary.
To Hyunseung, he doesn’t even really consider it hiding-concealing-pretending. He thinks there’s a difference-a huge difference-between hiding a relationship and having a relationship that no one seems to notice. If people see it, then they see it-if they don’t, then they don’t.
He knows the others, including Junhyung, all think differently, but Hyunseung’s always thought that it doesn’t matter if people know or not about how much you love someone-as long as that person knows, isn’t that all that matters?
In my heart
They hardly ever touch each other in public-in front of their fans, sometimes not even in the waiting rooms or backstage around the staff and their stylists and managers. It’s not that they purposely don’t touch-it’s not that they purposely don’t stand next to each other, sit next to each other, talk to each other when they have an audience. It’s just that they never actively try to be near each other. Hyunseung never actively tugs Junhyung to his side when they’re gathering to record a message for their fans. Hyunseung won’t actively take a seat beside Junhyung, and he doesn’t expect Junhyung to actively approach him either.
If they end up near each other, then they end up near each other. If Kikwang sidles this way or Yoseob sidles that way in their respective attempts to be closer to Dongwoon or Doojoon, and the result is that Junhyung and Hyunseung end up sitting with each other, then they’ll end up sitting with each other. But Hyunseung will never actively make an attempt, and he knows Junhyung never will either.
Hyunseung sees no point in that kind of thing.
He knows that Junhyung sees no point in it either-the others, however, do.
He knows that although it’s not as if Doojoon throws his arms around Yoseob purely for the sake of fanservice, it’s not as if Doojoon and Yoseob dislike hearing the screams either-because they do. Hyunseung knows for a fact that although the fans don’t necessarily know exactly what they’re screaming for, Doojoon and Yoseob (and Kikwang and Dongwoon, just the same) like to pretend that they’re screams of approval. They like to know, even if it’s not entirely one-hundred-percent right, that the fans support what they feel for each other at least in some shape or form.
Hyunseung?
Honestly doesn’t care.
If he needs to whisper something into Junhyung’s ear on stage-if he needs to tell Junhyung to remember that the rapper left his laptop on Hyunseung’s bed last night-and the fans scream as a result, then they’ll scream as a result. It really doesn’t matter to Hyunseung because if they approve, then they approve-if they don’t, then they don’t. While Doojoon and Yoseob, Dongwoon and Kikwang, will also stay together despite popular opinion, they still like having that feeling of support.
Hyunseung and Junhyung neither like nor dislike it.
It’s just there.
There’s no room for anyone else but you
Junhyung knows it’s corny and stupid and clichéd and Hyunseung laughs at him (so do the others) whenever he even mentions it-
But most of his lyrics really are because of Hyunseung.
There was something about you
Junhyung thinks, maybe, that’s why the rap for Fiction, the one during the break-he wonders if maybe that’s why it always flows out so easily. Usually, the other members will be dancing around him, or they’ll be moving around and he’ll be moving around and he’ll be facing the audience in those cases. But in Fiction-he’s rapping to the other members. Technically, he’s supposed to be rapping to Dongwoon or he’s supposed to turn and face the audience.
It’s just-it’s so much easier to rap to Hyunseung.
When he faces the audience or the members, it feels like Junhyung is rapping at them. They can preach on how their lyrics are for their fans however much they want, but at the end of the day, unless it’s a song he’s written for the fans, he doesn’t honestly feel like he’s rapping to them.
With Hyunseung, though, every saranghae that comes out of Junhyung’s mouth means something.
And even though there are some people-vocalists, dancers, lyricists, rappers-who think and feel and say that it’s easier to put emotion into a song or dance when that song or dance emotes what they themselves are feeling at the moment, Junhyung thinks and feels otherwise. It doesn’t matter if he’s perfectly happy with Hyunseung at the moment and Fiction is a song for someone delusional and pining and painfully in love.
For Junhyung, he can put all that delusion and pining and pain right into every word he raps-gazing at Hyunseung-because it’ll just remind him of how never to end up. He’ll never let himself make a mistake that will put his and Hyunseung’s relationship into something that’s only accessible through a storybook. What they have will always be fact.
