Different (15/15) A Different Beginning
Fic: Different (15/15)
Title: Different
Author: bluebriefs and hobbes73
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Everything becomes different after an unexpected move by Alex.
A Different Beginning
Olivia scowled at her alarm clock and moved to snatch it off the nightstand. She had forgotten to turn it off the night before. The cord snapped from the outlet as the detective tossed it across the room. Her neighbor hit the wall a couple times in response and Olivia pulled her pillow over her head. Mr. Fix It, the wall pounder, had no right to object since his bed squeaked like a giant squeeze toy at all hours of the night and at least three times a week.
Olivia woke again two hours later and her mood did not improve. She got out of bed and promptly stubbed her toe on her nightstand. Swearing under her breath she lowered herself on the edge of the mattress to rub her foot but ended up sliding off and landing with a thump on the floor.
After a few seconds she slumped down on the floor and stared at the ceiling. Getting back into bed for the rest of the day didn’t sound half bad. Olivia stared at the dust bunnies huddled under her bed. She drew a blank trying to recall the last time she had vacuumed there.
She sat up with a groan. There were things to be done today. Working for five days and four nights had left her with no time for the little things. Little things that had to be taken care of before life got more complicated.
Complexities aside Olivia decided that her day had to have a better start than with a bruised toe and sore ass. After much searching she found a clean towel hiding in her closet. She picked out her favorite bubble bath, ran the water and soaked for an hour.
Afterwards, she came out and looked around her messy living space and decided to not ruin the ordered chaos. She was off for the next three days and there would be plenty of time to clean. There were more pressing matters at hand. Starting with the relentless voice mail notice on her cell phone.
You have five new messages. To list… BEEP.
"Olivia, it's Laney. I… I want to apologize for last night. It's been quite some time since I've consumed so much alcohol and I realize my behavior bordered on boorish. I've no afternoon classes today. Please call me back I'd like to have lunch so that I can make it up to you."
She erased the message thinking that Laney really missed the mark if she thought last night merely bordered on boorish.
"Hi Olivia. It's Laney again. How about lunch at Zocalo, my treat? Call me."
No, definitely not Zocalo. She hit erase again.
"Hey Olivia. This is Maureen Stabler. Mom and Dad's anniversary is coming up and we're gonna surprise them with an overnight at Niagara Falls. Is there any way you can help me make sure he can get the 18th through the 22nd off? I'd call Captain Cragen but I don't know him very well. Um, anyways call me back and let me know. Thanks."
Olivia smiled as she thought about her partner and his family. Elliot was an idiot sometimes. Lucky for him his kids took after Kathy.
"Hey. I know you're off today but if there's anyway you can e-mail me your original notes for the Closten case I would appreciate it. Thanks."
Olivia replayed the message twice so that she could hear the voice again. Then she sighed and declared herself pathetic.
"Olivia, it's Laney. Please call me."
After setting down her cell Olivia booted up her laptop. It was ancient and slow but replacing it was not in her budget. She kept a fairly current back up on an external drive so that when the processor finally went to the great computer heap in Hell she would have her data.
Olivia e-mailed Alex the notes and followed it up with a second e-mail with questions about three other cases. While she was online she sent Cragen a short message about Maureen's request. Before she finished typing the message to Cragen Alex had responded from her Blackberry.
Olivia smiled at the message. Alex wasn’t one for text speak and her e-mail was riddled with grammatical errors. Apparently she was in a huge hurry. Olivia replied and shut down her mail program before they could start an e-mail chain. Next, she started on the little things by paying several almost due bills online.
After leaving Maureen a voice mail Olivia procrastinated a while longer. Then with her thoughts in place she bit the bullet and called Laney. She turned down the invitation to Zocalo and suggested they meet at the Daily Grind. Laney's enthusiasm seemed tempered by Olivia's tone.
Olivia was ten minutes late and slid into a chair across from Laney without an excuse. She chewed on the inside of her cheek when she saw Laney's bloodshot eyes.
"Hi," Laney greeted her.
"Good morning," Olivia returned. Laney didn’t look convinced that it was. "How do you feel?" Olivia inquired.
"Like I drank too much and made a fool of myself," Laney went for the truth.
"It happens," Olivia answered. God knew that she had tied one on more than once. But it was one thing to get plastered at Alex's New Years party. It was an entirely different thing to enter a bar already drunk.
"I suppose but I'm not accustomed to acting like my more immature students. I apologize," Laney said but Olivia waved her off.
"Don't worry about it. It's not like you do it every night," Olivia told her. Laney looked extremely relieved. Then Olivia burst her bubble. "There is something else we need to talk about," she said.
"What's that?" Laney asked sipping her drink.
"I don’t think we should see each other anymore. I… I'm sorry, Laney."
"Is this because of the amount of wine I consumed last night?"
You have no idea, Olivia thought as she thought back to Laney's drunken ramblings of the other cops she had dated.
"No," Olivia lied without regret.
"Is there someone else?" Laney asked. Olivia hesitated as she attempted to find an appropriate response. She saw Laney's face fall in realization.
