Emofest09 Lorcan/Hugo/Lysander 9
The more Hugo thought about it, the more he realized that the whole mess he’d gotten himself into really wasn’t his fault at all. While he’d certainly taken some part in making it worse, if it wasn’t for Scorpius Malfoy he never would have been in such a sensitive situation to begin with. If it wasn’t for Scorpius Malfoy he wouldn’t have had the opportunity to screw everything up so royally. If Scorpius had been a little more discreet, if he hadn’t been such a prat, all of this could have been avoided.
While outside of the Great Hall he had claimed Abbey had been the one responsible for spreading the rumors about him, he knew the truth, he knew that Scorpius had been the one to open his mouth when Hugo flat out refused to the terms of his black mail. Hugo was still sure that was the right call about the game and now he was just as sure that Scorpius had gone too far in gossiping about personal details he had no right to reveal to anyone.
It took him most of the day but before dinner, Hugo had finally managed to gather up enough courage to confront Scorpius directly. He knew it wouldn’t solve any of his problems with the twins or his family but Scorpius needed to be taken down a peg or two and once Hugo had done so he was sure he would feel at least a little bit better.
He knew Scorpius would be in the dungeons, it was the perfect hiding place for snakes and villains. Albus had told him a long time ago where the entrance to the Slytherin dorm was and Hugo went there, taking the time he spent waiting for someone to come in or out to let his anger grow and compound on itself so he could really give Scorpius a piece of his mind. By the time he heard someone approach he was about ready to start spitting fire. He recognized the Slytherin seventh year from playing against her in Quidditch but wouldn’t know her name to save his life.
She didn’t seem to suffer the same memory loss and looked a little amused that he was there at all. “Weasley, what are you doing here?
“I’m here to see Malfoy,” he told her with every bit of the venom he was saving for the man himself.
She looked him up and down and her smile only grew. “Of course you are. All the gay-straight boys come to see Scorpius at one point or another.” Murmuring the password to the portion of the wall so Hugo couldn’t hear it, the entry way opened giving him a glimpse of dark black and green interior of their common room.
“I’m not gay,” Hugo felt the need to inform her, a denial he knew he had to continue until every last rumor had died.
She looked back over her shoulder at him and shook her head before replying disdainfully, “I don’t care, Weasley,” and then disappeared inside.
Scorpius didn’t keep Hugo waiting long, something that surprised him, although when he came out with Albus right behind him he realized why exactly that was. He had to admit a great deal of what he had planned to say to the blond was now unusable with Albus there. He was, after all, trying to patch things up with his family and he knew insulting people his family members considered friends was not the way to accomplish that particular goal.
“Don’t just stand there with your mouth hanging open, Weasley, that’s not going to help your I’m not gay defense very much if I’m standing right in front of you when you do it.” Scorpius droned.
Taking his advice although not because Scorpius had been the one to give it, Hugo snapped his mouth closed, looking between the two of them. “I’m not gay,” was what his mind came up with to say despite all of the wonderfully scathing things he’d plan to barb Scorpius with while he had been waiting.
“I think all three of us know that’s not true,” Scorpius sang in a light hearted tone as Albus rolled his eyes behind him.
“You’re an idiot, Hugo, seriously. A big, feather-headed idiot!” Albus rubbed his fingers over his eyes beneath his glasses before nabbing Scorpius’ elbow and pulling him back towards the common room. “This is a waste of time.”
Scorpius didn’t seem to want to go although now, with his fire extinguished, Hugo kind of wished he would so he wouldn’t end up embarrassing himself. “Now, now, Al, Hugo came all the way down here to say something we should at least give him a chance.”
“He doesn’t get it!” Albus insisted. “I can’t stand here and look at that blank face of his anymore!”
“Hugo, do you have something you want to tell me?” Scorpius implored again with all the patience of an adult dealing with a bashful child.
“I do,” Hugo began and then faltered. He thought he had anyway but with what Albus was saying he wasn’t sure that was the case anymore. What didn’t he get? What was he missing? “You’re a prat,” he told Scorpius. “You shouldn’t have told everyone about me just because I wouldn’t play along with your stupid game.”
“You see?” Albus shouted and gestured to Hugo with both hands. “It’s like talking to a brick wall! It’s the same rubbish over and over and over again. I can’t take it anymore!”