Always.
The way you look at me in the eyes
It’s interesting, Hyunseung thinks, to be on the receiving end during those performances. On stage, they act. In essence, that’s what every artist does when he or she performs his or her songs. They act the part of a scorned lover, of someone who’s just fallen in love, of someone who’s been left behind, of someone who’s had to leave a lover behind, and the roles go on.
So it’s interesting to him-it really is-to know (because Hyunseung always knows when Junhyung is acting, when he’s lying, when he’s telling the truth) that there are times when Junhyung isn’t acting on stage. There are times, when Junhyung looks at Hyunseung, and the rapper isn’t acting as he says his lines. They’re memorized lines, lines rehearsed and fabricated for a specific purpose-to fit a specific theme-but they’re lines that are based off of Hyunseung. Fact turned into fiction and recited back as fact.
Having those lyrics rapped to him and knowing they were made for him isn’t anything special like books and movies and dramas say it is-it’s not a serenade, it’s not a love song (Hyunseung snorts when people call Fiction a love song because he’s pretty sure that no one wants their love life to emanate Fiction’s lyrics), and it’s nothing that strikes at Hyunseung’s heart and makes him swoon or faint or what-have-you.
Nobody knows you’re my only star
It’s just-it’s interesting.
Hyunseung thinks it’s incredibly interesting and maybe a little amusing how, every single time they perform Fiction, Junhyung is telling Hyunseung that he loves him in front of hundreds of fans-on live television, sometimes in front of thousands of fans, maybe even the world if their lives are put up on the internet.
Junhyung is telling Hyunseung that he loves him clear as day but no one even notices.
It’s true though, right?
The best hiding place is always in plain sight.
Look at my eyes-I’ll protect you
Personally, Hyunseung thinks it’s kind of hilarious.
It never fails to make him laugh whenever he reads things on how fans or non-fans believe that he and Junhyung have a bad relationship because they’re never caught on camera half-on-top of each other the way Kikwang and Dongwoon, Doojoon and Yoseob often are. Or the way that they always seem to ignore each other while the other members swarm around them with hugs.
Hyunseung thinks it’s kind of hilarious and a bit ridiculous.
But it’s mostly just amusing-something that he brings to mind whenever he needs a good laugh.
He supposes it might be just a little mean to think that way, though. After all, it’s not the public’s fault that the cameras can catch Yoseob throwing himself into Hyunseung’s arms and how Doojoon holds Hyunseung’s hand, but they can never seem to catch the glance that Junhyung tosses to Hyunseung (even more so when Junhyung wears sunglasses). A glance that means ten-thousand times more than any hug around the waist Kikwang gives Hyunseung-the glance that means hundreds of thousands more than when Dongwoon holds Hyunseung’s hips.
A glance that, once the cameras turn away (toward Kikwang patting Dongwoon’s face-to Yoseob leaning on Doojoon’s shoulder), has Hyunseung walking discreetly out of the waiting room with Junhyung following him.
I’ll stay by your side
Hyunseung laughs into the kiss, hands on Junhyung’s shoulders to steady himself as the rapper presses him against the wall. Junhyung’s sunglasses fall from his face, clattering to the floor as the kiss gets deeper and Hyunseung hears himself sigh into the younger man’s mouth. He feels Junhyung’s lips curve upward into a grin and Hyunseung rolls his eyes as they part for breath.
“Missed me?” Hyunseung breathes.
Junhyung holds the side of the dancer’s face, eyes gazing straight into Hyunseung’s-they’re both so close that Hyunseung can feel Junhyung’s breath puff against his own cheek. “Maybe,” the rapper says softly-playfully.
Secretly loving someone
When they return to the waiting room, no one pays any attention to them. Everyone assumes that Junhyung wanted to get his mic pack readjusted and Hyunseung had to get dressed since he’s just arrived. They return to Yoseob and Dongwoon doing an interview while Kikwang gets his make-up touched up and Doojoon is warming up his voice. In all the flurry of preparations, no one focuses much on why they were gone for nearly forty-five minutes and even if someone did, Junhyung and Hyunseung have plenty of excuses to give.
