Comments | hitori_ryuu: The Mirror and The Sword: Prologue (379 words)

hitori_ryuu

The Mirror and The Sword: Prologue (379 words)

Dec 22, 2010 22:53

She was being torn apart.

She felt the coldness of the room pierce her skin and sink into ever fiber and bone. She felt her eyes open and saw it. There was the room again, dark, damp, freezing, sucking every scrap of warmth from her, her very will to live.
( Oh snap here we go. )

writing, oh look i'm back again, tm&ts, crap, prologue, nanowrimo

Comments 6

mavinmaverick December 29 2010, 01:34:28 UTC

Well, aside from wanting to throw in a couple semi-colons in the first paragraph, it looks pretty good. I always enjoy a good dream sequence. They're fun to write because they can be both obscure and telling. :0)

hitori_ryuu December 30 2010, 05:43:32 UTC

I haven't quite gotten the handle on using semi-colons naturally personally, but I would agree there are a few places that could use them.

tamela_j January 4 2011, 00:57:19 UTC

Nice and vivid. I like it.

This sentence needs something though...

She felt her eyes open and saw it.

hitori_ryuu January 4 2011, 01:10:09 UTC

I love it, thanks!

nanobookwrm January 4 2011, 01:34:03 UTC

I'm sadly just getting to this. How detailed of a crit do you want? If you'd like me to do a full one I can copy and past or something and send it to you. Or I can just like give you a sweeping one.

Jules

hitori_ryuu January 4 2011, 03:53:01 UTC

I'd like a detailed crit if you feel up to giving me one.