"Not like you mean. I mean she's an ex. Well, sort of an ex. Christ I can't even figure it out in my head let alone explain it to you," Olivia answered. She took a deep breath and looked Laney in the eye. "There is a woman I know that I have some unresolved feelings for."
"I see. Is she straight?" The older woman had gone from hurt to amused in seconds which irritated Olivia.
"Does it matter? She… I feel like I've been using you. It's not fair to either of us for me to pretend otherwise."
"I felt no pretension the other night," Laney told her and Olivia winced.
"I shouldn’t have allowed that to happen," Olivia said contritely.
"That dress you were wearing last night wasn’t exactly an 'I need to let you down gently' statement either," Laney said with accusation in her voice.
"I had planned on talking to you after I spoke to her. Then I realized how selfish that was this morning. I need to resolve my feelings for her before I can move on with someone else. It wouldn't be fair to ask you to wait, Laney," Olivia said.
"Shouldn’t I have some say in this decision? What if I think you're worth waiting for?"
"If you really knew me you wouldn’t think that. I've been killing myself to make up for all the times that my work has interrupted our time. I don’t usually do that. Could you really be happy being second place to my job? And not only my job but be happy knowing that I am hung up on someone else?" Olivia asked.
"I thought I had made that abundantly clear. Your work is important - I understand that. And I have no issue when your cell phone rings in the middle of our time together. But you're right that I can't play second fiddle to another woman. Have you been seeing her behind my back?" Laney asked as if she was looking for a reason to be angry.
"Not in the way you mean. We've worked several cases together and things are strictly professional," Olivia responded hoping to lead Laney into thinking it was another officer.
"I see. I suppose I should wish you well. I don’t know if I'm that big a person, Olivia."
"You don’t have to be. I should have been straight with you from the beginning. I am sorry, Laney," Olivia said honestly.
"So am I," Laney replied.
They sat in uncomfortable silence nursing their drinks. Olivia had ordered a bagel that remained untouched so she nibbled at it. After a long stretch of stillness Laney asked quietly, "Do you think we could be friends?"
Olivia didn’t know the answer to that question but she told her, "I'm sure we could try."
Laney seemed satisfied with that and the tension ebbed slightly. Olivia chewed slowly and then began to tell Laney about the kid who had hid under the stoop for hours. Laney, even in her hung over state, hung on to every word. Olivia almost felt bad about using her work as a distraction but went with it knowing it was exactly what Laney was wanting.
* * *
Olivia returned home to spend the rest of the day listless around her apartment. Stacks of mail on her end table, a pile of unfolded laundry taking squatter on the couch and the takeout boxes on the kitchen table were evidence of her aborted attempts to do something, anything.
Having decided that chores wasn't going to help either in keeping her mind off things or settling any of the restlessness she was feeling she went to the gym. When she got there she picked the treadmill farthest away from everyone else and ran.
She didn’t want to think about anything. Anyone. She kept the volume of her music up. Olivia focused on The Stones, The Chili Peppers, Motorhead and nothing else. Her attempt at blasting the thoughts and memories from her mind worked pretty well. Thoughts of all the signs she had missed about Laney, the searing memory of kissing Alex and the darker visions of work fled in the face of a 10k run.
She ran until there was fire in her lungs.
After wiping the treadmill down she retreated to an area where yoga and aerobics were taught. She collapsed onto the floor and lay there catching her breath. Her lungs, legs and back were all aching. Her ears were ringing from the music but the runners high she was experiencing kept her from caring. She almost missed the soft voice that greeted her.
"Hi."
Olivia opened her eyes, cursing herself for being careless. She stared up at the source of the voice. He looked harmless enough. Five seven, blond and his thin frame pegged him as a runner. Olivia sat up quickly moving to defend if needed. Why she was reacting to him this guardedly she couldn’t really say, she just knew that he made her uncomfortable.
"Hey," she replied carefully.
"I was watching you on the treadmill. How far did you run?"
Apparently not far enough. "I don’t know."
"You don’t… You didn’t check?" He asked in astonishment. Olivia doubted his bewilderment just as she did his curiosity.
"I knew when I was done," Olivia said with a shrug. She stretched her aching left leg never taking her eyes off the man.
He held himself in a manner that she was way too familiar with. The long sleeves and weight lifting gloves would cover any tattoos but nothing would ever put emotions in those eyes. For an ex-con it was taking him a long time to make her as a cop.
She gulped a drink from her water bottle and he looked horrified. She listened to him ramble about water not being sufficient and that she should really join him for a wheat germ soy something, something, something. She didn’t really hear his line about the health benefits because she was too busy memorizing his face.
In the end she turned him down but got his name and planned to run it at her first chance. If it came up as his real name she would eat her water bottle.
It was a quarter past eleven when she left the gym. Her hair was still damp from the halfhearted effort at drying it. The hot shower felt good though. On the journey home she kept an eye out for the ex-con. She wondered if Cragen would find out if she logged on from home to run him.
As Olivia crossed the street to enter her apartment building a flash of lightning overhead lit up the sky. The clouds, so dark and heavy they were visible in the night sky were about to let loose.
"Olivia!" A voice called out from behind, from a distance.