Only the other four probably actually have a clue as to what went on, and none of them really mind because it’s a secret that all six of them keep for one another.
And in all honesty, Junhyung still thinks it’s unfair. He doesn’t think he’ll ever stop thinking that it’s unfair. There’s nothing he can do about it-nothing anyone can do about it, and while it doesn’t plague him, doesn’t bother or irritate him, he thinks it’s unfair and he wishes it were different. In a way, he wishes that none of this had to be a secret, but at the same time, he doesn’t want to share it with anyone-he doesn’t think it’s anyone else’s business to know.
This relationship?
It’s two people-it’s him and Hyunseung.
It’s not him, the fans, some of Korea’s general public, netizens, and Hyunseung.
Every day you drive me crazy
It’s not in Hyunseung’s job description to care-to worry-about what or how the public perceives whatever it might be that’s between him and Junhyung. His job description is to do what management tells him to do, sing, dance, entertain, and perform to the best of his abilities at given moments in time. He’s not going on dates with Junhyung in bright, shining sunlight in the middle of Hongdae, he’s not posting sex tapes on Youtube, he’s not tweeting pictures of them eating cake together.
And in his opinion, as long as he’s not doing any of that, it’s none of his business to worry or care about how the fans, netizens, Korea’s general public think about him or Junhyung or him and Junhyung.
It’ll always be nice-a little bonus add-on-to watch all of their fans speculate and fantasize and for Hyunseung to sometimes idly imagine that they’d support him and Junhyung if it ever really came down to it. But at the end of the day, Hyunseung doesn’t really spend too much time pondering on that either.
Hyunseung’s business is to worry about if Junhyung’s getting enough sleep-if Junhyung’s back is hurting him again-if Junhyung almost forgot to save the new lyrics he just finished-if Junhyung left his laptop open with a dying battery when the rapper fell asleep-if Junhyung’s thumb drive got lost in the wrinkles of Hyunseung’s bed sheets-if one of Junhyung’s sweatshirts got mixed up with one of Hyunseung’s in the wash.
Although, it’s not like Hyunseung is going to lie and say that he doesn’t get a good laugh out of their fans’ reactions whenever he tweets Junhyung just to-like, what-make sure that the rapper doesn’t forget that he left his socks on Hyunseung’s bed or something.
I just want you so much
Hyunseung raises an eyebrow. “Are you going to molest me?” he asks. “If you’re planning on molesting me, I’m going to have to stop you.”
Junhyung stares.
“I’m being serious,” Hyunseung adds, when Junhyung’s hands don’t fall away from the dancer’s hips.
The rapper snorts. “No, you’re not,” he says, rolling his eyes (Hyunseung’s lips slip into a smile). “You’re the one who was fucking annoying me on the plane for a fucking hour about how you want to make out on European soil or whatever.”
“English,” Hyunseung corrects. “English soil.”
Junhyung stares again.
“Which,” Hyunseung says considerably, “is European too, so I guess you’re okay.”
“Y’know,” Junhyung wraps his arms all the way around Hyunseung’s waist, pulling their bodies right up against each other as they sidestep deeper into the alleyway and farther away from where the others are finishing taking their pictures of London. “If I didn’t know you’re just weird as fuck, I’d think you’re retarded.”
Hyunseung strokes the rapper’s cheek, grinning. “It’s nice to know how much you love me.”
“It’s nice to know that you know,” Junhyung says back, leaning in to kiss Hyunseung-briefly-on the lips.
The dancer raises his eyebrows again. “Yeah?”
“Yeah,” Junhyung smiles. “As long as you do, I’m doing my job right, y’know?”
Hyunseung carefully pulls the rapper’s sunglasses from his face, tucking them into the back pocket of Hyunseung’s own jeans. “I know,” Hyunseung smiles back, and tilts his head as Junhyung leans in again.
Our love going tick tock-like a clock that never stops