The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

[panic_bad]

ETA: The Guide recognizes that, as some of you may be aware, the Guide was at some point materially involved with an incident involving the destruction of the planet known as "Earth" in all then-accessible timelines. While we are quite pleased to see that this destruction was incomplete, we would like to take this opportunity to note that the

Comments

[chipsandwich]

"Did some space hipster come here on holiday and leave you behind?" Clyde was fairly sure that there were space hipsters. It would explain the Doctor's taste in hairstyles.

[panic_bad]

The state in which a hipster or hoopy or other enthusiast is most likely to misplace a copy of the Guide has been variously translated as "on holiday" or "in a drunken stupor" or "stopping by a methane lake on a snowy evening". The third translator has since been disposed of.

[chipsandwich]

"Are you taking the piss?" One thing Clyde had noticed was that magic was the dominant flavor around here; conversations about aliens had become vanishingly rare.

[panic_bad]

The editors of the Guide have, on occasion, suspected that one or more reporters-at-large may have at times submitted articles which were less than entirely accurate (cf. employee files for Ix, a.k.a. Ford Prefect, a.k.a. the Legendary Destroyer of Expense Accounts), due to employees either "taking the piss" or "being pissed". These suspicions led to the initial overlooking of reports of the previously-undetected use of Sufficiently Advanced Technology among a group of ape-like creatures on a planet described in the Guide as "mostly harmless". That oversight is now being corrected and purged from the records, and an investigation is underway.

[panic_bad]

The editors of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy cannot help but wonder whether they may have approached this situation in a less than ideal manner. Clearly, the ape-like creatures inhabiting this planet have not responded to the Guide's attempts at manufacturing appropriate responses to the apes' initial social cues. Perhaps the Guide has had the misfortune of arriving during a hibernation phase?

[pufnstuf]

Ever in search of students to gift with detention, Puf moonwalked into the Sorting Room and stopped dead, staring at the Guide with quizzical intensity, which in this case meant the blankest of bovine stares (although his independently mobile pupils made his slack jaw marginally more expressive. Wait, no they didn't).

"Hi!" The greeting was unsettlingly bright, punctuating the inanimate expression on Puf's enormous felted dial. "Where's my Rescue Racer?"

[panic_bad]

There is no entry for "Rescue Racer". Are you looking for information on the "Raunchy Racers" solar-flare-surfing syndicate from the Betelgeuse system? (Our recommendation: avoid lending gas, keys, or hands, and be aware that all RR members and their guests have been pre-emptively and retroactively banned from the Daedalus Club. Also known towel thieves.) Or would you like to know about Rescue Robots brand severe-situation personnel extraction androids? (Our recommendation: avoid the Genuine People Personalities-equipped models, which have known tendencies towards depression and/or bad puns, due perhaps to excessive installed processor power and energy supply

[pufnstuf]

Puf puzzled that through, his right pupil whizzing clockwise at great speed while his left just sort of sat there. He opened his enormous maw for a moment as though to speak, hesitated, attempted to rub his nose, failed because his tiny arms were way too short, and then pointed importantly at the blue ribbon bisecting his middle. "I'm th' Mayor of Livin' Island!" he hollered, and if the pitch of his voice seemed to waver between a statement and a question, it would be kinder not to mention it

[aestheticweaver]

. . . GREETINGS TO FELLOW OF THE APPLICATION YOU ARE VERY SMALL BOXY ONE I AM GREAT SPIDERY WEAVER ONE KNOW YOU OF ME OR SHALL I TELL . . .

[panic_bad]

It seems that the Guide's internal translation matrix is malfunctioning. Attempting to compensate.

"THE FELLOW OF THE APPLICATION GREETS THE GREAT SPIDERY WEAVER BUT MUST ADMIT TO A LEGALLY-DEFENSIBLE DEGREE OF IGNORANCE. SMALL BOXINESS IS...FEATURE INTENDED...TELL YOU SHALL I SASS BEDSOCKS KNACKWURST TINKERBELL"

The compensation algorithm seems to be malfunctioning. We hope.

[aestheticweaver]

. . . ATTEMPT AT WEAVERSPEAK APPRECIATED UNNEEDED SILLY SMALL BOX KNOWS WHAT OF WEAVERS SHE ASKS IT . . .

[panic_bad]

In that case:

There are two entries for "Weavers" in the Guide referring to species with eight legs (give or take three). The Weavers of the Pleiades cluster are best known for producing extensive and detailed works of decorative macramé. They also brew a delightful local spirit, though they deny any connection between the two activities involving the consumption of alcohol being necessary for either the creation or enjoyment of the Weavers' preferred form of art. The Weavers of the Crab Nebula are a folk band.

Neither set of "Weavers" are known to use speech patterns resembling yours, so we are left to suspect that a new entry may be required at some point.

[i_am_harkonnen]

The Baron Vladimir Harkonnen had been quite occupied of late with various diversions, but even he could not avoid the occasional journey through the frequently-shifting halls of Hogwarts, halls which invariably seemed to lead to the Sorting Room (especially on occasions when it held a new arrival). This was another of those occasions, it appeared, and on passing the familiar doors the Baron paused a moment, glancing inside, noting nothing but a seemingly misplaced book with the words 'Don't Panic' written on the cover in a font unquestionably designed to be reassuring. Although not given to cleaning items up- this was a job for house-elves- the Baron drifted in to take a closer look, his immense bulk floating a couple inches above the floor by means of a suspensor harness hidden beneath his opulent red robes. Was this some piece of strange Wizarding or Muggle propaganda, perhaps? The cover certainly appeared designed with a purpose in mind, which was somewhat interesting. It was a very reassuring font

[panic_bad]

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is the most popular repository of general information in the galaxy, in any of several occasionally overlapping parallel universes. As the Guide's editors come into contact with more parallel realities, we dispatch teams of our most experienced reporters to establish a presence and compile an initial list of cheap transportation options, opportunities for avoiding work, and a range of nightclubs, bars, dives, and watering holes to suit a variety of tastes. The Guide is particularly popular among hitchhikers, but has also been endorsed by tourists, hippie adventurers (including the later former President of the Galaxy), and the occasional aspiring galactic overlord.

Unfortunately, the simulated editorial board is currently simulating a suspicion that the present reality may be outside our retail coverage area, though this cannot be confirmed until we find a convenient hyperspace transport route or the like.

[i_am_harkonnen]

Well now, this was interesting! The Baron was naturally drawn towards the taboo, and there was nothing quite like hailing from a world without AI and computational machines to prompt intrigue regarding one. Vladimir could not fail to crack a brief little smile of satisfaction. Whatever this 'Guide' was, it seemed worth spending a bit of time attempting to figure it out- besides, others of his ilk had apparently found this Guide useful, although he did suspect that said aspiring overlords were from an entirely different galaxy than himself or Hogwarts. At least the Guide appeared aware of it already, and seemed far less likely to be thrown into emotional turmoil on confirmation of the fact than many flesh-and-blood students. That was always somewhat irritating

[panic_bad]

The recipe for the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster is the second-most-popular entry in the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, falling behind only "Towel, Suggested Usage of". The preferred (i.e. Guide-endorsed) recipe is as follows