“Aw, Albus,” Scorpius cooed and Hugo watched in shock as the blond pulled his cousin closer, holding him the way one might a lover as he stroked his fingers through his dark hair. “Don’t be like that, he’s trying his best to piece it all together. If you look closely you can practically see the cogs turning around in his head.”
Albus, on the other hand, wasn’t going to take any of Scorpius coddling or nonsense and he pulled out of his grasp, swatting his hands away. “Don’t paw at me like one of your insipid playthings, how many times do I have to tell you?”
Momentarily distracted, Hugo looked between the pair of them. “Are you two like...you know?” He didn’t want to think about it now but once he had, Hugo realized when he had been caught by Scorpius watching him in that empty classroom an eternity ago he hadn’t seen who it was actually giving him the blow job. The only detail he did remember was dark hair.
At the question, Scorpius laughed and Albus looked perturbed, as if it were an accusation he had had to suffer through before. “No. Never. Never in a million years. But that doesn’t matter, Hugo, that’s not why you’re here and if that’s what you want to talk about it, we’re leaving. We have better things to do then listen to you lie even though all of us know you aren’t being honest.”
Was that it, Hugo wondered? Was Albus just waiting for him to admit he was gay? Was that the key to earning his family’s forgiveness? It certainly seemed a lot to ask but maybe, just maybe if he admitted it here when no one else was around Albus would tell the others and he’d be forgiven without having to admit anything in public. Not real public anyway. “Fine,” he said at long last, looking down at his feet in shame. Taking a deep breath he sighed and sank back against the wall, looking back up at Albus. “I’m gay. I admit it. I’m queer. Are you happy?”
Albus looked at him as if Hugo had been put together backwards and he shook his head. “No! No, I’m not happy with that, Hugo. I don’t care if you’re gay or not. I don’t care who you’re shagging or what gets you off, it doesn’t matter to me if you admit it or not, I know the truth already.”
“Then what do you want from me?” Agitated and mollified all at the same time, Hugo wasn’t sure what he was supposed to say now. Whatever Albus wanted or expected out of him was just far too mystic for him to grasp. “I’m sorry! I’m an idiot, I don’t understand what you want!”
“He’s losing it like a rabid animal, Hugo, because you’re a coward.” Scorpius informed him, leaning back against the wall outside the common room as if he knew what was coming. While Hugo didn’t know what to expect he could definitely see a storm brewing behind his cousin’s eyes.
“Everyone knows who we are, “ Albus began and Hugo had absolutely no idea how that related to anything. “Because of who our parents are and what they did for the Wizarding world, everyone knows who we are, Hugo. James, myself, Lily, You, and Rose, we’re all celebrities and we were from the very moment we were conceived. Every body loves us! James was worshiped when he first enrolled here. All the professors cut him slack, every body wanted to be his friend, he even had his pick of any girl in the whole school and he loved it, he milked every ounce of that fame and special treatment for everything that he could and he shouldn’t have. He had no right to do any of it. He didn’t do anything to earn those kinds of privileges. He didn’t sacrifice anything. He didn’t spend seven years watching terror unfold all around him and his friends and family being murdered in front of him. He wasn’t forced to face an obstacle more powerful and terrifying than anything he could even imagine. The only thing he did was exist and for how he was treated he may as well have been The Harry Potter himself!”
Baffled, Hugo wanted to ask what any of this had to do with him being gay but knew even the slightest peep from him was likely to have dire consequences. He could see as much in the way that not even Scorpius was taking this matter lightly so he just kept his mouth shut.
“It’s the same thing for me and for Lily and for you and Rose. People see us that way because of who our parents are. I don’t know about you or your sister but Lily and I don’t like it. We want to be seen and known for the things that we’ve done, not ride on the accomplishments of our parents. What dad did was amazing and worthy of admiration and I’m as thankful as anyone else but I’m not taking an ounce of credit for the atrocities that he lived through. I have more respect for him than that.
