i don't like the truth (school 2013)
title: i don't like the truth
author: himawarixxsandz
rating: pg-13
pairing(s): heungsoo/namsoon
summary: then lies are easier - takes place at the beginning of episode 8 right after namsoon walks away from heungsoo
a/n: idk i just wanted to get at least one of amy's requests down before this crazy hectic week starts so this is technically my first heungsoon ever pOPPING MY HEUNGSOON CHERRY sobs go easy on me i'll improve i swear
Sometimes Heungsoo can see his anger.
In the past few years, it’s become something so volatile, so inhumanly brutal that sometimes he can see it in his own mind. He’s always been able to feel it-coursing through his body when loose or curled up in a pit in his chest when dormant. But for the last three years, his anger is like another entity inside of him and Heungsoo lets it take its reign at any and every given time because it’s easy.
It’s soothing.
It protects him. Whatever kind of beast his anger has transformed into over the course of three years, it’s one that comforts him and protects him when Park Heungsoo is too tired to do anything else. When he’s too tired to think and react to everything that life throws him, when nothing else can protect him (because the one person who used to wrap around his heart is now gone), the anger can and it’s comforting.
Heungsoo can see his anger and right here, in the biting cold night, he’s just seen his anger stop dead in its tracks. His anger skids to a screeching halt and all of his thoughts do likewise-his breath does likewise-and he can’t even turn his head to watch Namsoon’s retreating back.
He’s frozen and the frigid air has nothing to do with it.
As soon as his anger stops, it starts again.
Because Namsoon is lying.
Namsoon is playing the victim again-is trying to be the righteous bastard in this mess-is trying to redeem himself-is trying to make himself feel better-is trying to placate Heungsoo-is continuing on the route to somehow sneak Heungsoo’s forgiveness out of him-Namsoon is lying. Namsoon is lying and Namsoon must think Heungsoo was fucking born yesterday to not notice how the ends so obviously don’t meet in the same place-how it doesn’t make sense that Heungsoo would be the most important thing in Namsoon’s life because if Heungsoo was so important, then how could Namsoon walk away in a hospital lobby three years ago?
Namsoon is lying. It’s a lie.
Namsoon’s expression as he’d ground out the words to Heungsoo is a lie. Namsoon’s voice, sounding like the world was searing him from the inside out, was a lie. The tears that’d appeared at the rims of Namsoon’s eyes before he turned sharply away and walked through the gates were lies. They’re all lies. They have to be lies. They can’t be anything but lies.
Heungsoo needs them to be lies.
(Heungsoo told Namsoon to give up something that is as important to him as soccer was to Heungsoo and Namsoon gave up Heungsoo and somewhere in Heungsoo’s brain the equation isn’t working itself out right because Heungsoo lied-Heungsoo is the liar-Heungsoo is the horrid, dark, angry liar in all of this because soccer was second in Heungsoo’s life-everything in Heungsoo’s life is second after Go Namsoon but Heungsoo has just made Namsoon think that soccer was first and Namsoon isn’t even on the list and Heungsoo is a liar)
author: himawarixxsandz
rating: pg-13
pairing(s): heungsoo/namsoon
summary: then lies are easier - takes place at the beginning of episode 8 right after namsoon walks away from heungsoo
a/n: idk i just wanted to get at least one of amy's requests down before this crazy hectic week starts so this is technically my first heungsoon ever pOPPING MY HEUNGSOON CHERRY sobs go easy on me i'll improve i swear
Sometimes Heungsoo can see his anger.
In the past few years, it’s become something so volatile, so inhumanly brutal that sometimes he can see it in his own mind. He’s always been able to feel it-coursing through his body when loose or curled up in a pit in his chest when dormant. But for the last three years, his anger is like another entity inside of him and Heungsoo lets it take its reign at any and every given time because it’s easy.
It’s soothing.
It protects him. Whatever kind of beast his anger has transformed into over the course of three years, it’s one that comforts him and protects him when Park Heungsoo is too tired to do anything else. When he’s too tired to think and react to everything that life throws him, when nothing else can protect him (because the one person who used to wrap around his heart is now gone), the anger can and it’s comforting.
Heungsoo can see his anger and right here, in the biting cold night, he’s just seen his anger stop dead in its tracks. His anger skids to a screeching halt and all of his thoughts do likewise-his breath does likewise-and he can’t even turn his head to watch Namsoon’s retreating back.
He’s frozen and the frigid air has nothing to do with it.
As soon as his anger stops, it starts again.
Because Namsoon is lying.
Namsoon is playing the victim again-is trying to be the righteous bastard in this mess-is trying to redeem himself-is trying to make himself feel better-is trying to placate Heungsoo-is continuing on the route to somehow sneak Heungsoo’s forgiveness out of him-Namsoon is lying. Namsoon is lying and Namsoon must think Heungsoo was fucking born yesterday to not notice how the ends so obviously don’t meet in the same place-how it doesn’t make sense that Heungsoo would be the most important thing in Namsoon’s life because if Heungsoo was so important, then how could Namsoon walk away in a hospital lobby three years ago?
Namsoon is lying. It’s a lie.
Namsoon’s expression as he’d ground out the words to Heungsoo is a lie. Namsoon’s voice, sounding like the world was searing him from the inside out, was a lie. The tears that’d appeared at the rims of Namsoon’s eyes before he turned sharply away and walked through the gates were lies. They’re all lies. They have to be lies. They can’t be anything but lies.
Heungsoo needs them to be lies.
(Heungsoo told Namsoon to give up something that is as important to him as soccer was to Heungsoo and Namsoon gave up Heungsoo and somewhere in Heungsoo’s brain the equation isn’t working itself out right because Heungsoo lied-Heungsoo is the liar-Heungsoo is the horrid, dark, angry liar in all of this because soccer was second in Heungsoo’s life-everything in Heungsoo’s life is second after Go Namsoon but Heungsoo has just made Namsoon think that soccer was first and Namsoon isn’t even on the list and Heungsoo is a liar)