The Mirror and The Sword: Chapter 2 (2,263 words)

[hitori_ryuu]

Shyla still felt an aching deep within her chest as she slowly walked down the corridor. There was very little here for her, she realized, with Tanir gone. For much of her life, he was the one person she ever felt close to. She remembered being young and being carried around on his back. She remembered sitting on his lap as he read to her and told

Comments

[mavinmaverick]

I started reading Chapter 3, having not remembered if I read 2. Looks like I haven't. So, here I go on commenting. It probably won't be line-by-line, but I'll do my best to catch everything that strikes me

[mavinmaverick]

Just a couple of grammar things, because I went over the posting character limit:

"“Oh he’s always been like this." - 'that,' instead of 'this.'

"Marrin is much fonder of other things besides myself, unfortunately" - 'than myself' instead of 'besides.'

"Besides that, Tanir had never spoken of her parents, and nor had Mirr for that matter." It might be cleaner to take off the 'Besides that,' and the 'and' before 'nor.' "Tanir had never spoken of her parents, nor had Mirr for that matter."

"She could hear sound of soft raindrops pattering..." You need a 'the' before sound.

"“And Shyla, with whom you share nothing in common with -" Take out the second "with"

[hitori_ryuu]

Thanks for this! I really do appreciate it.

[mavinmaverick]

No problem. I hope to get to Chapter 4 tomorrow!

[hitori_ryuu]

Haha! I hope you will too!