If I Had a Lover (JunSeung oneshot)
Title: If I Had a Lover
Author: himawarixxsandz
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: JunSeung, with mentions of DooSeob
Summary: They're not really romantics.
A/N: UNNIES, ARE YOU PROUD OF ME? I CAN EVEN WRITE JUNSEUNG DIALOGUE NOW. Although it might be terrible, I don't know yet, since I haven't really ever written lots of Junseung dialogue, so I'll let you guys be the judge of that. But yeah ^-^ I like to think practice is making my Junseung better, so clandestine_7, chibi_tenten since you two unnies are my Junseung whores stans, TT.TT, are you proud of me? (Also,chibi_tenten this is kind of for you, like a hope-you-did-well on your exam gift). Anyway, enjoy the Junseung fluff (I bet you guys thought that this song would go with DooSeob, huh, huh? But I don't know why I saw it so well with Junseung.) This is mainly just a product of me being bored and listening to this song and wanting a boyfriend for the summer feeling like writing Junseung. (It's also kind of short)
There are so many things I’ve wanted to do
When Hyunseung was old enough to think about girls and girlfriends, he didn’t think about girls and girlfriends. There were brief passing moments when those thoughts crossed through his mind, when his YG hyungs asked about it, joking and teasing him during the small reliefs they had in between excruciating training sessions. But when Hyunseung was old enough to think about girls and girlfriends, he didn’t. He didn’t think about girls and girlfriends because all he thought about were dreams of stages and concerts and crowds of fans screaming for him.
The first, kissing him in the street
They aren’t supposed to be out here-not really.
They aren’t supposed to be out here, except they are out here, in the dark-kind of cold-with Kikwang gone with all of their managers at his late night schedule, Doojoon and Yoseob dragging Dongwoon by the scuff of his neck because no one cares if you’re hungry if the restaurant you want to eat at is ten blocks from the apartment, and even less than no one cares if you’re the maknae.
They aren’t supposed to be out here except all nearly-six-feet of Son Dongwoon kept grumbling every two minutes and he demanded that they walk ten blocks to his favorite restaurant and during the ten blocks back, they realized that they locked themselves out of the apartment so now they are trudging back as slowly as possible in hopes that by the time they reach home, the managers and Kikwang will have already returned, sparing all five of them the embarrassment of waiting outside the door like hobos.
Doojoon and Yoseob are steps ahead-frog-marching Dongwoon with threats of taking away his games and locking him away from Kikwang interspersed amidst their conversation. The three are steps ahead and Hyunseung is trying to make his food-coma-induced self walk a little bit faster so he won’t be bringing up the rear and get kidnapped by a crazed anti or an even crazier fan (he thinks there is some terrible truth in that video Joon featured in).
Hyunseung is trying to walk a little bit faster except that doesn’t really work because something is tugging insistently at the back of his shirt and it’s definitely not the hand of a fangirl (no matter how strong they actually are). It’s definitely not the hand of a fangirl, but Hyunseung knows whose hand it is, so he turns around, blinking and plucking the hand off of his t-shirt. “What?” he asks blankly.
Junhyung is motioning with his head, expression blanketed by the shadows that the streetlights don’t quite reach. “What?” Hyunseung says again, confused as Junhyung takes the dancer’s hand now, and pulls him towards a lamppost they just passed. Junhyung pulls Hyunseung towards the post, ignoring the fact that they are getting terribly left behind, and leans back against it. The rapper leans back against it, and pulls Hyunseung against himself.
“Crazy fans will jump out any moment now,” Hyunseung points out, “and kidnap us and we’ll end up chained to beds like Changsunnie-hyung.”
Junhyung shrugs, hands slipping out of Hyunseung’s and onto the dancer’s waist. “Then I’ll bust us out.”
Hyunseung raises his eyes to the night sky thoughtfully. “No,” he says slowly, “No, I think it’s okay.”
The rapper stares.
