...so why this awful feeling?
I'd say something like i'm speeding toward an uncertain future of which I'd like to be more certain, but....that oversimplifies the situation.
I think it's beyond uncertainty. At the current rate of acceleration and trajectory, I will find myself falling flat before i can ever be certain where to go. It might be just a fleeting fear, but for some rotten reason, I can't help but think that the automatic pilot i've set myself on for "success" has lead me towards a bleak...possibly non-existent future outside of a classroom.
First, I think i set myself back this summer. I coulda stayed in Ypsi or somewhere close to Ypsi and worked at the library all summer while taking class. In terms of spending money on gas (and, hell, making money, which i've done zero of this summer), this would have saved me a lot of money (considering there would probably be a trip a week back home for the d0rks). Plus, I actually would have made money - gas wouldn't have been killing me (as much...think of it as getting beaten with a wooden pole instead of a steel one). I thought I had a plan for the summer, but that fell through. I didn't get hired at Perani's or any where else that I ended up applying to, so, the whole job thing fell through. I realize now there were two options that were going to work for me coming home - working for the DPS again, or nothing. Seems i chose nothing.
The benefit to being home ha been proximity to my normal hangout options of chris, charlie, and sometimes jeremy. Otherwise, There wasn't much going on for me here. I really, really don't know how much longer i can stand living under this roof. or in RO anymore. I don't think there is anything particularly wrong with RO; I can see why people think it's a nice place to live or love it here. I just don't anymore. I've gotta move on and move out soon. Soon. (All this shit is easier said than done) In the words of Eddie Vedder:
"No more upset mornings
no more trying evenings
this American Dream
I am disbelieving
For the lights of this city
only look good when I'm speeding
Gonna leave them all behind me
Cause this time
I'm gone"
Whatever's in store for me, I don't believe I can find here. Not anymore. Hell, I wish i knew what i wanted to do or what was in store for me, so it sounded like a good reason, but I don't. I just know there's nothing left here for me but a handful of people. People whom I hope would understand my reasons for wanting to leave. But who knows. I don't express this anxiety often enough to figure things out myself. Or...whatever.
but like i just said, I don't even know what i really want to do. So i'll graduate in May. Then what? Work? Take a year off then work? Go right into Grad School? Take a year off, then go to grad school? Hell. I don't know. In all honesty, and this is why i haven't made a choice, really, is because not a single option sounds good. Really. At the same time, I really wish/want one of them to be desirable, but not a single one is (except they all, hopefully, get me the hell out of RO).
At times, I also don't feel I'm as smart as anyone has ever believed me to be. Educated? Sure. I'll buy that. I'm good at school, in a classroom setting, when grades are involved. Can I learn anything? I guess. I'd like to. But sometimes I'd like to just think I'm as smart as everyone believes I am. Seriously, outside of a classroom (except, maybe, with friends - i've had some real dumbfounded moments) I wouldn't consider myself such. I don't really think I ever have been; I don't know why i kid myself into thinking it could be true.
No, I know why - I want to believe it. I'd like to believe i'm as smart and maybe as good as anyone would like to think I am, but I know I'm not. I play along anyways. Smoke and mirrors - it's all I got. I don't know why i'm being this vulnerable on the fucking internet, but whatever. I have no problems being vulnerable - I am. So there you have it. I play along. I'm probably not as good or as smart as anyone thinks I am. Oh well. Mainly, I think it's only because i'm not good or smart enough for myself. So i'm not going pretend anymore. (This is probably just a result of some bitterness over the initial subject, but whatever)
Maybe this is a good thing.
Scared alive, ya know?
We'll see.