(no subject)
It truly is amazing what a year can do to someone. Not only good. But the bad as well. As it has been said before, "to everything there is a reason". I never believed that before but now looking on the year that is about the come to a close, I can pick apart different situations and find the real reason for them happening. And I can be grateful for those reasons as well. I don't believe certain reasons are evitable from the get-go and take time and thought to process and fully understand. Honestly, a year ago, I never would have envisioned myself making this post. But here I am at 5:30 in the morning, letting loose and letting everything go. Granted it has taken me months to muster up the energy to do so but with a new chapter in my life about to begin, it's time to say a final goodbye to past.
I am a different person than I was when the year began. Not only physically but emotionally and mentally as well. That is due in part to me being quite the chaotic person before. I knew something was wrong but felt I could deal with it on my own and that it would somehow miraculously disappear. Unfortunately, I was wrong. And I hurt many people along that wretched path. In the end and as much as I relented, I got the help I so desperately needed. I finally got a correct diagnosis and was able to accept the treatment that lay before me. Now, almost a year later, I am still continuing treatment and have come along way. The chaos that used to surround so much of me is slowly fading into nothing but memories and mistakes that I can learn from. I am a stronger person now that can walk down the crowded streets with her head held high and able to look towards the future. I'm still an emotional person but that is just apart of who I am and is not necessarily a bad thing. Of course, I wouldn't have come this far this year without the help of some very special friends. And to those people, I owe my life and my gratitude. Without them, I doubt I would be writing this.
People come and people go. I may have lost people in my life this year regardless of the reason but I have gained so many more. I have become very close to a few people this year. I may have even found what seems like my long lost twin sister. "To Kijara, my sister- You truly are an amazing person. I can't even begin to describe how grateful I am to have you in my life and now my family. You have been there for me when the world seems to be crumbling down. As well as all of the happy moments that I couldn't wait to share with you. I am truly blessed in many ways to have gotten to be this close with you. I could never ask for a better sister. There is definitely a special bond between us. Sometimes no words even need to be spoken. I love you sis!"..."To Daniel - I am so incredibly glad that we met. I'm not even sure how we began talking but a beautiful friendship has grown between us. From drunken calls to in-depths converations about life. It has all been amazing. You are an amazing person inside and out. The things you say just have a way about them that really touch me. I know you have been through some rough patches this year but I wish you nothing but the happiness that you so rightfully deserve. We don't need to talk everyday but we always know that the other is there anytime and for any reason. I love you."...And those are just to name a few as there are many others. Of course on the flip side there are people who I am saying a final goodbye to. Jenn, Krista, and all of the others who have made my life a living hell at times. To those, I wish the best of luck in their lives and dreams. To those that I have hurt, I apologize.
I don't mean to come across all high and mighty because I'm not. I'm me. And there are only a handful or so of people who truly know the "real" me inside. I've kept it hidden and under guard for so long but now I am ready to break free. Free from the binds that have been held in place for so long and by so many things. I no longer have my blinders on. I see what is before me and I embrace it. A new chapter in my life. I'm saying goodbye to the things that have haunted me for years and to the state of New York. I am leaving in January and moving to California. I have been accepted to an arts school there and am ready for a change. I recently had the opportunity to travel there and see a friend. The trip was an eye-opener of sorts. There are places where one just feels at home and completely comfortable. California is it for me. All of the things I enjoy are right there (not to mention no snow lol). And a very special person to me is there as well. He is not something that I am going to broadcast but something that I am going to keep private for the time being until I feel necessary or the need to say something. For the first time in a long time, I can sit here and say that I happy. I'm happy with the person I have become and the person that I am growing to be. I may come across as snotty or what not from this post but think what you may. I still have my dorky moments and am definitely still a smart ass. My perspective has just changed. Those who haven't seen or spoken with me in months would honestly not recognize me. I'm glad I have changed and have grown. I wouldn't be starting the next chapter in my life if I hadn't. It's an absolutely amazing world out there with so much beauty that sometimes you just need to stop and think. Smell the roses. Take a walk in the park at dusk. Capture the beauty and let it make it's mark on you.
For now, I am embarking on a new journey. Where it may take me, who knows. But I do know that I am still going to continue to grown and learn. I will most likely be making one last post before the New Year and then I will no longer be using Hohoemuko on LJ as this name is apart of the past and a chapter that I want to close. I want to thank zehaeva for helping with the name as it will always be a staple of me. For everyone who reads this, I wish you the best of luck on all of your endevours and don't stop dreaming.
Peace & Love,
Beth
xox