Concrit Post 16

[hmd_me]

How's My Driving?
∞ Comment with all the journals you RP with (and the communities they're from).
∞ Reply to other people's comments (anon or logged in) with constructive criticism.
∞ Learn from the suggestions and profit!

▶ Play nice! Flaming will not be tolerated, and threads with such will be deleted. Save the wank for anonmemearchive/roleplaysecrets▶ IP addresses are not

Comments

[valentinite]

@damned
Sangamon Taylor (toxicspiderman)
Taura (ninelivesonce)
Lana Skye (fourstonewalls)

Crit on writing style &c also very much appreciated.

[lady_angelina]

Honestly, I think you have Lana down very well, from her inner thoughts to her on-the-ball attention to details, to her cool yet sometimes subtly sarcastic tone. <3 I can't think of anything for improvement other than to keep up the great work! :D

And you already know what I think of S.T. and Taura, and that hasn't changed at all. :3

Sorry, unhelpful "crit" is unhelpful. XD;

Also, on a non-RP-related subject, I don't know if you saw my entry about this, but someone on girl_gamers said they liked my tl;dr icon that you made and that they wanted one. So... pre-emptive permission to let them and anyone else gank it with credit to you? You've been getting lots of compliments for it. :3

[valentinite]

It is always up for ganking. Preferably with credit, but I really don't care that much. I made it because it amused me and I wanted it to exist.

[lady_angelina]

I'll always stress that they need to give credit to you, but thanks so much! :D It's really quite popular, believe me... because after I posted the entry, then another person said they wanted the icon, etc., so this is good for future reference. <3

[blackberet]

Okay. So as I mentioned on Plurk, I just read Zodiac, and then I read a couple dozen threads from S.T.'s most recent tracking post, so some thoughts:

First, you're hitting the right catchphrases ("mediagenic," "duck-squeezers," "pseudoshake," the imagined headlines) that tell me this is S.T. This is important stuff and it needs to be there, but I like that you're not overdoing it or relying too heavily on quirks rather than actual characterization. His references to canon events are similarly appropriate.

More importantly, I think you're doing a great job capturing the tone of S.T.'s thoughts and speech. His intelligence and wit (as well as yours) are constantly in evidence. By way of demonstrating what I'm really liking, I picked five lines that jumped out as particularly strong in the posts I read:

- "He used a plastic safety razor that was made in Taiwan by a company headquartered a twenty-minute bike ride -- following traffic laws -- from The Largest Yard in Brighton." (Good both because of the explicit observation about S.T.'s

part II

[blackberet]

One more, actually: "Three buses were doing their best to cut down on the pristine environment. Idling loudly, and farting out carbon monoxide and a variety of more environmentally-toxic (though less immediately dangerous) hydrocarbon breakdown byproducts." (The way he personifies the buses feels very right here, and I like it whenever you can get observations about biochemistry or S.T.'s work in.)

This is a standout thread, too. It's good that you were able to get him in his element to some extent, because S.T. is a very competent character in a lot of different ways and Landel's limits how often he can demonstrate that (especially as a normal guy surrounded by all these superhero types). One of the best details is the mention of "plastics baggies." That kind of thinking is essential to S.T.'s character: he's a logistics guy; he can look at a problem (like the need to block a pipe) and figure out what physical pieces need to be put together for the solution

Re: part II

[lady_angelina]

Elisabeth. I am in complete awe of your crit-giving skills.

*Does the Wayne's World "I'm not worthy, orz" bow*

Seriously, if I had even an millionth of the ability to write something as well detailed and thoughtful as you, plus you seem to catch onto things that fly way over my head... if I had even a tiny fraction of that ability, I'd be set. *_____*

Re: part II

[blackberet]

I knew that English major would be good for something. :D

Re: part II

[valentinite]

Thanks! And I agree with all of this -- I generally don't have time to do a gigantic monologue on a topic mid-thread -- I wish I did, but yes, that's a conscious decision a lot of the time based solely on getting a tag out in less than an hour. The short-short tags are actually very intentional -- I find the book swings back and forth between wall-to-wall description and some very snappy back-and-forth dialog sections, and while I can't determine what my threadmate is going to reply with, if they're bouncing dialog I'll bounce it back. Or if he's asking a question/something that needs an immediate reply. (Especially if I'm pretty sure my threadmate is on and ready to post.) It's less that I want a whole thread to go like that, and more that I'm trying for the verse-chorus-verse sort of rhythm, but it doesn't always happen

Re: part II

[blackberet]

All right, when I pay more attention to the way your threads are moving with that in mind, it makes good sense. You're right that that verse-chorus-verse is how he operates; the effect is just much stronger when it's broken down into tags. But even in the shortest tags I don't ever feel like you're not giving your threadmates enough to work with, so rock on.

I think working in first person when you need to is a good strategy for him, too. (And I'm the queen of the semicolons myself, so I feel you on that. If I played characters from prose-based canons I'd just be boned in that regard.)

Re: part II

[valentinite]

Thanks! I appreciate all of this

Re: part II

[lady_angelina]

And given the story you did for Oktoberfest, you'd be fine with prose canons -- I am still in awe of how well you captured other people's voices for their characters. It wasn't just the characters-in-canon, it was them plus the player's voices and was really lovely.

This!! Oh my god... I think she even had von Karma's character and voice down much better than I did. I was in complete awe of that. *____*

Re: part II

[valentinite]

And that was totally not meant to post anon. WTF, LJ. Though I think you can tell it's me.

[asondeiru]

I know absolutely nothing about Sangamon Taylor or Taura, but I can give comments about Lana