She turned around and saw a tall, slim figure walking towards her. Alex's posture was ramrod straight and resolute. Olivia took Alex in as she approached. Her trench coat was unbelted and it flapped in the mild breeze so it looked like she was strutting down a runway. In her right hand Alex held an umbrella.
"You're a long way from home," Olivia said when Alex drew close enough. She eyed the blonde's footwear. "Tell me you didn't walk the whole way."
"I'm parked down there."
She had driven down armed with only with a piece of paper that had the detective's address and the umbrella that she had picked up out of habit. Alex had circled the block at least three times looking for a parking spot near Olivia's building and almost dented a dilapidated Jeep when she tried to squeeze her sporty Lexus in between it and an SUV.
Olivia nodded, regarding Alex silently when a thought suddenly occurred to her. "How do you know where I live?"
Alex's mouth quirked. "Do you really want to know?"
Maybe it was from the severe lack of sleep. Maybe it was the fallout from the upheaval of emotions that had been adding up since they were alone together the last time. Whatever it was, Alex being coy right now was about to become the straw that broke the proverbial back.
"What are you doing here?" Olivia asked curtly.
"I wanted to see you."
Olivia forced herself to not respond other than nodding. The emotional wall she was attempting to erect was crumbling fast. Shit. She shifted in place and waited on Alex to elaborate.
Alex, having said the first thing that came to mind, now found her carefully rehearsed words lodged in the back of her throat. Why was it that speaking became immeasurably difficult in the presence of the woman in front of her?
Olivia was standing with her arms crossed, and her eyes were narrowed in expectancy. She projected no authority with the pose, only a vulnerability that surprised Alex when she recognized it as such. Alex had never seen Olivia afraid... if that was the word for it. She didn't think her friend, who could rage with the best of them and who possessed infinite compassion and kindness for the victims she encountered, even knew the word fear.
"I...," Alex started to say and shook her head. "I've been doing a lot of thinking and I think you deserve to know the truth."
Inside, Olivia was scared to death of the truth. She wanted to tell Alex that if the truth was "it was all a mistake", she'd rather not know. Don't bother RSVPing your regrets. She would prefer ignorance to having the connection when they kissed, a link that stirred her to the core, be considered a mistake or worse. The tightness in her chest told her there was no weapon in her emotional arsenal capable of blocking a blow of rejection from Alex.
Olivia's outward reticence forced Alex to speak again. "I'd like to explain myself but do you think we can do this somewhere less public?"
Olivia felt like she was preparing herself to be dumped even though it was she who did the dumping earlier. Payback really was a bitch. A damned one at that she thought as she remembered the state of her apartment. There was no way she would invite Alex Cabot up with the place looking like a tornado had been doing housekeeping.
Besides, did she really want Alex to break her heart inside her own apartment?
"Nobody out here but us," Olivia said shortly. As if Mother Nature was mocking her a stiff cold breeze suddenly picked up.
Alex conceded with a nod and drew a heavy breath before she spoke. "I want to apologize for Sunday. For how badly I handled things." Olivia's heart, already at the pit of her stomach, sank deeper at those words. "And for not telling you about Harvester taking over for me when I was away. The truth is I went away because I needed to work through the confusion I felt."
Olivia forced herself to remain stoic, at least on the outside. "Any revelations?"
Alex's eyes met Olivia's for the briefest of moments before she looked away again. "I found some clarity when I was in Connecticut. I realized that I want something I'm not sure I deserve. Especially not in light of what I've done," she said self-deprecatingly.
"I'm not sure I understand you," Olivia said honestly. This was not going the way she had anticipated. In fact, this was so far off any scenario that her mind could conjure that she wasn't sure she had an exit plan.
"When I took on this assignment I had grand ideas, I was going to be on the fast track to a political seat, I predicted the resistance, and I fully expected everyone at SVU to hate me."
Olivia started to protest. "We don't--"
"You did," Alex said firmly. "I anticipated many things when I started this job but I swear, Olivia, I never expected to feel this way." She enunciated the last few words and hoped that Olivia could grasp the magnitude of what she was saying. Olivia opened her mouth but Alex stopped her again. "Please. Please let me finish or I'll never be able to get it all out." She looked at Olivia pleadingly and Olivia nodded.
"You asked me to let you know, when I had it figured out..." There was a pause as Alex gathered whatever fortitude she had left. "I've neverbeen attracted to a woman before, never have considered it an option. But you intrigued me. And I had no earthly idea what that meant nor did I understand why. So imagine my surprise when I realized that... that I was attracted to you." Alex gauged the moment and decided to go for broke. "I like you, Olivia. And it's not just a physical thing."
"Alex, I... I mean, Laney and I just..." Olivia gibbered.
"I know. It is not my intention to get in the way of that," Alex said as though she was trying to convince herself instead of Olivia. "I wasn't prepared to deal with these unfamiliar feelings and I let that affect the way I acted towards you. I am sorry for that, and for almost ruining our friendship with my juvenile and petty ways. We can move on from this, be friends again if I--"
They would never find out what Alex was going to propose because Olivia stepped in and kissed her. Their lips grazed once, twice. The umbrella Alex held fell to the ground with dull thump but neither of them noticed as they moved closer into each other and completely gave in to the moment.