“The same goes for Scorpius. No matter what Rose or anyone else says we all know that they all hate him. No matter what Scorpius does or says that’s not going to change. I know he’s not a saint but even if he was it wouldn’t make a difference. The same reason people love us is the same reason that they hate him. They hear his name and instantly slam the door. They don’t want to get to know him or listen to him or have anything to do with him because his father and grand father were servants of the Dark Lord. They won’t even take into account how they ended up in that position or the things they did to rectify and compensate for their crimes. Do you know sometimes when Scorpius and I go to Hogsmeade or Diagon Alley there are places that won’t even do business with him because of who his parents were? That’s not fair. It’s more than not fair, it’s wrong. It’s persecution. He shouldn’t be hated anymore than we should be loved because no matter who we came from the moment we were born we hadn’t done anything to deserve either praise or damnation!”
“He black mailed me!” Hugo interrupted because he just couldn’t take it anymore. “Did he bother to tell you that Al? I accidentally walked in on him and he said if I didn’t do what he said, if I didn’t betray my team mates, then he’d tell everyone! If you want people to judge him by his actions what am I supposed to think based off of that?”
“He didn’t do that to you,” Albus grabbed the hand Hugo had lifted to jab accusatory fingers at Scorpius and threw it down back to Hugo’s side as if it were a weapon.
“Yes he did,” Hugo insisted, “I can’t believe you’re taking his word over mien!”
“I’m not! Albus’ voice rose to drown out Hugo’s. “I’m the one that told him to do that, Hugo, it was me! I told him to put you in an impossible position but he didn’t tell the school about you, he never would have.”
“What?” The revelation was like a slap in the face and as the words sunk in Hugo began to think maybe Albus should be the one apologizing to him. “Why would you do something like that?”
“I don’t know if I was wrong or not, Hugo, but I don’t regret it. I did it because you’re just like James! You’re content to sail through this life on your parents’ accomplishments and it makes me sick. I was trying to get you to face who you really are. I mean, come on, it’s no secret that you’re gay. I even heard my mom and dad talking to yours about it last Yule. We all know, we’ve known, everyone in our family knows!”
“What?” It was another epiphany that Hugo had no idea how to take. “How could you know? I didn’t even know. I mean, I just realized when I saw Malfoy--I’ve never even, I mean, I didn’t...How could everyone know?”
“Hugo,” Albus’ voice lowered considerably, his indignant expression turning tender, “you knew. Don’t lie to yourself. We’re family and even if I’m so mad at you I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive you I still don’t want to see you like this. You need to face who you really are. More than the twins or your team mates or anyone else in this school by lying to yourself and to everyone and running around like a maniac pretending to be something you’re not you’re hurting yourself the most. Our parents were great people, Hugo, but you’re just as great as they are.”
Letting the words sink in, Hugo hoped that Albus didn’t expect some sort of response from him right away because it definitely was a lot to take in and think about. “I think I should go,” he murmured and seemingly satisfied by that comment, Albus nodded.
“Alright, Hugo. Think about it. Maybe I’ll see you at dinner.”
When he sat down at his back corner table in the library, Hugo didn’t even notice that the green charms book he’d left with his message for the twins had been returned to its usual vertical standing. He knew even before he made it there that Albus was right; he was right about everything. He was more than happy to go through life with a silver spoon in his mouth although his particular ticket to easy street wasn’t in the form of wealth so much as it was reputation. He never actually went out of his way to point out and remind people about who his father was and what he’d done during the war but that was probably only because he knew he didn’t have to. Harry Potter may have been the hero of the era but just as many people knew who his parents were and all that had accomplished during the war. He hadn’t done anything to exceed his last name’s reputation.
Rose certainly had. From the very beginning of her time at Hogwarts she’d worked to distinguish herself as an individual. She didn’t just get good marks in school, she was a brilliant witch, one of the most brilliant Hogwarts had seen in decades. She didn’t brag about it and while most people just assumed she was a little carbon copy of her mother, Hugo knew she worked harder than anyone could imagine and deserved every ounce of credit she got.
It wasn’t that he should define himself by the fact that he was gay, that wasn’t what Albus had meant. It wasn’t going to be his big, life long accomplishment. He couldn’t help that he was gay anymore than he could who his parents were. He just knew that until that issue was resolved, he wouldn’t have an opportunity to move on and do other things. At least in Albus opinion the cause of this family wide fight wasn’t because he was gay at all but because he wasn’t being honest about the person that he was. Apparently, to Albus, denying ones self was one of the worst things someone could do to themselves. He was beginning to think Albus was right.