“It’s okay,” Hyunseung concludes definitely. “Yeah-if we’re chained to the same bed, then it’s okay.” He pauses. “Or each other. But if we’re chained to each other that means, like, automatically we’re chained to the same bed, right?”
Junhyung continues to stare. “You’re so weird,” he says, as Hyunseung places both of his hands on either side of Junhyung’s face.
Hyunseung raises his eyebrows. “You like weird.”
“I know,” Junhyung grins and leans in to kiss him.
The fourth, a piggy back ride
“You are so fat,” Hyunseung says, stopping to hoist Junhyung up a little higher, “that it’s kind of stupid.” He trudges on a few more steps and wonders why they made the hallways in Cube so long and winding with no end in sight-like a bleak, metaphoric tunnel. “This is why you don’t have abs, you know.”
Junhyung tugs at his hair. “Yah,” he says, voice somewhere near Hyunseung’s left ear. “I’m a healthy idol-I’m not anorexic.”
Hyunseung just continues to drag his feet. “Stop being so fat,” he says, and thinks that this might be the only position and situation ever where having his hands near Junhyung’s ass actually sheds a negative light on life. “You’ll end up like Seungho-hyung-you already have the emo down.”
The rapper tightens his arms around Hyunseung’s neck playfully-pretending to choke him. Hyunseung smiles to himself, as Junhyung says, a little quieter, “I can get to the elevator from here. You can put me down.”
“Nah,” Hyunseung says. “We can’t have a crippled rapper. There’s nothing badass about a sprained ankle.”
A few more steps in silence-turn the corner, down a dimmer hallway, passing a window, through a doorway.
“You danced really hard today.” Junhyung’s fingers are in Hyunseung’s hair now, reaching forward to sweep back damp bangs, stuck to the dancer’s forehead with sweat-sweat from rehearsal, sweat from the weather, sweat from carrying Junhyung. “I can walk.”
“Yeah,” Hyunseung has to hoist him up again to stop the slipping, “you can walk.” They maneuver through double doors carefully with Junhyung opening one side and Hyunseung sliding through the other. “And I can carry you.”
The elevator is in sight.
“You are so stubborn,” Junhyung says, and Hyunseung can hear the smile in his voice, “that it’s kind of stupid.”
I’ve always been jealous
Junhyung has never thought of himself as romantic.
He’s never thought of himself as unromantic either.
He’s had girlfriends, thought about girls, went on dates, opened doors for them, held their hands, kissed them, bid them good night at their house. He’s had girlfriends and he’s thought about girls, but he’s never thought about doing the things that he did with them. It just wasn’t something particular that really crossed his mind-nothing that really went through his head as something to plan.
It never really went through his head-
But right now-
“Hyung,” Yoseob laughs (screams?). The main vocalist’s eyes are scrunched up tight and his mouth is open wide in huge bouts of laughter as Doojoon grabs him by the stomach and pulls him into his arms-pulls him and tackles him away. “Hyung-what the fuck,” and Yoseob is laughing and laughing and Doojoon is laughing and the leader has thrown him onto the sofa, uncaring of the number of people in the waiting room staring-the directors and KBS staff mostly because their managers and stylists are already used to it.
Most of the eyes are on Doojoon and Yoseob-even Kikwang and Dongwoon are watching them, amused with their own smiles. Most of the eyes are on Doojoon and Yoseob, but Junhyung is facing somewhere else entirely.
He catches Hyunseung’s gaze across the room.
The dancer smiles.
Sixth, midnight movies
“What if she had dandruff?” Hyunseung asks, narrowing his eyes towards the screen. “If she had dandruff, then having that hair would be more expensive, right? Because you need special shampoo for dandruff and she’d use up like five shelves of shampoo every time she showers.” He looks at Junhyung. “Do you think she showers every day? If I was her-wait, do they even have showers in this movie? It’s like a-European medieval kind of place. So they wouldn’t have showers, ri-”
Junhyung kicks Hyunseung from across the couch. “Yah-just fucking watch the movie,” he says. “You’re giving me a headache.”