Alex opened her mouth and invited Olivia's tongue in. Her hands went to the short dark hair and caressed the damp locks. She could smell Olivia's soap and shampoo, and the light scents were intoxicating. She felt Olivia begin to pull back. Oh no, that wouldn’t do, Alex decided as the exquisite softness of the embrace began to consume her. She moved her hand to the back of Olivia's head and pressed her lips more determinedly against Olivia's.
Olivia ran her tongue around the back of Alex's front teeth. When Alex slipped her hand behind Olivia's head the detective began a slow playful joust with her tongue. Her left hand pressed into the small of Alex's back and held firm as she pressed her body against the blonde.
A crack of thunder brought them back to the present and they broke apart. Olivia kept her arms wrapped around Alex. She held on to the blonde, not willing to let go and giving in to her selfish desire to feel Alex pressed again her. Olivia watched the lawyer for a reaction and waited for Alex to respond to the pronouncement of her intentions through action rather than words.
Alex's eyes were bright and unblinking as she stared back. "I uh... is this how we move on?" Her voice came out in a hoarse whisper. Her hand was still in Olivia's hair and the gentle stroking was making Olivia crazy.
"This," she grasped Alex tighter, "is how we move on together," Olivia said just as quietly.
"Laney..."
Olivia shook her head. "Past tense."
"Oh." It was all that needed to be said about the subject.
Olivia inhaled deeply and tried to explain, "I was going to come see you tomorr--"
She was cut off when Alex leaned forward and captured the brunette's lips with her own. Alex didn’t give a shit about what Olivia was going to do tomorrow. Right now was the only thing on her mind and in her heart.
Olivia let herself feel more than just Alex's physical presence. It felt beyond fantastic to be pressed against Alex. She let all of her defenses drop and melted into the embrace.
Alex groaned lightly as she felt her body react with a whole new level of arousal to the woman she was kissing. Nothing in her life had prepared her for this moment.
They both pulled back simultaneously. When they managed to look at each other they started to giggle. Actually giggle. Their giddiness stemming from relief, and joy, and from the suddenness in the turn of events that neither one saw coming. For the first time they allowed themselves to look at each other without reserve.
They still had their arms around each other and together they swayed to a silent rhythm. The unconscious motion was buoyed by the knowledge that uncertainties and regrets no longer separated them. There would be time for second thoughts later.
Alex spoke up first, breaking the spell of contentment. "We really have to stop meeting like this." Olivia eyes widened in surprise and question. "In front of each other's apartments," Alex qualified.
"Yeah." Olivia smiled. Then a sobering thought hit her. "This--... it's going to be difficult."
Alex laughed softly and Olivia was surprised again although she didn't exactly mind the sound and the way Alex's face brightened when she laughed. It was a beautiful sight. Still, she waited for an explanation.
"Everything we have done, for us to get to this point, has been difficult," the lawyer pointed out. "How could you possibly expect anything that comes after to be any different?"
"You're right," Olivia agreed after a moments thought.
"We both know that just because we've acknowledged this it doesn't mean that everything else is going to fall into place."
"You're right. Again."
"I think I'm beginning to sense a pattern here," Alex teased. Her fingers moved from Olivia's hair and played with the string on her hoodie.
Drops of rain began to fall. The thunder and lightning opening act finally gave way to the storm that had threatened to come down the entire day.
"Come upstairs," Olivia said. Messiness be damned.
Alex sighed and leaned into the cop. "I better not," she spoke into Olivia's shoulder.
Her tone was regretful. It wasn't a rebuff of Olivia's invitation. Olivia smiled at the younger woman as she released Alex to pick up the dropped umbrella. She handed it back to its owner. "Gonna need this."
"I have to work tomorrow. Or else I would." It was payback for having Tuesday off and for spending a great deal of time thinking about what this moment would feel like. And the reality of Olivia Benson was so much better than the fantasy.
"I know," Olivia told her. She placed a kiss on the blonde's cheek.
"Good night," Alex said, almost shyly.
"Night."
As Olivia watched Alex walk away a thought suddenly came to mind. The lawyer was about fifteen feet away when Olivia called out, "Hey Alex…?"
Alex turned to look at Olivia. The detective was getting wet under the steady downpour but she had a goofy smile on her face. Seeing her like that was better than the vision of Olivia in that dress.
"How about dinner? Tomorrow?" Olivia asked, and Alex beamed at her.
"Love to."
"Great. I know this Italian place out in Brooklyn…"
Author's note from Hobbes73: Greetings gentle readers. We have come to the end of our journey. I hope everyone has enjoyed the roller coaster of emotions. I'm sure the payoff at the end is not what everyone wanted but this is where it ends. At the beginning of course. Thanks to all who have left feedback. Special thanks to bluebriefs for the arguing, growling, sniping and such but especially for those moments when it just wrote itself. I hope we can find the time to do it again. Cheers, Hobbes73
Author's note from bluebriefs: Thank you for making it all this way with us. This being only my second time writing fanfic I'm most grateful for Hobbes73's patience. More importantly, I appreciate all of your feedback - they kept me going at many points in the writing process instead of throwing in the towel. Please, please, please let us know if you enjoyed the story. ~bb
Title: Different
Author: bluebriefs and hobbes73
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Everything becomes different after an unexpected move by Alex.