He had put himself through an awful lot of needless strife. If he had been willing to accept himself for what he knew he was he wouldn’t have led Abbey on. Even through all of her meanness and insanity he could see that she was just hurt on account of his deceitfulness, letting her believe there was something going on between them that wasn’t, just like his relationship with every other girl he’d dated. He hadn’t come away from encounters like those unscathed either. Each time any one of them had tried anything it had been awkward, uncomfortable, and sometimes a little terrifying and always for days after that he would brood over what was wrong with him.
If he had been up front with the person that he was he wouldn’t have wasted so much energy disgusted by finding other guys around him attractive. He wouldn’t have waffled back and forth between if he was gay or if he wasn’t or what he could do to make sure he was what he thought was acceptable and normal. It was easy to recall the pain he’d been in sitting at this very table in the library writing on that scrap of parchment that he had no idea who he was.
Not to mention all of the pranks and teasing and name calling he’d suffered, the night spent sleeping in the common room because his house mates didn’t want to be around him and the afternoon spent in the hospital wing because he couldn’t face anyone anymore without feeling like he was going to lose it. The past few weeks had been a slow torturous hell and while he’d been looking for anyone and anything to blame all of his problems on the truth of it was he had been the one to cause all of them.
While he had been grasping at straws, trying to convince everyone around him that he was straight, he had been the only one suffering. All of the people that had teased him or made fun of him for the rumors they heard didn’t really care one way or another about him, they weren’t the ones in pain. Liam or Palmer weren’t any more bothered when they thought he was gay than they were when they thought he was straight. While they may have felt the need to ostracize him because he was different it wasn’t as if they went through their day afterwards in misery. They would tease him when they saw him and when they were apart, their lives went on with other things and other problems. He alone was left sulking, agonizing when they had already forgotten and moved on.
When he thought of it that way, Hugo began to realize what a waste of energy it was living his life worrying about what other people thought about him and doing everything he could to please them. He could have put all of that effort into making himself happy. He could have been more like Lorcan or Lysander who had given up living for other people a long time ago. It was true they were mocked and teased but the harsh words or actions of their peers didn’t wound them like a knife to the heart the way they had Hugo. He remembered the way Lysander had looked outside of the Great Hall when Liam was making fun of them, as if he were sad, not because he was hurting but because he felt genuinely bad for those that were baiting him.
“You really screwed up,” Hugo told himself solemnly and feeling more disappointed in himself than he ever had before, he sank back in his chair and covered his face with his hands, rubbing exhaustion from his eyes.
Now that he’d come to some conclusions on his own, Hugo wasn’t sure if he still had a chance to really compensate for all the stupid things he’d done but he knew he would try. As he stood, stretching his arms over his head he happened to glance to his right and took note of the fact that the green charms book was definitely not in the same position he’d left it in.
Nearly tripping over his chair to get to it, Hugo pulled the book out of its spot and flipped it open to the paper he’d left tucked inside. I’m sorry it said across one side just like he’d written and turning it over, Hugo had to sit down before he fell over. Written at the bottom in script he knew belonged to Lysander was a reply, I forgive you.
While Lysander may have forgiven him, Hugo wasn’t so blind with relief to not realize that the younger twin had written “I” and not “we”. That evening on his way to the Great Hall, Hugo wasn’t sure what he was going to say or do to put things right with his family, his house mates, and most importantly Lorcan and Lysander but he knew he’d figure it out. Among the other things he’d realized and come to terms with in the library earlier, Hugo had also become aware of just how important the twins were to him.
Rose had been right there, they were his friends, the people he had put his trust in and who trusted him back, people that had forgiven him of horrible things before and who would forgive him of horrible things in the future because that was part of what love meant and he most definitely loved them. He knew the twins felt the same way about him that he did, they had to or they wouldn’t be as hurt by what he’d said and done as they were.
For once, while approaching something he knew had the potential to be a big scandal and a lot of trouble for him, Hugo wasn’t the smallest bit nervous. He had the same confident, assured feeling in his stomach that evening as he had when he’d decided he wasn’t going to throw any more Quidditch games for Scorpius. He knew he was making the right decision.
Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, NEXT final