“I bet she gets a lot of headaches,” Hyunseung says. “That hair must be heavy and-you know-I want a horse like that.”
The rapper sighs and thinks that maybe he should’ve picked a horror movie. Or porn. At least Hyunseung would be either too scared or too horny to criticize anything. And even at that, Junhyung doesn’t know if what Hyunseung is doing right now is criticism. He thinks it’s probably just the weird-as-fuck coming out again during the full moon.
“Why are you so fucking weird?” Junhyung mumbles loudly and flops spread-eagle, with his head on the arm rest, and his arm dangling off the edge of the sofa, hand touching the floor. He stares up through the darkness up at the ceiling of their dorm’s living room-there’s singing going on now and from the sound of the voice, he thinks it might be the evil stepmother.
He stares up at the ceiling-the glare from the television lightly breaking through the darkness. He stares up at the ceiling, tracing the faint circle of the large, round light looking down at him-stares up at it until he can’t anymore because now he’s tracing the fairly distinct circles of two, round eyes. “Hi,” Hyunseung says, straddling the rapper and Junhyung’s body instinctively shifts to adjust to the warm, soft weight.
“Hey,” Junhyung says, and sits up so their faces have barely an inch of space between each other.
Hyunseung’s hands slip beneath Junhyung’s shirt. “If I was locked in a tower, would you come and get me?”
“Depends on how much hair you have.” Junhyung drags his mouth along Hyunseung’s collarbone.
“I’ll throw you a rope,” Hyunseung says, and even though Junhyung isn’t looking at his face, he knows that the dancer’s nose is wrinkling. “You’re a dumbass if you think I’m growing my hair out like that.”
Junhyung pulls away from Hyunseung’s throat to look at him, laughing-quietly, so the others don’t wake up. Hyunseung blinks back simply-slightly expressionless as Junhyung laughs again, this time burying his face into Hyunseung’s shoulder. “You’re lucky I like weird people,” Junhyung says, moving his hands away from Hyunseung’s hips and wrapping his arms tight around the dancer’s waist-hugging him close, and wondering why his face hurts so much from grinning.
Hyunseung wraps his own arms around Junhyung’s neck and hugs back. There’s a bit of laughter in the dancer’s voice when he says, “No, you don’t. You just like me.”
The eighth, I’ll hold a surprise event for you
“You know,” Hyunseung says, as Junhyung stops the door with his foot and pushes Hyunseung through the doorway lightly-mindfully holding onto the back of the dancer’s shirt in case Hyunseung forgets that he’s blindfolded and continues to walk on without Junhyung guiding him, “this is how a lot of horror movies start.” His blinded head turns left and then right. “And music videos. This is how a lot of music videos start too-the ones that usually end up with people dead at the end.”
“Shut up for just a second,” Junhyung says, and closes the door-he locks it, and Hyunseung’s head turns at the sound.
“This is definitely how a lot of horror movies start,” Hyunseung says, and Junhyung thinks that for someone who’s blindfolded in a locked room and knows it, the dancer doesn’t sound too panicked. At all.
Junhyung takes Hyunseung’s hands and leads him to the center of the practice room-the sun is setting outside the window and Junhyung’s already lowered the shades so that there’s not too much fading light that comes in. He takes Hyunseung’s hands and leads him to the center of the practice room, and stops him there-tells him wordlessly with his hands to stand still and wait.
He walks quietly to one corner of the room and starts digging out his iPod. He digs out his iPod and walks to the dock, adjusting the volume on the stereo beforehand. “Just listen, okay?” he says, as he plugs in his iPod and finds the song that he’s looking for. “Listen and tell me what you think.” He glances at Hyunseung just in time to see him nod.
Junhyung presses play.