A Different Beginning
Olivia scowled at her alarm clock and moved to snatch it off the nightstand. She had forgotten to turn it off the night before. The cord snapped from the outlet as the detective tossed it across the room. Her neighbor hit the wall a couple times in response and Olivia pulled her pillow over her head. Mr. Fix It, the wall pounder, had no right to object since his bed squeaked like a giant squeeze toy at all hours of the night and at least three times a week.
Olivia woke again two hours later and her mood did not improve. She got out of bed and promptly stubbed her toe on her nightstand. Swearing under her breath she lowered herself on the edge of the mattress to rub her foot but ended up sliding off and landing with a thump on the floor.
After a few seconds she slumped down on the floor and stared at the ceiling. Getting back into bed for the rest of the day didn’t sound half bad. Olivia stared at the dust bunnies huddled under her bed. She drew a blank trying to recall the last time she had vacuumed there.
She sat up with a groan. There were things to be done today. Working for five days and four nights had left her with no time for the little things. Little things that had to be taken care of before life got more complicated.
Complexities aside Olivia decided that her day had to have a better start than with a bruised toe and sore ass. After much searching she found a clean towel hiding in her closet. She picked out her favorite bubble bath, ran the water and soaked for an hour.
Afterwards, she came out and looked around her messy living space and decided to not ruin the ordered chaos. She was off for the next three days and there would be plenty of time to clean. There were more pressing matters at hand. Starting with the relentless voice mail notice on her cell phone.
You have five new messages. To list… BEEP.
"Olivia, it's Laney. I… I want to apologize for last night. It's been quite some time since I've consumed so much alcohol and I realize my behavior bordered on boorish. I've no afternoon classes today. Please call me back I'd like to have lunch so that I can make it up to you."
She erased the message thinking that Laney really missed the mark if she thought last night merely bordered on boorish.
"Hi Olivia. It's Laney again. How about lunch at Zocalo, my treat? Call me."
No, definitely not Zocalo. She hit erase again.
"Hey Olivia. This is Maureen Stabler. Mom and Dad's anniversary is coming up and we're gonna surprise them with an overnight at Niagara Falls. Is there any way you can help me make sure he can get the 18th through the 22nd off? I'd call Captain Cragen but I don't know him very well. Um, anyways call me back and let me know. Thanks."
Olivia smiled as she thought about her partner and his family. Elliot was an idiot sometimes. Lucky for him his kids took after Kathy.
"Hey. I know you're off today but if there's anyway you can e-mail me your original notes for the Closten case I would appreciate it. Thanks."
Olivia replayed the message twice so that she could hear the voice again. Then she sighed and declared herself pathetic.
"Olivia, it's Laney. Please call me."
After setting down her cell Olivia booted up her laptop. It was ancient and slow but replacing it was not in her budget. She kept a fairly current back up on an external drive so that when the processor finally went to the great computer heap in Hell she would have her data.
Olivia e-mailed Alex the notes and followed it up with a second e-mail with questions about three other cases. While she was online she sent Cragen a short message about Maureen's request. Before she finished typing the message to Cragen Alex had responded from her Blackberry.
Olivia smiled at the message. Alex wasn’t one for text speak and her e-mail was riddled with grammatical errors. Apparently she was in a huge hurry. Olivia replied and shut down her mail program before they could start an e-mail chain. Next, she started on the little things by paying several almost due bills online.
After leaving Maureen a voice mail Olivia procrastinated a while longer. Then with her thoughts in place she bit the bullet and called Laney. She turned down the invitation to Zocalo and suggested they meet at the Daily Grind. Laney's enthusiasm seemed tempered by Olivia's tone.
Olivia was ten minutes late and slid into a chair across from Laney without an excuse. She chewed on the inside of her cheek when she saw Laney's bloodshot eyes.
"Hi," Laney greeted her.
"Good morning," Olivia returned. Laney didn’t look convinced that it was. "How do you feel?" Olivia inquired.
"Like I drank too much and made a fool of myself," Laney went for the truth.
"It happens," Olivia answered. God knew that she had tied one on more than once. But it was one thing to get plastered at Alex's New Years party. It was an entirely different thing to enter a bar already drunk.
"I suppose but I'm not accustomed to acting like my more immature students. I apologize," Laney said but Olivia waved her off.
"Don't worry about it. It's not like you do it every night," Olivia told her. Laney looked extremely relieved. Then Olivia burst her bubble. "There is something else we need to talk about," she said.
"What's that?" Laney asked sipping her drink.
"I don’t think we should see each other anymore. I… I'm sorry, Laney."
"Is this because of the amount of wine I consumed last night?"
You have no idea, Olivia thought as she thought back to Laney's drunken ramblings of the other cops she had dated.
"No," Olivia lied without regret.
"Is there someone else?" Laney asked. Olivia hesitated as she attempted to find an appropriate response. She saw Laney's face fall in realization.
"Not like you mean. I mean she's an ex. Well, sort of an ex. Christ I can't even figure it out in my head let alone explain it to you," Olivia answered. She took a deep breath and looked Laney in the eye. "There is a woman I know that I have some unresolved feelings for."