He presses play and stands up as the music starts to fill the room. He stands up and waits, eyes glued to Hyunseung’s face-to what’s left of Hyunseung’s face with the blindfold covering his eyes-waiting for a change in expression, as much of a change that can be seen with the cloth over half his face. He waits and expects the dancer to speak, to do something around the one-minute mark, maybe the two-minute mark at the latest-
Except Hyunseung doesn’t.
He just stands there, perfectly still.
Junhyung is getting nervous now-he’s getting nervous because he never thought it would be this nerve-wracking. He wasn’t this nervous in front of Tiger-hyung, wasn’t this nervous at all, and he doesn’t understand why he’s nervous, why his palms are sweating and his heart is racing faster than the beat of the song, doesn’t understand why he’s nervous when it’s just Hyunseung.
He doesn’t know why he’s nervous-but he knows that he is, so he pads slowly towards the dancer, behind the dancer and wraps his arms around Hyunseung’s waist, fingers locking over Hyunseung’s stomach, chin on Hyunseung’s shoulder, the edge of the blindfold lightly brushing against Junhyung’s forehead. The dancer’s hands come up over Junhyung’s silently.
“So this is what it sounds like?” Hyunseung says softly, when the song starts to reach the end. “Finished?”
“Yeah,” Junhyung says hoarsely (why is his voice hoarse?). “Yeah-I was out last night finishing it-and-and I wanted to-you know-I wanted you to hear it first. After Tiger-hyung, I mean.” He clears his throat. “I mean-I mean, I know you kind of already know what it’d sound like because you recorded, but-I just-you haven’t heard the entire thing yet-so-yeah-just-wanted to know what you think.”
Hyunseung turns around slowly in Junhyung’s arms-turns around, and tugs the blindfold off. His eyes glow warm and liquid and endless in the unlit practice room-just barely illuminated by the dying sun. His eyes glow, and Junhyung wishes that he really could freeze time-that he could freeze everything like this-that he could make this, whatever it’s called that they have between them, wishes that he could make this last forever.
The dancer slips his hands into Junhyung’s and leans in close, leans in so that their lips are moments apart, leans in so that all Junhyung can see are eyes that glow warm and liquid and endless in an unlit practice room-so that all Junhyung can see is everything he wants to know. He can see everything he wants to know and Hyunseung’s lips curve into a small smile. “Yeah,” he says, “that’s what I think.”
“I love you” - saying those words just once
Junhyung sees all of the bands do a group chant, a group cheer, a group shout, something to pump them up and gather each other-support each other-before they go on stage to record, before a performance in general. Junhyung sees the other bands do it, and BEAST does it too. BEAST does it too, and the moment before their comeback performance is always a little more special-a little more intense-than the rest. This comeback especially, with their first full album, is even more special, even more intense, than that.
They always crowd together, arms around each other’s shoulders, Doojoon always gives a little pep talk, their managers are always there to give a few words, everyone gives a few words, they all shout and chant and try to start the adrenaline through their bodies, they always do a Fighting at the end before they break and head for the stage.
It’s part of their routine-it’s kind of idol-band-tradition-something they always do. It’s something that they always do, and recently-recently, ever since maybe-Bad Girl, perhaps-ever since a few promotion periods ago, Junhyung now has something that he always does, too.
He always does it after they’ve dispersed-after the others are walking up on stage, or in the process of filing on through the curtains. He always makes sure that he’s bringing up the rear-always waits till the others are already on. He always waits until all of the others except Hyunseung and himself are already on stage. He always waits until the very last moment-the very last moment, cuts it so close that the fans’ screams are already filling their ears. He always waits until the very last moment-
Grabs Hyunseung’s hand-
Whispers into his ear.
And Hyunseung always looks at him-
Smiles-
Hyunseung always looks at him, and smiles, and opens his mouth-
And even though the B2UTIES’ screams drown him out-drown him out because Hyunseung likes to always cut it even closer-always likes to reply just as they both appear on stage to take their starting positions-
But Junhyung hears him anyway.