"I see. Is she straight?" The older woman had gone from hurt to amused in seconds which irritated Olivia.
"Does it matter? She… I feel like I've been using you. It's not fair to either of us for me to pretend otherwise."
"I felt no pretension the other night," Laney told her and Olivia winced.
"I shouldn’t have allowed that to happen," Olivia said contritely.
"That dress you were wearing last night wasn’t exactly an 'I need to let you down gently' statement either," Laney said with accusation in her voice.
"I had planned on talking to you after I spoke to her. Then I realized how selfish that was this morning. I need to resolve my feelings for her before I can move on with someone else. It wouldn't be fair to ask you to wait, Laney," Olivia said.
"Shouldn’t I have some say in this decision? What if I think you're worth waiting for?"
"If you really knew me you wouldn’t think that. I've been killing myself to make up for all the times that my work has interrupted our time. I don’t usually do that. Could you really be happy being second place to my job? And not only my job but be happy knowing that I am hung up on someone else?" Olivia asked.
"I thought I had made that abundantly clear. Your work is important - I understand that. And I have no issue when your cell phone rings in the middle of our time together. But you're right that I can't play second fiddle to another woman. Have you been seeing her behind my back?" Laney asked as if she was looking for a reason to be angry.
"Not in the way you mean. We've worked several cases together and things are strictly professional," Olivia responded hoping to lead Laney into thinking it was another officer.
"I see. I suppose I should wish you well. I don’t know if I'm that big a person, Olivia."
"You don’t have to be. I should have been straight with you from the beginning. I am sorry, Laney," Olivia said honestly.
"So am I," Laney replied.
They sat in uncomfortable silence nursing their drinks. Olivia had ordered a bagel that remained untouched so she nibbled at it. After a long stretch of stillness Laney asked quietly, "Do you think we could be friends?"
Olivia didn’t know the answer to that question but she told her, "I'm sure we could try."
Laney seemed satisfied with that and the tension ebbed slightly. Olivia chewed slowly and then began to tell Laney about the kid who had hid under the stoop for hours. Laney, even in her hung over state, hung on to every word. Olivia almost felt bad about using her work as a distraction but went with it knowing it was exactly what Laney was wanting.
* * *
Olivia returned home to spend the rest of the day listless around her apartment. Stacks of mail on her end table, a pile of unfolded laundry taking squatter on the couch and the takeout boxes on the kitchen table were evidence of her aborted attempts to do something, anything.
Having decided that chores wasn't going to help either in keeping her mind off things or settling any of the restlessness she was feeling she went to the gym. When she got there she picked the treadmill farthest away from everyone else and ran.
She didn’t want to think about anything. Anyone. She kept the volume of her music up. Olivia focused on The Stones, The Chili Peppers, Motorhead and nothing else. Her attempt at blasting the thoughts and memories from her mind worked pretty well. Thoughts of all the signs she had missed about Laney, the searing memory of kissing Alex and the darker visions of work fled in the face of a 10k run.
She ran until there was fire in her lungs.
After wiping the treadmill down she retreated to an area where yoga and aerobics were taught. She collapsed onto the floor and lay there catching her breath. Her lungs, legs and back were all aching. Her ears were ringing from the music but the runners high she was experiencing kept her from caring. She almost missed the soft voice that greeted her.
"Hi."
Olivia opened her eyes, cursing herself for being careless. She stared up at the source of the voice. He looked harmless enough. Five seven, blond and his thin frame pegged him as a runner. Olivia sat up quickly moving to defend if needed. Why she was reacting to him this guardedly she couldn’t really say, she just knew that he made her uncomfortable.
"Hey," she replied carefully.
"I was watching you on the treadmill. How far did you run?"
Apparently not far enough. "I don’t know."
"You don’t… You didn’t check?" He asked in astonishment. Olivia doubted his bewilderment just as she did his curiosity.
"I knew when I was done," Olivia said with a shrug. She stretched her aching left leg never taking her eyes off the man.
He held himself in a manner that she was way too familiar with. The long sleeves and weight lifting gloves would cover any tattoos but nothing would ever put emotions in those eyes. For an ex-con it was taking him a long time to make her as a cop.
She gulped a drink from her water bottle and he looked horrified. She listened to him ramble about water not being sufficient and that she should really join him for a wheat germ soy something, something, something. She didn’t really hear his line about the health benefits because she was too busy memorizing his face.
In the end she turned him down but got his name and planned to run it at her first chance. If it came up as his real name she would eat her water bottle.
It was a quarter past eleven when she left the gym. Her hair was still damp from the halfhearted effort at drying it. The hot shower felt good though. On the journey home she kept an eye out for the ex-con. She wondered if Cragen would find out if she logged on from home to run him.
As Olivia crossed the street to enter her apartment building a flash of lightning overhead lit up the sky. The clouds, so dark and heavy they were visible in the night sky were about to let loose.
"Olivia!" A voice called out from behind, from a distance.
She turned around and saw a tall, slim figure walking towards her. Alex's posture was ramrod straight and resolute. Olivia took Alex in as she approached. Her trench coat was unbelted and it flapped in the mild breeze so it looked like she was strutting down a runway. In her right hand Alex held an umbrella.
"You're a long way from home," Olivia said when Alex drew close enough. She eyed the blonde's footwear. "Tell me you didn't walk the whole way."
"I'm parked down there."
She had driven down armed with only with a piece of paper that had the detective's address and the umbrella that she had picked up out of habit. Alex had circled the block at least three times looking for a parking spot near Olivia's building and almost dented a dilapidated Jeep when she tried to squeeze her sporty Lexus in between it and an SUV.
Olivia nodded, regarding Alex silently when a thought suddenly occurred to her. "How do you know where I live?"
Alex's mouth quirked. "Do you really want to know?"
Maybe it was from the severe lack of sleep. Maybe it was the fallout from the upheaval of emotions that had been adding up since they were alone together the last time. Whatever it was, Alex being coy right now was about to become the straw that broke the proverbial back.
"What are you doing here?" Olivia asked curtly.
"I wanted to see you."
Olivia forced herself to not respond other than nodding. The emotional wall she was attempting to erect was crumbling fast. Shit. She shifted in place and waited on Alex to elaborate.
Alex, having said the first thing that came to mind, now found her carefully rehearsed words lodged in the back of her throat. Why was it that speaking became immeasurably difficult in the presence of the woman in front of her?
Olivia was standing with her arms crossed, and her eyes were narrowed in expectancy. She projected no authority with the pose, only a vulnerability that surprised Alex when she recognized it as such. Alex had never seen Olivia afraid... if that was the word for it. She didn't think her friend, who could rage with the best of them and who possessed infinite compassion and kindness for the victims she encountered, even knew the word fear.
"I...," Alex started to say and shook her head. "I've been doing a lot of thinking and I think you deserve to know the truth."
Inside, Olivia was scared to death of the truth. She wanted to tell Alex that if the truth was "it was all a mistake", she'd rather not know. Don't bother RSVPing your regrets. She would prefer ignorance to having the connection when they kissed, a link that stirred her to the core, be considered a mistake or worse. The tightness in her chest told her there was no weapon in her emotional arsenal capable of blocking a blow of rejection from Alex.
Olivia's outward reticence forced Alex to speak again. "I'd like to explain myself but do you think we can do this somewhere less public?"
Olivia felt like she was preparing herself to be dumped even though it was she who did the dumping earlier. Payback really was a bitch. A damned one at that she thought as she remembered the state of her apartment. There was no way she would invite Alex Cabot up with the place looking like a tornado had been doing housekeeping.
Besides, did she really want Alex to break her heart inside her own apartment?
"Nobody out here but us," Olivia said shortly. As if Mother Nature was mocking her a stiff cold breeze suddenly picked up.
Alex conceded with a nod and drew a heavy breath before she spoke. "I want to apologize for Sunday. For how badly I handled things." Olivia's heart, already at the pit of her stomach, sank deeper at those words. "And for not telling you about Harvester taking over for me when I was away. The truth is I went away because I needed to work through the confusion I felt."
Olivia forced herself to remain stoic, at least on the outside. "Any revelations?"
Alex's eyes met Olivia's for the briefest of moments before she looked away again. "I found some clarity when I was in Connecticut. I realized that I want something I'm not sure I deserve. Especially not in light of what I've done," she said self-deprecatingly.
"I'm not sure I understand you," Olivia said honestly. This was not going the way she had anticipated. In fact, this was so far off any scenario that her mind could conjure that she wasn't sure she had an exit plan.
"When I took on this assignment I had grand ideas, I was going to be on the fast track to a political seat, I predicted the resistance, and I fully expected everyone at SVU to hate me."
Olivia started to protest. "We don't--"
"You did," Alex said firmly. "I anticipated many things when I started this job but I swear, Olivia, I never expected to feel this way." She enunciated the last few words and hoped that Olivia could grasp the magnitude of what she was saying. Olivia opened her mouth but Alex stopped her again. "Please. Please let me finish or I'll never be able to get it all out." She looked at Olivia pleadingly and Olivia nodded.
"You asked me to let you know, when I had it figured out..." There was a pause as Alex gathered whatever fortitude she had left. "I've neverbeen attracted to a woman before, never have considered it an option. But you intrigued me. And I had no earthly idea what that meant nor did I understand why. So imagine my surprise when I realized that... that I was attracted to you." Alex gauged the moment and decided to go for broke. "I like you, Olivia. And it's not just a physical thing."
"Alex, I... I mean, Laney and I just..." Olivia gibbered.
"I know. It is not my intention to get in the way of that," Alex said as though she was trying to convince herself instead of Olivia. "I wasn't prepared to deal with these unfamiliar feelings and I let that affect the way I acted towards you. I am sorry for that, and for almost ruining our friendship with my juvenile and petty ways. We can move on from this, be friends again if I--"
They would never find out what Alex was going to propose because Olivia stepped in and kissed her. Their lips grazed once, twice. The umbrella Alex held fell to the ground with dull thump but neither of them noticed as they moved closer into each other and completely gave in to the moment.
Alex opened her mouth and invited Olivia's tongue in. Her hands went to the short dark hair and caressed the damp locks. She could smell Olivia's soap and shampoo, and the light scents were intoxicating. She felt Olivia begin to pull back. Oh no, that wouldn’t do, Alex decided as the exquisite softness of the embrace began to consume her. She moved her hand to the back of Olivia's head and pressed her lips more determinedly against Olivia's.
Olivia ran her tongue around the back of Alex's front teeth. When Alex slipped her hand behind Olivia's head the detective began a slow playful joust with her tongue. Her left hand pressed into the small of Alex's back and held firm as she pressed her body against the blonde.
A crack of thunder brought them back to the present and they broke apart. Olivia kept her arms wrapped around Alex. She held on to the blonde, not willing to let go and giving in to her selfish desire to feel Alex pressed again her. Olivia watched the lawyer for a reaction and waited for Alex to respond to the pronouncement of her intentions through action rather than words.
Alex's eyes were bright and unblinking as she stared back. "I uh... is this how we move on?" Her voice came out in a hoarse whisper. Her hand was still in Olivia's hair and the gentle stroking was making Olivia crazy.
"This," she grasped Alex tighter, "is how we move on together," Olivia said just as quietly.
"Laney..."
Olivia shook her head. "Past tense."
"Oh." It was all that needed to be said about the subject.
Olivia inhaled deeply and tried to explain, "I was going to come see you tomorr--"
She was cut off when Alex leaned forward and captured the brunette's lips with her own. Alex didn’t give a shit about what Olivia was going to do tomorrow. Right now was the only thing on her mind and in her heart.
Olivia let herself feel more than just Alex's physical presence. It felt beyond fantastic to be pressed against Alex. She let all of her defenses drop and melted into the embrace.
Alex groaned lightly as she felt her body react with a whole new level of arousal to the woman she was kissing. Nothing in her life had prepared her for this moment.
They both pulled back simultaneously. When they managed to look at each other they started to giggle. Actually giggle. Their giddiness stemming from relief, and joy, and from the suddenness in the turn of events that neither one saw coming. For the first time they allowed themselves to look at each other without reserve.
They still had their arms around each other and together they swayed to a silent rhythm. The unconscious motion was buoyed by the knowledge that uncertainties and regrets no longer separated them. There would be time for second thoughts later.
Alex spoke up first, breaking the spell of contentment. "We really have to stop meeting like this." Olivia eyes widened in surprise and question. "In front of each other's apartments," Alex qualified.
"Yeah." Olivia smiled. Then a sobering thought hit her. "This--... it's going to be difficult."
Alex laughed softly and Olivia was surprised again although she didn't exactly mind the sound and the way Alex's face brightened when she laughed. It was a beautiful sight. Still, she waited for an explanation.
"Everything we have done, for us to get to this point, has been difficult," the lawyer pointed out. "How could you possibly expect anything that comes after to be any different?"
"You're right," Olivia agreed after a moments thought.
"We both know that just because we've acknowledged this it doesn't mean that everything else is going to fall into place."
"You're right. Again."
"I think I'm beginning to sense a pattern here," Alex teased. Her fingers moved from Olivia's hair and played with the string on her hoodie.
Drops of rain began to fall. The thunder and lightning opening act finally gave way to the storm that had threatened to come down the entire day.
"Come upstairs," Olivia said. Messiness be damned.
Alex sighed and leaned into the cop. "I better not," she spoke into Olivia's shoulder.
Her tone was regretful. It wasn't a rebuff of Olivia's invitation. Olivia smiled at the younger woman as she released Alex to pick up the dropped umbrella. She handed it back to its owner. "Gonna need this."
"I have to work tomorrow. Or else I would." It was payback for having Tuesday off and for spending a great deal of time thinking about what this moment would feel like. And the reality of Olivia Benson was so much better than the fantasy.
"I know," Olivia told her. She placed a kiss on the blonde's cheek.
"Good night," Alex said, almost shyly.
"Night."
As Olivia watched Alex walk away a thought suddenly came to mind. The lawyer was about fifteen feet away when Olivia called out, "Hey Alex…?"
Alex turned to look at Olivia. The detective was getting wet under the steady downpour but she had a goofy smile on her face. Seeing her like that was better than the vision of Olivia in that dress.
"How about dinner? Tomorrow?" Olivia asked, and Alex beamed at her.
"Love to."
"Great. I know this Italian place out in Brooklyn…"
Author's note from Hobbes73: Greetings gentle readers. We have come to the end of our journey. I hope everyone has enjoyed the roller coaster of emotions. I'm sure the payoff at the end is not what everyone wanted but this is where it ends. At the beginning of course. Thanks to all who have left feedback. Special thanks to bluebriefs for the arguing, growling, sniping and such but especially for those moments when it just wrote itself. I hope we can find the time to do it again. Cheers, Hobbes73
Author's note from bluebriefs: Thank you for making it all this way with us. This being only my second time writing fanfic I'm most grateful for Hobbes73's patience. More importantly, I appreciate all of your feedback - they kept me going at many points in the writing process instead of throwing in the towel. Please, please, please let us know if you enjoyed the story. ~bb